Kim's Blogs

The Sun Shines Differently Without You


–Sometimes I sit on the couch while watching Parenthood or something like that and imagine it’s all a dream, a nightmare, something ugly I’ll wake up from.


You know those terrifying dreams when you awaken in a cold sweat uttering, “O’ God, O’ God, I’m glad that wasn’t real.”


It.   Was.   Real.


I imagine you still breathing, smiling, and annoying me with your little idiosyncrasies.


For example, the way you’d clear your throat ever-so-slightly when you were nervous, or when you’d call me at 6:00 in the morning guilting me into a walk on the Waterfront Trail.


“Come on, Kimmie, you know we have lots to talk about.  We can count the animals we see!”


Sometimes I pretend nothing happened at all and things are how they used to be.


Our family together, laughing, beautifully imperfect— arguing about who’s the best at Scattogories, or enjoying a huge Italian spaghetti dinner.


An ordinary life can be abundantly extraordinary. I knew it then and I know it now.


I miss the completeness of it, the wholeness of it.


I miss the person I was when you were here.


It’s astonishing how one can breathe in partial segments.


Without you, nothing quite connects or fits the way it should.


Even the sun shines differently—A different shade of gold.  A different kind of heat.


Sometimes I try to forget that single phone call that changed my life.


“The police are surrounding your sister, Kay’s house. Do you know what’s going on?”


Yes.  I knew immediately.


He fucking killed you.


I always knew he’d kill you.


I knew from the beginning.


I knew instinctually as a cat knows her prey—the way her fur rises when there’s danger.


Sometimes I try to make myself go back to May 25th 2010.


When we were talking about your new life, a better life, a life without your murderer.


Sometimes nothing stays the same.


——–The Kay Marie Sisto Walk To End Domestic Violence will be on May 31st on the Waterfront Trail. Info Below & Our Wish List. xxxX

—20-25 prizes for our brown bag ticket area. (several people already donated)

–Tent $255

–Sound system $150

–Park Permit $120

–T-shirts $1,400

–Postage $250

–TV ads $225

–Billboard $410 – $910 ( Paid)

Get Help Today For Any Kind of Abuse:

Sign up for Kay’s Walk Here:

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  • Reply
    March 29, 2014 at 11:47 am

    You know life will never be the same. It is so wrong. This line resonated with me…

    An ordinary life can be abundantly extraordinary. I knew it then and I know it now.

    More people need to grasp that concept, I think.

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  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    March 29, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Hurting for you, hurting with you. Now and always.

  • Reply
    Deb Reilly
    March 29, 2014 at 11:57 am

    I look at her picture and think of her every single day.
    What a loss for this world! I love you, Kim!

  • Reply
    March 29, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    That’s one of the most painful things about moving on with life. In many regards a person can’t in some areas. There will always be a lingering pain, guilt, memory…whatever the case may be for each person. And your title to this says it all. Oy vey…are the tears pouring down my cheeks right now, Kim. No, the sun never shines the same. Love you so very much, our friend…
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  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    March 29, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    And although the empty gaping hole will constantly groan in your life and in your heart and in your soul, new elements of light, new shades of the sun and it’s warmth will penetrate a new place that is created out of the purpose and mission you are forced to ignite.

    And although that hole will never be filled again, Perhaps? You will find fullness in preventing other souls, hearts and lives from desperately existing with their hole. Maybe? Because of you, they won’t have a hole to bear and they will be saved from such devastation and despair.

    And all to be fulfilled in her name, her honor, her light…
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  • Reply
    Pam Hogeweide
    March 29, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    LOVE to you…… X O X O X O

  • Reply
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape...
    March 29, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    “I miss the person I was when you were here”-such beautiful words to express your loss and how there are no measurements in missing someone you love. This is beautiful and as always, your writing gives me shivers.
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  • Reply
    March 29, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Dear Kim, yes, lots of love to you from afar – I wish I could be there on May 31st to particiapte in the walk in Kay´s name and /or help.
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  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    March 29, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    I still miss my mom terribly although I know she’d never want to be here when she is there, free and enjoying her life up there. So many times I think I will call her to tell her something. Or I miss her most of all during Thanksgiving, her fave holiday and meal. My heart is your heart!
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    • Reply
      nan @ lbddiaries
      March 29, 2014 at 1:14 pm

      oh and p.s. I will go donate again this year – because it is such an amazing thing to be able to give to Kay that way.

