“…and when I lift my head to scream out my fury, a million
stars turn black and die. No one can see them, but they are my tears.”
––N.K.Jemisin, Hundred
Thousand Kingdoms

Dear,  Kay,
Just when I imagine I’m doing well without you, I fall back
to where I was.
Mexican Wedding Cakes,
mom’s sugar cookies,  pine needles,
drifting snow, red bows, the little drummer boy…
…makes me fall back to that place where I realize you’re
really gone.
G  o  n  e.
I fall into the shadows, shade, and shallowness of reality.
I fall to that day when I touch your face of cold marble.
I fall to that day when your hair is spread across white
sheets and your mascara is still wet and black upon your lashes.
I fall to that day when I watch your soul release itself from
your body like a silent whisper.
I fall I fall I fall
I miss the smallest things about you, dear.
For example, the way you cleared your throat before you
spoke.
The way you smiled at me from the car window when we’d meet
on Waterfront Trail.
The way you’d snort and grunt beautifully ladylike when you
laughed.
The way you kissed every single dog on the mouth leaving a
dark pink stain on the fur.
I never loved anybody as much as I loved you.   Never.
You are the root of my root.
The heart of my heart.
You are my secret keeper.
My muse.  My breath.
Still.
Always.
Sometimes I fall…
into that place where our hair is blowing wildly out of your
blue sports car  and we are blasting Lady
Antebellum at full volume singing the lyrics of “I Need You Now
Sometimes I fall…
into that place where we are baking Christmas cookies,
drinking cappuccino, & giggling about everything or nothing at all.
Sometimes I fall…
into the arms of God.
And he lifts me back up until I fall all over again.
My Sister Kay (right)  was Murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  The sun darkened.  This photo taken Christmas 2009.
~~~~~My darling readers, I know that Christmas can be an incredibly
difficult time for many of you.  Believe
me, it is for my family.

On Wednesday, December 19th Four Plus An Angel and others will
have multiple link-ups on the sites below, where you can comment and/or link up
according to the type of loss with which you are dealing with.

Sometimes knowing others understand (just a little) feels
like a warm hug inside.
hugs for the holidays
Love  Love  Love
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