In Memory of Kay Kim's Blogs

Her Son Murdered My Sister

May 26, 2010


~ I wonder if your mother awakened this morning thinking of you. I believe she did. After all, you were her son: the college hockey player, the great musician, the long distant runner, the one with the Master’s Degree.


And once upon a time, it’s hard to imagine, you swam inside her empty womb.


I’m certain the moment she opened her eyes, she remembered. She inhaled, exhaled, and perhaps said a little prayer, or fell to her knees wishing with her entire core you were still here instead of dead inside the cold, Minnesota soil.


She must question what went wrong. What happened. How did it end up this way? Did she love too much, too little, too passively, too aggressively? Was any of it ever enough for you?


I consider her sometimes, your mother, when I’m in a melancholy mood, especially on March 29th, the day of your birth. Does she go to your grave on that particular day, bring you a bouquet of fresh tulips. Does she have regrets about not stopping you from killing my sister? Does she cry for what might have been? I do. I will cry until the day I die.


Yes, it’s true, there are an abundance of tears to last a life-time.


By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask, what was it like before you took your last breath, before you shot yourself in the right temple? Did your whole life emerge before your eyes like we observe in the films? Did you see my sister’s face? Were you pondering going strait to hell, or heaven, or someplace else?


Anyway, my stomach tightened this morning like small fists with open claws.


I wanted to call your mother, ask her how she was doing. I wanted to hug her tightly as two mothers might, and tell her I didn’t blame her for your decision to rip our lives in a million unfinished, unfathomable pieces.


That’s what I wanted to do, but I know I never will.


When you were alive, my sister used to invite us over to your elaborate birthday parties, which I dreaded. She’d bake rice crispy bars with four inches of milk chocolate, her famous molasses baked beans, and she’d scatter multi colored balloons and bowls of M&Ms throughout the living room and kitchen.


I hated being there, watching her run around the house trying to satisfy us while you did nothing, said nothing. I hated that she had to make-up for your limitations like voids and vacant spaces that couldn’t be filled.


There was a darkness flowing there, a sort of Kafkaesque danger, but in all those years, celebrations, births, family dinners, and milestones, I didn’t believe you’d actually kill her.




I thought about your mother today because it’s your birthday.


I know she’s thinking about you, as well, reflecting on what was lost, who you could’ve been, and what will never be. It’s all so damn sad and unnecessary that any of it happened.


You were born and lived and breathed the same air as the entire universe. You could’ve been somebody with substance, a good father, husband, human-being.


But instead–


You became a murderer.


( On May 26, 2010, my sister, Kay, was shot 3 times in the head by her estranged husband. He then shot himself in the right temple. It was the darkest day of our lives. )

—-GET Help for Domestic Abuse/ Call The National Hotline TODAY: Don’t wait another minute. @ 1-800-799-7233

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  • Reply
    March 29, 2017 at 2:46 pm

    Thinking of you.

  • Reply
    Terri Siegler
    March 29, 2017 at 4:09 pm

    wow Kim this is deep, I love everything you have to say in here. I feel your love and pain.

  • Reply
    lisa thomson
    March 29, 2017 at 4:16 pm

    Tears. Tears for a murderer’s mother. Mostly tears for you and your beloved sister. Sending extra hugs to you today, Kim. xxxooo

  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    March 29, 2017 at 4:51 pm

    I understand you thinking of her, I get that entirely. Your heart of empathy is more than a blessing, though I know it feels like a curse sometimes.

    As always, I love you I feel you. I wish I could wrap you in peace today.

    <3 <3 <3

  • Reply
    March 29, 2017 at 8:31 pm

    I have no words. This brought tears to my eyes. Hugs.

  • Reply
    Elephants Child
    March 29, 2017 at 9:44 pm

    As always I am hurting for and with you. And with his poor mama.
    Such a dreadful burden to carry.

  • Reply
    March 30, 2017 at 1:27 am

    Such a good and moving question very well expressed. Thinking of you always x

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    March 30, 2017 at 5:43 am

    I have goosebumps reading this…I actually was wondering if his mother ever apologized for what her son did…not that it would ever have brought anything, but that’s least she could do to your family..

  • Reply
    March 30, 2017 at 7:57 am

    Powerful post, Kim. Virtual hugs for both your families — I cannot imagine how much grief this murder-suicide has caused, and I pray the kids are growing up surrounded by lot of love!

