~The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love.—Henry Miller
—After Kay’s murder, my friend, Jane, asked, “Kim, when did it all begin? I said, “At the very beginning.”
The following journal entries of my sister, Kay, reveals the premature signs of domestic abuse. Although they may appear minimal and insignificant at first, these acts of disrespect, unkindness, & disregard are vividly captured within these pages.
As I read Kay’s words, what stands out the most is her desperation to be loved, respected, acknowledged, and valued by her life-partner.
A picnic in the woods. Breaking bread. Drinking wine. Giving love. Receiving love.
So simple. So practical.
…Yet it never happened.
On May 26, 2010, Kay’s estranged husband snuck up behind her as she was leaving for her daily walk and shot her 3 times in the head. He then turned the gun on himself.
I have all of Kay’s journals. I’m only beginning to read them now.
May 29, 1984
Dear, God,
Please let something happen in this marriage. I can’t stand it anymore. He’s such a gross pig. He has not morals and absolutely mixed up priorities. I really don’t’ know what to do. Please get me out of this. Please make it good. I am bored and so confused. I would like to be loved and respected and I am definitely not.
June 2, 1984
Dear, God
I feel confused and totally out of control of my life. This seems to be a time of serious self evaluation. I understand some things about myself now. I am afraid to give love and show kindness because of rejection. On the other hand, I want so much to give it. I want to be wanted for who I am. I don’t feel needed and want so much to have a stable, normal relationship and life. I want to hold hands and be kissed and I want somebody to give me complements, too.
June 15, 1984
Dear, God
I really need to know what to do. This can’t be it. Is it selfish of me to want more, to want to be something, to want to be loved and cared for? Is it wrong that I want to be respected? I can’t try anymore in this relationship. I just don’t care anymore. I feel like I have tried with him. We are just so different. I don’t feel I can be me with him (What
Ever “Me” means.
July 1, 1984
Dear, God,
Why doesn’t he make me feel more important? He doesn’t’ seem to want to share anything with me. I’m so confused with all of this. He just doesn’t seem to care. Give me the strength to shower him with love even if I don’t’ get it back. Please make him more loving and gentle with me.
July 7, 1984
Dear, God,
I so much want to be terrific at one thing. To put all of my energy into one thing and to be recognized as a person with a special gift who helps others. I would so much love to walk in the woods with somebody who loves me with a picnic basket filled with fruit, French bread, and a bottle of wine. I’d love to go to a cabin in the wilderness and eat a romantic lunch in front of a fireplace and sit on a lovely rug and just have somebody love me.
That’s what I want.
——-Dear, Reader, this is not a blog-post about hopelessness and victimization. No, these words are about hope, empowerment, knowledge, and sharing Kay’s experience. Her experience DOES NOT need to be your experience.
You can transform your life today. You can Break The Chains Today.
Help is available. You are WORTH it. You are SO Damn Worth it.
NEVER EVER FORGET: You are cherished, valued, beautiful, and loved.
—National Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233
—In Duluth call: 218-722-2781
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69 Comments
Lady E
September 20, 2015 at 12:19 pmYour sister’s words are so powerful.
Thank you for sharing them Kim.
xx
My Inner Chick
September 20, 2015 at 4:32 pmThank you for reading, Lady E.
I’ve miss you. x
Elephant's Child
September 20, 2015 at 1:21 pmI hate that he was murdering her heart, her soul, her spirit before he took her away from all her possiblities and from the people who loved her.
I love that you are empowering others. So many others.
Hugs. Always.
Kim Sisto-Robinson
September 20, 2015 at 8:22 pmHe murdered her heart and soul
before he murdered her body.
xx kiss for you, S.
Balroop Singh
September 20, 2015 at 2:37 pmThe problem is that people don’t consider disrespect, lack of concern, being indifferent as domestic abuse! Just because they allow this, disrespect escalates in various forms and there is no end to it.
Recognise the early signs, dear friends and prevent domestic abuse.
Love you Kim.
My Inner Chick
September 21, 2015 at 4:43 amLove you back, Balroop. xx
My Inner Chick
September 20, 2015 at 2:43 pm—Testing—
Susan Boswell
September 20, 2015 at 2:48 pmYou know Kim .. For Kate to just get to a point to articulate her hope and dreams… I think she had to reach a turning point where she felt worthy of it…. Which was a miracle on its self because he wanted to make her feel worthless less. In the end, Kays spirit triumphed.
My Inner Chick
September 21, 2015 at 1:23 pmYes, Susan,
I agree.
She is FREE.
