Here is one of the worst things about having someone you love die: It happens again every single morning.—Anna Quindlen
—Kay’s Journals dating back to 1985.
In the beginning, there was you.
You loving me. You interwoven inside my being.
You never judging my bad judgment. You hurrying to my house on 61st and Cody when I lost my job, my uterus, my mind.
You soothing, encouraging, inspiring, grabbing my hand and whispering, “Lets give it to the King, Kimmy.” And we’d hold hands while you prayed.– “God, show my sister the true healer, the ultimate physician.”
Nobody ever appreciated me like you. Nobody ever believed in me like you. Never. Again.
I haven’t seen your face for 1702 days, my darling.
That face smiling massively as I pulled up in my Kia for our weekend walks on the Waterfront Trail. That face standing on my front porch Christmas Eve holding your famous overflowing with bacon-molasses-baked beans. That face laughing so hard and fiercely that you peed your pants when you poured two cups of salt into your cake mixture instead of two cups of sugar, then asking, ever-so-sweetly, “Is that too salty?”
O’ God O’ God O’ God
It’s been a time of shitty shadows & sharp claws.
It’s been a time of reflection & vibrant light.
I miss telling you my secrets.
For example, I went quite insane after your execution. I tried to become an alcoholic, but I hated not remembering. I tried to become suicidal, but the love on earth was more powerful than death. I tried reading your journals, but every page, every sentence was fire and remorse and discontentment.
I wrote words to fill the void. I wrote syllables to ease the sting. I fucking wrote
I kept writing and writing until even my organs emptied out.
There will never be enough words to make me whole again.
I love you I love you I love you I miss you I miss you I miss you
Sometimes when I’m lying in bed, my heart thrusts so loudly that it startles me.
I know it’s a reminder, just in case I’ve forgotten, that I’m Alive.
And here’s another secret you may not know, Kay; I’m living without you, but you’re still here, your soft pink cheek pressed against my cheek.
You see, that’s the thing about dying, you’re never really gone. The love remains inside, outside, and in-between everything you do.
I find that astonishingly, amazingly beautiful. Don’t you?
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37 Comments
Karen Sosnoski
January 24, 2015 at 2:26 pmBoth your grief and your enlightenment are powerful. I’d ask you to keep writing, but I know you will. Feel like I know your sister whom I’ve never met and, as always, love your words.
Elephant's Child
January 24, 2015 at 2:35 pmAs always hurting for you, hurting with you.
She is not gone, never gone while you remember her. But at the same time she IS gone. And it fucking hurts.
Hugs and love.
Elephant’s Child recently posted..Sunday Selections #208
Joe Peterson
January 24, 2015 at 2:48 pm❤️
Hotly Spiced
January 24, 2015 at 3:14 pmI know Kay would be so proud of how well you have coped with the ongoing grieving process and she would feel so incredibly honoured at how you have done so much to keep her memory alive xx
Hotly Spiced recently posted..Riri Blue Hole, Santo, Vanuatu
lisa thomson-the great escape
January 24, 2015 at 6:49 pmKim, your words move me to tears. The loss is never ending. I love that Anna Quindlen quote. It’s so true—you wake up in the morning and then remember—why it hurts. <3 xoxox
lisa thomson-the great escape recently posted..Is Your Fear Holding You Back?
Britton Swingler
January 24, 2015 at 7:06 pmIt took me ten years to realize I had fallen apart
It took me ten years to realize I had become a different person; a worse one
It took me ten years to meet the only other person who would ever “get me” (I didn’t think this was possible)
It took me ten years to finally say “fuck you” to a universe of others’ expectations; all but hers, that is
In two weeks, it will have been eleven years, and there is still no way to justify the loss—there is still no silver lining, There never will be. But, I’ve finished my novel and my first professional photo shoot, married the man of every dream I’ve ever had, stopped sweating. Yes, she would be proud—very much so—but more importantly, she would be happy, deeply happy to see her baby sister finally thriving.
I’ve decided to let myself hurt again, to feel the intricacies of her loss instead of pretending; that I’m alright without her; that I’ll stop missing her; that I’ll eventually become a pillar of strength; that I’ll stop crying. Some people are indelible—leaving marks we would’t erase if we could, even if it meant erasing our pain.
