**“**Help” is a
prayer that is always answered. It doesn’t matter how you pray–with your head
bowed in silence, or crying out in grief, or dancing. Churches are good for
prayer, but so are garages and cars and mountains and showers and dance floors.*****Annie Lamott, Thoughts on Faith
~It’s been 828 days
since your execution.
A moment in time.
It’s been HELL on
earth if you want the whole damn truth.
I don’t remember the
first 730 days.
Not thru the fog, the
wine, the weeping.
I’ve never lied to you. I shant begin now.
My heart is shattered.
My soul is crushed.
I walk the earth in
Half a segment here.
The mind over
My organs weep for
you, lament for you, miss you.
But I suppose you
already know that, don’t you? You know
how I utterly despise any sort of change.
Especially my new
reality with you
gone gone gone gone fucking gone.
GONE. What a heartbreaking, dark, sad, pathetic, pitiful
Anyhow, I’ve been thinking about how we used to pray
another’s hand, closing our eyes as if
Thank You. Thank you.”
I remember staring
at your fingers exclaiming, “They’re Gigantic!”
And you’d get quite
irritated- as sister’s do…. “They’re big boned.
NOT Gigantic! Now shut your mouth and pray.”
Thank you for Kay. I love love
love her. I couldn’t live without her. I pray you have great plans for her
future. I pray Mike will leave her
alone. I pray he will just leave. Just leave. Just leave. I pray all of her dreams will come true. Thank you. Thank you. AaaaMEN.”
thank you for Kim. I pray she
will write a book and dedicate it to her gorgeous sister.”
“Be seeeerious.” I giggle & snort.
“Okay. I pray You
will use her writing for Your glory. I
pray you will soften Mike’s heart so he can be happy. I mean, really really
happy without me. Thank you. AaaaMEN.”
That’s how it used
to be. Our praying, I mean. We didn’t ask for much. Did we?
Not much…except for
happiness, joy, contentment.
That’s why I continually
contemplate why I’m here without you, stuck on this earth without you.
execution, I wandered aimlessly holding my hand to my heart.
I asked Dave over and over and over again…
“How can my heart hurt so much and still
beats. I find that absolutely fantastically astonishing.
When I pray
now, I simply say to God, shout to
God, cry to God….
“Help me. Help me.
And sometimes from
a distance, thru the tears, the wind, the black fangs, the loneliness—
I hear Him calling my name—”Kim. Kim. Kim”—like a little
And I know, sometimes I know….
everything is going to be okay.
Reader, How Do You Pray? I play THIS!
~~~~Get Help NOW for Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Finacial Abuse- or any other kinds of abuse…..800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ Do Not Wait One. More. Solitary. Day.