In Memory of Kay

Free of Him


 

My dear sweet Kay.

“Your coffin reached the monstrous hole. And a part of me went down into
the muddy earth with you and lay down next to you and died with you.” –Rosamund
Lupton, Sister

 

I feel you leaving me.

Your voice a faint whisper thru pines. Your soft cheek skimming my cheek. Your
fingers gently unfolding from my fingers.

I feel you letting go.

I haven’t cried myself to sleep all month. The tears dried up, the blood
clotted, the pain finds other places to flow.

Prayer soaks thru my bones even when I don’t pray.

 

I can’t. I can’t.

The words stick inside my throat like dead verse, broken benedictions.

I feel you freeing yourself from me. Your breath caught in air.  Your pink lips smiling in space.

I dream of you all night long. The insidious gloom. The shade consuming me.

 

Who can I share my secrets with?

All of the birthdays without you. Baking chocolate chip cookies without you.
Saturdays roaming around Barnes and Noble without you.

The sun shines differently without you.

You wanted to work with animals. I wanted to write like Sylvia Plath.

You wanted to leave your husband. I wanted to leave my dead end job.

We talked about growing old together and getting facelifts at fifty. We talked
about living in a duplex as wrinkled women with 100 homeless cats. Remember how
we were going to wear high heels around the house and bright red lipstick?

We laughed until we peed our pants.

Nobody loved me like you.

Nobody. Ever. Again.

Now your long brown hair twists and twirls thru sky as if you’re leaving me, as
if you’re waving goodbye, as if you’re wrapping your arms around a new
universe.

And even now inside this darkness, these black fangs of mourning,  now and again, I feel a
surprising surge of joy….

…because I know you are FREE—–finally free of him.

My soul mate and sister was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  The sun shines much differently now.

xxxx

It is a healing experience being part of the KAY MARIE SISTO MEMORIAL WALK to END domestic violence:  Saturday, June 1, 2013 @ 11:00 AM on the Waterfront Trail

Click Here To Donate & In Comment Box write \”FOR KAY\’S WALK!

Click Here To Register

If you are want to send a donation directly to me:

please send to—- My Inner Chick / Kay’s Walk–  715 North 65th. Avenue West, Duluth, MN 55807

My Wish List for The Kay Marie Sisto Memorial Walk:

