~~Every morning, I wake up
and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries
me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy, like
there’s too much gravity on my heart. ––Sarah Ockler
~~I’ve gone though my whole life adored, respected, &
applauded by my sister, Kay.
“OoooH, I love this poem.
Sis, you’re going to be famous someday.
This essay is unbelievable. I’m serious. Unbeeeelievable.
I think you should send this story out to
Women’s Home Journal immediately!”
I mean, nobody EVER believed in me like that.
N O B O D Y.
What an invaluable gift I had in her.
Wholly.
Beautifully. Continually. Ceaselessly.
Forever.
On our walks, she’d never miss asking:
“What are you writing today, Kimmy? Are you
writing about Meeee again?”
And I’d grin… For
she was (is) my supreme abundant muse. For example, I wrote Big Jugs & Jagger Lips a few months before her murder. (she loved this essay so much)!
“ You know I’m dedicating my first book to you, Kay.” I ‘d say.
“What will you write in it?”
She smiled enormously, bumping her hip into my hip. “What will you write about me?
Tell me. Tell me.”
“Um, lets see, something like:
For my
sister, Kay, who believed in me–even when I didn’t believe in myself.”
That’s all? she sighed.
“What about ‘my beautiful sister, Kay?”
“I guess so.” I
laughed.
God, how I miss
miss miss miss fucking fuck fuck miss miss her.
So many days, so
many hours, so many minutes…
And I wonder how I will
survive
one. more.
solitary. Day.
So….
I found this card tucked inside one of my journals last week. I sobbed as I read it. sobbed sobbed sobbed
Kay used to send me encouraging cards for no reason. You know,
just because she was W o n d e r f u l.
~~~~Dear, Reader, who is your greatest encourager & inspiration?
My sister Kay was Murdered by Mike Peterson 812 Days ago. She died with part of my heart & soul. Mourning lives on forever….
~~~~Get Help NOW for Verbal Violence, Emotional Violence, Sexual Violence, Finacial Abuse or any other kinds of abuse…..800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ Do Not Wait One. More. Day.
Oh my. It’s a bit hard to write right now because of the tears from that beautiful, encouraging and heartbreaking card. Alpha Hubby is the only one who ever encouraged me and believed in me. He saw things in me no one else ever saw. He saw my heart and the real me. He was constantly amazed how my closest friends didn’t even know me (I probably helped that). He eased himself inside, looked around, liked what he saw, then shared my insides with me. He still sees things I don’t believe or even know are there.
nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..Lovers That Play Together
*** He eased himself inside, looked around, liked what he saw, then shared my insides with me.**
Nan, that is Oooooh-So-Beautiful. Xxx Love.
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
I am in tears because of the beautiful, loving words your sister gave to you. Thank you for sharing that.
My husband believes in me and encourages me. He’s quiet, but when he says something about my writing or my book, I know he means it. He truly believes I can publish a book.
Tina Barbour recently posted..On the job: OCD in the workplace
Tina,
I love that your husband believes in YOU.
YOU. Will. Publish. A. Book!!
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
What a wonderful statement of faith – in you, and in God – that card is, Kim. Do you hear Kay’s voice when you read her words, written in her own hand? Such power there. Such love, reverberating through time and space.
I have many who encourage me, but I offer myself the most encouragement, especially in the deep dark of night when doubt and fear and loss and grief like to ooze in through the not-quite-filled cracks of my self-love.
((((( H U G ))))) xoxo
Hugs from me too.
Emily Woodhouse recently posted..Argan Oil Care | Your Argan Oil beauty care information station
–Ellen,
Yes, I hear her voice & I feel her cheek next to my cheek
every. single. day.
Loooooooooooove that you encourage yourself…
for me, this has been a lifetime process….especially now.
xx Kisses
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Your sister was ideal, a lady to look up to who have faith, honesty and love. Thank you for sharing her beautiful words with us my dear friend.
My biggest inspiration is my mum – she has never stopped smiling and has been through so much in her life.
Hugs
Uru
Choc Chip Uru recently posted..Birthday Post #2: A Guest Post At Cake Whiz
Ooo, yes,
Your Mum.
OMGggggggosh, she did a FABulous job w/ you, Choc. XXxxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Somehow, and I suppose it’s your love for Kay and the passion in your words, but you bring Kay alive. I feel her personality and the spirit of a very beautiful soul. The sisterhood is untouchable.
