In Memory of Kay Kim's Blogs

A Letter To My Dead Sister


My darling sister RISES from the grave every. single.  day.

My darling sister RISES from the grave every. single. day.

 

~Every morning I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks.—Sarah Ockler, Sisters

 

~Dear, Kay,

 

I haven’t written you a letter since you died, but it’s about time I did.   I mean, I have so much to tell you, so much to say. For example, Mike killed you. I suppose you already know that though. I believe he was always going to kill you. From the very beginning of that first encounter when you were 17 years old.

 

There hasn’t been a day I haven’t thought about your face, that beautiful face, that face I’ve familiarized myself with for so many years. Sometimes I awaken in a cold sweat and I can’t reach you. You’re flying through air with your auburn hair floating behind you like a jet stream. I call out your name, but you don’t answer me.   Why don’t you answer me?

 

I got the call at 5:15 PM on May 26, 2010.   That call changed my life, my entire existence. No warning. No warm blankets. No poetry or prayers or memo, just- “Did you hear the news? Mike killed Kay.”   I fell to the ground. I stopped breathing. I shattered into a million sharp pieces. “Mike killed Kay. The police are surrounding the house with yellow tape.”

 

Shut up. Shut up. Shut the hell up. I’m not ready for this shit.

 

I don’t remember driving to the hospital, but I remember seeing dad sitting in the pale green waiting room whispering, “He did it. He finally did it.”   Kay, that is the first time I saw dad cry.

 

He murdered all of us in different ways, didn’t he?

 

I stared at you sprawled out on the stiff, silver table. The room smelled of Chanel perfume and strong antiseptic.  You had mascara on your lashes, a high pony tail, and faded crimson lipstick was smeared on your mouth. You were already gone, already rising. How can that be? I talked to you hours before and now you had no voice, no smile, no life.

 

I need to tell you I didn’t take your death the way a normal person might. I sort of went insane. I sort of went all Sylvia Plath. I sort of drowned inside my own body and blood and tears.  When the doctor said you were brain dead, I screamed and kicked air and cried out somewhere deep inside my insidious core, “No. No. No. Son-of-a-bitch. Mother-fucking-bastard. Nooooo.”

 

Did you hear me, darling? Did you hear my cries in the shadows? I thought I was unbreakable.

 

I’m not.

 

I was told I read e. e. cummings at your funeral, but I don’t recall. I was told I stood at the podium repeating, “My sister. My sister. Oh, god, my sister,” but I don’t recall.

 

Sometimes it’s better to forget.    E v e r y t h i n g.

 

I looked around at the blurred, nondescript, pathetic faces thinking, “What the hell are you all doing here?”

 

I wanted to ask you this: did you know he was going to kill you that afternoon? I called your cell phone a hundred times, but you wouldn’t answer. He must have already shot you by then. Did you feel the hot metal at the back of your head? Did he apologize before he pulled the trigger?

 

Afterwards, I asked Dave, “Did that ghastly man really kill my sister?”

 

He hesitated, then answered, “Yes.”

 

“Then how am I still walking, breathing, living? How is the world still revolving? Please bring me a bottle of wine immediately.”

 

No, I didn’t take it well, my darling sister.  At. All.   And the thing is, I always knew he’d do it. I always knew he’d put you inside a cage, inside his personal abyss.   In the back of my mind, someplace in the darkest corners, I knew he’d follow through with it one day. But what could I do? How could I protect you? Oh, dear god, how could I protect you? Should I have broken all of his stupid, murderous fingers?

 

Every night before I close my eyes,   I pray that I will dream of you, that I can be with you.

 

We could go on one of our long walks on the Waterfront Trail to discuss world events, politics, God, books, and reveal secrets only sisters should know. We could stop at that old picnic table near Karvina’s, pet all the stray cats, and carve our names one more time in the soft wood.

 

Kim & Kay

Sisters Forever and Ever.

 

But he killed you before we had the chance.

