In Memory of Kay Kim's Blogs

36 Things I’ve Learned Five Years After Your Murder


–He thought he could keep you dead and gone and silent and in the ground,  but you rise up every.  single.  day. —Kim Sisto Robinson

My sister was murdered by her husband on May 26, 2010. The world shook and darkened.

My sister was murdered by her husband on May 26, 2010. The world shook and darkened

 

  1. Crying outrageously with snot running down your face is completely normal.

 

 

  1. The soul leaves the body before you do.

 

 

  1. Even when you’re not listening, God still whispers your name.

 

 

  1. Writing words and sentences transforms the spirit into something fierce.

 

 

  1. Drinking a bottle of red wine a day helps numb the pain, (but it doesn’t last)

 

 

  1. You “Do Not” get over missing and mourning a loved one;  you only incorporate the loss, one way or another,  into your survival.

 

 

  1. When your sister is murdered, it’s not like losing an arm or a leg or a foot,   it’s like losing a heart, a soul, a childhood, an identity,  and your own blood.

 

 

  1. Staying silent about domestic abuse is like signing your own death certificate.  Don’t sign it.

 

 

  1. Have you heard about the sixth sense?   USE  IT!

 

 

  1. As Maya Angelou says, “When somebody tells you who they are the very first time, you’d better fucking believe them.”  ( she may not have said fucking )

 

 

  1. You cannot, I Repeat,  CANNOT,   change another person.  You can only change yourself.

 

 

  1. Darkness resides within insidious corners.

 

 

  1. The people you least expect to become angels will grow wings and fly directly into your grief.

 

 

  1. Family and friends are your oxygen.

 

 

  1.  God Is Not dead.

 

 

  1. The Devil is not dead.  He may be sitting at your kitchen table.

 

17.   Death is not the end.

 

18.  Even though my sister’s body is in the ground, she rises from the soil, the marble, the cemetery every. single.  day.

 

19.   There are worst things than dying.  For example,  living without purpose.

 

20.   Going insane tests a marriage to the max.   Mr.  Liverpool Stayed!

 

21.   Light overpowers darkness.

 

22.   Never go a day without telling & showing others how you feel about them.

 

23.   When another person makes you feel “Less Than,” this is abuse.  Don’t kid yourself.

 

24.     The purpose of life is not to serve yourself,  but to serve others.

 

25.     Your emptiness cannot be filled by the universe.

 

26.  You should only surround yourself with God loving, life changing, kick ass people who make you bloom, grow, love more, learn abundantly, and flourish often.

 

27.   A simple smell can put me over the edge. For example, sugar cookies baking in December.

 

28.  Coming undone is not the definition of weakness.

 

29.   Not acknowledging another person’s pain is like inserting salt inside an open wound.

 

30.   We are given a voice to utilize it, share it,  connect with others,  and tell our stories. ( Do Not Stop telling your stories,  darlings.)

 

31.  NEVER. Evvvvvvvver.  allow another person to disrespect,  belittle, demean, minimize,  or bully you into what you were meant to be.

 

32.  In the midst of black and claws and fangs and fog, there is sun and soft breezes and warm kisses and flickers of light.

 

33.   Nobody…In a million years will ever replace my sister.

 

34.  This earth is not my home.

 

35.  No matter what you’ve been through, you have the POWER to change the world Exactly.  Where.  You.  Are.  Standing.

 

36.  The deeper you love, the harder you fall,  but I’d do it over again and again and again…

 

—–Darling,  Reader,  how are you making a difference?  What are some lessons you’ve learned along the way?

 

—-Help For Domestic Abuse:  CLICK HERE 

 

Call Now.  Do Not Wait:

1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)


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107 Comments

  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    May 26, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    Dear Kim, such powerful statements – such moving words…I am thinking of you and your family on this very special and important day. I am in awe of all that you have accomplished, of our continued strength, your words, your message…keep up all the incredibly important work that you do!
    How I am making a difference? I hope that I am making some difference with my volunteer work. But the days never seem to be long enough to get all the things done that I would like to get done…
    Wrapping my arms around you and thinking of you, especially today.
    Take the best care of yourself as possible, dear friend.
    Andrea

  • Reply
    Dana
    May 26, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    Thinking about you today…many times during the day…DM xoxo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 27, 2015 at 4:54 am

      Dana Moore,
      you get me. you really get me. Xxx LOVE!!!

