Kim's Blogs

When You Lose Your Voice


 

Writing. Always Writing.

You know what terrifies me, makes me go cold and yucky inside? Well, I’ll tell you.

 

Fruitlessness.

 

Not being able to articulate myself.

 

Losing my voice.

 

Not finding the right language.

 

Waking up without a story.

 

Forgetting.

 

O’ My dear God, forgetting might be the most unbearable of all.

 

My mother told me I used to walk around with a tablet and pencil when I was little taking notes, writing words, scribbling poetry, observing the world around me. I couldn’t get enough. I wanted to remember every. little. detail.

 

For example, I found this written on a slip of paper recently inside one of my old books:

 

“I want to write about faces I especially like, expressions, eyes, smiles. They really tell more than words.” –Kim Sisto, 7 years old. ( I got a kick out of that )

 

My daddy told me when I was five years old, he heard me sobbing in my bedroom. When he asked what was wrong, I said, “Why am I here? When I die, will I then be nothing?”

 

Even at a young age, I desperately wanted to be something, someone.

 

When you’re a parent, you better damn well be able to answer those questions.

 

Thus…

 

I still have beliefs, imaginings, and a million ideas crowded inside my brain like wild bitches crying to be released. I still have a heart, which beats erratically and outrageously when I meet a person who excites me, moves me, causes my petals to blossom.

 

But sometimes, not often, I do awaken without words, without purpose, without soul, without a story, without hope of a better tomorrow.

 

On those days, I fall to my knees in prayer, I bake chocolate chip cookies, I make fettucine Alfredo, I call my big fat Italian family, I remember, and I look around observing what remains…

 

And I simply utter, “Thank You.”

 

 

—-Dear, Reader, when you become blue, what do you do? Have you found your purpose on this earth?

 

—Leave your name in the comments and where you are from. Give me a sentence about what you desire. xx


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59 Comments

  • Reply
    Darla Halyk
    February 4, 2017 at 10:13 am

    It terrifies me too, losing my voice. But I believe there is a story in everything, and you have the gift to write about them. <3

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 3:57 pm

      I agree, Darla,
      but sometimes, just sometimes, the words get caught inside my throat! xx

  • Reply
    Tia
    February 4, 2017 at 10:48 am

    Love you 💋

  • Reply
    Lisa Gordon
    February 4, 2017 at 12:20 pm

    Oh, my sweet friend, but you haven’t lost your voice!
    Just go back and read this.
    I do know the feeling, though. Not losing my voice, because, in all honesty, I don’t write that much at all, but I liken this to the times when I simply do not “see” anything when I look through the lens of my camera. It happens, and it will continue to happen, and I have to accept that because I have learned that when I fight it, it just seems to get worse for me. SO…. what do I do? I put it down, and go on to something else that I love, and presto, in no time, I start seeing again. Just part of the cycle of things, I think.
    But again, I still don’t think you’ve lost your voice! 🙂
    Sending you hugs.
    xo.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 3:59 pm

      YES, Lisa,
      I can see this “Blockage” happening in all forms of art.
      Love your comments and support! xxx

  • Reply
    Trish
    February 4, 2017 at 1:45 pm

    I’m sill searching for my purpose but I think I’m getting closer. There’s nothing like puppy snuggles when I’m feel my blue.
    Thinking of you.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 4:00 pm

      Trish,
      you are such a gifted human being.
      I’m VERY excited to see where God leads you.
      You have Already accomplished so much, dear. xxx

  • Reply
    Joan Peterson
    February 4, 2017 at 2:33 pm

    This is exactly how I feel when writing for my blog. Sometimes it takes me a long time to get my voice back and then others I can just write without thinking. Thanks for writing this.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 4:01 pm

      Yes, Joan,
      sometimes I will just sit and the words sort of just come..
      as if they are their own entities.
      Scary!
      –you are such a warrior w/ your words and presence. x

  • Reply
    Minnesota Prairie Roots
    February 4, 2017 at 3:15 pm

    To care seems my purpose in life. To care via love and words and writing and photos…

    Your words always astound me, Kim. You write with such depth, and in a voice that is uniquely and strongly yours. I love that about your writing. You are honest and compassionate and hold nothing back.

    That you were writing like this already at age seven is just, wow, remarkable.

