In Memory of Kay Kim's Blogs

A Murderer In Our Own Home


Kay, My Soul-Mate Forever

Kay, My Soul-Mate Forever

All the precious words you and I have exchanged have found their way into the heart of the universe. One day they’ll pour on us like whispering rain helping us arise from our roots again. ~ Rumi

 

—-Several people have asked what I would have done differently after Kay’s murder.

 

They asked questions like,  were there any signs? Was this a tragedy that could have been prevented?  Do you hold any guilt?

 

The answers are … Yes.    Yes.    And Yes.

 

The signs were there from the beginning.  This man stalked her,  sat outside our house for hours and begged her to date him.  At the time, she was only sixteen years old; a high school student, a people pleaser.  I asked my mother recently why we would’ve allowed that sort of stupid behavior.  She shook her head sadly, hopelessly, defeatingly.   “Well, I just don’t why we didn’t tell him to leave her the hell alone, get the hell away from our house.” I finally said.

 

Nonetheless, Kay finally complied.  “I feel sorry for him. He’s like this little pathetic  dog that needs a home, a friend,” she said.  “What’s it going to hurt?”  You see,  Kay’s greatest strengths:  kindness, empathy, and compassion also became her greatest weaknesses, and in the end,  the parts of her that caused her to stay…

 

And die.

 

None of us knew this would be the launch of the most dysfunctional, verbally abusive, heartbreaking, exhausting, whirlwind of a relationship,  if you want to call it that, any of us had ever known.

 

And I loathe myself for becoming part of it, part of the darkness, the shittiness.   The part that didn’t stand up and scream,  “Get the fuck out of our lives.”

 

I didn’t.  I didn’t I didn’t.

 

You want to know the reason?

 

Because I thought he’d change, too.  Our entire family did.

 

I remember Kay and I sitting for hours thinking of ways to love him more, make him feel wanted, needed, accepted into our family.  I mean, quite honestly,  if you can’t convert your old ways by the profound love and kisses and deep hugging and gigantic pasta dinners of our enormous Italian family, you must already be dead.

 

I’m pretty sure he was.  Dead, that is.

 

Kay repeated these same words to me on our countless walks on the Waterfront Trail—“Kim, I want somebody to listen to me, care about my dreams,  my goals, my heart, my future.  I want a man who loves me, really, really loves me…but  he crushes my soul until I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe when I’m around him.”

 

I should’ve convinced her to leave, find somebody who would see her,  hear her, love her wholly and unconditionally.   I should’ve taken her by the hand and said, “you are not going back home because YOU MATTER,  your soul matters,  your dreams matter, your kids matter.

 

Instead, I tried to accept him for who he was, who he might become.

 

He was nothing, but I thought he was something.

 

Let me start again. Okay?

 

What I’m trying to say is yes,  the signs were visible.  Look for them.  Believe me,  they are there if you’re receptive and awake.

 

Yes,  this tragedy (Kay’s) could’ve been prevented.  Our family could’ve been pro-active from the beginning and not another part of the manipulation, the dysfunction, the brokenness, the excuses.

 

And yes,  I have guilt….

 

In my dreams,  I grasp Kay’s hand and say,  “Let’s go.  I know a place where the wild flowers bloom all year long, where the sun shines day and night… Come, everybody is waiting for you there.”

 

 

—–Dear, Reader,  I’m writing this to inform, empower, and tell you our story, our new reality—so this doesn’t become your story.  Help is available in your area today.

 

—National Domestic Abuse Hot-Line—  CALL NOW!


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105 Comments

  • Reply
    michelle
    July 14, 2015 at 9:58 am

    I am so so sorry for your loss.

  • Reply
    Little Chickie
    July 14, 2015 at 10:07 am

    I’m sorry it had to end this way Kim. But I pray you have helped many move on. I know you’ve helped me.

    Blessings,

    Little Chickie

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:19 am

      Little Chickie,
      It will never be ended, darling.

      xxx KISS from 65th.