  • Reply
    Joan Peterson
    May 26, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    I’m thinking of you and your family. Five years is a long time and yet it’s just yesterday. Expressing these powerful thoughts and emotions doesn’t make the pain and loss go away but it makes you a bit saner for having put it on paper so others can join you and lift you up. Love you Kim.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 27, 2015 at 4:54 am

      Yes,
      just yesterday, darling Joan. You know, right? xxx

  • Reply
    Barbara Hammond
    May 26, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    Powerful words, Kim. Think of all the awareness you have roused in the past five years, the lives you may have saved. That is powerful. Oh, and I heard Maya swore like a mother fucker!
    xoxoxob

  • Reply
    Pat
    May 26, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    So well said, Kim. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. Don’t know what I would do without the hope of Heaven.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 4:39 am

      I agree, Pat.
      I am looking forward to reuniting w/ Kay!!! xx

  • Reply
    Trish
    May 26, 2015 at 1:03 pm

    Every number of the list resonates for someone reading this. Thank you for sharing.
    I am sending extra loving vibes to Duluth today for you and your family. Thinking of you.

  • Reply
    totsymae1011
    May 26, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    You know, Kim. I’ve only one sister, who’s my only sibling. While she gets on my nerves and pisses me off every now and again, I’d be so devastated should somebody snatch that away from me by taking her life. You have great courage to speak and share your feelings. I know your family hasn’t been the same since all this happened. But yes, we learn a lot in the darkest times even.

    Blessings and a big hug to you.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 4:40 am

      Tots,
      I NEVER thought or imaged I’d have to live w/out Kay.
      I am.
      And sometimes it SUCKS.

      xxx go kiss your sister.

  • Reply
    Carla
    May 26, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. # 22 spoke to me. “Never go a day without telling & showing others how you feel about them”.

    I was made aware recently that my step children did not know that I love them. They didn’t think I hated or disliked them, but they didn’t know that I LOVE them. I made a conscious decision to make sure they hear the words come out of my mouth when we were together this weekend. I shouldn’t have assumed they knew.

    Kim your words are powerful.

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    May 26, 2015 at 1:27 pm

    Hugs.
    Hurting for you, hurting with you. Always.

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    May 26, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    I had too many #’s I agreed with so I’ll just go with #22. I love you, Miss Kim. From the very bottom of my soul. The first song playing on my latest post is for you, because I do and I will, always.

    Hmm lessons learned. I’ve learned that no matter what you’ve gone through, no matter how anguishing the pain, there is always someone out there who’s gone through much worse than you (not you personally, but collective you). I remember hearing a woman’s story and thought, “Wow, at least that didn’t happen to me, maybe I’d better get up and go on!” It changed my life. Pain is pain no matter what it is. It all hurts. But like #19, if you live without purpose then you let the one who tried to destroy you win. GET UP.

    I don’t know that I’ve made a difference but I try to encourage.

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    May 26, 2015 at 1:50 pm

    I had to come back here after seeing my Quote for the Day in my email – it fits YOU:

    There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights. — Bram Stoker

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 4:42 am

      OMGOSH,
      I shall use that quote. I love it, sweet Nan. xxx

  • Reply
    Debra Reilly
    May 26, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    Oh my gosh Kim!!!
    That was the best!
    My heart feels dread, sadness, fear, I pray, care for others, I can’t get enough of loved ones, prayer, and above all God ! Thanks for being you! ❤️
    Your cousin

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 4:42 am

      Deb,
      you’re heart is the size of Montana!! xxx luv u.

  • Reply
    Brenda Lee
    May 26, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    Sending hugs your way. I know words can’t ease the pain but know you are loved by many. xoox

  • Reply
    Tia
    May 26, 2015 at 4:09 pm

    Love you

  • Reply
    Lisa Gordon
    May 26, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    Sending hugs your way, sweet friend.
    You are truly such an inspiration, and such a beautiful soul. xo.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 4:44 am

      Lisa,
      thank you so much for your support and kindness. xxx I miss your blog.

