Kim's Blogs

Jesus & Words


JESUS002
 
Recently I was asked,  “Kim,  who is your savior?” 
 

 
After hesitating for a few seconds, maybe more, I said,  “Jesus and Words.”  Thus,  that’s how it’s been my entire existence. 
 
Composing letters inside my head, syllables, the movement of language, the beat, alliteration, symbolism, the poetry, oh, god, the poetry is like painting with colors of sun and moon, dark and light.  Stars.  Wild flowers.  Tribulations.  Resurrections. Shades of green.  
 
More often than not, my process is not controlled. I despise being boxed up, shut up. No! I want to splash and throw paint hard against blank canvas like Pollack. I want to distort faces, dangle breasts and limbs in air like Picasso. I want to become the wave, the ink, the change that rolls over ignorance and conformity. I want the words to melt upon my tongue like communion.  Here, open your mouth.  Take this bread.  Drink this wine.
 
I want to become Plath without open ovens and Woolf without rocks in her pockets.
 
My mother said as a young child,  I’d cart a tablet around jotting down notes while strolling around the house.  “Really?” I asked.  “What the heck was I writing?”
 
“Words.”  She answered.  “Words and rhyme and ideas.”
 
I wish I would’ve saved those tablets.  Perhaps I’d have an inkling into my psyche today, my longing to be filled up. Perhaps I’d understand how the words continually saved me like food and drink and air and Jesus.
 
Halleluiah.
 
After my sister’s murder,  I couldn’t breathe.  I was masked with blackness.  I was nobody.  I was nothing; a gray stone sinking to the bottom of a deep, dark water. 
 
But through the shadows, I heard a voice urging me to rise. RISE.
 
Get up.  Write. 
 
 Just. Write. 
 
I did.  And even my organs emptied out.
 
I wanted to smell everything, taste everything, feel everything.  I, at least, should experience pain like my sister did while she was living.
 
Writing allows this.
 
Two weeks after my sister’s murder, I wrote:
 
***We were intertwined, tangled, contained by one another’s roots, veins. Your heart beats inside my heart. Your blood flows thru my blood. Everything can stop in one minute. All things can darken and dim in one minute. Life can lesson and swell into a million narrowed, rotten, insidious fucking minutes. O’ how I loathe those minutes, darling. Every. Single. Day.***
 
I’d forgotten how to pray.  I’d forgotten how to live.
 
But Jesus gave me words and those words delivered me from ovens and rocks and drowning.
 
Thank you!      Thank you!       Thank you!
 
This is my prayer.
 
This is how I worship.
 
Amen.

——Darling, Reader, what are you thankful for today?


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42 Comments

  • Reply
    julie gardner
    April 15, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    “I want to become Plath without open ovens and Woolf without rocks in her pockets.”
    Perfectly said.

    When I was a toddler, before I’d started preschool, I would take my baby book (still unfilled) and a crayon and scrawl inside the pages. My mom says I told her I was writing a book.

    So I suppose I began writing before I knew how. Before I could remember.
    It’s always been there.

    I’m so glad you have your words.
    julie gardner recently posted..The Unraveling of Mercy Louis: Book Review and GiveawayMy Profile

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    April 15, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    “…poetry is like painting with colors of sun and moon, dark and light. Stars. Wild flowers.” YES, exactly! It truly is all those things and more. Your way with words inspires me, changes me, illuminates me, creates me, hovers over me – I am blessed by you.

    What am I thankful for? Your e-friendship. My amazing Alpha Hubby (and Alpha Son). Freedom to express myself any way I want to. That my life is like a Disney cartoon (the good ones), full of joy, birds landing in my hair singing to me, mice making my dress! And most of all that I am finding myself again after a few years of being lost.
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..I Really Just Love HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debra
    April 15, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    Love this post. Beautiful beyond words. Especially love the line: “I want to become Plath without open ovens and Woolf without rocks in her pocket.”

