In Memory of Kay

A Beautiful Resurrection


It’s been 3 years, 8 months, and 27 days since your murder.

 

I shall always count the days you’re not with me, always calculate your birthdays, always long for your famous baked beans overflowing with bacon on Forth of July.

 

In the beginning, I was out of control, inconsolable, wandering around the house shouting– “son-of-a-bitch, bastard, why did this happen to our family?”

 

Why couldn’t we save you?

 

In the beginning, I drank an over abundance of red wine.

 

Cupcake, Turning Leaf, Cabernet, Pinot, any kind of red wine. I’d look at the clock and ask, “Is it 5:00 yet? Will you open a bottle of wine? Where the hell is the wine?”

 

I stayed in bed praying for death to come.

 

How hard could it be, right?

 

I mean, you were healthy, planning a future, and without warning, three gunshots caused you to diminish like a snuffed out candle.

 

Just like that. Just like that.

 

I contemplated placing my head inside oven like Sylvia Plath did, or stepping in front of a moving semi, or sitting inside a closed garage while the fumes of the Kia stopped the pain, the fucking pain.

 

Dying is simple.     Living is hard.

 

I thought of all of these things.

 

I’m sorry, Kay, but I did. It’s true.

 

And for some reason, some inexplicable reason, I was astonished when I’d awaken the next morning with my heart still beating, my breath still circulating, my mind still intact, & Dave still snuggled next to me like a big teddy bear when I was unpleasantly unsnuggable.

 

You see, in my wildest nightmares, in my unconscious psyche, I couldn’t comprehend a life without you, a universe without you.

 

Did you ever imagine one without me?

 

We talked about living together at 85.

 

“Can you imagine us as wrinkly old women?” You’d laugh.

 

“Yes.” I laughed back. “But not ordinary old women!”

 

We talked about drinking martinis on our Andy Griffith porch, wearing red high heels, and waving to the young boys strolling by.

 

We talked about rescuing cats from the humane society.  Lots of them.

 

“I definitely want a Siamese like from our childhood,” I announced.

 

We talked without talking.

 

In the beginning, I sat at the cemetery rubbing my fingers over your marble stone.

 

I prayed to a silent God.

 

“Do you hear me? Where the hell are you?”

 

I wept about all of the lost moments, our early days, your children growing up without you, marinated chicken on your grill, holidays with an empty chair, the what ifs, the stories that would never be.

 

That was 3 years, 8 months, and 27 days ago.

 

… before I understood about your emancipation, your liberation, your final release from this world into a new one, a better one.

 

…before I realized God was not silent;  I just wasn’t listening.

 

…before I knew you were no longer a victim.

 

Never.    Again.

 

In the beginning, there was you & me.

 

And when I take my last mouthful of air,

 

I shall grasp your hand once again, my dear sister.

 

This will be a beautiful resurrection.

 

—–Dear,  Reader,  do you believe you will see your loved ones again?   Do you believe in resurrection & God?

Watch Kay’s Last Video:  http://myinnerchick.com/2013/11/01/keep-holding-on-footage-of-kays-last-days/

 

 


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59 Comments

  • Reply
    Tia
    February 24, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    Love you!

  • Reply
    Rita @ The Crafty Expat
    February 24, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    Yes and yes. Kim, your sister will always be not only in your heart but also in the heart of all the readers of this blog.
    Rita @ The Crafty Expat recently posted..Australian Women Writers Challenge 2014My Profile

  • Reply
    Liz
    February 24, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    xoxo

  • Reply
    Kathy
    February 24, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    Oh, God, the ending of this piece is stunning, Kim–so, so powerful and moving. I LOVE it. I’m sure I’d feel the same way were I to lose my sister. Love to you, dear Kim.

    And hugs, from Ecuador,
    Kathy
    Kathy recently posted..A Beginner’s Guide to Expat Values: Revisiting our Move to EcuadorMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debi
    February 24, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    This is so beautiful. So honest. So full of broken dreams and renewed faith. Yes, I believe in God. Not so sure about resurrection though. xo
    Debi recently posted..The Sweetest of All Things is LoveMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lisa thomson
    February 24, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    Yes!! Totally. Absolutely. She will be there. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve endured Kim although your writing is so powerful you bring me there. That’s when the lump in my throat and prickle behind my eyes comes.
    Lisa thomson recently posted..The Importance of Updating Your WillMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jann
    February 24, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    How fearlessly and beautifully you write, Kim. I really really hope to see my parents again in an afterlife. I miss them!
    Jann recently posted..Comment on Natura Morta by FrancescaMy Profile

  • Reply
    Joe Peterson
    February 24, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    With a tear in my eye, all my heart says is, “I LOVE YOU!”

