In Memory of Kay Kim's Blogs

1770 Days Since My Sister’s Murder


 

I love you,  K.

I love you, K.

 

Want to know the truest truth?

 

You are never prepared for death,  never ready for that call,  “Have you heard the news?” You are never equipped for doctors in ugly white coats to walk into a waiting room informing you that your sister is dead— lying on a stainless steel table with three bullet holes in her head.

 

 

No.      Never.    Ready.

 

I think they should prepare you, warn you,  give you a book of poetry by Maria Rilke.

 

Before us great Death stands Our fate held close within his quiet hands.

When with proud joy we lift Life’s red wine To drink deep of the mystic shining cup

And ecstasy through all our being leaps— Death bows his head and weeps.

 

I think they should present rich red wine in elegant flute glasses,  brie cheese,  and granny blankets stitched with patched flannel squares to keep you warm, remind you of your childhood.  I think they should read to you softly from the Psalms, or hire a singer to sing- ‘Take Me To The King  I think they should ease you into it, bring you down slowly, sweetly, whisper the life-changing words in lyrical verse.

 

How can they simply utter, “She is dead.  She is gone. She cannot be saved” so casually,   routinely?   How can a heart beat one minute and stop beating the next minute?  How can an existence transform that quickly?

 

Sometimes I can’t wrap this new reality around my brain, my ridiculous brain, my oh-so- human brain.  I can only insert the pain in intervals like small drops of fire.  Sometimes  in my dreams,  I see my sister flying thru air;  her auburn hair tangled inside my hair,  her breath warm against my cheek.  She smells like wind and pine and spring simmering.  She is smiling a large pink smile with her arms lifting and rising like wings…

 

And she is saying,   “I’ll be waiting for you.”

 

——Darling,  Reader,  Happy Easter!   I want you to know I believe in the Resurrection.  I believe this is not my home. And I thank God for that. It gives me great joy knowing I’ll be united with my dear Kay one day.  I visualize running to her in slow motion… hugging,  kissing.  I have so much to tell her!

Enjoy your families over the holiday,  darlings.  That’s what I’ll be doing!      xxXX


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48 Comments

  • Reply
    Tia
    April 3, 2015 at 1:26 pm

    I love you

  • Reply
    Tia
    April 3, 2015 at 1:27 pm

    I love you

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    April 3, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.
    And chocolate.
    Elephant’s Child recently posted..NaNoReMoMy Profile

  • Reply
    lisa thomson-the great escape
    April 3, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    “I can only insert the pain in intervals like small drops of fire.” How painful that must be, Kim. I wouldn’t have the strength nor the pain tolerance to get through what you have. As always, your words ‘heal’ where the drops of fire have been.

  • Reply
    Nikky44
    April 3, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    Happy Easter <3 <3
    Nikky44 recently posted..Gratitude Day 8: Happy Birthday M…….My Profile

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    April 3, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    What a beautiful and heartbreaking and heart-lifting post – I do agree with you that they should train people to be more compassionate when they have to break that news to loved ones. I like your way so much better than, “She’s dead, she died. Sorry for your loss” as they walk away from you after slapping you in the face with those words.

    But the ending of your post – SO WONDERFUL! And so true. And I, for one, can’t wait to meet her and tell her how amazing her sister Kim is. She knows but I still want to tell her.
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..Love Doesn’t HurtMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie Reilly
    April 3, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    Oh Kim,
    Praise God for the Ressurection! It’s my only hope as I live in this world! I will enjoy my family and friends!
    I love you! Debbie

  • Reply
    Carrie
    April 3, 2015 at 4:39 pm

    Kim, Have a wonderful Easter with your family. Your post, as always touched my heart and it carries such an important message to victims of abuse. YES he can and could kill you, get out!

  • Reply
    Susan Boswell
    April 3, 2015 at 6:26 pm

    Happy Easter Kim. I am so thankful you are here to remember Kay and celebrate the resurrection. There was a time I didnt know if you would make it. Yea, one day you will be reunited and she will be so proud of you!!!

  • Reply
    An Easter Message From Inner Chick | Ladywithatruck's Blog
    April 3, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    […] Anyway, here is the link to Kim’s post. […]

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    April 3, 2015 at 9:16 pm

    Holding you in my heart, Kim!
    Happy Easter.
    Festivals are most difficult without our loved ones!
    Vidya Sury recently posted..CelebrateMy Profile

  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    April 3, 2015 at 10:11 pm

    You are a wonderful sister Kim and an awesome person with a loving, bleeding heart.
    Yes, a time will come when we all can meet and ask Him where was HE when Kay’s tormentor was alive…why didn’t HE take him away first?
    I hope one day HE will have to answer those questions you have in your mind.
    Balroop Singh recently posted..How To Deal With Jealousy, Which Attacks SilentlyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    April 4, 2015 at 12:44 am

    I wish you and yours a Happy and Fun Easter!
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  • Reply
    countingducks
    April 4, 2015 at 3:27 am

    Every time you remind me of this event I shake my head at the brutality and waste of it all, but among all my thoughts is the image of your towering and unflinching love and loyalty to your sister which has been given such unflinching and sustained expression in this Blog. Happy Easter to you and yours. You are thought of with great affection on this side of the pond 🙂
    countingducks recently posted..A Life-Changing Meeting With Dr OddMy Profile

  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    April 4, 2015 at 6:07 am

    {{{{{{{{ <3 }}}}}}}

    It is all I have. I love you and I can only wrap you and all your family in what little I have to give.