    When I read this, my first thought was the quote by C.S. Lewis, “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

    And when you said, “Thank you! (3 times) it reminded me of Anne Lamott’s words: “Here are the two best prayers I know: ‘Help me, help me, help me,’ and ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you.’ ”
    Debra recently posted..No Fast Food Lane for SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Tia
    April 15, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    I love you

  • Reply
    debbie
    April 15, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    I’m thankful Kim that I am here……and thankful for my children, husband and family.
    debbie recently posted..Sour Cream Steusel Coffee CakeMy Profile

  • Reply
    lisa thomson-the great escape
    April 15, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    You worship through writing, Kim. It’s to the great benefit of many! We all benefit from your words and you’re bringing awareness to such an important issue. It’s how you put those words together, like Picasso or Pollock. Wild! Free! Colorful!
    lisa thomson-the great escape recently posted..Narcissists In Relationships-5 Scary FactsMy Profile

  • Reply
    William Dameron
    April 15, 2015 at 6:05 pm

    I am thankful that I found the words, like you. I am also so thankful that our words found each other. 🙂
    William Dameron recently posted..The Martin GuitarMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kristi Campbell
    April 15, 2015 at 8:23 pm

    Words. Amen. The telling and the writing and the feeling of them. Words. They’re everything. So much love to you sent from here, my sweet one. Keep writing. Always. You help people. Your words matter. So so much.
    Kristi Campbell recently posted..Special Needs, Tae Kwon Do, and A Book!My Profile

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    April 15, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    Wow! Did ever any human being write with such heart before?

    Today, I’m thankful for my mother. We’ve been through many ups and downs, and we’re still doing our best. xx

  • Reply
    Anna @ shenANNAgans
    April 15, 2015 at 9:58 pm

    I am thankful I have wonderful and inspiring woman in my world like you, that my Momma made me soup cause I dont feel great, that my work email inbox is empty cause I crushed my jobs and most of all, I only have 2 hours before home time. #boom

    Happy weekend to you lovely. xoxo
    Anna @ shenANNAgans recently posted..QT Canberra ‘Gals Only’ ExperienceMy Profile

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    April 15, 2015 at 10:13 pm

    Oh, I hate being boxed up too!
    ladyfi recently posted..Tiny beautiesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    April 15, 2015 at 10:38 pm

    I am so grateful that you found the light and even more grateful that you continue to challenge/throw rocks at/defy the darkness.
    Hugs.
    Elephant’s Child recently posted..Sunday Selections #219My Profile

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    April 15, 2015 at 10:40 pm

    Today I am thankful for my Mother. If she had lived she would have been 70 yesterday. I am thankful for the memories and love in my heart.

    i am thankful that we’re connected. And words are the superglue that bind us.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..Make MemoriesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mandy
    April 16, 2015 at 1:38 am

    You are the most inspiring woman! You are AWESOME!
    Love to you my darling Kim.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
    Mandy recently posted..Addo Elephant National Park – Picture overloadMy Profile

  • Reply
    hilary
    April 16, 2015 at 3:40 am

    I’m always amazed at how powerful writing is…. It is almost like breathing…
    hilary recently posted..Mother’s little helper….My Profile

  • Reply
    Jann
    April 16, 2015 at 5:17 am

    Your words fill the air, Kim, like a big strong gust. They blow me away!!! xxxxxx
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  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    April 16, 2015 at 5:49 am

    Oh gosh how I love this…

    Yes! YES YES YES…!!!!!

    I have words and Jesus too.

    I’m pretty sure both saved me growing up.