  • Reply
    Debbie
    July 14, 2015 at 11:31 am

    Every time I hear Kay’s story, my friend, I weep anew. Hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it? How sad that this man picked such a vulnerable victim — stop kicking yourself for not doing more to prevent it, though. Characters like him are cunning and devious, and big loving Italian families are generous and accepting. Y’all were too good to him!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:21 am

      Hello, Debbie,
      the purpose of this post is for others to see the warning signals.
      We. Did. Not.
      We can now tell others what they were, what are story was. xx

  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    July 14, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    My dear Kim, every time I read yours and Kay´s and your family´s story, I get sad all over again but at the same time I always admire the strength of your words, your love, your compassion and your powerful message – sending many hugs your way and thinking of you so many times, all the time.
    Hugs from afar and a fat kiss (if I may),
    Andrea

  • Reply
    Trish
    July 14, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    Thinking of you, Kim.

  • Reply
    Barbara Hammond
    July 14, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    When I read this I think of the close calls I lived through with my mother and all her asshole men. I’m very fortunate to be here. So are YOU. And you are here to keep telling the story and help others get out.
    Bless you for that!
    xoxoxob

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:22 am

      Barbara,
      I’ll never stop telling Kay’s story! xx

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    July 14, 2015 at 12:48 pm

    Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.
    How I love, and admire, that the tragedy which hammered you didn’t break you and inspired you to reach out and prevent others from feeling that pain.
    Didn’t break you, despite you feeling that it had.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:23 am

      Sue,
      I am broken, but still SHOUTING))!!!

      Thank you for all of your love. xxxx You are very kind.

  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    July 14, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    Oh Kim, every single time I read your story I weep, my heart breaks.

    I love you, I love you.

  • Reply
    Dad
    July 14, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    I also saw signs, but never thought it would lead to murder. Boy, was I wrong.
    If anyone is in a domestic situation please watch for those signs, be pro-active
    before it’s late.
    Love You
    Dad

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:24 am

      Dad,
      what would we do now? Have you thought about it?

      Love you more than the sky. xxxxxxx

  • Reply
    lisa thomson
    July 14, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    This is so heartbreaking but so important to share. I applaud your courage, Kim. He won’t change, not for her. Not for anyone. You did what you thought was right at the time. This: “Get the fuck out of our lives.” sometimes those statements backfire in ways we don’t expect. It can alienate the victim further. Instead, you supported Kay with love and acceptance. It’s natural to question whether we did all we could have. You’re still doing all you can. You’re making a difference this minute.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:26 am

      Lisa,
      No. I wish we would have stood up and said NO MORE. But NOW
      we can tell others to do this…This is my mission!

      xxx kISSS DownUNDEr.

  • Reply
    Tia
    July 14, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    Love you

  • Reply
    Charlene Ross
    July 14, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    Kim,

    Thank you for continuing to share Kay’s story. Your story.

    I think what people who have never been in or near an abusive relationship don’t understand is that the abusers are not always abusive. A lot of the time they are wonderful. It’s almost manic depressive in a way. The highs are so high. They adore you. They spoil you. Until they don’t. They are master manipulators. They make you think you need them. And damn are they charming to the people you love.

    I was in a relationship like that when I was a teenager. I was lucky to be able to get out safely. (The only time he ever hit me was after we broke up and he was stalking me.) I haven’t seen or heard from him in over 30 years (thank God!) but I know that if he’s married his wife suffers from abuse. And my heart breaks for her.

    I know you feel guilty Kim. Anyone would, it’s our nature. But you know that it is not your fault. Or your family’s fault or Kay’s fault. It was his fault. 100%. Tell your guilt to fuck off. You are making a difference in this world. Please know that.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:28 am

      I know it’s not our fault, but we could have stopped it from the beginning…and I want others to know that they can, too. You know? If they assume this man is going to change, it’s a LIE.
      I agree, the man you were with is still abusing. Unless one has a revelation from GOD, one does not change.