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    February 24, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Crying …

    Resurrections occur all around us. You are risen xxx
    solidgoldcreativity recently posted..PresenceMy Profile

  • Reply
    CheChe
    February 24, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    You betcha I do!!! It pleases me to read these words coming from your heart. Your words increase my faith! I just have to stare at this picture of Kay . . . She’ so beautiful!!!

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    February 24, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    Oh yes! YES I do and I can’t wait to meet Kay. And see my mom & dad whom I still miss so very, very much. This was ONE awesome Phoenix Rising post, my friend. I knew you’d make it. Thank you for allowing me to share your journey.
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..Scene from Life With Alpha Hubby 3My Profile

  • Reply
    Mike
    February 24, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Oh yes, Kim I absolutely believe we see our loved ones in the afterlife. I love your Andy Griffith porch analogy. One of my favorite escape to a simpler time shows ever. Trust me I understand that unbreakable bond to another that we feel we could not go on without. And you know all too well who I’m talking about (sitting at my feet). I get you Kim…so beautiful written and we love you so much always! Xoxo’s 🙂
    Mike recently posted..There And Back Again: Ed and SamanthaMy Profile

  • Reply
    Beverly Diehl
    February 24, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    I believe there is some kind of afterlife, though I believe the Divine is much bigger, broader, and wilder, than most people describe as God/Goddess. I do believe you will see Kay again, and hold her hand.

    I recommend, for those who haven’t read it, Eben Alexander’s Proof of Heaven, though I found the audiobook much more moving than the paperback.

    I believe, after this life, either we won’t have to see people who’ve hurt us in this life, or, perhaps, we WILL see them and really understand how/why they did what they did, the part they had in forming our life lessons. I believe we are all here to learn and grow and love.

    Love you, so glad our paths have crossed.

    And, in passing, have you updated your plug-ins lately? Because while I am not blogging regularly, I have several posts much more recent than your Comment Luv is picking up, and a little birdie told me those with WordPress blogs, must do the updating thingie for things to work properly.
    Beverly Diehl recently posted..9 Ways to Find Your Next Favorite Book #amreadingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    February 24, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    My Kimmy. I think of you so often. Yes I truly believe we’ll all be together some day. I talk to my mom, Grams and Kay every night under the heavenly stars. That’s one of my favorite places to be. The end of your blog are the most beautiful words I’ve heard. I love you. K

  • Reply
    Ilene
    February 24, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    Living *is* hard and living on when we lose someone we love so much, is agonizing. I do believe we are reunited with our loved ones again – and that they will be patient. I believe that our being able to live fully and abundantly – well, that’s the legacy they’d want for us.
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  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    February 24, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    Hugs. Now and always.

  • Reply
    Monica
    February 24, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    Beautiful post, Kim. Makes me incredibly sad feeling your pain in your words. I don’t know what to believe. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and you are here to tell Kay’s story and raise awareness for domestic violence prevention. Women are the number one victims of violence. Your voice, and Kay’s through you, are powerful and take my breath away. Sending you hugs!
    Monica recently posted..My Cousin AdeleMy Profile

  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    February 24, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    Your words are so dang powerful! Your journey. I’m humbled every time I arrive here. Praise God for His ressurection, for His grace and gentleness and guidance. I think I will see my loved ones again. I think maybe. For me, it’s still a bit raw and hard to wish to see my mom again. I just miss her so much that it’s hard to let myself long for her. Until I’m flossing my teeth or reading a recipe and she just shows up in my thoughts uninvited. But then I’m so glad she didn’t wait for my invitation. I get to feel her with me, to remember again.
    I hope so. I hope I get to hold her hand again.
    Xoxoxoxo
    Wild Child Mama recently posted..I Ain’t Got Vegas Stripper Guts.My Profile

  • Reply
    Chris Carter
    February 24, 2014 at 11:07 pm

    She is now safe in Heaven where the Angels sing and His Glory shines SO bright, she has to squint her eyes to look down on earth to find you… but she does. Every minute of every day that you count.

