In Memory of Kay

KimKay-That’s How It Always Was


 

~~~~~~In the beginning, there was you.

You loving me. You interwoven inside my being like my own blood pumping thru my body

You never judging my bad judgment. You hurrying to my house on 65st and Cody when I lost my job, my uterus, my mind. You sending flowers for weird occasions like when I got my wisdom teeth out!

Always, “YOU.”

KimKay. That’s how it was. Remember?

Nobody ever appreciated me like you, believed in me like you.

Loved me like you.

I haven’t seen your face for 3297 days, Kay.

Losing you has been the blackest, darkest, ugliest, saddest time of my life.

But it’s also been a time of reflection & vibrant light; a time of purpose and meaning; a time of knowing the presence of God.

OH, and I REALLY miss telling you my secrets. Who can I spill my guts to now? Who can I be honest with? Who will still accept me?

For example, I went quite insane after your execution. I tried to become an alcoholic, but I hated not remembering. I tried to become suicidal, but the love on life was more powerful than the love of death.

I tried reading your journals, but every page, every sentence burned into my skin like acid.

I wrote words to fill the void. I wrote syllables to ease the sting.

I kept writing and writing until even my organs emptied out…

My liver falling to the yellowed tiled floor.

There will never be enough words to make me whole again.

IloveyouImissyouIloveyou.

Sometimes when I’m lying in bed, my heart thrusts so damn loudly that it startles me.

I know it’s a reminder, just in case I’ve forgotten, that I’m Alive.

And here’s another secret you may not know, Kay– I’m living without you, but you’re still here, your soft pink cheek pressed against my cheek; your voice whispering inside my ears.

You see, that’s the thing about death; you’re never really gone. The love remains inside, outside, and in-between the betweenness.

I find that astonishingly, amazingly beautiful. Don’t you?

~~~~Are you being abused verbally, physically, sexually, emotionally?

Help is available.

You. Are. Loved.

KIMKayForever

National Hotline: 1 800 799 7233
Safe Haven in Duluth: 1 218 623 1000
CASDA in Wisconsin: 1 800 649  2921


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11 Comments

  • Reply
    Elephants Child
    June 23, 2019 at 11:51 am

    Of course she is still with you.
    And applauding and supporting your efforts to ensure that others don’t die the death she did.
    Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring are flowing your way from me too.

  • Reply
    Nan Loyd
    June 23, 2019 at 7:21 pm

    Again, poignant and so so beautifully written! It always pulls me into your world with Kay and I am honored to have gotten to know her through you. You are such an anointed woman of words.
    Nan Loyd recently posted..When Did You Last Seduce Your Man?My Profile

  • Reply
    angiesrecipes
    June 24, 2019 at 1:56 am

    You express LOVE so beautifully and deeply…very inspiring!
    angiesrecipes recently posted..Crisp Pork BellyMy Profile

  • Reply
    lisa thomson
    June 24, 2019 at 9:23 am

    This is an amazing testament to survival, Kim. Kimkay. I like that and it sounds perfect. She is part of you, always.
    lisa thomson recently posted..Best Divorce T.V. Shows Part IIMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie
    June 24, 2019 at 11:12 am

    Aw, this is just so sweet. And, now that my sis and I have mended our relationship, it just means so much more, too. Kim, keep telling the world there’s help available for those who are suffering abuse. That sister bond is too precious to waste time arguing, and none of us knows how long we’re here. Hugs to you, my friend. Isn’t it wonderful how you still feel Kay close by??

  • Reply
    Greenglobaltrek
    June 25, 2019 at 5:02 am

    Such true love is a beautiful thing. So poignant and heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. I just found out that when a person’s physical body dies it actually becomes lighter in weight when the soul lifts up and out. Her spirit and soul is with you always. All we have is love and it’s all we really need!

    Sending u huge hugs from Vietnam xoxo
    Peta

  • Reply
    Mandy Frielinghaus
    June 25, 2019 at 6:30 am

    My dearest Kim, your words always find their way to my heart and deep into my soul! You are amazing!
    Love and hugs to you from Cape Town! Pete and I are here on and off until the end of the year.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo

  • Reply
    forgottenmeadows
    June 25, 2019 at 7:12 am

    Hello and Congratulations, in case you missed it, You were selected to be part of the Best Blog 2019 edition. Your work is beautiful, you can check out the post here: https://forgottenmeadows.wordpress.com/2019/06/13/best-blogs-spring-2019-edition/

  • Reply
    Christine Carter
    June 27, 2019 at 2:00 pm

    This is so beautiful, so heartbreaking, so hopeful too. Your words always cut my heart right open and all kinds of emotion spills out. I know Kay is reading every single one of them and crying, singing, smiling, laughing, loving you and shining her light even brighter in Heaven.

  • Reply
    Marie Kléber
    June 28, 2019 at 6:24 am

    Every time I am in awe with your words Kim. So much love in here. So much love despite so much pain. You are like the Phoenix. I love when you talk about Kay. I am sure Kay is loving every one of your words, like we do.
    Sending you peace and sunshine from Paris. xoxo

  • Reply
    The Kitchen Lioness
    July 8, 2019 at 12:17 pm

    Dear Kim, what a powerful post you have written. Although I have not left a comment on your wonderful blog for a while, I always made sure to follow you on fb and insta. You are an inspiration!
    Thank you for your wonderful writing that is pulling at my heartstrings!
    Sending you a big fat hug!
    xo
    Andrea
    The Kitchen Lioness recently posted..Sacristains & Summer Vacation VibesMy Profile

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