In Memory of Kay

When Spring Comes Alive


 

—I long for a love that aches inside…like when spring
comes alive,  so would I.  To be in love.  What a blessed gift.—Kay Marie Sisto

My sister, Kay, left several journals behind.

“If anything ever happens to me,” she said, “please keep them or burn them.”

Of course, I kept them. All of them from 1983-2010.

Every. Heartbroken. Horrendous. Hideous. Word.

The only problem is when I begin reading her sentences, I get weepy, emotional, and unbearably unhappy.

A dark blanket covers me. A black water buries me.

I drown inside the fucking ink.

And I die a little bit more because I couldn’t save her.

Why didn’t you tell me, dear?

We were best friends, weren’t we?  We were from the same root, the same womb, the same heart.

Why didn’t you tell me you were dying, too

Journal Entry 2009

Journal Entry 2010.

My sister, soul mate, & best friend, Kay, was murdered May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson.  She never found peace on earth— but you can.  Please leave before it’s too late.  Do Not Wait  ONE MORE  SOLITARY  DAY.

xxxx

It is a healing experience being part of the KAY MARIE SISTO MEMORIAL WALK to END domestic violence:  **Saturday, June 1, 2013 @ 11:00 AM on the Waterfront Trail**

Click Here To Donate & In Comment Box write \”FOR KAY\’S WALK!

Click Here To Register

If you are want to send a donation directly to me:

please send to—- My Inner Chick / Kay’s Walk–  715 North 65th. Avenue West, Duluth, MN 55807

My Wish List for The Kay Marie Sisto Memorial Walk:

City Permit– $120.00    (((( HAS BEEN PAID FOR ))) !!!  Thanks Bobby Brown.  Xxx

Advertising– $250.00

Tent– $500.00

Printing– $650.00

Postage– $500.00

T-Shirts– $1500.00

PA System– $200.00

Food–$150.00

~~~~Get Help NOW for Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse–800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ PLEASE Do Not Wait One. More. Solitary. Day.


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44 Comments

  • Reply
    Red Dwyer
    March 22, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Love is the gift we all want and need and are afraid to be without. My heart breaks for you both.
    Love from the depth of my soul,
    xxx
    Red Dwyer recently posted..Made RedMy Profile

  • Reply
    Dangerous Linda
    March 22, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    Kim, this is a very powerful post! Thank you so much for sharing your sisters tragic story in a way that may inspire others to live! I would like to share this at https://www.facebook.com/DangerousLinda

    Thank you! Holding you in my heart! XOXOXOXOXO

  • Reply
    Terri Sonoda
    March 22, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    —I long for a love that aches inside…like when spring
    comes alive, so would I. To be in love. What a blessed gift.—Kay Marie Sisto <—-Gave me goosebumps. This was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing, sweet Kim. Love you! XOXOs
    Terri Sonoda recently posted..You can’t choose your neighborsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Joe Peterson
    March 22, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Through the ugly truths she kept within, she exuded life and beauty. Kim, Kay was a strong woman and even more precious now that her story can be shared. I’m so proud of the awareness you are creating and the lives you can hopefully help improve – we all deserve the Love she spoke of.
    <3 U

  • Reply
    Barbara
    March 22, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Heartbreaking. So fucking heartbreaking. These posts put me into an emotional tailspin. A part of me knows, There but for the Grace of God, more than once with my mother. It takes me right back to those pitch dark, horrible times. I feel you girl.
    xob
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  • Reply
    nan @ LBDDiaries
    March 22, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    What heartbreaking writing. Beautiful poetry, terrible journal words. I have a bruised heart for you. It hurts because you hurt.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    March 22, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    Kim, I never had the pleasure of meeting Kay but from what I’ve read she was a compassionate, beautiful person. The journal entries are chilling, I can’t imagine what it was like to read them. xxx
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  • Reply
    Liz
    March 22, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    Kim,

    I felt so sad when I saw the stack of your sister’s journals in the photo. How sad, but glad you kept them. It’s just a sad, sad thought & image. I’m glad you shared this information though. I also think your sister’s piece about Spring is so wonderfully written. I’ll bet she was a really good writer! When I first read the Spring entry, I thought, she is really echoing my thoughts right now, wanting, wishing, needing Spring!

    Kim, thank you so much for this post.

  • Reply
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell
    March 22, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    If just one person leaves because of this…. 🙂 I hope and pray.
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..I’m Enrolled in Monsters University! #MonstersUEventMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    March 22, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    Kay didn’t tell you because, selflessly, she didn’t want to burden you. She put it all in those journals. How tragic. But by sharing this you’re saving other women from the same fate. What beautiful women you are, Kim and Kay.
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..A Good Airing OutMy Profile

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    March 22, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    To love and lose is the worst punishment, Kim.
    Kay loved you too much to worry you with what she was going through. But yes, I wish she had told you. 🙁 My Mother put up with seven years of mental and physical abuse before she was thrown out with me – but that’s the best thing that happened to both of us. Yet, she never talked about what she went through until I was 24 – that too in bits and pieces, totally edited.

    Hugs! I feel like touching those journals – and reading them. Kay’s words squeeze my heart.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..Are you a blogger? Stop Writing. Now!My Profile

  • Reply
    Alison
    March 22, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    What heartbreaking words.
    Lots of love to you, Kim. xo

  • Reply
    Michael Ann
    March 22, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    I can see why having her journals would be wonderful and heart-breaking at the same time. Seeing her handwriting here on your blog breaks my heart too.
    Michael Ann recently posted..Apple Walnut SconesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Impulsive Addict
    March 22, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    I love that you have her journals. I hate that you get sad reading them but I understand. You are truly amazing. You know that, right?

    Love you and love your blog! xoxo
    Impulsive Addict recently posted..TTUT and a DickMy Profile

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    March 23, 2013 at 12:47 am

    Dear Kim, I want to say something which may be out of line. Please disregard if it is and accept my apology.

    Consider the possibility that Kay knew if she had told you, she would have had to leave. And she couldn’t trust herself to leave.

    Living under fearful circumstances would have reduced her ability to think clearly, and may have convinced her that she wouldn’t be able to find the internal resources to leave.

    It’s clear to anyone reading here that she had absolute love, trust and faith in you. It’s herself she couldn’t be certain of.
    solidgoldcreativity recently posted..Ode to Friday: StevensMy Profile

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    March 23, 2013 at 1:29 am

    Oh Kim. No words, just love flying across the blogosphere to you. Turning your grief and pain into life=saving work is simply amazing. You could have crawled under the bed and velcroed yourself to the carpet refusing to come out. You haven’t. You rock.

  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    March 23, 2013 at 4:19 am

    Kay’s great love for you kept her silent I suspect. Your great love keeps you speaking I know.

    No words Kim, it is all a terrible tragedy. Nothing can erase the horrify past.

    I love you and cannot wait to give you a real hug.

    Val

  • Reply
    Hilary
    March 23, 2013 at 4:59 am

    I can’t imagine how hard it is to read her words, but at the same time, I can’t help but think how lucky you are to be able to….. Big hugs
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  • Reply
    debbie
    March 23, 2013 at 5:10 am

    It has to be so painful to read those journals and more so because they are handwritten by someone you love so much. Thank you Kim for sharing them with us and just thank you again and again……..
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  • Reply
    Emily
    March 23, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Kay was a beautiful writer, just like you. I think it’s so common to hold back, not to share the whole story. Her journal entries are relatable and I think that’s what makes them so chilling. You’re good to share them. You’re helping so many women this way.
    Emily recently posted..Happy Changes: HoneyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Pam Hogeweide
    March 23, 2013 at 7:58 am

    I am reminded of the Tom Waits song, You Can Never Hold Back Spring:

    You can never hold back spring
    You can be sure I will never stop believing
    The blushing rose, it will climb
    Spring ahead or fall behind
    Winter dreams the same dream, every time