    Your words have an aroma like none other. Your words are exquisite. I hope you are writing a book…
    Chris Carter recently posted..Teachers…They Are InvaluableMy Profile

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    April 16, 2015 at 6:41 am

    You are so inspiring, Kim.
    Angie@Angie’s Recipes recently posted..Coconut White Chocolate Shortbread with Einkorn and OatsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    April 16, 2015 at 7:30 am

    “I despise being boxed up, shut up. No! I want to splash and throw paint hard against blank canvas like Pollack. I want to distort faces, dangle breasts and limbs in air like Picasso. I want to become the wave, the ink, the change that rolls over ignorance and conformity”

    I drooled over this – this entire post.
    Without writing Kim, I’d be lost.
    Reading other people’s words, your words like above…and grabbing hold of it and feeling the immense power gives me power. Like f*ck yes. RISE.
    I love the shit out of you.
    xoxo
    Kimberly recently posted..Sugar WastedMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie
    April 16, 2015 at 8:15 am

    Kim, you’re my hero (heroine). You’re not afraid to put it ALL out there, to empty the well of creativity, to write words that touch others’ hearts. It takes a LOT of bravery to do that, my friend. No wonder you’re healing! I’ve always thought bottling up powerful emotions leads to lots of problems, both physical and mental. Hugs to you from gloomy Central Illinois! xoxo
    Debbie recently posted..Here a Scam, There a ScamMy Profile

  • Reply
    Dad
    April 16, 2015 at 10:30 am

    Kim, you are super with words. and you will never go wrong with Jesus in your heart.

    Love You So Much
    Dad

  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    April 16, 2015 at 7:41 pm

    I am thankful to be alive to see all my wishes fulfilled. God gave me a lot of years to live a happy life after a near death experience. He was holding me when my car somersaulted three times…that is how He showed me His love…that is the love of God.
    Balroop Singh recently posted..When We Gather The Courage To Step Out Of Our Comfort Zone…My Profile

  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    April 17, 2015 at 6:07 am

    Like you, I always wrote words. Sometimes the words had no connection, to each other or even to me except they did I just didn’t understand it. My father told me he found words scrawled in the closet of my childhood bedroom, where I often hid after I had run away for the last time. He told me he didn’t understand them until years later when I finally told him the story of my childhood.

    I love this one. I love you. I love I found you and that you remind me there is more, there is strength and hope.

  • Reply
    Deborah Batterman
    April 17, 2015 at 9:24 am

    Today I’m thankful to be looking out through a clear new window that has replaced an old one in my house. It may seem like a surface thing to appreciate, but there really is much more to renovation than meets the eye.. At the very least, I learn that things do not necessarily happen in the time frame you think they should. It’s a wisdom I try to apply to everything in my life.
    Deborah Batterman recently posted..A Super Bad Hair DayMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jeri
    April 17, 2015 at 8:14 pm

    Writing carries such healing forces when we can let it unleash from within us. I always fight the self-editing urge, but more and more, I making myself do just that: just write and just feel the words.
    Jeri recently posted..#AuthorChat: Margaret Atwood “Expression and the Power of Words”My Profile

  • Reply
    Totally Caroline
    April 18, 2015 at 5:07 am

    You have the most beautiful soul. You show it so well with your words. Sometimes being able to feel so much and so deeply hurts like hell, but gosh does it make us beautiful <3
    Totally Caroline recently posted..Street Art and Burgers: Ft Lauderdale EditionMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    April 18, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    We have so much to be thankful for you’re absolutely right Kim. The fact that we live with the basics means that we have so much more than a lot of the world. I hope you are all my lovely? And yes in answer to your question on my blog, I am absolutely excited about S3 of OITNB especially once I saw the trailer.
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..Low Fat Anzac Biscuit GranolaMy Profile

  • Reply
    Gary Sidley
    April 19, 2015 at 3:07 am

    I, like numerous others, am so grateful you chose to express your inner world through writing.
    Gary Sidley recently posted..I’m a weight Nazi!My Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie D.
    April 19, 2015 at 6:56 am

    Writing is cathartic and you have been blessed with so much talent for it, Kim. Your passion shines through on every word! Definitely something to be thankful for. I started writing as a child, to escape my parents’ drama and it helped a lot. I’m thankful for that too and for my husband, who puts up with my eccentricities. 🙂
    Debbie D. recently posted..#AtoZChallenge: P is for PEDANTICMy Profile

