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The Light Shines In Darkness


 

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.—John 1-5

Soul Mates Forever

Soul Mates Forever

 

 

It’s been 1673 days since I’ve seen your beautiful face.

 

It’s been a helltime, a darktime, a time of shadows and sharp edges. It’s been a time of falling on knees screaming the same prayer over and over again…

 

Help me.   Help me.   Lord, please help me.

 

I think of you, dear, when the leaves blow,  when green transforms into mandarin oranges,  when the scent of autumn fills air like fire.  I think of you when I smell cinnamon,  nutmeg,  sage, & cloves.  Those were your favorite things to simmer on your stove.

 

Remember?

 

You might ask why I’m still writing about you, crying over you,  holding onto you.

 

Because mourning doesn’t have a time limit.   Because grief is born into the world, but doesn’t expire until we do.   Because tequila doesn’t numb the pain.  Because suicide hurts just as much as murder.

 

When I write words, it’s like biting into the sweet bread of communion,  like sun melting gold glitter on skin,  like a million voices singing, “H a l  l e l u i  h.”

 

I wanted to tell you how much my life has changed since you left me, how I had to reinvent myself.

 

The day of your funeral, I gazed into the mirror for a long time repeating, “my sister is dead,  my sister is dead,  my sister is dead.” Afterwards,  I lined my eyes with charcoal liner until I didn’t recognize myself.  I just kept smearing and rubbing and trying to fucking disappear.

 

But I’m still here.    O’, God,   I’m still here.

 

I wanted to tell you that in spite of depression and deep, profound loss, I’ve found myself again. I wanted to tell you that light overpowers darkness,  kills the monsters, murders the beast.

 

Yes, my love, darkness eventually needs to surrender.

 

I wanted to tell you that even though your body is buried, your voice rises thru the soil every.  single.  day.   And even though your murderer stopped your heart,   it pumps loudly and beautifully and prayerfully into the universe!

 

H  a   l  l  e   l  u   i  a  h.

 

Amen.

 

—-My sister was murdered on May 26, 2010.  The world slipped away & darkened.  Get Help Now.  Do not wait.  Never wait. You are loved & valued.   Domestic Abuse Hotline 

 


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41 Comments

  • Reply
    Totally Caroline
    October 25, 2014 at 10:48 am

    I bet you were the most wonderful sister a girl could have… and you still are
    *kisses*

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    October 25, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Hurting for you, hurting with you. As always.
    And in awe at the strength you dragged from the darkness.
    Elephant’s Child recently posted..Sunday Selections #195My Profile

  • Reply
    Monica
    October 25, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    I love how you’ve turned this incredibly aching loss into something good through the work you do on behalf of all women. We’re all so proud of you, Kim! You are hot stuff!
    Monica recently posted..Ebola, ShmolaMy Profile

  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    October 25, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    The light beats darkness, we walk under the sun and we sing

    H a l l e l u i a h

    We raise our fists, in fury and in demand for retribution.

    I love you.
    Valentine Logar recently posted..Over ItMy Profile

  • Reply
    dad
    October 25, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    Kim I feel the same way, we all mourn differently. Its not the same without Kay, it
    never will be.
    Love You
    Dad

  • Reply
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape...
    October 25, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    The light wins. Love wins. Hatred and fear lose. Kay’s memory is ever so powerful with your beautiful words.
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape… recently posted..Have You Found Your Handyman?My Profile

  • Reply
    totsymae1011
    October 25, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Oh, what a journey, Kimmy. A neverending path of mourning. Sending love and plenty of hugs.
    totsymae1011 recently posted..Throwing Some Shade at Tori SpellingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    October 25, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    Love you Kimmy xoxoxo
    Keep on shining for others

  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    October 25, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    Yes, we can hear her voice…Kay lives through your words, your love, your cause!
    You are an awesome sister, Kim!
    Balroop Singh recently posted..This FallMy Profile

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    October 25, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    It is true. Mourning has no time limit. Sometimes we do it with tears, sometimes with smiles over loving memories. Either way, the loss sits in our heart permanently, always reminding us it is there.

    I admire you for keeping Kay alive in such wonderful ways, Kim. What a difference you are making by bringing a strong message to all those lucky enough to be connected with you!

    Hugs and love.

