Attraversiamo, v. cross over, go across, go through}
~Ninety three days ago, I was just your average ordinary gal living an average extraordinary life. I was happy. My family was healthy. I’d awaken with the sun splashing against my face like golden waves, honeyed kisses, gentle prayers.
I smile thinking of that life, that pleasure, those abundant moments, the sun wrapping her arms around my body.
But nothing stays the same.
Ahhh, that’s the rub…
Those joyful moments have departed now. That balmy sun has vanished now.
I detest the NOWS in my world.
Three months ago today, my sister, Kay, was murdered, and the sun I once recognized– darkened, dimmed, and dissolved like a snuffed out candle.
O’’, the days are oh-so-sad when one awakens to a dead sun.
Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I find myself laughing during a conversation, or feel a bit of pleasure ooze inside when I read a particular verse from Neruda. Sometimes I presume I am who I once was.
I am not. I am not.
Yesterday we celebrated our first birthday without Kay.
We went to see: “Eat, Pray, Love”, which she would’ve appreciated fully and fabulously.
This was a Kim-Kay film. This was a red wine film. This was a guacamole and chips film.
This was a film we would have devoured completely, analyzed every layer, and talked endlessly about on our walks. Yeah, and we would have slobbered shamefully and sinfully over Javier Bardem.
“I muuuuuust go to Italy,” Kay used to utter on more than one occasion. “I must; I must see Rome!”
But she was actually saying: “I must leave my husband. I despise my life. I must see another home.
She accomplished neither. My soul weeps for what is lost.
“Eat, Pray, Love” was the right film at the right time.
It was filled with so much more than Elizabeth Gilbert (Julia Roberts) eating pizza, meditating, and loving again. It was so much more than a woman escaping to Italy, India, and Bali.
It was about crossing over, going though, opening up a new chapter……
Right where you are.
The word rolls off the tongue like sugar evaporating, like syllables sliding, like a rose unfolding inside one’s mouth.
A t t r a v e r s i a m o.
After the film, we drove to Kay’s grave site. We laid on the green grass in silence. From a distance we heard chimes singing through the gentle breeze; we heard bells ringing from Saint Michaels.
I thought about crossing over. I thought about Kay already being on the other side waiting for me. I thought about beginning a new stage in my life.
I grasped my girlfriend, Tia’s, hand.
“Attraversiamo,” I whispered.
She squeezed my hand a little harder.
We laid above Kay for a long time allowing the sun to press against our skin.
…Because every once in a while she arrives unexpectedly though the darkness.