In Memory of Kay Kim's Blogs

Incident at the Grocery Store


—Since my sister’s murder,
my sensitivity thermometer has been sharply & acutely  heightened.


I mean, if it used to
be a 10, it is now 10 x 10.   You


So, when people utter  ignorant things because they don’t know what
else to say, that thermometer rises like hot red lava.


For example, a few weeks ago I’m talking to this person and
she says something like this:


“I can really identify
with what you’re going through, Kim.
I quite smoking a few months ago and I think of that cigarette every


I wanted to yell,  “My
sister is not a fucking cigarette, you stupid stupid stupid person!”


Yeah, I wanted to, but I didn’t.


I just write about
it.  Here.  Now.


Which brings me to yesterday at the grocery store.


I’m walking down the cereal isle and I see this familiar woman.


Shit.   Damn.   Poop.


She asks,  “Are you


I reply,  “Yes. I am.”


“Do you remember me?”


“Oh, yes. I do.”  I


I kind of
remember.  Was she from church, school…?


“I can’t believe what happened to Kay.  We were supposed to go for lunch.  I gave her
my number, but we never got together.
And then….”  she laughs an
uncomfortable laugh.


“I’m sorry, I don’t what to talk about this right now.”  I say nicely.


I grab a cheerio box,  pretend I’m reading the label.


Carbs,  Sugars.
Salt.  Calories.   Who really
gives a shit.


“I wish I would have called her for lunch. Are you doing
better? I can’t believe it.  I just can’t
believe it.  I was…”


Heat.   Anxiety.  Angst.

rises from my toes to
the top of my head like heated flashes.


“I’m not talking about Kay right now, okay?”  I repeat.


I lay the cheerios inside my cart and begin walking down the
isle, which seems like an extended plank into nowhere.


She follows me.


Go awaaay.  Get  away from me.
Leave me alone.  Go  Go  Go
go go go


Then I feel a startling whisper of breath inside the right
side of my ear.


“When he murdered her I….”


I turn quickly now– look her strait in the face now.


I try desperately to
be rational, considerate, kind.


But that has all passed now.


“I.  Am. Not.
Talking.  About.  Thiiiis.”


I articulate the words deliberately,  slowly,
clearly, loudly so she understands.

She has to understand I can’t talk about this.  Not here.
Not now.  Never with her.


What else could I possibly do…except

walk away.


I neglect the rest of the isles.  My milk drops to the floor.  I don’t pick it back up.


I walk swiftly to the check out lane.


When I get home,  Mr.
Liverpool says– “Wow, we must not have needed much food this week, huh?”


I put down  my grocery
bags, sit on the couch,  & tell him
the whole sad story.


—–Dear Reader,  how
do you respond in uncomfortable situations?
Have you had a similar situation like mine?

