Kim's Blogs

I Was Blind, But Now I See


Mourning is not for the weak or the fragile or the breakable or the inconsolable or the insane.

 

And I, my dears, am all of these things.

 

To be more direct, mourning has broken me wide open and parts of my body and mind and organs were sprawled out all over the place. It was not a pretty sight.

 

I was a Picasso painting—
A lipsticked mouth in sky.  A breast floating.  Auburn hair soaring.  A foot dangling in space.

 

I was a puddle upon the tiled base.

 

I was a poem without blood.  Bloodless poems are worthless words.

 

Mourning is born into the universe with its black fangs, metallic breath, and sharp claws, but it never dies.

 

That’s the whole fucking truth.

 

However, after four years of mourning my sister’s death, I’ve recognized a veil rising ever so slowly.

 

Softly.

 

A small resurrection.

 

A glimpse of God.

 

A burst of perfumed peonies in air.

 

It’s as if I’ve emerged from under ice, my blocked eyes opening.   Finally.

 

It’s as if two people are standing on opposite ends of a stage elevating a heavy, draped curtain for the performance to begin.

 

Let me start again…

 

I was blind—but now I see.

 
No!    Listen!

 

The mourning hasn’t disappeared.

 

That will not happen on earth.

 

What I’m trying to say is the shadows have altered into lit candles.

 

What I’m trying to say is the unrelenting silence has become a VOICE.

 

What I’m trying to say is darkness cannot keep out the light.

 

It has come.     It has come.      It has come.

 

And I have allowed it inside my house.

 

–Darling, Reader, is there a time in your life when you thought you’d never experience LIGHT again? Tell me your story. xx


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118 Comments

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    July 11, 2014 at 10:19 am

    Kim,
    I learned from my Buddhist meditation classes, that behind the clouds are blue skies. Always. David’s death still can make my sob even after almost 18 years, but I know he is around and that I will see him one day. I plan on taking him on the plane trip on Sunday. I need him to hold my hand. xxx
    elizabeth recently posted..The Girl, the Gold Tooth & Everything: a novel by Francine LaSala. The twists and turns are non-stop. Wear a helmet. The interview.My Profile

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    July 11, 2014 at 10:44 am

    It only takes a spark. In the black dark endlessness covering all color… it only takes a spark- to illuminate its entirety. Just a hint of light…

    Darkness is and always exists. But oh, oh, oh… The sparks!

    I can feel your spark from here, precious sister of mine. My eyes are watering from the light.

    I need to know more…

    I need to know MORE! Tell me. Oh I can’t wait to know!
    Chris Carter recently posted..Devotional Diary: Embrace Your Grace. Psalm 139:13-16My Profile

  • Reply
    Britton Swingler
    July 11, 2014 at 10:48 am

    I feel great joy (and tears) at your news. That the veil is shifting, even a tiny bit, is exquisite and beautiful…even as it leaves the rest of the face in darkness.

    No one can judge another’s mourning, and as you know, there is no way to assign a timeframe to it – when it will hurt less, when it will make sense (it won’t), when you can smile again, when you won’t want to be with them instead of here, when others will understand, when a rose will again smell sweet.

    You asked about the light going out…and I may have already shared this with you. If so, forgive me. Six months before I was born, my sister went blind (16 years old). Of course I didn’t feel this as a loss because it was just how I knew her, but I realize that it shadowed our family, and especially her twin.

    I started losing those I loved when I was eight, and it continued on in a regular fashion (I was born to an older mother) until I was twelve, when I lost my dad eighteen months after losing my stepfather. But the real darkness came when I was 39 and my sister was diagnosed with cancer. Sixteen years she fought as the cancer attacked various parts of her body. I held her hand as she took her last breath ten years ago February. I didn’t realize the darkness was so stifling, as I was raising children and just kept on, but part of me, so close to her, left when she died. The last two years have been a thawing, in more ways than one. Eventually, I’ll write about it. Thank you for asking. It’s painful but soothing to talk about her.
    Britton Swingler recently posted..Signs of life: watering miraclesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever
      July 13, 2014 at 6:22 pm

      Britton,
      It doesn’t seem fair how some people are so touched by loss. I always wondered why, but life is truly not fair. I’m glad you told your story, and I know there is more to tell. All I hear is the love in it. Love of people coming together, living through the pain and taking one step after another. And holding hands the whole time.

