We need writers who fear nothing ― Yevgeny Zamyatin
The submissions for “I RISE” were numerous and beautiful and transformative. Thank You. Thank you for your words, your hearts, your souls, your blood. By sharing your stories, you give others permission to share their stories. I believe this with my entire being. If you’re wondering what your purpose on earth is, perhaps it is telling your stories to the world, darlings.
** Here are a few sentences from my favorite essays**
“Sometimes, instead, the lion within me salivates when chomping into the bloody meat of my soul; awaiting a weak moment to pounce on top of me and tear at the stripes of my vulnerability”
“It took me months to take a step out of darkness. But every time I would catch my little one sleeping, I would close my eyes and make prayer. We were safe.”
“I kept thinking, ‘kick him in the balls!’ But he was dancing like Ali”
“Don’t get me started on men who say, You make me want to be a better person. RUN! You need a better person from the get go.”
“Moments earlier, I had been cradled in my mother’s lap, in the most wonderful womb-like temperature water. We were taking a bath.”
“I rise and resurrect like dead, cold suns.”
*****
You move me. You teach me. You make me fucking Rise Up.
Although it was difficult to make a choice, one submission shook me to the core, wrapped its ugly words around me like a giant python and squeezed everything out. Everything. Out. That entry was entitled: I Can’t Die. The author wishes to remain anonymous.
I CAN’T DIE
by T.M.S.
I am a Piece Of Shit.
I am a 14 year old PIECE-OF-SHIT-THE-WORLD-WOULD-BE-BETTER-WITHOUT-YOU-CHICKEN-LEGS-NO-ONE-WANTS-YOU-MOSQUITO-TITTIED Piece Of Shit.
I am a RUINED-YOUR-MOM’S-LIFE-SHOULD-HAVE-NEVER-BEEN-BORNPiece Of Shit.
Why can’t I die?
why am I here? why was I born? why is HE doing this to me?
I want to make the world better (and he told me how) I want to leave it. I want to feel nothing because I am nothing.
I try. Over and over and over. I slit lengthwise. I slit widthwise. I guzzle bleach mixed with contact solution. (why was I born? why can’t I die?) I eat 109 Advil. I cry and I cry and cry but I never bleed enough and the world never goes black.
Why can’t I die?
I can’t count all of my step-dads, but they all hate me. I am a hassle. I am a Piece-Of-Shit-hassle. This step-dad hates me the most. He chokes & punches & kicks. He deals drugs and shoots guns.
School is not an escape. School is Scrub-piece-of-shit-can’t-afford-clothes-can’t-afford-lunch-scrub-ugly-dirty-scrub-wierdo-piece-of-shit. (There is only one escape. There is only one way for the world to be better)
Why can’t I die?
I hear my brother and sister screaming. Wild, feral animal shrieks. My feet carry me down the stairs; my mind is not with them.
I am watching a movie. Someone else’s life: pretend, make believe, this doesn’t happen to real people.
He is shaking mom like a rag. Her limbs flap along her sides like long noodles. He’s holding her by the throat (always choking) slapping, punching, yelling:
BITCH-THIEF-CUNT-WHERE-IS-IT-YOU-WILL-PAY
“Go to the neighbors! GO NOW! Call the cops!”
My voice shocks them out of their screaming. My tone. My strength. My calm. Their eyes are still wide and their mouths are still O’s but they do as I command. He is holding her on the bed now. Punching still, but she’s not making any sounds and her noodle arms aren’t flapping. I grab him by the back of the head, (greasy pig hair in my fingers) and peel him off of her like Velcro. She runs to the corner.
He turns on me with (rage, hate, ugly, stone eyes) — PIECE-OF-SHIT-WHO-DO-YOU-THINK-YOU-ARE!
He holds me by the throat against the wall. My tippy toes graze the cheap carpet. Punching and choking until everything is dark and fuzzy static.
Icy metal suddenly burns my left temple. FINALLY-DONE-WITH-YOU-PIECE-OF-SHIT-BULLET-IN-YOUR-BRAIN-PIECE-OF-SHIT. I see his hateful eyes throughthe fuzz. He keeps talking.
My right hand gropes out to my side.
I can’t die I can’t die I have to save her or she is next then he will get them too I can’t die
My arms (not noodles) are acting without my mind; my eyes still see only static. There is a revolting crack when the vacuum meets his head. We both crumple. She is still whimpering in the corner (sick injured bunny whimper).
