Kim's Blogs

A Culture of Excuses


 

~A Culture Of Excuses

( a note:  before you start bitching, I used ‘He,” in this post, but “She” is also relevant)

 

He had a bad childhood.

 

He wasn’t loved enough.

 

He was loved too much.

 

He was given everything.

 

He wasn’t given enough.

 

His father was a drunk.

 

He drank too many beers at the party.

 

His mother abandoned him.

 

His father beat his mother.

 

He was discriminated against.

 

He has DBD ( disruptive behavior disorder)

 

He has ODD ( oppositional defiant disorder )

 

He played too many video games.

 

He watched too many violent movies.

 

He was exhausted from unrealistic expectations.

 

He was on lots of drugs.

 

He was ignored by society.

 

He was enabled.

 

He wasn’t held as a baby.

 

He was coddled.

 

He assumed her “No” was truly a “Yes.”

 

He was simply too far away from home for someone who was born and raised in the Midwest. –Dan Turner

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

These are the excuses we hear time after time, month after month, year after year. A cycle of blame, defenses, justifications that don’t end.

 

And I’m sick and tired of hearing them.

 

It’s not his fault because he wasn’t in control of his own behavior, his own erection, his own mind. When he beat up his partner, he didn’t mean it. That’s how he was brought up. What did you expect? When he murdered his wife, he did it because he wasn’t loved enough in infancy. When he brutally raped that girl, the judge was lenient because he had his entire life ahead of him. After all, he was an all star football player, an Olympic swimmer, a strait ‘A’ student.

 

I don’t f*cking care!

 

When do we say- “E N O U G H ?”

 

When do we scream- “N O   M O R E ?”

 

Not.   One.   More.   Solitary.   Day.

 

When do we begin making individuals take responsibly for their own behavior and sickening actions?

 

Until we do, nothing will change.  Ever.  ( put this on a sticky note on your fridge )

 

I know some of you reading this are hesitating this very moment. Well, what about the alcohol, the mental illness, the dreadful childhood, the rest of the perpetrator’s life?

 

I tell you this– Cleary & Loudly & Without apology:  He is NOT the victim. He is the murderer, the rapist, the abuser.

 

And he gets NO MORE Excuses.

—-Dear, Reader, please give me your thoughts. What can we do to transform this culture of excuses and blame?


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50 Comments

  • Reply
    Tia
    June 11, 2016 at 8:56 am

    Powerful!

  • Reply
    Lisa Gordon
    June 11, 2016 at 9:41 am

    There are no excuses.
    Sending you hugs. xo.

  • Reply
    My Inner Chick
    June 11, 2016 at 10:17 am

    THIS IS A TEST)))

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    June 11, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    I hope this gets through. I keep getting messages which indicate it doesn’t.

    YES. No more fucking excuses.
    World-wide we need to make it clear that excuses don’t change anything.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      June 11, 2016 at 2:59 pm

      No Fucking Excuses! NO MORE.
      Your message got thru loud and clear, dear! xxx

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    June 11, 2016 at 2:28 pm

    I have two things to say:

    1 – my ex was an alcoholic. People would say he only cheated or got stupid with me because he was drunk or he couldn’t help it because his father was this and his mother was that. IF that were true, why did he always apologize the next day? If he couldn’t help it, he wouldn’t need to apologize.

    2 – My pastor says it this way: “You say you can’t help it? You have to hit her because you have this issue? Okay, the next time you become angry, let me put you in the room with some 6’4″ football players and see if you feel like hitting them because of your issues. No? Then you know and you can help it by getting help. Quit making excuses.”

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      June 11, 2016 at 2:59 pm

      Great point, Nan.
      As always, thank you for your input! xxx

  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    June 11, 2016 at 3:59 pm

    I TOTALLY, ABSOLUTELY, CATEGORICALLY agree with you Kim. He is a rapist and must be punished according to the law. Why does a judge need excuses? Isn’t he expected to follow the law?
    Excuses dont absolve him of the heinous crime!
    Thank you Kim, lets join the public outrage and get justice.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      June 14, 2016 at 10:03 am

      Balroop,
      as always, I appreciate your comments! xx

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    June 11, 2016 at 11:18 pm

    Excuse, excuse, and excuse…nothing is his own fault.
    Have a great weekend, Kim!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      June 14, 2016 at 10:04 am

