I Fall

“…and when I lift my head to scream out my fury, a million
stars turn black and die. No one can see them, but they are my tears.”
––N.K.Jemisin, Hundred
Thousand Kingdoms

Dear,  Kay,
Just when I imagine I’m doing well without you, I fall back
to where I was.
Mexican Wedding Cakes,
mom’s sugar cookies,  pine needles,
drifting snow, red bows, the little drummer boy…
…makes me fall back to that place where I realize you’re
really gone.
G  o  n  e.
I fall into the shadows, shade, and shallowness of reality.
I fall to that day when I touch your face of cold marble.
I fall to that day when your hair is spread across white
sheets and your mascara is still wet and black upon your lashes.
I fall to that day when I watch your soul release itself from
your body like a silent whisper.
I fall I fall I fall
I miss the smallest things about you, dear.
For example, the way you cleared your throat before you
spoke.
The way you smiled at me from the car window when we’d meet
on Waterfront Trail.
The way you’d snort and grunt beautifully ladylike when you
laughed.
The way you kissed every single dog on the mouth leaving a
dark pink stain on the fur.
I never loved anybody as much as I loved you.   Never.
You are the root of my root.
The heart of my heart.
You are my secret keeper.
My muse.  My breath.
Still.
Always.
Sometimes I fall…
into that place where our hair is blowing wildly out of your
blue sports car  and we are blasting Lady
Antebellum at full volume singing the lyrics of “I Need You Now
Sometimes I fall…
into that place where we are baking Christmas cookies,
drinking cappuccino, & giggling about everything or nothing at all.
Sometimes I fall…
into the arms of God.
And he lifts me back up until I fall all over again.
My Sister Kay (right)  was Murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  The sun darkened.  This photo taken Christmas 2009.
~~~~~My darling readers, I know that Christmas can be an incredibly
difficult time for many of you.  Believe
me, it is for my family.

On Wednesday, December 19th Four Plus An Angel and others will
have multiple link-ups on the sites below, where you can comment and/or link up
according to the type of loss with which you are dealing with.

Sometimes knowing others understand (just a little) feels
like a warm hug inside.
hugs for the holidays
Love  Love  Love
In Memory of Kay

108 comments

  1. Laci says:

    Sending you many hugs! Sending more thoughts and even more prayers to you and your family. Goodness, I wish that I could take the pain away from you. That I could make it all better for you. I wish…

    I love that song. Sometimes when I hear it I think of my mom’s parents and just wish that they were still with us. They were the grandparents that everyone should have, and the only grandparents that loved me growing up and were taken away from this world too soon.
    Laci recently posted..Broke In For CharityMy Profile

  2. Vidya Sury says:

    Kim, dearest Kim! Every festival – and we have so many in India – is a time for tears, and will be, for as long as I live, missing my Mom. I know how you feel about Kay, because I hurt that way too. “Sometimes I fall into the arms of God. And he lifts me back up until I fall all over again.” – So beautiful, I actually felt it. Every little thing I do, I think of my Mom, her smile, her nudges, her jokes, her laughter, and most of all, her hugs and her loving energy.

    I know how you feel and I feel with you. I feel the intensity in your words – they squeeze my heart so! Thank you for helping me express myself, inside my heart.
    Thank you for the link up details. I think I will.

    I love you Kim, more than eight black panthers relaxing in the African sunshine.

    Hugs hugs to you.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..What A Break!My Profile

  3. Omygoodness, just seeing these other sites, these links to other people’s hearts, it so overwhelming. It’s so amazing that the support is here.
    My sister lives in Pakistan and every Christmas I am painful for her. I’m lonely for her help decorating the tree and baking cookies and making green bean casserole. it’s not the same. Christmas is empty without her here.
    But it is fucking maddening that Kim isn’t here. When I read your blog I get mad. I just get mad. It’s so wrong. I miss her, too and I never even met her. Oh, I prayed for you this week! I prayed for God to send His angels’ wings to surround you. I’m sending you love.