I Rise.
My legs and arms move; my legs and arms drag her out of the terror.
I can’t die
–Dear, Readers, Leave Comments of support and love for T. M. S. ( This writer gave everything & by sharing this powerful piece, I believe, was set free ).
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50 Comments
Valentine Logar
February 21, 2015 at 7:31 amThis reminds me of the worst of it and why we must be ever vigilant to speak out, to open our arms, to open our doors, sometimes to kick the shit out of abusers and push them where they belong before they can do harm.
You are right, this one shakes you to the core.
Valentine Logar recently posted..Education is Under Attack in the USA
Carolyn Hughes
February 21, 2015 at 1:19 pmSo painful to read such rawness and truth. Thank you for your courage in sharing.
Carolyn Hughes recently posted..Hiding.
Liz
February 21, 2015 at 2:05 pmPrayers that T. M. S. has found peace. I am glad she has been heard.
Liz recently posted..Vanilla Butter Braised Shrimp #FrenchFridayswithDorie
Barbara Hammond
February 21, 2015 at 2:22 pmIt is very difficult to let the words out. But, when you do you realize the lightness you haven’t been able to feel EVER. It is so freeing. I pray she has found peace at last.
xob
Barbara Hammond recently posted..Rescue Pets…The Perfect Valentine!
Mike
February 21, 2015 at 2:41 pmWOW!! As in jaw-dropped wow! Lots of support to T.M.S. being sent from this reader, Kim! xxx’s 🙂
Mike recently posted..Chihuly Garden and Glass in Seattle, Washington
Doreen McGettigan
February 21, 2015 at 2:51 pmHugs, prayers and support to T.M.S.
Doreen McGettigan recently posted..Keep Moving Forward…
Susan boswell
February 21, 2015 at 2:59 pmWow. Kim so great of you for the opportunity to bring this nd other writers words out in the open. What powerful words. I hope with your publication it will give further confidence to this writer to continue living and writing.
Susan boswell recently posted..For Aunt Johnnie
jen
February 21, 2015 at 3:02 pmTMS,
I hear you, you are relevent and I care.
I am so sorry you had to experience such horror.
You are a valuable human being; those crap men
who hurt you and your mom aren’t even human.
xxxooo
powerful kim!
jen recently posted..learning lessons- Fragile x Guardian
debbie
February 21, 2015 at 3:47 pmI just felt such sadness and hopelessness when I first started reading this. So glad she found strength…no one should ever feel the world is better without them. I hope her journey gets lighter and brighter….the stepdad?? Why can’t HE die?
debbie recently posted..Creamy Lemon One Pot Pasta
Lisa thomson
February 21, 2015 at 4:26 pmThank. You. Your words although hard to read are so very inspiring, horrid and important. No necessary. You are amazing and courageous! Keep writing and sharing your heart & soul.
Thank you Kim, for sharing such an jncredible piece xoxo
Lisa thomson recently posted..Think Twice
jannistyles1
February 21, 2015 at 4:57 pmLove, support and healing thoughts to the writer of this very realistic glimpse of life. So glad she/he rose up to write about this and so right, you can’t die. You have much more to do and say because you know this better than anyone else, that it is time to talk and share, you showed us that by sharing here. Thank you. Much love. <3 <3 <3
jannistyles1 recently posted..Dough Eyes
nan @ lbddiaries
February 21, 2015 at 6:10 pmRaw. So raw inside that there are no words.
nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..Barbie, Ken and GI Joe: Truth Comes Out
Jann
February 21, 2015 at 8:20 pmDear T. M. S., What a heart-breaking piece of amazing writing. So so sorry for what you’ve had to endure. Congratulations on your well-deserved win!!
Jann recently posted..Comment on Summer’s End by Bella
Kimberly
February 21, 2015 at 8:57 pmTMS – Your words, each one of them, I am holding close to my heart and I hope that you feel my love. You are so incredibly brave to write this piece and even more so because you rise not just in that moment, but every. Fucking. Second. Of. Every. Fucking. Day. You are rising.
You matter.
So much love and healing to you.
You’re an amazing writer and I hope that you continue to pour your soul into words. Really. This is power.
