In Memory of Kay Kim's Blogs

After The Fire


 

Kay's House, May 26, 2010. The darkest day of our lives.

Kay’s House, May 26, 2010. The darkest day of our lives.

When I met God again, I resurrected from the fire—Kim Sisto Robinson

 

~On May 26, 2010, I died.

 

Not physically, well, sort of, but I’m talking more mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I’m talking more from the inside out like decay, or something crumbling, or an out of control fire inside one’s brain. I’m talking about experiencing the loss of God.

 

And for me, the loss of God is death.

 

I was mowing the lawn, savoring the scent of green. I was thinking about the roasted chicken with little red potatoes and hoping I’d remember to take them out of the oven when I got back inside the house. I was looking forward to traveling to Minneapolis over the weekend for my husband’s soccer game.

 

Just an ordinary girl with an ordinary life.

 

But everything changed when I received the call.  The darkest, blackest, ugliest call in the world. The call that made me recognize the Devil was real.

 

“Mike killed Kay. She is dead.   Hurry.    Hurry.    Hurry.”

 

At that moment, I died a thousand deaths. I wonder if that’s what Shakespeare meant when he wrote:

 

To die—to sleep, No more; and, by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache of a thousand natural shocks.

 

 

I recall the phone dangling from my right hand. I had on a black tank top, no makeup, jean shorts, and a high pony tail. Why do I remember the stupid stuff? I fell to the tiled floor. I screamed out to a silent God.

 

“Help me. Help me. Help me.  Please.   Please.    Please.”

 

I wasn’t thinking about my sister as much as I was thinking about myself. How could I move forward? Who could ever fill the massive void of her? Who would I talk to, tell my secrets to, go to Barnes & Noble with, spend my birthdays with? Who would love me as much as she did? I am less, less, less. I am gone.

 

The chicken burnt. We never made it to the soccer game. Like I said before, I died.

 

I know what it feels like to go insane. I know what it feels like to drown and not be able to swim to the surface. I had always read Sylvia Plath and now I had become her.

 

I am inhabited by a cry.

Nightly it flaps out

Looking, with its hooks, for something to love.

I am terrified by this dark thing

That sleeps in me;

All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.

 

 

Nothing stays the same.

 

E v e r.

 

In one minute, we’re here. In the next minute, we’re gone. In one minute, our heart beats wildly from our chests, in the next minute, that same heart ceases to exist.

 

Nights are the hardest when your sister dies. Nights are insufferable when you’re homesick, but then realize… you’re already home.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After three years of madness, I met God again on the corner of 65th and Cody. The yellowed grass was already transforming into deep emerald and the sky was the color of Jamaica. The heat was strong that day, melting on skin like something familiar and beautiful—like a friend you meet after a long absence, but it doesn’t matter a damn because you begin laughing and talking and catching up as if it were yesterday.

 

Sort of like that.

 

I remember two hands on my face, warm fingertips gently lifting an organza wedding veil for a kiss. I remember blood beginning to pump through veins. I remember rising, although I was standing still.

 

I was like, “Hey, I’ve missed you so much. Where have you been all this time?”

 

“Kim, I’ve never left you.” A voice whispered. “I’ve always been here.”

 

And I smiled.

 

—–Dear, Readers,  do you feel gratitude every single day?  If not,  how can I help you?  If you do,  has this helped you rise up from the fire?


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96 Comments

  • Reply
    Susan Boswell
    April 2, 2016 at 10:16 am

    Chilling
    Haunting
    Beautiful…
    Thank God you came back Kim! I wasn’t sure you’d make it. You will never forget that day, when time stopped for three years. Sylvia Plaths words are chilling. She knew the depths of despair and yo walk with her there as you did, and to make it back out is nothing short of a miracle! So glad you made it my friend!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 2, 2016 at 11:28 am

      Susan,
      you’ve been w/ me and my mourning from the beginning.
      I shall never forget those fabulous cookies you sent, my darling. xxxxx

  • Reply
    My Inner Chick
    April 2, 2016 at 10:26 am

    **TEST**

  • Reply
    totally Caroline
    April 2, 2016 at 11:19 am

    Hey, where have you been? I missed you!
    This was so beautifully written. I can see it completely in my minds eye, and feel it too.
    I find god is in the little things. He is always there.
    I downloaded this gratitude app on my iphone. In it, i write three things im grateful for every day. Sometimes they are silly things, sometimes they are big things. What’s important is that it trains me to find good things in the worst of days. I totally recommend it for anyone who is struggling to be grateful for something (some days, its not so easy).