  • Reply
    Karen Sosnoski
    May 26, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    Can’t believe it has been five years since this nightmare unfolded for you and your family. I’ve learned as your reader that hearing and acknowledging another’s pain however awkwardly is always better than silence or covering up. I love your voice, am happy that Mr. L. is there to support you, am proud to know someone that survives with her openness and love for others intact. I’ll be reading you in another five years etc. xo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 4:44 am

      Karen,
      And you were there from the very beginning. How WONDEFUL of you. Thank you. xxxxx

  • Reply
    Carrie Rubin
    May 26, 2015 at 5:12 pm

    A painful anniversary for sure. Your points are well taken. I especially like this one: “Family and friends are your oxygen.”

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 4:45 am

      Carrie,
      what, oh what, do people do without family & GOD? xx

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    May 26, 2015 at 5:15 pm

    I love you forever and always . k
    Xoxoxo

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    May 26, 2015 at 8:18 pm

    Painful lessons! Hugs.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 4:46 am

      Lady Fi,
      hugs flowing back to you across the ocean. xx

  • Reply
    Jeri
    May 26, 2015 at 9:31 pm

    All statement we can ponder and connect to. #23 gets to me a lot. I never would have pegged myself in some kind of abusive relationship, but it was mentally and oh how I was made to feel “less than” for nothing that was my doing at all. It’s going to take a lifetime to understand, and so we keep telling our stories and fighting for ourselves and others.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 4:47 am

      you know what, Jeri?
      We didn’t know that verbal and emotional abuse was “ABUSE.”
      It makes you small small small.

      xxx

  • Reply
    Anna @ shenANNAgans
    May 26, 2015 at 9:56 pm

    Giant squishy hugs and a truck load of love headed across the oceans to you, because #22 is the most important point in my world today. Thank you!

    Nothing ground breaking happening in my world, so wouldn’t think I am making too much of a difference, but I have made a number of people smile …. So that’s something!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 27, 2015 at 4:43 am

      Making people SMILE is making a difference, darling!!! xxxx

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    May 26, 2015 at 10:08 pm

    37. Life does go on, regardless. It is up to us to live it well. Or not.

    36 solid truths, Kim! Loss is hardest to bear and it can be life-sucking. Yet, there are so many reasons to move on – the love we have, for example.

    Keep writing. I wait for your book, Kim.

    Love you more than a field of sunflowers turning their faces up to the sun in happiness.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 4:48 am

      Vidya,
      love you more than warm sun kissing my face in May. xxxx

  • Reply
    Monica
    May 26, 2015 at 10:57 pm

    Sending you hugs and loving wishes on this day. For me Memorial Day weekend was when I lost my mother. It’s been decades, but the sorrow is still palpable.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 2:35 pm

      Monica,
      one NEVER forgets, Right?
      Do you usually do something special on that day? xx

  • Reply
    Jann
    May 27, 2015 at 12:01 am

    I’m always amazed, Kim, at the wisdom you’ve gleaned from your tragedy. Please keep sharing it forever and ever.
    This was chilling:
    “The Devil is not dead. He may be sitting at your kitchen table.”
    I also love your warning to use the “sixth sense.” Yes! So easy to ignore it.
    Much love to you and your beautiful family on this painful anniversary. xxxxxxxoooooo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 2:36 pm

      Jann,
      as always, your words warm me. xx Love flowing to Sicily.

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    May 27, 2015 at 3:39 am

    Sending hugs and love to you, my dear friend.

  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    May 27, 2015 at 4:00 am

    I hope Kim, I live well and tell my story even when it hurts like hell to do so. That is how I make I difference. Sometimes I am guilty I survived, other times I stand am victorious and want to scream at the world.

    These, all of them are powerful. I send you the only thing I have hugs.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 2:36 pm

      Val,
      you are making a difference, my dear. What Passion you have! xxx

  • Reply
    Carrie
    May 27, 2015 at 7:42 am

    I have no words just know I care. It has been 5 years since I left my abuser and it was reading your words, your raw honesty that gave me the strength to carry on and find my best self. Know you are changing the world and saving lives. Much love to you Kim.

