~The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love.—Henry Miller
—After Kay’s murder, my friend, Jane, asked, “Kim, when did it all begin? I said, “At the very beginning.”
The following journal entries of my sister, Kay, reveals the premature signs of domestic abuse. Although they may appear minimal and insignificant at first, these acts of disrespect, unkindness, & disregard are vividly captured within these pages.
As I read Kay’s words, what stands out the most is her desperation to be loved, respected, acknowledged, and valued by her life-partner.
A picnic in the woods. Breaking bread. Drinking wine. Giving love. Receiving love.
So simple. So practical.
…Yet it never happened.
On May 26, 2010, Kay’s estranged husband snuck up behind her as she was leaving for her daily walk and shot her 3 times in the head. He then turned the gun on himself.
May 29, 1984
Please let something happen in this marriage. I can’t stand it anymore. He’s such a gross pig. He has not morals and absolutely mixed up priorities. I really don’t’ know what to do. Please get me out of this. Please make it good. I am bored and so confused. I would like to be loved and respected and I am definitely not.
June 2, 1984
I feel confused and totally out of control of my life. This seems to be a time of serious self evaluation. I understand some things about myself now. I am afraid to give love and show kindness because of rejection. On the other hand, I want so much to give it. I want to be wanted for who I am. I don’t feel needed and want so much to have a stable, normal relationship and life. I want to hold hands and be kissed and I want somebody to give me complements, too.
June 15, 1984
I really need to know what to do. This can’t be it. Is it selfish of me to want more, to want to be something, to want to be loved and cared for? Is it wrong that I want to be respected? I can’t try anymore in this relationship. I just don’t care anymore. I feel like I have tried with him. We are just so different. I don’t feel I can be me with him (What
Ever “Me” means.
July 1, 1984
Why doesn’t he make me feel more important? He doesn’t’ seem to want to share anything with me. I’m so confused with all of this. He just doesn’t seem to care. Give me the strength to shower him with love even if I don’t’ get it back. Please make him more loving and gentle with me.
July 7, 1984
I so much want to be terrific at one thing. To put all of my energy into one thing and to be recognized as a person with a special gift who helps others. I would so much love to walk in the woods with somebody who loves me with a picnic basket filled with fruit, French bread, and a bottle of wine. I’d love to go to a cabin in the wilderness and eat a romantic lunch in front of a fireplace and sit on a lovely rug and just have somebody love me.
That’s what I want.
——-Dear, Reader, this is not a blog-post about hopelessness and victimization. No, these words are about hope, empowerment, knowledge, and sharing Kay’s experience. Her experience DOES NOT need to be your experience.
You can transform your life today. You can Break The Chains Today.
Help is available. You are WORTH it. You are SO Damn Worth it.
NEVER EVER FORGET: You are cherished, valued, beautiful, and loved.
—National Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233
—In Duluth call: 218-722-2781