Kim's Blogs

5 Reasons My Life Is Like “Orange Is The New Black”


 

 

1. THE COOKING SUCKS, BUT THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GETTING


Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy cooking.

 

But when I’m stringing words together, I sort of disappear into the story, the memories, the narrative. I sort of forget the world around me, you know?

 

Thus, the burnt bacon on Saturday mornings, the snotty eggs, the black toast.

 

“Kim, you’re burning the bacon again,” says Mr. Liverpool.

 

“I thought that’s the way you liked it, hon.” I answer.

 

Behind these doors, you get what you’re given, dude, & you’ll freaking like it. ( of course, I don’t say this aloud! )

 

2. I KNEW THE REAL CRAZY EYES


When I worked as a croupier, there was a Bahamian girl who loved me. Her eyes burned holes thru my skin like a lit cigarette.

 

Doesn’t that feel good?   Doesn’t that turn you on?

 

The heat made me quite uneasy.

 

Glancing up from the blackjack table, I’d see her staring, smiling, winking, her white teeth glimmering from across the slot machines, the roulette wheel, the rolling cigarette smoke.

 

I say to Mr. Liverpool, “I think this chick digs me. What should I do?”  He’s no help.

 

On one of my nightshifts, the pit boss brings me over a dozen red roses.

 

How sweet.   How kind of Mr. L.   It wasn’t even my birthday or anything.

 

Walking to the break room to put the roses in a vase, I hear a loud clickity clack behind me getting closer & closer.

 

Yes, It was Crazy Eyes.

 

“HEEeeeey, Gorgeous!” she yells. “Did you get the roses?”

 

I gulp.    I freeze.

 

I have loads of words stored up to say to her: I’m married. I don’t like girls, well, not in the way you do. Stop looking at me from across the craps table. You’re eyes are burning my skin.

 

…but all I manage to utter is, “Thank you.”

 

3. TRUE GIRLFRIENDS STICK TOGETHER WITHOUT JUDGMENT

On one my Minneapolis excursions, I go little wild, a little crazy, a little too many pomegranate martini-y.

 

I dance. I twirl. I’m not sure with whom, but I hear it was, well, dirty dancing. NOooo!  Not Miley Cyrus dancing, more like Jennifer Grey dancing.

 

So,  I come back home and I’m feeling all guilty. A married girl doesn’t behave like this. A Christian girl doesn’t act like that. I’m such a disappointment, and not only that, I have a horrendous, throbbing headache. Ten or more martinis will do that to you.

 

I call my girlfriend, Tia, to confess my sins.

 

I need comfort.    I need somebody to love me, accept me, listen to me without judgment.

 

There’s a long pause on the other end of the line.

 

Finally, she says, “Why the hell didn’t you take me with you, bitch?”

 

And this, my dears, is the reason we’ll be girlfriends forever & ever.

 

4. SMITH COLLEGE ROCKS THE WRITERS


The kick ass author of Orange is the New Black, Piper Kerman, graduated from Smith.

 

This is the same all female college that Sylvia Plath, my favorite writer /poet of all time graduated from.

 

Ariel.   The Bell Jar.   Lazarus.   Colossus.   Daddy.   Elm.   The first poet to win the Pulitzer Prize.

 

Yeah, that Sylvia Plath

 

When Plath wrote to her mother about her experience at Smith, she said, “ “The world is splitting open at my feet like a ripe, juicy watermelon.”

 

I wonder if Piper felt the same way.   Well, did you, Piper?

 

5. INMATES WEAR ORANGE BECAUSE IT’S PART OF THE PUNISHMENT


I gained 50 pounds during my second pregnancy.   Shut Up.

 

I guess it was from the big ass chocolate donuts I devoured for breakfast everyday.

 

Why, oh, why didn’t I crave pickles like other women?   You know those women, right?  Those annoying, adorable, flawless women who gain 18 pounds, run five miles a day, & teach yoga during their third trimester.

 

I hate those women.

 

Anyway, after the baby was born, I felt skinny, liberated, amazingly sexy.

 

To celebrate, I bought a deep tangerine dress from TJ Max.

 

The first time I wore it, a little shit girl walked up to me at the Miller Hill Mall and asked, “Are you going as a pumpkin for Halloween?”

 

I NEVER wore orange again after that, but I do wear a massive amount of black.