 

 

—-Dear, Readers, NEVER stay silent about ANY kinds of abuse. Help is available. You are worthy, valuable, capable, beautiful, precious, and amazing.  You deserve IT ALL.  xx

 

Call The Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

 

Click Here For A Safety  PLAN HERE 


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89 Comments

  • Reply
    Joan Peterson
    February 29, 2016 at 9:43 am

    Dear Kim,

    This is amazing. After what you said yesterday at the Faith Summit, these words just scream out as the way families are affected by gun violence and domestic violence. Thank you for writing this poignant piece.

  • Reply
    My Inner Chick
    February 29, 2016 at 10:26 am

    ***TEST***

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 29, 2016 at 10:50 am

      Thank you, sweet Joan. You are my hero. xxx

  • Reply
    Susan Boswell
    February 29, 2016 at 10:27 am

    Your words are testimony to the fact that no one should allow them selves to be abused by anyone… But it’s so complex when it is someone else and not yourself that suffers the abuse. I know you as such a strong person Kim, and yes losing Kay totally changed you… I have so much respect for your journey. Kay will never be forgotten but Mike is history.
    I think he always was and couldn’t stand Kay’s strength, resolve and love. She was too bright a light for him… Too bad she didn’t see that earlier. You are the best sister.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 29, 2016 at 11:14 am

      Susan,
      as always, thank you for yours lovely words and encouragement. xxx

  • Reply
    Helene Abbott
    February 29, 2016 at 11:09 am

    Kim,
    What a beautiful letter, but one that should never have had to be written. I think of you and your family so often and the hell you have and are still going thru. Time is the only thing that keeps a person going but it never heals. You have done the best you can thru thick and thin and Kay is always watching over her sis. I didn’t know Mike, and I am glad I didn’t..there aren’t words. Keep on doin’ what you do, you are a true inspiration and one heck of a talented writer…..Buena fortuna, always!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      February 29, 2016 at 10:34 pm

      Thank You for reading, Helene! xx
      It is so much appreciated.

  • Reply
    Minnesota Prairie Roots
    February 29, 2016 at 11:51 am

    “In the back of my mind, someplace in the darkest corners, I knew he’d follow through with it one day. But what could I do? How could I protect you? Oh, dear god, how could I protect you?”

    Those are the questions that haunt.

    You are doing what you can now to honor Kay’s memory and to educate others through your heart-wrenching grief and your extraordinary triumph. Keep on keeping on, doing what you’re doing. Writing with words that move many of us to tears.

    I’d love to see you write here about your Faith Summit talk. Or can I find your talk elsewhere online?

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 1, 2016 at 5:54 am

      Audrey,
      we will talk very soon. The summit was very informative. I learned a Lot!! xxx

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    February 29, 2016 at 12:35 pm

    So touching.

  • Reply
    julie gardner
    February 29, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    Kim. There are no words.
    Just love.
    I love you.

  • Reply
    Sandra
    February 29, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    It breaks my heart that you had to write this letter and the first one.

  • Reply
    Caroline Abbott
    February 29, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    Brought tears to my eyes. You obviously love your sister very much. The wound is still so fresh. A death like that just makes no sense, and is so hard to reconcile. So sorry my friend.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 2, 2016 at 1:38 pm

      I shall always love her until we meet again,
      which we WILL. xx

  • Reply
    Carrie Rubin
    February 29, 2016 at 1:35 pm

    How heartbreaking to read about your sister’s murder, but how necessary that you write about it. When it comes to domestic violence, it’s so important to make sure the word gets out and stays out. Good on you.

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    February 29, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    Tears. Hugs.
    Oceans of caring.
    Now and always.

  • Reply
    Trish
    February 29, 2016 at 2:20 pm

    Thinking of you.

  • Reply
    debbie
    February 29, 2016 at 2:49 pm

    A heartfelt letter…..so deep. So sad…..

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    February 29, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    Kay’s cross fell off my computer screen, probably after my husband was messing with adjusting the new computer that recently came in. Just this morning, I picked it up off the desk and kissed it and told Kay I love her. Just this morning, I once again felt the weight of your grief, and I mourned for you and for precious beautiful Kay.