      Luv U. xx

  • Reply
    Nikky44
    July 14, 2015 at 4:15 pm

    I saw all the signs and accepted because he loved me when no one else did <3

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:29 am

      Nikky, my darling.
      That. IS. NOT. LOVE.

      Btw, I love you. xxxx

      Where were you from?

      • Reply
        Nikky44
        July 15, 2015 at 2:19 pm

        I’m from Lebanon.
        love you too

  • Reply
    Jane
    July 14, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    Kim… I also know that when you come from a healthy, functional, loving family you are not prepared – don’t even recognize – a crazy, manipulative, sick person like Mike was. We are just not prepared for that. We assume that everyone is “like us”. So maybe it wasn’t only that you thought he’d change – you couldn’t fathom that anyone in your world was capable of such a profound and horrible deed. We trust others. We believe in their goodness. We have been so blessed to have had a life like that. You continue to remind us however to stop being so naive and (while still believing in the love and goodness in others) to be objective, check out the character and integrity of a person, trust our first instinct and inner voice that tells us something isn’t right. And then run like hell. I’d still rather trust than be suspicious of everyone. But life has taught us that we can’t be stupid. You, Kay, and your loving family could only respond the way you did through all those years. Murder wasn’t possible. Then it was. Because of someone who was incapable of accepting the love and goodness that surrounded him. XOXO always…

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:31 am

      Jane,
      interesting that you mentioned (first instinct).
      My instincts kicked in at the first meeting.
      Kay called me into the kitchen excitedly saying, “Well, what do you think of him?”
      I said, “He looks like a monster.”
      I did not know that would be a literal statement.

      Love to you, my friend. Miss you. Are you my Jane from PP?

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    July 14, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    Love you!!!!! K

  • Reply
    Gary
    July 14, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    Hi Kim,

    I hope that your ongoing verbalisation continues to provide a modicum of comfort and indeed, an important message for those who may have experienced the horrors of similar circumstances.

    Hugs and hope, your friend,

    Gary xx

  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    July 14, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    I applaud your efforts, Kay to help all those who face similar situations.
    I love your courage and compassion.
    I know many women are learning from your heartbreaking posts.
    Thanks for keeping the flame alive.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:33 am

      Balroop,
      as long as I’m living, the flames will be burning, darling. xx

  • Reply
    totally Caroline
    July 14, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    Keep spreading the word my dear friend, you may one day save another woman’s life, even if you were not able to save your sister.
    Sending you lots of love from Florida ❤️

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:34 am

      –This is my goal, Caroline Xxx

    • Reply
      Marie
      July 16, 2015 at 1:17 am

      She saved mine Caroline. And many others I imagine. And many to come…
      I got to see the crazy in the eyes of the man I married, before it was too late. I will always be grateful for the day I crossed Kim’s life and her inspiring raw words.

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    July 14, 2015 at 11:06 pm

    Kim, in Australia a Royal Commission into Domestic Violence has begun this week due to the epidemic of DV. It will run for months, even years. I don’t know what the equivalent in the US is; it’s like a mega court case in which thousands of people give testimony, or like the Truth and Reconciliation Commission held in South Africa after the end of apartheid.

    I thought of you and Kay when listening to some of the searing testimony yesterday, and also of my auntie Betty, murdered in 1970 at the age of 50. God be with all families dealing with this crime and its devastating impact. Love flowing to you, sweets xxx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:35 am

      Narelle,
      Knowledge is power.
      Proactivity is power.
      Standing up when nobody else will is power.
      …but we can’t do it alone.
      Did Betty’s murderer kill himself, too?

      xxx kISS

      • Reply
        solidgoldcreativity
        July 16, 2015 at 6:52 am

        He didn’t kill himself. He got some burns and was hospitalised. I don’t know what happened to him after that. No-one ever speaks of it in my family and I regret that very much. I actually don’t know my cousin’s views on speaking/not speaking. It was her mother and father. Speaking about it now, I get that I need/want to talk to her about it. I’ll do that tomorrow. xx

