I Was Blind, But Now I See

elizabeth

Kim,
I learned from my Buddhist meditation classes, that behind the clouds are blue skies. Always. David’s death still can make my sob even after almost 18 years, but I know he is around and that I will see him one day. I plan on taking him on the plane trip on Sunday. I need him to hold my hand. xxx
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Britton Swingler

I feel great joy (and tears) at your news. That the veil is shifting, even a tiny bit, is exquisite and beautiful…even as it leaves the rest of the face in darkness.

No one can judge another’s mourning, and as you know, there is no way to assign a timeframe to it – when it will hurt less, when it will make sense (it won’t), when you can smile again, when you won’t want to be with them instead of here, when others will understand, when a rose will again smell sweet.

You asked about the light going out…and I may have already shared this with you. If so, forgive me. Six months before I was born, my sister went blind (16 years old). Of course I didn’t feel this as a loss because it was just how I knew her, but I realize that it shadowed our family, and especially her twin.

I started losing those I loved when I was eight, and it continued on in a regular fashion (I was born to an older mother) until I was twelve, when I lost my dad eighteen months after losing my stepfather. But the real darkness came when I was 39 and my sister was diagnosed with cancer. Sixteen years she fought as the cancer attacked various parts of her body. I held her hand as she took her last breath ten years ago February. I didn’t realize the darkness was so stifling, as I was raising children and just kept on, but part of me, so close to her, left when she died. The last two years have been a thawing, in more ways than one. Eventually, I’ll write about it. Thank you for asking. It’s painful but soothing to talk about her.
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Balroop Singh

Hi Kim,

I can almost see that light, I hope it will brighten your days and filter into your thoughts to alleviate your pain. Darkness drags us into self made tunnels but the spark lies within us. Unless we give it a bit of whiff, it doesn’t ignite.

All of us have to go through such moments of utter dejection, depression and darkness…that is the divine test we have to go through! Most pass, some with flying colours and some keep struggling, refusing to fail. Succour awaits us at the end of road…every night has a dawn, it may be gray but slowly it brightens.
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nan @ lbddiaries

During a dark period in my life there was a night I was driving along a twisty road and thought, “It would be far better to drive off this cliff and just let it all go” and the pressure to just DO that was powerful. It was a siren calling me, “Do it, do it, DO IT!” The pressure to drive toward death was strong but brief because a second later I thought, “That’s just ridiculous. I don’t want to die over something like this.”

I realized that I was living so far into darkness that I hadn’t even realized it. It had been so long since I’d seen light, I’d forgotten it. I also realized, in a small way, the power of the unrelenting pressure that can cause people to give up completely. And I realized that by God’s grace I made it to that next second where I could say “NO!”. That was a beginning to finding myself on a healing pathway lighted by the mercy of God.
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Tia

Love you more than Dove Dark Chocolate!

Manal The Go Go Girl

I just love love reading your posts. I’m so glad that you’re seeing the light and there’s no doubt that the pain is still there and will always be there. The key is to learn how to cope with it. Meditation, Yoga and exercise always work for me. Hugs and kisses!
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Debi

What I’m saying is . . . I LOVE your self-description as a Picasso painting. I saw you distorted and fragmented. I LOVE how the shadows have altered into lit candles. I can see the light. And I LOVE how you let the light into your home.

I had an entire decade that was dark–from the age of 19 to 29. Dark as dark can be. But there was that golden thread that kept me connected to God to Source to Love and Hope. That thread never broke and for that I am grateful.

Xo
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Annette Molitor

Dear Kim, I’ve learned that not all men are bad. But I had to learn that (I) was part of the problem. I was allowing losers into my life. I had to learn some things about Annette and how she developed toxic emotions, thus allowing toxic men into her life.

One day I saw the light. I woke up and realized I’m a daughter of God, and God does not want his daughters to congregate with monsters. I’m free. I’ll never let another monster so much as brush elbows with me in the street.

I’m free to be me, and love me as I am. AMEN to that.

Sincerely,

Little Chickie
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Jann

So beautiful, Kim. And how happy I am for you that light is starting to seep into your life. Kay must be smiling too.
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Choc Chip Uru

This is like some light coming through your life, which you deserve after so much darkness. I am so so happy for you and I know Kay is smiling down at you.

Hugs
Uru
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Mike

“Bloodless poems…” that gave me goosebumps, Kim! I loved to read about the veil rising and the light beginning to appear. You ARE a voice and beautifully perfect one at that! We love you so very much! 🙂
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Susan Casey

Kim,
Since my brother’s death in February…I’ve been down in the dark cellar of grief. I step outside sometimes to reassure myself the sun really does come out and hangs in the sky like an old friend…I just haven’t been able to feel it…really feel it. Your posts are so comforting to me…to know…to believe…that with time life will feel joyful again even with the absence. As always, thank you Kim for sharing the rawest and most true parts of your life…your process with all of us.
Only love always,
Susan
.