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    May 27, 2015 at 8:55 am

    From tragedy rises a profound definition of living… you have outlined it perfectly and poignantly as always, my love.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 2:37 pm

      Thank you, as always,
      for your beautiful words, Chris. xxx

  • Reply
    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
    May 27, 2015 at 9:09 am

    Wonderful advice and so powerful.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 2:38 pm

      Marcia,
      thank you so much for commenting & clicking over to my virtual reality. xx

  • Reply
    Sammie
    May 27, 2015 at 10:11 am

    This is too sad to read 🙁

  • Reply
    Debbie
    May 27, 2015 at 10:48 am

    Kim, this is spectacular! When I started reading, I thought I’d pick out a few of your points to let you know which ones rang particularly true for me, but I can’t. Every last one does!! Every. Last. One. xoxo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 2:51 pm

      Thank you, Debbie, for all of your comments and encouragement. xx

  • Reply
    lisa thomson
    May 27, 2015 at 11:31 am

    OMG, Kim this is incredible and powerful. A beautiful tribute to Kay, right here! I loved all of this list but this one “Staying silent about domestic abuse is like signing your own death certificate. Don’t sign it.” is like a sword of truth. We must listen and speak! Your power is doubled with Kay right with you, helping you take those steps everyday.

    I’m sending you hugs and love today <3

  • Reply
    Dana
    May 27, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    We are given a voice, and you use yours so beautifully and purposefully, Kim. Thinking of you and your family x0x0

  • Reply
    Sandra
    May 27, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    I’ve learned that I am as happy as I allow myself to be. Also, the cavalry isn’t coming, only I can save myself.

  • Reply
    Liz
    May 27, 2015 at 6:30 pm

    I am in awe of how you have taken such a tragedy and turned to help others so brilliantly with your words. SO many important lessons in this post. Thinking of you, my friend.

  • Reply
    Kristi Campbell
    May 27, 2015 at 7:15 pm

    We DO have the power to change the world. Every day. Hugs and kisses to you and keep up the goodness – you are helping people. I know it.

  • Reply
    Shay from Trashy Blog
    May 27, 2015 at 8:05 pm

    Kim…

    …once again, I am ;breathless after reading your words. YOU are an angel who spoke directly to so many things I’ve been worrying over lately. THANK YOU once again.

    • Reply
      Shay from Trashy Blog
      May 27, 2015 at 8:07 pm

      By the way, I shared so that others could benefit from your words. Thanks again!

      • Reply
        My Inner Chick
        May 28, 2015 at 8:13 pm

        Shay,
        thank you for sharing. It is much appreciated. xxx

  • Reply
    hilary
    May 28, 2015 at 3:44 am

    I love this line, Kim “The people you least expect to become angels will grow wings and fly directly into your grief.”

    It is so true.. you never really know people… and sometimes those you think are the closest to you disappoint you and don’t understand and then others shock you with their compassion…

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 28, 2015 at 8:14 pm

      Hilary,
      I know. It’s weird, isn’t it? The people you least expect are at your door w/ love love love. xx

  • Reply
    Totally Caroline
    May 28, 2015 at 7:15 am

    Beautifully written Chicky, I feel some of the things you wrote very deeply
    p.s. I am an ugly cryer too LOL

  • Reply
    Lorraine @Not Quite Nigella
    May 28, 2015 at 8:18 am

    Thinking about you today Kim. I hope that you get some tight hugs and love xxx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 29, 2015 at 4:44 am

      Lots of hugs, lots of love.
      thank u, sweet L. xxx

  • Reply
    Marie
    May 28, 2015 at 8:34 am

    “In the midst of black and claws and fangs and fog, there is sun and soft breezes and warm kisses and flickers of light”. Oh yes, this is GRACE Kim.
    Love flowing to you my friend…

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 29, 2015 at 4:45 am

      Marie,
      I talked about you in my interview. About the cards you sent from Paris. xxx

      • Reply
        marie
        June 10, 2015 at 1:45 am

        You are the MOST FABULOUS LADY I Know!
        Be Blessed Kim.
        xxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Janine Huldie
    May 28, 2015 at 9:48 am

    At almost 38 years old, I have lost family members, but not my sibling. So, I can’t even begin to imagine and just reading all you have been through since the loss of your sister made me wish I could reach through this computer to give you a great, big hug. Thank you so much for sharing and absolutely beautifully put into words here.

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    May 28, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    You are such a leader, Kim. Your words, your commitment, your love speak worlds. Thank you for sharing yourself so generously with us. xx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 29, 2015 at 4:46 am

      Narelle,
      your support is priceless. thank you. xxxx

  • Reply
    don
    May 28, 2015 at 7:19 pm

    I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t have pretty enough words to make it any less, unfortunately.

