In Memory of Kay

The Poem I Read At Your Funeral


 

~“I am learning how to live again.  Here’s what I do…. I grab God’s hand and hold on with everything I’ve got.–” Kim Sisto Robinson

–It’s been 1223 days since your murder.

 

I think I shall always count the hours you’re not with me,  always be unfinished without you.

 

Like a poem discontinued in midsentence.  Like a sun hidden in daylight.  Like a half moon…

 

Dangling in air.  Half
breathing.  Partially present.

 

I found a tissue the other day trapped inside one of your
books.  It was one of those Vince Flynn
books you loved so much.  I forgot the
name.  But the tissue had your lipstick
blotted on it.  Pink.  Still vivid– as if you had placed your lips
on it yesterday.

 

Here.  Then gone.  Just like that.  Just like that.

 

I cried.  I cried so
hard  I fell to my knees.  Then I screamed.  I screamed &  screamed.

 

Damn it.  Fuck.  Why?
What can I do?  Show me the
way.  Give me direction. I miss you.  I miss you. The Lord is my Shepherd.   Help Help Help.

I can’t recall the first three years after your shooting.  The days are blurred.  The nights overflowing with tears, salt,
yearning, darkness, wine, disjointed dreams, inexplicable grief.

 

Sometimes I believe I actually drowned—then  somehow found my way back to the surface.

 

Perhaps I was meant to be here.

 

Yes.   Perhaps.

 

And I find that remarkable since I spent so many hours
contemplating how effortless it might be to place my head inside an oven.

 

When I look back,  I
see God.  A God I once thought was
silent.  A God I dismissed.

 

I now see Him clearly,
crisply,  completely.

 

He is restoring my soul.

 

He speaks to me thru the dead poets.

For example,  remember
the  e e  cummings poem we loved so much?

 

The first time we
heard it,  I elbowed you hard and
whispered-  “You will read this poem at
my funeral.”

 

You said,  “No!  You will read it at mine.”

 

I read it at yours, dear.
At least,  that’s what I’ve been
told.

 

I know you will not come back to me….but one day I will come
to you.

 

Unbroken.  Whole.  Smiling.

 

The words.  The
metaphors.  The stanzas.

 

….finally finished.

–Kay’s basket,  of course,  is the pink one.  Notice  the row she is in  (  E  E ).  When I realized this,  I looked into the heavens and said … “THANK YOU thank you Thank You!”

xxXx

 

–Dear,  Reader,  where do you seek comfort?  How does God talk to you?

Our Poem. I Carry You With Me. Always.

Get   Help   Today: For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

 

 


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111 Comments

  • Reply
    Debi
    September 18, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    I would love to read that ee poem. Would you be willing to share it? xo
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  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    September 18, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    here is the deepest secret nobody knows
    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
    and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
    higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
    and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

    i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart

    *Sigh, just sigh*. Comfort is Leland. He wraps me in his arms and holds me so near his heart so that I can just be for a little while. He wants to fix things but finally realized that you can’t always fix some things. Between him and God, I am kept together! God talks to me through His Word, through others, through love. He’s very loud when it comes to love!
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  • Reply
    Trish
    September 18, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Thinking of you.

  • Reply
    Karen
    September 18, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    YOU are so good with “words”, you have a special gift………. Love you

  • Reply
    Lisa thomson
    September 18, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    It’s amazing, the mysterious signs that are there waiting for us to see. For me believing in love is my comfort. It has it’s own power. I love that picture of you two. It’s beautiful!
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  • Reply
    lisa
    September 18, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    This is truly such a beautiful post, Kim.
    Thank you for sharing it here. xo.

  • Reply
    Tia
    September 18, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Love You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    September 18, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    I love you Kimmy. Big warm hug to you. Miss and love Kay too!! Many goof memories! Xoxo

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    September 18, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    I meant good memories!

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    September 18, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Oh, you pierce me. And the poem … I am crying xxx

    Sylvia’s way is not your way, my dear. You are meant to be here now.

    God speaks to me through the newly-opened flowers of spring.
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 21, 2013 at 8:56 am

      No.
      Sylvia’s way is not my way…but I understand her.

      My way is to continue living, loving, keeping Kay’s story alive.

      I know this to be true.