Sending love to you, Kim.
Britton Swingler recently posted..Exoskeleton
Elisabeth Kinsey
January 24, 2015 at 7:51 pmOur absent folk are here with us right now. They’re visiting me in my dreams. They have something to say and I’m trying to figure it out. Your blog articulately shows my feelings. Thank you!
Jeri
January 24, 2015 at 8:46 pmAnd keep on writing. It’s strange how writing can dredge up feelings, but afterward also help to quell those feelings as well.
Jeri recently posted..The Art of Self-Sabotage: The Top 5 Reasons Why Writers Avoid Writing by Justine Tal Goldberg
Vidya Sury
January 24, 2015 at 9:21 pmThat’s the truth, Kim. It is not just every morning, it is random moments throughout the day. Heart nudges when they’re least expected. But you know what? I’ve learned to enjoy those. Because I often feel safe in there.
Hugs! Love you more than chocolate chip cookies melting in the mouth.
Vidya Sury recently posted..Move On #ThatsWhatSheSaid
ladyfi
January 24, 2015 at 11:33 pmSo beautiful and yet heart-wrenching.
ladyfi recently posted..Narnia skies
Angie@Angie's Recipes
January 25, 2015 at 3:22 amo yes, it’s breathtakingly beautiful, Kim. Kay will be very proud of you!
Angie
Angie@Angie’s Recipes recently posted..Orange Pomegranate Salad with Pistachios
Valentine Logar
January 25, 2015 at 7:37 amI feel your pain, right down into my soul. I will never say to you, ‘it will get better’. You and I both know, it won’t. Somehow, it will change with time. The pain will change, it will get bearable. Somehow, over time instead of shredding you it will blanket you and change your heart. In the meantime, as you embrace the change and write the words that fill all of us, I love you.
Chris Carter
January 25, 2015 at 9:50 amAnd THAT is the beautiful thing about the darkest dark in humanity… love remains, and perhaps? The power of that love is much stronger.
Every time you share about this precious relationship and deepest despair… I get another glimpse into the beauty of love’s passion. My heart always crumbles into pieces when I read and take in your grief, but the light with which you wrap it begs me to be drenched in the love.
Chris Carter recently posted..Ten Tips For The Woman In A Leg Cast
Ellen M. Gregg
January 25, 2015 at 12:15 pmKim…
“You see, that’s the thing about dying, you’re never really gone. The love remains inside, outside, and in-between everything you do.”
I do find that astonishingly, amazingly beautiful. It’s beauty that’s so intense, it’s almost – almost – impossible to take in; to absorb; to embrace. And yet, when we allow ourselves to do so, it feels right and true and grace-full. xoxo
Ellen M. Gregg recently posted..Uningestible Essential Oils
nan @ lbddiaries
January 25, 2015 at 12:18 pm“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
― Anne Lamott
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lisa
January 25, 2015 at 12:38 pmThis breaks my heart, Kim, and at the same time it is so very beautiful.
xo.
Jann
January 25, 2015 at 12:44 pmYour love will never die; nor will hers for you. Your writing is a testament to the strength of the human spirit, and I love it so much. xxxxxx
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Alison
January 25, 2015 at 9:26 pmI’m so glad you write, keeping Kay alive not just in your heart and mind, but for us, who have come to know and love both of you. xo
Alison recently posted..Dying A Thousand Deaths
Corinne Rodrigues
January 26, 2015 at 12:27 amSister love. I’ve never known that, Kim. But you make me long for that….Your words show how big your heart is and how much Kay was a part of it. Thanks for letting us into your heart and life and sharing Kay with us.
Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..MLK Quote #MondayMusings #MicroblogMondays
Debbie
January 26, 2015 at 9:12 amKim, your writing is powerful! I can almost feel Kay’s cheek against yours, almost taste that over-salted cake of hers. As awful as it is to lose someone we love, how much more awful would it be to forget these special times we shared, to fail to remember the way we felt when they were here? Hugs to you from Central Illinois (where there’s no snow on the ground right now!)
Debbie recently posted..Feeling the Burn
Marie
January 26, 2015 at 9:42 amThey say that there is something more powerful than anything else Kim, Life. I believe it’s God acting through Life. Without God nothing is possible. How are you supposed to live again when the most precious person on earth is gone?