    I agree that our soul leaves before we do…or that it can, and I think pieces of our soul do leave for sure, especially when we experience something as awful as your family. As a police officer in an urban area, I’ve seen so so much tragedy, and it breaks my heart to see how people can treat other human beings. It’s just a coincidence that I had the opportunity to talk to young police recruits today about Battered Spouse Syndrome. I sometimes forget how young these recruits are and that this sort of stuff is new to most of them. They were all spellbound by the whole notion of domestic abuse and the examples that I shared from my own career. Tragic, really.

    It’s great that you are able to write to make a difference. Keep that shit up.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 29, 2015 at 4:51 am

      —–Don,
      I love that you are making a difference out there.
      Thank you for your service and educating other men about this…And women! xx

  • Reply
    Gary
    May 28, 2015 at 8:03 pm

    Dear Kim,

    On your anniversary of poignant pain, you continue to be the voice of passion and belief. Eloquently stated, my dear friend. Your undaunting faith in your god is remarkable.

    Hugs and hope,

    Gary xx

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    May 29, 2015 at 4:43 am

    “Your emptiness cannot be filled by the universe”

    Know that the universe is being filled with her – through words, memories – there’s a ripple effect going on each time Kay’s memory is shared, when your pain is shared, when someone reads your words and prays for you and for all the Kay’s in this world…when someone is that Kay and say’s “This is enough”

    I don’t know what I would do if I lost my sister Kim. I really don’t. Especially if it was in such a horrific way. Just know that my heart hurts for you when I read this, and it burns with anger with you and it rises with you. A sister’s love is like no other.
    I love you xoxooxox

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 29, 2015 at 4:48 am

      —-We. Rise.
      Your words make me rise higher, K.
      Love you, too. xx

  • Reply
    Amy Tong
    May 29, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Thank you for sharing what you’ve learn. I always learn so much from you from reading your posts and powerful messages. 🙂 I’m always thankful for your generosity to share. Have a lovely weekend.

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    May 29, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    What a comprehensive list of everything someone would experience when forced into a situation of loss such as this. Good on you for being your sister’s voice and for helping others in similar circumstances xx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      May 31, 2015 at 5:19 am

      Charlie,
      I shall always be her voice))) xx kissss

  • Reply
    Porkstar
    May 30, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    Even after years of things happening, it does definitely hurt. In your particular situation, i think even more and it’s totally understandable. Big hugs.

  • Reply
    Alison
    June 1, 2015 at 1:04 am

    You are amazing and graceful and full of love. xo

  • Reply
    Mandy
    June 1, 2015 at 2:22 am

    I can never say this enough – YOU ARE AWESOME! Kim, my dear, you are the most remarkable woman with a talent for putting words together that touch our souls in ways that make a world of a difference.
    Love, love, love to you and your beautiful family.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo

  • Reply
    julie gardner
    June 3, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    Your fierce sister-love is beyond compare.
    It’s like a force that pulls itself right out of the computer and sits beside me while I read your words.
    I feel it.
    You give it life.
    I’m still so sorry.

  • Reply
    bluecottonmemory
    June 6, 2015 at 11:31 am

    There’s so much grace in here – so much faith in the hard – like a flower blooming from cracks in the broken pavement – and such wisdom so full of heart and resurrection! I love how you fight this loss – how you are redeeming it!

  • Reply
    countingducks
    June 7, 2015 at 7:34 am

    I especially love No 2o, but these points are brief and collectively very moving and thought -provoking as always

  • Reply
    Renee Johnson
    June 8, 2015 at 3:38 am

    Another moving post, but one thing in particular resounded with me as I too have always believed there are worst things than death. I suppose it would be impossible for me not to believe that after my father’s suicide. We are their voices, you and I. You’ve always had yours, I’m just growing into that part of mine. Love and hugs!!!

  • Reply
    Sandra
    June 8, 2015 at 12:02 pm

    I know you hear this over and over again, and i certainly hope you believe it because we, your readers need you to know, that you never cease to inspire. You are a warrior and make me want to make a difference. I love you always.

  • Reply
    Minnesota Prairie Roots
    June 11, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    Do you have any idea how powerful your words are, how encouraging and uplifting and hopeful? God bless you for writing like you do with depth and honesty and emotion. You are making a difference.

    While grieving never ends, you have used these past five years to honor your sister in the best way possible, through your inspiring and enlightening words.

    Many hugs.

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