  • Reply
    countingducks
    April 2, 2016 at 11:32 am

    I can never read of this without being filled up by the sadness and tragedy of it. My heart always goes out to you and your family x

  • Reply
    Sandra Garth
    April 2, 2016 at 12:25 pm

    It is so good to hear from you again and yes I feel gratitude every single day!

  • Reply
    Trish
    April 2, 2016 at 12:28 pm

    Thinking about you.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 2, 2016 at 8:09 pm

      How sweet of you. Thank you for all of your support and love, Trish. xxx

  • Reply
    Nan Loyd
    April 2, 2016 at 12:29 pm

    Between chills & goosebumps, choking in my throat and tears threatening, phew. This was probably one of your most powerful ones yet. Leland and I try to live full of gratitude but I will be honest, in about 2012, I learned the importance of living it out-loud, boldly and thoroughly when I discovered your blog. I discovered anguish so powerful it touched my soul and I knew, “I must be more in-the-moment with my loved ones” – and I have been.

  • Reply
    Susan Williamson
    April 2, 2016 at 12:52 pm

    Thanks Kim.
    This was beautiful, as always.
    S.

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    April 2, 2016 at 1:23 pm

    As always, heart felt hugs and oceans of caring.
    I am so glad you found your way. So very, very glad.

  • Reply
    Patty Cherro
    April 2, 2016 at 1:31 pm

    I have goosebumps read this . She was such a beautiful woman you both are Kim

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 3, 2016 at 7:13 am

      Patty,
      Kay was much more beautiful and I…Truly, I am less w/ out her! xxx

  • Reply
    Tammi Pekkala Matthews
    April 2, 2016 at 2:48 pm

    Your words make mine seem so inadequate.

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    April 2, 2016 at 2:51 pm

    Kim, you are a miracle. It’s a privilege to read your words, your life. Thank you. I’m grateful you met God again that day. Kisses from MLB xxx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 3, 2016 at 7:15 am

      Narelle,
      you always make me think deeply and smile brightly. xxx

  • Reply
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape...
    April 2, 2016 at 3:49 pm

    Your words transport my spirit from death to re-birth. All yours. Of course, you died a little. You died a lot, in fact. God was always there but it’s so hard to see, feel or hear her.

    I can’t even begin to understand your pain, Kim. I loved this post. I’ve never read anything like it.

    I find gratitude almost everyday. On the days I don’t, I go to bed early and wait for a better tomorrow.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 3, 2016 at 7:16 am

      —–Lisa,
      Every single time I read your posts, I experience your gratitude flowing from your words. xxx love from MN

  • Reply
    debbie
    April 2, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    As I’ve said many times before, your writing always touches me. I can feel every single line in my heart. And it feels good to feel. I am grateful for every single day….although too often I forget how miraculous life really is and how much we have to be thankful for. But I always try to pull back and take in the moment……and be grateful.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 3, 2016 at 7:16 am

      Debbie,
      I like and appreciate your perspective, dear. xxx

  • Reply
    julie gardner
    April 2, 2016 at 4:49 pm

    No words. Just love.

  • Reply
    Tia
    April 2, 2016 at 7:23 pm

    Beautiful

  • Reply
    Little Chickie
    April 2, 2016 at 8:35 pm

    Yes, everyday I’m grateful for something, even if it’s a fat purring cat. Even if I don’t actually ask myself if I’m grateful, I know there is something. If I had to think about it I’d say I’m grateful for stuff that is free like naps, sunshine, and kids smiling faces.

