The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.—John 1-5
It’s been 1673 days since I’ve seen your beautiful face.
It’s been a helltime, a darktime, a time of shadows and sharp edges. It’s been a time of falling on knees screaming the same prayer over and over again…
Help me. Help me. Lord, please help me.
I think of you, dear, when the leaves blow, when green transforms into mandarin oranges, when the scent of autumn fills air like fire. I think of you when I smell cinnamon, nutmeg, sage, & cloves. Those were your favorite things to simmer on your stove.
You might ask why I’m still writing about you, crying over you, holding onto you.
Because mourning doesn’t have a time limit. Because grief is born into the world, but doesn’t expire until we do. Because tequila doesn’t numb the pain. Because suicide hurts just as much as murder.
When I write words, it’s like biting into the sweet bread of communion, like sun melting gold glitter on skin, like a million voices singing, “H a l l e l u i h.”
I wanted to tell you how much my life has changed since you left me, how I had to reinvent myself.
The day of your funeral, I gazed into the mirror for a long time repeating, “my sister is dead, my sister is dead, my sister is dead.” Afterwards, I lined my eyes with charcoal liner until I didn’t recognize myself. I just kept smearing and rubbing and trying to fucking disappear.
But I’m still here. O’, God, I’m still here.
I wanted to tell you that in spite of depression and deep, profound loss, I’ve found myself again. I wanted to tell you that light overpowers darkness, kills the monsters, murders the beast.
Yes, my love, darkness eventually needs to surrender.
I wanted to tell you that even though your body is buried, your voice rises thru the soil every. single. day. And even though your murderer stopped your heart, it pumps loudly and beautifully and prayerfully into the universe!
H a l l e l u i a h.
—-My sister was murdered on May 26, 2010. The world slipped away & darkened. Get Help Now. Do not wait. Never wait. You are loved & valued. Domestic Abuse Hotline