    Love from Faribault

  • Reply
    Carrie Rubin
    February 4, 2017 at 4:38 pm

    When I’m blue, I just try to get to work. Busying my mind keeps me from focusing on whatever’s weighing me down. Usually…

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 4:02 pm

      Great tip, Carrie.
      Are you still in your practice? x

  • Reply
    Carrie
    February 4, 2017 at 5:03 pm

    For as long as I can remember I have worried about finding my purpose. I lost sleep worrying about never finding a way to leave this world a better place for me being here. I asked my mom once if she ever worried about not finding her purpose; she looked at me like I was nuts. I just thought everyone must worry about their purpose but I gather many people don’t. My family always thought I was a bit of a “flake” to quote my father.
    I always wrote, poetry, my heart breaks, and always did well in school on any written projects. I was told in grade school to neverify stop writing but when I was in my early teens, 12 maybe, my father ransacked my bedroom looking for? Evidence of my sins? All he found was my poetry, innocent sweet teenage crush kinda poems and my diary. Which he read out loud at a “family meeting” and laughed.
    I never wrote again, not until I left my abusive ex after 10 years and he told me to kill myself because no man would ever want me anyway. I contemplated granting his wish but instead I started my blog and vowed that I was going to survive and share my story as I went in hopes that some other woman who felt all alone would find it and know she was not alone or crazy. I swore to God I would never stop speaking out until my last breath.
    I sometimes can’t find anything to write about, I feel I have said it all. I have heard from hundreds of women who say I saved their life; so I know what I experiended was all worth it and I feel I have found my purpose. I had to go through what I did in order to find my voice again.
    If I get blue I go for a long walk with my Stella, nature clears my mind, watching Stella play fills my heart.
    LaSt time I went for a walk I met another woman with her dog. We started a typical dog owner conversation and before I knew it she was telling me all about her abusive husband. She surprised herself, she said she never talked about it let alone a stranger. We hugged when we parted ways.
    Obviously she needed someone to listen and to care, and I was there. I didn’t solve anything for her, I didn’t try. My purpose was to just be there, listen and not judge.
    I sometimes wish I could make money writing or even as a counselor in a woman shelter but….. no ……. I will make money doing something else. I know I have found my purpose for being here.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 4:03 pm

      Beautiful. Heart wrenching words, Carrie.
      You “BEING” there is indeed a GREAT purpose! xx

  • Reply
    Mandy
    February 5, 2017 at 2:00 am

    Yes, yes, yes!
    Love, love, love!
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    February 5, 2017 at 3:54 am

    You always know how to express yourself…o man, I wish I had your talent, Kim. You are truly my inspiration!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 4:05 pm

      Angie,
      you have many talents that I envy!! x

  • Reply
    totally Caroline
    February 5, 2017 at 6:32 am

    Your post reminds me of a quote by Maya Angelou, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
    My purpose on the earth? To love … even if the only way I can do that is to smile at someone or help someone in a small way.
    When I’m blue? I listen to positive talk on YouTube or listen to music. I adore Florence + the Machine.
    Much love to you chicky ❤

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 4:06 pm

      “To Love.”
      WOW.
      There is really no greater purpose, Caroline. x

  • Reply
    Ginger
    February 5, 2017 at 6:50 am

    You at 5 and 7 years old is adorable and amazing. Says a lot about the deep and gifted storyteller you are today. Love this and love you.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 4:06 pm

      Ginger,
      love you back, my dearest sweetheart. xx

  • Reply
    Bernadette Burnham
    February 5, 2017 at 8:04 am

    When I’m blue? I get outside, take a hike in nature, sit by our great Lake Superior. The water caressing the shores brings me solace in these days that are oh so insure. I call my daughters just to hear their voice and I think of all I am grateful for in my life.
    You are amazing, I just can’t imagine you without words my friend!

  • Reply
    Susan Boswell
    February 5, 2017 at 9:58 am

    A lovely post Kimmie- I love ❤️ the thought of little YOU- all we know of you NOW in a tiny gutsy curious little package… your own mini me! Lol
    I grew up in a strange mix- the source of what empowerment I knew was one of acceptance… especially in what I viewed as negative circumstances. I truly thought my voice had no power whatsoever. When I “made wishes” I used to wish to be happy and content with where ever I was in life and with whatever I had in life. I think I was afraid of wanting more, maybe I never thought any of it would happen- I’m not sure.

    So when I began writing, the first words pretty much were my skirt blogs, the world – my works- began to open up.

    Of course, I have since learned that those struggles became my greatest source of strength and that friction is a catalyst for moving somewhere, anywhere.

    But to your question, when the world is closing in on me- my Gemini demons fight for custody- and I either travel or nest. Travel takes me out of my head and gives me a different mindset. But nesting is restful and helps me get centered.