  • Reply
    Mandy
    July 15, 2015 at 1:51 am

    I can feel the love Kay has for you smiling down from heaven, knowing what you do makes a difference to so many woman and man who are scared, who don’t have a voice, who still have a chance.
    Love and hugs to you dear Kim.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:36 am

      Mandy,
      I feel you love and kindness from S. Africa, sweets. I send it back to you. xxx

  • Reply
    London Girl
    July 15, 2015 at 2:53 am

    I don’t think there is anything you or your family could have done to stop this tragedy from unfurling. Kay was her own woman and she made her own choices. All the times she decided to stay and give their marriage another try she made a conscious choice and at the time, she would have believed that it was the best choice she could make. If you had tried to stop her, there is every chance that she would have chosen to tell you (kindly) to butt out. The fact is that maybe even Kay could not have changed the outcome. She married a man who had a monster lurking in the shadows of his mind – who could see that? Do not torture yourself; there was nothing you could do. Take care, choose to be happy. X

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:41 am

      London Girl,
      the purpose of this post is to make other’s aware of the early signs. Our story does not need to be their story.
      Kay was not her own woman until the END…he then killed her.
      My goal is to tell others they have options…they do not need to STAY as Kay thought for many years.
      I’m not torturing myself, darling, I’m telling our story as it happened.
      It is much more complex than “just picking up to leave.”

      xx kiss from Duluth.

  • Reply
    Dawn
    July 15, 2015 at 4:29 am

    I feel as though everything has been said in previous comments, I nod in agreement as I read them. I understand carrying guilt that is not yours. We so wish we could have changed something. And no amount of people telling us its not our fault will make us let that go entirely. I always tell families who have suffered violent sudden deaths that wherever they are in the feeling continuum is OK. There are no rules for getting through these things.

    You are doing good, important work. Keep doing it.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:44 am

      Hi, Dawn,
      if I can’t be honest about my guilt in this situation, I may as well quit this blog. What others need to know is that “They can change the outcome. They can change their story.”

      This is the reason I’m telling Kay’s story.

      Guilt? Yes.
      But it’s not something I walk around with!
      I talk about it!!!!

      xx

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    July 15, 2015 at 4:39 am

    I love you Kim.
    I love you for sharing your pain so that others can learn and draw strength to run.
    I wish with all the wishes in the world it wasn’t this way — but your voice in this community Kim is so powerful and loud and heard and needed. You and Kay are changing lives every day. Don’t ever forget that. xxooxo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:45 am

      Kimberly,
      this is my prayer, my sweet. xxxx

    • Reply
      Marie
      July 16, 2015 at 1:18 am

      Totally agree Kimberly. Kay and Kim are changing lives. In the most beautiful way…

  • Reply
    Anna @ shenANNAgans
    July 15, 2015 at 6:05 am

    I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big squishy hug. xox

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:45 am

      And I’d give you a squishy hug back, Anna. xxx

  • Reply
    Jann
    July 15, 2015 at 6:56 am

    What a strong and stirring post. How could a beautiful loving family like yours even IMAGINE that a murderer was lurking in your midst? This failure of imagination was in no way your fault. But it’s why your work is so important–you are making sure other vulnerable loving trusting families can imagine Evil. You’re making the world a better place, Kim, and thank you. xxxxxxx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 7:47 am

      Jann,
      the pain, guilt, & loss causes me to move forward w/ all my might!!

      xxx kiss for you in Sicily.

  • Reply
    Elisabeth Kinsey
    July 15, 2015 at 8:49 am

    So powerful! You amaze me with your strength!

  • Reply
    Ronda Erie
    July 15, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Keep yelling from the rooftops Kim! Continue to empower women in abusive relationships!! I will always give you a standing ovation because I think you are one of the most amazing women I know! Love you!!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 9:47 am

      Ronda,
      that’s why I love you.
      You see and hear others!! xxx kiss from 65th.