  • Reply
    Jennifer Wolfe
    April 4, 2015 at 6:59 am

    Beautiful, Kim. Xxoo
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  • Reply
    Jodi
    April 4, 2015 at 8:33 am

    She hears everything you say now. Everything. Xo
    Jodi recently posted..Are high expectations killing you?My Profile

  • Reply
    Joan Peterson
    April 4, 2015 at 9:17 am

    Thank you Kim. This is beautiful and captures the emotions upon hearing of the shooting death of a sister. It brings it back for me as well. There is nothing worse. Thinking of you and your family as the anniversary of Kay’s death comes closer.

  • Reply
    Dad
    April 4, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Happy Easter to all. The Lord has risen, He has risen indeed. The lord has risen to give us all
    hope that we will see Kay and all our love ones again
    Love You Kim
    Dad.

  • Reply
    Gary Sidley
    April 4, 2015 at 10:37 am

    Sending thoughts of comfort from the UK. Take care, my friend.
    Gary Sidley recently posted..Measuring upMy Profile

  • Reply
    Barbara Hammond
    April 4, 2015 at 11:53 am

    Wishing you and yours a blessed Easter, Kim.
    xoxoxo
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  • Reply
    MARIE
    April 4, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    Love you Kim. Have a blessed Easter with your loved ones!
    I know Kay is waiting for you with a heartmelting smile.
    xxxxxxxxxxx
    MARIE recently posted..If you were there with me…My Profile

  • Reply
    Monica
    April 4, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    Wishing you the best this holiday weekend, Kim, filled with jelly beans, chocolate eggs and plenty of family togetherness. Sending you a great big hug!
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  • Reply
    Kristi Campbell
    April 4, 2015 at 3:32 pm

    Sending you so much love and many many hugs, lovely friend. XXOO Happy Easter to you and your family.
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  • Reply
    Debbie
    April 4, 2015 at 3:55 pm

    YES! Kim, this is beautiful, and I love your vision of Kay. I think ALL of us who have lost someone dear (certainly if the death has been sudden and unexpected) can envision something much like that. It’s not the same thing, I know, but when I lost my dear daddy six years ago to cancer, the doctors were pretty matter-of-fact, too. Maybe they have to be numb to feelings, or they, too, would cave. Your way sounds kinder. Perhaps they need to revise medical school curricula with regards to death and dying. I do believe we’ll be reunited with our loved ones one day — and what a reunion THAT will be!! Hugs at Easter!
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  • Reply
    Anna @ shenANNAgans
    April 5, 2015 at 5:53 am

    I couldn’t agree more, I think ‘they’ should prepare you for things like that. I’ve never lost anyone as brutally as you, but when the doctors came out to tell us dad had died, it just seemed so … Lame. 52 years he’d been on this earth and that’s all they said. The wine and the patchwork quilt would have done wonders to take a tiny bit of the chill away.

    Happy Easter sweet Kim. I am pleased to hear you are spending time with your family this holiday. Xx
    Anna @ shenANNAgans recently posted..Hoppy Easter Every BunnyMy Profile

  • Reply
    The Imp
    April 5, 2015 at 8:12 am

    I’m so sorry for the cruel loss of your sister. I wish you the joy and peace of Easter.
    The Imp recently posted..When The Sh*t Hits The FanMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jann
    April 5, 2015 at 11:45 am

    Sending you loving thoughts from Easter in Sicily, Kim. You’d like all the hoopla that accompanies the holiday here. Statues of Jesus and Mary running through streets; wild fireworks when they meet up; kissing and hugging throughout the crowds. xxxx000
    Jann recently posted..Comment on Welcome Back, Sun by JannMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lisa Gordon
    April 5, 2015 at 1:47 pm

    Sending you hugs, and wishes for a Happy Easter, Kim. xo.