    Love you more than the magnolias blooming in our yard and spreading their fragrance!
    Vidya Sury recently posted..Bullying Under AttackMy Profile

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    October 26, 2014 at 2:43 am

    Kay lives in your writing, memories and your heart. You are a great sister!
    Cheers,
    Angie
    Angie@Angie’s Recipes recently posted..Gluten Free Chocolate Muffins with Cream Cheese Coconut FillingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Choc Chip Uru
    October 26, 2014 at 4:43 am

    I can hear Kay’s voice through you my friend, you are an amazing sister!

    Love you and your strength so much!
    Hugs
    Uru
    Choc Chip Uru recently posted..A Peek Into Som TamMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Book
    October 26, 2014 at 5:33 am

    H a l l e l u i a h and Amen!
    Love to you my dearest Kim.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
    Mandy – The Complete Book recently posted..CRIMEMy Profile

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    October 26, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    Even the smallest flicker of light will take over the darkness… light a match in a pitch black room and the room illuminates. Kay’s light shines like that-

    Through you.

    God’s light shines like that-

    In the world.
    Chris Carter recently posted..Devotional Diary: Refelections of Fall and FaithMy Profile

  • Reply
    lisa
    October 26, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    I believe sweet Kay is smiling down on you, and I know that you believe it too.
    Sending you hugs, my friend. xo.

  • Reply
    Barbara
    October 26, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    Beautiful. period.

    Love and Light will always outshine the darkness and hate.

    xob
    Barbara recently posted..Seat of the Pants Cooking, Part 2My Profile

  • Reply
    Alice
    October 26, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    Sending all my love & strength to you. You are amazing and your voice will always speak for those who can’t, xoxo
    Alice recently posted..Halloween recipes to get your spook on.My Profile

  • Reply
    Renee Johnson
    October 26, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    We are all holding candles for you, bringing you light. We can’t replace your beautiful sister, but we can offer you a bit of kindness and peace. Hugs friend.
    Renee Johnson recently posted..Bringing Noepe Center for Literary Arts at Martha’s Vineyard to YouMy Profile

  • Reply
    Alison
    October 26, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    You’re the light in many lives, Kim. xo

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    October 26, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Such a poignant line, **I wanted to tell you how much my life has changed since you left me, how I had to reinvent myself.** You inspire me. You show me what’s possible when it comes to love, family, courage xx
    solidgoldcreativity recently posted..Woman as goddess: Jean Paul Gaultier at Melbourne NGVMy Profile

  • Reply
    Rita @ The Crafty Expat
    October 26, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    Halleluiah indeed to these so heartbreaking but absolutely beautiful words. And, it is so true that “mourning doesn’t have a time limit.” So, keep writing about your sister Kim and may God bless you and bless your family always.
    Rita @ The Crafty Expat recently posted..2 years…My Profile

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    October 27, 2014 at 2:56 am

    I’m sure Kay has glimpses into your world and is so proud of how you are moving forward, even without her. You’re doing so well and you’ve done so well. I don’t think there could be a better or stronger sister in the world xx
    Hotly Spiced recently posted..Fawlty ChineseMy Profile

  • Reply
    Hilary
    October 27, 2014 at 3:59 am

    Your writing keeps Kay alive in not only your heart but our hearts… Thanks to you we all get a chance to know her & see what a wonderful woman she was…
    Hilary recently posted..Firsts….My Profile

  • Reply
    Susan Casey
    October 27, 2014 at 6:15 am

    “I think of you, dear, when the leaves blow, when green transforms into mandarin oranges, when the scent of autumn fills air like fire. I think of you when I smell cinnamon, nutmeg, sage, & cloves. Those were your favorite things to simmer on your stove.”

    These words are simply exquisite. I love the way you honor your sister, her memory and the love you shared. Love you!!
    Susan Casey recently posted..Beauty in the PainMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lady E
    October 27, 2014 at 6:36 am

    Oh the pain, the grief, Kim… And the beauty.
    None of them ever end, really. May the Autumn sun spray your life with glitter xo
    Lady E recently posted..What is love ?My Profile

  • Reply
    Marie
    October 27, 2014 at 10:56 am

    Much much Love Kim. Kay shines. You shine. You transformed your pain into something beautiful.
    xoxo
    Marie recently posted..Treasuring the SilenceMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jeri
    October 27, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    So many hugs for you and all you’ve been through, but thank goodness for the power of writing to see us through and also for being able to amplify your message against domestic abuse.
    Jeri recently posted..#Free: Popular Poe Stories #AllHallowsReadMy Profile