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    July 15, 2015 at 9:08 am

    I read your words, your story, your heart over and over again- and I’m in tears. What strikes me always, is the hope that with your mission, your voice, Kay’s heart… there is HOPE for LIFE after domestic abuse. Because of you.

    You are saving Kays everywhere. Every time I share your posts, I pray God bring power to your words and your message to grab a heart that needs to read it… and MOVE that beautiful person OUT of harm’s way.

    Every time.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 9:48 am

      OOO, Chris,
      your words make me smile and move forward, darling.
      All the “KAYS”
      yes, this is my mission!
      With GOD’S Help. xxxx

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    July 15, 2015 at 9:58 am

    It’s all too easy to be wise in hindsight… Thanks for sharing your story.

  • Reply
    Artadorned
    July 15, 2015 at 10:57 am

    Thank you for sharing with us. I’m really sorry for your loss and don’t blame yourself. I know its hard but you did what you thought was right at the time.

    http://www.artadorned.com

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 12:52 pm

      Yes,
      but I can share our experience… so our story doesn’t need to be their story!

      thank you for reading! xx

  • Reply
    Dana
    July 15, 2015 at 12:20 pm

    As always, your strength and your grief overwhelm me…I can only imagine. But for those for whom it is a reality…may they find their own strength in your words.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 12:52 pm

      Dana,
      this is my prayer every single time I press PUBLISH> xx

  • Reply
    Stephanie Lewis
    July 15, 2015 at 1:03 pm

    I will be sharing this with so many but two people in particular that it may not be too late for. Thank you!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 3:34 pm

      Stephanie,

      I hope they listen. It is never too late to begin again.
      Thank you for reading. xx

  • Reply
    Caroline Abbott
    July 15, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    Profound sadness. Yes, I am sure you and your family feel guilt over not protecting your sweet sister. If it helps at all, so MANY families have fallen into the trap your family did. It is just so HARD to realize there are people out there who can just be plain EVIL. No, they don’t think like we do. Loving them and accepting them will NOT help them. It just allows them to hurt those we love. This is a sad truth, but truth it is. Blessings dear friend.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 3:29 pm

      Caroline,
      I am Kay’s voice.
      I remember thinking, “GOD, WHY would you leave me here w/out my sister?”
      I think HE has answered that question for me.

      xxx kISSS from MN>

  • Reply
    Beverly Diehl
    July 15, 2015 at 4:15 pm

    So many movies, songs, stories, taught the women of our generation, and those before us, that stalking/persistence = love. I enjoy the classic song “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” by the Temptations, but listen to the lyrics sometime.

    Even now, there are messages to that effect in pop culture (FSOG is a love story, please!), so it’s no wonder we internalize them and get confused.

    Having a “soft heart,” wanting to help others… it’s beautiful that was Kay’s soul. But none of us can fill a black hole, no matter how much we try, what we do, try to understand, help, we can pour all the love in the world in and it remains a black hole. Which can rip us apart in the end.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 4:32 pm

      Beverly,
      yes, I believe these messages are confusing and dangerous.
      …but even though Kay is gone, she RISES up thru me…and I shall tell her story forever.
      What else can I do?

      xxx

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    July 15, 2015 at 8:32 pm

    While there is so much pain and regret and guilt in what you’ve written, this is tremendously powerful and will be of assistance to many. I think we are all guilty of having a gut feeling about someone and not acting on it. In a much smaller matter, I was approached by someone who I knew vaguely but knew there was something about her that didn’t sit right with me. She asked me to come to her office and there she offered me a job. Knowing I was going against my instincts, I took the job. I would describe her as a sociopath. Sociopaths have no conscience and therefore no regrets about their behaviour. I cannot tell you how wrong I was to take that job. I certainly don’t mean to trivialise your own situation by mentioning this but just wanted to let you know, I think we’ve all given people the benefit of the doubt when they didn’t deserve it xx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2015 at 8:38 pm