Love Love ane more Love from me to the Beautiful You.
Marie recently posted..The next train
Totally caroline
January 26, 2015 at 3:10 pmOh chicky, whenever you talk about your sister, I feel it in my heart. God bless you. I send you so much love.
Charlene Ross
January 26, 2015 at 3:11 pm“The love remains inside, outside, and in-between everything you do.”
Your words as always, so heartbreaking. So beautiful. Love to you (as always) my beautiful Kim.
Charlene Ross recently posted..To My Firstborn On His 18th Birthday
Shay from Trashy Blog
January 26, 2015 at 5:02 pmThis is breathtakingly powerful. MY GOSH…I don’t even know what to say, except that I’m close to tears. Thank you so much for sharing.
Shay from Trashy Blog recently posted..Trashy Shorts: Childhood Obesity
Choc Chip Uru
January 26, 2015 at 7:24 pmI shed more tears coming here and reading something so heartbreakingly beautiful – only you can write like this mon amie.
Hugs
Uru
Choc Chip Uru recently posted..Topsy Turvy Australia Day
Solidgoldcreativity
January 26, 2015 at 8:05 pmKim, you’re a miracle. You inspire me and move me. xxx
Solidgoldcreativity recently posted..“we encounter a pitiless machismo…”
shenANNAgans
January 27, 2015 at 2:54 amSometimes when I’m driving I can almost see my Dad sitting beside me, it’s as if all I had to do is turn my head & he’d be there…. I swear he is there at times like that, he loved driving ….. just driving. Yep, I know what you mean, you know they are gone & you miss them, but all at the same time, they are there as if they’ve never left.
shenANNAgans recently posted..Da Jie Famous Wanton Noodles – Singapore
Sandra
January 27, 2015 at 5:12 pmWriting has truly been your salvation.
Sandra recently posted..Comment on A Winter Palette by My Inner Chick
Dana
January 27, 2015 at 5:37 pmThe love remains, and through your words you are giving those of us who never knew Kay the chance to know her through your eyes. Thank you, Kim.
Dana recently posted..What movies taught me about love
William Dameron
January 28, 2015 at 3:15 amYour love is so amazing. I’m so happy you have clung to the love and the beauty.
William Dameron recently posted..By Any Other Name
Dad
January 28, 2015 at 6:05 amKIM, I love you with all my heart.
Dad
Hilary
January 30, 2015 at 6:31 amsending you a giant virtual hug!
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Yessica
January 30, 2015 at 11:08 amThis is amazingly beautiful and inspiring. I can relate very much to that first quote too.
Bless you dear, she would be proud of you.
Yessica recently posted..Girls Like You
Kimberly
January 30, 2015 at 1:08 pmThe love remains inside, outside, and in-between….YES and in all of us. Every single one of us that comes upon this page – that reads her story, that spreads her story at our dinner tables or at work or at schools or at a hockey practice….Kim do you know how many ripples Kay’s story creates? She lives in Canada too. All around. Keep writing. We keep reading. We keep talking. We all keep saving together xoxo
Alice
January 30, 2015 at 7:30 pmHi Kim, it’s got to be one of the toughest things to lose a sibling. Reading your words makes me want to cherish the relationship I have with my brother & sister even more. I can only know that Kay was a super awesome being, by what I know of you! As always sending love & hope that your journey continues to inspire others to make a change in their lives…
Ps, my little sister baked a cake when she was 5, with the infamous sugar/salt ratio as you describe. The look on our faces as we spat that chocolate cake out was hilarious!!! Plus completely unforgettable too 😉
Alice recently posted..English muffin recipe
nan @ lbddiaries
January 31, 2015 at 4:20 pmBest line ever: “…you’re never really gone. The love remains inside, outside, and in-between everything you do.” So very, very true.
I actually love you more than my birthday present. And you know I luuuuuve my birthday present.
nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..Whatever Lola Wants…
Rita @ The Crafty Expat
March 5, 2015 at 9:50 pmOh, Kim, this post went straight to my heart… God bless you and your family always and keep you strong. We need your words.
Rita @ The Crafty Expat recently posted..Thriller Live Melbourne