    I love you and am so thankful for your friendship and inspiration. Xcoo😘

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 4:07 pm

      Susan,
      I’m so proud of you for publishing your book.
      Will you be doing it on audio, too?
      Love you from Duluth. xxxx

  • Reply
    Elisabeth Kinsey
    February 5, 2017 at 10:47 am

    You are so articulate about your voice! The irony comes through…sometimes I let my body move so that it can heal. I sway and pretend that I am five. I also imagine blessings showering, because we all deserve blessings and need to remember to ask the universe for them!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 4:08 pm

      Showering blessings.
      I can SEE them.
      I can feel them sprinkling over my skin.
      I love that! xxx

  • Reply
    lisa thomson
    February 5, 2017 at 12:09 pm

    Hi Kim, I’ve certainly felt the despair. I think when I was half way through my book I felt that exact fear of losing my voice. Then worse, losing my purpose and desire to finish it. Somehow, I got it back and finished it in short order. I believe I had help from above. I don’t know how else to explain it. I think gratitude for the things we have can really lead to finding our voice. It is prayer, really.
    I love the vision of you as a child, so determined to write and observe people. That says so much about who you are and why I love you. xoxo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 5, 2017 at 4:09 pm

      Lisa,
      you have done SO very much w/ your words and VOICE.
      Love you, too! xx

  • Reply
    Chicken
    February 5, 2017 at 8:02 pm

    I clean. I run. Walk? I drink wine. Fold laundry while it’s still warm. Put on a fire and some music. I do whatever my brain tells me my soul needs.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 6, 2017 at 5:47 am

      Dear, Chicken,
      Love that you fold laundry while it’s still warm.
      That makes all the difference in the world & feels good & comforting on the fingers! X
      PS. usually my cat tries to sit on my warm towels.

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    February 5, 2017 at 9:21 pm

    “I want to write about faces I especially like, expressions, eyes, smiles. They really tell more than words.” <—Seriously, you were born with God's greatest gift of all. A PASSIONATE HEART. And I am regularly blessed and in awe of your VOICE.

    I can go through seasons of not having that voice- that passion- that inspiration… And I remind myself that silence is a sign of restoration taking place. My voice, my passion always ALWAYS comes back. And I KNOW that yours does too.

    God has too much work to do- through us, and every voice that allows Him to come through it. <3

    Someday I hope I can go on a walk with you, eat your cookies, have a plate of your fettuccine, drink some wine, and soak each other in.

  • Reply
    My Inner Chick
    February 6, 2017 at 5:48 am

    restoration taking place.**

    LOooooooooooooooVE!

    Yes, Chris, soak each other in. What a beautiful day that will be. xxxx

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    February 6, 2017 at 1:10 pm

    First of all, this post just spoke to the hollowness I’ve been desperately trying to fill –
    I sit in my patio window with my dog and when the sun hits just right, I close my eyes and pretend that we are somewhere luxurious. Anywhere but here. Sometimes I take a beer. Like a real one. It’s the little things. I also sit in my car in the parking lot listening to the radio when it’s sunny. Often times, I’ll write there. It’s too cold and icy to be outside walking so just sitting out in the car is just enough for me. xoxoxo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 6, 2017 at 9:27 pm

      —Kimberly,
      your words continually touch my core,
      bones, soul.
      Your breath can be felt upon my skin in Duluth, MN
      xx flowing.

  • Reply
    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
    February 6, 2017 at 9:29 pm

    This beautifully written post is right on target for me. I feel paralyzed when I can’t write. Sometimes I waste hours staring at my laptop and I can’t think of a single sentence to write. This makes me crazy, and I end up scrolling through Facebook to kill time. Depression steals my creativity and breeds writer’s block. It’s a struggle every day.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 7, 2017 at 1:50 pm

      Marcia,
      I didn’t know this about you.
      Thank you for sharing.
      Hugs and Muses from Duluth. xxx00

  • Reply
    Nan Loyd
    February 7, 2017 at 10:20 am

    What bothers me the most is how many people want to squash someone’s voice – when it doesn’t agree with what they want, say or believe. When someone expresses themselves eloquently and gets shot down because people don’t agree with the content. We are fast becoming a world that says, “Believe what I believe or I will shame you, un-follow you, humiliate you, and bully you into backing down. You are not allowed to be different” – on BOTH sides of a coin, liberal and conservative.

    Depression doesn’t live in this house. Alpha Hubby won’t let it, not even a trickle. Thank God.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 7, 2017 at 1:52 pm

      SO TRUE.
      Especially now in the world.
      This hate will cause a civil war if we do not listen to one another.
      And I’m talking about Republicans & Democrats!

      xxxxx say hi to the cows.

  • Reply
    Debbie
    February 7, 2017 at 12:09 pm

    Kim, LOVE LOVE LOVE you at 7!! You’ve always been a writer, my friend. My bigger fear (even bigger than not being able to find the words) is not having enough TIME! Good writing takes time. It just doesn’t spill out onto a page and sit there. Still, we writers are pros at procrastinating … and today, we have waaaay more ways to do that, don’t we? I’m thinking social media, outside jobs, family obligations, etc.