  • Reply
    March 30, 2017 at 10:00 am

    As always,,very powerful and thought provoking. I have often wondered how I would feel, as the mother of a son I love with every fibre of my being; if my son were capable of such an horrific act.
    I know he isn’t, thank God, but how could a mother deal with it? Not blame herself?
    Big hugs to you

  • Reply
    Charlene Ross
    March 30, 2017 at 10:44 am

    Sending you so much love, Kim. Today and every day. Oh, how I wish I had the magic words, the magic anything, to take the pain away.

  • Reply
    Sandra Garth
    March 30, 2017 at 12:11 pm

    Even though there could never be a correct one, I hate that you have so many unanswered questions. Sending you love and hugs.

  • Reply
    Minnesota Prairie Roots
    March 30, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    Wrapping you in love, praying for the blessing of peace even as you ponder these questions and endure unending grief.

  • Reply
    Dawn in MI
    March 30, 2017 at 2:05 pm

    I understand. You feel for her yet you need to keep a space between you. I think of the driver that killed my dad and wonder if he ever thinks of dad or us. Sometimes I think about finding him, his name is unique and it wouldn’t be hard. But I know I won’t. Hugs to you and your family.

  • Reply
    Lisa Gordon
    March 30, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    Such a powerful post, Kim. I too, feel for his mother, being a mother myself.
    So many questions left unanswered. So much pain for everyone involved.
    Sending you hugs my friend.

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    March 30, 2017 at 7:33 pm

    Love you Kimmy!!😘❤️💋

  • Reply
    March 30, 2017 at 11:41 pm

    Wrapping you in love and light darling Kim. Holding you in warm sunshine filled hugs for a peaceful day.
    Mandy xoxoxoxo

  • Reply
    March 31, 2017 at 8:28 am

    I can’t imagine what it must be like to be his mother. I’m sure she often wishes he had included her in his killing spree. Such an awful legacy. Your words strike chords like no others.

  • Reply
    March 31, 2017 at 8:35 am

    prayers and tears for all that was loved and lost.

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    March 31, 2017 at 9:20 am

    I’m sure every year on his birthday, her heart breaks just a little more, just like yours does for Kay. As a mother who gave birth to a little baby boy, one she now has to question, as you said, where she went wrong in raising him, she also lives the horror of loss, but also knowing he did that. Her little baby boy became a monster somewhere in his life. The heartbreak all around is unfathomable. I hear it in your words.

  • Reply
    March 31, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    well done Kim, I also feel bad for his mother.

  • Reply
    Peta Kaplan
    April 2, 2017 at 3:48 am

    Wow. This is powerful stuff. Our hearts go out to you on this day, especially, as you share this painful tragic family history. Thanks also for the very unique perspective of your relating to the murderers mom. Lives cut short unexplicably. No words.

    Peta & Ben

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    April 2, 2017 at 11:11 am

    Tears. Fresh grief poured over me as I read this… I can’t imagine what his mother must be enduring, and I wonder how dark her days must be. Every time I read your profound story, your aching words, I still shake my head in disbelief. This perspective is powerful, soul shaking, crushing.

    I touch Kay’s cross and tell her I’m sorry. So sorry. I close my eyes and envision her whole, happy, healed. Glowing in Heaven’s light.

    Then I pray for you, and your precious family torn by it all and the tears fall.

  • Reply
    Annette Connelly
    April 3, 2017 at 11:37 am

    Kim wonders…(By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask, what was it like before you took your last breath, before you shot yourself in the right temple? Did your whole life emerge before your eyes like we observe in the films? Did you see my sister’s face? Were you pondering going strait to hell, or heaven, or someplace else?)

    See I’ve copied pasted a section of your writing because my first husband (Ex) died in 2011. I wondered about his soul too. What happened when he crossed over? Was he shown scenes of what an ass he could be? Did God show him the times he was stricken with anger at people who believed in God? Is he in Hell? Does he see me with my husband who holds my hand in church? Does he scream? Does he curse God for the consequences he brought on himself?

    He Didn’t get God. He blamed God for bad choices other people made. That is what a pickled alcohol/ drug infested spirit turns up. He adored his mom as much as I did. I got along with his dad only knowing who he was at an earlier time in his life. The irony? He and his brothers put his mom on a pedestal. She was worthy of this. But they hated what their dad was and reflected who he was in their personalities.