    Wild Child Mama recently posted..Crafting? Or Hoarding?My Profile

  4. Nicole says:

    I love you, Kim.

    It’s all I can offer, as I will never fully know your pain.

    I want to say all of the things that don’t help, because I don’t know what else to say. I do know, however, that NOT saying them is the bigger help. Just know there is a hug from New Orleans floating on the air to you…use it as much as you need to this holiday season.

    Wishing you at least a little joy,
    Nicole
    Nicole recently posted..Help Your Self: Holiday Care and Feeding Your Marriage | Marriage and the HolidaysMy Profile

  5. Sweet, sweet post my friend. You have such a talent for writing. Your pain makes me ache to give you a big hug. I’m a HUGE hugger. I would totally smother you with one in real life should we ever meet.

    Have a great week! xoxo

  6. Monica says:

    Beautiful post. Reads like a poem. I lost both my parents long ago, but I was close to my mother and it hurts. She died young but got early onset Alzheimers before that, back when the only way to diagnose it was through an autopsy. And there were no meds for it. I watched her whither away, lose her mind and there was nothing I could do. I lost her way before she died and it caused me great pain. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to be an orphan.

    By the time she died it was a relief and a blessing. She was only getting worse with each passing day and there was no cure for it. Still no cure, but at least there’s medications you can now take to slow it down. We need a cure. I miss her so. All she ever did was love her kids. Love them, love them love. She knew my son, but she never really knew my daughter. She knew I was pregnant and cried with joy when I told her I was expecting a girl. But by the time she was born, it was already too late. I watched her drift away and it was too late to get her back. I wanted her to still be my mother.

    Thanks Kim, for helping me remember her. For writing this. You’ve inspired me. I may have to join you on Dec 19th, if that’s okay, and write about my mother.
    Monica recently posted..Henry’s Holiday WoesMy Profile

    • —-Monica,
      Oh, I hope you link up the 19th
      Please do.
      Have you read “STILL ALICE?” It is about a woman w/ early onset Alzheimers. I am soooooooo sorry you had to see your mother go thru this HORRIBLE illness.

      Xxx Love
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I FallMy Profile

      • Monica says:

        I so wanted to post on the 19th for this post spoke to me and made me remember. After reading it, I cried for a while remembering my mother. But you know how it is. Life sometimes gets in the way of writing. But maybe soon. Thanks, Kim. You are awesome.
        Monica recently posted..A Christmas RemembranceMy Profile

  7. Oh sweet heart. Hurting for you, hurting with you.

    And how like you it is to reach out to other people who are feeling pain similar to that which you and your family bear every day. You are such a star.

  8. Tara says:

    Oh Kim,

    With every post I read about Kay, I feel as though I know her a little bit more. You’ve managed to do that for me. You’ve brought her back to life in a way, resurrected her through your writing. She will live on forever, because of you.

    There are many wonderful things about this life, but the one part that sucks is death. We’re made out of pure love (by Love), and because we love, we know the sheer agony of loss. The good news is the story doesn’t end there…

    In the meanwhile, we bleed.

    I wish I could heal your heart, but I can’t. Only God can, and I never pretend to know His agenda. We never realize what He’s done to us until we look back, and in our hindsight, see the change. He’s working through you right now, Kim, and I promise your suffering isn’t in vain. There IS a purpose.

    Just look at all your amazing writing, or the hard work you’ve done to shed light on domestic violence. I’m sure you’d give it all up to have Kay back, even for a second. But the beauty is still there, Kim.

    Anyhoo, I’m rambling (you know how I do). Thank you for sharing those links. I’m sure they will help someone in need. You’re always thinking of others, but then, that’s just how God made you. I love you, lady!

    XO Tara
    Tara recently posted..I ConfessMy Profile

  9. Barbara says:

    I’m certain nothing anyone can say will take the hurt away but I’m sure Kay is proud of the community you’ve built here to help so many others who are hurting too. Stay strong sweet Kim. You are here for a reason.
    b
    Barbara recently posted..And The Winner Is…My Profile

  10. Irene says:

    You have such a way of expressing your heart. I wish I had that talent. I’ve never been good at communicating my feelings.