    Fortunately for me, I don’t usually succumb to feelings of depression (just call me Debbie Sunshine, ha!) But when things get too much for me, I take a walk, listen to music, run to the mall and finger pretty things, eat some chocolate, turn on the lights to block the dreariness outdoors, cuddle my dog. 😉

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 7, 2017 at 1:53 pm

      OooooooooooH, I love the stuff you do, Debbie.
      And I forgot about CAT LOVE)))! Such beautiful therapy. xxx

  • Reply
    Monica
    February 7, 2017 at 11:01 pm

    When I become blue I hunker down. In other words, I settle down and let the warmth of my home overtake me, until I feel absolutely cozy and relaxed. Those are the times I wish I could stay put and never leave my home. It is my refuge and I love it. Might be small but it suits me just fine. Me and my dogs, that is.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 8, 2017 at 5:53 am

      Yes, Monica,
      God gave us animals for a reason.
      Such joy!
      Such a blessing!
      xxx

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    February 8, 2017 at 3:25 pm

    What an amazing kid you were (and amazing adult now!). I love that little note you wrote to yourself! xxx

  • Reply
    Jeri
    February 8, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    Finding one’s purpose is hard, but my therapist keeps reminding me we are here on this earth not to be happy, but to seek fulfillment. We will always be seeking and never be satisfied. When I get blue, I do find comfort in that it is a cycle that will end. Yet, I can say that because I’ve never been majorly blue, just sort of…

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 8, 2017 at 6:59 pm

      I agree.
      Our lives are not to be happy all the time on this earth.
      I believe I will only be WHOLE & Complete when I meet God.
      Xx Kiss from MN, Jeri.

  • Reply
    Marie Kléber
    February 9, 2017 at 3:34 am

    I don’t think you can lose your voice Kim. Maybe for a moment. Like every one of us. Cause we need silence too. Your VOICE is too AMAZING for you to lose it. God will never let this happen! Trust me!

    I spent years feeling trapped in a life I thought was not mine to live. i wanted to know why I was on earth, what I could do, how I could be of any use.
    One day I decided that being me, inspiring others through my words, was my purpose. Maybe angels WHISPERED it to me. Maybe I realised I would lose my voice if I kept wondering “why I am here?” instead of living the life that God offered me.
    When I feel blue, I go out for a walk (even better if I am near to the sea – I love the SEA). Or I put on the best music and start dancing like crazy in my living room!

    Stay RAW, stay YOU Kim. You are one of a kind!
    xoxo

  • Reply
    My Inner Chick
    February 9, 2017 at 5:50 am

    ***Maybe I realised I would lose my voice if I kept wondering “why I am here?” instead of living the life that God offered me.***

    The best advice I’ve received all week!!

    Lovely, Marie. Just as “YOU” are. xxxx from MN

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    February 9, 2017 at 10:03 am

    Not all who wonder or wander, are lost! And your voice is still there! A beautiful voice.

  • Reply
    Jennie Goutet
    February 9, 2017 at 10:51 am

    I recognise myself in you. I recognise the young me in the young you. I put words to that in my memoir, in the chapter about my childhood – that desperate longing I felt and sometimes still feel. I’m grateful that it eventually led me to God.

    When I wake up without a story, I eat too much. I do. But when I’m doing it right, I pray and get hugs, and wait for God to give me my voice back. Sending some of those hugs to you.

  • Reply
    Sandra Garth
    February 9, 2017 at 1:33 pm

    I feel my purpose is to teach. I retired from our community college teaching in the Lifelong Wellness Division a few years back and I miss it like crazy! I’ve taught community ed classes, taught in my home and even taught cake decorating at the elementary school when our kids were little. However, I feel that there is something else I’m meant to teach and I’m very open to finding out what.

  • Reply
    Charlene Ross
    February 12, 2017 at 9:18 am

    Kim, your words always move me. You may feel that you’ve lost your voice (if only temporarily), but you haven’t your friends. (Just look at all the comments from the people you move with them.)

    When I’m blue I write (even though it’s crap, but it helps) and listen to sad music until I’m ready to listen to happy music again. Walking helps too and trying to notice the beauty around me, no matter how small.

    Love you, my friend.

  • Reply
    Anna @ shenANNAgans
    February 17, 2017 at 2:32 am

    Being a wedding and event planner makes my heart sing, when I am doing this, I just have such a sense of well being and happiness and like I am exactly where I am meant to be. So… I guess my purpose on this planet is to serve. 🙂

  • Reply
    Dad
    February 23, 2017 at 1:44 pm

    When I am blue I pray and pray and than remember how bless that I really am that I have a great family, friends, and GOD.

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