Xoxo
Kimberly recently posted..1000 Voices – But Are You Listening?
pam hogeweide
February 21, 2015 at 9:07 pmTMS has lifted the veil of what happens from behind public masks for many households. It is a horror story, an outright horror story and one that no woman or child nor man ought to be living. Yet there is such power in the telling and I hope that T has tapped in to that power and will keep tapping for her sake and the sake of her family. Keep telling the secret til there is no more secret to keep. Thank you Kim for making slace for T and everyone else to tell their story. May each one Rise in her own eyes as she speaks out.
Liz
February 21, 2015 at 9:19 pmOh, Kim. Love and strength to you and the author. Thank you for the work you do.
Chris Carter
February 21, 2015 at 10:21 pmOh dear God, this makes me want to run into that house and tear this precious desperate writer and her mom and siblings OUT of it! Oh, do I pray pray pray she (I believe, wonder but think it to be true) has escaped this evil torture of a life, and I pray pray pray her mom and the other kids have too.
I pray that vacuum killed that devil. I am sick just thinking about the pain this precious soul has endured- all at the hands of many evil men- step dads… this is the darkest of the darkest.
Oh, how I pray…
There is new light now.
Chris Carter recently posted..Help A Mom Out! THIS is Compassion.
Vidya Sury
February 21, 2015 at 10:33 pmI am full of admiration for your courage TMS! Hugs. And applause from the heart. May you rise and rise.
Thank you Kim!
Vidya Sury recently posted..Wicket Pleasures
solidgoldcreativity
February 21, 2015 at 11:20 pmHard to hear this, extraordinary to survive it and speak of it. TMS, what courage, what resilience, you’ve generated to live after this, How mighty you are.
Kim, you are the space in which others are heard xxxx
Joan Peterson
February 22, 2015 at 6:07 amKim- you gave an opportunity for someone to write a very personal story about abuse and violence experienced by far too many. This was a powerful piece and beautifully written, full of agony, anger, despair but also of courage. Young children should not have to live like this. Too many do. I hope this young person can heal and continue to tell her story to the world.
Joan Peterson recently posted..Deadly gun clothing
Angie@Angie's Recipes
February 22, 2015 at 7:46 amIt hurts to read this, and at the same time, I admire you being so strong and brave.
Angie@Angie’s Recipes recently posted..Beetroot Chia Seed Chiffon Cake
Karen Sosnoski
February 22, 2015 at 7:58 amPraying for TMS that this violence is in the past and if not that someone knows her true identity & can give her & family the practical support her strong spirit needs. This was written with so much immediacy–the disparaging labels & brutal physical abuse frighten me for the writer. Her words, spoken & written are a gift.
Ellen M. Gregg
February 22, 2015 at 8:14 amT.M.S., thank you for rising up. Thank you for being unable to die. Thank you for being a voice that can echos and take hold in the hearts and minds of those who also can’t die, and help them to rise up, as well.
Peace.
Ellen M. Gregg
February 22, 2015 at 8:15 am*echo
TheKitchenLioness
February 22, 2015 at 8:30 amDear Kim, thank you for letting all those voices be heard! And peace, prayers and many thoughts for T.M.S. – hope she is well, in a better place and safe!
Andrea
Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com
February 22, 2015 at 2:36 pmDear TMS….may you find the peace, strength and courage to keep rising. You are stronger and more powerful than you know. Keep rising…and keep sharing your story until it flies away…
Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com recently posted..Namaste’—The Spirit Behind Compassion
Debbie
February 22, 2015 at 3:06 pmWhat powerful writing — no wonder it stuck out for you, Kim. I do pray the author gets out of that miserable situation and finds healing. And real love.
Debbie recently posted..Only Child
Carrie
February 22, 2015 at 8:01 pmTMS So powerful, such a talent you have, don’t ever stop writing. I am so sorry you have gone through this, no you should never have had to experience that kind of abuse; no one should but people do and it is people like you who speak out who will eventually change the world. You are very strong and so very valuable and worthy of love and respect. Sending prayers and hugs to you.
Hotly Spiced
February 23, 2015 at 2:40 amIt’s well written but it’s painful to read. I can’t imagine the horror of growing up in such a situation of hopelessness. There are children who have the odds stacked against them yet despite their circumstances, they rise xx
Hotly Spiced recently posted..A Medical Emergency
Renee Johnson
February 23, 2015 at 4:26 amIt’s hard to even find words to articulate the level of punch-to-my-gut when I read the excerpts and T.M.S’ piece. What a great outlet you have provided and kudos to everyone sharing their deep pain.