    And she awaits eternity with you.

    You know my answers to your questions!

    “This is how it feels, to be loved…to be held…when the sacred is torn from your live, and you survive.”

    (Do you know that song? It keeps ringing in my ears for you… “Held”- gotta dig up the name of the artist)
    Chris Carter recently posted..Devotional Diary: What Is God’s Dream For You?My Profile

  • Reply
    Alison
    February 24, 2014 at 11:09 pm

    “Living is hard.”

    Yes, yes it is.

    And here you are, doing it so beautifully, keeping Kay’s memories alive.

    xo
    Alison recently posted..The Land of the LivingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Book
    February 25, 2014 at 3:43 am

    “Dying is simple. Living is hard.” – I cannot imagine what this must be like!

    “In the beginning, there was you & me.
    And when I take my last mouthful of air,
    I shall grasp your hand once again, my dear sister.
    This will be a beautiful resurrection.” This I know will be euphoric!

    Sending love and happiness to you Kim.
    🙂 Mandy xo
    Mandy – The Complete Book recently posted..Lack of Food PostsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    February 25, 2014 at 3:46 am

    Kay will always live in your heart, Kim. Living is hard and love keeps going…power to you, Kim.
    Have a peaceful day!
    Angie
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  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    February 25, 2014 at 5:23 am

    Living is the hardest thing any of us can do.

    I love you.

    XXX
    Valentine Logar recently posted..UntetheredMy Profile

  • Reply
    countingducks
    February 25, 2014 at 5:41 am

    That is beautiful
    countingducks recently posted..One For The RoadMy Profile

  • Reply
    reneejohnsonwrites
    February 25, 2014 at 7:02 am

    ‘Dying is easy, living is hard.’ – wow! That says it all. My mother was 90, almost 91, when she died. Her sister – the closest two I had ever seen until reading about you and your sister – was 89. With giant tears cascading down her face she said, “I wish it had been me. I don’t want to live without her.” I do believe in an afterlife and I believe in angels. I think we both have one waiting for us at the end of our journey.
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  • Reply
    ladyfi
    February 25, 2014 at 7:29 am

    How beautifully written!
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  • Reply
    Alison at Diamond-Cut Life
    February 25, 2014 at 7:41 am

    Kim, yes. I believe deeply that our spirits live on after the deaths of our bodies, and that we are reunited with our loved ones on the other side of the veil. I’ve had these spiritual beliefs since I was a child.

    I love that your spirituality has been deepened via Kay’s murder. Not everyone turns in that direction. A common human response to murder is the desire for revenge. I’d imagine that you had fantasies of killing Kay’s murderer, for example. Normal feelings. Some people, sadly, go ahead and actually kill in retaliation.e.

    Some societies, though, have rituals to deal with wrongful death. I recently read a book, ”The World Until Yesterday”. The author describes a ritual in Papua New Guinea that involves speeches of grief, apology and forgiveness. The grieving family was given something called “sorry-money”, intended to help share in the loss of what had happened. Everyone involved is sad. Many people cry. They express themselves. Some healing happens.

    I find things like this so life-giving — and full of resurrection, to use your words — that I’m giving away a free copy of “The World Until Yesterday”. If anyone is interested, come over and see my page on books.

    Blessings, Kim. I love your presence in the world.
    Alison at Diamond-Cut Life recently posted..Take 40 Seconds To Help Slow Climate ChangeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Barbara
    February 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

    I do believe in something much bigger than this life. I believe there is a loving God. I also believe we will keep coming back around until we understand what we need to understand about all of this. The term, ‘Old Soul’ is definitely someone who’s been around the sun a few more times than others.

    Have you ever read Gary Zukov’s book, Seat of the Soul? Great read!

    xoxoxob
    Barbara recently posted..A Tale of Two Eight Year Old BoysMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie
    February 25, 2014 at 9:34 am

    So beautiful, Kim, yet so painful to read. Three years is a LONG time to be without someone you so truly loved, someone who shared secrets with you, dreamed with you, and was a part of you. You’ll never NOT miss Kay, but as time goes on, your missing her will change (at least it has for me, regarding my late dad, who’s been gone five years now).

