In Memory of Kay

1315 Days

—-There was a roaring in my ears and I lost track of what they were saying. I believe it was the physical manifestation of unbearable grief–Barbara Kingsolver



It’s been 1315 days since you left me.

It’s been a micro second.    It’s been a thousand years.  It’s been Hell on earth.

…It’s been sharp claws scratching against bare skin.

It’s astonishing how the body keeps functioning— how the heart keeps beating— how the earth keeps revolving….revolving…. revolving…

…as if you’ve never departed, as if you’ve never been murdered.

How can it do that?   How the fuck hell can it do that?

Remember how much you loved this time of year—how you anticipated shopping and glitter and 5 inch high heeled boots to match your long coats?

How your Christmas tree overflowed with Victorian ornaments, white lights, fluffy felines, & homemade gingerbread men.

How cinnamon, nutmeg, and apples simmered upon your stove.

“Come over, Kimmy,” you’d plead. “You must, you reeeeeally muuuuust, come smell my house!”

I do. I do, my sweet. Inside my dreams. Inside my mindless mind.  Inside my poetry.

Sometimes, even when surrounded by people, I’m entirely alone.  Still.

That same kind of alone I used to feel as a kid when mom and dad went out for the night, or when I left for summer camp for a week.

How can I be homesick when I’m already home?

Hungry.    Thirsty.    Aching.

Sometimes voids cannot possibly be filled.

Sometimes emptiness needs to remain empty.

Sometimes we must simply live and love and cherish what is left behind.


NOTE—–Do Not Wait One More Day. My Sister, Kay,  Did.  Get Help Now. You Can Save Your Own Life.   NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE:  1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224



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  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Thinking of you.

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 8:54 am

    I know you find solace in the good YOU have done to help others in jeopardy. We know she is smiling down on you and encouraging all you do. It MATTERS!
    Thank you.
    Barbara recently posted..Seat of the Pants Cooking…that’s my style!My Profile

    • Reply
      Helen Herrick
      December 7, 2013 at 9:12 am

      Beautifully, heart wrenchingly written. You manage to express in words those emotions that most often can’t be conveyed.

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Liz recently posted..Thank Goddess It’s FridayMy Profile

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 9:35 am

    I Love You!!!

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Book
    December 7, 2013 at 9:36 am

    The more I read your posts about Kay, the more I feel your loss! The more I can identify with your grief.
    Sending you love and hugs from a sunny South Africa.
    Your friend, Mandy xoxoxox
    Mandy – The Complete Book recently posted..Family Tree’ing AGAIN!My Profile

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 9:51 am

    We lost Nelson Mandela this week, but you remind me always that we still have people who have experienced horrific tragedy and grief, and used it to do great and beautiful things and touched lives otherwise ignored, with your powerful generosity of spirit. God bless you always.
    countingducks recently posted..Nelson MandelaMy Profile

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Sometimes we must simply live and love and cherish what is left behind….I love this line. xo
    Liz recently posted..Almond-Orange Tuiles #FrenchFridayswithDorieMy Profile

  • Reply
    lisa thomson
    December 7, 2013 at 10:02 am

    What a beautiful expression of your grief. This time of year must be incredibly difficult. Your beautiful memories can’t necessarily fill the emptiness. “Sometimes emptiness needs to remain empty.” Powerful.
    lisa thomson recently posted..Help! He’s Taking Me To Appeals CourtMy Profile

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Oh our dear, beloved Kim…the beautiful expressions, thoughts and memories of your deep, loving devotion always bring a welling up of the eyes. You are loved always too!!! Xxxx’s!! 🙂
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  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    December 7, 2013 at 10:21 am

    You are a light in this world. You’ve made Kay a brighter light, one that will never be forgotten and will only become more radiant, a reflection of your love and your memories. We want it to be the other way – that she not be gone from the physical world – but you bring her to life with every word you right.
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..Way Too Much About Me. It’s Pamela’s Fault.My Profile

  • Reply
    Ellen M. Gregg
    December 7, 2013 at 10:21 am

    “Sometimes voids cannot possibly be filled.

    Sometimes emptiness needs to remain empty.

    Sometimes we must simply live and love and cherish what is left behind.”

    Sometimes, in that emptiness, we feel, and/or hear, and/or see what we need.

    This time of the year can be incredibly difficult – even more so than the rest of the year. Much love to you, dearie. xoxo
    Ellen M. Gregg recently posted..Make the Most of Every Merry MomentMy Profile

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 10:29 am

    Her homemade gingerbread men make me cry. They say so much about Kay’s sweet nature. xxxxxkisses to you Kim.
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  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Dear Kim,

    The light of your beloved sister shall always live on. It shines through to you and all those who knew her. Bless you, dear lady.