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    April 19, 2015 at 4:49 pm

    It sounds like your mother is gifted with words as well. I can imagine you must have gone to a very dark place after the senseless and premeditated murder of your beautiful and innocent sister. Good on you for climbing out of the pit of despair and sharing your journey with us xx
    Hotly Spiced recently posted..Ruby Has RalliedMy Profile

  • Reply
    Annette Molitor
    April 19, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    Dear Kim,

    I’m thankful for Jesus and his unconditional love. For the fur angels he’s graced me with. For silly thoughts that I put to paper. For contagious writers that make my pen want to dance in a different direction. (That includes you Dear). For your blog that has helped me to cry because OH GOD! I needed to cry. The FUCKING DEVIL that was like demonic sand paper to my spirit has no power over me. Only giggles to my soul as on occasion I copy and paste his photo to a word document and dress him up like a baby, put a butt on his head, call him butt-head and send it to my sis, next project is devil horns. Ha ha.

    I love that you shared that you wrote words as a kid. When I was a kid I wrote silly rhyming poems and signed them The Bewildered Poet.

    Blessings to you,

    Little Chickie

  • Reply
    Amy Tong
    April 19, 2015 at 10:15 pm

    Love your prayer….and love the way you write and inspire others. 🙂 I’m truly thankful for my family and friends.
    Amy Tong recently posted..Angry Birds Piggy French MacaronsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Tamara
    April 20, 2015 at 4:58 am

    Holy cow – I really felt those words. Writing is my savior too – it always has been. And as a kid, YES. Jotting down notes. I had a big mess of post-it notes stuck to everything. Even my body!
    This is my first time here, so I don’t know a lot about you or your sister.. yet.
    And I don’t have Jesus as my savior – I was born and raised Jewish and even that is a bit suspect – but I do really feel your words of prayer.
    Tamara recently posted..No Really, It’s Sandals Season!My Profile

  • Reply
    Dana
    April 20, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    Your words are a gift – to you and to us. Never stop writing them, Kim.
    Dana recently posted..The endMy Profile

  • Reply
    Porkstar
    April 20, 2015 at 6:32 pm

    Wow, such a pretty and inspiring post. I can’t imagine what you went through regarding what happened to sis.
    Lots of positive vibes to you. 🙂
    Porkstar recently posted..My thoughts on hipstersMy Profile

  • Reply
    Renee Johnson
    April 21, 2015 at 3:19 am

    “We were intertwined, tangled, contained by one another’s roots, veins. Your heart beats inside my heart. Your blood flows thru my blood.” — just beautiful, my lovely friend. You have taken your pain and turned into beauty. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!
    Renee Johnson recently posted..JACK SONNI — ROCKER, WRITER, GENTLEMAN CHEF!My Profile

  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    April 22, 2015 at 3:43 am

    Dear kim, such powerful words – I LOVE reading your posts over and over again while the house is still quiet early in the morning or when I am alone – I need to treasure everything you write.
    So much to be grateful for – the most amazing husband, my wonderful children and being alive…
    Hugs and much love,
    Andrea

  • Reply
    marie
    April 22, 2015 at 6:03 am

    “Get up. Write.
    Just. Write. ”
    There is nothing truer than this Kim. Jesus gives us these words to remain alive. We use them to let go, to rise. Words against pain. Good words win all the time. Your words are the greateast!
    Sending much love your way. xxxxxx
    marie recently posted..Live with passionMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sandra
    April 25, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    I am thankful for the two words, “I am”.
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  • Reply
    Charlene Ross
    April 29, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    Your words are so beautiful Kim. Never stop writing them. I am so glad they have saved you.
    Charlene Ross recently posted..So I Kind of Co-Wrote This Book…My Profile

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