      How to we live through loss? We just do, one breath at a time. Holding hands with others who understand our pain and are heartened by us who understands theirs.

      Sending love!
      Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love youMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 6:11 am

      –Britton,
      I knew there was a reason that you wrote so beautifully, powerfully.
      It seems that when one has been thru PAIN, the words transform into something more powerful & explosive & symbolic. xxxx LOVE.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Dana
    July 11, 2014 at 10:50 am

    Light gets in through the cracks. I’ve never been at a point where I never thought I’d see light again, but there have been times when it seemed so, so far away. It came back, just as it is slowly coming back for you.

  • Reply
    ed pilolla
    July 11, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    i am moved by your words of light. a small resurrection. a beautiful birth. your path is a song to be sung, and the world listens. you are a wise woman with a growing gift. i am very happy for the four year bend in the path. peace and love…
    ed pilolla recently posted..Madman is looseMy Profile

  • Reply
    ed p
    July 11, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    i am very happy for you. your words are a song to be sung and the world listens. what a beautiful bend in the path four years later. i can’t even imagine the darkness you have moved through, and will always keep with you. i’ve always admired the art and movement you have produced since kay’s death. peace and love…
    ed p recently posted..Madman is looseMy Profile

  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    July 11, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    Hi Kim,

    I can almost see that light, I hope it will brighten your days and filter into your thoughts to alleviate your pain. Darkness drags us into self made tunnels but the spark lies within us. Unless we give it a bit of whiff, it doesn’t ignite.

    All of us have to go through such moments of utter dejection, depression and darkness…that is the divine test we have to go through! Most pass, some with flying colours and some keep struggling, refusing to fail. Succour awaits us at the end of road…every night has a dawn, it may be gray but slowly it brightens.
    Balroop Singh recently posted..Friendship: Why Are Some Friends So Special?My Profile

  • Reply
    Amy@SoulDipper
    July 11, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    I sent your link onto a friend who sits in my heart – next door to you. Her daughter, in her early twenties and exceptionally gorgeous, intelligent and wise, was killed in a car accident just a few years ago. Then, this January, (and I think my friend was JUST beginning to hear the silence) her husband of about 10 years suddenly died from heart complications.

    You both remind me that grief is such a lonely process. Doesn’t matter how much another’s experience matches, your grief is yours and there’s no sense of people REALLY understanding.

    So I’ll just keep loving both of you. The beatitude eventually unfolds…that’s a promise I’ve had fulfilled. However, I also remember believing ‘comfort’ was for everyone else.
    Amy@SoulDipper recently posted..Don’t Be a BoreMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 6:38 am

      Amy,
      sometimes it’s just TOO damn much. My heart aches for your friend. How is she? How does she survive? How can I help? xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    July 11, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    During a dark period in my life there was a night I was driving along a twisty road and thought, “It would be far better to drive off this cliff and just let it all go” and the pressure to just DO that was powerful. It was a siren calling me, “Do it, do it, DO IT!” The pressure to drive toward death was strong but brief because a second later I thought, “That’s just ridiculous. I don’t want to die over something like this.”

    I realized that I was living so far into darkness that I hadn’t even realized it. It had been so long since I’d seen light, I’d forgotten it. I also realized, in a small way, the power of the unrelenting pressure that can cause people to give up completely. And I realized that by God’s grace I made it to that next second where I could say “NO!”. That was a beginning to finding myself on a healing pathway lighted by the mercy of God.
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  • Reply
    Ellen M. Gregg
    July 11, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    Yes. And part of welcoming the return of the light was to surrender to the fact that it would come in its time, not my time, or the time of someone who thought “it damn well” [should have come back] “by now.”