 

—-Darling, Readers, have you watched or read Orange is the New Black?   If so, who is your favorite character?  xx

—-Please like MY INNER CHICK’S Facebook Page Herehttps://facebook.com/MyInnerChick

 


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95 Comments

  • Reply
    Britton Swingle
    July 3, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    Rip-roaringly funny, Kim!
    Britton Swingle recently posted..Signs of life: watering miraclesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Tia
    July 3, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    I Love you! and I love that show!

  • Reply
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape...
    July 3, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    Oh, so much fun, Kim! Nicely written! You know, I haven’t seen the show. I’ve only heard much ado about it. I must tune in! I would’ve gone with you on that ‘tini binge. xo
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  • Reply
    debbie
    July 3, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    I have not watched that show yet but keep hearing so much about it! Have to check it out. You totally had me laughing at the girl that thought you were a pumpkin for Halloween…OMG…I would have died!!!
    debbie recently posted..Fresh Strawberry Cake and Happy 4th of July!!!My Profile

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    July 3, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    I haven’t seen it – but my face hurts right now. And it is your fault. I started smiling early in this post and the smile got wider, and wider, and wider.
    I don’t think it has split – but it was close.

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    July 3, 2014 at 9:33 pm

    Too funny about the orange dress!
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  • Reply
    Jann
    July 3, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    Loopy, funny, crazy Kim! 🙂
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  • Reply
    Manal The Go Go Girl
    July 3, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    I just started watching the show and I’m on the first season. Crazy eyes is my favorite, lol..
    You sound like so much fun..would love to go dancing with you and you can take your girlfriend this time 🙂
    Enjoyed the post!
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  • Reply
    Alison
    July 3, 2014 at 11:03 pm

    Bahahahaha!! That last one killed me. Dying.

    A friend of mine told me that when she was pregnant and wore a purple dress, a coworker asked her if she’d skinned Barney.
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  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    July 3, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    Dear Kim, although I have read about “Orange is the new black”, I have not seen any of the episodes..not available in my neck of the woods – it sounds terrific though, maybe will be be able to follow it in a year or two. We will see. Your post made my morning on this very sunny Friday – busy day and now I know that I got off to a great start. You are hilarious and I am in awe of your writing skills.

    Lots of love from afar,
    Andrea

    P.S.: And, of course, a very Happy 4th of July!
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  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    July 4, 2014 at 2:04 am

    LOL…I love your answer to burnt bacon :-)) It would be really fun to hang around with you.
    Now I am curious about the show…hope it ‘s available in DVD.
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  • Reply
    Choc Chip Uru
    July 4, 2014 at 4:48 am

    Haha orange is probably the most unflattering colour in existence – funny post!

    Cheers
    Choc Chip Uru
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  • Reply
    Ellen M. Gregg
    July 4, 2014 at 6:30 am

    What a hoot! 🙂 I haven’t watched it yet, but it’s in my Netflix queue. I’ve been warned that once I start, I won’t want – or be able – to stop, so I’m scheduling myself a binge-watch day very soon. 🙂

    Happy Independence Day, sweet Kim! Ring it out! 🙂 xoxo
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  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    July 4, 2014 at 7:15 am

    We don’t get the show, but when I first heard about Orange is the new black, I was desperate to read the book and got it recently. I’ll read it and answer your question.

    Gosh, yes, thank heavens for true girlfriends! Mine pass the “”When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” test!

    Love you as much as I love my closest girl friends! ♥
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  • Reply
    Barbara
    July 4, 2014 at 7:26 am

    OMG, Kim! Laugh.Out.Loud. hilarious! I haven’t watched it yet, been too busy moving houses, but it is on my long list of things I will do when the dust settles and we’re in our new home.
    Thanks for the laughs!
    xob
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  • Reply
    Sebastian Aiden Daniels
    July 4, 2014 at 10:28 am

    I have not watched it but this post made me laugh out loud. Thank you for sharing it. Got to love those fucking crazy eyes : D. HAve a great 4th Kim!
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 8, 2014 at 7:54 am

      Sebastian,
      Crazy Eyes ROCKS, man. I’ve known my share of Crazy Eyes. How ’bout you?

      Xxx LOVE!

  • Reply
    Debbie
    July 4, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Darling Kim, I’ve never seen that show — nor have I ever managed to wear orange!! What a funny post you’ve treated us to today. Seriously? That girl sent you ROSES?? Whoa, that would’ve made me speechless. You dear mom did good training you, though — I mean, if you were able to remember your manners during that kind of circumstance…Wow!