Renee Johnson recently posted..Good News!
Sammie
February 23, 2015 at 4:27 amIt’s really sad to read pieces like this. Praying for TMS
Sammie recently posted..Pineapple Tarts with a Twist
Aussa Lorens
February 23, 2015 at 5:54 amThis was painful to read. I hate that anyone ever has to go through something like this. I hope the writing of it was healing in some way.
Marie
February 23, 2015 at 7:14 amT.M.S. Keeping you and your loved ones in my prayers. You’re very brave to share these lines, your story. But hear me, you can’t die cause YOU.ARE.STRONG & BEAUTIFUL.
Sending love to you wherever you are in this world.
Marie recently posted..Just the two of us
Deborah Batterman
February 23, 2015 at 7:55 amThis had to be so tough for you, Kim . . . to read, and choose. At the same time, it’s wonderful — important — that you encourage other women to give voice to the horrors of abuse.
Deborah Batterman recently posted..S.A.D. but True
Dad
February 23, 2015 at 5:53 pmDear T. M. S . It just makes me burn with anger to see what you had to go through with
this beast of a person. I thank GOD that you rose up, I know it wasn’t easy.
God Bless
Bob
LePorkstar
February 23, 2015 at 6:56 pmOh wow, this was an interesting read.
meditating mummy
February 23, 2015 at 9:39 pmYou rose TMS. You did. You realized. You found your strength, your love and your inner lioness. You rose. I send you peace and light. May you grow from strength to strength. xo
Oh Kim, this wasn’t easy was it? you are amazing, what a fantastic piece of writing. Thank you for choosing this one. My eyes are opened.
xxx
Anna @ shenANNAgans
February 23, 2015 at 9:54 pmMy thoughts and prayers are with TMS. That was a tough read, but I am honored she was strong enough to share.
Anna @ shenANNAgans recently posted..National Multicultural Festival
ladyfi
February 23, 2015 at 10:00 pmA powerful, brave and moving piece of writing.
ladyfi recently posted..The elegance of winter
Mandy
February 24, 2015 at 1:12 amT.M.S. You have absolutely risen! You are an incredible and wonderful being!
Your story hurt me to my core. Nobody should ever live through what you and your siblings did. NEVER!
YOU HAVE RISEN!
Love to you.
Mandy xo
Amy Tong
February 24, 2015 at 10:53 amThis is powerful! Thank you so much for sharing. I can’t help but teared up as I read. Really grateful that I get to read it and I admire how brave you are!
Amy Tong recently posted..Le Louis XV — 3 Michelin Stars Restaurant Review, Monte-Carlo
countingducks
February 24, 2015 at 1:52 pmCongratulations to them all, and for you, for having the idea 🙂
countingducks recently posted..Life Outside The Boundry
Jeri
February 24, 2015 at 8:03 pmWow. My heart goes out to the winner of your contest. The work you are doing is so important in helping people get their stories heard. xxoo
Jeri recently posted..Ten Great Things That Can Happen in Your First Year as a Published Author by Gerald Freeman
Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
February 25, 2015 at 1:57 amOh my, that was so raw and honest and difficult to read. I hope that they are ok 🙁
Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..The Best Hamburger Milk Buns & Win a $100 Voucher!
My Inner Chick
February 25, 2015 at 5:42 amDear, T.
I know how far you’ve come. I know your struggles. I know how you’ve given back to the world. (thru it all)
I know your accomplishments.
You. Are. My. Hero.
Love Love Love xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Winning Submission for My Inner Chick
Alison
February 25, 2015 at 7:13 amOh my goodness. What a powerful piece.
TMS, thank you for sharing your story, your heart, your courage.
Alison recently posted..Mom Babble
Charlene Ross
February 25, 2015 at 3:56 pmWow. That piece broke my heart. My love and prayers go out to T.M.S. I hope she continues to find the strength to rise.
Charlene Ross recently posted..Teaching my Daughter an Unfortunate Lesson at the Science Museum
Dana
February 25, 2015 at 6:03 pmThank you, TMS. You rise. And you live.
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Rita @ The Crafty Expat
March 8, 2015 at 6:47 pmWow… This is so raw and difficult to read… My heard goes to you T.M.S. You certainly rise. Thanks Kim for giving T.M.S. a voice.
Rita @ The Crafty Expat recently posted..Thriller Live Melbourne
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