  • Reply
    Joan Peterson
    March 29, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Lovely Kim. As always.

    I was at the state Capitol on Friday lobbying for the domestic violence bill that would keep and take guns away from domestic abusers. It looks like it will pass but not soon enough for some of us, right? While In my speech, I mentioned the names of some women who had been shot in domestic shootings. Kay Marie Sisto’s name was in my speech.

    As it turns out, the Clothesline project was in an alcove of the Capitol Rotunda. Kay’s name was on one of those tee-shirts hanging there for 2010. My sister’s was on a tee-shirt hanging there for 1992. I looked at the display. So sad. Too many women die every year because of a jealous or angry husband/partner when they are trying to get out of a relationship.

    Our walk is for a great cause. We can save lives if we do the right thing. It’s too late for us but we are doing this in the names of our beautiful sisters.

    Here is an article about the bill and our lobby day.
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  • Reply
    Jennifer Wolfe
    March 29, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    So exquisitely heart wrenching and beautiful…I’m so sorry you have to live this nightmare. Thoughts of peace coming your way, my dear. ~Jennifer
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  • Reply
    Choc Chip Uru
    March 29, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    That kind of pain I cannot even imagine, but you write so exquisitely from this emotional turmoil. I wish I could make it better my friend.

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  • Reply
    March 29, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    This makes my heart ache, Kimmy. It make my heart break. But that’s appropriate. I just wish you didn’t have to live with this loss. I mean, what you experience now is empty place where your sister should be.

    Hugs from Ecuador,
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  • Reply
    March 29, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    I Love You!

  • Reply
    March 29, 2014 at 7:06 pm

    You are pure, raw and an inspiring spirit. So happy to know you. Hugs!
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  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    March 29, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    My heart beats for you, Kim. Somehow life goes on…but the pain sits deep inside, white hot, and the memories fan the flames. We cover it in layers to pretend we have moved on, but the truth is, the pain never leaves and the phrase “if only” haunts us forever.

    Hugs, my dear Kim. I admire you for what you are doing.

    Love, Vidya
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  • Reply
    March 30, 2014 at 12:01 am

    Kim, your emotions are so raw, so real. What could have been. I love the line about you wishing you were the same person you were when she was living. A gift from God that no human should have the right to take away. Sending you lots of hugs, my dear, dear Kim.
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  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    March 30, 2014 at 2:40 am

    It’s so awful how you knew Kay’s husband was up to no good and had so much evil in his heart yet the worst possible scenario still occurred. I believe we often are all too kind in that we give too much grace to those we suspect will ultimately do us wrong. I so wish this story had a better ending but I rejoice in that one day, there will be a reunion that will beat all others xx
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  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    March 30, 2014 at 3:30 am

    I am going to try to be there again Kim. Of course I am, because this is important and because I love you and where else would I be?

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    March 30, 2014 at 4:02 am

    Nothing is the same without someone you love dearly.

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  • Reply
    March 30, 2014 at 4:48 am

    You have such a gift Kim. Anyone who has experienced loss can understand and feel exactly what you are writing. Been there and nothing looks or shines the same way. Life is still beautiful but just different.
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  • Reply
    Ellen M. Gregg
    March 30, 2014 at 6:39 am

    “The sun shines differently without you…”

    Your title struck me as much as your post, Kim – maybe even more. Just yesterday, I asked my mother, “Do you see how the sun has changed now that we’re into Spring?”

    The difference in its position is obvious, but more subtle is the difference in its light; Winter white has given way to a soft gold – an effect of the season we’re settling into.

    Life is filled with changing seasons, and they aren’t limited to those marked by an Equinox or a Solstice. It makes a poignantly beautiful sense, then, that the sun shines differently without Kay.