    Gary x
    Gary recently posted..A Rainbow Planet.My Profile

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    December 7, 2013 at 11:17 am

    So many memories that fill our senses. Mom and Kay are with us in everything we do. I know they are together watching over and guiding us in our life’s journey until we meet again. Love you Kimmy

  • Reply
    Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever
    December 7, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Simmer some apples and cinnamon and nutmeg. And breathe. She’d want you to.

    Love xoxoxox
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  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    December 7, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Hugs and love. Always.
    Barbara Kingsolver is a stunning author and a wise woman. She would love you, as I do.

  • Reply
    Beverly Diehl
    December 7, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Beautifully written, so much so that *I* can almost smell Kay’s house. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
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  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    It’s amazing how gorgeous and agonizing this writing it–like Kay–a beautiful woman–excruciating to lose. I try to imagine how I would cope if I lost my sister Lynn. God, I don’t know how I’d do it. This must be a painful time of your for you, dear Kim. I’m so sorry.

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy recently posted..Holiday Ecology: Gift Wrap with Ecuador’s “Trash” (I swear!)My Profile

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    December 7, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I’m sure that at this time of the year the loss can only be more palpable. No matter how many days have gone past, it just doesn’t get any easier xx
    Hotly Spiced recently posted..Bells at Killcare Garden TourMy Profile

  • Reply
    Patricia Scattergood
    December 7, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    This time of year deepens the yearning for your sister. I ache for you.

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Thinking of you Kim…..such beautiful, heartfelt writing…..we all miss our loved ones that aren’t here with us anymore, more so than ever I think this time of year. Sometimes I just want to cling to everyone that is here with me…really tight!
    debbie recently posted..Banana Cake (my new favorite)My Profile

  • Reply
    Annette Molitor
    December 7, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Thank you Goddess of Great Blog! Kay is SOOO PROUD of you! Do you know how much you’ve helped me?

    Thank you for helping me break free. Thank you for helping me realize I was sleeping with a demon.

    It’s hard to face that some days, but better to know it than exist in it. God does not want any woman out there to exist in that kind of emotional hell. I don’t know if you’ve ever read me poem, but I’d like to dedicate it to all the survivors of domestic abuse, and all the people who help women break free.

    God Bless You Kim!!



    By: Annette Molitor

    Come Little Chickie fly into our hands. We know where you’ve been; we know where you stand. The person who holds you isn’t a lady or a man.

    Come Little Chickee fly into our hands. The vulture who has captured you hates to see you be a man. She loves to see your wallet full. She uses it for manicures and meeting her friends for lunch. She disrespects your position; her harsh words feel worse than a punch.

    Come Little Chickie let is help you to see, the vulture who wants to keep you feeling the size of a pea. The vulture who keeps you feeling very small, writes untruths and hurtful statements on your emotional wall.

    Come Little Chickie let us open your eyes. The vulture’s true colors would take others by surprise. She is the well dressed lady that heads the PTA, the man preaching behind the pulpit that leads others blindly astray. But at home, Jesus cringes at the abuse they hurl your way.

    Come Little Chickie fly into our hands, where people are here who will understand. We were there little Chickie on the other side. Hiding our bruises and telling lies.

    Come Little Chickie let us help you to see, that the vultures rarely change and are innately mean. She is the vulture who has stamped you with an emotional hex, the man who punishes you for talking to the opposite sex.

    Come Little Chickie fly over the fence. It’s safe over here in our loving tent. Let us help you find your way; find your lost spirit that was shattered, in emotional disarray.

    Come Little Chickie and swim in our pool. The water is warm and we’ll feed you good food.

    Come Little Chickie let us repair your broken wings. We want to see you fly and hear you sing.

    Come Little Chickie, let us help you to grow, into the bird that God wants you to know. Perhaps you are an eagle or maybe a dove. It doesn’t matter little Chickie. God wants you to know you are loved.

    Come Little Chickie fly over their graves… listen for the cries of the chickies who never had a chance to be brave.

    Come Little Chickie and join us in song. To sing for the chickies who were too afraid to be strong. The vulture was selfish and stole their voice. They could not sing because they were not given a choice. They never reached their emotional peak… because the vulture interfered with their ability to speak.

    Come Little Chickie sing with us as loud as thunder. They want us to help them crawl out from under. They are the chickies that didn’t make it out alive. Help them sing with us with tears of freedom in their eyes.