    After I left him he was so sorry. He had a mental breakdown and reached out to me. I could not care for him anymore so I contacted his family. I received a phone call from his sister in law who said I’d won the respect of his family. They saw his true colors because once he lost his target; me. He made them his target. Did I get some solace from this? Some. But I still regret the little woman who took to him. What a waste of emotions. And my string of abusive relationships would not end there.

    I finally got to a point where I had it out with God. I gave him the reigns and said I’d rather be single than ever be in a bad relationship again. So if God wanted me in a relationship I’d be agreeable to it if it were someone like Rik.

    Well our friendship changed one day and now we are soul mates.

    I ask God if he wants me to write a book. Something titled (Not in His will). Something to help women break free form abuse; spiritual, emotional and physical. What it does to the souls of people around them who have to witness it. And you know what I talking about don’t you Kim? Yes, their family, friends, see someone they love with a monster and they feel helpless powerless.

    I’m sorry Kay is gone. What an ass. He could have taken his own life and left her alone. He gave her a gift because she is in Heaven, but he robbed you and your family of her presence in your current life . FUCKING SELFISH MONSTER.

    I’m sorry Kim. You’ve seen my voice come out with regard to sensitivity to how women are treated in the middle east. Yes, I know not ALL are bad. But one bad man can cause so much damage and teach that damage to others. Satan loves men like this. He loves to see their behavior spread like a cancer.

    How can a guy exercise spiritual abuse on a woman. HOW? I think a man like this needs to be exercised of his own demons. But men like this do not see. They have scales on their eyes.

    What to do. I think I want write the book. God will give me the go ahead for this. Men will hate me for it. But I will set some souls free.

    Until then I just embrace what is better. I try to forgive. But I’ll NEVER forget.

    Until we talk again,


    Little Chicke

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 6, 2017 at 10:56 am

      As always, Little Chickie,
      I appreciate you sharing your soul, heart, & story w/ my readers & ME!
      Kay stayed a very long time…partly because of her religion.
      She asked me, “what would God think if I left him?”
      I said, “I don’t care!”
      Anyhow, she’s away from him now & with our loving father. xxx

  • Reply
    April 3, 2017 at 11:42 am

    Your post leaves me with a question – questions maybe mothers don’t have for the easy children they raise, but for the harder ones they raise, the ones that struggle. How as mothers, then, do we live fully God’s plan when our children struggle? When we’ve loved, disciplined, taught and prayed but still they struggle? In faith of God’s grace, how does one move forward? How does one allow God to redeem grace out of awful hurt, pain and loss you describe so well? You show the heart of this pain so well that my heart hurts, too! Praying for your family and his mother.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 4, 2017 at 6:11 am

      So many questions, which are unanswered…
      but one day, when I meet Kay in paradise, I shall ask God.
      I have MANY questions for HIM.
      Thank you for praying ………. I know God hears. xx

  • Reply
    marie kléber
    April 4, 2017 at 5:50 am

    Your heart is like an ocean of kindness Kim. “I wanted to call your mother, ask her how she was doing. I wanted to hug her tightly as two mothers might, and tell her I didn’t blame her for your decision to rip our lives in a million unfinished, unfathomable pieces.”
    I wonder how his mother breathes or whether she can breathe like normal people do.
    So many dates – so many reminders of your loss, of Kay’s beautiful face being torn apart, of your heart being crushed.
    Praying for you, sending you love and many butterfly kisses.

  • Reply
    Gary Sidley
    April 6, 2017 at 4:39 am

    As always, there clearly are multiple victims of this man’s barbaric acts.

    Sending soothing vibes from the UK. Take care.

  • Reply
    Susan Casey
    April 7, 2017 at 2:30 pm

    As usual your post took my breath away. When a child commits murder, often people point fingers at the parents, wondering what they did to raise a murderer, having little to no compassion for their loss. They not only lost a child, they are left with guilt, with the horrors of what their child did and how and why and what could they have done to prevent it.

    You are such a beautiful example of how as human beings we can still have compassion under the most horrific circumstances. I love you…I love your words and I respect, appreciate and admire how you turned your darkest day into a guiding light that help others to find their way to a safe haven, leaving their hellish lives behind to begin anew. You are a powerful And important voice to help women reclaim their lives and to remind them that they have the courage to leave; they have a right to live an abuse-free life.

    Keep on writing and helping to save lives. I love you!

  • Reply
    April 8, 2017 at 6:51 pm

    Another miserable anniversary date. So much devastation created by one selfish man. Wishing you peace as always….xoxo

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