    Baby you can never hold back spring
    Even though you’ve lost your way
    The world is dreaming, dreaming of spring

    So close your eyes
    Open your heart
    To the one who’s dreaming of you
    And you can never hold back spring
    Remember everything that spring can bring
    Baby you can never hold back spring
    Baby you can never hold back spring

    LOVE YOU !!

  • Reply
    Liz
    March 23, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Kim, sending love. You are making a difference.
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  • Reply
    Ellen M. Gregg
    March 23, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Oh, Kim. I imagine I would wrap my arms around those stacks of journals, were I you. I would sniff them for a whiff of Kay’s perfume; listen to them for the sound of her voice, the echo of her laughter. I would run my fingers over the ink and feel the impression left behind by the tip of the pen, and feel its impression on my heart’s page, too.

    She couldn’t tell you because you were best friends; from the same root, the same womb, the same heart. She couldn’t tell you because then you would have lived in her day/nightmare, too.

    It sucks that he killed her. I didn’t know her, and yet it sucks in a gut-clenching way.

    Now you are her voice, and, through you, we are her voice. Her voice, in death, is so loud and strong and far-reaching. She had that voice and its power within her, all along. If only she had known. xoxoxo

  • Reply
    Renee
    March 23, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    It must be bittersweet to have the journals and her thoughts and the horrific abuse she sufferred at the hands of the one swearing to love her. I hope it will be a comfort someday, that feeling of spring, instead of the drowning death of her sorrow.
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  • Reply
    Liz
    March 23, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    Such crushing words…my heart aches for you, my friend.
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  • Reply
    Monica
    March 23, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Kim, I just made a small donation but I forgot to write in the comment box that it was for Kay’s Walk. Is there something else I can do to make that right? Sorry.

    But how wonderful you have her diaries. I know it’s hard to read them right now. But one day, maybe. My father left me about 15 cassette tapes in which he recorded his story. He died nearly 20 years ago and it’s only recently that I’ve been able to listen.
    Monica recently posted..First LoveMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 24, 2013 at 8:05 am

      I sent them an email!

      Thank you, Dearest. Soooo much.

      I dont’ think I shall ever read the diaries, Monica.

      They “hurt” me.

      Xxx Love
      My Inner Chick recently posted..When Spring Comes AliveMy Profile

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    March 23, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    I have no words. It’s heart-breaking. Sending you love. Lots and lots of love.
    ladyfi recently posted..ExpectancyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie
    March 24, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Kim, I’m glad you kept your sister’s journals. Yes, I imagine reading them is gut-wrenching, but if what Kay wrote and the experiences she lived can help just one woman become brave enough to leave an abusive situation, then she won’t have lived in vain. Hugs to you, dear!!
    Debbie recently posted..Spammed AgainMy Profile

  • Reply
    countingducks
    March 25, 2013 at 6:30 am

    I only have to glance at those journal entries to feel upset, and get the sense of a precious life wasted, so goodness knows how you feel. Big hugs from me if they help at all
    countingducks recently posted..Death By MannersMy Profile

  • Reply
    Des @ Ditch the Degree
    March 25, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    I would say that, that’s one of the beautiful memories she had left for you. Bittersweet feeling!
    I can’t believe that she’s been writing since 1983….

    Des
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  • Reply
    Bridget
    March 26, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    Perhaps her words can save someone else. You should collect some and publish them.
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  • Reply
    Sandra
    March 26, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    Oh Kim, this is heartbreaking and so brave of you to share them with us.

  • Reply
    Debi Pasricha
    March 26, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    I cannot imagine what it must be like for you to have her journals and read them–like a deep, tangible connection to her, yet also deeply connected to her pain. Xx
    Debi Pasricha recently posted..26.2: What really happened at the L.A. MarathonMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lafemmeroar
    March 26, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    My gosh Kim … I’m speechless over this post. My mind is full of thoughts and I’m sorry that I can’t express them in this comment. The tragedy … the love you and your sister still have for each other … I really believe she is watching over you. All I can say is that I’m glad I know you even though it is only through this “platform.” I’m fortunate that I know you because of posts like this.
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  • Reply
    Lady Jennie
    March 27, 2013 at 11:14 am

    You didn’t know anything? Did you suspect? The journals are heartbreaking, but they are so precious at the same time.
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  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    March 27, 2013 at 11:52 am

    I think I would have kept them too, but unlike you I would not have the strength to read them. To see her heartache written would just be too much.
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  • Reply
    Pure Complex
    March 27, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Love really is powerful. And I can completely say the both of you are spectacular writers. Which is why I love visiting your website.
    Pure Complex recently posted..Art / Imitating LifeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Bella
    March 27, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    Kim, this is such an emotion-filled post. There’s emotion from Kay’s side, the harmful love she couldn’t leave and there’s emotion in your inability to bring yourself to read her words. How to deal with these feelings? Is it possible that you could reach a sort of catharsis upon reading what she confessed to her journal, or shall her words continue to leave your wounds open? Perhaps with time you shall be able to read what happened; her reasons, her feelings. And in the event that this day never comes, know that she trusted you with these pieces of her heart. No one else. Just you. While it may be bittersweet, it is still an action that shows not only her trust in you, but her love for you. Nothing or no one will ever change that, dear one. I know you know that in your heart. Sending you hugs across the miles.

  • Reply
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles
    March 31, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    ‘I long for a love that aches inside…like when spring comes alive’ – how utterly beautiful.

    xo
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  • Reply
    David Tucker
    April 2, 2013 at 12:31 am

    It seems that I feel your pain by simply reading your lines. It’s unbelievable how the simple pixels of online text can carry so much sorrow. Nobody deserves what your sister has been through. I hope that your effort will save somebody befor it’s too late.
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  • Reply
    adrianairis
    April 6, 2013 at 10:08 am

    Love and adore you. I read this last week then life pulled me away and could not comment.
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  • Reply
    Girl with a New Life
    April 19, 2013 at 6:50 am

    What a touching post.

    I feel like I need to meditate on this awhile before I can say something deserving. Love. Love is at the center of everything.

    Thank you for sharing this with us.
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