    Christmas is a time of year of reflection which can bring such wonderful memories and sad ones all at the same time.
    It is a time to drown your sorrows in some decadent chocolate chip cookies and a huge ass bottle of wine. That’s how I see it.
    I do think of you and do care! ((((HUGS))))

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Ellen,
      sometimes when I think I’m the only person in the world, I realized that the entire universe is hurting hurting hurting…

      Xxx Love.

  11. One of my best friends whose gorgeous daughter of 23 years was killed in a car accident 2 yrs ago told me something so sweet. She’s now strong enough, she said, that she’s going to reserve a special time and space in which to share a piece of Christmas with her daughter. She told me there are now times she feels an incredibly deep closeness to her daughter and that’s all she wants for Christmas. Even a moment will do, she said.

    Much love to you, Gentle, Loving Kim.
    Amy@SoulDipper recently posted..Free to FlyMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Yes, Amy!

      My family meets up at the cemetery Christmas Eve for a candle lit prayer.

      Kay was there in the midst of us Xxxxx Always.

  12. Hilary says:

    Kim, every time i read one of your posts I wish I could just reach into my computer and give you a big hug. maybe it’s because I am an only child but I am always in awe about your love for your sister. You are so lucky to have had such a wonderful relationship and so unlucky to have had it end so soon and in such a horrible way… I am so sorry… love ya
    Hilary recently posted..Building Castles out of Sand – Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

  13. Kimmy says:

    Kimmy.
    Kay will always be with you heart and soul even though not in body. My heart aches for all of you. Cherish all those beautiful memories. I know she was with us Saturday. I enjoyed it so much. So much love.
    Love u forever and always. K

  14. Sue Williamson says:

    Kim,

    This was a beautiful tribute to Kay and your fight to live on with her, trough her, for her, and yet so without her.

    I love you and am thinking of you and the family always, but especially now.

    Sue

    P.S. I tried to wn Lady Gaga tickets for you this a.m.
    I was up rediculously early when I heard a call in contest for tickets and thought well, surely no one else gets up this early – especially Gaga fans. Alas, it seems many people are up early early and I did not get through. I’ll try again if I get a chance.

  15. stephanie says:

    As always an incredibly moving tribute. All those memories that flood your thoughts when you least expect them to come at you. Yes, this time of year is tough. Thanks for the links to keep the lost loved ones alive.
    stephanie recently posted..TrendsettersMy Profile

  16. Annette says:

    Your posts have opened my mind and eyes to my inner core. I was self medicating so I could be numb. But I knew I had to feel the pain, cry and face the demons that attacked me in my sleep. My abuser may never change. So I have to let my Abba Father cradle me in his arms like a child and wipe my tears. I have to accept that my abuser was a coward. He held me down with shame, humiliation, spiritual abuse and physical abuse. I had the privilege to have a caring man hold my hands yesterday and say; “You are a good woman. A man who loves does not hit or beat down another with words and a fist”.If there was a law against emotional abuse, my abuser should serve life in prison. But there is no such law. He was subject to facing jail because of physical abuse. And I did everything in my power to get him to plead to disorderly conduct. I put his shaming voice messages to a recording device, and forwarded his damning emails to a file and sent them to my attorney. Finally, his attorney saw the demon and persuaded him to reach a plea. After all that, I still grieve and feel sorrow. I had horrible thoughts of him going to jail and getting beat up. 90 days in jail. I hated the thought of that. BUT, I lived in his prison for 1 1/2 years. I think of his daughter every day. Her hugs, the snuggles, her resting on my shoulder as we watched Lion King. His dog Princess who drank me in with her adoring eyes. Oh, and I have something in common with Kay. I kiss dogs too. Then I feel the pinch of reality. I feel hurt/anger when I remember that little girl snapping at me with disrespect because she mocked her father. Can I hold her accountable? She adored her father. When I think of every living being in that household, Princess showed me the most love. I miss the way she would pop her head between my