    YES YES YES, I definitely believe in an afterlife! How can one suffer the pains and heartaches of this life unless one hopes for something better in the next? Jesus told us He was going to prepare a mansion for us, and I’m holding Him to it!

    I can’t believe we live, then we die and that’s it. No, God told us He made us for eternity with Him, so there has to be something more. I firmly believe we’ll be reunited with our loved ones (pets, too!) one day, and we’ll never wipe another tear away, never long for something or someone we don’t have, never suffer another ache or pain. How glorious that will be!!
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  • Reply
    lisa
    February 25, 2014 at 10:06 am

    I most definitely do believe. It is the only thing that makes the loss bearable.
    This is so beautifully written, Kim, and I just know that sweet Kay is smiling down on you. xo.

  • Reply
    Ms. CrankyPants
    February 25, 2014 at 10:50 am

    Your writing takes my breath away. XOXO
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  • Reply
    Tina @ Girl with a New Life
    February 25, 2014 at 11:08 am

    I sometimes feel the passing, infinitesimal presence of my lost loved ones, like a brush of air against my cheek.
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  • Reply
    Beth Teliho
    February 25, 2014 at 11:26 am

    The end brought tears to my eyes. Heart Squeeze. And yes, I do believe in an afterlife where you see your loved ones. 100%. I’m sure of it.

    this was breathtakingly beautiful. xoxo
    Beth Teliho recently posted..Lexicon of LustMy Profile

  • Reply
    Pat
    February 25, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    Wow, that brought tears to my eyes but it also gave me peace. Yes, I very much believe in God and resurrection and I’m so glad that someday you will have a whole eternity with Kay. If I thought this world was “it”, I would be in despair. But I think it’s just a stepping stone into the next where there will be no more death. Beautifully written, Kim.

  • Reply
    Marie
    February 25, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    Love to you from accross the sea.
    Kay is waiting for you. God has great plans for us all Kim. Keep believing.

  • Reply
    Gary Philip Pennick
    February 25, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    Dear Kim,

    And this powerful verbalisation embraces that one day, you shall smile and hug in resurrection.

    In peace and hope,

    Gary x
    Gary Philip Pennick recently posted..Seven Sees.My Profile

  • Reply
    Sandra
    February 25, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    “A beautiful resurrection! ” How cool is that.

  • Reply
    Sammie
    February 26, 2014 at 10:02 am

    Ahhh.. So heartbreaking 🙁
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  • Reply
    No Blog Intended
    February 26, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Very touching… Sorry for your loss. I don’t believe in God, but it’s good to see people can find comfort in that. Many hugs!
    No Blog Intended recently posted..Oh the PanicMy Profile

  • Reply
    Dad
    February 26, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    Living is hard & dying is easy, I couldn’t agree more. I just don’t think there is a Jesus, I know there is.
    He was resurrected on the 3rd day, & so will we be resurrected. If I didn’t believe that I wouldn’t see my
    loved ones, this life would be much harder to live. Kay is waiting for us with open arms. That’s worth
    waiting for.
    LOVE YOU SO MUCH
    DAD

  • Reply
    Liz
    February 26, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    Yes, I do believe. Even more so since Bill’s dad passed away. His dad lost his beloved college pharmacy ring a few years ago. He even rented a metal detector to hunt for it in his back yard, but to no avail. Bill was not ready for his father to go…and struggled for month’s after his death. We went to visit his mom a few months later, and Bill spotted something shiny on the walk in the yard. His dad’s ring…certainly a message from his dad saying he was OK… We’ll all be together in a better place one day. xoxo
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  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    February 27, 2014 at 12:03 am

    Living after someone beloved has passed is so difficult. I do believe in reincarnation and past lives. I know Kay is waiting to see you xxx
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  • Reply
    Hilary
    February 27, 2014 at 5:20 am

    Kim – I love you.. you are beautiful and your word are beautiful…. I know that Kay is with you every day…
    Hilary recently posted..Call Me Maybe?My Profile

  • Reply
    Ellen M. Gregg
    February 27, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    So lovely, beautiful Kim.

