In Memory of Kay

15 Reasons She Stayed In An Abusive Marriage


 

Our beautiful, gentle Kay.

Our beautiful, gentle Kay.

*****15 Reasons She ( My Sister ) Stayed In An Abusive Marriage*****

 

 

  1. Her babies. They needed a home, a mommy and daddy, a family, a father. He was never a father.

 

  1. She didn’t want to become a single mother. The thing is—she was always a single mother.

 

  1. She was ashamed and embarrassed to go on welfare.  What about the welfare of her three boys?

 

  1. Her faith in God.  She wanted to please her God.  What God is pleased by a dysfunctional, verbally abusive marriage?

 

  1. She didn’t think she could make it on her own.   She could have changed the world.

 

  1. She only had a high school diploma.  Her abuser had her exactly where he wanted her.

 

  1. She continually assumed he’d become a better man.   He was never a real man, and throughout 25 years of marriage, he became a more terrible man.

 

  1. She felt sorry for him. We all did, and in doing so, became part of the problem- not the solution. You see, feeling sorry for somebody doesn’t change them.

 

  1. When he called her a no good for nothing stupid idiot c*nt,  she believed it.

 

  1. He told her nobody else would want her.   He was talking about himself.

 

  1. He was a master manipulator. When she was ready to transform her life, he fell to his knees pleading with her to ((((stay, stay, stay, please, please, please.))))  She did.

 

  1.   She became familiar with the oppression, belittling, and lies.   Like an abused dog who follows her tyrannical master.

 

  1. Her heart was too large. This enormous quality also became her greatest mistake.

 

  1. She believed her home could become a sanctuary. She created elegant gardens with blue and purple hydrangeas’, full hanging planters for indoors, lilacs placed inside lovely glass vases. Nothing helped. Nothing mattered. Her home was a dark, wooden place on the corner of Grand Avenue.

 

  1. She thought he’d change, but he killed her.

 

–A NOTE:   In the months before Kay’s murder,  she went back to school and received her phlebotomist degree. She was becoming empowered, liberated, and separate from him. Unfortunately, he could see this, too.

When she decided to leave Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010,  she didn’t make it out the front door. He shot her 3 times in the back of the head.

You must understand this….he would rather see her dead than lose his control over her.

Kay’s story doesn’t need to be your story, my darlings.

Get help TODAY.

The Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

NEVER. Ever. Stay silent about any kinds of abuse.  TELL  somebody NOW.


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52 Comments

  • Reply
    Red Dwyer
    July 13, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    The love she inspires is in full bloom even today.

    All my heart,
    xxx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2016 at 7:28 am

      Red,
      this is true. Her love lives thru me!. xxx

  • Reply
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape...
    July 13, 2016 at 12:45 pm

    Powerful! #12 is so dangerous. Becoming so familiar with the lies and verbal lashings that they are your ‘normal’. All of these, kim are so important. Her heart was so big but she shone it on the wrong person. She is not to blame. Ever. <3 This post brought tears to my eyes.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2016 at 7:29 am

      Lisa,
      It begins slowly until you have nothing left.
      Kay has finally RISEN. xx

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    July 13, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    It really is strange how you slowly adapt to abuse until it becomes the norm and you forget what free feels like, or that you even need it. Once free, I remember thinking, “Wow, I must have fallen off the whole merry-go-round of the world because it went on without me and I didn’t even realize I’d fallen off into the darkness.” It took a long time to adapt. I wish Kay had had that same type of freedom here on earth.

    Yours is such an amazing voice.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 14, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      Nan,
      you made it out.
      I’m so happy you are still here, my darling. 🙂 xx

    • Reply
      Debbie
      July 16, 2016 at 12:36 am

      Well said. We get sick living with a sick person. People don’t realize it escalates over time. Slowly eroding our confidence bit by bit.

  • Reply
    Minnesota Prairie Roots
    July 13, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    They are master manipulators, especially of those with large hearts. So abusively and deadly true. Many details on your list resonate. I wish they didn’t.