  • Reply
    Liz
    October 27, 2014 at 5:11 pm

    You are keeping Kay alive through your words…and helping other victims as well. You are a wonderful sister, a wonderful friend, a wonderful advocate. xo
    Liz recently posted..Marshmallow Popcorn BallsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Dana
    October 27, 2014 at 5:23 pm

    You help keep Kay’s voice and heart alive – they live in you. xoxo
    Dana recently posted..Why Halloween with older kids is awesomeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jann
    October 28, 2014 at 4:32 am

    So so beautiful, Kim. How wonderful that light has come back into your life, in spite of everything. xxxxxxx sending lots of love your way. xxxxx
    Jann recently posted..Comment on Summer’s End by BellaMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sandra
    October 28, 2014 at 11:40 am

    I am always inspired by the way you bare your soul, thank you.
    Sandra recently posted..Comment on Fall Tablescape Challenge by Chris @ The Café Sucré FarineMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie
    October 28, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    You know, Kim, even though you lost your sister, she will forever be in your heart. A lot of people can’t say that. A lot of people are estranged from their living sisters. Don’t you find that incredibly SAD?? I imagine you’ve had a lot of help turning that well of darkness into hope — the rest of your family, of course, your dear husband, God above. Remember, we never walk alone — your story is proof that there’s light at the end of every tunnel. Hugs to you from Illinois and my prayers are always lifted for you and yours!
    Debbie recently posted..A Magical Season So FarMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kristi Campbell
    October 28, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    You are doing so many beautiful things with your words. Keeping Kay here, letting us in, and I absolutely know that there are women out there who have found you and survived because you share your painful story. Sending so much hugs and love to you. xxoo
    Kristi Campbell recently posted..How I Ended Up Being Thankful For October and Made My Kid Pose With The Scariest Cat of All TimeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Charlene Ross
    October 28, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    When I write words, it’s like biting into the sweet bread of communion, like sun melting gold glitter on skin, like a million voices singing, “H a l l e l u i h.”

    Halleluih indeed! Never stop writing your words, Kim. Never.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    October 29, 2014 at 2:20 am

    My favourite paragraph from this post Kim: “Because mourning doesn’t have a time limit. Because grief is born into the world, but doesn’t expire until we do. Because tequila doesn’t numb the pain. Because suicide hurts just as much as murder.” You express your grief so eloquently that makes it understandable and palpable for everyone else. xxx
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..Rich, Dense and Fudgey Black Sesame & Chocolate Cake!My Profile

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    October 30, 2014 at 1:10 am

    So touching, heart-breaking and beautiful!
    ladyfi recently posted..Wide horizonsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Annette Molitor
    October 30, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    And he can stop her voice no more. She soars through fluffy clouds because she can. No-one can stop her. She’ll fly as high as she wants, and as often as she wants to. Because demons cannot rip her feathers. She is the tiny bird that perches on the end of your pen when you write. It whispers in your ear what she knows you need to hear. It sings you to sleep each night with a sweet lullaby. She cannot be caged because prisons are forbidden in her paradise. When it is dark and gloomy to us, she only sees cerulean blue and sunlight. She looks forward to the day when you can join her in her paradise.

    Blessings,

    Little Chickie
    Annette Molitor recently posted..The Light Shines In DarknessMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 30, 2014 at 6:10 pm

      ******She is the tiny bird that perches on the end of your pen****
      —quite honesty,
      one of the most beautiful, stunning comment I’ve ever read. thank you, darling. xxxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..The Light Shines In DarknessMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie Reilly
    November 2, 2014 at 11:01 am

    Halleluiah!!
    I love you!

  • Reply
    Gary Sidley
    November 3, 2014 at 9:26 am

    It is inspiring to hear that you’ve survived and can function. I wish you strength for the future.

    I hope the title of my last post doesn’t cause any offence.
    Gary Sidley recently posted..The day I almost killed my brotherMy Profile

  • Reply
    Anna @ shenANNAgans
    November 19, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Lots of love & hugs to you across the oceans. You are one heck of an awesome lady, love that you beat the drum loud and clear for those that cannot. You ROCK! xoxo
    Anna @ shenANNAgans recently posted..Smooth OperatorMy Profile

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