My sister & soul-mate, Kay, was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  The sun shines so much differently now.   Mourning is only born, but never dies…

~~~~Get Help  NOW for Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse,  Physical Abuse, Finacial Abuse- or any other kinds of abuse…..800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224. Do  Not  Wait   One.  More.  Day.



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  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Oh my love. She crossed a line.
    Sometimes other peoples perception its so so skewed…
    I would have probably dropped the milk… on her head.
    Adriana recently posted..‘Cause I am easy…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:04 am

      –On her head!

      funny. but i have a feeling she still wouldn’t have gotten it. Xxx Kiss

  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

    People are just stupid and never really put themsleves in another person’s shoes.
    that woman should have stayed quiet and just passed on by.
    I know when My aunt’s sister, Katy, was murdered it felt like people wanted to touch me as a way to undersand what it feels like when one has no privacy because of a murder, It was a little creepy.
    your words will educate people. xxxx elizabeth
    elizabeth recently posted..This is the one time that the right and the left can work togetherMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:06 am

      yes…a simple “I’m sorry about Kay.” That’s all. People like her annoy me to the tipping point.

      BUT…I did not tip! XXx Love.

  • Reply
    Cheryl Lewis
    August 21, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Next time, open the milk carton, right there in the aisle, and pour. it. over. her. head.

    The end.

    Unless you want to add Cheerios.

    Love you girl,
    Cheryl Lewis recently posted..The Greatest of These is LoveMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:06 am

      What a lovely ending, Cheryl.

      thanks for the 🙂 Love. Xxxx

    • Reply
      Kathleen Basi
      August 25, 2012 at 5:04 pm

      I like Cheryl’s solution. Since she obviously wasn’t getting the message any other way!

      I can’t begin to understand where you are. My only reaction is that we have to teach the next generation to empathize with people and recognize when it’s time to shut up.

      • Reply
        Kim Sisto-Robinson
        August 26, 2012 at 7:54 am

        P e r f e c t l y
        expressed, Kathleen <3

  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Thank God for writing. What would we do if we couldn’t/didn’t write?
    Liz recently posted..Augusta Golf Club, Home to Masters Tournament, Admits First Women MembersMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:09 am

      quite seriously,
      without writing, words, poetry, books…

      I would DEF. be in a funny farm.

      But damn it, I’d be writing in the funny farm, too!

      No doubt.

      Xx xx

  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Well, I can say that when my brother was killed, I felt the opposite a lot of times. I mean, I would run into people who didn’t know what to say. . .so, they said nothing. It took me a long time to not direct my anger at those people. I wanted to grab the, shake them, scream at them and say “I HAD A BROTHER. HIS NAME IS JAMES. HE IS DEAD BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE’S STUPID BEHAVIOR. ACKNOWLEDGE HIM. SAY HIS NAME. SAY THAT HE LIVED. ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, DAMN IT!” As the minutes passed in polite conversation, always avoiding the topic, always wanting to thrash and scream. It took me one hundred years before I realized that I wasn’t angry at them for not acknowleding him. Just as there is no one there to teach us how to deal with our own grief, there isn’t anyone there to teach people how to share or console others in their time of grief. It took me an age before I realized that I was angry solely because he’d been taken from me. I was angry at the guy who took his life. I was angry at circumstance and the human condition. But I grew to be very forgiving of people who didn’t know what to say; people who were afraid to acknowledge James’ life and death and people who wanted to talk about it a little too much.

    There are SO MANY facets to our growth and to our life after someone we’re so connected to leaves this earth. Each person’s lessons in navigating our feelings after the death of our loved ones are so deeply, deeply individual. I hope, that one day, you can get to a place where you can look someone in the face and say “I appreciate that you want to acknowledge my sister and I am so sorry that you’re feeling the loss of her presene. But I am feeling to much pain to discuss this right now. Thank you for your compassion and for your interest, but please, please allow me to grocery shop in peace. I cannot handle this right now.” There is NOTHING wrong with asserting yourself (which you did), and there is nothing wrong with asserting yourself in a stronger fashion should that person ignore your warnings (which she did).

    These days, when an uncomfortable situation arises, especially about James, I breathe deep and find a gentle, but compassionate way to assert whatever it is that I’m feeling at the moment. I also try to recognize the pain in the other person. Do I owe that to them? No. Do I expect that their pain or interest is greater or runs more deeply than mine? Of course not. But I don’t have anything to prove. They obviously want to share something about my brother that they feel compelled to share with me. If it lightens their burnden, then I want to be there for them. (If, on the other hand, they just want to be creepy and be weird and gossipy, I can pretty much tell and I shut it down.) I wasn’t the only person who life has a hole in it where James used to be. I try to acknowledge that regardless of how much or how little that person may feel his loss.

    But that’s just me – and I’m about a fucking decade ahead of you in this whole trial. It is never ending – the learning how to live with this. Never ending. But still. . .all the pain is worth having had him in my life. Of course I wish he was still here. I miss him every day. Every day. But I love him every day, too. And I do my best to honor the love instead of the pain. It DOES NOT always work and I AM NOT always successful. But I just keep trying.

    Ugh. . .too much keyboard time again. Sorry, Kimbo darling. Love you. xoxo

    • Reply
      Juanita Whitebird
      August 21, 2012 at 1:18 pm

      @ Amy – such words of wisdom; Kim – your pain is yours to share or not to share..that other person was beyond your boundaries..sometimes the greatest thing we can do is to say nothing. Take Care Juanita

      • Reply
        Kim Sisto-Robinson
        August 22, 2012 at 11:24 am

        Thank you, Juanita <3 Xxx

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:24 am

      Oooooh, Amy, I AM NOT THERE. Perhaps, I never will be …

      I feel like the big sister protecting Kay even now. I hold her tightly, tightly.

      I cannot even comprehend somebody else’s pain (except my family & her boys)

      I carry so much of it myself that I cannot carry somebody elses.

      No. No. No.

      Every word. Every memory. Somebody laughing at an inappropriate time. Somebody feeling sorry for the murderer. Somebody asking about the murder. Somebody comparing Kay to a fucking cigarrette or telling me time will heal. I dont’ want to hear that shit. Or Somebody asking me why she did not leave the marriage… Etc….