legs and throw me off balance, the way she’d turn to mush and expose her tummy when I told her I loved her. Patting her tummy, kissing her fur, watching her smile, her teeth gently clamping my hand as if to say…you are my favorite human. Yes; a dog showed me nurturing love. His children defended their abusive father and defended his actions. Will I ever get through this grief? How long will it take? I told my counselor I’m afraid of needles. But if I could take a shot to exit this emotional filth I would not bat an eyelash over the largest needle. Why did I have to go through this? Was it so my mom’s neighbor would call me for support after being hit for 18 years? So I could tell her I know how you are feeling? I don’t know. After all this, I don’t want my abuser to face wrath. I WANT HIM TO GET IT!!! But he may never get it. I have my moments of weakness. I want to go back to him. But then I have to read the horrible emails to remind myself that he is sick. I may not feel peace until I’m walking alongside Jesus. Some days I think Kay is the lucky one because she is privileged to do just that. And she is gazing down on us with her loving gentle eyes waiting. She knows we are in pain yet she feels none. She will embrace you when you go to Heaven and her and I will lock eyes and we will not have to speak a word. Finally, peace. There is enough salt in my tears to fill an ocean. Am I getting closer to healing? I hope so. Because the knot in my tummy has been replaced with tears. I can cry, I can be Annette without feeling shame. I can attend Wed eve prayer group without feeling anxious about when I get home to see glaring/accusing eyes from a monster. Because NOW… I come home to my cozy shoe box size safe haven and purring cat. Amen?
    Annette recently posted..I FallMy Profile

    • Annette,
      You LEFT your abuser. I applaude you for that.

      For Kay, it was too late. Much too late…

      VERBAL abuse is the same as a knife..the same as a fist…the same as a gun.

      Kay told me several times, “He crushes my spirit w/ his tongue.”

      Your cozy home. Your purring cat. You have been liberated. You are Free.

      And I say AMEN, Amen.

      Xxx Much Love. Many hugs.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..I FallMy Profile

  17. Debbie says:

    Oh, Kim, this brings tears to my eyes. This month marks the anniversary of two relatives’ deaths, my dad and one of my mom’s sisters. Both passed far too soon, my dad of cancer and my aunt of a massive stroke. In the midst of all the happy holidays — shopping, presents, food-preparation, gathering with loved ones — two of my loved ones are missing. It still hurts. I know you, too, feel that pain. What a sweet photo of you and Kay — keep reminding people to value their loved ones while they have them, okay? Hugs to you!
    Debbie recently posted..I Got SatisfactionMy Profile

  18. Holidays without our loved ones really suck, and more so this year for many. And yet, we don’t want to let go of the joy that our loved ones would WANT us to have. It’s like we’re betraying them if we are happy, and we are betraying them if we’re NOT happy.

    I am coming to accept that it’s a mixed bag o’ feelings, and always will be, and let myself feel what I need to feel when I need to feel it.
    Beverly Diehl recently posted..5 Ways to Survive the Horrible HolidaysMy Profile

  19. Bella says:

    Kim, such beautiful sentiment can only come from someone who has truly loved and lost. I feel your sadness, your yearning, your desperation. You fall, you get up, you fall again. It’s a vicious cycle but one that sadly, is part of life. That said, there is a silver lining. We must search for it but it’s there. And it’s that even when you fall, your loved one catches you. Kay cradles you with her love and covers you with her wings. So you see, even when you fall, you can rest assured that someone will catch you. God is with you forever and ever. He too will protect you and infuse you with strength to carry on. I know the holiday season must be especially hard and so, I shall keep you in my prayers and send you love across the miles. Hugs and kisses from Roxy and me! :)

  20. Mama Mary says:

    I am so sorry your family had to endure such a horrific tragedy. Thank you for joining us and sharing your your beautiful tribute to your sister for the #hugsfortheholidays day. There is so much grief amidst the joy this season that it means the world to many people to read things like this and feel like they’re not alone. Thinking of you this holiday season!
    Mama Mary recently posted..this is 40, for realMy Profile

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