      It’s all too much, isn’t it, Angie?
      Enough is Enough. xx

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    June 11, 2016 at 11:45 pm

    I’m so sick of excuses. That rapist, the one who is the really good swimmer, is appalling. And to think his father defended him and fought for a lighter sentence. What a disgrace. Where’s the justice for the victim? I’m so glad his crime has gone viral – his crime will live on for a lot longer than his sentence xx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      June 14, 2016 at 10:05 am

      –Are there lots of excuses in Australia, too, Charlie? xx

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    June 12, 2016 at 2:22 am

    Dear Kimmy, I believe we are born into a paradigm of blame and fault. While ever that is so, and while ever it remains untransformed, those who are viewed as “those we can victimise and get away with it” will continue to be victimised. What can transform it is love. What love is in the face of abuse is the question for me. Kisses from MLB xx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      June 14, 2016 at 10:05 am

      Love! Love! Love!
      This is the answer, Narelle! xx

  • Reply
    Totally Caroline
    June 12, 2016 at 3:34 am

    Absolutely! Well said Chicky!

  • Reply
    Monica
    June 12, 2016 at 6:48 am

    Reminds me of the teen who got off for vehicular manslaughter because his lawyer said he suffered from Affluenza. Then his mother helped him escape to Mexico. Stop making excuses for these criminals. We have to say, this is unacceptable! No more excuses. You are so right, Kim.

  • Reply
    jann
    June 12, 2016 at 7:38 am

    As always you hit the nail on the head, Kim, with a good strong hammer. So right!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      June 14, 2016 at 10:06 am

      Jann,
      how the heck are you, dear? I’ve missed you. x

  • Reply
    Minnesota Prairie Roots
    June 12, 2016 at 9:47 am

    I agree with you on every single point. I am tired of the EXCUSES. Tired. Mad. Angry. Frustrated. Like you, I want to scream. And we can scream, with our words.

    What can we do to transform this culture? Hold these abusers/criminals accountable. Oh, what a novel idea. Hold them accountable for their actions. No accepting manipulative behavior and excuses and whatever other BS they speak. ACCOUNTABILITY!!! On every single level from judges to probation officers.

    The other key is to educate people. Educate, educate, educate. People still don’t get it. They blame the victim, excuse the attacker. No, no, no. Educating on this issue should be as important as teaching the alphabet.

    Thank you for this powerful piece. I’m with you, sister.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      June 14, 2016 at 10:07 am

      Audrey,
      education is VITAL….but will people listen? xx

  • Reply
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape...
    June 12, 2016 at 10:39 am

    EXACTLY. I fear the system is broken. Why are predators treated as victims and victims as the guilty party? That video was powerful and goes to show, as a victim it’s hard to get the ‘system’ to listen. They are CROOKED. Thanks, Kim for another amazing piece.

  • Reply
    Liz
    June 12, 2016 at 11:27 am

    There will never be an excuse that will convince me the behavior was justified. Who’s kidding whom??? Awful. Such a timely post.

  • Reply
    Zambian Lady
    June 12, 2016 at 2:36 pm

    It is always someone else’s fault, isn’t it? Never my fault.

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    June 12, 2016 at 8:27 pm

    I agree – a thousand times over. Yes. In the case of Brock, he’s not an athlete who made a mistake. He’s a rapist who can swim.

  • Reply
    Mandy
    June 13, 2016 at 12:01 am

    Here, here to NO MORE EXCUSES!
    Victims need to find strength to speak up and know they are loved and will be protected – not an easy ask but one that can save their lives.
    Love and hugs to you darling Kim from a cold Sundays River.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo

  • Reply
    marie k
    June 13, 2016 at 1:22 am

    No excuse is the rule for me. Or we will keep feeling sorry for the rapist, the abuser, the violent guy.
    Things need to change in our values, in what we think is true.
    Awesome post Kim! No hesitation when it comes to violence.

  • Reply
    Jodi
    June 13, 2016 at 4:52 am

    Thanks for this post!