    I know just what you mean about the cooking. Hard to concentrate on that when the words are flowing and the Muse is perched on your shoulder. Surely, Mr. L. gets it by now, though. Right?

    Happy Fourth and Happy Weekend!
    Debbie recently posted..Happy Fourth of JulyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com
    July 4, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    Hi Kim! I’m only about 1/2 through the first season but yeah, I agree with every lesson you gave…except maybe the orange one! I happen to love orange and never had a back experience from wearing it so I’ll probably keep it up unless that little shit finds ME! Thanks for the laugh, and yeah, why didn’t you call all of your girlfriends when you went to Vegas????? ~Kathy
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  • Reply
    Mike
    July 4, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    I haven’t read or watched it but your post is hysterical Especially the part in the casino with the unwanted desire of that other woman. Though, I think if you are attractive to both sexes it only goes to validate how smokin’ hot YOU are, Kim! Love ya bunches 🙂
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  • Reply
    Gary
    July 4, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    You went on a fun ramble with this one, didn’t you? I’ve never seen that show. No doubt, cause we end up getting all that American stuff, it will grace these shores.

    I thought Mr. Liverpool would like burnt bacon 🙂 I know I mentioned I visited Liverpool a couple of months ago. I didn’t stay long enough to get my car stolen! Aha and Mersey me!

    Gary 🙂
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  • Reply
    Joe Peterson
    July 4, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    Any show that has smart, writing is my kind of show! Orange is smart – most of the time it’s even unpredictable – I love that. As far as my favorite character – the acting is so good that each character has it’s undeniable charm… But I have to go with Piper. She’s the underdog; the sweet and wholesome girl next door; the girl no one ever thought could get into deep shit like she has; but she’s resilient and creative and moves forth with hope. ❤️

  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    July 4, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Hi Kim,

    I couldn’t understand half of the post as I have no idea about this show. I have worn a lot of orange though…not the bright one, a little subdued hue of it and I love the glow it adds to the face.
    This post reminds me of the novels of James Joyce!
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 8:26 am

      Hi, Balroop,
      to even be in the same sentence as Joyce thrills me. xxx

  • Reply
    Rita @ The Crafty Expat
    July 5, 2014 at 12:43 am

    I have not watched it Kim but clearly I should! I adore your post!
    Totally understand the feeling of disappearing into your story and forgetting about the rest of the world!
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 8:26 am

      Rita,
      do you burn the bacon, too?!! xxx

  • Reply
    Patricia Scattergood
    July 5, 2014 at 7:53 am

    This is a fun post, Chickie. I haven’t read Orange is the New Black but now I’m going to.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 8:27 am

      Hello, sweet Pat.
      You will def. like OITNB. It rocks the words & relationships. xx

  • Reply
    reneejohnsonwrites
    July 5, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    What a fun post! I haven’t been watching much television lately, I must confess. It is all saved for Game of Thrones, one show I positively refuse to miss. Luckily for my edits it is on hiatus til winter. But oh how I miss it.
    reneejohnsonwrites recently posted..The GalleyMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 8:28 am

      Renee,
      I’m on the waiting list at the library for GAME OF THRONES.
      I’m number 17, so I should get it by 2016! Haaaaaaaa. xxxx

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    July 5, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    Haha! Love the Crazy Eyes ep. She knew a good one when she saw one 🙂 xx

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 8:29 am

      Narelle,
      I love your comment!! xx

  • Reply
    Liz
    July 5, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    LOL…your life is anything but dull! You have stories and more stories…and you reel me in with every word.
    PS…as usual, I’m not in the loop with the latest hits. I haven’t seen even a minute of The Orange is the New Black, but I’m sure I’d be hooked if I started watching!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 8:29 am

      Liz,
      you are too busy making exquisite meals and baking lush desserts to be watching Orange is the New Black. Xx RiGHT?