    Little Chickie

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 3, 2016 at 7:20 am

      Chickie,
      yesssss, the little things are actually HUGE things, aren’t they? xx

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    April 3, 2016 at 1:02 am

    So beautifully said, Kim!
    You are my inspiration!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 3, 2016 at 7:21 am

      —Angie,
      thank you for reading my mourning/morning pages… as always, it is appreciated. xxxx much love

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    April 3, 2016 at 2:01 am

    You are an incredible writer Kim. I love the way you express yourself so beautifully and so honestly. Loved this line, “Nights are insufferable when you’re homesick, but then realize… you’re already home.” I could really feel your pain.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 3, 2016 at 7:22 am

      Dear L,
      did you know that you were the first blog I escaped to after my sister’s murder?

      You inspire me! xx

  • Reply
    Mandy
    April 3, 2016 at 5:41 am

    I for one am honoured you came back, so I could get to know you, your heart and soul, all of you!
    Love, love, love to you darling.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo

  • Reply
    samara
    April 3, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    Do you believe in fate, Kim? I do. For some reason, I chose today to make sure I not only read but commented on your post, so you’d know I was here.

    This knocked me out. So freaking hard.
    Thank you for reminding me that yes, I have gratitude every day. I just got back from a writing conference where they really drove it home – live your life, have your passions, follow your dreams! It all goes by so quickly.
    As you already know.

    I adore you, and I’m so glad I read this today. You give me hope. xo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 4, 2016 at 6:24 am

      —–Samara,
      believe me, I know you are there, my darling.
      I am one of your adoring fans!! xxx

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    April 3, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    I just got back in town- still unpacking and *dealing* with the re-entrance… I saw that you had posted and I had to open and read your post before doing anything more because- it’s yours.

    And the tragedy runs fresh through my veins every single time you share it- with different shades and angles, unwrapping more of it each time- your words drench my heart- this time more than ever. The sadness takes over and I always hold my breath- then let out the gasp at the end. But the gasp this time? Was full of relief, hope, light- mixed in with the grief. You have been testifying all along- but this? I remember you telling me about this, and I often wondered if you would write about it here. I’m so so glad you did.

    I’m sharing this (of course). <3

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 4, 2016 at 6:25 am

      —-Chris,
      your words continually spur me forward to tell Kay’s story.
      Thank you for your support, love, encouragement, insight, and being
      fully and utterly “YOU!” xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Caroline Abbott
    April 3, 2016 at 7:15 pm

    Lovely. I love that God felt/feels so personal to you again. No, He never leaves us. Sometimes we are just in so much pain we don’t feel Him. Blessings my friend!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 4, 2016 at 6:26 am

      Caroline,
      in my darkest hours, the prayers that others were lifting up “Saved Me.”

      xxx

  • Reply
    Nikky44
    April 3, 2016 at 7:40 pm

    I love this post Kim. I know exactly what you mean that the loss of God is dying. I am waiting to meet him again. I am SO longing to meet with him again or at least feel connected to him again. I do feel gratitude every single day. I do ask God to come back to my life or help me go to Him.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 4, 2016 at 6:28 am

      Nikki,
      ((((HE IS THERE!))))))
      This is one of the reasons HE had you connect w/ Jodi!!
      Why we met. Why you’ve met so many people who are praying for you.
      Why HE gave you the gift of words to express yourself.
      HE IS THERE!
      Let HIM in!
      Love you. Xxxx

      • Reply
        Nikky44
        April 8, 2016 at 5:16 pm

        I did. He forgave me <3. Thank you.

        • Reply
          My Inner Chick
          April 9, 2016 at 8:27 am

          Forgive?
          What did you do, darling? YOU DID NOTHING to deserve your abuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xx

  • Reply
    Liz
    April 4, 2016 at 3:00 am

    Your writing touches my soul. I’m so glad you feel God enveloping you. xoxo

  • Reply
    valentine logar
    April 4, 2016 at 5:31 am

    I read this and know I am inadequate, incapable of expression. I am in the dark right now, missing God though I keep asking.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 4, 2016 at 6:29 am

      Val,
      HE IS THERE.
      He LOVES you.
      And so do I. xxxxxx

  • Reply
    Gary Sidley
    April 4, 2016 at 6:07 am

    Beautiful words from both you and Sylvia. Take care.