    The other understanding – the understanding that the dark can return – is a little harder to swallow, even though I recognize its truth. However, that understanding doesn’t diminish the light, which I appreciate.

    Love. xoxo
    Ellen M. Gregg recently posted..You’re BeautifulMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 6:46 am

      Ellen,
      the dark will always return because my sister is not w/ me, but I know the light is stronger, brighter, bigger.

      xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Tia
    July 11, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    Love you more than Dove Dark Chocolate!

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    July 11, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    Anne Lamott says it for me.
    “Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”
    Though sometimes it takes forever waiting for that dawn.
    Hugs and caring.

  • Reply
    Manal The Go Go Girl
    July 11, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    I just love love reading your posts. I’m so glad that you’re seeing the light and there’s no doubt that the pain is still there and will always be there. The key is to learn how to cope with it. Meditation, Yoga and exercise always work for me. Hugs and kisses!
    Manal The Go Go Girl recently posted..STOP killing our children!My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 6:48 am

      Dear, Manal.
      always pain, but one learns to incorporate it into one’s life somehow. I find that amazing. Don’t you? Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    dad
    July 11, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Well said Kim. I have had many dark days in my life time. W hen my dad died. my mother. Not only
    family members or friends, but other things that have in my life.
    But the darkest day in my life is when Kay was murdered, With time God showed me their is
    light, with faith, and trust in him I did see light again.
    The Scripture says (GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN ME THAN HE THAT IS IN THE WORLD)

    Love You
    Dad

  • Reply
    Debi
    July 11, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    What I’m saying is . . . I LOVE your self-description as a Picasso painting. I saw you distorted and fragmented. I LOVE how the shadows have altered into lit candles. I can see the light. And I LOVE how you let the light into your home.

    I had an entire decade that was dark–from the age of 19 to 29. Dark as dark can be. But there was that golden thread that kept me connected to God to Source to Love and Hope. That thread never broke and for that I am grateful.

    Xo
    Debi recently posted..Wanna Get Naked With Me?My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 6:51 am

      Debi…
      Love how you describe that golden thread. I’ve imagined many times what would happen if that thread snapped, where I’d be now.
      Well, I guess I wouldn’t be writing this.

      xxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Beverly Diehl
    July 11, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    I think, when we lose someone to death, for a while the pain is SOOOO intense, that it blocks out the reality…. the loved one is still with us. In a memory, a photograph, a “penny from heaven,” a soft breeze across the cheek, a hummingbird hovering (my brother-in-love’s favorite bird) when I was speaking about him at his memorial service. That love cannot be killed or destroyed, only hidden, for a little while.

    So glad the clouds are parting for you, my dear friend.
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  • Reply
    Annette Molitor
    July 11, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    Dear Kim, I’ve learned that not all men are bad. But I had to learn that (I) was part of the problem. I was allowing losers into my life. I had to learn some things about Annette and how she developed toxic emotions, thus allowing toxic men into her life.

    One day I saw the light. I woke up and realized I’m a daughter of God, and God does not want his daughters to congregate with monsters. I’m free. I’ll never let another monster so much as brush elbows with me in the street.

    I’m free to be me, and love me as I am. AMEN to that.

    Sincerely,

    Little Chickie
    Annette Molitor recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    lisa
    July 11, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    I think there are times when something happens that is so painful, it blocks/numbs us from everything tht is still quite beautiful in the world. How fortunate we are that all of those beautiful things wait for us, and are there for us when we’re ready.

    i am so happy for you, Kim, and I am sure it will continue for you. xo.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 6:54 am

      Lisa,
      I’ve come to realize the NUMBING is a blessing. One could not take all of that pain inside at one time. Too much.

      xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jann
    July 11, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    So beautiful, Kim. And how happy I am for you that light is starting to seep into your life. Kay must be smiling too.
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  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    July 11, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Wow!!!

  • Reply
    Choc Chip Uru
    July 11, 2014 at 11:31 pm

    This is like some light coming through your life, which you deserve after so much darkness. I am so so happy for you and I know Kay is smiling down at you.