      Love to you, sweet Narelle. Xxxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..The Poem I Read At Your FuneralMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kathy
    September 18, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Oh, Kim, this may be one of the most stunning things I have ever read. Good God, it’s painful. I weep with you, my dear, thinking about my own living sister whom I adore and my identical twin sister who died several days after we were born. Thank you for this. And thank you for getting me back on your mailing list. Whatever you did, it worked.

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy
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  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    September 18, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    Every day our arms wrap around you from wherever we are and remind you we love you. You are meant to be here, you are meant to spread stories and your words do this as eloquently as any I know.

    I love you.

  • Reply
    Mike
    September 18, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    Kim, this was an incredibly beautiful post! I love your life long devotion to your lost sister and the incredibly deep bond you have. I love hearing how you remember her in so many different ways. I seek comfort in quiet and solitude with my kid, Phoenix…just the two of us. God speaks to me daily in amazing ways not only through Phoenix but through friends, strangers and seemingly innocuous events happening to me and around me all the time. I’ve found that it can it’s often many little things He presents to us and/or tells us versus some sort huge impact of Light that changes our life in a single moment. Love, Light and Blessings to you from the two of us always, Kim! 🙂
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  • Reply
    Alison at Diamond-Cut Life
    September 18, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    Thank you for asking! God has spoken to me . . .

    when I was mourning and grieving

    making love

    climbing mountains

    sitting with my dying mother

    reading excellent, from the heart writing

    like yours.

    I would more likely call God a she . . .

    but no worries.

    Thanks for being unafraid to talk about God, Kim.
    I wish this type of fearlessness was more prevalent.
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  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    September 18, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    God talks to me through my Mother. She’s always in my heart, and in everything I do. I confess I carry on a continuous conversation with her throughout the day, just as if she were there. The comfort is amazing.

    Hugs, Kim. I love e.e.cummings and my Mom enjoyed reciting the verses.

    Hugs! I feel your loss as if it were mine.
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  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    September 18, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    Hurting for you, hurting with you.
    Hugs and love. Now and always.
    And I love ee cummings’ wprk too.
    Elephant’s Child recently posted..Sunday Selections #137My Profile

  • Reply
    Debra
    September 18, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    Make me cry, will you Kim? You beautiful soul, you!
    There are no accidents, are there?
    This is so overwhelmingly beautiful.
    Oh, the mysteries of God!
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  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    September 19, 2013 at 2:09 am

    How absolutely remarkable that Kay rests in row E E – how incredibly special and beautiful! You find comfort in so many wonderful ways Kim, I admire you being able to do that – I cannot wait to give you a hug one day.
    Have a beautiful weekend dear.
    Warm and loving hugs from SA.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
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  • Reply
    debbie
    September 19, 2013 at 3:22 am

    Hi Kim,
    Such a deep and heartfelt post. You write what all of us feel when we lose a loved one. I find comfort in my husband, sons and dog. I put my arms around them and thank God for them. I find God in the stars every morning when I get up and walk my dog. I look up and know they watch over me the way God does…and I know God exists when I look into the eyes of the people I love. Keep writing Kim. Yours is the most honest blog out there. Love the ee cummings poem too.
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  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    September 19, 2013 at 3:43 am

    I think that when you find something that makes your sister so tangible, that moment must be so full of mixed blessings. You would be on a high one moment for having that unexpected and so real connection then so flat the next when you’re snapped back into reality. How you managed to read a poem at her funeral astounds me – you are a woman of such resilience although I don’t say that lightly – I can imagine you have had to battle tremendously. I’m ashamed to acknowledge that I find God to be most vocal when I’m in a pit of despair – probably that’s because that’s when I cry out to Him most earnestly xx
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 21, 2013 at 9:04 am

      Dear Hot,
      you are so right. I just heard the most FABULOUS life class the other day. Rick Warren said “GOD does not waste our PAIN.”

      I love that. It’ s encouraging & gives me hope. At our weakest, we become our strongest.

      XXXx LOVE to you, Sweets.
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  • Reply
    TheKitchenLioness
    September 19, 2013 at 3:51 am

    “I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.”
    e. e. cummings

    Kim, thinking of you and marvelling at and taking in your amazing writing!

    Big hugs and many kisses from afar!

    Andrea
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  • Reply
    Rita
    September 19, 2013 at 4:11 am

    Reading your post and I have goose bumps from the top of my hair to the tip of my toes… The EE row is an amazing sign… Thinking of you.
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  • Reply
    ladyfi
    September 19, 2013 at 6:02 am

    What a beautiful poem! Such a moving tribute.
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  • Reply
    Ellen M. Gregg
    September 19, 2013 at 6:07 am

    Oh, my… Tears this morning, sweet Kim. Tears for you, tears for Kay, tears for others grieving similarly.

