In Memory of Kay Kim's Blogs

Why Would My Daddy Want Me To Go Back To My Abuser?


 

NO MORE!!!!

NO MORE!!!!

***Here is my friend,  Nikki’s,  letter to her daddy in Lebanon as told by the beautiful, Jodi Aman.  I love both of you so much.  Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of this platform for love, encouragement, transformation, unity, & support.***

 

 

Dear, Daddy,

I know you see how hard I’m struggling to support myself and my three children. I’m working full-time despite my crippling pain. I know you see I need help, but not the kind of help you suggest.

How could you tell me that it is your “wish” and your “dream” that I go back to my abuser?  HOW?  Why?

How could you belittle the hundreds of punches, kicks, pulled hair, back-hands, and being bashed over the head as “a mistake.” How could you assume two decades of daily physical, mental, and sexual violence is “not that bad?”

What about the, “You’re stupids,” “You’re fats,” “You’re so ugly, nobody else will ever love yous,” “You f-ed up, agains,” and the, “It’s all your faults,?” What about the, “the  “dirty whores?”

Worse, how could you think it was simply “an error” that he made things up that I did wrong, and then, put me in the hospital after punishing me for them in front of my children.  In FRONT of my Children.

Incomprehensible.   Indescribable.  Unacceptable.

How can you say that he “learned his lesson” when he has not stopped harassing me, you, my sisters, my friend’s, or my children for one day since I left him three years ago.

And when I was with him, how could you not come over and stop him? How could you have let me stay there so long in the first place? You saw the injuries. How could you have turned a blind eye to the “You are nothings,” “You are unlovables,” and “nobody cares?”

You are my daddy.  You say you love me, and I believe you do. So,  how can you ask me to go back?

You are scared for me to be alone.  Your heart breaks to see me struggle. But I need you to be amazed by how good I am doing despite my challenges.

I need you to tell me that I am brave and strong. I need you to hold me and tell me that it will be OK, that you are here if I want to talk and let it all out.

I need to let it all out.  I Need To Let It All Out.

I need you to believe in me.

I want you to say how proud you are that I left him and that I must never go back to somebody who hurts me.

You may not even know this, but you are scared of him, too.

How can my own daddy want me to go get more abuse? Allow him to kill me? Because he would eventually.  Yes, he would.

How can you continue to defend him and allow him to use you as one of his tools to get to me?

Daddy, you wanting me “to go back” makes me feel absolutely invisible. I wish I could fade away.  I wish I could leave my own mind and the past.

I’m in so much pain, I can barely stand up. My cumulative abuse injuries have created pain I’d almost rather die than endure each day….

But, I go on.

For my kids. For you.  For the future of what may be.

How could you act as if convincing me to go back would be your redemption? I want to please you. I want to say yes for you, but I really wish you could say NO for me.   Scream for me. Love me. Believe in my power to move forward.

Daddy, I need you.

But HOW could you want me to go back to my abuser?

WATCH this Video of Nikki’s Story Created By Jodi Aman:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNi7vpoqF28

 

——-Please leave Nikki comments of love, support, prayers, encouragement, and hope in the comment section of this post.  We Love You,  Nikki!—– 

 

***Nikki’s Story***  It took decades of dreaming and eight months of purposeful and brilliant planning  (with the amazing help & support of Jodi Aman)  to get Nikki and her children out of their native Lebanon to escape the emotional, physical and sexual abuse she endured by her husband.

Despite several trips to the hospital and loads of family, there was no help for Nikki in Lebanon since abuse by a man to a woman is completely legal.

Despite being disabled ( from her abuse ) Nikki commutes one and a half hours on public transportation to and from work as a underpaid secretary (though she has 2 Masters degrees and a genius intellect)

Even though she is thousands of miles away from her abuser,  he still harasses and threatens her family, co-workers,  and friends every single day.

I love Jodi!

I love Jodi!

***Jodi Aman’s Story***:  From the garden she started when she was 8 years old to the baby ducks she found a home when she was 10, Jodi has always been passionate about nurturing life. With sharp empathy into the complexities of people’s pain–since she has recovered from her own family chaos and panic attacks–and a keen understanding of how and why people get stuck there, Jodi has decided to dedicate her life to helping people feel less lonely and afraid. Find meditations, retreats, and online recovery programs at http://jodiaman.com. Check out her videos at http://youtube,com/jodiaman. Get inspired on Twitter @JodiAman. Or feel loved on Facebook: http://facebook.com/jodiamanlove.