    Hugs
    Uru
    Choc Chip Uru recently posted..I Had THAT Day…My Profile

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    July 11, 2014 at 11:37 pm

    One has to literally walk through the fire to see the light, Kim! I’ve had my dark moments, the darkest of all being the sudden loss of my Mom. I keep her in my heart as I emerge and see the light. Keeping the light on is another challenge.

    Love you more than that field of sunflowers near our place.

    Hugs! I love your posts. They are lyrical and like poetry for my heart!
    Vidya Sury recently posted..What’s That Smell? Body OdorMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mike
    July 12, 2014 at 12:19 am

    “Bloodless poems…” that gave me goosebumps, Kim! I loved to read about the veil rising and the light beginning to appear. You ARE a voice and beautifully perfect one at that! We love you so very much! 🙂
    Mike recently posted..A Grilled Veggie Pizza Delight From Last Winter!My Profile

  • Reply
    Sebastian Aiden Daniels
    July 12, 2014 at 5:31 am

    Over time our pain over an event will become bearable. It may never disappear fully, but it won’t destroy when it comes up as it does in the early days. Yes I have felt unbearable pain that I thought would never end. Both were related to breakups and eventually the pain around them stopped after a year. I still feel sad if I really think about it, but for the most part it is gone. I know it isn’t at all close to what you are feeling and experienced, but I hope that it continues to be easier to bear with in the future.

    Much love sent your way!
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 7:50 am

      Sebastian,

      I know I will always live w/ this missing, longing, & pain…YES. I. Will.
      but I also know that God will use it for good…
      also, I will see Kay in paradise one day. xxx Love to you.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Susan Casey
    July 12, 2014 at 7:24 am

    Kim,
    Since my brother’s death in February…I’ve been down in the dark cellar of grief. I step outside sometimes to reassure myself the sun really does come out and hangs in the sky like an old friend…I just haven’t been able to feel it…really feel it. Your posts are so comforting to me…to know…to believe…that with time life will feel joyful again even with the absence. As always, thank you Kim for sharing the rawest and most true parts of your life…your process with all of us.
    Only love always,
    Susan
    .

  • Reply
    Carolyn Hughes
    July 12, 2014 at 8:18 am

    I am so inspired by your strength Kim. You bring light to a dark world and hope to those who feel hopeless. Love you! xx
    Carolyn Hughes recently posted..A Soft Place to FallMy Profile

  • Reply
    Meditating mummy
    July 12, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    Beautiful post Kim. Wishing you so much light. So happy to read that a veil is lifting.. As gentle and slow as it is for you, it will lift completely.
    I’ve been where you are for I lost my dad when I was 23. It was sudden, it was great for him but not for us, his family. We didn’t understand it, we struggled through the mush, wading this way and that without any light. I was grateful to be raised a Buddhist. Through awareness, meditation and the understanding of how the body works, how death works, what it means to die… I saw myself through. Courage and lots of it helped. As long as I live however, the trauma of loss will accompany me wherever I go, even my own preparations re. family.
    Hugs
    xxx
    Meditating mummy recently posted..Good to be back..My Profile

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    July 12, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    I’m so glad there is now light in your life. Yes, darkness must not overcome. And your quote is from my most favourite hymn, Amazing Grace. Not only are there powerful words in the hymn but there is such an amazing story behind those words – a cruel slave-trader has a God-encounter and turns his life around. There is hope for us all! xx
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  • Reply
    Jennifer Richardson
    July 12, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    oh my heart….this is such rich sweet goodness:)
    you’re a psalmist, friend:)
    thanks for this beautiful inspire,
    Jennifer
    Jennifer Richardson recently posted..because the blooming fields….My Profile

  • Reply
    Gary Philip Pennick
    July 12, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    My dear friend,

    It’s always darkest before the dawn. The dawn that shows new hope in what sometimes seems to be a hopeless world. A revelation. A renewal. Your heart sees the light where once you were overwhelmed with dark.

    And your lucid words. A cleansing for your ongoing renewal.

    There was a time in my life when rainbows were of black, of grey, of white. Then I opened my eyes. saw beyond the fog and knew that I would be just fine.

