In Memory of Kay Kim's Blogs

Gravity On My Heart


 

~~Every morning, I wake up
and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries
me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy, like
there’s too much gravity on my heart
. ––Sarah Ockler

 

 

~~I’ve gone though my whole life adored, respected, &
applauded by my sister, Kay.

 

“OoooH,  I love this poem.

Sis, you’re going to be famous someday.

This essay is  unbelievable. I’m serious.  Unbeeeelievable.

I think you should send this story out to
Women’s Home Journal immediately!”

 

I mean, nobody EVER believed in me like that.

 

N  O  B  O  D  Y.

 

What an invaluable gift I had in her.

 

Wholly.
Beautifully.  Continually.  Ceaselessly.
Forever.

 

On our walks, she’d never miss asking:

 

“What are you writing today, Kimmy? Are you
writing about Meeee again
?”

 

And I’d grin…   For
she was (is) my supreme abundant muse.  For example, I wrote Big Jugs & Jagger Lips a few months before her murder.  (she loved this essay so much)!

 

“ You know I’m dedicating my first book to you,  Kay.” I ‘d say.

 

“What will you write in it?”
She smiled enormously, bumping her hip into my hip. “What will you write about me?
Tell me.  Tell me.”

 

“Um, lets see, something like:

 

For my
sister, Kay, who believed in me–even when I didn’t believe in myself
.”

 

That’s all? she sighed.
“What about ‘my beautiful sister, Kay?”

 

“I guess so.”  I
laughed.

 

God,  how I miss
miss miss miss fucking fuck fuck miss miss her.

 

So many days, so
many hours, so many minutes…

 

And I wonder how I will
survive

one.  more.
solitary.  Day.

 

So….

 

I found this card tucked inside one of my journals last week.  I sobbed as I read it.   sobbed  sobbed  sobbed

 

Kay used to send me encouraging cards for no reason.  You know,
just because she was W o n d e r f u l.

~~~~Dear, Reader,  who is your greatest encourager & inspiration?

My sister Kay was Murdered by Mike Peterson 812 Days ago.  She died with part of my heart & soul.   Mourning lives on forever….

~~~~Get Help  NOW for Verbal Violence, Emotional Violence, Sexual Violence, Finacial Abuse or any other kinds of abuse…..800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ Do  Not  Wait   One.  More.  Day.

 

 

 


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99 Comments

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    August 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Oh my. It’s a bit hard to write right now because of the tears from that beautiful, encouraging and heartbreaking card. Alpha Hubby is the only one who ever encouraged me and believed in me. He saw things in me no one else ever saw. He saw my heart and the real me. He was constantly amazed how my closest friends didn’t even know me (I probably helped that). He eased himself inside, looked around, liked what he saw, then shared my insides with me. He still sees things I don’t believe or even know are there.
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 18, 2012 at 11:26 am

      *** He eased himself inside, looked around, liked what he saw, then shared my insides with me.**

      Nan, that is Oooooh-So-Beautiful. Xxx Love.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My HeartMy Profile

  • Reply
    Tina Barbour
    August 16, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I am in tears because of the beautiful, loving words your sister gave to you. Thank you for sharing that.

    My husband believes in me and encourages me. He’s quiet, but when he says something about my writing or my book, I know he means it. He truly believes I can publish a book.
    Tina Barbour recently posted..On the job: OCD in the workplaceMy Profile

  • Reply
    Ellen
    August 16, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    What a wonderful statement of faith – in you, and in God – that card is, Kim. Do you hear Kay’s voice when you read her words, written in her own hand? Such power there. Such love, reverberating through time and space.

    I have many who encourage me, but I offer myself the most encouragement, especially in the deep dark of night when doubt and fear and loss and grief like to ooze in through the not-quite-filled cracks of my self-love.

    ((((( H U G ))))) xoxo

  • Reply
    Choc Chip Uru
    August 16, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Your sister was ideal, a lady to look up to who have faith, honesty and love. Thank you for sharing her beautiful words with us my dear friend.
    My biggest inspiration is my mum – she has never stopped smiling and has been through so much in her life.

