~I was one of the few girls in middle school who developed breasts way too early. Large breasts. Woman breasts. Breasts that boys gawked at, pointed to, and giggled about.
I know this is absolutely true, because one afternoon as I was standing in the lunch line at West Junior High, I overheard B.B. talking about me. Clearly and crisply, I heard Sisto, big boobies, and she’s really easy.
Still, writing this today, evokes the sensation of horror and humiliation. To make things worse, I pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about and continued being friends with him. I mean, isn’t that the way boys talk anyhow? Doesn’t that mean they like you?
Look, after all these years, I remember. I’ve written about these same sexual, demeaning comments in past essays.
She’s. Really. Easy. ( definition, ‘she’s really stupid.’ )
What does that mean; a 12 year old girl with breasts will give away her body, her soul, her virginity?
I started to wear a Calvin Klein jean jacket to school to cover up. Even on 80 above summer days, I utilized the blue material as protection to stop the teasing, the staring.
Boys will be boys. This is how they behave, so I was the one who had to change.
When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see who I should’ve been, who I desired to be. The poet. The writer. The brain.
I saw an imposter, a phony, a plastic girl who was adapting, or trying to adapt to the hostile environment she was in.
I. remember.
Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Come on, man, this is middle school. So what. Who cares what happened back then. Kids are resilient.”
The thing is, it’s still happening. MORE. And often. And every single day. Read the newspapers. Listen to the news. It’s happening with our own Presidential Nominee.
“Grab them by the P*ssy.”
Oh, well, boys will be boys, right? We will adapt, right? This is locker talk, right?
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
At my 20 year reunion, I saw B.B. standing with a group of guys near the mini bar. My hands started to sweat, my heart beat faster. I could even smell West Junior’s waxed floors, the old text books.
As I walked past them, I semi smiled. I had nothing to say to any of them. Not now. Not ever.
“Hey, Sisto,” B.B. yelled after me. “I see you still have big boobs.”
I kept walking, my heels clicking on the tiled floor with purpose and deliberation. I then turned around as I never did in middle school and said,
“And I see you’re still an asshole.”
—Dear, Reader, this is a true story about finally using & finding my VOICE. And now I can’t stop. I will never stop. Have you experienced a B.B. in your life? If so, have you confronted him/her?
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52 Comments
ladyfi
October 21, 2016 at 8:59 amBurn! And good for you – saying ‘Boys will be boys’ or ‘Girls will be girls’ (about bitchy women/girls at school – is never okay as it’s expressions like these that excuse such behaviour and allow it to carry on…
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:18 amRight on, Lady Fi! x
Trish
October 21, 2016 at 9:00 amProud of you- bullies suck! Xoxo
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:19 amBullies suck rotten eggs! x
Tammi
October 21, 2016 at 9:32 amas one of “those girls” myself in middle school, I know what this feels like. I wish I had your courage. You are my new hero… for this and so many reasons 🙂
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:20 amYou do have the courage.
Don’t you know that already?! xxx
Debbie D.
October 21, 2016 at 10:32 amYou tell’em, Kim! That was a great response. The asshole never grew up, did he?
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:21 amNope,
I’ve come to the conclusion that many people never change. x
Minnesota Prairie Roots
October 21, 2016 at 11:19 amBravo to you, Kim, for calling B.B. out, for naming him as the jerk he was and still is today.
“Only middle school” scarring can last a life-time. I know. I was bullied. I have written about it, too, but not as pointedly as you. Maybe it’s time I did.
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:22 amWrite about it.
it allows others to tell their stories, too! xx
Liz
October 21, 2016 at 11:31 amBrava! Way to speak the truth.
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:22 amIs there any other way to speak?!! xx
Barbara
October 21, 2016 at 12:24 pmI think the best thing to come out of this election, aside from getting the first woman president, is shining a light on this insane rape culture and sexual abuse. Awareness is key and everyone, whether they agree or not, is aware now of how bad it has been and still is.
xob
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:23 amStill is.
If we all stand up, speak out, rise up…
we can change the world! x
DAWN
October 21, 2016 at 1:22 pmHope he was satisfactorily mortified.