    Keep going and I cheer you on, dear Kim.

    Hugs and hope,

    Gary 🙂 x
    Gary Philip Pennick recently posted..A New Adventure Trail.My Profile

  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    July 12, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    Dear Kim, so much hope and strength in your words.

    Love,
    Andrea

  • Reply
    Alison
    July 13, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    You deserve the light. I’m glad you have it back in your life. xoxo
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  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    July 13, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through. Nobody should really have to go through it. I wish you only hope, love and light xxx
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  • Reply
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape...
    July 13, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    There’s so much I love about this poem, Kim….” the unrelenting silence has become a VOICE.” Indeed it has and one that is helping so many! xoxo hugs!
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  • Reply
    Kristi Campbell
    July 13, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    A poem without blood. I know that feeling. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your sister and can relate to the lightness and darkness of being, but not as much over the loss, although I get it and can imagine (as opposed to “I can’t imagine”).
    I’m happy to read that you’re seeing lightness, and hope, and feeling, again. This is incredibly written and amazing in 1,002 ways. I’m really glad I read this tonight. Sometimes, I feel like putting our thoughts out there is so bleh and then, I read this, and am like “yeah. that’s why.” So we remember to feel the other peoples’ feels.
    thanks for that, and peace to you. big peace. The Biggest.
    Kristi Campbell recently posted..My Listen to Your Mother Video: Being a Special Needs MomMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 3:53 pm

      Kristi,
      I have a feeling you understand “pain.” Your words are powerful & you have inspired me. Thank you. xxx

      btw, I work in a room w/ 10 autistic boys and 1 girl. They totally crack me up!
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    reneejohnsonwrites
    July 14, 2014 at 3:47 am

    I admire your openness and raw emotion. And this quote says it all:

    “Mourning is born into the universe with its black fangs, metallic breath, and sharp claws, but it never dies.”

    I know what you mean. Just when you think you’ve gotten a few peaceful moments, it rears its head. But then, those moments become a bit more spaced out and there’s more time between battles.

    Hugs my friend. Another fantastic post!!
    reneejohnsonwrites recently posted..The GalleyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Stacey
    July 14, 2014 at 6:08 am

    Beautiful! You nailed it. I lost my sister 25 years ago. I miss her every single day.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      Stacey,
      25 years & still the missing, longing, loving…I will hold on forever.
      Love coming your way, dear. xx you know what it’s like to lose a sister…
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Deborah Batterman
    July 14, 2014 at 7:15 am

    I can’t help but be touched, Kim, as much by the stories you’ve generated in the comments as much as your own. In my darkest times, I do my best to remind myself, as Mary Oliver puts it so succinctly, ‘Things take the time they take.’ Here’s the short sweet poem

    Don’t Worry

    Things take the time they take. Don’t
    worry.
    How many roads did St. Augustine follow
    before he became St. Augustine?

    Speaking of all things poetic, some of your images are just beautiful: ‘I was a Picasso painting—
    A lipsticked mouth in sky. A breast floating. Auburn hair soaring. A foot dangling in space.’
    Deborah Batterman recently posted..Summertime BluesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie
    July 14, 2014 at 8:49 am

    GOOD for you, Kim! Welcome back! Yes, the road back is a journey — one that’s going to take many years (and probably never be finished!) — but what you’re seeing is progress. And that’s GOOD!

    You know, of course, that light is stronger than darkness. God is light, and He has overcome this world, with all its meanness and evil and pain. He will make all things right in the end!

    This is such a beautiful expression of how you feel, darling — thank you for putting yourself out there!
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  • Reply
    ladyfi
    July 14, 2014 at 9:29 am

    You write so beautifully!
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  • Reply
    Monica
    July 14, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    My dark period was going through my divorce (which is a kind of death) and losing both my parents all at the same time. Add to that I was unemployed. I was still in my thirties when that happened and I didn’t think I’d get past it. Yes, it was a very dark time.

