In Memory of Kay

A Different Kind Of Christmas Tree


—My feet will want to
walk to where you are sleeping,  but I
shall go on living—Pablo Neruda

 

One blink of an eye. One flutter. Eyelashes touching a
bottom lid.

 

Open.  Close. Open.

 

And before you can shut your eyes a second time…

 

Blackness sets in. Shadows arrive. The love of your life
has been shot three times in the head.

 

Life transforms.  A
family torn apart.  A world becomes
reduced to something you’ve never known or imagined.

 

Never in your most horrifying
nightmares.

 

After your murder, I faced darkness directly in the face.
I never turned away. I absorbed

Every. Single. Detail.

 

Your  powerless
body on a breathing machine. The doctor of death giving us the news.

 

Brain Dead.  Are
you serious?

 

What does that mean? What the hell does that mean?

 

The preparation. The fucking preparation. It never ended.
The insignificant, idiotic, monotonous preparation.

 

The ironing of salmon colored shirts for the pall
bearers. Sitting with the gray haired man discussing the ceremony. How many
seats will we need? Do you want cake or cookies? Coffee or punch?

 

I don’t give a shit.

 

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

 

Observing your shell within a shiny brown casket.

 

A  perfect
porcelain doll.

 

Emptiness. Hollowness. A soul removed.  A flower left out.

 

You were beautiful.  You were always the beautiful one.

 

I ordered the autopsy report. I want to know, needed to
know everything the son-of-a-bitch did to you.

 

You had a bruise on her right arm. You still had the
remnants of bullets stuck inside your head.

 

You had three caesareans.
A scar on your left ear. Brown eyes. Brown highlighted hair.  A strong back. Flawless lungs.

 

Then you left me.
Left me.

 

Alone.

 

I’ve heard people actually die of  broken hearts.

 

If so, why am I still living, breathing, walking,
working, eating, celebrating Christmas, loving?

 

It’s been 948 days since your murder.

 

Sometimes I find it unbelievable, unbearable,
incomprehensible that my heart still beats.

 

But it does.  It
does.

 

And sometimes I feel bursts of joy—eruptions of
possibility.

 

Sometimes I actually believe I’ll be able to live without
you.

Kay’s Christmas Tree at Oneota Cemetery

 

You can link up anything you would like to
share about your lost love one: a link to a Facebook photo/post, a blog post
about a particular memory, a Pinterest pin sharing how you cope, whatever you
would like others to read or see. The link ups will be displayed as follows:

We have also created a Pinterest board
called Hugs for the Holidays and will be pinning many of your posts there as well. Please place your comments, stories, or anything else you desire below in comments, too.

Love  Love  Love

—–I also ask that you pray ceaselessly for the 27 shooting victims of Sandy Hook.  Our country can never go back to where it was
after that kind of evil.


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50 Comments

  • Reply
    Ellen M. Gregg
    December 19, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Such a beautiful thing to do, Kim; to create place and space for grief in a compassionately positive manner.

    Kay’s tree is beautiful. You are beautiful – from the inside out. You radiate beauty.

    Love, Ellen xoxo

  • Reply
    karen sosnoski
    December 19, 2012 at 6:06 am

    Oh my God, the last line is so daring, must have been so hard to write and harder to live. Hope in the face of so much violence takes so much courage–something we all need right now. Thank you Kim. You have an amazing spirit and your writing is going places, taking us along with you. XO

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    December 19, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Your words about Kay always take my breath away. She is so lucky to have you as a sister. I always thought one day I would meet you and Kay and your words let me know more about the 2 of you. Such love, so pure, so real. i would say you are so lucky but then my mind goes to May 26th and I know there is no prefect.
    love her tree. love you. elizabeth
    elizabeth recently posted..Hello God. Is it you or is it us? I am not blaming you…butMy Profile

  • Reply
    mamawolfe
    December 19, 2012 at 6:47 am

    Simply beautiful. Your love endures. Her spirit lives.
    mamawolfe recently posted..Sharing My TearsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Alison
    December 19, 2012 at 6:52 am

    You’re truly amazing for telling your story, baring your soul, sharing your beautiful Kay with us. Love you. xo
    Alison recently posted..The OrdinaryMy Profile

