Facebook, Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

karen sosnoski

I totally get it, both the addictive quality of being virtually liked and that this virtual like ability is an addiction, no substitute for real relationships–you’re right Kim! The thing about facebook is it’s so easy to manipulate reality, show only the beautiful, or loving, or adventurous moments which may be, which probably are real, but which of course are only part of the story. We all realize this about each other’s posts and about our own, certainly (hopefully, and it’s not all meaningless–how we are seen is a real part of who we are–but as you point out we need to be there for the less than pretty, exciting, compelling moments which are a big part of being a real parent, partner or friend. And then there’s blogging. I can’t even do it right now while trying to devote myself to novel writing, even though everything I read and everyone I talk to says I should. It’s partly because it’s hard for me not to try to write well (which means revising and time taken away from the other project); but a bigger part of my aversion to blogging right now is I can’t seem to do it and let the stats fall as they may. If the whole point is to build a platform, connect with readers, etc., how can I help not obsessing about whether or not the readers are there? How do other bloggers avoid this? (Real questions, I guess, since I do need to blog again and tweat more etc.)

nan @ lbddiaries

I understand the driving need but thank God I don’t need it anymore. I walked away from all that a couple of years ago. I never did learn how to check stats and stuff like that. I almost got caught up in the “# of followers” thing along with social media brouhaha but I found out after I disconnected from Twitter and a few other social things like SITS that I didn’t die, when Google took its Friends thing away, I didn’t die, and for truth, I never could get into Facebook because I hate, loathe and despise it with a passion. It’s a time-sucker and I don’t have time to give to that demon. I hate reading blogs that get so cluttered with advertising that they flash me to distraction (even while understanding why that necessary evil is there).

I have a few bloggers I read who inspire me, make me laugh, make me cry, and move me with passion (YOU). I have the few precious e-friends I’ve made and LOVE who read me faithfully, and especially Alpha Hubby. What else is there?
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Tara

I totally agree. It seems the more technological we get, the more impersonal we get. We become all consumed in our selves, and less concerned with those around us. I wonder if that person you’re referring to bothered to notice the status updates of everyone else, rather than whine about how nobody “liked” hers.

I will admit, though. There is a certain high you get when a bunch of people like what you’re saying. I guess we all have our egotistical issues to deal with. At least, I do. :/

Kisses!
Tara
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Red Dwyer

I am heavily immersed in social media because of my business. My friends think I have lost my marbles or fallen into a hole when I do not bother with my personal SM. Frankly, if I get there, I do. If I do not, they all have my tele number!

While I have FAB friends, I also have friends I have met online who live not only in my computer and in my CrackBerry, but, like you, also walk directly into my life in the FAB world. Virtual life closes the distance for me with my overseas friends, but nothing will ever, ever, ever, ever, ever replace being able to touch someone who loves me in spite of what I post online.

How sad to let virtual applause drown the sweet sound of true endorsement.

Much love, my sweet can caring friend.
xxxx
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Carolyn Hughes

I totally get it! It isn’t about quantity, it’s about quality. Social media can be a great place to form relationships (how else would I have had the pleasure of connecting with you Kim 🙂 ? ) But it should never be the be all and end all.

You’re experience reminded me of all those messages I get in my ‘other’ box from guys looking for relationships. Mainly I think they’re just creepy but there’s a sadness about going down to that level.
I enjoy my online friends, but as you say, nothing beats face to face contact!

Love to you my friend 🙂
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Sandra

Oh how I hear ya! Despite the utter pain I am putting onto the screen, I am enjoying my voice far more now than I did when I was obsessed with stats on my other blog. Now the writing is about the writing, not about the accolades. As usual, your wisdom is a gift to us.
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Lorre Lyons

Hell yeah!

Debi Pasricha

This is so spot on. And I think so important for young kids to KNOW: Our friends are not summed in our FB likes. And I love that Sally Field Speech, btw!
xo
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Sandra

Say it again girl!!
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Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson

Love this sooooo much.

And more importantly, reach out to this person.

Maybe she is depressed and reaching out the only way she knows how.

xo
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lisa

Really, really great post, Kim.
I feel bad for the person. She sounds like someone who might be very lonely.
I wish you a wonderful weekend, my friend! xo.
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Mike

Kim, this is a fantastic post and not spoken about amongst folks often enough. I’m not going to get into a long rant but there was a day before computers and the internet (yes, I was there) where life was far more fulfullling socially. Unfortunately those generations of people are fading away through attrition and any hope for passing down this wisdom of life will be lost forever. Keep up the great writing! 🙂
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Hilary

Great post! you are so right.. it is so sad that so many people value their worth by these things – but equally sad, I can understand why… the way we interact with others has changed so drastically with technology – these tools should help bring us closer, but I feel in a lot of ways it has hurt our social skills.
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Debbie

Kim, thank you for saying this! It’s so easy to obsess over statistics, when all they are is numbers. Why must we feel so pressured to PROVE we have worth? Why is a number proof anyway? You’re so right in saying that living, breathing people who “Like” us are much more relevant, and we should be concentrating on building/solidifying our relationships!
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Dad

I get it I GET IT.
Love You
Dad

Ellen M. Gregg

I love this post, Kim. I see such statuses with alarming frequency. (Seeing it at all is alarming, to be clear.) I saw two them, in fact, just this past week.
The first was, “One person unfriended me this morning. :-(” My response, unwritten, was, “I don’t even know how many Facebook friends I have, to be able to know that has happened.” It means she’s looking at those stats, and hinging on their fluctuation.
The second was, “Two people unlike my page today. I wonder who they were. :-(” Since the page is more on the business side of things, I get the wondering, because it could have to do with the content being put out, and lost likes could mean lost business. Even so, focusing on that would drive me nuts.
I hope you’re enjoying a lovely summer, honey. 🙂 xoxo

injaynesworld

This should be scrawled on bathroom walls all over the country. And I mean that in a good way. There are so many lonely, isolated people of all ages who depend on social media to make them feel alive. A “like” or a comment is like a crack high. And then comes the crash and they need more and more. It’s very sad. Wise words, my friend. And for the record, I really, really like you. 🙂
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solidgoldcreativity

Well said, Kim. I particularly liked this line, “Do not be, I repeat, do not be manipulated into writing for anybody but yourself.” I get surprised when people forget that writing can only ever be for ourselves. Sure, it might speak to many others along the way, and that’s in the nature of a happy bonus.