City Permit– $120.00    (((( HAS BEEN PAID FOR ))) !!!  Thanks Bobby.  Xxx

Advertising– $250.00

Tent– $500.00

Printing– $650.00

Postage– $500.00

T-Shirts– $1500.00

PA System– $200.00

Food–$150.00

~~~~Get Help NOW for Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ PLEASE Do Not Wait One. More. Solitary. Day.

 


Subscribe To My Inner Chick

Never miss an update!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

You Might Also Like

105 Comments

  • Reply
    Barbara
    March 12, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    This is so poignantly and beautifully written Kim. My heart breaks with you, yet it’s full of the love you shared and continue to share. Check’s coming.
    xob
    Barbara recently posted..The Philadelphia Flower Show 2013…Brilliant!My Profile

  • Reply
    Helene Abbott
    March 12, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Wow….so beauifully said for a beautiful sister, written by a beautiful sister.

  • Reply
    Beverly Diehl
    March 12, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    If you decide you want to be an old, wrinkled woman in California, I’ll wear high heels and lipstick around the house with you.

    But I insist on going barefoot in public.

    Love you, love Kay, wish I could be there for the walk.
    Beverly Diehl recently posted..Five Favorite Books – ONLY Five ?!My Profile

  • Reply
    debbie
    March 12, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    An arrow through the heart. Just gut wrenching. If I lived closer I would come to your walk. Oh I wish I lived closer!
    debbie recently posted..IHOP Pancake RecipeMy Profile

  • Reply
    solidgoldcreativity
    March 12, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    “The insidious gloom” … your power as a writer, as a conduit for expression, is growing each time, Kim.

    So moved by this piece and by your love. You are immense. xx

  • Reply
    Tia
    March 12, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    Your words are so touching. Love you!!!

  • Reply
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell
    March 12, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    That is definitely the positive out of this thing. She is free from him forever!
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..Easy Candy Topped Cookie Pizza with Nestle Easter CandyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Susan B
    March 12, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Mmmmm, Kim- the imagery here is very beautiful. So clear I can see it…Kay’s long brown hair waving in the wind and I see you glimpsing – a place of joy. Hallelujah! Joy that Kaye is free… A smile in your soul. That is a wondeful thing. YOU are the most incredible writer. You are MY Sylvia and the voice of passion and love and longing.

    You are not going to be beat down. You have too many to stand up for…

    I know that the Kim I first met 3 years ago has changed. She’s gone, been shaped by events too horrible to imagine.But she has been burnished and polished to a brilliance so deep, others see their selves in the mirror of her words.

    I love that old Kim. And I love the new one too.

    Sorry I have been so MIA. XXOO

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 9:22 am

      And I love you and your words, passion, kindness, & joy, Susan.

      XxxxOOOOO
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    March 13, 2013 at 1:23 am

    Oh sweetheart.
    Today I went to the funeral of a dear, dear friend – taken too soon, but at least she died naturally. I hurt and hurt badly, but my pain diminishes to a freckle next to yours.
    Hurting for you, hurting with you – always. And yes, at least he cannot hurt Kay anymore. He can, and does, hurt everyone who loved her. Now and forever. I am not charitable – so I hope he rots. Now and forever.
    Elephant’s Child recently posted..Sunday Selections #111My Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie
    March 13, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Beautiful, dear. Simply beautiful. Hugs to you (and what a lovely picture of your beloved Kay!)
    Debbie recently posted..Trivial Facts About This and ThatMy Profile

  • Reply
    Trish
    March 13, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Beautiful words, Kim. See you soon, xoxo Trish

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    March 13, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    …and did you? Did you leave your dead-end job? Life is too short to be unhappy if you can do something about it. Another poignant and beautifully written post to and for Kay.
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..HiatusMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 9:55 am

      Nan,
      NO! I am still there, but looking desperately. DO YOU know of anythng?

      I am quite UNHAPPY where I am.

      I have many pity parties Xxx Love to you, sweets.
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    jen
    March 13, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Kay’s beautiful spirit lives on thru your heartfelt reflections. xxoo
    jen recently posted..wordless Wednesday- sibling nostalgiaMy Profile

  • Reply
    Charlene Ross
    March 13, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    Your writing always takes my breath away Kim. Every. Single. Time.
    Charlene Ross recently posted..So, I Won This Contest on Pinterest…My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 11:01 am

      Charlene,
      coming from you, this is quite a compliment. Xxx LOVE.
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Caroline
    March 13, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Beautifully written, Kim (as always). Lots of hugs for you today. xoxo
    Caroline recently posted..keep ‘em away. [banana cupcakes w. peanut butter cream cheese frosting]My Profile

  • Reply
    Dad
    March 13, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Kay is free free free, HALLELUJAH.
    Love You
    Dad

  • Reply
    Ellen M. Gregg
    March 13, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    Most of my thoughts on this post have already been written in the comments above, and with elegant eloquence. The imagery you drew is stunning and heart-wrenching.

    “I’ll be seeing you” comes to mind, as opposed to “goodbye.” I don’t think you and Kay will really ever say goodbye; your souls are exquisitely intertwined.

    I love that she is free of him. I’m hugging you up, out there in Duluth. xoxo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 11:02 am

      NEVER say goodbye. NEVER. Ever.

      Love your words, Ellen. Always. xxxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Alison
    March 13, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Love this. And you.
    xoxo

  • Reply
    Choc Chip Uru
    March 13, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    The way you express her freedom is absolutely lovely my friend…