This makes me smile. xxxx
lisa thomson
September 20, 2015 at 2:51 pmI’m crying. Kim, what a profound idea to share Kay’s diary entries and to read them and put your voice to them. My God. It hurts. This will help so many women out there and I’m sure some men, too. I think it’s so common for us to want the little things that make life and marriage special like a picnic or a romantic lunch in front of a fireplace. Everyone deserves these small gestures. Thank you for sharing this. xoxo
My Inner Chick
September 21, 2015 at 6:17 pmLisa,
I’ve only been able to read her journals recently…after 5 years.
She has about 30 of them filled up fully and outrageously.
I read and I think, “DAaaaaMN, why didn’t you leave? WHY WHY WHY fucking WHY?
I get ReALLY pissed off…
then I hear her voice saying, “TELL them all. TELL my story.”
And I do.
xxxxx
Minnesota Prairie Roots
September 23, 2015 at 6:12 amThat is the challenging part, to understand the “why,” until we truly grasp how insidious the control of the abuser.
These journal entries offer valuable insights to understanding and hope. Thank you for sharing these, dear Kim. To read something so deeply personal makes a powerful impact.
My Inner Chick
September 24, 2015 at 4:51 amThe abuse begins at the beginning and the abuser doesn’t change…. but you think he will.
This is what women need to know.
xxx
Michelle
September 20, 2015 at 3:07 pmDear Kim,
I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to read her diary and see the pain in her words.
I admire (and am inspired by) your bravery. Thank you for sharing and noting that there is hope.
Love from KS
My Inner Chick
September 22, 2015 at 12:21 pmI can only read a bit at a time.
I want to scream, “GETTTTTTTT OUTTTTTTTTTT!”
There is so much I want to say…
xxx
Jann
September 20, 2015 at 3:08 pmAll the way back in 1984 Kay knew “he has no morals.” How tragic that she remained trapped. Reading through her journals must hurt you so much, but by sharing her words you are providing hope & enlightenment for many in the same situation. xxxxx
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 4:53 amjann,
this is what struck me the most.
it began in the VERY beginning. Amazing.
why didn’t I know all of this?
Luv to you. xxx
Carrie Rubin
September 20, 2015 at 3:17 pmHow painful it must be to read these words of your sister, but how brave and good it is that you share them so that others may see things in time, should they be in the same situation.
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 12:50 pmCarrie,
this is the new purpose of my life. xx
Amy Tong
September 20, 2015 at 6:30 pmSad to know someone have to live like this….and I know many women live the same way that could use some help! Thanks for sharing this powerful message and that share the hope, and the help they deserve.
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 12:51 pmAmy,
many woman live like this.
Kay did for 30 years, but I
want them to know that THEY DO NOT HAVE TO.
This is the reason I tell Kay’s story!
xxx
Monica
September 20, 2015 at 6:52 pmWow, I can’t believe these diaries. Did she share any of her writings with you while she was still alive? It’s heartbreaking to read, knowing the outcome. I can only imagine the effect reading her entries has on you. Sending you hugs, my friend.
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 12:53 pmMonica,
no, but she told me about the journals.
They are difficult to read because she was SO UNHAPPY…
but I can utilize them to tell her story.
Women DO NOT need to live like this.
I want them to know there is HOPE))))) XX
Chris Carter
September 20, 2015 at 7:07 pmOH my heart…
Her words. Her anguish. Her relentless faith. Her precious wounded spirit.
Dear God,
I pray you have now showered her with the Greatest Love In Heaven that she never had on earth. I pray she is held most High in your Almighty Arms, and is filled with your Gracious Mercy. I pray she is forever and eternally blessed with Peace. I pray she is dancing with the Angels and singing songs of Joy. Oh, Lord- I pray she is truly immersed in your everlasting Light.
Amen.
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 12:55 pmThank you, my lovely prayer warrior.
Chris, Kay told me her journals were a bit like King David.
CRYING out. Pleading. Lamenting.
She was right.
xxx
Ronda Erie
September 20, 2015 at 7:26 pmThank you for sharing Kay’s words! Love you!!
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 12:55 pmLove you, too.
Thank you for your support these many years!! xx
ladyfi
September 20, 2015 at 8:43 pmSo moving and poignant. Thank you for sharing with us and letting us learn from Kay.
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 12:56 pmKay has become a teacher for other women.
She’s be quite proud of that. xx
Angie@Angie's Recipes
September 20, 2015 at 10:36 pmIt breaks my heart to read those words of your sister….the longing for love, respect and help..:-((
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 12:57 pmSuch a longing, aching, hoping.