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:23 amI didn’t look back to see!! xx
Alina
October 21, 2016 at 1:33 pmI definitely can relate, it was the most horrifying thing that happened to me in middle school. I’m 29 years old and I still am self conscience about the size of breasts… nice post.
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:25 amAlina,
Isn’t that horrid…
that we need to still be self-conscience about the size of our breasts?
It really pisses me off.
Miss you. x
Jodi Aman
October 21, 2016 at 1:59 pmSo glad you sad that!
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:25 amIt was a long time coming, Jodi. xx
Elephant's Child
October 21, 2016 at 3:01 pmYay you. And his big mouth is bigger than your breasts.
Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me is an out and out LIE. Who of us doesn’t wear the scars from vicious words. Decades later.
Hugs.
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:26 amLIE
Lie
Lie
Words are more Powerful than Fists.
Xxx
nan @ lbddiaries
October 21, 2016 at 4:51 pmWhile I can’t go back and confont the many guys I’m telling about on my blog from my past starting with that boss I had at 15 who exposed himself to me, I still win now. Why? Because I can talk about it knowing I did nothing wrong, each and every time.
The only person who knew every story was my mother. I just tucked away and ignored every incident until the poison of it boiled out of me years latet as I told Alpha Hubby about them. They also came out during a session with my life and health coach. MAN did the incidents dig their claws in back then. How interesting that BB apparently hadn’t changed at all!!
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:26 amI’m so happy you found Alpha Hubby, Nan! 🙂 xx
Peta Kaplan
October 21, 2016 at 5:52 pmWell done!!! I applaud you for not just swallowing the taunts years later, but for taking action and giving it back! Yes!
I agree that taunting from school days can linger with us for decades. As young children we are all impressionable and vulnerable. One cannot underestimate the damage.
As the country moves forward to having it’s first woman president ! hopefully positive change in attitudes towards women will evolve and have a “trickle down” effect.
Peta
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:29 amPeta,
I remember in school if a boy punched you
in the arm- it meant ‘he liked you.’
The beginning of DV, belittling, & looking at girls as ‘less than.’
I can’t believe we all fell for that sh*t.
Anyhow.
Yes, a woman president.
Crossing my fingers! xx
Angie@Angie's Recipes
October 22, 2016 at 12:50 amAwesome that you said it right to his face!! And what’s so bad about having big boobs? I wish I had them….
Have a great weekend!
Angie
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 7:30 amLOL.
at that time, I DID’NT.
It took me a LONG long time
to become comfortable inside my own skin and
Boobs! x
Kim Gagnon
October 22, 2016 at 9:43 amGood for you Kimmy!!!
Love and miss you!!💋
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 10:02 amMiss you, too.
Life is just too fast, right? xxxx
Dad
October 22, 2016 at 12:33 pmI ‘m glad what you said to that jerk, sometimes when you open your mouth, you show how stupid you really are. He was same person even after 20 years )STILL A JERK).
LOVE YOU
DAD
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 4:23 pmLove you MORE MORE MORE. xxxxxxxxx
Marie Kléber
October 22, 2016 at 2:13 pmThis is the best answer ever Kim!
I hate when people are saying “they are just boys” or “it will pas”. It doesn’t.
Much love Kim. Glad you found your VOICE!
xoxoxo
My Inner Chick
October 22, 2016 at 4:23 pmMarie,
love flowing to Paris! xxxx
Balroop Singh
October 22, 2016 at 8:40 pmKim, at the age of 12, we don’t know how to react, what to say and whom to share with such sentiments. Insensitivity sticks to some males as they take pride in it! We must hurl it back at them whenever we meet them after growing up. Love you dear friend. You are awesome.
My Inner Chick
October 23, 2016 at 6:45 amAnd you are a great woman, Balroop! xx
Mandy
October 23, 2016 at 1:27 amKim, what an arsehole BB (Big Bully) is. Urgh! You probably find he is one of those who secretly has the hugest issues who takes it out on others. What an idiot!
Love and hugs to you darling Kim. I am slowly prepping for my trip to Kenya and London. Wish I could meet you in London.
Have a beautiful week friend.
🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
My Inner Chick
October 23, 2016 at 6:46 amOOOOOOO, I so wish I could meet you, my sweet Mandy…
for wine and conversation! xxxx
Lisa Thomson
October 23, 2016 at 4:03 amGood one, Kim! Yes, I was called ‘slut’ and c**k tease. I didn’t even know what those words meant. Something else, decent men are disgusted by this talk. Men like DT are an embarrassment to their gender. So glad you had that chance to put B in his place!
My Inner Chick
October 23, 2016 at 6:47 amTogether…
We can CHANGE the Universe!
You already are, sweets! xxx
Debbie
October 23, 2016 at 9:14 amIt makes me sad, Kim, to hear that you had to go through such mortification. I know it’s not comfort, but my sis had the very same “problem” yet, even then, she was “mouthy” enough to put the nay-sayers in their place. Good for you, finally finding your voice, dear!! Nobody — man or woman — should have to undergo such talk!
My Inner Chick
October 23, 2016 at 9:24 amWomen are objectified every. single. day.
This was just one story out of many.
Don’t be sad! Be happy I’m strong enough to tell my story and use my VOICE))))!!! xx
totally Caroline
October 23, 2016 at 12:14 pmI was terribly bullied all through middle school, and even though I’m an adult now, I know it effects who I am today. I never had an opportunity to confront anyone, nor do i wish to. I was not objectified, but i was made to feel very inferior and ashamed. They were some really tough years for me.
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
October 24, 2016 at 6:38 pmKudos to you! I’m so proud of you for standing up to that jerk! I suffered much of the same crap, especially in high school, but mostly for my height ( I was always the tallest one). Kids are so damn cruel and not all are resilient. The nasty comments about my size still haunt me to this day.
Chris Carter
October 24, 2016 at 7:45 pmOH YESSSSSSS!!!!!! What a total asshole… wow wow WOW. I’m more appalled that he would say that to you as an adult than even the crap he pulled as a kid. Shame on HIM. And these men and BOYS are EVERYWHERE. And.. This happens EVERYWHERE to SO MANY young girls and women. Oh gosh, I’d really have to think through ALL the times I felt violated, disrespected, dismissed, negated, used… to name a few.
I’d like to go back and say the same to all of them.
I am so freaking HAPPY you called him out and you keep using that voice LOUD AND CLEAR…
And we all will join you… WE MUST.
Jeri
October 24, 2016 at 7:57 pmI never think of what to say to the BB’s in my life right away. The comeback always comes to me when it’s too late. Maybe I will get my BB moment on of these days…
PorkStar
October 24, 2016 at 8:18 pmHa! Awesome response, you rock!
solidgoldcreativity
October 25, 2016 at 2:15 amHi Kimmy. The Landmark Forum is all about this. These pivotal moments, some overt like this one, some tiny and insignificant, that occur to us from the age of about 3 to early adulthood. What they have in common is that we decide something about ourselves, about the world, and then we live out the rest of our lives through these decisions. The decision you made then, or in an earlier incident when you were a little girl, was about not being smart/being stupid. In my BB-type incident, the decision I made was “I don’t belong”, and when I look in my life that decision is everywhere. xxx
Annette Connelly
October 26, 2016 at 11:37 amHA! Good answer! I hope he felt small, embarrassed and convicted.
I’m considering confronting my ex husband by writing him a letter. If I were to call him well, he’d just hand up on me.
Little Chickie
Kisha Ward
October 28, 2016 at 6:14 amWhoo!! That was one of the best responses you could’ve given. You kept it classy while still giving a bully a piece of your mind. He sucked then and still sucks now after 20 years..wow!
Sandra Garth
October 28, 2016 at 3:12 pmB.B. sounds like a lame excuse for a man and I’m so proud of you for handling him the way you did. You are an angel and inspiration to so many. Thank you in big ol gigantic bunches!
Anna Johnston
November 13, 2016 at 4:41 pmOh Gawd… the memories of that time at school & the way we felt we had to adapt to cope with boys harassment hey, & then I turned around & followed my love of all things food, events & hospitality & yet so much of those first 4 years of chef apprenticeship time was putting up with, coping, finding hard arsed sassy girl back chat to those crazy sexist male chefs who I guess never progressed much at all from their school days, emotionally & socially. Over it I am…..!!!
Well done you for such a great come-back girlfriend.