    Moving…

    Hugs
    Uru
    Choc Chip Uru recently posted..Guest Post #1: Pasta PuttanescaMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    March 14, 2013 at 2:49 am

    This cuts like a knife, Kim. I felt myself wanting to hang onto Kay, not let her go. And the heartbreak of having to… I love you both!
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..Let’s Hang Out the Sheets!My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 11:04 am

      Jann,
      I shall NEVER let go…never never never…

      LOVE u 2 Xxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Hilary
    March 14, 2013 at 4:07 am

    Beautiful, as always….
    I love you
    Hilary recently posted..Do these come any smaller? Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    March 14, 2013 at 4:09 am

    As always, my heart skips a beat. You express what so many of us feel.

    I am looking at flights (have one on hold right now) and trying to negotiate timing. Trying to talk dearly beloved in walking with me. We shall see.

    Always my love.
    Valentine Logar recently posted..FTP 10 AshamedMy Profile

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    March 14, 2013 at 5:11 am

    So heartbreaking and beautiful.
    ladyfi recently posted..The many shades of coldMy Profile

  • Reply
    adrianairis
    March 14, 2013 at 6:10 am

    Let it be loud and clear. xoxo
    adrianairis recently posted..Confessions…My Profile

  • Reply
    Pamela
    March 14, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Just as beautiful as always!
    Pamela recently posted..The first to go.My Profile

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    March 14, 2013 at 8:32 am

    That monster will never steal your beautiful memories of Kay xxx
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..Made From Scratch: Thai Green Curry Paste & Thai Green Chicken CurryMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 11:07 am

      NEVER.
      he took A LOT, but he could not take Kay’s Heart. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Corinne Rodrigues
    March 14, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Love you, Kim…….
    Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..Love YourselfMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sue
    March 14, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Kim,

    Seriously, I have to stop reading your blogs at work…
    I couldn’t leave my office for an hour!

    This was beautiful.

    Love to you and the fam.
    See you soon.

    Sue

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 11:36 am

      Sue,
      I feel the same way writing these letters to Kay.

      Love to you. See you soon, dear. Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Brenda
    March 14, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    You know that you are love, yes? And love, by many. I think we need to send Sue a box of tissues, but only after I take a few for me. Love and a big hug, Brenda.
    Brenda recently posted..Interviewing for a Writer’s JobMy Profile

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    March 14, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    Have a wonderful weekend!
    Blond Duck recently posted..Puppy ChowMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    March 14, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    I can envision your beautiful words. I love what Susan B. wrote! I love the old and the new you!! You and Kay’s spirits are entwined as one as always will be. I registered so I will be there for walk. Love you all.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 11:44 am

      Kim,
      how beautiful. Entwining. YES. Like Roots & Hair & Hearts. Xxx luv u
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Monica
    March 14, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    What a beautiful relationship you and Kay have had. It’s truly inspiring, Kim. A good reminder, too, not to take our loved ones for granted. To show them how much we love them whenever we can. You’ve touched my heart through the love that comes across your blog. Don’t know if you saw, but I left you a link to a youtube. A song for all women. A song that conveys love for our fellow women, and how we are all the same. We are one. Here’s the link:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dnq2QeCvwpw
    Monica recently posted..Ken Follett and John Lee: Master StorytellersMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 11:49 am

      Monica,
      I watched the video.

      I LOVE IT. Moving. Thank you, dearest. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Renee
    March 15, 2013 at 3:29 am

    Your words are so real and raw. And yet, I keep thinking how fortunate you were – if only for a time – to have such a wonderful sister. That makes her unnecessary death even more devastating.
    Renee recently posted..Blue Ceiling with Yellow StarsMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 11:50 am

      Yes,
      our time together made me into who I am now.

      Xxx Love to you, Renee.
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Noeleen
    March 15, 2013 at 5:47 am

    It’s very decent how you’ve laid out the costs.

    Please forgive me I haven’t much money, but do know I’m with you in spirit. I know, that sounds tacky old stuff, but it is so true. My father upon my mother, then myself – domestic violence kills, there is not a doubt.

    God bless Kay.

    Most sincerely, Good luck.
    Noeleen recently posted..I lost some of my life to alcohol, this weekMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 11:51 am

      NOoooo need to forgive you, dear. no no no

      This walk is for AWARENESS, too.

      Love your blog, Noeleen. SOOO much. Xxxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Girl with a New Life
    March 15, 2013 at 7:56 am

    Sending my love and prayers your way.

    Whenever I read your poetry, I can imagine you speaking it to me.
    Girl with a New Life recently posted..Pretending it’s Summer: Strawberry & Nutella MuffinsMy Profile

  • Reply
    countingducks
    March 15, 2013 at 7:59 am

    I would like to help. Can I send a sterling cheque I wonder. Wouldn’t be a lot , but I’d like to help anyway

  • Reply
    Emily
    March 15, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    I like to think about her moving forward into a more beautiful world. But I hate to think she’s gone.

    Thinking of you, Kim.
    Emily recently posted..Happy Changes: BrothMy Profile

  • Reply
    mamawolfe
    March 15, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    Beautiful, Kim. To find any ounce of joy is a miracle.
    mamawolfe recently posted..An Apache Blessing – A Little Beauty For Your DayMy Profile

  • Reply
    Red Dwyer
    March 15, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    I am working on being there for the walk. Good thoughts for the planets aligning, and I will squeeze your neck and tell you I love you. xxx