    Hugs
    Uru
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  • Reply
    totsymae1011
    August 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Somehow, and I suppose it’s your love for Kay and the passion in your words, but you bring Kay alive. I feel her personality and the spirit of a very beautiful soul. The sisterhood is untouchable.

    Love and Blessings…
    totsymae1011 recently posted..If You Need Me, Call MeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Liz
    August 16, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    You ARE writing in a very significant way…you are saving lives. xo
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  • Reply
    Red Dwyer
    August 16, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    What a lovely bit of encouragement, Kimmy. She loves you so. How wonderful for you to find it. She is right, you know. Your writing does make you famous.

    My encouragement comes from the many who cannot understand what I do. Their wonder at what I accomplish knowing how far along the dark path I have come lets me know there truly is not anything I cannot do.

    You have that encourager as well. Everyone who comes here believes in you, Kim. Every.single.one.

    I love you,
    Red.
    xxx
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  • Reply
    Linda Medrano
    August 16, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    That note was so loving. Love like that never ends, Kim. You still have it and so does she.
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  • Reply
    Tia
    August 16, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    Love you!

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    August 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Oh sweetness. Big fat tears here. It isn’t given to all of us to be loved like that, and I am so glad that you are.
    Just as you love her still, so she loves you. And she was right about your writing skills, and you are using those skills to do important and lifechanging work.
    Hurting for you, hurting with you.

  • Reply
    Amy@SoulDipper
    August 16, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    I see you passing this on to your gorgeous friend in Kenya. Kay taught you how to do it! You know how it feels to receive it. And you’ve even given me a taste of that incredible giving.

    Many thanks, Kim!
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 18, 2012 at 3:28 pm

      Amy,
      ever know somebody who made you a better person?

      Kay was this for me. She will live inside me for all eternity.

      Xxx Love.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My HeartMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sammie
    August 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    awww.. This is so sad to read. And yes, it’s very precious when we have someone who truly believes in us. It’s great that you’re sharing this. It makes us learn to appreciate those around us!
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  • Reply
    Kimmy
    August 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    Kimmy.
    You are one of my greatest inspirations ! My sisters Tracey and shelly and Tammy ! I have my 4 best friends and lee. You all are my inspiration and I’m rich with friends. I still have my note from Kay when she gave me a journal You and Kay have the greatest love relationship on earth and no one can take that away from you. Live you from the bottom of my heart !!

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    August 16, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    She sounds amazing. What a tragedy.
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  • Reply
    Sandra
    August 16, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    You’re amazingly talented girl.
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  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    August 16, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    Kim –

    What a happy and loving card. How joyous that you found it and that you could remember your sisters love in such a tangible way.

    So many of us believe in you! You have touched so many of us with your spirit and your writing. You bring your sister alive as well, thus she touches our lives and her life encourages us also.

    Think of how you have reached out to others, what you have done through your friendship. You are amazing !!

    Great Love, many hugs

    Val

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 18, 2012 at 3:31 pm

      Val,
      you are touching lives, as well. I thank God for you. Xx

  • Reply
    Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever
    August 16, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    I LOVE that card out LOUD! Kimmy, she was spectacular! I love Kay. Kisses, my dear heart! xoxox Jodi
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  • Reply
    Alison
    August 16, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    Such beautiful words (and handwriting). The gift Kay has given you, is a gift that keeps giving, yes?

    Now, we ALL believe in you. You can do it. xo
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  • Reply
    Solid gold creativity
    August 16, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    Very moved to read Kay’s words. What a giant. Your love for each other inspires me, Kim.

    My greatest encourager was my Auntie May who died in 2008 at the age of 92. Right until the very end she lived a life of love and courage and optimism. When I was going through a very bitter and painful time in my life she would somehow know exactly when I needed to hear from someone loving and she would call and tell me “I’m always here for you”.
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

      “”“I’m always here for you””””

      what grand, magical words to hear, Solid. Wonderful. Xxx

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    August 16, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Hi Kim, what a wonderful and self-less encourager your sister was and I’m so glad you have that beautiful handwritten card from her. I believe she has spoken prophetic words and you do have a story to tell and you will get that story published and you will dedicate that book to Kay. I wish you well for your journey from here to the book launch! xx
    Hotly Spiced recently posted..The GirlsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Hotly Spiced
    August 16, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Oh, and I tried to like you on FB to help me keep in touch but for some reason I couldn’t!
    Hotly Spiced recently posted..The GirlsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Monica
    August 16, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    OMG, Kim. Reading what Kay wrote to you gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes. In a horrible, horrible way she was right. Your writing has been used in a significant way–telling her story, keeping her alive, helping to make sure what happened to her doesn’t continue. You’re spreading the word, empowering women. You’re doing a world of good, Kim. Bless you, and your sister. She’ll always be there for you.
    Monica recently posted..The Land that Gaudí BuiltMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

      Dear Monica,
      Our pain MUST have purpose….