      No. I’m not there.

      But I do want people to acknowledge it. It must be acknowledged…and if I want to talk more about it, I shall.

      I have my special people I cry with, scream with, swear with, pray with…

      but nobody has the right to come up to me and talk about her murder.


      I love you, Amy. I so much appreciated where you are in your mourning. You have ALWAYS inspired me. Xxxxx Always.

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    August 21, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Some people are just too insensitive.

    Hugs! And congrats – you’re the winner of my T shirt give-away!
    Lady Fi recently posted..Dino-miteMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:25 am

      Cant’ wait to get my T-Shirt <3 Thanks- Lady Fi Xx

  • Reply
    Pam Hogeweide
    August 21, 2012 at 11:54 am

    I lost it in the produce aisle when a well meaning neighbor glibly told me “God has his reasons” in her attempt to comfort me over the deaths of a close friend and her toddler in a head on collision. She tried to deescalate me by following up with “They’re in a better place now.”

    I did manage to restrain a great big F*ck You with your better place and instead told her, Bullsh*t.

    Death disinhibited me from rejecting platitudes from passer-byers who just had to say something. A hug would have been better.

    I have much more to write, reflect and say on this. I’ll leave it there.


    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:27 am

      A HUG!

      Perfect. Absoultey PERFECT.

      That’s is ENOUGH.

      Love flowing to you, Pam.

  • Reply
    Ellen M. Gregg
    August 21, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Good God. She was so wrapped up in her own “wonder-ifs,” she couldn’t hear what you were saying.

    You gave her more opportunity than I would have to leave you alone. After the first statement, I would have been out of there. xoxo

    • Reply
      Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever
      August 22, 2012 at 3:14 am

      This is what I was going to say. Some people are so caught up in their own “needs” to confess. It is so selfish. So sorry, honey! From the bottom of my heart!
      Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever recently posted..Neediness AnxietyMy Profile

      • Reply
        Kim Sisto-Robinson
        August 22, 2012 at 11:30 am

        I love your heart. Xx

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:29 am

      She is not the only person I have done this to…


      He had asked how Kay died…I told him I wasn’t talking about it.

      YES, in the grocery store,too.

      I told him I was calling security.


  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Wow…someone people just don’t know when enough is enough…even after you told her so.
    thoughtsappear recently posted..How To Buy a Swimsuit…Or Get Felt UpMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:31 am


      she was thinking about herself, Thoughts. Xxx

  • Reply
    Choc Chip Uru
    August 21, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Oh god my friend, I am so sorry you had to go through this – some people, many people do not know where to stop and keep pushing limits!
    In an uncomfortable situation such as yours, I would simply tell her straight to talk of other things if she wished to catch up!

    You deserve much more when you go shopping!

    Choc Chip Uru recently posted..The 40 Hour FamineMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

      Dear Choc,
      I shop 30 miles away just so I don’t see people I know!

      A girl needs some peace once in a while.

  • Reply
    Linda Medrano
    August 21, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    An engineer I worked with got word that his brother had committed suicide. He sat in the office stunned and tried to continue his work. I went to him and put my arms around him and told him I was very sorry about his brother’s death. Then I told him to go home because his family needed him.

    I arranged for his flight to Missouri and charged it to the company (with the approval of the president). The man came to me later and said that he really appreciated what I had done. (Other co-workers were afraid to approach him.)

    I think an honest expression of sorrow is never wrong. But don’t expect someone to “want to talk about it”. I’m sorry this woman was such a clueless person. And I’m very sorry this was so damaging to you, Kim.
    Linda Medrano recently posted..Fake SmilesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:37 am

      what you did was
      Beautiful. Perfect. Appropriate.
      I’ve had people come up and only hug me VERY tightly. Not say a word.
      Another friend simply said “I am here to mourn with you.” Other
      said “I love you.”

      I LOVE what you did. I love it.

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    August 21, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    I have just let out a loud scream for you my darling Kim!
    🙂 Mandy xo
    Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..Sticky Chicken WingsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:38 am

      part of South Africa (YOU) is in my heart. <3

  • Reply
    Michael Ann
    August 21, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    I think when someone else crosses a boundary (that you VERY clearly stated) then all bets are off. I tend to chide myself for being upset with someone in a situation like this, when really it was their rudeness that created the situation. I do tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, whether I should or not. I might have said, “I appreciate your acknowledging my sister, thank you. But I really do not want to talk about this right now. See you later,” and walk away. The cigarette thing was way BEYOND stupid though. I might have punched her.
    Michael Ann recently posted..Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Bundt CakeMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

      ~~~Michael Ann,
      Beautiful, perfectly expressed. Thank you for understanding.

      The cigarette wasn’t the worst thing.

      Somebody told me, “Kim, how would you fill the void of your sister if she were in China?”

      I am not kidding you.

      I said, “OH GOD, I wish she were in China.” But I really wanted to say “FUCK YOU”

      Xxx Kiss

  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Kim, you handled it with class and dignity. Some people feel like a celebrity because they knew someone that had a tragedy happen. I am sure she has gotten alot of mileage out of almost having lunch with Kay
    This woman obviously felt somehow special and “connected” to the tragic death of your sister because she *almost* had lunch with her. Now she can tell friends she *almost* talked with you about it.

    She wasn’t speaking to you out of any kind of concern for you or for Kay, she was wanting, what? i don’t even know, to be able to say she talked to you and share her grief over how torn up you were?

    Twice I have grieved the loss of a loved one and the best thing anyone said to me was “I am so sorry to her about your brother” and gave me a hug and didn’t let go right away, just gave me the most heartfelt hug I’d ever had. The other things that always felt good was when someone would come up and relate how he had impacted their life in some positive way.


    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:43 am

      I loved your comment.

      Beautifully said.

      Thank you so much. Xx

  • Reply
    michelle canan