    I thought about you this week when I heard about the Texas story, where the ex went hunting down his ex-wife’s family and killed an entire family except the teen daughter. She’s called a hero. But she lost her family and I wonder how will she move forward. My heart goes out to them. So heartbreaking and so tragic. I wish that ex had just killed himself instead. If you could, what do you think you could say to that girl? What words are there to say? It’s so emotional and I can’t fathom why we need to have so many guns in this world, that make it easier for these lunatics to do their vile deeds.
    Monica recently posted..Hangin’ with My DaughterMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 6:02 am

      —-Monica,
      I sat with the Domestic Abuse directly shortly after Kay was murdered and I asked,
      “WHY? Why didn’t he just kill himself? WHY?”

      She said this, & I’ll never forget,
      “Because she was his.” BASTARD.

      Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Rita @ The Crafty Expat
    July 14, 2014 at 10:41 pm

    You have such a beautiful way with words Kim. Mourning will never disappear but I’m so glad light is back into your life.
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  • Reply
    Marie
    July 15, 2014 at 1:27 am

    “Mourning never stops”. This is the harsh and odious truth KIM.
    But when you lose yourself into darkness, when you gaze at the heavy clouds, you finally see a glimpse of gold, a ray of sunshine, a drop of peace and God presence over and over again.

    There was this time in my life, when I left Ireland, 7 months pregnant, after my ex-husband threatened to kill me if I was to leave him, after months of harassment and silences, heavy silences, manipulation. I was scared to give birth. I was a stranger in my own body. My eyes were full of tears and all joy had escaped them. I was wondering whether I would smile again, whether it would not be better to die, to fall down thE stairs, to drift away, to let the water absorb me (and the baby I was carrying).
    But after 18 months, I start seeing the sun again, I start moving definitely away from this man who ruined 4 years of my life and destroyed my faith, my confidence. I am proud to say “never give up on life. God is always by your side even when you are full of anger at him, even when you don’t feel his presence, even when life is full of bullshit and pain”.

    Your VOICE Kim is PEACE for many people, is showing us that we should never DISPAIR, that we are never completely ALONE in the battles whe have to face, in the sufferings we have to endure.
    THANK YOU. xoxo
    Marie recently posted..Times of changeMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 15, 2014 at 6:07 am

      —-Marie,
      I find it amazing that one can feel sun inside darkness, see light inside despair.

      The only reason I can think this happens is because GOD LIVES, God Lives. God Lives.

      So glad you left your abuser, dear. And I smile knowing your life is coming back together.

      you. are. beautiful. xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I Was Blind, But Now I SeeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jeri
    July 15, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    There’s such a poetic and haunting quality about these lines. Your emotional journey comes across loud and clear. Have you ever thought of doing podcasts and reading any of your posts aloud?
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  • Reply
    Sandra
    July 15, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Yes, nine years ago I ran away from home, literally I ran with only my cell phone and a dish towel in my hand. That was a horrible time for my family and I. By the grace of God all is well and so are we.
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    Liz Mays
    July 15, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    I knew this day would come for you, and I am so, so, SO happy that you’re ready to live again! xo
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    Lisa @ The Meaning of Me
    July 15, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    The shadows have altered into lit candles – that’s a wonderful thing. This is applicable in so many ways to so many people – mourning is something that has a very wide definition, I think. To reach a place where we can see a shift in focus, a light shining through the dark – no matter how small – that is where the healing really begins. I wish you peace always.
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      My Inner Chick
      July 16, 2014 at 7:18 am

      Lisa,
      in the beginning, many of my essays dealt with “snuffed out candles.”

      But I’m observing them igniting again.

      this is HUGE for a crazy woman like me! xx
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    Alice
    July 15, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    It’s always incredible to read of the way your touch people’s lives Kim. Your blog has given msny people an outlet for some really heavy things, happening in their lives. In that way it truly serves a higher purpose as it’s a safe place to come & discuss things in life.