  • Reply
    Corinne Rodrigues
    December 19, 2012 at 7:05 am

    I looked at the picture for two minutes before I realized it is what you have created for Kay. Like everything else you do in her memory it’s beautiful.
    I’m sure your Christmas and holidays are tinged with such sadness …as Kay is missed and remembered in a special way. I have no words to offer – as they would all be so empty…..
    Holding you in love and prayer, dearest Kim.
    Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..A Writer On Vacation?My Profile

  • Reply
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell
    December 19, 2012 at 7:45 am

    You’re living without her physical presence but it’s very clear she is so much a part of you that she’s with you always. You are surviving, you are living, and you will find more and more joy in life and I know Kay would want nothing less than that for you.
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..Shari’s Berries, Cookies, Candy, Nuts & Yum!My Profile

  • Reply
    Trish
    December 19, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Thinking of you, Kim.

  • Reply
    Trish
    December 19, 2012 at 8:22 am

    Kim, I also wanted to share this with you. A tiny ray of light.

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/comfort-dogs-helping-ease-pain-sandy-hook-tragedy-article-1.1222295

  • Reply
    countingducks
    December 19, 2012 at 8:27 am

    My father was killed in a train accident on Dec 12th when I was eight years old. I always remember the emptiness. I always remember my brother handing out the presents instead of my Dad . That emptiness will be felt in twenty-seven and a million more homes because of sensless violence or acts of fatal stupidity this year. I never forget it
    countingducks recently posted..It’s RainingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Liz
    December 19, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Kim,

    I am so glad for your posts, especially this time of year. Grieving is a process that we work with all our life and I am grateful for your words. They help me too. In reading this post, I am thinking about the kids and adults shot senselessly in Connecticut. THAT NEVER HAD TO HAPPEN. WTF!!!! (Pardon my expression, or not : ) Why? Why? I ask myself. Why are people starting a war on other people, on the children and people who don’t deserve to die like that? This is a sacred, holy time and why? Okay, that kid who did the shooting took, and excuse again the language, the chickenshit way out if he was having problems – he took the coward’s way. Dude, (I know he’s dead but) seriously GET SOME HELP, there’s no crime in that, there’s no shame. People who want to or hurt other people need to know this. We need to keep ourselves aware to what is going on & take the good path all we can.

    Thank you Kim for this post on this day.

  • Reply
    Beverly Diehl
    December 19, 2012 at 9:49 am

    He TRIED to wipe her out, to keep her for himself and not share her with anyone, ever again… but he failed.

    FAILED, with a colossal F.

    Kay’s beauty, her spirit, her message – is louder and stronger and more powerful than ever.

    And he can never take away her love for you, or anyone else. Kay will always be with you, and ironically, in the hearts of more people than ever knew her in life.
    Beverly Diehl recently posted..The Real Nightmare Before ChristmasMy Profile

  • Reply
    Pamela
    December 19, 2012 at 11:10 am

    What an amazing beautiful tree and tribute. Your love for her is a beautiful thing.
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  • Reply
    Lady Jennie
    December 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    It’s my first time here – visiting from Anna and Jessica. My brother committed suicide nearly 20 years ago. The hurt is less after all this time and other griefs have taken its place in freshness, but it hurts all the same. I love what you guys are doing.
    Lady Jennie recently posted..BereftMy Profile

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    December 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Oh Kim. Hurting for you, hurting with you. In awe of your courage and compassion. You are one truly special woman – and the way you care about others, and reach out to them despite your own vile, gut-wrenching pain, proves it.
    I hope that flashes of beauty continue to come into your life. I don’t believe we ever ‘get over a loss’, we just need to find ways of living with it. And still, somedays, it will dig its bony fingers into our eyes and hearts.

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    December 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    I love how you decorate the tree at the cemetery in her honor. What a beautiful thing to do.
    Sandy Webb recently posted..Yard WorkMy Profile

  • Reply
    Amy@SoulDipper
    December 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Now there’s a Christmas Tree! Beyond any doubt, the Kay you’ve introduced to me would laugh with joyful delight and abandon over your Random Act of Great Love!

    Thank you for the list of those grieving over Christmas…I’ve connected my friend to the mom’s link. I know she will feel some comfort.

    Many blessings this Christmas for all your loved ones and you. And, yes, Kay is in that blessing too!
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  • Reply
    Red Dwyer
    December 19, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    The shoes are fabulous and so perfect. Your love for Kay oozes from all you do like an effervescent, pink brook.