  • Reply
    Deborah Batterman
    July 6, 2014 at 7:10 am

    I can’t say I know the real Crazy Eyes, but I can say that I find myself using some of her gestures when I’m sitting with my husband (i.e., to make sure he’s paying attention). I won’t say anymore re: the second season (in case you haven’t yet seen it thought) but I will say that Jenji Kohan has done suck a kick-ass job in taking Piper Kerman’s story even further. When a show about imprisoned women gets you writing about what you have in common with them, it’s a good thing . . . . and, in fact, it’s categorized as a comedy –though some (especially disturbing) episodes made for a fitful night’s sleep.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 8:31 am

      Deborah,
      you win for the most FABULOUS comment thus far.
      I would love to see your face twisting and rolling your eyes like Crazy Eyes w/
      your hubs. Hilarious. xx

  • Reply
    Phil
    July 6, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Maybe I should start watching this show. Never seen it but heard it’s pretty good. Your post makes it sound like fun!
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      Phil,
      you must take a break from your wild life in NY City and watch this show! xx

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    July 6, 2014 at 11:37 am

    HA! Love this! The pregnant thing reminds me of “What to expect when you are expecting”. Did you see that movie? LOVE it soooo much!! Cracks me UP every time! I love that your friend responded like that- now that’s a true friend. LOVE!!!

    Get that dress out and WEAR it. Maybe you’ll get even more crazy eyes!! 😉

    I’ve never seen Orange is the new black. Have no clue, but this was awesome!!
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 3:09 pm

      Chris,
      no, I haven’t watched that movie, but it’s on Netflix, I believe. Hope you are well. xx kisssssssss

  • Reply
    lisa
    July 6, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    OMG, Kim, this is way too funny!
    I never wear anything orange, but I DO wear way too much black! 🙂
    xo.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      Lisa,
      My closet is mostly black.
      I had to buy scarves to add color to my wardrobe! xxx LOVE.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    July 7, 2014 at 2:15 am

    Kim, I am obsessed with OITNB!! And you had your own Crazy Eyes! :O :O :O My favourite line from this post was “I gained 50 pounds during my second pregnancy. Shut Up.” LOL! xxx
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      Lorraine,
      I knew you’d dig that show!!
      Are you up to date? xx

  • Reply
    Carola Bartz
    July 7, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    I haven’t seen the show (and probably won’t since I don’t like watching TV very much), but the book sounds interesting.
    I had to laugh about the pumpkin! My…. I love wearing orange, much more than black. And I love Sylvia Plath.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 3:11 pm

      Yeah, read the books.
      I think they’d be a kick. O, another Plath lover! YESSSSSS. xxx

  • Reply
    Monica
    July 7, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    Hilarious! I LOVE LOVE that show. Crazy Eyes, V, Piper, Alex, Tasty, you name it. Fantastic characters, awesome story lines, edgy cliffhangers. The best. Lucky you for sharing so many things in common with the best damn show around! And I LOVE the color orange. Tres cool.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 3:12 pm

      Monica,
      Piper hit the jack pot w/ OITNB. I believe it’s HOT because of the female
      relationships. I mean, you it’s Sex and the City behind bars.
      xxx

  • Reply
    Abby
    July 7, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    Just went back and read this post because Hubby and I started binge-watching OITNB this past weekend. Love the show and love this post!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 8, 2014 at 3:13 pm

      Hey,
      aren’t you LOVIN’ it? I watched the whole second series in 2 days!! bad girl. xxx

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Book
    July 8, 2014 at 2:57 am

    I don’t know the show – we don’t get it here yet – I will look out for it and think of you when I watch it.
    I love how honestly you share, it makes me feel like I have known you for many years and we just haven’t seen each other for a drink in a while.
    Love, love, love to you dear Kim!
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 9, 2014 at 7:33 am

      Mandy,
      we have known each other for years! Haven’t we? xxx

  • Reply
    suan boswell
    July 8, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Hello my passionate one, the black orchid of Duluth, the fierce voice for women- and I mean that in the best most wholesome way! LOL
    You could never, ever be a Jack o Lantern! Miss you- sorry to be so MIA. Life got crazy but am trying to keep my eyes in control, ya know?
    My Siamese is spectacular. Such a diva~
    xxoo Susan B

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 9, 2014 at 7:35 am

      AAAAHHH, Susan,

      I’ve miss you. I want to hear everything. Lets talk one day “Voice to Voice.”

      xxxx

      signed,

      the black orchid.

  • Reply
    Sandra
    July 8, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    The show came on as soon as I cancelled Netflix. I will see if I can find it online because I have heard so much about it. And you are hilarious girl!
    Sandra recently posted..Yard CoreMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 9, 2014 at 7:35 am

      Sandra,
      I am HOOKED on Netflix. I just adore the documentaries and such!