    I find comfort in the stillness of meditation, and the passion of prayer.
    I find comfort in the glow of the rising sun, and the cheerful chirp of the cardinal at the feeder.
    I find comfort in the inexplicable second blooming of the Easter lily by the front door; two big lilies, brash and bold in their September glory.
    I find comfort in music: Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Pie Jesu,” Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years,” Kathy Mattea’s “Give Yourself To Love.”
    I find comfort in the knowledge that I am never truly alone.

    Love. Peace. xoox
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  • Reply
    Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever
    September 19, 2013 at 6:41 am

    You will go back to her and the reuniting will be heavenly! I cried also when I read about the tissue with the pick lipstick so vivid. Put it to your face and let her kiss you and make it all better. She is free and you are finding your way to freedom! xoxoxo Love you!
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  • Reply
    Alison
    September 19, 2013 at 6:42 am

    e e cummings is one of my favorites.

    What a lovely tribute to sweet Kay.
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  • Reply
    Liz
    September 19, 2013 at 7:40 am

    I just watched the poem podcast, tears welling in my eyes. How beautiful – I love that poem. Thank you Kim for your posts – they validate my own grieving. So, I thank you. It helps.

  • Reply
    Debbie
    September 19, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Ah, Kim, how poignant! Your emotions are still so raw, the hurt is still so overwhelming. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your feelings — and for making me aware how blessed I am to still have my sister with me. Continue resting in God, letting Him heal you and trusting that you and Kay will be reunited once again.
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  • Reply
    Ms. CrankyPants
    September 19, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Beautifully written, Kim. XOXO
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  • Reply
    Marie
    September 19, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Your words always talk to my heart Kim. There is something in them that make me feel God is never too far. I can reach for him everywhere.
    But it’s in the silence of a fresh morning or when sitting down on the beach that I find solace and peace.
    LOVE FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
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  • Reply
    Gary
    September 19, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Poignant, powerful and profound. Kim, the love you share for you sister, Kay and the love she will always send you, speaks within the passion, the pain of your provocative words.

    Respect to you and your courage to verbalise.

    In kindness and warm wishes,

    Gary x
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  • Reply
    Kimberly
    September 19, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    That gave me chills.
    Chills.
    I love the both of you dearly. You were meant to be here Kim just as she was, even though it was short…but she lives through you. Every thing you write, we read, we feel, we love. You’re amazing.
    xoox
    PS…can you share that poem?
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  • Reply
    Jann
    September 19, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    How this moved me, Kim. And when you wrote

    I read it at yours, dear.
    At least, that’s what I’ve been
    told.

    I knew what you meant. When I spoke at my mother’s funeral, I had no idea what I was doing or what I said. Going through some horrible motions…

    We love Kay. We love you. xxxxxxxxxx
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  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    September 19, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Kim you heal others with your honest words. You are an angel! xxx
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  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    September 20, 2013 at 4:42 am

    Beautiful, as always.
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  • Reply
    countingducks
    September 20, 2013 at 8:03 am

    The words are beautiful; Your thoughts are beautiful and the love you hold onto is a testament to the human spirit. You always move and inspire me. God Bless You xxx
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  • Reply
    dad
    September 20, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Kim, God restores our soul & he guides us. Our ways are not his ways, or our thoughts also.
    He is always with us, in hard times, and also when things are going good.
    God promises that. We to have to trust and have faith in him.
    We are not always happy the way God does things, but he has his reasons, and his reasons
    are always better for us
    Love You So Much
    Dad

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 22, 2013 at 8:41 am

      Daddy,
      I do not like GOD’S reasons! But I’m trying to let go and let HIM take control.

      Love you more than 10 black panthers in December. Xxxxxxxx
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  • Reply
    Barbara
    September 20, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Kim, the love you share with your whole family, and also with us, is awe inspiring. Coming from a totally fractured family I can’t imagine this kind of familial devotion, but I always prayed for it. You are truly blessed, and amazingly talented.
    xob
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 22, 2013 at 8:42 am

      Barbara,
      Sometimes I wonder how people in crisis survive w/out family or God. I mean, I am broken with them…what would I be w/out them?

      Xxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..The Poem I Read At Your FuneralMy Profile

  • Reply
    Amy Tong
    September 20, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    This is a beautiful poem and i’m deeply touched! I’m sure your best friend was watching and hearing it when you read it.
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  • Reply
    Hilary
    September 21, 2013 at 11:42 am

    sending you big hugs…
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  • Reply
    Galen Pearl
    September 22, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    What a moving, painful, inspiring post. You have put words to what so many feel when faced with a tragic and violent loss.
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  • Reply
    Brenda
    September 22, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    You always manage to pull a thread at my reserve. xox. Love is endless.
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  • Reply
    Ameena
    September 23, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Beautiful pink basket Kim. You are an amazing sister. Truly.
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  • Reply
    reneejohnsonwrites
    September 23, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    I adore it when little ‘signs’ bring us heaven’s breath. I saw the ‘EE’ too and thought of the synchronicity of it. Your words are bringing us all a little closer to God.
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  • Reply
    Lady Jennie
    September 25, 2013 at 10:22 am

    This brought tears to my eyes. God’s signs are aMAZing!
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  • Reply
    Adriana Boatwright (@AdrianaIris)
    September 25, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    I don;t know what to say or think. I am so moved.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 26, 2013 at 4:39 am

      LOVE to you, A. Xx

  • Reply
    Heavenly
    September 25, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    I seek comfort in God, and also I try to take comfort in the little things, because sometimes thats all we have. There are times when the world seems so cold, heartless, and empty, and then sometimes the sun comes out and then things dont look as bleak for a while. I trust that God has a plan for me, and sometimes that plan is hard to see, but nobody can see the big picture in the way that God does. Sometimes you just have to have faith.
    *kisses* H

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 26, 2013 at 4:40 am

      I agree.
      Faith is what keeps you going. X

  • Reply
    ed p
    September 26, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    you break me the reader down here and build us back up. you show me your journey with pink passion and pure writing.
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  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    September 27, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Your writing is always so piercing. Direct. Raw. Honest. So much that I want to drop to my knees and scream with you.
    And then, He restores, He begins the transformation that builds you into the warrior you are put on this earth to be. The warrior born out of complete and utter destruction. The warrior you didn’t chose to be. And would never have, if given the choice. You bleed. You are so strong that it shakes my cage.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 28, 2013 at 7:42 am

      Mama K,
      What exquisite, lovley words. thank you for reading my mourning. XXxxxx LOooooooVE.

      PS. you are FINALLY free of your cage, My Sweet. X

  • Reply
    Liz
    September 28, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    I know God is holding your hand. As he was as he arranged for the perfect spot at the cemetery. xo
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  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    September 29, 2013 at 4:35 am

    Hope you’re having a great weekend!
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  • Reply
    Dawn
    September 29, 2013 at 5:16 am

    I read this Friday at work. Cried my eyes out. Couldn’t see the photo so waited to comment. You write such truth. Locally we had a 5K to remember a woman who was killed by her husband, funds going to a group working against domestic violence. I thought of you, but mostly I thought of your sister. That’s some of the good in all this isn’t it..that she is not forgotten at all…even by some of us that never got to meet her.

  • Reply
    Sandra
    September 29, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    You always go deep Kim and let us into all the crooks and crevices of your soul. Thank you.
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  • Reply
    Monica
    September 29, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    Such a beautiful poem, Kim. Lovely photos, too. The bond between you will always remain. Hugs to you, my friend!
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  • Reply
    Wordifull Melanie
    October 8, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is always hard but I can’t even imagine what you have gone through losing your sister so violently. The e.e. cummings poem is on my favorite…
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  • Reply
    Tina @ Girl with a New Life
    October 16, 2013 at 8:26 am

    I can’t even begin to imagine.

    An old friend of mine passed away this year. I remember saying to him often, when we were close, that life was short and he had better pay attention to all the beautiful things he was ignoring. I sorta hate that I ever said it, especially since I ended up being right.

    Where do I seek comfort? I go to the people that love me, and out in nature. And inside of books.

  • Reply
    Nikky44
    November 3, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    I saved all the email notification with your blog posts, but I wasn’t capable of reading them. I’m still not. My heart is hurting so bad. It’s so hard to explain how i feel. I’m sorry. I love you Kim. Thank you so much.

  • Reply
    Noeleen
    December 11, 2013 at 2:59 am

    Unbroken, whole & smiling is the best bit.

    God Bless.
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