    August 21, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    some people are ignorant and in my opinion a good swift kick in the ass or slap on the face is what they need…I know your heart is broken and will never mend,. anyone who knew your dear sister knew love and peace…that was dear Kay

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:44 am


      *** Love and Peace. ****

      b e a u t i f u l
      & true.

      thank you Xxx

  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Some people are just F’d up KIm.

    My therapist told us after the kids died to think up a general response….you know one that can be said to just about anyone in a difficult situation or when you don’t want to talk about it. For us our situation was: either people who didn’t know Gretchen & Eric had been killed in the accident and asked how they were or the general question..”how many kids do you have, so what do they do?” so we did…

    I guess what I think I just would have told her or someone like her this…(and it important that you cut the person off from saying anything…the point is to make them shut-up right after they say her name…

    ” if/since you knew what a special person my sister Kay was, then you’ll understand why its so difficult for me to speak about her so soon after her death. But thank you SO much for remembering her to me, you’re very kind. ” it is also important at this point to add as much sincerity or sarcasm as each situation requires.

    I know this is hard Kim. I remember wanting to just crawl under a rock after every encounter like the one you just had. I promise people like her will go back into the woodwork eventually.
    jen recently posted..Grandma is on the job…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

      you inspire me to go forward….even when I don’t want to.

      Xxx Thank you. How do you survive everyday?

  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Rather horrified she followed you, but then again, I suspect she wanted to take away your pain, as if her words could. I believe the best in people, always. I know that’s naive of me, and hope she had your best intentions in her mind, but then again, some people are clumsy around hurt. No one, not one of us here who visit your site, know your story through your words, would ever presume to know your heart, my sweet. The most we can do is honor your sister’s memory and be here when a stranger clumsily tramples over your heart, be it virtually.
    Brenda recently posted..Is Anybody Home?My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:57 am

      I don’t think she was interested in me…

      she was interested in what happened to Kay.

      I see the best in people, too, or at least I try to, but when I’ve had enough…I’ve had enough.

      Xx Love.

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    August 21, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Oh Kim. Each time I open one of your posts I think ‘this time I am not going to cry’. Each time I am wrong.
    I am so sorry that the woman put her needs/wants in front of yours and AMAZED at the class and dignity you showed. I am pretty certain that I would not have been so restrained.
    I am a firm believer in giving people another chance, but she had three chances (which is two too many) and blew them all.
    So happy that Mr Liverpool was home so that you could vent a little. And as. for the woman who compared losing the love of your life to losing cigarettes? My goodness she has a sad life, having nothing/nobody she loves more than nicotine.
    Hurting for you. Hurting with you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:58 am

      Dear E,
      Mr. Liverpool hears A LOT! Believe me.

      Sending you kisses Right Now. Xx

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    August 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Aw, Kim, I’m sorry you had to go through this pain when all you wanted to do was to buy some groceries IN PEACE. Why didn’t she get it???? Why that stalking behavior? (I hope poor Mr. Liverpool doesn’t starve this week…) Sending kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:59 am

      no need to worry about Mr. Liverpool.

      He get WELL fed around here!!

      How are you, dear Jann? Xxx

  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    We, strangers, are never prepared for what to say in situations like this. It’s better to just smile and say, “I’m so very sorry for…” than to persist in trying to find the words when you can clearly see they’re not helping. I can’t imagine what you continue to go through.

    You’re working through it with your words here. Perhaps you could put your blog address on a card and just hand it to those who don’t get it. Which would be most of society.

    I wish you peace.
    Barbara recently posted..The Atmosphere of AbuseMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 12:00 pm

      Love the idea of giving out my blog address.

      BRILLIANT idea. Xxx

  • Reply
    Anne @ Zen and Genki
    August 21, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Such a moving post – thank you so much for sharing. May the loving memories you have of your sister carry your through the moments you miss her the most. (hugs)
    Anne @ Zen and Genki recently posted..Vintage Goodies: Grandma Lovin’My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 12:02 pm

      Thank you for visiting me <3

  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    The wounded keep having the would ripped open. Tending it ourselves is healing. When we’re invaded, it’s a wounding travesty.

    I’m so glad you spoke up. You did not let yourself down. I’m sorry you were the one who had to leave.

    Some people have the grace and sensitivity of a wooden sock.
    Amy@SoulDipper recently posted..Attracting SolutionsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 12:04 pm

      Yes. That was it.

      I was Invaded. I don’t like that feeling. It’s quite uncomfortable.

      Xxx Smooch.

  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    Why are people so persistent? Like, duh, didn’t she get the idea, the HINT, the first time? I mean how blatantly blunt were you? PRETTY BLUNT! Your response was dignified but straight forward! SHE was an asshole! I think she was getting off on it. If she had any speck of respect for your privacy and feelings she would have backed off and left you alone!

    I’m still mourning with you, my friend! There will always be people like this lurking in the shadows!
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  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    She was just inconsiderate and clueless. With your first response, she should have said, I’m sorry and backed off.
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  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    This woman just didn’t get the hint. I usually encounter this level of insensitivity with those who have not experienced a really close loss. Someone who has would have backed off immediately. I’m sorry you had to experience this!
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  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    You did very well. She is lucky she wasn’t wearing the milk and cereal. kudos to you for holding it together.
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  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    I would not have been so calm as you were. You walked away with grace. She conducted herself with none.

    I probably would have chucked Cheerios at her and told to go eff herself.