    For my tiniest angel: http://mommasmoneymatters.com/poetry-leaving/

    For my husband: http://mommasmoneymatters.com/wbh-talk-music/ You do this.

    Just one until the book comes out in two weeks. I step-by-step my way through that.

    Much love and many blessing, Kimmy. I love you.
    xxx
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  • Reply
    Debi Pasricha
    December 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Every time you write about your dear sis, you reveal more and more of the tragedy that you have been living through. And with each new reveal, the depths and beauty of your love for her are shared with us. It is a gift you keep on giving. Xx
    Debi Pasricha recently posted..Font MattersMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kathy
    December 19, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    Oh, Kim, your words always leave me wordless–you say so much, so beautifully, it seems there’s no way to say more. Or maybe I’m afraid the response will sound trite. Whatever the case, the tree for your sister is so stunning–bare branches against blue sky—so like Kay’s story!
    Hugs,
    Kathy
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  • Reply
    Jessica
    December 19, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    Oh this post conveys your pain so strongly I hardly know what to say. I am so sorry your sister is not here with you and will never understand why anyone is taken from us long before they have lived their life. I love her tree and can’t thank you enough for doing this with us. xo
    Jessica recently posted..Remembering togetherMy Profile

  • Reply
    San Diego Momma (Deb)
    December 19, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    God, this is beautiful and raw and honest.

    I remember wanting to know everything about how my mom died and ordered the doctor’s records and all of it. I needed to know the mechanics of how and why AND FUCKING WHY.

    And the preparations: pine or mahogany?

    Flowers? Where should they go?

    And the after-funeral at our house: The people drinking (including me) and numbing and not remembering how I thought we should.

    All love to you. Our loves lost are lost and there’s not getting around it, so let’s SHOUT ABOUT IT.

    XO
    San Diego Momma (Deb) recently posted..The SignMy Profile

  • Reply
    Carrie
    December 20, 2012 at 12:35 am

    I have no words to express the emotions your writing brings up on me. Your strength and honesty has helped me more than you know in the last year and I have referred many people here because your story must be heard around the world.

    Those families have not left my mind since I heard what happened; I m still in disbelief any onehat heartless and cruel.

    God bless you and your family thus Christmas!
    Hugs from Vancouver, BC Canada
    Carrie

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    December 20, 2012 at 4:19 am

    Maybe you’re not living in spite of her, maybe you’re living for her. For her joy, her memory.
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  • Reply
    jen
    December 20, 2012 at 5:27 am

    Her tree is awesome and original and amazing just like the love that you have for each other! Sending love, prayers and blessings to you and your family. Merry Christmas sweet lady.
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  • Reply
    ladyfi
    December 20, 2012 at 7:47 am

    This brought tears to my eyes.
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  • Reply
    Lafemmeroar
    December 20, 2012 at 8:26 am

    I truly love the way you honor your sister’s life and memory. You’re a wonderful woman and you keep on keeping on despite it all. You’re strong and sincere. I’m glad I connected with you. Be well …
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  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    December 20, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Kim, never stop telling your story, and Kay’s story. Never stop shouting it. In the current and upcoming debates about gun control, it will be voices like yours–from heartbroken survivors of gun violence (“Blackness sets in”) that are going to make the BIG difference. Your words matter–SO MUCH!!!!! I love Kay’s tree!
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  • Reply
    Brenda
    December 20, 2012 at 9:05 am

    I wish you peace this year, Kim. May the angels watch over you.
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  • Reply
    Barbara
    December 20, 2012 at 9:07 am

    This is truly beautiful Kim. I can only imagine the pain that comes during this season. Your tree is just stunningly beautiful and I know she smiles down on it and you.

    Ending domestic violence is my primary charitable cause. This year I donated to Women Against Domestic Violence in the name of my friend Molly Rothgary. I will never forget getting the news. We were in Baltimore for my son and daughter-in-law’s baby shower. Our mutual friend Michele had come down from Philly as well. It was a beautiful celebration of life. Then on the drive home I got a call from Michele. She said, “You aren’t driving are you?” I said, “no why?” Then the words came as if in slow motion and I was stunned and silent.

    “Mike killed Molly then shot himself.”

