—There is before Kay and after Kay. Nothing more.—Kim Sisto Robinson
1. I’ve Learned
Not To Judge. NEVER.
There was this man who lost his wife from cancer on our soccer team. About 6 months later, we saw him at a local restaurant.
His hair was bleached blonde and long.
He had an earring in his ear. His
smile was unusual, not the same as before. I recall turning to Mr. Liverpool exclaiming, “Wow, that’s some weird shit.”
But now after Kay’s murder, I recognize and understand completely,
fully. This man had to create himself
again, become born again, redefine
himself again. He had to transform into
something utterly new and beautiful.
I wish I could see him again, hug him, tell him I have been
2. I’ve Learned Life Goes On. Even if you don’t
Even 2 years after Kay was executed, I am still lonely as hell, crazy, irrational,
sad, & howling at the moon……while others have already gone on with their
For example, they’ll say something like, “How are you?
Good? Getting better?”
And I’ll smile a plastic, flat smile, thinking “Fuck You.”
3. I’ve Learned Some Voids Will Never Fill
No matter how many chocolate chip cookies I make or how many
words I write or how many poems I read or how many times I recite the 23rd Psalm…
Kay is still gone
I can’t breathe when I think about it. I can’t cope when I think about it. I can’t live when I think about it.
Learned Chocolate & Wine Take Away The Edge.
At first, I drank a bottle of wine a day. I’d look at the clock and ask, “Isn’t it time
for wine yet? Isn’t it 5:00 yet?”
This wine fest lasted for one year strait.
The thing is, the pain never ceased, never left me.
Now I drink a few glasses with Dove chocolate.
At least, this takes
away the edge.
Oh, God, I despise that bastard edge.
5. I’ve Learned Love Never Dies.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the more we LOVE the more
we HURT when we lose our loved ones.
Even with all of this sorrowfulness, I shall never regret my
love for my sister. In fact, if I could have loved more, I would have. I would have.
I awaken still, with her cheek pressed against my cheek.
6. I’ve Learned God Speaks Through Poetry.
God continually speaks to me through the dead poets.
I recited the ee cummings poem, I Carry
Your Heart in My Heart, at Kay’s funeral.
And to my surprise, her jade stone is in row ee. at Oneota Cemetery.
7. I’ve Learned The Best Thing To Say To A Mourning Girl Is “I
DO NOT SAY: It will get better. Time will heal. I understand because my son is in college in Michigan. I know how you feel because I quite smoking
and I think of cigarettes every morning.
Just think of how you’d fill the
void if your sister were in China. God needed her. You’ll meet other sisters. What would Kay want you to do?
DO SAY: I love you.
I am here to mourn with you.
8. I’ve Learned Your Old Self Is Never Coming
As a kid, I remember my mother whispering something to my
dad about our neighbor who had lost her only child in a car accident.
“She has never been the same after that,” my mother whispered. “She is not herself.”
These great losses, unfortunately, become a huge part of
Sometimes when I meet somebody new, I am tempted to say:
“Hi, I’m Kim. My sister was murdered 2 years ago. I am only half a person now. Sorry.”
Learned God Lives.
If He did not, I’d be
dead by now. If he did not, I’d be lost now. If he did not, I’d have no purpose now.
10. I’ve Learned Evil Is Real.
I have observed it in
my own family. It ate at my dinner
table. It married my sister …. And it
stopped her heart from beating.
11. I’ve Learned There Is Light Inside
Sometimes, even thru
this thick darkness, I get an unexpected burst of joy & I wonder what plans
God has prepared for me.
Whatever it is: I am
I have nothing to be afraid of anymore.
~~~~~~~~Dear Reader, What have you learned from tragedy? Has it made you a stronger person?
—–My sister was murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson….. I shall scream out her story until I can scream no longer. No love was greater
~~~~Get Help NOW for Domestic Violence, Verbal Violence, Emotional Violence, Sexual Violence…..800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ Do Not Wait One. More. Day.