Love and Blessings…
totsymae1011 recently posted..If You Need Me, Call Me
Tots,
Untouchable. I like that. Lovely. Xxxxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
You ARE writing in a very significant way…you are saving lives. xo
Liz recently posted..Panzanella…Improv Cooking Challenge~
Liz,
Ohhh, I do hope so. Xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
What a lovely bit of encouragement, Kimmy. She loves you so. How wonderful for you to find it. She is right, you know. Your writing does make you famous.
My encouragement comes from the many who cannot understand what I do. Their wonder at what I accomplish knowing how far along the dark path I have come lets me know there truly is not anything I cannot do.
You have that encourager as well. Everyone who comes here believes in you, Kim. Every.single.one.
I love you,
Red.
xxx
Red Dwyer recently posted..Writers Spotlight: G.H. Ellis
Dear, Red,
You. Inspire. Me.
Love Xxxxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
That note was so loving. Love like that never ends, Kim. You still have it and so does she.
Linda Medrano recently posted..Dressing Ari
Never Ever Ends!
Xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Love you!
Love you back Xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Oh sweetness. Big fat tears here. It isn’t given to all of us to be loved like that, and I am so glad that you are.
Just as you love her still, so she loves you. And she was right about your writing skills, and you are using those skills to do important and lifechanging work.
Hurting for you, hurting with you.
Dear E,
Xxxx Thank you for your support, dearest.
Love when you come to see me.
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
I see you passing this on to your gorgeous friend in Kenya. Kay taught you how to do it! You know how it feels to receive it. And you’ve even given me a taste of that incredible giving.
Many thanks, Kim!
Amy@SoulDipper recently posted..Occupy Blogosphere – Thursday, August 16, 2012
Amy,
ever know somebody who made you a better person?
Kay was this for me. She will live inside me for all eternity.
Xxx Love.
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
awww.. This is so sad to read. And yes, it’s very precious when we have someone who truly believes in us. It’s great that you’re sharing this. It makes us learn to appreciate those around us!
Sammie recently posted..Pandan Chocolate Zebra Chiffon Cake
Sammie,
Love endures forever and ever and ever. Xxx Love.
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Kimmy.
You are one of my greatest inspirations ! My sisters Tracey and shelly and Tammy ! I have my 4 best friends and lee. You all are my inspiration and I’m rich with friends. I still have my note from Kay when she gave me a journal You and Kay have the greatest love relationship on earth and no one can take that away from you. Live you from the bottom of my heart !!
Kimmy,
Love you LOTS.
Love,
The other Kimmy.Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
She sounds amazing. What a tragedy.
Blond Duck recently posted..Recipe and Review: Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie
Amaaaaaaaaazing.
Yes, yes.
Xxxx Thanks for visting, Ducky.
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
You’re amazingly talented girl.
Sandra recently posted..Cantamango Cocktail
Sandra,
as are YOU!! <3
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Kim –
What a happy and loving card. How joyous that you found it and that you could remember your sisters love in such a tangible way.
So many of us believe in you! You have touched so many of us with your spirit and your writing. You bring your sister alive as well, thus she touches our lives and her life encourages us also.
Think of how you have reached out to others, what you have done through your friendship. You are amazing !!
Great Love, many hugs
Val
Val,
you are touching lives, as well. I thank God for you. Xx
I LOVE that card out LOUD! Kimmy, she was spectacular! I love Kay. Kisses, my dear heart! xoxox Jodi
Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever recently posted..A Question of Need
Jodi,
your comments make me SMILE.
Love Uuuu. xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Such beautiful words (and handwriting). The gift Kay has given you, is a gift that keeps giving, yes?
Now, we ALL believe in you. You can do it. xo
Alison recently posted..Thirty Six
Dear Mama A,
Love flowing to you. Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Very moved to read Kay’s words. What a giant. Your love for each other inspires me, Kim.
My greatest encourager was my Auntie May who died in 2008 at the age of 92. Right until the very end she lived a life of love and courage and optimism. When I was going through a very bitter and painful time in my life she would somehow know exactly when I needed to hear from someone loving and she would call and tell me “I’m always here for you”.
