The Lord turned to me and He heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, and out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on rock. He put a new song in my mouth……Psalm 40:1–3
—–I’ve been inside the black hole of depression.
And it hurts like triple hell. Wait, that’s not completely true. What I mean to say is–it hurts, but it doesn’t hurt. It hurts because you know intellectually you are without sensation, without emotion, without heartbeat, without passion, without joy. It hurts because you know life isn’t supposed to be that way. It hurts because night has fallen even when the sun is shining & the shadows are killing you little by little. It hurts because you’ve disappeared and you’re not sure how to find your way back home.
How do you find your way back home?
Sylvia Plath said, “The silence depressed me. It wasn’t the silence of silence. It was my own silence.”
Silence. Emptiness. Vacancy.
I remember soaking in bathwater feeling nothing. An absence, a void, something unfilled. How can one be immersed in warm water and feel nothing? I sat there for a long time allowing the water to wash over me… ‘What good is this, what good is anything?’ So, I got out of the water to sit on the couch and still I felt nothing.
You see, you can’t escape it. It follows you. It creeps inside of you.
Depression is like a death. The only difference being you’re still breathing, walking, talking, cooking dinner, going to work, pretending, lying.
You’re still applying your vivid red lipstick deceiving the whole fucking world.
It’s exhausting, but you know the world wouldn’t understand….might think you’re crazy, insane, weak.
After my sister’s murder, I confessed to one of my root friends, “I don’t know how I can take anymore of this. I don’t know if I want to. I think of ways to kill myself all day long.”
She looked at me and said three words. That’s all.
I. Love. You.
Surprisingly, despair and sadness can be unobserved entirely to the outsider.
A perfect example of this was Robin Williams. How can somebody that cheerful, funny, talented, and remarkable be hiding a massive secret like that?
He was. Just as millions of others are. And by the way, if you’re assuming people who are in a depressive state as weak, you are mistaken. You are misinformed. You are ignorant.
These individuals are strong simply because they keep on living, breathing, smiling, loving.
I dreamed I was inside a black hole trying to claw my way back up. My fingernails were packed with mud and my heart was pumping wildly. I kept falling backwards into the hole, and I heard a voice calling my name, “Come back, Kim. The light is up here. Come back.”
But that doesn’t mean I’m whole. It merely means, I made the choice to live. Even if that means, yes, living without my sister.
———Dear, Reader, remember, my story is not your story. If you need help, it is available. You are cherished, valued, and loved. If you want to tell me your story, contact me above…. or say a little in the comments below.
–National Suicide Hotline open 24/7: 1-800-273-8255