I’ve had a few people over the years tell me what I should be writing in my blog and how I should be writing it, even while they were reading it and, supposedly, enjoying it. The funniest incident I saw was a woman who got irate on a famous knitter’s blog because the blogger had used the word, “nipple”. In the next post, the knitter replied in the only way possible: she wrote a post full of “nipple”, and nothing else.
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Shreya Kashyap

I hope as many fb critters get to read this !
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Jennifer Wolfe

Kim, those people sadly are ones who live their non virtual lives seeking approval from others as well. I e spent time teaching my own kids about this, but I feel sad when I see those types of posts. Everything in balance is my belief.

Fireblossom

Amen to all of it. I do have my three people without whom a poem doesn’t seem complete, but as for the rest, I enjoy comments from everyone, but i certainly don’t measure the worth of my poems or myself by that.

That said, thank you for your recent comments! 😛
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Liz

So true! What a great message, Kim…and a push to call some girlfriends up to have lunch 🙂
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Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella

Wow I would have thought that she was joking too! I agree, social media is lovely but take it for what it is, like a cocktail party. Real friends are real friends. BTW you asked me about Breaking Bad? I am LOVING it! How good is the latest season? :O xxx
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Coffee and Crumpets

With all the social media available now to our young generations, they have no idea on how to be sociable! I see my daughters friends and not one knows how to hold a conversation or to be be polite. All this social media as great as it is for fun, is terrible for somebody insecure. Thank you for stopping by my blog!

Nazneen
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Heather @ Sugar Dish Me

This is the 2nd time in a week I have read a post about not defining worth by numbers and I NEEDED IT!!! Especially because this is how I earn my living. When it comes to advertisers and a paycheck all they care about are the numbers and it can be SO defeating. You are so right to remind all of us that it is quality NOT quantity! Thanks so much for this!!!
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Barbara @ Barbara Bakes

It is sad that technology has separated us so much that we resort to social media for validation. There are so many lonely people out there. It is sad.
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Pure Complex

I couldn’t agree with you more on just about every point you made. You should’ve seen me giving you the church “Amen” over here lol. But you’re so right, especially about the blog. I had to learn, the content is more important then the stats. Stats change and will work in your favor if you love what you do and your content shows that. LOVED reading this
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Girl with a New Life

Thank you for this post.

Trying to generate a “life” on facebook is not the same as going out and living it.

One of my friends from across the pond once told me, “Watching people living exciting lives on tv is not a substitute for actually living your own life.”
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Brenda

You’re a beautiful person, Kim. I suppose getting likes is like all those other thing people view as really important. I am PATHETIC when it comes to self-marking and socializing, and I don’t lose any sleep over it. What I do worry about besides my family, is writing every day and hit submit on a story. That’s what matters to me. Thank you sending love out to the universe, my sweet.
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Ameena

So sad to read that someone’s day can be affected by the number of Likes they receive on FB. I find myself moving away from FB every day…just realizing that it’s not that important in the grand scheme of things!

Great post Kim.
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Adriana Boatwright (@AdrianaIris)

Social media can be detrimental when it runs our lives like the status you speak of above. Sad this person is needing so much love and not getting it in real life. Like everything we need to know thyself. 🙂

I hear a lot of this being said by many bloggers then the comments pour in about how we don’t care about numbers or social media but it is obvious we do. If we didn’t we just would not go around making sure we comment, tweet the new post etc. If we did not care about who read we would write on a journal and no one would have to comment on it would be for self satisfaction. Bottomline we hit publish in hopes we are heard. I also know many asshole bloggers with little readership as well as large.

Now I am just rambling.

Noeleen

Excellent post – & 63 people liked it, I note!! 🙂

You’re so right though – & that comment that girl made “I feel like a loser”, is really sad. I’m so glad I’m not on Facebook. I just don’t need it.

I didn’t know Sally Field had said that in acceptance speech – that was interesting.

Great post!
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Blond Duck

I hope you’re doing well!

Kathy

OMG–I was convinced you weren’t blogging any more! Just saw your comment over on Val’s last post and decided I had better check, just to be sure. Yikes, why am I not getting your emails anymore?

Hugs from Ecuador,
Kathy
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Diane Clark

I could not agree with you more about this sad situation. Social media makes some of us sick. It’s totally natural to look for love and attention. Yet, it’s unnatural to look for these things online from your friend list, whom you hardly know. I wish everyone could just get back to real world and live a real life.
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Wild Child Mama

I’ve seen this same type of thing on FB. It drives me f’ing crazy!!! I don’t get on facebook that much. I can’t keep up with people’s lives that way. If I didn’t see your post, don’t assume I don’t like you!! Jeez!
Drives me crazy.
And, holy cats, if I wrote in my blog for ratings I’d be pretty disappointed, HA!!! Man oh man.
I love your honesty. Someone had to say it!
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