Solid gold creativity recently posted..Inventing the self
“”“I’m always here for you””"”
what grand, magical words to hear, Solid. Wonderful. Xxx
Hi Kim, what a wonderful and self-less encourager your sister was and I’m so glad you have that beautiful handwritten card from her. I believe she has spoken prophetic words and you do have a story to tell and you will get that story published and you will dedicate that book to Kay. I wish you well for your journey from here to the book launch! xx
Hotly Spiced recently posted..The Girls
~~~Dear Hot,
Love your encouraging words! <3 Xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Oh, and I tried to like you on FB to help me keep in touch but for some reason I couldn’t!
Hotly Spiced recently posted..The Girls
OMG, Kim. Reading what Kay wrote to you gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes. In a horrible, horrible way she was right. Your writing has been used in a significant way–telling her story, keeping her alive, helping to make sure what happened to her doesn’t continue. You’re spreading the word, empowering women. You’re doing a world of good, Kim. Bless you, and your sister. She’ll always be there for you.
Monica recently posted..The Land that Gaudí Built
Dear Monica,
Our pain MUST have purpose….
Or it is all utterly meaningless.
Love flowing to you. Xx
Kay is right, you know, Kim. I too think you are destined for fame. You are a superstar just waiting to happen. I hope you sent your story to Woman’s Home Journal. I used to feel slightly unreal when my Mom used to say wonderful things to me about what she believed were my talents – and it just goes to show how much we need someone to believe in us. Kay is in your heart and watching over you, inspiring you always.
That card made me cry. For you and for me. Yesterday, I was going through one of my Mom’s diaries (oh, she wrote several). She would write thoughts, poetry, recipes, jokes, all together. And I found myself feeling so very sad to read the jokes on my own. Part of me knows I should be grateful to have lived with her throughout my life. But another part of me feels a little cheated that she was suddenly snatched away at 64.
We can not turn the clock back. We can only cherish moments, and keep memories alive in our hearts.
You know I always mourn with you. I love you, Kim. I so eagerly waiting for your book. Please publish it soon. Because I think there will be more, many more. You’re so gifted.
Vidya Sury recently posted..Freedom
Vidya,
you remind me of Kay in so many ways….
perhaps this is why I love you so…
Xxx
Thanks for the reminder how important it is to send cards and notes to those you love. In my electronic world I need to remember to do that.
Barbara @ Barbara Bakes recently posted..Julia Child’s French Bread
Very True, Barbara,
I saved all of Kay’s cards for me. I have several. Xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Kay was beyond insightful! Here’s to Kay! She knew that you would do wonderful things, and you are! Love and hugs t you darling Kim.
Mandy xoxoxo
Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..Chinese Style Lamb, Pork or Beef
Hugs and love back to you, Mandy Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
That is heart wrenching. I can’t imagine how you felt reading that card Kim. You carry on through this with dignity and grace xxx
Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..Silky Smooth Hummus
~~~Lorraine,
I have several cards by Kay.
I hate to say this, but every day is pretty heart wrenching w/ out her.
Love to you, Sweets.Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
My friend Janet sends me cards about how much she values our friendship! What I mean to her and how I effect her life. They’re precious to me. She is the sister I never had.
Whenever you feel you don’t think you’ll ever amount to anything or lose faith in yourself, you read that card! It may make you cry again, but use it for strength! Because no one knew you better than Kay! And she knew you had the talent and inspiration to be a great writer!
Irene recently posted..Remembering My Laundry Hamper
Irene,
I am SO HAPPY that you have a friend like that.
I have several friends, but NO ONE will EVER be like Kay. I find that very sad.
Love to you, Dearest. Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Her love is transcendental… You inspire me.
Adriana recently posted..Forces Of Nature…
That’ s interesting, A.
Because I feel the same way about you. Xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
I think we all will find our peace of mind and soul when we come to Lord. But we have to find it here in real life as well, so don’t get stuck in depression and demotivation, your life sounds to be really interesting, maybe you should focus on the future during these weary days!
Judit recently posted..Mi történik valójában a fogbeültetés során?
Easier said than done.
Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Why TJ of course! He inspired and encouraged me. He pushed me beyond what I thought were my limits. There was nothing that he thought I couldn’t do. I miss that, I miss that so much…..