  • Reply
    Debbie
    June 13, 2016 at 8:05 am

    Well said, Kim. I, too, am tired of the excuses. People need to grow up…and grow a spine! I suppose, in a perfect world, we wouldn’t have this sort of madness; however, buying into all the excuses only gives them credibility. How come many of these individuals are known, from a very young age, to be “problematic,” yet no one intervenes…and they spiral deeper out of control (and more innocents face their madness). Keep shouting your message! xx

  • Reply
    Dad
    June 13, 2016 at 10:01 am

    I pray that we get judges that care about the victims. Way to many excuses.
    I love this blog Kim.
    Love You
    Dad

  • Reply
    Lisa Kunkleman
    June 13, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    Well said. Wish you had been the judge.

  • Reply
    Jeri
    June 13, 2016 at 4:54 pm

    People create so many excuses for all kinds of behavior, and it’s a habit that comes with such horrible consequences. And the behaviors that are “excused” are often so transparently pointing at deeper issues. The thought makes my head swim.

  • Reply
    Dana
    June 14, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    I wish I know what we could do. The culture of excuses and blame is so rampant – think about our political candidates. It’s easier to lay blame than to take responsibility. A pathetic argument, yes. But one many (too many) people make.

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    June 14, 2016 at 4:38 pm

    YES YES YES!!!!! I just KNEW you would BRING. IT.

    That video makes me literally sick.

    You know what I think about most? All – I mean the millions of those women- ALL of the women who haven’t even COME FORWARD with their truth. I know they are out there- and I know they feel completely voice-less, hopeless, paralyzed. Because of this- THIS culture of excuses and shame and denial of the very definition of PERPETRATOR.

    I scream for those wounded women- who will never feel resolve, vindication, heard.

    Thank you for being their voice and for constantly shouting for their rights and their worth.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      June 15, 2016 at 6:55 am

      The Voiceless Shall
      have a VOICE))
      And we will give it to them! xxxx

  • Reply
    Gary
    June 14, 2016 at 5:30 pm

    There is never an excuse, a convenient explanation for intolerable behaviour.

    Hugs,

    Gary x

  • Reply
    Kristi R Campbell
    June 14, 2016 at 7:59 pm

    It’s so fucking time to stop making excuses. Have you seen that video about the young college kid who is black who got 15-20 years for the SAME CRIME as stupid he-should-not-be-named??? It’s time to stop. Your words matter. Keep writing and fighting, Kim. I’m with you holding you up and holding your hand.

  • Reply
    Coffee and Crumpets
    June 14, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    Tired of excuses and the double standards. Some thing has to change.
    Well said, Kim.

  • Reply
    Jennifer Wolfe
    June 15, 2016 at 10:05 am

    We teach kindness. We teach respect. We teach how to look beyond what we see, and pay attention to what we cannot see. We teach not to hate, not to belittle, not to kill. We teach love.

  • Reply
    Sandra Garth
    June 15, 2016 at 10:32 am

    “HE” needs to be held accountable for “HIS” actions. If not now when? No more excuses!

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    June 15, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    Hello my beautiful friend !
    People need to be held accountable for their actions!!!!!! The victims need to fight for their rights and not let these assholes get away with this!!!! It makes me sick that people with influence, money, ect think that these issues can be hushed with money and power. Priests !!!! Of all people you think you can trust. Yes educate!! Well all victims unite and stay strong !!
    Love you!!💋 K

  • Reply
    Hilary
    June 16, 2016 at 3:29 am

    so true – no excuses!

  • Reply
    Carrie
    July 4, 2016 at 3:54 pm

    Those of us who can continue to speak out, share, educate, and expose the truth whenever we can. It makes people uncomfortable, too bad. When the police contacted me about my blog and how my writing about my ex was unkind my reply was; “I understand the law protecting someone’s privacy, but what about the law that protects my right to speak out about my experiences, to share my experiences in hopes of saving other women from having to go through what I did.”
    The abuser can play the victim role better than any victim; it’s time the courts understood that and looked at the facts and not the excuses.

  • Reply
    Jennie Goutet
    July 5, 2016 at 12:59 am

    Two people can have nearly identical childhoods. One chooses abuse (or terrorism or self-destruction) and another chooses life and goodness. There are never any excuses. There are only choices, good and bad.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    July 5, 2016 at 4:34 am

    I can’t cope with people that blame everyone else for everything and make excuses. Conversely I admire people who rise about adversity without making excuses for bad behaviour.

    I’m glad to hear you are enjoying OITNB! I’m still mid season 2 of The Americans 🙂 xxx

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