    When I was really, really young, I lost my best friend when she committed suicide. There was a lot of guilt & sadness back them, (for close to 6 years.) It’s nearly decades since that all happened and now that I’m older & living my life (to hopefully) my best potential, I feel a different sort of sadness. Not sorrow, as I initially did, but a kind of happy-sad, wish she was here kind of feeling. But by living to the best of our abilities and pursuing our dreams, we honour the people we lost, because we choose to accept life is a gift! 🙂
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    Bryan Jones
    July 16, 2014 at 1:02 am

    Beautifully written. I’ve been very fortunate in not yet having lost anyone from my core circle. I’ve felt the pain of my father-in-law’s death and my faithful dog, but not the gut-wrenching disintegration that you describe so eloquently. Of course, such losses are imminent (both my parents are in their 80s).

    A memorable and moving post.
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    Mandy - The Complete Book
    July 16, 2014 at 1:42 am

    My dearest Kim, you give me hope. If you are able to let the light in again, I pray that I can too with something which is not even worth mention in comparison to the loss you have suffered.
    I have the most horrific time with my husbands two children who have caused endless heartache with so many people in the family and in their adult years continue to manipulate and guilt my Pete into so much so often – so very often. The most gracious I can be is to say they are so very different to him and I and I need to come to terms with the reality that they will never go away – so painfully sickening.
    This was not the right forum to share this but today I needed to get it out. Thank you darling Kim for being the sounding board I needed.
    Love to you across the oceans.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
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      My Inner Chick
      July 16, 2014 at 7:23 am

      Mandy,
      this is ALWAYS the right forum. Please know that. This is a place for releasing whatever you wish to say…

      Love flowing to South Africa. xxx
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    Hilary
    July 16, 2014 at 4:15 am

    “the shadows have lit into candles…” Beautiful!

    Sending you hugs
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    Debbie
    July 16, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    Powerful writing here, Kim and I’m so glad the light is finally shining through for you. Everyone grieves at their own pace and hopefully, the waves become shorter and less frequent over time. So sorry for your loss!

    You asked about our own experiences: Recently, (2010-2012) I went through a period of blackness, when my father was dying and finally succumbed to lung cancer. Back in 1971, a boyfriend was killed in a car crash. That one haunted me for years.

    May the periods of light get longer and longer for you!
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    Liz
    July 16, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    I’m so glad your journey is leading you to the light. I cannot even imagine what you’ve gone through…and still deal with each day. We had a difficult time with our daughter…she matured, thank goodness, and seems to have snapped out of her reckless behavior. So happy to have found the light again, too. xo
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    Kimberly
    July 17, 2014 at 6:08 am

    A poem without blood.
    Kim, even though our respective journey’s are different, I can connect with your words. In your words, you give me new perspective on healing and I connect with them.
    Unrelenting silence…give that bitch a voice.
    And shout it.
    And heal not only yourself, but people like me.
    xoxo
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    Carrie Rubin
    July 17, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Gorgeous piece. So lovely to hear that some light has peaked through, even if the darkness still rears its ugly head more often than not.
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    Barbara @ Barbara Bakes
    July 18, 2014 at 4:35 am

    Beautifully written. I especially loved the phrase “A burst of perfumed peonies in air”. My favorite flower and their fragrance is amazing. It’s a shame the flower is so short lived, as many of God’s most beautiful creations are. Hugs!
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    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
    July 18, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    So beautiful, so painful, and so very relatable. This October marks five year since I lost my sister. Yes, the veil has been lifted but the pain is still haunting me. I wonder if I will ever stop hurting and stop missing her.
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    Charlotte
    July 22, 2014 at 7:22 am

    “I was a poem without blood. Bloodless poems are worthless words.” <This, quite literally, took my breath away. I love the way you choose your words. So very much.

    There is so much hope here. I am overjoyed that you are letting the light and the love back in. All in due time, right? XOXO
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    Sandy Ramsey
    July 29, 2014 at 11:06 am

    Kim, I am always in awe when I read your words. You write with no abandon and your pain and love are so evident all over the page. You are a voice, THE voice for many. While it comes nowhere near your own pain and sense of loss, I feel so very sad about your sister and I never even knew her. That is how strong your voice is.

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