    Thanks for raising awareness, for being Kay’s voice in that uniquely creative and strong voice of yours, Kim.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 14, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      Kay’s large heart was beautiful…
      but also what killed her…
      in the end. xx

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    July 13, 2016 at 1:57 pm

    Her story is sadly common. All of it. And no, never ever blame the victim. HELP THEM LEAVE.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2016 at 7:29 am

      Women in this situation feel POWERLESS…
      THEY are NOT!
      Xx

  • Reply
    Carrie
    July 13, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    *sigh*
    So sad. Two more mother’s died recently in my local area. 6 children left without their mother. 1 child still missing. I pray they find her safe.
    Women must MUST realize these men do not love them. They control them, feed off of them, but they do not have the ability to truly love, they do not change and they will kill you and the children if they feel they are losing control without an ounce of guilt.
    Because you are not a living breathing person in their eyes. You are a possession. Your children need one healthy parent you can’t make him healthy. You need to be the healthy parent.
    Leave. Believe in you.
    Keep shousing it out Kim! You are saving lives.
    Hugs xxxxx

  • Reply
    Michelle
    July 13, 2016 at 3:19 pm

    Dear Kim,
    I am so sorry for your loss, and am so inspired by how your carry your message to the masses. It would make her so proud.
    My husband lost a co-worker to a monster. Her husband shot her, then set the house on fire–the story was recently on 48 hours. Another beautiful woman senselessly lost.
    If you ever feel like you’re not being heard, just know that someone will. What you do is important, and I for one, I’m grateful for you.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 14, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      Michelle,
      I watched that on 48 hours.
      But was he convicted??

  • Reply
    Kim gagnon
    July 13, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    My Kimmy. Your words will help others. I love and miss you !! 😘💋😁

  • Reply
    Mandy
    July 14, 2016 at 2:23 am

    Kim, darling, you are a *hero*, truly, for so many woman, me included.
    Love, love, love to you.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 14, 2016 at 8:29 pm

      Mandy,
      Love love love back to you, sweets. xx
      thank you for all of your support.

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    July 14, 2016 at 3:07 am

    You are a strong woman and the messages you sent out will definitely help many others.
    Angie

  • Reply
    Debbie
    July 14, 2016 at 8:49 am

    Kim, when I was a journalist, a group of us worked on a series of news articles about domestic abuse, and your post here is 100 percent spot on! Every point you make is part of the stable of excuses victims have tried to tell themselves when stuck in a bad situation. If only they knew how strong and capable they really are! Keep telling ’em, my dear! xx

  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    July 14, 2016 at 12:15 pm

    Kim, what a powerful message that runs through your words! Thank you for being you, for being there, for all of us…
    Love & hugs,
    Andrea

  • Reply
    Elisabeth Kinsey
    July 14, 2016 at 3:11 pm

    Wonderful post. I remember an Oprah that went over some of these as “signs” — when to go against nature. Also that if he doesn’t allow you to see your friends and excludes you from them. This is so important for others to see!!!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 16, 2016 at 7:34 am

      Yes.
      Isolation.
      This man could NOT keep her family away from Kay…
      Until the end.
      x

  • Reply
    Kenneth Richardson
    July 14, 2016 at 7:10 pm

    I have about 5-15K hours of personal study on the subject of abuse, all types. I follow 3 or 4 main domestic violence sites and I follow Kay and Kim. I have a high Average IQ with special abilities. I have invested around seven years of my life on figuring out how to stop the violence. I want to say that I find flattery to be the most destructive form of abuse. There are many forms and types of abuse with many reasons for it, but the form I find most destructive is flattery. I correct people when I hear them doing it. I tell them they are “sucking up” kissing the back side” and to be real… this article and story needs to be told. It validates the Author and her sister. validation is medicine for victims who have been invalidated. I love the part about getting a degree… wow… and I am thankful for being allowed to help in the validation of two persons, Kay and Kim…..

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 14, 2016 at 8:25 pm

      —Kenneth Richardson,
      I appreciate you, whomever you are.
      And I thank you for your continued encouragement and insight. x

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    July 14, 2016 at 8:48 pm

    Dear Kimmy, I’m sorry for your great loss. Kay’s story and your voice are making a difference to someone right now. Love flowing to you xx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 16, 2016 at 7:52 am

      Love flowing back to you ‘down under,’ sweet Narelle. xx

  • Reply
    Jeri
    July 15, 2016 at 12:37 pm

    Oh Kim, the way you’ve set this up shows how truly heartbreaking the consequences of so many choices are that we make. There’s such a fine line to walk between having a big heart and waking up to the reality of a situation. The longer you continue to spread word, the more people will continue to be reached.