  • Reply
    Jeri
    April 4, 2016 at 10:25 am

    I’ve been told by the new boyfriend how much he appreciates the gratitude I express, and then I do the same to him. He calls it the feedback loop of appreciation. After being through so much, it’s strange but wonderful to be with someone who can appreciate my appreciation and gratitude 🙂 It really does make a difference to take the time to be thankful for the everyday things we often overlook in times of turmoil.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 4, 2016 at 11:46 am

      Isn’t that the truth, Jeri.
      I see your gratitude in every post you write, dear! xx

  • Reply
    Debbie
    April 4, 2016 at 10:59 am

    My dear dear Kim, I’m thrilled God reached out to save you! Your memories of Kay’s death are still so raw…and even though they say Time heals every wound, some wounds are beyond fixing. Now you must live for two, you know — experience ALL the good things so you can share them with her when you two meet again one day!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 4, 2016 at 8:12 pm

      Debbie,
      my memories about Kay will always be raw,
      but I have found peace thru the darkness. xx

  • Reply
    Kristi R Campbell
    April 4, 2016 at 12:15 pm

    Gorgeous amazing important words. So much love. This —-> After three years of madness, I met God again on the corner of 65th and Cody.
    <3

  • Reply
    Minnesota Prairie Roots
    April 4, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    Do you know that song, The Joy of the Lord is My Strength? I hear it often on Twin Cities Christian radio station KTIS. It seems to fit this post perfectly. I crank up the radio every time it plays.

    You are such a witness to hope, to faith, to trusting in God. You are, in summary, a blessing. Every word you pen and speak blesses others. Thank God for working through you to make a difference.

    Hugs and love!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 4, 2016 at 8:14 pm

      Sometimes I feel as if I’m falling apart, falling down a steep mountain…
      then I get back up …
      over and over again.

      Xxx kiss and appreciation, dear.

  • Reply
    Pat
    April 5, 2016 at 9:02 am

    Wow, that was incredibly beautiful. You have a message for the world…

  • Reply
    Dana
    April 5, 2016 at 12:05 pm

    Gratitude every day. And if I forget, I have your haunting and beautiful words to remind me.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 5, 2016 at 1:40 pm

      Dana,
      without gratitude, sort of like GOD, we have nothing. xxx

  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    April 5, 2016 at 12:11 pm

    Dear Kim, as much it pains me to read you posts, there is always so much love in every single word that you write – I am so very grateful to have come across your blog, to count you among my friends, even if we have not had a chance to meet, yet! xoxo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 5, 2016 at 1:41 pm

      awww,
      thank you so much.
      your words warm my heart. xxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    April 5, 2016 at 12:58 pm

    Kim, Thanks for the inspiring words. Sometimes we ask God why, why do things
    happen that hurt us so much. But only God knows the big picture. God
    never leaves us or forsakes us, he told us that in his word.
    I am happy you met him again, so did I Kim.
    Love You
    Dad

  • Reply
    Marie
    April 6, 2016 at 2:52 am

    You can’t image how much glad I am that you found GOD again Kim. I feel your pain and I feel your joy of being alive.
    Love crossing the ocean at light speed to hug you tight Kim.
    xoxo

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    April 6, 2016 at 2:46 pm

    I have had a few awful phone calls in my life that have thrown my world upside down. None as tragic as the call you received that day in May but in a small way I know how a phone call like that makes you feel – you just feel your world spinning out of control and it’s like the ground is ripped out from under you. Hearing devastating news like that shocks you so violently there is always a very long and slow recovery. So good to know you’ve progressed forward on that journey xx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 7, 2016 at 7:20 am

      One is never quite recovered,
      but moves forward regardless.

      xxx kiss

  • Reply
    Monica
    April 7, 2016 at 4:50 am

    Beautifully written. Poignant and bittersweet, too. It is amazing that you can feel gratitude despite this. It is inspiring how you are able to help others despite your pain and because of it too. Sending you lots of hugs!