      Perhaps you can borrow from the library. xxx

  • Reply
    injaynesworld
    July 8, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    LOL! Love this! I just got Netflix and finished watching the first two seasons. Now I’m in agony waiting for season three. Favorite character: So hard to choose. I kinda adore “Red.”
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 9, 2014 at 7:36 am

      YESSSSSSSSSSS.
      Red. She has A Heart. Great pick, Miss Jayne.

      Btw, are you working on any movies? I find that Fabulous! xx

  • Reply
    Jeri
    July 8, 2014 at 9:59 pm

    I love the show sooooooo much! I haven’t read the memoir, but some reviews mention how it can seem a bit pretentious since everything if filtered through Piper’s POV. The show has so many great roles for women and I really, really like how there’s so much going on with each one. Not too long ago I read an article where someone likened it to Game of Thrones due to all the characters viewers need to keep straight. I think Red might be my favorite character, but there’s a lot to like about many of the others as well.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 9, 2014 at 7:38 am

      Love Red! I agree. She has a heart for the girls.

      I adore the relationships w/ the women.

      It’s a bit like Sex and the City behind bars!

      Xxxx

  • Reply
    Lorraine Reguly
    July 8, 2014 at 10:47 pm

    My favourite colour is black.

    I really enjoyed reading this post. It was entertaining! 🙂

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 9, 2014 at 7:38 am

      Thanks for clicking over into my wild world, Lorraine! xx

  • Reply
    Fireblossom
    July 9, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    Laffin hard @ orange being part of the punishment! I wish some gal would send ME roses, cos i DO like women that way. But Crazyeyes, not.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 9, 2014 at 8:30 pm

      HAaaaaaa.
      I’ll send my Crazy Eyes over to ya. What’s your address? xx

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    July 11, 2014 at 3:46 am

    Not only am I a bacon burner, I am a skin scorcher.
    I cannot for the life of me get that damn bacon to cook properly which means husband has to take me out for breakfast or he cooks that shit himself.
    I am amazed with the actress who plays “crazy eyes”. Am I right? She is fantastic and needs some sort of an award. She’s very convincing.
    Damn that show better hurry up and give me more!
    Kimberly recently posted..If You BlinkMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    July 11, 2014 at 3:47 am

    Damn I meant to add
    xoxxoxo and your flowers are in the mail
    Kimberly recently posted..If You BlinkMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 11, 2014 at 7:55 am

      Kimberly,
      Isn’t Crazy Eyes just fabulous and Oh-So-Crazy!?

      how are you? I’ve missed you! xxx

      I’ll be awaiting my flowers.

  • Reply
    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
    July 11, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Love, love, LOVE this post! One of my favorites! And can I have a big HELL YEAH for NO#3 ?!?
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  • Reply
    Anna @ shenANNAgans
    July 13, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    This post totally made my ‘oh so crappy day’ better…. Thanks for the giggles. 🙂
    I havent seen or read Orange is the New Black, but everyone is talking about it, so I’ll grab me a copy and get watching asap. Thanks again for making me smile, really needed the pick me up.
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  • Reply
    Alison at Diamond-Cut Life
    July 15, 2014 at 7:31 am

    What a freaking hoot!

    Especially the Bahamanian chick who was after you, and the little shit, I mean girl, who asked you if you were going to Halloween as a pumpkin.

    I think that was the same kid who asked me at a playground last year if I was someone’s grandma. (I have never returned to that playground). Isn’t there a place we can lock up kids like that one?
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  • Reply
    Alison at Diamond-Cut Life
    July 15, 2014 at 7:32 am

    Oh by the way I just replied to your kick-ass comment on my last post.
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  • Reply
    Alice
    July 15, 2014 at 10:46 pm

    Love your humour & your spirit Kim! In the d days, people would’ve have said you’ve got spunk! I think life is filled with amazing moments, so there’s no doubt from reading your tales, that you’re getting the better & worst of it at times, but at least you’re living it to the fullest!!! xo
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  • Reply
    Mimi Matthews Passionista At Large
    August 29, 2014 at 8:07 am

    I have been watching on Netflix…after the kids are in bed. It definitely is NOT kid-friendly. Quite explicit, actually. But the story line draws me. AND that it’s all about women. But I wondered if the first season depressed you like it did me? (I don’t watch much T.V., so I’m quite sensitive, I suppose.)

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