      Or it is all utterly meaningless.

      Love flowing to you. Xx

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    August 16, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    Kay is right, you know, Kim. I too think you are destined for fame. You are a superstar just waiting to happen. I hope you sent your story to Woman’s Home Journal. I used to feel slightly unreal when my Mom used to say wonderful things to me about what she believed were my talents – and it just goes to show how much we need someone to believe in us. Kay is in your heart and watching over you, inspiring you always.

    That card made me cry. For you and for me. Yesterday, I was going through one of my Mom’s diaries (oh, she wrote several). She would write thoughts, poetry, recipes, jokes, all together. And I found myself feeling so very sad to read the jokes on my own. Part of me knows I should be grateful to have lived with her throughout my life. But another part of me feels a little cheated that she was suddenly snatched away at 64.

    We can not turn the clock back. We can only cherish moments, and keep memories alive in our hearts.

    You know I always mourn with you. I love you, Kim. I so eagerly waiting for your book. Please publish it soon. Because I think there will be more, many more. You’re so gifted.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..FreedomMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 18, 2012 at 3:47 pm

      Vidya,
      you remind me of Kay in so many ways….

      perhaps this is why I love you so…

      Xxx

  • Reply
    Barbara @ Barbara Bakes
    August 16, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Thanks for the reminder how important it is to send cards and notes to those you love. In my electronic world I need to remember to do that.
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  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    August 17, 2012 at 1:29 am

    Kay was beyond insightful! Here’s to Kay! She knew that you would do wonderful things, and you are! Love and hugs t you darling Kim.
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
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  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    August 17, 2012 at 3:15 am

    That is heart wrenching. I can’t imagine how you felt reading that card Kim. You carry on through this with dignity and grace xxx
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 18, 2012 at 6:25 pm

      ~~~Lorraine,
      I have several cards by Kay.
      I hate to say this, but every day is pretty heart wrenching w/ out her.

      Love to you, Sweets.Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My HeartMy Profile

  • Reply
    Irene
    August 17, 2012 at 5:20 am

    My friend Janet sends me cards about how much she values our friendship! What I mean to her and how I effect her life. They’re precious to me. She is the sister I never had.

    Whenever you feel you don’t think you’ll ever amount to anything or lose faith in yourself, you read that card! It may make you cry again, but use it for strength! Because no one knew you better than Kay! And she knew you had the talent and inspiration to be a great writer!
    Irene recently posted..Remembering My Laundry HamperMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 18, 2012 at 6:27 pm

      Irene,
      I am SO HAPPY that you have a friend like that.

      I have several friends, but NO ONE will EVER be like Kay. I find that very sad.

      Love to you, Dearest. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My HeartMy Profile

  • Reply
    Adriana
    August 17, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Her love is transcendental… You inspire me.
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  • Reply
    Judit
    August 17, 2012 at 7:52 am

    I think we all will find our peace of mind and soul when we come to Lord. But we have to find it here in real life as well, so don’t get stuck in depression and demotivation, your life sounds to be really interesting, maybe you should focus on the future during these weary days!
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  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    August 17, 2012 at 8:30 am

    Why TJ of course! He inspired and encouraged me. He pushed me beyond what I thought were my limits. There was nothing that he thought I couldn’t do. I miss that, I miss that so much…..
    Sandy Webb recently posted..Separate……SeparationMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 18, 2012 at 6:30 pm

      Ohhh, I love that you had (have) TJ, Sandy. What a great Love you both have. X

  • Reply
    Tara
    August 17, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Kay’s right, you know. So many people gravitate towards your writing, and that’s because it’s compelling. As the artist, it’s hard to believe people are actually reading and appreciating your words, but they are Kim.