  • Reply
    Janine Huldie
    April 8, 2016 at 7:24 am

    Absolutely beautiful and I agree just because we can’t see those who have gone before us doesn’t mean there aren’t still here with us spiritually. I have that strong believe and honestly helps deal with those losses if nothing else. Hugs and again, you truly said this perfectly.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 9, 2016 at 7:48 am

      Janine,
      without my belief in God, I’d be nothing.
      Xx thank you for reading my mourning/morning pages.

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    April 8, 2016 at 9:21 am

    Gratitude everyday that I wake up and both feet touch the floor and make their way to my son’s room. Rather, gratitude everyday when I wake up to both of my son’s cold feet pressed up against my back at 4 am in the morning in bed.
    I’m here.
    Your words are like oxygen to me today. Vital. Powerful. Sinking deep.
    Thank you.
    Always.
    xoxoxox

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 9, 2016 at 7:49 am

      You. Are. Here.
      There is no doubt about that, Kimberly…;
      and your VOICE radiates into the universe like fire)) xxx

  • Reply
    leadership skills
    April 9, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    Hi beautifully written post. I once read a quote that says ” gratitude transforms common days into great blessings. Thanks for sharing.

  • Reply
    Kathy
    April 11, 2016 at 12:23 pm

    thank you for coming by my site and leaving a comment so I had a chance to read your spine-chilling, heart-breaking, omnipotent God-loving blog..your writing is eloquent, mood shaping, stunning! How God meets us in our deepest grief is surely a great mystery. Just beautiful!!!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 11, 2016 at 12:48 pm

      When I was ready to meet God again, He was waiting right around the corner.
      Quite honestly, I find him AMAZING. x
      Thank you for reading my mourning, Kathy.

  • Reply
    Sandra
    April 11, 2016 at 6:18 pm

    I’m sitting in my living room while my friend is applying eyelash extensions to my daughter and I’m sitting here weeping. This is magnificent. And I am so glad lifted your veil because in doing so he also lifted mine. It was your words on a comment you left on my blog “God has a plan” that brought me back into his arms. I had been keeping him at arms length for 3 ýears as well. He certainly knew what he was doing when He placed you in my life. Love you.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 16, 2016 at 7:34 am

      Love you, too.
      And I believe in you deeply. xxxx

  • Reply
    Hilary
    April 17, 2016 at 5:11 am

    hugs….
    So beautiful!

  • Reply
    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
    April 17, 2016 at 4:11 pm

    Your writing is stunning. And heartbreaking. My call came in a similar matter—-at night, a worried son telling me to hurry to the hospital because his mother—my sister, wasn’t going to make it. She had pneumonia, for godssake. What do you mean she isn’t going to make it? Give her some antibiotics and a burst of fresh oxygen—she’ll be fine….
    I was holding her hand when she was in a coma…then she went into cardiac arrest. They put the paddles on her chest, pounded on her chest—I watched it all in disbelief. They called the time of death and at that moment my world became a surreal nightmare. My last memory is of laying on the hospital bathroom floor—the cold tiles against my face. I thought I was dead. I heard people knocking at the door (my husband?) and I was too frozen, too numb to move. It has been eight years and I still cannot move past it. Mom just died, and as sad as it was, it is my sister I ache for. I know you understand all of this. My sister was my best friend. Yes, I have another sister, but we don’t have that kind of relationship. I think she might have even been a bit resentful that I was closer to my sister who passed away. It is an odd family dynamic I’m still struggling with. I have lost an infant son and both parents, but it is my sister’s death that still haunts me. It always will.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      April 18, 2016 at 5:30 am

      —Marcia,
      yes,
      I understand all of it. I wish I didn’t.
      You will never move past it and that’s okay.
      I shall honor my sister forever, tell her story forever, love her forever.
      Just as you will for your sister.
      My heart aches for you. Nobody knows that “PAIN” until they
      go thru it themselves. NOBODY.
      Love and warm hugs from MN.
      And I’m so darn sorry about your sweet mother.
      Tell me how you go forward? Your family is WONDERFUL, aren’t they? xxxx

  • Reply
    Gary
    April 26, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    My lovely friend,

    Despite it all, you found, you realised and you live on. There, I keep my comment brief for the resonance of your words is more than enough.

    Hugs and hope and quiet gratitude from the reluctant recluse that is me,

    Gary x

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