    Loving you through all the seasons. xoxo
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  • Reply
    Liz Mays
    March 30, 2014 at 8:22 am

    I love that you’re doing it on the Waterfront Trail where you two spent so much time together. xoxo
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  • Reply
    March 30, 2014 at 11:29 am

    My heart aches for you, sweet friend.
    I will never pretend to know your pain, but your words give me a very good idea.
    I am so sorry.

  • Reply
    March 30, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    Darling Kim, my heart is aching for you. I only have one sister, and we might have our disagreements, but at least she’s here for me to disagree with. How I’d miss her if she weren’t around! A sister truly is a blessing from God, who forbade us from taking the life of someone else. It saddens me that her husband, the one she was supposed to be able to trust, was the one who made the ultimate betrayal. Would that she’d listened to you and your fears! Hang onto your memories, dear friend, and know that one day, you’ll be reunited with Kay. ((( You )))
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  • Reply
    March 30, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    Your pain, profound. Your hope through the pain, doubly profound.

    Bless you and all you do, Kim.

    Hugs and hope,

    Gary x
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  • Reply
    Beth Teliho
    March 30, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    This was touching, and chilling, and gut-wrenching all at once. *HUGS*

    You honor her with your words.

    I hope the walk is a huge success.

  • Reply
    March 30, 2014 at 9:16 pm

    It’s always so hard, but so necessary to write things like this. So many good lines here. Powerful lines. Lines that can make a difference in so many ways. Though writing it all down never quite makes the heartache go away.
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  • Reply
    March 31, 2014 at 2:04 am

    I wonder how life can go on Kim…
    Such deep sadness, unforgettable pain, raw heartache. Sending you love every single morning of this life, as I imagine only the night can bring some sort of peace.
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  • Reply
    Corinne Rodrigues
    March 31, 2014 at 6:01 am

    The pain never goes away, does it? Knowing that you are filtering it to make a difference, is inspiring.
    Love you.
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  • Reply
    March 31, 2014 at 6:23 am

    “I imagine you still breathing, smiling, and annoying me with your little idiosyncrasies.”

    It’s amazing how, after a loved one dies, we long for those annoyances.

    Another heartbreaking poem, Kim, filled with such love. Kay is reading, listening, loving you back. xxxx
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  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Book
    March 31, 2014 at 6:48 am

    I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a sibling the way you did, although my heart aches for you, in sympathy for you, hoping I can take the pain away from you, even if just for a short while.
    Sending you lots of love and hugs from a sunny Sundays River.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxoxo
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  • Reply
    March 31, 2014 at 7:49 am

    It’s astonishing how one can breathe in partial segments…..

    It is.

    Keep writing your pain so that others can learn and heal
    You are an amazing soul and I am beyond honoured to share this journey and learn from you.

    Know that I love you and if there is any way that I can help…even though I’m in the land of the Canucks, you know that you have my support. xoox
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  • Reply
    Rita @ The Crafty Expat
    March 31, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    Love, thoughts and prayers goes to you and your family from my side of the world.
    Best of success for the walk.
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  • Reply
    March 31, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    My heart, always hurting for you, my friend. xo
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  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    March 31, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    Sometimes there’s holes you’ll never fill.
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  • Reply
    April 1, 2014 at 12:05 am

    A moving post.

  • Reply
    Alison at Diamond-Cut Life
    April 1, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    I’m reflecting that death by murder is so much more intense and complicated for the survivors than death by natural causes (such as my mother had).

    Forgive me if you’ve covered these question in posts you wrote before I started following you:

    What happened to Kim’s murderer? Life in prison? Did you wish for the death penalty? What were your thoughts and feelings on the death penalty before Kim’s murder, and then after it?

    My final thoughts today:
    Your writings are an ongoing exploration of passion . . . . passion that is other than sexual. Our culture projects most of its passion onto sexuality — when most of the deep relationships in our lives (like yours with Kim) are actually not sexual. Yet another reason I value your blog.
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  • Reply
    April 1, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Such a sad, sad story – alas, it is not a story, not fiction. But your words, they are pure poetry, despite the truth’s ugliness.
    I hope you can raise a lot of awareness and money to help during your walk!

