Browsing Tag

Soul mates

KimKay-That’s How It Always Was

Posted on June 23, 2019

~~~~~~In the beginning, there was you.

You loving me. You interwoven inside my being like my own blood pumping thru my body

You never judging my bad judgment. You hurrying to my house on 65st and Cody when I lost my job, my uterus, my mind. You sending flowers for weird occasions like when I got my wisdom teeth out!

Always, “YOU.”

KimKay. That’s how it was. Remember?

Nobody ever appreciated me like you, believed in me like you.

Loved me like you.

I haven’t seen your face for 3297 days, Kay.

Losing you has been the blackest, darkest, ugliest, saddest time of my life.

But it’s also been a time of reflection & vibrant light; a time of purpose and meaning; a time of knowing the presence of God.

OH, and I REALLY miss telling you my secrets. Who can I spill my guts to now? Who can I be honest with? Who will still accept me?

For example, I went quite insane after your execution. I tried to become an alcoholic, but I hated not remembering. I tried to become suicidal, but the love on life was more powerful than the love of death.

I tried reading your journals, but every page, every sentence burned into my skin like acid.

I wrote words to fill the void. I wrote syllables to ease the sting.

I kept writing and writing until even my organs emptied out…

My liver falling to the yellowed tiled floor.

There will never be enough words to make me whole again.

IloveyouImissyouIloveyou.

Sometimes when I’m lying in bed, my heart thrusts so damn loudly that it startles me.

I know it’s a reminder, just in case I’ve forgotten, that I’m Alive.

And here’s another secret you may not know, Kay– I’m living without you, but you’re still here, your soft pink cheek pressed against my cheek; your voice whispering inside my ears.

You see, that’s the thing about death; you’re never really gone. The love remains inside, outside, and in-between the betweenness.

I find that astonishingly, amazingly beautiful. Don’t you?

~~~~Are you being abused verbally, physically, sexually, emotionally?

Help is available.

You. Are. Loved.