Sandy Webb recently posted..Separate……Separation
Ohhh, I love that you had (have) TJ, Sandy. What a great Love you both have. X
Kay’s right, you know. So many people gravitate towards your writing, and that’s because it’s compelling. As the artist, it’s hard to believe people are actually reading and appreciating your words, but they are Kim.
And while I know you’d trade all of it just to have Kay back, she’s become the ultimate source for your writing. Your pieces on domestic violence have helped more people than you realize, and it’s become (in a way) your cause. Then there are the heartfelt pieces such as this one. Through your writing, you’re keeping Kay alive.
It’s not for us to question God’s will. It’s just sometimes, His will is hard to swallow. But He’s working through you, Kim, whether or not you feel Him. Something tells me Kay’s working through you as well.
Keep it up, lady! Love you!
Tara
Tara recently posted..True love waits.
Love you, Tara.
Sorry to say, but I question GOD’s Will ALL THE TIME.
Xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Kay was definitely a treasure – these words she wrote to you are just the most beautiful ones. She believed in you and she was right Kim. You have talent, you touch hearts and this is rare.
I would say my inspiration is my mum, even though we had times when we did not understand each other and have different ideas on some aspects of life, she is the one who believe I can make it, and her example shows me this every day too.
Much Love Kim! xxx
Marie
marie recently posted..Friday Wisdom
Marie,
Much Love back to you, Dearest. Xxxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Dearest Kim- your blog can bring me to tears or make me laugh until I cry. How do you do that? To see the actual written words of your sister is so poignant. You will cherish that card always. Isn’t it amazing how quickly one can forget a voice, or a signature or a look? I have a card from my sister written not too long before she was killed. I will always have it. I also have a video of a family Christmas gathering the year before she was murdered. It is hard to watch but I do need to remember her voice and her mannerisms. Just reading your post and writing this has brought me to tears. Thank you for your beautiful writing.
Joan recently posted..In the aftermath of mass shootings
Sweet, Joan,
I have many things of Kay’s.
I took everything…even all of her lipsticks.
but mostly, I have her inside my heart.
I thank you for your support, pro-active voice, and LOVE.
You are one of my heros. Xxx Love.
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Kay was a treasure, after you walked with her and talked with her you always felt better. She was so
encouraging, not only to you Kim, but to every one. That was one of reasons she was loved so
much. Oh by the way Kim, I always believed in you.
Love You So Much
Dad
Daddy,
Kay made everybody better than they were…
I miss that.
I love you more than 5 lions in the moonlight of Afrika. X
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
I want to give you a super big hug… because my words are not enough…
Feeling Beachie recently posted..Follow Friday Four Fill in Fun Blog Hop – Week #75
I accept all hugs.
Thank you, Beachie <3
and I hug you back…. Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
I see why Kay loved Big Jugs and Jagger Lips. It’s great, Kim!!!! (Your post made me teary, but that made me laugh!)
Jann Huizenga recently posted..Debora, Shiny As Swarovski
Jann,
Kay told me she read it at work w/ her co-workers and they were laughing SO hard.
I love that image of her (laughing)
Love to you, Dearest Jann. X
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Where would we be in life without someone to believe in us? A lovely tribute to Kay.
Lady Fi recently posted..Double dose of golden
Lady Fi,
Where would we be? How sad to have nobody who believed in us …
Xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Isn’t the universe amazing…just when you least expect it, she sends you a message. So glad you have that memory to hold on to.
mamawolfe recently posted..Friday Photo: Holding On
Mama,
I shall hold on
f o r e v e r …
Xxx Love.
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Your sister was and is right about you and your writing.
Unknown Mami recently posted..Latinos and the 2012 Election #WeDecide
Thanks for visiting me, Mami
Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Having a personal cheerleader like that—there is no feeling like it. I know we are supposed to all be our own cheerleaders, but most of can’t do it….we need someone else to see the best in us and help us to shine. I know she is still leading those cheers for you from above. And she was right about your writing.
Michael Ann recently posted..Black Raspberry Cream Pie
Michael Ann,
Yes. Kay is still cheering.
I only WISH she were doing it from here…near…next to me. Xxx
My mother died when she was just 54 from cancer. I was only 23. She was always my biggest champion and I still feel her love around me and draw inspiration from it after 40 years. They really don’t leave us, but oh, how I would love to have her physical presence with me for just one single moment again.
injaynesworld recently posted..injaynesworld it’s "Singles Night…"
Jayne,
54…So VERY Young. Sorry, dear.