    Come Little Chickie today is the time. Don’t let the death clock sound one more chime.
    Annette Molitor recently posted..1315 DaysMy Profile

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    My heart breaks for you, sweet friend. xo

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    (((((((((((Kim)))))))))))) thank you for sharing and continuing to break the silence, for being you. Your words are always gut wrenchingly honest.
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  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    Your heartbreak for your sister makes me sad and wanting to give you a big hug, though I know it’ll never be enough. This time of year must be very hard, but your words keep Kay alive. This line captures it all:

    “Sometimes voids cannot possibly be filled.”

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  • Reply
    Linda Gagne
    December 7, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    My heart is heavy because I know that feeling of missing someone so bad that your heart hurt’s will it ever go away…. Holidays are always worse because your with other family but it’s not the same.

  • Reply
    December 7, 2013 at 11:44 pm

    I am so sorry that you had to endure such an awful experience. I wish peace to you and to your sister on the other side. I hope the perpetrator of this terrible act knows not a moment’s peace.
    I saw the Animal Allies link in your side bar. I am also passionate about finding homes for all animals. <3

  • Reply
    December 8, 2013 at 4:47 am

    “Come smell my house” … oh, that she would say that. I feel for you, dear Kim, at this time of year and always xxx
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  • Reply
    Ms. CrankyPants
    December 8, 2013 at 5:08 am

    Heartbreaking. XOXOX
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  • Reply
    December 8, 2013 at 6:00 am

    The depth of your love and loss is heartbreaking.
    Love you. xo
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  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    December 8, 2013 at 6:23 am


    My heart is breaking for you at this time of year. Our losses feel so great now. I saw the news of snow falling sideways in Duluth and thought of you immediately. Wanted to reach you and hug you.

    Make some Gingerbread men, hell make a Gingerbread House and Gingerbread girls too.

    I love you
    Valentine Logar recently posted..Winter Flash – DeliriousMy Profile

  • Reply
    December 8, 2013 at 7:24 am

    You are an inspiration
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  • Reply
    December 8, 2013 at 9:19 am

    Kim, I’m sending you a virtual hug and praying that you’ll feel at least a tiny bit comforted. I feel your pain, still so raw, especially at this time of year. Grief and loss are real, dear, and you’re wise to acknowledge them and come to terms with the pain. Never stop reminding others to get help while they can. Now you’ve got me needing a Kleenex!!
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  • Reply
    December 8, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Bless you, Beautiful. May your home simmer with the scent of your sweet Sister this holiday season. Xo

  • Reply
    Angie@Angie's Recipes
    December 8, 2013 at 11:45 am

    It makes me so sad to read about your loss, Kim. (((HUG)))
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  • Reply
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell
    December 8, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    She will always be with you in those memories you hold dear, and I know she fills your heart. xo
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  • Reply
    Jennifer Wolfe
    December 8, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    So hard every moment during the year, but in particular I imagine you feel her presence most acutely right now, during the holiday season. Sending you peace.
    Jennifer Wolfe recently posted..Morning Ritual of a Ski Racer MamaMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    December 8, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    We love you Kim. I’m sending you *BIG HUGS* from Sydney, Australia. You asked me on my latest post what I’m watching? I’m obsessed with The Good Wife and rewatching old episodes of Monk at the moment 🙂 xxx
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  • Reply
    December 8, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    I can’t thank you enough for sharing your beautiful sister with us!
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  • Reply
    December 8, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    I feel the same way Kim, It’s always without Kay at this time of the year.
    Love You

  • Reply
    December 9, 2013 at 4:02 am

    “the heart keeps beating, the earth keeps revolving…” How crazy this is when your world is crashing down, when you can’t breath anymore. God takes his power back and make you feel alive, even when around you can see only ashes, dust and darkness.

  • Reply
    Elisabeth Kinsey
    December 9, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    I always sense the other side’s beings. Especially now they are with us. It’s never our job to forget, but to learn how to live without the physical manifestation of that person. How they move, smell, what their voices sound like. Thank you for the post! It’s in remembering that we keep them around us.

  • Reply
    December 10, 2013 at 9:01 am

    I can just imagine how wonderful her house smelled.

    Thinking of you, Kim.
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  • Reply
    December 10, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Oh Kim, the holidays must be really tough. I’m so sorry. I love Barbara’s comment because it’s so true.

  • Reply
    December 10, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Dear Kim, such powerful words – I read them and then read them again and again….your words are in my heart and on my mind while I go on about my day, while I bake gingerbread men with the girls and rehearse Christmas songs and poems for school plays with them….I am thinking about you and your sister, dear friend!