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  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    I’m so sorry for the fresh hurts. Love you lots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    August 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    You were right and she was very wrong. Her sensitivity button was stuck. The funny thing is she likely thought you were very rude and is talking about you still. What a utter dumbass.

    One of my brothers has a partner who has the sensitivity of an crocodile, maybe less. She is a complete idiot. When my heart-mother passed away she took death pictures of her, I was furious. But then she brought her camera to the funeral I was annoyed but didn’t say anything. She wasn’t at the hospital when my father passed 10 months later. She was of course at the funeral with her camera.

    Before the service she was taking pictures of the arrivals, I didn’t know as I was inside setting up the memorial tribute.

    Afterwards the funeral we were in the main hall and I saw the flash and I went red. My vision went red. My temperature rose. My spine stiffened, my husband and other siblings moved out of the way. She walked toward me with that camera and I simply snatched it out of her hand, deleted every last picture of my fathers funeral from it and said calmly, “take one more picture and I will bury you and this camera beside my parents as a sacrifice to the Gods.”

    I was a little emotional that day. I know many people think take pictures at funerals. My husbands culture does this, in fact they film the funerals from beginning to end. I find that uncomfortable and made clear I did not want cameras or pictures. I want the day private. She is a crass twit without respect. He was my father!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 22, 2012 at 1:41 pm

      ***, “take one more picture and I will bury you and this camera beside my parents as a sacrifice to the Gods.”**

      ((((( Lo000ve! )))))

      I truly appreciate your assertivness, Val.

      I suppose this is why I write….I am VERY assertive in my writing, but less kick ass in true life!!

      I have never in my life heard of people taking photos as a funeral. This is his culture? Interesting.

      btw, this guy that Kay knew (who had a crush on her) saw me at the grocery store (AGAIN) and he tried asking me questions about Kay. When I told him “I’m not talking.” He called me “RUDE. YOU are VERY rude,” He said.

      The thing is: I don’t give a shit what he thinks.

      Love your insight, Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Incident at the Grocery StoreMy Profile

  • Reply
    Purely.. Kay
    August 21, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    I agree with so many others on this post. People can be downright stupid and dumb. I really don’t think I would’ve had your grace and courage as you in that moment.
    Purely.. Kay recently posted..Lets take a trip… all around the worldMy Profile

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    August 21, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    Oh, I get this all the time and I just feel like dumping something on their heads or stuffing something in their mouths. People can be insensitive – for one thing, they cant seem to stop advising us to “get over it…and that it will all be okay” How so? For another, they would never understand how it feels. Even though my mind feels violent, I just smile, don’t reply and walk away too. All those inane shits.

    I guess the only thing to do is walk away. Some people have even called me rude because of it – never mind the fact that they were being that, and encroaching on private space in the first place.

    Hugs. We’ve no control over others’ actions, dearest Kim. Sigh.

    Love you more than all the children playing in the sun.
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 22, 2012 at 1:43 pm

      Love you more than pink cotton candy at the tri-state fair!!

      And More…. Xxxx

  • Reply
    August 21, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    The cigarette person gets me. I would have wanted to shove a pack of Marlboros into her mouth to shut her up. That was insensitive, callous and downright stupid to say.

    The supermarket woman must have been absolutely clueless to not pick up on all the signals you were sending. And not just signals. You tried to tell her you didn’t want to talk about it, yet for some dumb reason she ignored you and kept going. I don’t get it.

    So sorry you had to go through this, Kim.
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 22, 2012 at 1:44 pm

      I think she was concerned about herself…and she wanted
      information about Kay. I will NEVER give anybody information…

      they can read my DAaaaaMN BLOG!

      Love to you, dearest. xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Incident at the Grocery StoreMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    August 22, 2012 at 2:03 am

    Oh I’m so sorry that you had to have that situation. She was being completely insensitive to you! Couldn’t she get the hint from the first time you told her? Ugh!
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..Crispy Topped Cauliflower Macaroni CheeseMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

      Obviously Not, Lorraine.

      95 percent of people are quite cool…

      the other percentage are dumb asses.

      Xxx Kiss for you Down Under. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Incident at the Grocery StoreMy Profile

  • Reply
    August 22, 2012 at 5:41 am

    Oh my……definitely this woman has no sensitivity nor respect for others. I think you stayed quite calm. I don’t know what I would have done, maybe the same thing or maybe I would have shouted these words at her.
    Some people are just stupid, it is what I want my husband to understand. They don’t care. They say they do, but it’s only pure lie. They don’t know anything about LOVE.
    Sending some to you Kim. xx

  • Reply
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell
    August 22, 2012 at 7:22 am

    I can’t for the life of me understand how she didn’t pick up from the very first mention that you were serious about not wanting to discuss it. She stinks at social cues and I’m sorry. 🙁 That was awfully insensitive.
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..Unidentified and Unwanted – WWMy Profile

  • Reply
    (FL) Girl with a New Life
    August 22, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Grief does such strange things to people. We almost lost someone in the family this year, and I was surprised how often I found him comforting others over his own sad circumstances and not the other way around. Or even how part of my own care-taking for him was in some way shaped by me trying to make peace with myself.

    I’m sorry for your experiences. Walking away was the right thing to do.
    (FL) Girl with a New Life recently posted..Kicking Back: Our New Kitten & Other Sweet SurprisesMy Profile

  • Reply
    nan @ LBDDiaries
    August 22, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Everyone reacts differently. And truly some people are just stoopid. She was selfish because she wanted to express to you her horror and sorrow of not being there for Kay (which she couldn’t have done since she apparently wasn’t a real friend of Kays). She couldn’t hear you because she was being selfish. She’s not evil. She is just self-focused, slef-absorbed, self-centered, and selfish in HER need. However, you did not owe her a thing and you did the only thing you could do in that situation. Walk away without braining her. Most people have no clue. Most people just don’t know what to do or say. Being clueless and thoughtless is just selfish (which is probably her default character, selfish, all about her). Maybe your reaction will make her stop and think about what she did. Doubtful, though.