    Your words always strike my heart hard. I cry with you, and I want so badly to be near you- and to have the power to go back in time and change it all. Oh, how I do.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 2, 2016 at 1:40 pm

      Chris,
      Kay would have LOVED you!! xx I mean, she does.

  • Reply
    Pam Hogeweide
    February 29, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    KIM….. you are her voice now.

    But this letter, this is Your voice.

    thank you for letting us be a witness to the remarkable bond you have with kay, so remarkable not even f*cking death can break it.

    ((hug))

    (((hug)))

    ((((hug))))

  • Reply
    Nikky44
    February 29, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    That is so unfair! So unfair to Kay and to all of you. Kay was loved. She had you. She had her Dad and you all loved her and are missing her crazy. It’s not fair. She wasn’t alone. I know it is never OK. I know abuse is wrong and murder is so wrong but I somehow thought if one is loved, if one is good and not alone, this wouldn’t happen? That it only happens to those who deserve it or those no one care about?

    • Reply
      Jodi Aman
      March 1, 2016 at 5:29 am

      Nikki,
      People aren’t abused because they deserve it. Never. Ever. As long as you think that you will feel alone and unloved. That belief will destroy your mind, body and soul.

      Life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. Love is not a protector in the world of form, it is a connector in the whole universe. It is beyond life and death.

      Abuse happens because something is wrong with the ABUSER. They are VERY messed up. The victim/survivor has done nothing wrong, despite what the abuser tells them. He tells lies for power.

      Love,
      Jodi

      • Reply
        Nikky44
        March 1, 2016 at 9:25 am

        You are right Jodi. I’m very sorry I wrote that but once you click on it there is no way I can go and delete it. It is very hard for me to blame others whatever they do. Having no one or nothing to blame is scary because it makes you feel unsafe and a possible target at any time. So the easiest thing is to blame myself even if deep down I know it is not true. Blaming myself is easy, convincing myself that it’s because no one else loved me that I accepted the minimum or the lie of his love is easy, but watching the same thing happen to someone else makes me angry because I can allow myself to put the blame on me but I cannot accept it on someone else who is living my situation? does that make sense? when I realize/think of myself as innocent I feel angry and anger scares me. Thinking of Kay makes me so angry because she is SO innocent and I can do nothing to change what happened and then I think why did I escape and she didn’t, it’s not fair? I shouldn’t be alive or she should still be alive. Victims and survivors are never guilty. I know that. It is just less confusing to think I am but so sad when I am faced with the truth of being innocent like when I read and think about Kay. Love you. Love you too Kim. Love you Kay

      • Reply
        My Inner Chick
        March 2, 2016 at 1:41 pm

        Nikki,
        NEVER EVER EVER EVER did you deserve what that
        bastard gave you.

        You deserve EVERYTHING beautiful…because that’s what you are, my dearest girl.

        Luv you. xxxx

  • Reply
    Jeri
    February 29, 2016 at 4:39 pm

    Writing may be a catharsis of sorts, but such a loss is so difficult to process. You face it with bravery and strength in so many ways.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 2, 2016 at 2:29 pm

      Jeri,
      writing and words have def. saved my life! x

  • Reply
    Nan
    February 29, 2016 at 4:41 pm

    I know you have heard this before but you truly do keep Kay alive and have introduced her to so many people who never knew her when she lived here. I know when I get to heaven I will recognize her immediately even though she will not know who I am. I know you would rather she live here because you miss her. You even make us miss her, those of us who didn’t know her before. I love this letter that is long overdue. I hope you write many more to her, even if it is just in private. I am glad you did not give into despair so that we couldn’t have met you, too. I’m so glad you are here.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 2, 2016 at 2:30 pm

      Nan,
      yes, we will all be together in heaven one day.
      That is our REAL Home, darling. xxxx

  • Reply
    Little Chickie
    February 29, 2016 at 8:29 pm

    Our emotions cause us to ask so many questions. If our persona were weighed with our emotions instead of physical weight, the numbers on the scale would go up and down over and over.

    So what do you think it will be like once we go to that better place?

    We know in our heart, mind, and soul that it exists, but we will not feel that ever happy feeling until we’re actually there. Will the questions we ask in this life be answered in our next life? Or, will the peace and joy take precedence over us so that it does not matter? I don’t know.