    I do believe we’ll see our loved ones (at least, those who haven’t been reincarnated) after we pass from this human existence. We’ll see them in their truest form: as pure love; unscathed; unhindered; healthy; whole.

    It will be the most beautiful resurrection. xoxo

  • Reply
    URL
    February 28, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    … [Trackback]…

    […] Informations on that Topic: myinnerchick.com/2014/02/24/a-beautiful-resurrection/ […]…

  • Reply
    Jack
    February 28, 2014 at 11:45 pm

    I don’t know what comes next, but I believe there is a next.
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  • Reply
    Balroop Singh
    March 1, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    This is a beautiful post! I can feel the agony, the anger and the anguish that must be still fresh in your mind and i know it can never be erased. Many times I wonder how can people be so insensitive, so cruel, so beastly.

    I truly believe we shall meet our loved ones one day, lets nurture their memories till then. Lets learn to forgive those who bring such bad memories but I do wonder whether they will get the punishment they deserve. Yes, they must. ‘God sees the truth but waits’!
    Balroop Singh recently posted..Do You Believe in Giving?My Profile

  • Reply
    Phil
    March 2, 2014 at 9:44 am

    Hi Kim,

    Your posts about your sister are so emotional and heartfelt. I will never know what you are going through and what you feel inside. All we can do is hope, pray, and try to move on but never forget the wonderful memories. I am sure you will see her again one day. Just be strong in the meantime until then.
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  • Reply
    ed p
    March 2, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    when you say ‘why couldn’t we save you?’ that thought haunted me throughout your piece, and it’s an epic masterpiece of remembrance, love and honor that you are putting together here at your place, this the latest installment. the theme of emancipation in this particular post is so moving. god bless you. love and respect to kay.
    ed p recently posted..Living the Alternative LifeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jeri
    March 2, 2014 at 11:01 pm

    Kim, this is my first visit to your blog and quite an emotional one at that. Thanks for sharing and for putting all that down so eloquently.
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  • Reply
    Freya
    March 4, 2014 at 9:24 am

    What a beautiful post, it actually made me cry.
    I’m really sorry for your loss.
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  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    March 4, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    This just kills me every time.

    hillcountryprincess.com
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  • Reply
    Aussa Lorens
    March 4, 2014 at 10:37 pm

    Beautiful, and powerful.
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  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    March 5, 2014 at 11:16 am

    Dear Kim,

    such a powerfully written post – every time you write about your sister and we get to share your thoughts and feelings, my hearts aches…and, yes, I do believe that we will meet our loved ones again…

    “But paradise is locked and bolted….
    We must make a journey around the world to see if a back door has perhaps been left open.”

    ― Heinrich von Kleist, On A Theatre Of Marionettes (one of my very favorite writers)

    Hugs,
    Andrea
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  • Reply
    Considerer
    March 8, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    Wow. Kim. Your faith in the face of this tragedy and your deep, deep loss, is…astounding. Inspiring. Amazing.

    And that you say that you just weren’t listening…such conviction.

    I’m so sorry that you and your family had this awful thing happen to you. But I’m totally with you in thinking and hoping that finally, we get to meet our lost ones again, and hold them close.
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  • Reply
    Tina @ Girl with a New Life
    March 12, 2014 at 9:21 am

    A piece of her story has planted itself here with me.
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  • Reply
    Angel
    March 16, 2014 at 4:57 am

    I can’t say I believe in god but I think it can’t be the complete end after we pass.
    I’m sorry about your sister.
    Angel recently posted..Helaina’s nursery tourMy Profile

  • Reply
    How do you get through a hard time? | Heal Now and Forever
    March 17, 2014 at 3:44 am

    […] Kim Robinson of My Inner Chick answered: When my sister, Kay, was murdered, it was the darkest day of my life. I don’t remember much about the past three years through the fog of mourning. I mean, I was out of control,  not taking care of myself, questioning God, and trying to find ways to survive. One. More. Day. […]

  • Reply
    Charlene Ross
    April 21, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    I do believe I will see my loved ones again Kim. Just as I believe you will see Kay. (But selfishly I hope you don’t see her for a very, very long time.)
    Charlene Ross recently posted..Home MoviesMy Profile

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