    nan @ LBDDiaries recently posted..Lovers That Play TogetherMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 22, 2012 at 1:50 pm

      No, she is NOT evil or mean…I know this….

      And I felt bad about walking away. I really did,

      but I will not talk about Kay when I’m not comfortable about it.

      She did not get it. I’m sorry for her. I am. I hope I do not see her again!

      Xxx Luv U.

      • Reply
        nan @ lbddiaries
        August 23, 2012 at 11:39 pm

        No I don’t think you should feel badly about walking away. She really left you NO options. She is not right in the head because NO one should keep talking when someone has said, “I am NOT talking about this.” She was in the wrong and you were right to do what you did. Otherwise, I am afraid you would have started screaming and not been able to stop. And… she still wouldn’t have gotten it.

        You showed her kindness – you walked away!

        • Reply
          Kim Sisto-Robinson
          August 24, 2012 at 6:25 am

          Luv U Xxx

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    August 22, 2012 at 10:01 am

    I am chatty and I love talking about TJ so I don’t really have that problem. I am also pleased that he is still in people’s minds and hasn’t been forgotten. I think it would sadden me more if people didn’t talk about him.
    Sandy Webb recently posted..Land MinesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

      I talk about KAY all the time, Sandy…all the damn time…

      but I will not talk about her murder…except with a few people….and especially with a RUDE woman I hardly know.

      NooooooooooooO WAY!


  • Reply
    August 22, 2012 at 10:07 am

    How very bizarre. Sounds like a scene written for a movie script, not real life. I’m so sorry this happened. I wonder how this woman reflected on her interaction with you. And the woman equating her cigarette to human life? Such a shame that people breathe life into the carelessness of their thoughts to contaminate the air. I don’t get how they don’t get it.

    You handled these encounters graciously, athough I think a nice little uppercut would’ve jarred some sense into them.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 22, 2012 at 1:52 pm

      You know what, Tots? I am certain that she assumed I was quite rude…

      but I have enough to worrry about right now.

      Love to you, Sweets.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Incident at the Grocery StoreMy Profile

  • Reply
    August 22, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    I’m sorry that lady wouldn’t leave you alone. She should never have pushed you like that when you clearly stated that you didn’t want to talk about Kay.
    Jessica recently posted..The August 2012 Garden ReportMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 22, 2012 at 1:54 pm


      I have found that it is difficult to teach an old dog new tricks.

      I am sure she will do the same thing to me again…or somebody else.

      I have no doubt.

      My Inner Chick recently posted..Incident at the Grocery StoreMy Profile

  • Reply
    August 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    The lady at the store was never a good friend of Kay’s, I know her, and you are right, she just don’t
    get it. You had many good comments, but read Carrie’s again, I agree with everything she says
    There is some wisdom there.
    Love You

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 3:05 pm

      Everbody has wonderful, insightful things to say. Even when I do not completely agree, I learn from those people, too.

      Love you more than 10 Siamese Cats in the Minnesota Snow.


  • Reply
    Terri Sonoda
    August 22, 2012 at 9:42 pm

    Oh sweet Kim. I shamefully admit that I am the very worst person when it comes to offering my thoughts on someone’s loss. I never say the right thing. I’m thinking caring, gentle thoughts, but nothing comes out of my mouth but mush. It’s embarrassing. I tend to shy away from any situation that would have me making such a social blunder. I have to write. That way I can try to make up for the awkwardness that comes out of my mouth.
    Anywho, sorry I haven’t visited in awhile. The new job and all… me spinning.
    Terri Sonoda recently posted..Monday Listicles – Have you hugged your car today?My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 23, 2012 at 7:57 am

      don’t feel shameful, darling.

      Just give that particular individual a hug or say “I am so sorry.”

      Simple. Simple. Easy.

      But DO NOT ignore or shy away from their pain.

      I missed you. Xxx How is school?

  • Reply
    August 22, 2012 at 11:21 pm

    I’m sorry you had to go through that. I don’t cope with uncomfortable situations well at all. Recently one of my best friends compared the deployment to her traveling for work and missing her dog.

    I burst into tears and hung up.
    Bridget recently posted..School Is In SessionMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 23, 2012 at 8:00 am

      Ohhhh, Yes,

      I understand. Idiots.

      I’ve had people compare my sister’s murder to cigarettes, going to China, A Karma thing, And their kids going to college.

      The BEST thing people can do is listen or hug or say I love you or say I’m mourning with you.

      but then shut the heeeeeeeeeeeell up!


  • Reply
    Feeling Beachie
    August 23, 2012 at 3:50 am

    I am sorry…

    what an ass… I don’t see how you could have been more clearer with her without punching her… It sounds to me that she felt guilty for not having lunch with your sister (she probably blew her off or canceled) and is trying to make herself feel better (and not caring that she is making you feel bad). So selfish. I am proud of you for just walking away. I probably would have carried on the conversation, not able to walk away, and regretted it all day….

    As for the cigarettes – really? it reminds me of something that happened to my mom when her mother died. (I was only 4 but I heard the story 1000x). She was on the phone with her friend right after the funeral and was crying. Her friend started crying too because she was so sad that her mother flew from NY home to FL that same day…. really?

    sending you big hugs
    Feeling Beachie recently posted..Got Water? Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 23, 2012 at 8:02 am

      people must be educated. Their tongues are sharp and ignorant and stupid.

      This is the problem. People Talk talk talk and do not listen.


      I think of you often. & I miss Alex. I truly do… xxx

  • Reply
    August 23, 2012 at 3:58 am

    You did well not to empty the milk over her head in my opinion.
    countingducks recently posted..The Olympic Spirit With a Whiff of RantingMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 23, 2012 at 8:03 am

      That would have been some story in the Duluth News Tribune.

      How are you? Xx

  • Reply
    Elaine McWaters
    August 23, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Hi, Remember me from last year. Betz walked with me for the memorial walk and I was interviewed. I sure miss Kay Marie.


    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 23, 2012 at 9:53 am

      I do. I do. Beautifully.

      You Inspire Me, Elaine.

      The interview was magical & heartbreaking.

      I miss Kay Marie so much sometimes I can’t breathe. Xx Love.