    Such a lovely and sad letter dear Kim.

    Remember, our Abba-Father-Daddy has your tears in a bottle.

    Blessings,

    Little Chickie

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 2, 2016 at 2:30 pm

      Little Chickie,
      That place will be amazing.
      I shall meet Kay there one day soon! xxx

  • Reply
    Kim
    February 29, 2016 at 9:23 pm

    My life long friend! I think of our fun childhood memories and so many more. I pray to Kay every night. I love you forever and always!

  • Reply
    Monica
    February 29, 2016 at 9:36 pm

    Oh Kim, how courageous you are to put your emotions out there, still raw and agonizing. To lose your sister as you did yours is incomprehensible. But the work you’re doing to help others is heroic. My heart goes out to you and your family. Such violence must be stopped.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 2, 2016 at 9:16 pm

      Monica,
      I shall always be raw when it comes to my sweet sister. xx

  • Reply
    Charlene Ross
    February 29, 2016 at 10:41 pm

    “He murdered all of us in different ways, didn’t he?”

    Your beautiful words are haunting Kim. Sending you so much love today and always.

    xoxoxo

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    February 29, 2016 at 10:54 pm

    o Kim, you again brought tears to my eyes….(((HUG)))

  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    March 1, 2016 at 12:49 am

    So poignant! Heartbreaking! you are such a loving sister Kim. Stay blessed. I love you.

  • Reply
    marie
    March 1, 2016 at 6:45 am

    I am short of words Kim.
    Hugs, love and prayers to you and your loved ones.
    Much love my friend.
    Kay lives forever in your heart and mine. And so many others…
    XOXO

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2016 at 5:23 am

      Marie,
      thank you for all of you cards and support!! xxx

  • Reply
    Totally Caroline
    March 1, 2016 at 10:15 am

    It almost hurts to read this. It is beautiful, but deeply sad and personal. It is so brave of you the way you put your innermost feelings out there and keep your sisters memory alive. ❤️

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2016 at 5:24 am

      Caroline,
      as long as I’m breathing, my sister will be breathing! xx

  • Reply
    Lisa Gordon
    March 1, 2016 at 10:29 am

    The words are just not coming to me, Kim.
    For all you and your family have been through, because of this senseless and cowardly act, I am so sorry. xo.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2016 at 5:24 am

      Lisa,
      thank you for reading my mourning. xx hope you are well.

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    March 1, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    Those words that were said to you. Brutal, horrid. Words no-one should ever hear. Love to you and your beautiful family, Kimmy xx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2016 at 5:25 am

      Narelle,
      sending love & appreciation to Australia. xx

  • Reply
    Jann
    March 1, 2016 at 7:25 pm

    Your words go deep into my heart, Kim. It’s amazing how much you’ve made me love your sister (and of course you). xxxxx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2016 at 5:26 am

      jann,
      you would have loved her.
      She made me better! xx I miss you.

  • Reply
    valentine logar
    March 1, 2016 at 8:03 pm

    I spoke at Victims Impact last night, one of the things I always say, always talk about is the circle of victims created through violence. We are all touched, decimated by violence. We are all defined by the violence.

    This was beautiful. I weep with you. <3

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2016 at 5:26 am

      Val,
      I love how you utilize your strong VOICE for change!! xxxxx kisssssssss

  • Reply
    Kristi R Campbell
    March 1, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    You. You are doing this. Somebody just drove to her sister’s house, tonight, because she knew and you gave her the courage and the knowing to know that she knows.