    He had taken their two beautiful daughters to his sister’s house. They were 4 and 7. Clearly his sick mind had thought this all out.
    She had given up her career here in Philly to move to Cleveland for his. It took a while for her friends in Philly to put our own memorial together for her. I wrote about it here: http://www.zeroto60andbeyond.com/?p=565

    My thoughts are with you and all those who’s lives have been forever changed because of domestic violence.
    xob
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  • Reply
    anna see
    December 20, 2012 at 9:23 am

    I am so very, very sorry Kim.
    anna see recently posted..Hugs for the HolidaysMy Profile

  • Reply
    Dad
    December 20, 2012 at 11:05 am

    I pray for all the vicitoms of the useless killings at New Town CT. (Sandy Hook) School. How Horrific.
    I know how we miss Kay, especially this time of the year———- She loved Christmas so much.
    I Love You So Much Kim
    Dad

  • Reply
    Laci
    December 20, 2012 at 11:16 am

    Beautiful. Just like you and just like Kay. Beautiful. Sending you many hugs!
    Laci recently posted..12.14.12My Profile

  • Reply
    adrianairis
    December 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    I love Neruda and I love you…
    May your holiday be peaceful.
    Know you are beautiful and
    amazing.

    From your friend in the South…
    ~A
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  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    December 20, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    As always Kim, you break my heart. Kay’s story touches us all, reminds us all there is more to do. Each time I see her tree I glance at my window to check my own exactly the same wind chime and think, “I wonder does she hear both and laugh?”

    We go on Kim, we survivors we go on. We have to because we have to tell the stories. If not us, then who? If we don’t get off our knees and speak our pain, our grief, our fury; then who will? If we don’t rage at the sky, then who will? If we don’t beg for relief from the pain of silence, then who will?

    As always Kim, I am here. Here is my shoulder, weep on it if you need it is strong and it is yours. I will weep with you.

    Hugs

    Val

    XXXXX

  • Reply
    julie
    December 20, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Beautifully written. My brother was also murdered. I don’t see a place to link for this but here is what I wrote for him yesterday: http://www.ilikebeerandbabies.com/2012/12/how-to-help.html
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  • Reply
    Girl with a New Life
    December 20, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    What can I say? Except to send more love your way.

    And hope.

    And joy.
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  • Reply
    Monica
    December 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    So hauntingly sad, Kim. Though you offer hope at the end when you say, “Sometimes I actually believe I’ll be able to live without you.” Find the beauty around you, in those who are with you. I do believe that Kay is with you too. Bless you, my friend, and hope you have a warm holiday season.

  • Reply
    Solid gold creativity
    December 20, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Your writing is going to another level, Kim.

    “I faced darkness directly in the face” … your courage and authenticity are extraordinary. Thank you for making it possible in the world. All my love and gratitude at Christmas, Narelle xxx
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  • Reply
    Mrs4444
    December 20, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    Thank you for sharing this raw, aching piece of your heart. I’m so sorry your sister, your friend, your life was taken so wrongly.

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    December 21, 2012 at 12:01 am

    I absolutely adore Kay’s Christmas Tree. I really wish I was able to send you the exquisite shoe ornaments I found last month – they would look perfect in Kay’s Tree.
    I can never listen to or sing Amazing Grace without crying – such an incredibly powerful Hymn.
    Love, love, love from a sunny South Africa to you and your family darling Kim.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
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  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    December 21, 2012 at 4:55 am

    Kim, I got goosebumps reading your words. You write with such honest intensity. Thank you and we love you xxx
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  • Reply
    Hugs for the Holidays: Dealing with Loss of a Spouse | GFunkified
    December 21, 2012 at 7:40 am

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  • Reply
    Terri Sonoda
    December 23, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Kay’s tree is beautiful! What a wonderful thing you did. You never cease to amaze me and you always warm my heart. Merry Christmas my lovely friend! XOXOs
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  • Reply
    Joe Cardillo
    December 23, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Have read this a couple times already…not much to add to others except I hear ya and saying some prayers for there to be more love in the world today than yesterday.

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    December 23, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    Merry Christmas!
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  • Reply
    pete
    December 24, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Happy holidays! My dear friend, I have been out of control working, but will be back full time in the new year. Peace!

  • Reply
    Pat Scattergood
    December 25, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    You are Kay’s beautiful sister. Grace and peace.
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  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    December 30, 2012 at 12:43 am

    Such a beautiful tribute, Kim. Holding you in my heart with love, hugs, Vidya
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  • Reply
    Carolyn Hughes
    January 6, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Read this and wept.
    A beautiful way to remember a beautiful life.
    Love,
    Carolyn

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