  • Reply
    Red Dwyer
    August 23, 2012 at 1:37 pm


    You were far more patient and cordial than I would have been. I have been faced with the ignorant, brainless, always-babbling zombies who believe everything is about them. One such zombie had the audacity to tell me, as she clutched her 3 month old, she knew exactly what I was going through. I get points for not smacking the crap out of her. Instead, I told her:

    I know, what with all you are busy doing caring for your alive baby, you know precisely what it feels like to have a child slip from this world in your arms and know there is nothing whatsoever you can do about it. Perhaps, when you open your grief counselling center, I shall sign up for services. Until then, I would appreciate you keeping your impolite, uninformed, egocentric pie hole closed. Do you have a problem with it attracting flies?

    So, yeah. You get far more polite points than I do.

    Much, much love,

    PS I said it loud enough everyone within 4.6 miles could hear it. *evil grins*
    Red Dwyer recently posted..Through the WireMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 23, 2012 at 2:37 pm

      I wish I were as assertive as you. I love that you said that…

      I mean, what other way do ignorant people learn unless they are educted by others who have experienced true pain, true mourning?

      Most people are really great, but it’s those few who are sooooo STUPID that I cannot believe it…

      I remember 2 weeks after Kay was murdered I saw a woman from school at Perkins…she walked up to me and hugged me SO TIGHTLY.

      That’s all. Not one word…Only a warm tight hug.

      Gosh, I loooooooooooooooooooved that!

      Love to you, Dear. Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Incident at the Grocery StoreMy Profile

  • Reply
    August 23, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    Kim, I think you handle it the only way you can at the time that you are expected to handle it. Maybe on a different day, under different circumstances you would have handled it differently. But at that moment, on that day, you just wanted your Cheerios and to get the fuck out of Dodge. And that’s ok. You get to do that.
    Sandra recently posted..Do you ‘mommy’?My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 24, 2012 at 6:24 am

      And I say AMEN to that, Sistah. Xxx

  • Reply
    August 24, 2012 at 9:42 am

    It saves tons on groceries though… Forgive bad sense of humor, my family watched way too much Monty Phyton. My two cents? Your life, your rules, your Cheerios!
    Stasha recently posted..I got madMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 24, 2012 at 10:13 am

      Mr. Liverpool grew up on Monty Phyton…

      **Your life, your rules, your Cheerios***

      I must say, I really dig that, S. Xx

  • Reply
    August 24, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Ah, Kim, there’s no excusing stupidity, is there?? I’m sorry you had to go through that in the grocery store. I’m sorry people just don’t know what to say and then they compound that by saying the wrong thing. Grief like this doesn’t vanish overnight — you had every right to respond the way you did. Hugs and prayers, my friend!
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  • Reply
    Beverly Diehl
    August 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Oh my sweet Kim… People like that deserve punching, seriously, but they are also the kind of asshats who would use it as an excuse to sue you, so probably not a good idea… I do love the idea of pouring the milk and Cheerios right on grocery stalker’s oblivious head. As for the butthead… what can you say to that? “Nice, you’re comparing my beautiful sister to a toxic substance?”

    I do like Amy’s suggestion, only instead of something you have to say, have it printed on a business card:

    “I appreciate that you want to acknowledge my sister, and I am sorry that you too feel the loss of her presence. I’m not going to discuss it at this time. Thank you for respecting my mourning.”

    Sending virtual hugs across the miles.
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 24, 2012 at 12:46 pm

      Brilliant idea, Beverly.

      I must get those printed out immediately!

      Love Xxxx

  • Reply
    Unknown Mami
    August 24, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Sometimes when someone is going through something as difficult as you are, I think we are supposed to listen. Really just listen and be a sounding board for that person. Offer advice if it is asked for, but really only if it is asked for. Perhaps ask if there is anything that is needed from us instead of assuming that we know what the person needs. For some reason many of can’t help but turn any situation into something about us. Sometimes it really isn’t about us or how we can identify because sometimes we can’t…I could go on, but…

    I’m sorry that there will always be people who try to turn this horrible tragedy into something they can identify with, that they will compare it to giving up cigarettes, or that they will talk about it as if it somehow affected them on a level that compares to what you are going through. Try to believe that they do it out of ignorance and self-involvement and not because they want to diminish what it is that you are experiencing. As humans, we can be really dumb.
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  • Reply
    Renee Schuls-Jacobson
    August 24, 2012 at 8:47 pm


    This is crazy, maybe. But I’m so glad you showed up today on my dark anniversary.

    I wasn’t completely honest.

    I still remember. And even though people tell me to forget, I don’t want to.

    The fact that you hold onto your sister… I don’t think that makes you stuck. Or broken.

    But you give me permission to hold onto that day and not pretend it didn’t happen.

    I’m glad you are true to yourself and your emotions.

    I censor myself sometimes.

    Working on that.

    So thank you for reminding me to tell it straight.

    And reminding me its okay to remember.
    Renee Schuls-Jacobson recently posted..Somebody That I Used To KnowMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 25, 2012 at 6:25 am

      I shall NEVER forget. I shall scream it from the rooftops. I shall make the clocks stop…

      This happened in our family. There was a murder, manipulation, a slow abuse..

      Other people need to know this..
      so it might not happen to their family.

      Love to you, Dear Renee. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Incident at the Grocery StoreMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lonesome Jackalope
    August 25, 2012 at 11:27 am

    I have no idea how you feel. But I feel for you. May a new sunrise find you one day. ~ The Lonesome Jackalope
    Lonesome Jackalope recently posted..Dreams of the JackalopeMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm

      ~~~Lonesome Jack,
      I love that you said “You have no Idea how I feel.”

      Thank you for reading <3

  • Reply
    August 25, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    Oh Kim, I’m so sorry that happened. She should’ve listened to you and cared about how you were feeling. She should never have kept pushing.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 26, 2012 at 7:51 am


      I hated to be rude, but I had no other option, Emily Xxx

  • Reply