  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    March 2, 2016 at 1:12 am

    Dear Kim – your post is leaving me so sad and yet so hopeful…thank you for sharing and thank you, again, for all that you do!
    The biggest of hugs from far away!
    Andrea

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2016 at 5:27 am

      Andrea,
      I’m glad you observed “HOPE,” as well. xxx

  • Reply
    Sandra
    March 2, 2016 at 1:36 am

    Every time I reread the details of her death a sick sense of morbidity comes over me because I just can’t wrap my mind around the scene of the crime and how terrified you sulfate must have been. I’m always so sorry for your loss.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2016 at 5:28 am

      Sandra,
      I will always be sorry for our loss, as well.
      Always…
      because my universe was better w/ Kay inside of it.

      xxx

  • Reply
    Debbie
    March 2, 2016 at 8:41 am

    Beautiful letter, darling Kim, and I know Kay has read it and is smiling. You’re very brave — an inspiration, you know — and I’m certain you’ve helped more people than you’ll ever realize. God bless you real good! xxx

  • Reply
    Gary
    March 2, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    My remarkable friend, a letter of purity from your tender heart. We must never be silent.

    Hugs, your friend, Gary XX

  • Reply
    Hilary
    March 3, 2016 at 4:35 am

    Kim – what a beautiful letter. I wish I could reach into my computer and give you a giant hug

  • Reply
    Michelle Terry
    March 3, 2016 at 7:50 am

    Dear Kim,
    Your love, passion, and inner fight completely inspire and amaze me.
    I have no idea how a person recovers from this.
    I so wish I could take away the pain, the memories and bring your sister back.
    But, like your sister…I see you rising. Helping others and being an inspiration and a fighter for those can’t fight for themselves.
    You rock, sister!
    Michelle

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 4, 2016 at 9:03 am

      Michelle,
      I shall never recover fully,
      but I shall continue living… xxx

  • Reply
    Dana
    March 3, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    There is no normal way to handle the death of a loved one at the hands of her abuser. You did what you needed to do, and you continue to do that by talking about domestic violence. Keep talking, Kim. xoxo

  • Reply
    A Letter To My Dead Sister - RAWrWords
    March 3, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    […] This was originally posted at My Inner Chick. […]

  • Reply
    Mandy
    March 3, 2016 at 11:59 pm

    My heart physically ached reading every single word of this, your letter to your dearest sister Kay. I will carry you all in my heart today, so you may all feel comfort.
    Love, love, love to you dear Kim.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
    PS. I hope Kay’s heart I mailed arrives soon so I can know a little piece of my heart has reached you.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 4, 2016 at 9:05 am

      Can’t wait to receive a piece of your heart, darling Mandy! <3 xxx

  • Reply
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape...
    March 5, 2016 at 11:09 am

    This is so powerful as your writing always is. But somehow I feel Kay listening in on this one. It’s only in hindsight that we see the signs. We think that this ‘isolated event’ or ‘verbal lashing’ is just one thing and ‘he didn’t mean it’. That’s a lie. And we have to always consider the big picture. Your message is loud and clear, Kim.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 6, 2016 at 8:13 pm

      As always, darling,
      thank you for your support and encouraging words. xx

  • Reply
    Alexandra Rosas
    March 6, 2016 at 12:42 pm

    She hears you.

    And we are here to witness her life. And your eternal presence here to speak for her.

    That’s the most important job, yes we love and remember and memorialize BUT to remain here to be a voice for them — that is our duty.

    I am so sorry, Kim. I can’t imagine.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 6, 2016 at 8:14 pm

      Yes,
      our duty. I so much agree w/ that statement, Alexandra! x

  • Reply
    Donna Janke
    March 12, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    This is a very poignant, heat-breaking and well-written letter and one, as others have said, I wish never needed to be written. I hope the writing helps you deal with and the message about abuse reaches people.

  • Reply
    self improvement
    March 13, 2016 at 6:54 pm

    Hi, beautifully written, it crushes my heart while reading your post, i can feel your heart, you love your sister so much, it is very touching. Yes, NEVER stay silent about any abuse, no one is alone, people are willing to help. Thanks so much for sharing.

  • Reply
    Anna @ shenANNAgans
    March 30, 2016 at 8:54 pm

    It makes me SO. DAMN. ANGRY that you even had to write this letter.
    But please know you and yours are always in my prayers, much love across the ocean to you. Hugs too. xox

  • Reply
    Sydney Bosque
    May 2, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    You contacted me on my site about a month ago, and I just now saw it! I would love to share this and other pieces you have on here. I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you. You’re an inspiration by sharing with others.

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