Yes. Always with us. ALWAYS. Forever.
But -the thing is: I. Want. Kay. HERE! Now. Today.
Love. Xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Hey! loved the post..! Loved the line ‘God has just begun to work on your life..’ Very thoughtful and inspiring
!
Meiko Lucas recently posted..Britons favourate pets are been mistreated
Meiko,
thanks for reading. xx
I believe that Kay is still your biggest cheerleader, believing in you every step of the way. xoxo
Jessica recently posted..Why I {Almost} Made Out With My Soap
Jessica,
I do too. I really do. I can hear her voice. XXX
There’s nothing quite like unconditional love and support – someone in your camp who believes in you in a way that no one else has been able to show or tell. What a blessing. And how wonderful that you can hold these memories in your heart forever – including that gorgeous, telling card… Your writing is indeed being used in a very significant way – xo.
Kelly @ Inspired Edibles recently posted..Mint Chocolate Rooibos Iced Tea
~~~Dear, Kelly,
that unconditional love is one of the things I miss the most. XXx
That card made me cry, too – you gotta buy stock in Kimberly-Clark before you put up posts like that, our use of Kleenex goes through the roof.
I am blessed to have a number of fabulous friends and family members cheering me on, but I admit, a slight bit of jealousy I never had as close a bond to any of them as you had – STILL have – to Kay. Then again, it had to be strong, to last as long and as beautifully as it has.
Love you, and as always, know you’ve touched so many hearts.
Beverly Diehl recently posted..Why Don’t They Just STFU and Get Granny Her Voter ID?
—-Beverly,
I love your words! <3 Love.
My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My Heart
Those were inspiring words!
I love the details of the writings in the card. It really touched my soul.
Sorry to hear about what had happened!
Ashleen Moreen recently posted..Timber Sliding Doors To Make Best Use Of The Space In Your Home
Ashleen,
thank you for reading <3
“Your writing is going to be used in significant ways…” Oh my. My dear Kim, by this time Kay has seen just how significant your writing has become. Your words of encouragement to battered women, your warnings, and the way you empower those who find themselves in situations of abuse are indeed a testimony of just how important your writing is. She knew it then and she knows it know. Because your words of sorrow bring us together. Because we feel your pain and want to be alongside you, trying to ease it any way we can. But more importantly, because your writing is an open book of the love between sisters–a love so strong, it transcend death. Yes, you are an example to us all. You teach us the importance of keeping the memory of our loved ones alive, long after their physical selves have left us. And you show us that love has no boundaries–it reaches high into infinity, to the wonderful place where beautiful souls like Kay reside. We feel the love, Kim, and so does she, my friend. May her words continue to encourage you to become the published author you are meant to be!
Bella,
I cannot read your words w/out weeping.
You are an angel on earth.
Luv U. x
What a precious card!
I am so sorry for your loss. Kay sounds like a remarkable woman. I have lost a sibling too – he was only 22 at the time – and know the pain. But to lose a sister under these circumstances is heart wrenching. I am glad her faith in you remains your inspiration. Take care and stay strong
Madhu,
so sorry to hear about your sibling. The pain is unbearable, isn’t it?
For me, time will never heal…but I am learning to live w/ out my best friend.
Xxx Love.
The first person to every really believe in me was my husband. Up until him I had learned how to sustain myself on disapproval. Now, with him encouraging me, I feel stronger than ever.
(FL) Girl with a New Life recently posted..Authentic & Beautiful at Age 81: Carmen Dell’Orefice
I loved Kay’s card. She is wonderful. when I used to read your blog before, I used to feel as I am waiting for the end of my story. I used to try sometimes and guess how he might do it and get rid of me.
Things are different now, and I know you are happy for me, but I can’t help feeling guilty. I do feel so guilty that i escaped and she couldn’t and it hurts and the struggle is not finished yet. Sometimes I wish he did end the pain. sometimes
Nikky44 recently posted.."Playing The Game"
Nikky,
Please know “I LOVE YOU.” I wish wish wish Kay were here…
but I am glad you are, my dear Nikky. XXXXXXXXXXXXX
My Inner Chick recently posted..Horrible, Rotten, Good For Nothin’ Day