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62 Comments

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    January 17, 2016 at 11:43 am

    Nikki,

    I Love you all the way from Duluth. xxx

  • Reply
    Jodi
    January 17, 2016 at 12:38 pm

    Nikky is the bravest woman I know. She did everything to get to where she is now. But it is so much work. She’s still be harrassed and needs our support! You are amazing Nikky! You are lovable and kind and purely good. You are innocent and worthy and sooooo smart! I love you to pieces!
    xoxoxo
    Jodi

  • Reply
    Help for Domestic Violence Survivors: We see you! - Jodi Aman
    January 17, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    […] it over at http://myinnerchick.com, too! (I love you , […]

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    January 17, 2016 at 12:43 pm

    LOVE You!

  • Reply
    Anna @ shenANNAgans
    January 17, 2016 at 1:21 pm

    You are amazing Nikky! Thank you for choosing you & your babies and getting out. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and all the love, strength and pure ‘she-power’ I can muster is coming your way.

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    January 17, 2016 at 1:23 pm

    Nikki,
    You are strong. You are powerful. You did the right thing.
    Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.

  • Reply
    Marie Kléber
    January 17, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    Nikky, You did the good thing, the best thing for you and your kids. You are strong. You are amazing. You are loved. You are beautiful. Sending you conforting hugs from Paris.

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    January 17, 2016 at 2:34 pm

    Nikki, how great to see you. You’re taking a massive step here out of pain and shame. Well done! Keep on stepping. We’re with you xxx

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    January 17, 2016 at 2:36 pm

    Jodi, you’re the best xxx

    • Reply
      Jodi
      January 17, 2016 at 5:40 pm

      Thanks Nacelle! I miss you!
      xoxo

      • Reply
        Jodi
        January 17, 2016 at 5:40 pm

        Narelle (sorry Autocorrect!)

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      January 17, 2016 at 6:12 pm

      yes, she is! <3

  • Reply
    Tina Fariss Barbour
    January 17, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    Dear Nikky, You amaze me and inspire me. I first met you online when you were still with your husband, and I cheered when you and your children left him. I continue to cheer for you and am so proud of how you have created a new life for you and your children. I know it’s hard, but please know that we will continue to cheer for you and support you and love you.

  • Reply
    Amy@Souldipper
    January 17, 2016 at 5:36 pm

    Dear Nikki,

    Thank you for your determination to remove your children and you from such horror. It’s not easy to remember you are the loving, decent, good human being you always were while being verbally, emotionally and physically being abused. I’m so sorry this creature’s abuse created a disability that renders you full of pain – in your body, heart and soul.

    May you read every comment from us and know that we believe in YOU. Look what you have done already! Keep looking forward and trusting the Universal All has you securely embraced. See yourself as whole – that’s how God, Allah, the Creator sees you. We are healed, not by our wounds, but by our wholeness.

    Women the world over know your heart. We understand your soul’s longing. We share it all with you – we are no different. Those of us who have also known this ugliness called abuse are cheering you on.

    I SEE YOU and HEAR YOU, NIKKI! I send all the loving energy the angels can carry. Wrap it around you and wear it with a most wondrous accessory – the quiet dignity and grace you managed to salvage and keep as your own.

    Thank you for being a promise for so many.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      January 18, 2016 at 9:12 am

      *****I SEE YOU. I HEAR YOU.*****

      I love that, Amy.

  • Reply
    meditatingmummy
    January 17, 2016 at 5:45 pm

    Dear Nikki,
    What an amazing woman and mother you are. You are brave and powerful. I send you light and healing energy so you move forward with all our love.

  • Reply
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape...
    January 17, 2016 at 8:26 pm

    Nikki, I admire you soooooo very much!! I can’t even put it into words, my admiration for you. Stay strong. I think of you often since I met you at Jodi’s blog. Our daddy doesn’t always do or want what is best for us, but what is only best for him. Is he any different than your abuser? I’m sorry he cannot be relied upon and yet you need him so much.

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    January 17, 2016 at 10:37 pm

    WOW. I cannot even imagine the strength it takes to raise three kids and go to work with all your pain and struggles alone- all the while battling the crippling haunting history of such abuse. YOU are a SURVIVOR if I ever did see one, Nikki!!

    Your courage is incredible. Your ability to KEEP ON GOING is amazing. YOU are an inspiration to us all…

    I must confess, I don’t like your daddy very much. I pray you can find beloved friends that can fill that whole in your heart- there ARE people who WILL understand what love is. And I will be praying that God surround you with them.

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    January 17, 2016 at 10:40 pm

    *Hole* not *Whole* Geesh… Was too emotional writing that one! Excuse me while I go get a tissue.

    Just an amazing story… Just wow. Nikki you are your children’s HEROINE. Don’t ever ever forget how important you are.