  • Reply
    Debbie
    July 16, 2016 at 12:55 am

    Hi Kim,
    I’m glad you help spread the message to not blame the victim. I ran into Kay at a local burger place and she shared some of her story with me. I did my best to tell her it is doable to be a single parent. I knew she’d have you and your parents to help her. And I can hear her still from that day bringing up each and everyone of these points. It brings tears. She was so pretty but he had torn her down so badly she felt she was no longer attractive. She told me that she got up every morning at 5am in order to redo her makeup before Mike woke up, because he expected that. I had never met him but I hated him that day. She had been so bubbly and full of life, yet he sucked the life right out of her. I gave her my phone number and I offered to help. It takes different amounts of time for each person to make an attempt to get out. I’m happy to hear about her education. I had felt sure that if she went back to school her school friends could encourage her and help her to rebuild her courage and strength. But the biggest hazard is the time you do try to rebuild and stretch your wings in an attempt to fly away from the invisible cage an abuser builds around you. I was shocked and saddened to read about your sister. Such a loss. Hugs from an old school chum. I’m glad you keep her alive through memorials. Deb Miller

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 16, 2016 at 7:38 am

      ***She told me that she got up every morning at 5am in order to redo her makeup before Mike woke up, because he expected that***

      She told you that?????????

      I didnt'[ know

      Thank you, Deb Miller for your powerful words. x

  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    July 16, 2016 at 5:00 pm

    Kim you are a wonderful sister and a lovely person…your words can help many.
    I have a true story of such a woman who stayed despite being a qualified doctor! Would you like to hear that? My blog has the contact page.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    July 17, 2016 at 4:54 pm

    It’s so frustrating when people question why they stay and I guess it’s human nature to but there are so many reasons why women stay and it’s so complex and individual.

  • Reply
    Little Chickie
    July 17, 2016 at 6:09 pm

    You are her voice, and Kay is happy about this. Remember…, she is the little bird perched on your pen, whispering through your writing.

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    July 17, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    I’m so glad you’re able to be her voice. She lives on through you and that’s great for not only her but also everyone in your family. Not to mention the help your voice is to so many others in a similar situation xx

  • Reply
    Marie
    July 18, 2016 at 7:24 am

    You are saving lives EVRY SINGLE DAY Kim. I remember your words when I feel that a friend or a stranger is being abused.
    Kay is an Angel protecting us.
    Love to you today and forever. xoxoxo

  • Reply
    Sandra Garth
    July 18, 2016 at 12:34 pm

    Kay was a gift to the world just as you are. Thank you for continuing to speak out on her behalf as well as all of the other victims of abuse.

  • Reply
    monicastangledweb
    July 18, 2016 at 11:07 pm

    I know Kay’s story, yet reading this incredible list you’ve compiled is startling and somehow unbelievable. I can only imagine how it makes you feel knowing all these reason and why they shouldn’t have mattered. It is absolutely sickening this “control” that some feel they have to have over others. I hope others in similar situations take note and learn from Kay. Sending you lots of hugs, my friend.

  • Reply
    Charlotte
    July 20, 2016 at 6:27 am

    I have so many chills reading this. And I think for anyone who doesn’t understand the control one person has on another, this illustrates how it starts, where it goes, and how incredibly ugly it can become. My heart breaks for the life she could have had, but I’m so glad that you continue to share her story to save other women from suffering the same fate <3

  • Reply
    Kristi R Campbell
    July 20, 2016 at 5:38 pm

    I love you. You’re doing Big Important Huge things. Kay’s empowered now, through her lovely sister. Also, I don’t think you’ve written (or I missed it) about where her boys are… just curious. Sending them love and peace too.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 20, 2016 at 7:34 pm

      Kristi,
      one is in med school.
      One is a construction worker.
      And one is an FBI agent at the Republican Convention as I write this. He is protecting Pence. xxxxx luv u.
      –They are all in their 20s.

  • Reply
    Gary
    July 21, 2016 at 4:32 pm

    My lovely friend, Kim,

    Your beloved sister embraced the power of love. He abused her love.

    Hugs and hope,

    Gary xx

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    July 24, 2016 at 8:49 am

    YES. NO ONE should suffer like Kay. NO ONE. Every time you write about her, I hold her cross in my hands and quietly whisper to her… You YOU are carrying her light. I feel it always from you.

    Keep shining it, beloved friend. There are Kays everywhere needing you to illuminate their darkness.

  • Reply
    Gary Sidley
    July 28, 2016 at 3:45 am

    I admire how you keep sharing such an important message. Sending you strength and resilience from the UK.

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