Meditating mummy

Beautiful post Kim. Wishing you so much light. So happy to read that a veil is lifting.. As gentle and slow as it is for you, it will lift completely.
I’ve been where you are for I lost my dad when I was 23. It was sudden, it was great for him but not for us, his family. We didn’t understand it, we struggled through the mush, wading this way and that without any light. I was grateful to be raised a Buddhist. Through awareness, meditation and the understanding of how the body works, how death works, what it means to die… I saw myself through. Courage and lots of it helped. As long as I live however, the trauma of loss will accompany me wherever I go, even my own preparations re. family.
Hugs
xxx
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Jennifer Richardson

oh my heart….this is such rich sweet goodness:)
you’re a psalmist, friend:)
thanks for this beautiful inspire,
Jennifer
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TheKitchenLioness

Dear Kim, so much hope and strength in your words.

Love,
Andrea

Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella

I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through. Nobody should really have to go through it. I wish you only hope, love and light xxx
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Kristi Campbell

A poem without blood. I know that feeling. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your sister and can relate to the lightness and darkness of being, but not as much over the loss, although I get it and can imagine (as opposed to “I can’t imagine”).
I’m happy to read that you’re seeing lightness, and hope, and feeling, again. This is incredibly written and amazing in 1,002 ways. I’m really glad I read this tonight. Sometimes, I feel like putting our thoughts out there is so bleh and then, I read this, and am like “yeah. that’s why.” So we remember to feel the other peoples’ feels.
thanks for that, and peace to you. big peace. The Biggest.
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Stacey

Beautiful! You nailed it. I lost my sister 25 years ago. I miss her every single day.

Debbie

GOOD for you, Kim! Welcome back! Yes, the road back is a journey — one that’s going to take many years (and probably never be finished!) — but what you’re seeing is progress. And that’s GOOD!

You know, of course, that light is stronger than darkness. God is light, and He has overcome this world, with all its meanness and evil and pain. He will make all things right in the end!

This is such a beautiful expression of how you feel, darling — thank you for putting yourself out there!
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Monica

My dark period was going through my divorce (which is a kind of death) and losing both my parents all at the same time. Add to that I was unemployed. I was still in my thirties when that happened and I didn’t think I’d get past it. Yes, it was a very dark time.

I thought about you this week when I heard about the Texas story, where the ex went hunting down his ex-wife’s family and killed an entire family except the teen daughter. She’s called a hero. But she lost her family and I wonder how will she move forward. My heart goes out to them. So heartbreaking and so tragic. I wish that ex had just killed himself instead. If you could, what do you think you could say to that girl? What words are there to say? It’s so emotional and I can’t fathom why we need to have so many guns in this world, that make it easier for these lunatics to do their vile deeds.
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Marie

“Mourning never stops”. This is the harsh and odious truth KIM.
But when you lose yourself into darkness, when you gaze at the heavy clouds, you finally see a glimpse of gold, a ray of sunshine, a drop of peace and God presence over and over again.

There was this time in my life, when I left Ireland, 7 months pregnant, after my ex-husband threatened to kill me if I was to leave him, after months of harassment and silences, heavy silences, manipulation. I was scared to give birth. I was a stranger in my own body. My eyes were full of tears and all joy had escaped them. I was wondering whether I would smile again, whether it would not be better to die, to fall down thE stairs, to drift away, to let the water absorb me (and the baby I was carrying).
But after 18 months, I start seeing the sun again, I start moving definitely away from this man who ruined 4 years of my life and destroyed my faith, my confidence. I am proud to say “never give up on life. God is always by your side even when you are full of anger at him, even when you don’t feel his presence, even when life is full of bullshit and pain”.

Your VOICE Kim is PEACE for many people, is showing us that we should never DISPAIR, that we are never completely ALONE in the battles whe have to face, in the sufferings we have to endure.
THANK YOU. xoxo
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Sandra

Yes, nine years ago I ran away from home, literally I ran with only my cell phone and a dish towel in my hand. That was a horrible time for my family and I. By the grace of God all is well and so are we.
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Lisa @ The Meaning of Me

The shadows have altered into lit candles – that’s a wonderful thing. This is applicable in so many ways to so many people – mourning is something that has a very wide definition, I think. To reach a place where we can see a shift in focus, a light shining through the dark – no matter how small – that is where the healing really begins. I wish you peace always.
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Bryan Jones

Beautifully written. I’ve been very fortunate in not yet having lost anyone from my core circle. I’ve felt the pain of my father-in-law’s death and my faithful dog, but not the gut-wrenching disintegration that you describe so eloquently. Of course, such losses are imminent (both my parents are in their 80s).

A memorable and moving post.
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Hilary

“the shadows have lit into candles…” Beautiful!

Sending you hugs
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Liz

I’m so glad your journey is leading you to the light. I cannot even imagine what you’ve gone through…and still deal with each day. We had a difficult time with our daughter…she matured, thank goodness, and seems to have snapped out of her reckless behavior. So happy to have found the light again, too. xo
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Carrie Rubin

Gorgeous piece. So lovely to hear that some light has peaked through, even if the darkness still rears its ugly head more often than not.
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Marcia @ Menopausal Mother

So beautiful, so painful, and so very relatable. This October marks five year since I lost my sister. Yes, the veil has been lifted but the pain is still haunting me. I wonder if I will ever stop hurting and stop missing her.
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Sandy Ramsey

Kim, I am always in awe when I read your words. You write with no abandon and your pain and love are so evident all over the page. You are a voice, THE voice for many. While it comes nowhere near your own pain and sense of loss, I feel so very sad about your sister and I never even knew her. That is how strong your voice is.