    And while I know you’d trade all of it just to have Kay back, she’s become the ultimate source for your writing. Your pieces on domestic violence have helped more people than you realize, and it’s become (in a way) your cause. Then there are the heartfelt pieces such as this one. Through your writing, you’re keeping Kay alive.

    It’s not for us to question God’s will. It’s just sometimes, His will is hard to swallow. But He’s working through you, Kim, whether or not you feel Him. Something tells me Kay’s working through you as well.

    Keep it up, lady! Love you!

    Tara
    Tara recently posted..True love waits.My Profile

  • Reply
    marie
    August 17, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Kay was definitely a treasure – these words she wrote to you are just the most beautiful ones. She believed in you and she was right Kim. You have talent, you touch hearts and this is rare.
    I would say my inspiration is my mum, even though we had times when we did not understand each other and have different ideas on some aspects of life, she is the one who believe I can make it, and her example shows me this every day too.
    Much Love Kim! xxx
    Marie
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  • Reply
    Joan
    August 17, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Dearest Kim- your blog can bring me to tears or make me laugh until I cry. How do you do that? To see the actual written words of your sister is so poignant. You will cherish that card always. Isn’t it amazing how quickly one can forget a voice, or a signature or a look? I have a card from my sister written not too long before she was killed. I will always have it. I also have a video of a family Christmas gathering the year before she was murdered. It is hard to watch but I do need to remember her voice and her mannerisms. Just reading your post and writing this has brought me to tears. Thank you for your beautiful writing.
    Joan recently posted..In the aftermath of mass shootingsMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 19, 2012 at 6:22 am

      Sweet, Joan,
      I have many things of Kay’s.
      I took everything…even all of her lipsticks.
      but mostly, I have her inside my heart.

      I thank you for your support, pro-active voice, and LOVE.

      You are one of my heros. Xxx Love.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My HeartMy Profile

  • Reply
    dad
    August 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Kay was a treasure, after you walked with her and talked with her you always felt better. She was so
    encouraging, not only to you Kim, but to every one. That was one of reasons she was loved so
    much. Oh by the way Kim, I always believed in you.
    Love You So Much
    Dad

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 19, 2012 at 6:23 am

      Daddy,
      Kay made everybody better than they were…

      I miss that.

      I love you more than 5 lions in the moonlight of Afrika. X
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My HeartMy Profile

  • Reply
    Feeling Beachie
    August 17, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    I want to give you a super big hug… because my words are not enough…
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  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    August 18, 2012 at 6:41 am

    I see why Kay loved Big Jugs and Jagger Lips. It’s great, Kim!!!! (Your post made me teary, but that made me laugh!)
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 19, 2012 at 6:25 am

      Jann,
      Kay told me she read it at work w/ her co-workers and they were laughing SO hard.

      I love that image of her (laughing)

      Love to you, Dearest Jann. X
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My HeartMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    August 18, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Where would we be in life without someone to believe in us? A lovely tribute to Kay.
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  • Reply
    mamawolfe
    August 18, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Isn’t the universe amazing…just when you least expect it, she sends you a message. So glad you have that memory to hold on to.
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  • Reply
    Unknown Mami
    August 18, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Your sister was and is right about you and your writing.
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  • Reply
    Michael Ann
    August 19, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Having a personal cheerleader like that—there is no feeling like it. I know we are supposed to all be our own cheerleaders, but most of can’t do it….we need someone else to see the best in us and help us to shine. I know she is still leading those cheers for you from above. And she was right about your writing.
    Michael Ann recently posted..Black Raspberry Cream PieMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 19, 2012 at 8:42 am

      Michael Ann,
      Yes. Kay is still cheering.

      I only WISH she were doing it from here…near…next to me. Xxx

  • Reply
    injaynesworld
    August 19, 2012 at 8:47 am

    My mother died when she was just 54 from cancer. I was only 23. She was always my biggest champion and I still feel her love around me and draw inspiration from it after 40 years. They really don’t leave us, but oh, how I would love to have her physical presence with me for just one single moment again.
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

      Jayne,
      54…So VERY Young. Sorry, dear.

      Yes. Always with us. ALWAYS. Forever.