      Charlie,
      we are all given a 6th sense, which many of us do not utilize.
      I’ve learned to start utilizing mine! xxx

  • Reply
    Jeri
    July 15, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    The thing about all tragedies is we often don’t see them coming and don’t know what clues to look for until after the fact. Education is key and you are educating people in what to look for and having an impact. That matters so much.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 16, 2015 at 7:50 am

      Jeri,
      YES…education is KEY.
      For example, our family did no know that the
      most dangerous time for a woman was when she
      decided to leave the relationship.
      I can’t believe we didn’t know that…
      but now we can tell others about the signs, the mistakes, so they can empower themselves.

      xx

  • Reply
    Topaz
    July 15, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    Oh, my heart. I’m so sorry for your tragic loss. You are so brave to share your story, to share your sister’s story. I pray everyone listens and shares it with those they know who might be at risk. Sometimes we just have no idea how important the decision we are making today is. It’s scary. Sometimes we just don’t know. Hugs to you and your family.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 16, 2015 at 2:36 pm

      Topaz,
      thank you for your kind words and VOICE)) x

  • Reply
    Coffee and Crumpets
    July 16, 2015 at 12:10 am

    The human part of us, normal people, don’t think like that, we trust and love and believe and always have faith. You gave him the benefit of the doubt because you are a kind and loving family. You didn’t comprehend such violence and hatred exists.

    But I’m learning more and more that some people are just not nice. I have to say, it’s hard to trust these days.

    Wishing you tonnes of love. Xx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 16, 2015 at 7:52 am

      –I still agree w/ what Anne Frank said…
      “In the midst of everything, I still believe people are good at heart.”
      I must believe this to move forward.

      xxx

  • Reply
    Marie
    July 16, 2015 at 1:38 am

    “Kindness, empathy, and compassion also became her greatest weaknesses, and in the end, the parts of her that caused her to stay…” So beautifully & painfully true Kim.
    You were a kind and compassionate family too. You could not imagine such a monster could exist. You could only imagine the best for Kay. She was such a beautiful soul.
    Thank you to raise your voice again and again. People need to know. People need to be able to see the signs.

    I hate people begging for love, for a date. My ex husband was like this too. My first impression was “I am afraid of him”. My mum first impression was “he is completely crazy”. My sister tought “he is a bad man”. We should always believe our first impressions. I thought he would change. My and my sister alreay knew that these men don’t change. They are not like me. A bit less empathic or compassionate maybe.

    Keep raising your voice Kim. It is so important. Women whould know that they can leave, that they MUST leave. And that leaving is not being weak. They MATTER. Keep saying it till they get it, till people understand that THIS IS TRUE, that they MATTER and deserve THE BEST, only THE BEST.

    Love love love and a big hug crossing the ocean.
    xoxoxoxox

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 16, 2015 at 7:55 am

      ***My first impression was “I am afraid of him***

      We MUST utilize our 6th sense. This is from GOD!

      Did I ever tell you the first thing I said about Mike?

      Kay called me in the kitchen all excited and asked, “Well, Kimmie, What do you think of him?”
      I said, “He looks like a monster.”
      I did not know this would be a literal statement/observation.
      First instincts.
      Love flowing to Paris right now. xxxx

  • Reply
    Sandra
    July 16, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    I’m glad you shared. You (and by you, I mean the collective you,) wonder how these things gets started. I’m no fool though, I know it’s not because the woman was a weak woman, rather the man was a weak man. I think it’s so easy to fall down the rabbit hole in these situations. Again, I will never be able to tell you enough how sorry I am for yours and your family’s loss (I didn’t realize she had kids…fuck, eh…)

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 16, 2015 at 5:56 pm

      —Yes,
      a weak man. A very weak man.
      Any man who treats a woman badly, I consider WEAK.
      Sandra, Kay has 3 boys.
      Her youngest is in medical school.
      How are you? xx