  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    January 17, 2016 at 11:25 pm

    You are so lucky Nikki that there is an amazing friend and healer like Jodi who could help you. You are very brave to have written to your father, I hope he would help and support you. My prayers are with you and your children. May God bless you with good health and healing. Your children need you. Hug them and you will feel better. I know the scars of emotional abuse take a long time to fade but you have that strength within you. Please rely on that and move ahead. We love you!

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    January 17, 2016 at 11:31 pm

    What a strong woman and here is power to you!

  • Reply
    valentine logar
    January 18, 2016 at 4:35 am

    Dear Nikki, you are brave and blessed. It may not feel so today, but tomorrow will come and you will find your freedom to be full of wonder. Your strength will fill you and your children with new opportunities. I am sorry, so terribly sorry for all you have endured to now. I am sorry for the lack of support from those who should have protected you; they don’t know, they don’t understand.

    Please know, there are many of us out here who do know and will lift you up.

  • Reply
    Caroline Abbott
    January 18, 2016 at 8:22 am

    Dear Kim, Nikky and Jody,

    Thanks for bringing This story to the public. I have been a friend of Nikky’s for several years and know how brave she is. I also can’t imagine why her father would want her back with her abusive husband. It boggles the mind. Just keep pressing forward my friend! Blessings to you! Caroline

  • Reply
    Angie
    January 18, 2016 at 9:10 am

    I know you are tired. It’s hard not to have the support of your family. Please keep going for yourself. Set that example for you children, if for no other reason. I hope one day you can see that it is for you, as well. You deserve to be free, happy, safe and well. We all do. Show everyone by being that for yourself. Let your kids, your parents and all around you see the light that is inside you. It’s there! It really is! Sending my love.

  • Reply
    Gary Sidley
    January 18, 2016 at 9:33 am

    Wishing you strength and resilience. Keep going, girl – you can do it! From a gentle bloke in the UK.

  • Reply
    Dad
    January 18, 2016 at 11:49 am

    Dear Nikki, I am so happy that you got the courage and strength to get away from
    that man. I know how hard it must have been especially with children.
    I guess I just can’t figure your dad wanting you to go back to a man who
    is a total abuser, but you did, and you sure did the right thing. I wish
    that I could hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok.
    Remember, that you have many people that love you, and I think that
    everything is going ho well with you.
    I will be praying for you and your children.

    With Love
    Kim Robinson’s Dad

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      January 18, 2016 at 5:58 pm

      I love you, daddy.

    • Reply
      Nikky44
      January 18, 2016 at 6:12 pm

      Thank you, thank you so much <3

  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    January 18, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    What an amazing story of courage and friendship and love and so much more…a true inspiration to all of us!
    Jodi and Nikki and Kim: thank you all for sharing and for being there! I am in awe of all you accomplish!
    Hugs and many thoughts…
    Andrea

  • Reply
    Sandra
    January 18, 2016 at 5:19 pm

    Stay strong Nikki. You are so much stronger than you think. You and your beautiful children deserve the best that life has to offer.

  • Reply
    Monica
    January 18, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    This is heartbreaking. Nikki, you deserve so much better. I hope you find a way out and are able to cut off all connection with him. I wish you all the best. Sending you positive thoughts!

  • Reply
    Jeri
    January 18, 2016 at 10:23 pm

    Nikki, thank you for sharing. Your writing is one way to make yourself feel less invisible. Writing is a way for many of us come into our own existence. It may not mean your father changes his tune, but what matters most if how the writing helps you make better a path for yourself and children.

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    January 18, 2016 at 11:08 pm

    What a heart-breaking story. You are beautiful and worth so much more.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    January 19, 2016 at 2:39 am

    This was heartbreaking to read Kim! Thank you Nikki, Jodi and Kim for this and I wish you nothing but happiness. It’s such a complex issue isn’t it? xxx

  • Reply
    hilary
    January 19, 2016 at 5:08 am

    Nikki – you are amazing, strong and an inspiration!

  • Reply
    countingducks
    January 19, 2016 at 5:23 am

    When I read of your sister, and these women and others I have come across on other blogging sites I am always left with a gripping sadness and a sense of “What If’s” In every case there was a chance to escape which wasn’t taken or advice which wasn’t headed in time. I understand why, buts its heart breaking non the less. I will never understand a man who hits a women. I thought it was genetically impossible for a man to do when I was young, but I’ve the truth now and it has not made me happier. As always I love your heart and the work you do to help us all remember the threat to our loved ones which can lurk behind the most winning smile

  • Reply
    She is this kind of woman – Mahshi and Marshmallow
    January 19, 2016 at 9:34 am

    […] Today […]

  • Reply
    Debbie
    January 19, 2016 at 9:40 am

    There must be a special corner in Hell for somebody who abuses another — regardless whether it’s physical, mental, or emotional. Jodi and Kim, thank you for bringing us Nikki’s story. And Nikki, dear, stay strong! You did the right thing…for yourself and your kids…and, while you might not get the support you need from your dad, know that you’re getting LOTS of support, encouragement, and prayers from folks you don’t know! Hang in there and never give up! Your kids are watching and admiring the strong woman they call mama!