    Hugs and lots of love from far away,
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  • Reply
    Charlene Ross
    December 10, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Love you my sweet Kim. My heart still hurts for you every day. Keep writing. We’ll keep reading.
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  • Reply
    December 10, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Some voids are not meant to be filled.
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  • Reply
    Girl with a New Life
    December 10, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    These last two lines are powerful. I feel like I need to sit with them for awhile.

    “Sometimes emptiness needs to remain empty.

    Sometimes we must simply live and love and cherish what is left behind.”
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  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    December 10, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    I find festival times bring on a big vacuum too…and then remember that my Mom would want me to celebrate like she did.

    Hugs, Kim. The loss of a loved one can never be truly filled.

    Love you.
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  • Reply
    December 11, 2013 at 2:51 am

    So beautiful. And I feel you and feel you. Every time I come here, I feel it all again. I am so deeply sorry. I know, she’s a beacon now, a light, but I still feel for you so much. Your love is beautiful.
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  • Reply
    Carolyn Hughes
    December 11, 2013 at 3:35 am

    Just when you think you can’t possibly miss someone you love any more than you already do, along comes an anniversary, a shared memory, a time of celebration which somehow makes that yearning for their presence even deeper. Remember that the love you have for Kay that is causing the hurt is also the love that can heal.
    Hugs and prayers from across the water. xoxo

  • Reply
    Adriana Boatwright (@AdrianaIris)
    December 11, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    keep changing the world. xoxo
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  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    December 11, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    Would you want to review my book? 🙂
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  • Reply
    December 12, 2013 at 6:31 am

    We’ve all shared the sounds and smells of your sister’s Christmas house through your words. What a gift you have for bringing it to life. And it proves our deepest memories of the holidays are about people, scents, flavors, hugs and kisses – not the presents. Beautiful post, as always.
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  • Reply
    December 12, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    The loss of a loved one is heart wrenching. Hugs and love

  • Reply
    Aussa Lorens
    December 15, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    I am so so sorry for the loss of your sister 🙁
    The message to not wait another day is so important… thank you for sharing this and giving her and other women a voice. It matters so much.
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  • Reply
    Angela Death
    December 15, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    My heart goes out to you. Time may pass, but I don’t really think it gets “easier”. Life moves on, but the pain can linger forever. I can’t say that I “know” what you are going through. I have never had a similar experience. But I can still “feel” for you. God Bless!
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  • Reply
    December 15, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Stopping by because I’ve been thinking about you. Hoping you get through this holiday season as well as you can. It’s hard. You do good work, never forget that. But I know sometimes the reality just hits you up the side of the head. Those times remember there are complete strangers out here that care about you and about your sister. Hugs.

  • Reply
    Rita @ The Crafty Expat
    December 16, 2013 at 4:37 am

    Kim, I just got around reading your post today. I just want to tell you that I’m thinking of you at this very special time of the year. This is a happy season but, it is also the time of the year that we remember our loved ones that we have lost and it can be also the most sad period of the year. Sending you virtual positive thoughts.
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  • Reply
    Amy Tong
    December 17, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    Those are some lovely memories of your sister. I’m sure she’s here with you all the time. Watching you, blessing you, and protecting you…and wanting you to be happy. 🙂 Wish you a wonderful holiday, sweetie!
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  • Reply
    Lady Jennie
    December 18, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Thinking of you, my Kim. 🙁
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  • Reply
    Alison at Diamond-Cut Life
    December 19, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Kim, your capacity to be raw and vulnerable triggers my empathy.

    And my empathy is a place I love to hang out. So naturally, I love to hang out with you. Because you’re transparent and real.

    The challenge for me is with people whose style is the opposite of yours. One of my relatives, let’s call her Laura, canNOT express (with words, that is) her vulnerability, or any emotions except nice ones. She acts her feelings out with unpleasant behaviors, instead. She’s opaque instead of transparent. She’s afraid to be real (and I know a painful childhood taught her it was in no way safe to be real).

    So, my challenge is to have empathy for her, too. Because her pain is huge, like yours, only she doesn’t have the skills to express it well.

    This Christmas I think I’ll try thinking of this poem of yours when Laura behaves in ways I don’t like.

    I’ll tell myself, “She’s in the same kind of pain that Kim is over her sister’s death. I would be kind to Kim, if she were here. So, I can be kind to Laura, because she IS here.”

    Thanks for another great post, my friend.
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  • Reply
    December 19, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    You are beautiful and so is your writing.
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  • Reply
    Winifred Reilly
    December 19, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Beautiful and very sad. Thank you for this.
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  • Reply
    A Mash-up of Trivia & Quotes | Monica's Tangled Web
    December 23, 2013 at 3:51 am

    […] some insightful words from Kim of My Inner Chick. She started her blog to honor her sister, Kay, who was brutally taken from her […]

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