  • Reply
    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
    July 16, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    I’m glad you are spreading awareness to help others. I was in a terrible relationship with a violent man when I was in my early twenties. Fortunately I was able to escape, but for years I continued to look over my shoulder–I knew he was quite capable of carrying out his threats.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 17, 2015 at 6:20 am

      Marcia,
      glad you left, darling.
      Kay was going to many times, but he begged her back and she went to him.
      In the end, he did not let her go.

      xxx

  • Reply
    hilary
    July 17, 2015 at 4:04 am

    I think what you do is so wonderful…. And I really believe you are saving people… love you

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 17, 2015 at 6:20 am

      Hilary,
      this is my prayer & goal.

      Love you back. xx

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    July 17, 2015 at 8:53 am

    Power to you, Kim! Thank you for sharing!!
    Angie

  • Reply
    Brooke
    July 18, 2015 at 7:44 am

    omg i love your blog. just subscribed! keep up the good work!

  • Reply
    Debbie D.
    July 18, 2015 at 9:33 am

    Kim; I hope your feelings of guilt will be somewhat assuaged by the tremendous good you are doing to promote awareness about domestic violence. As someone else said, hindsight is always 20/20. You and your family had the best of intentions, thinking love would help this man.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 18, 2015 at 1:36 pm

      I’ve accepted the guilt…and try to tell others about the signs!
      This is all I can do, Debbie. xx

  • Reply
    Philip Haros
    July 18, 2015 at 10:30 am

    I just love how powerful your blog and your words are! It is terrifying to think that someone can receive so much love and still do such an evil thing.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 18, 2015 at 1:37 pm

      Philip,
      I guess love wasn’t enough for him.

      xx

  • Reply
    Jennifer Wolfe
    July 18, 2015 at 7:01 pm

    I have no words of consolation…this was senseless and horrible and wrong and your strength to use your voice is powerful. Don’t stop.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 19, 2015 at 11:28 am

      Jennifer.
      I’ll never stop! People will get sick of me!! xx

  • Reply
    Lisa Gordon
    July 19, 2015 at 7:19 am

    This is so difficult to read but so VERY important to share.
    Thank you for doing so here, Kim.
    I pray that even one person can be spared what Kay and your family, was not spared.
    Sending you hugs sweet friend. xo.

  • Reply
    countingducks
    July 20, 2015 at 6:07 am

    As always its so heart-wrenching. Its so easy to be wise after the event, so I don’t think you have anything to hold against yourself or your parents. Also, its true, as it was at the time they met, that you were a normal loving and connected family, and knew he was a bit odd and needy, but that wayward crazy behaviour he showed later: very few people would consider that possible until it changed their lives.

    In hindsight we might recognise the signals, but at the time, and nearer our youth it would be more a matter of luck than judgement, which does not make what happened any easier to deal with but is worth remembering

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 20, 2015 at 7:36 am

      Peter,
      I see many things in hindsight.
      The goal of this post is that others SEE those signs EARLY & FLEE.

      How are you, London Man? xxx

  • Reply
    Kristi Campbell
    July 20, 2015 at 6:16 am

    Please please please find a way to let go of the guilt, Kim. Honestly, there’s no way that you or your family could have known how far he’d go and how is it possible to wrap your head around the fact that somebody you know and share pasta with is already dead inside? Sending so much love to you. xoxo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 20, 2015 at 7:38 am

      Kristi,
      the guilt is there, but I’m okay w/ that. I will use it to help others SEE the EARLY signs of control, abuse, & narcissism.

      This is my mission.

      When I unite w/ my sister again, we have MUCH to talk about!

      xx

  • Reply
    Liz
    July 20, 2015 at 7:07 pm

    Keep telling Kay’s story. Again and again and again. I know it will reach those who need to hear it. You ARE making a difference. Thank you for that. xo

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