  • Reply
    Pat
    January 19, 2016 at 2:47 pm

    Wow, Nikki, what an incredibly strong, brave woman you are! I believe by leaving your abuser you also broke the cycle of abuse for further generations and your children can be very, very proud of their mother. You have given them an incredible legacy. Leaving an abuser is NEVER easy but to do so in the culture of Lebanon is downright amazing. My thoughts and prayers are with you, along with many other women. And thank you too Jodi. You both are an inspiration.

  • Reply
    Little Chickie
    January 19, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    Dear Nikki,

    You did what was right. You listened to a voice that carried logic. Perhaps it was your inner voice, perhaps it came from God.

    You say you have children. They got hurt too by witnessing the abuse. And often what happens in this sort of situation is that a young boy who grows up with this becomes a monster too, or a girl finds her way to an abusive man.

    If your daddy never accepts your decision, know that your Father above will give you strength, and would never want to see you endure that sort of treatment. You’re a daughter of God.

    May you feel Abba’s loving arms around you daily, as you continue on your journey to healing.

    Blessings,

    Little Chickie from Kelliher, MN

  • Reply
    Liz
    January 20, 2016 at 3:14 am

    Nikki,
    You are brave. You are strong. You are beautiful.

  • Reply
    Dawn
    January 20, 2016 at 5:00 am

    Nikki,

    It must be hard. Actually harder than hard but I can’t imagine a word that is really descriptive. Stay strong. Your children and YOU deserve much more. Thank goodness for people like Kim and Jodi who are fighting the fight with you. You have a world of support. I know that doesn’t make it all better. But it makes it some better. Hugs.

  • Reply
    sherill
    January 20, 2016 at 4:59 pm

    Hi, I admire your courage Nikki, you are a very strong woman, it’s a good thing you left him, you deserve more than that. You are beautiful and intelligent, a good mother, always remember that.

  • Reply
    Mandy
    January 21, 2016 at 2:42 am

    Nikki, what you have endured is beyond comprehension! You are incredibly strong and unbreakable!
    You are loved and you are now safe.
    You are important and you are a survivor.
    I admire your resilience and bravery.
    Love, love, love to you and your children from a sunny South Africa.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo

  • Reply
    ms crankypants
    January 21, 2016 at 11:00 am

    Oh, my. What a harrowing story. And how inspiring to have found the strength and courage to leave.
    xoxo

  • Reply
    Nadine Feldman
    January 21, 2016 at 7:57 pm

    I really wish your father was more supportive…but good for you to stay strong and powerful. You are changing not just your life, but the lives of your children and every woman out there who may not think she has the strength to leave. You go, girl!

  • Reply
    Jennie Goutet
    January 22, 2016 at 9:13 am

    You are brave. You are powerful. I’m so proud of you for leaving, both for your sake and for your kids.

    If you are a believer – if not, please disregard – this scripture is what helps me (even though it’s not mother in this case, but father). Hugs!

    “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
    and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
    Though she may forget,
    I will not forget you!
    See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
    your walls are ever before me. (Isaiah 49:15-16)

  • Reply
    Minnesota Prairie Roots
    January 22, 2016 at 11:53 am

    Nikki,

    You are STRONG. You are overcoming. I believe in you. We believe in you. You are your own woman. Not his. No one’s. You are yours.

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    January 23, 2016 at 12:07 am

    What a tragic story. I’m so sorry to read this. I’m so glad she managed to get away and begin a new life. I do hope life improves for her – greatly. Her father is vile – I don’t care about your culture or your religion; there’s no excuses for believing the right thing for his daughter to do is to stay with her abuser xx

  • Reply
    Ann
    January 24, 2016 at 1:54 am

    Great article Nikki

  • Reply
    julie gardner
    January 27, 2016 at 11:56 am

    Nikki,

    I’m late to this post and I’ve never met you but I know you’re worth more than what you’ve been shown.

    You are worth everything.

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    February 1, 2016 at 9:46 pm

    Nikki,
    My prayers, support and love to you and your children! You are not alone.
    Kim G.

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    February 2, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    Love you!!!

    • Reply
      Nikky44
      February 5, 2016 at 1:54 pm

      <3<3

  • Reply
    Wallace Howe
    February 8, 2016 at 4:19 am

    So sad that you are still stuck in the role of Echo trying to please and gain attention/ approval / validation from your malignant Narcissistic Father. He never loved you, as we all know N only love themselves.

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