    Red Dwyer recently posted..Writer’s DarklightMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 10:36 pm

      And I shall squeeze you back tightly and tell you the same, Red. Xxxxx LOooooooove. xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debi Pasricha
    March 15, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Your poignant words are so tactile and visual. Ommm . . .

  • Reply
    Liz
    March 16, 2013 at 11:43 am

    I have 3 sisters…and I can’t even imagine the magnitude of your pain. I wish her freedom didn’t come at such a cost. xo
    Liz recently posted..Orange-Scented Lentil Soup…#FrenchFridayswithDorieMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 10:37 pm

      Yes, Liz.
      A HIGH cost for all of us who loved/ love her dearly, completely, always.

      Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    March 16, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    Hugs and kisses, Kim! Loss leaves a big vacuum in the heart that nothing is good enough to fill it up with. I have lost many dear ones and sometimes, I feel so weary!

    Your words just squeeze my heart. Holding you close with love…

    And love you more than the acres of sunflowers I passed on my way to work.

    P.S. How is your book coming along? It is going to be awesome!
    Vidya Sury recently posted..Parenting with love and logicMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 16, 2013 at 10:39 pm

      Vidya,
      I Love when you come see me. Sooo much.

      I love that you ask about my book each time.

      I have 15 more essays to edit & then I am passing it on to an editor…

      then… Then…then.

      I shall release my book into the world.

      LOVE you more than snow on my pine tree. Xxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

      • Reply
        Vidya Sury
        March 18, 2013 at 9:28 am

        Wow – That’s so exciting, Kim. 🙂 I can’t wait to show you off along with your book on my blog! Your book is going to be very very successful and touch so many hearts!

        Hugs!
        Vidya Sury recently posted..Happy Hours Make Happy DaysMy Profile

  • Reply
    ladyfi
    March 17, 2013 at 2:02 am

    Just to let you know, you can find Oscar’s fan page on Facebook here:

    https://www.facebook.com/oscar.hugossonmiller?ref=ts&fref=ts
    ladyfi recently posted..The pink dogMy Profile

  • Reply
    marie
    March 18, 2013 at 3:20 am

    Your words are so beautiful Kim, very poetic and even if the subject is painful, you know how to take us to a place of peace.
    At least Kay is free now It does not erase your pain, it gives you only some relief to know her torture is over.
    MUCH LOVE.
    marie recently posted..EgyptMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lady Jennie
    March 18, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Oh dear. I just donated and it said I was going to receive training material? I hope I didn’t sign up for something unwittingly.

    I love your words, sad as it is. And it’s true – she’s free of him.
    Lady Jennie recently posted..Life in the Trenches – Chapter 11My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 18, 2013 at 9:46 am

      –thank you, dear lady Jennie,
      How sweet.

      I shall check to see what you did!!

      xxxxxx LOVE.
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever
    March 18, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    *Nobody loved me like you.

    Nobody. Ever. Again.*

    Not true, my dear, not true.

    Love you, xoxo

  • Reply
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles
    March 18, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    Kim, this is so utterly beautiful. I just finished reading ‘proof of heaven’ on the plane ride back from jamaica. there were so many occasions – particularly towards the end of the book – that i thought of you and your sister… there is a poem in there too – ‘when tomorrow starts without me’ by david romano you must look up. Hugs to you – love and light, xo.
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles recently posted..Cranberry Chia Energy Bars (Raw, Vegan, Gluten Free)My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 19, 2013 at 4:55 am

      Kelly, did you say Jamaica?!! NICE.

      I will check out that poem. thank you.

      Love Love Love. Xxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 21, 2013 at 3:40 pm

      kelly,
      i cannot comment your blog! WHY!!?????? xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    El Farris
    March 20, 2013 at 5:32 am

    This is so incredibly touching dear friend. I am so glad she is finally free. Much love to you.
    El Farris recently posted..Minutes with BenMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 20, 2013 at 9:58 am

      My Dear El,
      Love when you visit my mourning pages. Xxxx How are you?
      My Inner Chick recently posted.. Free of HimMy Profile

  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    March 20, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    In my own life, some days I have forgiven things of my past, I have forgiven those who have hurt me. On those days I feel like I’ve finally done it! I’ve changed my world.
    And then days or months or years later, the resentment creeps back in, the anger, the time lost. And I have to learn a new way to forgive again so I don’t suffocate.
    This is how I relate. This is how I think you must feel (I can only guess at the pain).
    Some days the sun shines, others it shines differently.
    My heart breaks for you over and over again.
    And I’m always so grateful for your honesty.
    Wild Child Mama recently posted..Apron Give Away (so I can be Bold)My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 21, 2013 at 4:39 am

      ~~Mama,
      wanna hear the weirdest thing? I feel NO resentment. I do not HATE Kay’s murderer; I feel sorry for him. I always have. This was part of the problem…

      What I despise is the missing, longing, heartbreak.

      Yes, this is what I HATE. I miss my sister deeply, profoundly. It is like missing myself.

      Love to you, dear. Xx

  • Reply
    Lisa Thomson
    March 20, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    WHat an incredibly beautiful poem. I have tears and goosebumps. You have a gift to be able to heal people with your words.
    Lisa Thomson recently posted..Book LoveMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 21, 2013 at 4:39 am

      Lisa,
      thank you for you kind words. Xx

  • Reply
    mmmarzipan
    April 16, 2013 at 3:46 am

    What a beautiful, tragic and heart-wrenching post :'( So sorry for you and your sister. I have no words right now … x
    mmmarzipan recently posted..OPRAH & DEEPAK 21-DAY MEDITATION CHALLENGE (Perfect Health- my experiences, part 2)My Profile

  • Leave a Reply

    CommentLuv badge