      But -the thing is: I. Want. Kay. HERE! Now. Today.

      Love. Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Gravity On My HeartMy Profile

  • Reply
    Meiko Lucas
    August 20, 2012 at 3:02 am

    Hey! loved the post..! Loved the line ‘God has just begun to work on your life..’ Very thoughtful and inspiring :)!
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 21, 2012 at 6:57 am

      Meiko,
      thanks for reading. xx

  • Reply
    Jessica
    August 20, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    I believe that Kay is still your biggest cheerleader, believing in you every step of the way. xoxo
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 21, 2012 at 6:58 am

      Jessica,
      I do too. I really do. I can hear her voice. XXX

  • Reply
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles
    August 20, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    There’s nothing quite like unconditional love and support – someone in your camp who believes in you in a way that no one else has been able to show or tell. What a blessing. And how wonderful that you can hold these memories in your heart forever – including that gorgeous, telling card… Your writing is indeed being used in a very significant way – xo.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 21, 2012 at 6:59 am

      ~~~Dear, Kelly,
      that unconditional love is one of the things I miss the most. XXx

  • Reply
    Beverly Diehl
    August 21, 2012 at 9:28 am

    That card made me cry, too – you gotta buy stock in Kimberly-Clark before you put up posts like that, our use of Kleenex goes through the roof.

    I am blessed to have a number of fabulous friends and family members cheering me on, but I admit, a slight bit of jealousy I never had as close a bond to any of them as you had – STILL have – to Kay. Then again, it had to be strong, to last as long and as beautifully as it has.

    Love you, and as always, know you’ve touched so many hearts.
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  • Reply
    Ashleen Moreen
    August 21, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    Those were inspiring words!
    I love the details of the writings in the card. It really touched my soul.
    Sorry to hear about what had happened!
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 22, 2012 at 7:19 am

      Ashleen,
      thank you for reading <3

  • Reply
    Bella
    August 25, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    “Your writing is going to be used in significant ways…” Oh my. My dear Kim, by this time Kay has seen just how significant your writing has become. Your words of encouragement to battered women, your warnings, and the way you empower those who find themselves in situations of abuse are indeed a testimony of just how important your writing is. She knew it then and she knows it know. Because your words of sorrow bring us together. Because we feel your pain and want to be alongside you, trying to ease it any way we can. But more importantly, because your writing is an open book of the love between sisters–a love so strong, it transcend death. Yes, you are an example to us all. You teach us the importance of keeping the memory of our loved ones alive, long after their physical selves have left us. And you show us that love has no boundaries–it reaches high into infinity, to the wonderful place where beautiful souls like Kay reside. We feel the love, Kim, and so does she, my friend. May her words continue to encourage you to become the published author you are meant to be!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 26, 2012 at 8:01 am

      Bella,
      I cannot read your words w/out weeping.

      You are an angel on earth.

      Luv U. x

  • Reply
    Madhu
    August 27, 2012 at 3:24 am

    What a precious card!
    I am so sorry for your loss. Kay sounds like a remarkable woman. I have lost a sibling too – he was only 22 at the time – and know the pain. But to lose a sister under these circumstances is heart wrenching. I am glad her faith in you remains your inspiration. Take care and stay strong 🙂

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 27, 2012 at 6:29 am

      Madhu,
      so sorry to hear about your sibling. The pain is unbearable, isn’t it?

      For me, time will never heal…but I am learning to live w/ out my best friend.

      Xxx Love.

  • Reply
    (FL) Girl with a New Life
    August 27, 2012 at 8:01 am

    The first person to every really believe in me was my husband. Up until him I had learned how to sustain myself on disapproval. Now, with him encouraging me, I feel stronger than ever.
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  • Reply
    Nikky44
    September 23, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    I loved Kay’s card. She is wonderful. when I used to read your blog before, I used to feel as I am waiting for the end of my story. I used to try sometimes and guess how he might do it and get rid of me.
    Things are different now, and I know you are happy for me, but I can’t help feeling guilty. I do feel so guilty that i escaped and she couldn’t and it hurts and the struggle is not finished yet. Sometimes I wish he did end the pain. sometimes
    Nikky44 recently posted.."Playing The Game"My Profile

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