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    April 1, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    That awful person changed your whole family’s life forever. He didn’t have the dignity to account for his crime. I’m so sorry that your heart has to ache like this. xxx
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  • Reply
    Charlene Ross
    April 1, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    I wish you could go back too, Kim. You know I wish you could.

    Nothing more to say except that I love you.
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  • Reply
    April 2, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    I love how you channeled your pain into fundraising to prevent others from experiencing the same. I received my notification of this year’s walk in the mail and will drop a donation your way soon. Bless you, my friend.
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  • Reply
    Aussa Lorens
    April 2, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    I’m so sorry 🙁 This walk sounds like a great idea and a wonderful campaign to spread awareness.

    What you said about ordinary lives being extraordinary is so so true.
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  • Reply
    April 4, 2014 at 4:40 am

    sending you a giant hug
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  • Reply
    April 5, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Kay was special…look what she has inspired. You are doing good things in her name. I wish you didn’t have to, but given what was handed to you, you have turned it into something extraordinary, just like she was.

  • Reply
    April 6, 2014 at 9:55 am

    I just happened to come across your site. When I slowly began reading I could feel your heartache and I was there with you. The ‘if only’ stings a lot!! The pain will always be there but I admire you for what you are doing! I am with you in this fight!! Love!
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  • Reply
    ed p
    April 6, 2014 at 10:56 am

    i realize how i have come to think of both you and kay as co-authors as i ‘travel’ over here to visit your pretty pink place in blogland. congratulations on such a successful walk event. i know it takes a ton of work and passion.
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  • Reply
    Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever
    April 7, 2014 at 8:00 am

    I wish I could be there love! But I will send you a check next week! I will be there is spirit, but one of these days I will be there in person! Love that you are giving back to other women in this way! You are saving lives! xo
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  • Reply
    April 8, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Anyone who kills someone & then kills himself is nothing but a coward. He was to much of a coward
    to live and answer to his (3) boys after killing their mother who they loved so much.
    Yes, we miss her so much, we know we will see her again, but it is still hard not to have
    her here with us. Kim, thank you so much for keeping Kay’s spirit alive, and also all you do for
    Love You

  • Reply
    April 8, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    Hi Kim, I don’t know you but through your words I feel your pain. I am very sorry about your sister. I hope I’m not being insensitive by drugging things up again but I just had to ask, what happened to the prick who did this to your sister? Is he behind bars?
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  • Reply
    April 8, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    That’s meant to say drudging not drugging.
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  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    April 8, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    I hope you’re doing ok!

  • Reply
    April 9, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    This is my first time here, and..whoa.
    My sister got engaged yesterday. To a wonderful man. She had been with so many losers over the years – some that mentally abused her. One who pushed her.
    So I’m breathing such sighs of relief for this man – who is well over six feet tall and a yogi/crossfitter with a heart of gold and he’d never hurt a fly.
    It could have gone very differently.
    And I’d never be able to breathe the same way without her.
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  • Reply
    April 9, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    You are one of the best sisters EVER! I am delighted to the walk continues. I am always without the right words when you write from the inside of your hurt and loss. I am inadequate. Empty. One day I will know what to say, until then, hugs are all I have to offer.
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  • Reply
    Shailaja V
    April 10, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Deeply sorry for your loss. Words cannot do justice to the pain that you must be feeling. Many hugs and prayers for you and your sister.

    Much love,

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  • Reply
    April 11, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    There are no words that good enough for this. I’m so sorry.

    The fact that you’re using this tragedy to try and help someone else is amazing.
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  • Reply
    April 13, 2014 at 5:14 am

    I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. It truly saddens me to think of persons in so much pain and that my (funny little blog, about food and toast and picnics etc,) has such irrelevance in the face of bigger and bold issues like these. Thank you for always taking the time to stop by and I hope the pain shared with like-minded & strong people helps to slowly lesson the pain and sadness, x
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  • Reply
    April 16, 2014 at 11:56 am

    Sad tale – I am truly sorry for your loss.

    Added you on Twitter – maybe see you there sometime!
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