    August 25, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Kim, it’s been too long since I’ve visited this lovely haven of yours. I have missed you, sweet lady! I’m glad I’m back and that my broadband is back in place. That said, I must say that we meet so many people in life that are either clueless, insensitive, or lack empathy. It’s a crying shame, is what it is. I’m from the school of thought that most of the time, it’s best to convey a message of support and love with a hug. No words are necessary–simply two people embracing–one saying, “I’m so sorry,” and the other one saying, “Thank you.” No words and yet many a time, more meaningful than a thousand words. I’m so sorry you had to endure such torment, because pushy people are exactly that–a torment. Yet, you stood your ground and that’s what counts. When we meet clueless folk like these, it is necessary to create awareness any way we can and convey our non desire to interact. Good for you, friend! Hugs for you from Roxy and me!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 26, 2012 at 7:52 am

      I’ve missed you and ROX!!

      Yes, I found that a warm hug is like a THOUSAND words! PERFECT.

      Love to you. Welcome back Xxxxxx

  • Reply
    August 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    One of my best friends’ sister was murdered by her own son who was mentally ill a year ago next month and I often want to let her know in some way that I haven’t forgotten and that I care about what she’s going through, but I never know what to say. I feel like I don’t want to intrude or bring back that pain if she’s having a good day. So I say nothing, and that doesn’t feel right either.
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 26, 2012 at 12:31 pm

      On the date that that man stopped my sister’s heart…
      I have many people who email, call, write a card, or send a text to say:

      “Thinking of you Today.
      I Love you.
      I am here for you.”

      I really appreciate that…. because I don’t want KAY to EVER be forgotten. NEVER forgotten.

      Send a card. Email. The worst thing one can do is say nothing.

      Luv to you Xxx

      btw, my neighbor’s son committed suicide. I called her on that day to tell her I was thinking about her. I would have never done that before Kay.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Incident at the Grocery StoreMy Profile

  • Reply
    August 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Kay will never be forgotten, and through your eyes, your heart, your words, those of us who never knew her personally, get to have a sense of her vicariously. I am deeply sorry that you have suffered such a loss and that people’s insensitivy often makes it even worse.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 26, 2012 at 8:12 pm

      thank you for reading & understanding.


  • Reply
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles
    August 26, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    I enjoy reading your readers comments *almost* as much as your posts lovely Kim.

    I am particularly relating to Amy’s patience and wisdom. We are all journeying – in different places and stages at different times. Struggling to find our way. What works for one person will not work for another. It’s ok to let someone know this – as you did. Take your time; be in the place that you are and others will be in theirs.

    Love and Light to you Beauty – xo.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 26, 2012 at 8:13 pm

      Beautiful thoughts, sweet Kelly. XXxx

  • Reply
    August 26, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    I cannot believe that people behave this way!!! It’s insane and self-centered……Sigh. Sorry you have to deal with this:(

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 26, 2012 at 8:13 pm

      Goo Goo,
      I am, too…

      Reality SUCKSSSssss. Xx

  • Reply
    August 26, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    I am just speechless. I can imagine she was bungling along thinking she couldn’t leave it alone, not wanting to break off the contact like that. And with every effort she was cutting deeper into the tender wound. This was so painful to read, there is no way I can imagine what it was like for you to endure. It reminds me of the pain that seers through you when healing is disturbs by a blow. I hope the healing starts anew and protects you from people’s awkward and insensitive overtures.
    May recently posted..Gainsville, TexasMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 26, 2012 at 8:15 pm

      Dear May,
      I don’t think I shall Ever heal completly w/ out my dear sister…

      Thank you for your kind words. Xxx

  • Reply
    August 27, 2012 at 7:38 am

    I can picture myself that your sensitivity thermometer heightened. But you still have to keep calm, think about your sis’, she wanted you to do so, too 😉
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 27, 2012 at 7:43 am

      –No I don’t !!

  • Reply
    Brenda Lewis
    August 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    I read the story of your loss from the prospective of one who has endured loss herself. There are no words to express the pain, anger, frustration, the effect on every minute of “life” when everything is defined as “before” or “after”. My loss was different, I lost my 15 year old son very suddenly when he collapsed while playing baseball. We didn’t know he was sick, didn’t know what to do, and even though we immediately called 911, I will always feel slow medial response made the difference between life and death for him. There are articles about him on my site. I invite you to read and follow my blog. I could not see a “button” that I could push to follow your blog, but would like to =if you will reply and tell me how to “follow” you. Your article touched me, I am so sorry for your loss. beebeesworld

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm

      I am so so so sorry for your great loss. It changes who we are, doesnt it?

      Every. single. day.
      I am not sure how I will make it thru….
      I wonder how my heart can still beat w/out my sister here… HOW? Why?

      I am going to your site. You can follow me by going to top of my page and subscribing in the space above w/ your email.

      Again, I am so very sorry about the loss of your dear son.

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  • Reply
    August 27, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    I can’t think of any better way to handle it than you did. You were simple and clear about what you needed: NOT to have that discussion. She may have kept talking because she was nervous, or to try to make better her initial stupidstupidstupid comment. It doesn’t matter. You owed her nothing. I’m sure (at least I hope) she feels bad. But she can make amends later, much later, when you’re able to hear it.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 28, 2012 at 7:11 am

      I do not think she will make amends because I am quite sure she thinks she is right and I was rude. You Know?

      Thanks for reading my mourning, dear. Xx

  • Reply
    August 28, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Love you!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 28, 2012 at 7:21 am

      Love you MORE <3

  • Reply
    September 24, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    I was complaining about that to Jodi today. I’m not comparing my situation at all to Kay’s but I know how bad I feel when people wants me to tell and repeat to them over and over again the details of what has happened to me, people who never cared or who just want to hear something they can talk about later with their friends. I feel like running away, like hiding and staying alone forever
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