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    April 5, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    Happy Easter to you too, Kim. I too believe in the resurrection and so I know that one day there will be that fantastic reunion. All in good time. And then you’ll be together forever xx
    Hotly Spiced recently posted..Good Friday Hot Cross BunsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Totally Caroline
    April 5, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    Happy Easter my dear friend, sending you hugs from Florida and all of my wishes for the peace and happiness that you deserve.
    Totally Caroline recently posted..Frida, Mi AmorMy Profile

  • Reply
    Alison
    April 5, 2015 at 6:42 pm

    Love you, dear Kim. xoxo
    Alison recently posted..Through The Lens Thursday – BoxMy Profile

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    April 5, 2015 at 8:13 pm

    “I can only insert the pain in intervals like small drops of fire.” Wow, that communicates. I feel your pain and the outrage and shock and the shock about the shock. It’s terrible what you and your family have endured, and you are transforming it into something extraordinary in the world. Love flowing to you from MLB xxx

  • Reply
    Mandy
    April 6, 2015 at 4:41 am

    I cannot comprehend your loss my darling Kim but I can feel the abundant love and perfection for when one day you and Kay are reunited! Wonderful!
    Happy Easter to you and your lovely family.
    Love from our little corner of the world to yours.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
    Mandy recently posted..In My Kitchen – April 2015My Profile

  • Reply
    Buddah Moskowitz
    April 6, 2015 at 9:01 am

    Sending supportive love your way.

  • Reply
    Renee Johnson
    April 6, 2015 at 3:44 pm

    You made me cry again. Easter does remind us of our loved ones we have no longer. “Death bows his head and weeps.” And so do we. Happy Easter Kim.
    Renee Johnson recently posted..My Monastic Writing Experience in Orvieto, ItalyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Shay from Trashy Blog
    April 6, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    Oh, Kim, you ALWAYS write so beautifully. Once again, I have to thank you for sharing because I always come away from this blog feeling so very moved.
    Shay from Trashy Blog recently posted..Trashy Shorts: Easter QuotesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jeri
    April 6, 2015 at 8:25 pm

    Sending lots of love and support your way as you continue to share Kay’s story with the world.
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  • Reply
    Minnesota Prairie Roots
    April 7, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    As always, your words move me to tears for the depth of your emotions and the honesty and the pain you feel. Thank you for each post you write here. You offer valuable information and support and hope and wisdom, all coming from that deep love you have for your sister. You, dear Kim, are a blessing. So comforting, isn’t it, to know that heaven awaits us.
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  • Reply
    Caroline Abbott
    April 7, 2015 at 2:09 pm

    I believe in the resurrection too. Without it, life would at times be too hard to bear. Bless you.
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  • Reply
    ladyfi
    April 9, 2015 at 8:23 am

    Sometimes the truth is almost too ugly to bear. But you make it beautiful with your truth.
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  • Reply
    Amy Tong
    April 10, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    You’re so correct….don’t think anyone will ever be ready, nor be prepared.

    Hope you had a wonderful Easter. Yes, I believe we’ll be reunited with our loved ones forever, someday….I’m sure it will be beautiful as you described it. 🙂
    Amy Tong recently posted..How to Make Iced Boba Milk Tea 冰鎮波霸奶茶My Profile

  • Reply
    Gary
    April 10, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    My lovely, thoughtful friend,

    And with the pouring of your heart, you share and we care in the unity of your profound, painful, powerful thoughts.

    I hope you had a peaceful, positive Easter.

    Hugs,

    Gary X
    Gary recently posted..After The Blood Test.My Profile

  • Reply
    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
    April 10, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    It’s always hard to wrap our brains around the concept of death. I talked to my sister on the phone, and twenty-four hours later she was in a coma in the hospital. And As I stood there, the heart monitor went off and the nurses brought in a crash cart. My sister…. Just. Stopped. Living. I watched them do everything they could to bring her back, but I knew she was gone. I doubt I will EVER understand or accept her death. I cannot let go.
    I love your words—-the pain like drops of fire. This is so beautifully written, and so close to how I feel about my own sister.
    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother recently posted..The PuzzleMy Profile

  • Reply
    julie gardner
    April 13, 2015 at 2:54 pm

    From your unimaginable grief spring words of such beauty and love and hope.
    Thinking of you.

  • Reply
    Sandra
    April 19, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    I hope your holiday was warm and peaceful, you are awesome!
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  • Reply
    Charlotte
    April 20, 2015 at 10:04 am

    It is unfair that someone would rob you of memories you could possibly have had with your sister all these years. I don’t know how you find peace or where you turn for solace, I can only hope that speaking about your sister and holding her memories close to your heart provides some form of comfort. And of course the knowledge that she is with you always and that she holds your hand on days that are unbearable to get out of bed.

    Though we’ve never met, I love you for your honesty and care deeply for your well being. Your words always sit with me long after I’ve stopped by. XOXO
    Charlotte recently posted..ConfessionMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mich
    April 22, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Nothing prepares you for that phone call. Even so many years later, I get that same sinking drowning feeling when the anniversary sneaks up on the calendar.
    <3
    Mich recently posted..So, what you’re telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.My Profile

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