It truly breaks my heart,
but I know she is now FREE. xx
Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
September 21, 2015 at 2:47 amMy goodness Kim her words are so chilling especially now that we know what happened. It’s absolutely heart breaking 🙁 xxx
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 12:58 pmLorraine,
my goal is to tell women about the EARLY signs.
They. Are. There.
They are there. xx
Renee Johnson
September 21, 2015 at 2:51 amHeartrending words that will hopefully help others caught up in a similar situation. Love shouldn’t hurt. If it does, it isn’t love. Hugs to you!!! I can only imagine how difficult this still is for you and your family.
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 12:59 pmRenee,
my family has GREAT faith.
We have moved forward, but Kay will
ALWAYS be with us until the very end ( until we are re-united again.
I believe this. xx
Jodi
September 21, 2015 at 4:54 amI love reading her words. What struck me is the dates: how long she lived like this when she “couldn’t take it any more.” Such a strong, insightful and profound woman. I feel so much love for her. You’ve given her (always, in live and now) the love she was searching for! Thanks for sharing these most intimate thoughts. I’m sure they will help so many women. Xoxoxo
Nikky44
September 21, 2015 at 4:08 pmI noticed the dates too. Kate endured a lot. I often wonder how would my story end if I stayed longer? I also get confused thinking: if it was that bad, how did I survived it for all these years? I forget the bad. I often wish I didn’t leave before I am sure he wasn’t going to change. Having hope can be good and bad at the same time. Hoping for better days gives strength to cope better but at the same time make the relationship last longer. Being so deprived of love from the person we expected would love us make any sign of love from his side seem so important and perfect that you forget all the bad and get confused even wondering how you could ever wished that things were different.
My Inner Chick
September 23, 2015 at 1:00 pmMe, too, Jodi,
She was only a baby when she wrote this…
and NOTHING ever changed.
xxx
elizabeth
September 21, 2015 at 4:59 amKim – I know we talked about Kay’s entries and reading them is so sad. I hope Kay knows now that her life did matter and in her memory you are keeping her alive and that is making all the difference. She is changing lives with your help and love. love you. elizabeth
trish
September 21, 2015 at 7:25 amKim,
I think you are very brave to put yourself through pain to help others.
countingducks
September 21, 2015 at 9:23 amI don’t just think this is a Blog about Hope, although it surely is, but also a word about guts and determination and the will to “Fight the good fight” however tragic the circumstances which drew you to the battle.
As always, reading your sister’s journal is just heart wrenching. She always comes across as such a gentle, good-willed soul bewildered by her circumstances. I simply abhor bullying or aggressive behaviour in any scenario, and your constant warning against it are a powerful force for good. Blessings on you always my friend xx
Fancy Ranci
September 21, 2015 at 10:19 amKim,
Thank you for sharing this. It has the potential to help someone who needs it!
Pat
September 21, 2015 at 12:52 pmWow, Kim, thank you so much for sharing her journal with your readers. Kay was a remarkable woman and I believe she is happy to see that something good has come out of her pain and suffering. It’s a powerful legacy and thank you for making her voice heard. It’s heart breaking to know there are so many women world wide who are suffering at the hands of their abusers. It’s surely up to all of us to do what we can to stop it!
Kim Gagnon
September 21, 2015 at 4:22 pmMy Kimmy
Kay always put others concerns above hers. She had hope for him and was even concerned he might hurt himself not even thinking he might hurt her. She was so brave and unselfish. She is truly God’s angel. I am so glad she did start doing things for fiherself and moving on. Thanks to God, family and friends. Miss her. Love you
M
totally Caroline
September 21, 2015 at 4:57 pmBeautiful. It is so intimate looking at her journal, it makes me feel like I know her.
Jeri
September 21, 2015 at 10:44 pm“I would like to be loved and respected and I am definitely not.” Seeing those words in Kay’s handwriting hits home and cries out to how we’ve all felt that way, and that yes, we would all be well-served to know what warning signs to look for in the ones we love who may do us harm and what we can do about it.
hilary
September 22, 2015 at 4:11 amShe was so loved… By you… I am so sorry she had to suffer the way she did..
Dawn
September 22, 2015 at 4:35 amHuh. Sitting in a marriage of many many years, waiting for a bit of the things she was waiting for. Makes me think.
Mandy
September 22, 2015 at 6:03 am“Please make him more loving and gentle with me.” Kim, these words Kay wrote scream out for help! I can only imagine what Kay kept from you and your family to protect you all from him. God has Kay now safely in his arms.
Love to you my dear sweet Kim.
🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
Debbie
September 22, 2015 at 7:54 amOh. Kim. My heart aches for what your dear sister endured. She sounds like such a loving spirit, one who certainly deserved better. For her sake, I’m glad she’s no longer suffering. But for yours, and the rest of your family, I know her absence is a gaping hole. Thank you for being brave enough to read her journals — and share them here. God bless you, friend. Hugs!
Debbie
September 22, 2015 at 8:02 amDear Kim, your darling sister deserved better! Such a sweet, sensitive soul and what a cross she had to bear. For her sake, I’m glad she’s no longer suffering, but for you and the rest of the family, I know her absence leaves a Big. Gaping. Hole. You’re so BRAVE for reading through her journals, and you’re doing a great service by sharing some of Kay’s thoughts here. Hugs to you, my friend!
Debbie
September 22, 2015 at 8:09 am(So it looks like I’ve commented twice — argh!! The first one didn’t “take.” Delete one if you wish!)
Kim Gagnon
September 22, 2015 at 3:18 pmLove you!!
I posted yesterday ?!
Jennifer Wolfe
September 22, 2015 at 4:31 pmPowerful. By sharing her words, you are helping so many.
Valentine Logar
September 22, 2015 at 8:39 pmI read her words and am stunned. She had such a voice, I wonder why we had to wait so long to hear it. Thank you my friend for sharing.
Hotly Spiced
September 23, 2015 at 12:39 amIt’s so sad that she absolutely know how awful he was but yet kept wanting to try to make it better and make herself better. It must be something to have her journals but heartbreaking at the very same time xx
Sandra
September 23, 2015 at 4:43 amI read while holding my breath. Every moment of her life that you describe and let us morn with you are so vivid and filled with love.
Sandra
September 23, 2015 at 8:55 amPlease keep telling Kay’s story there are so many people who need to hear it. One of the biggest lessons to learn is that we all deserve to be loved unconditionally and that abuse isn’t just physical. Bless you Kim!
Little Chickie
September 23, 2015 at 10:00 amIt is so very sad to read her writings. And I truly know from the botttom of my heart what it feels like to be de valued.
I no longer feel that way since I’m with a great man. And Kay now feels valued/loved because she lives among angels.
Blessings,
Little Chickie
Little Chickie
September 23, 2015 at 10:03 amI truly know what is feels like to be devalued. Thus I can relate to her writings. But now I’m with a wonderful man and Kay feels loved/valued because she is living amongst angels.
Blessings! Little Chickie
Dad
September 23, 2015 at 2:00 pmThanks, Kim, for the wonderful blog about Kay. I could write a book about Kay
And what she was all about. I think everyone every one that has been reading
your blog already knows.
I Love You So Much
Dad
nan @ lbddiaries
September 23, 2015 at 9:21 pm” I want to hold hands and be kissed…” – choked me up, tears in the eyes. My heart hurts. Everyone deserves to be loved and something as simple as holding hands and being kissed… something we might take for granted in a good relationship. Not anymore. And I think your dad SHOULD write a book about Kay. I would buy it.
solidgoldcreativity
September 24, 2015 at 12:34 amShe suffered for so many years. So painful to read your dear sister’s torment. Kim, you are a miracle. xx
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
September 24, 2015 at 9:32 pmAs painful as it may be to read, I’m so glad you have your sister’s journals. Her words will live forever now, and it is another piece of her that you can hold close to you heart.
Marie
September 25, 2015 at 8:24 amHow heartbreaking Kim!
Kay was suffering from the very beginning. I agree Domestic Violence starts at this point. People don’t get it most of the time.
Thank you for helping women getting out of these abusing relationships that are killing them a bit more every day.
May Kay and you be blessed. She is alive in every one of your breath.
Love from Paris.
xoxoxo
Kathy
September 25, 2015 at 8:50 pmThe lessons she teaches thru her words, are never ending. Thank you for being the conduit for your sister. So very powerful.
Debbie D.
September 27, 2015 at 10:11 amSo heartbreaking, especially since we know the outcome! Thank you Kim, for spreading the message that others can escape a similar fate.
Dana
September 28, 2015 at 6:10 pmYour words are always powerful, Kim…but reading Kay’s own words are…I don’t know how to describe it. Thank you for sharing.
TheKitchenLioness
September 30, 2015 at 11:12 amKim, I cannot even imagine how difficult and challenging it must be for you to read your sisters diaries and notes…thank you for sharing her words with all of us!
Sending you a big fat hug all the way from here!
Thinking of you and your sister…
Andrea