In Memory of Kay

11 Things I’ve Learned After Your Execution


There is before Kay and after Kay.  Nothing more.—Kim Sisto Robinson

 

1. I’ve Learned
Not To Judge.  NEVER.

 

There was this man who lost his wife from cancer  on our soccer team.  About 6 months later, we saw him at a local restaurant.
His hair was bleached blonde and long.
He had an earring in his ear.  His
smile was unusual, not the same as before.  I recall turning to Mr. Liverpool exclaiming,  “Wow, that’s some weird shit.”

 

But now after Kay’s murder, I recognize and understand completely,
fully.  This man had to create himself
again,  become born again, redefine
himself again.  He had to transform into
something utterly new and beautiful.

 

I wish I could see him again, hug him, tell him I have been
reborn, too.

 

 

2. I’ve Learned Life Goes On.  Even if you don’t

 

Even 2 years after Kay was executed,  I am still lonely as hell, crazy, irrational,
sad, & howling at the moon……while others have already gone on with their
lives.

 

For example, they’ll say something like,  “How are you?
Good?  Getting better?”

 

And I’ll smile a plastic, flat smile, thinking “Fuck You.”

 

 

3.     I’ve Learned Some Voids Will Never Fill
Up.

 

No matter how many chocolate chip cookies I make or how many
words I write or how many poems I read or how many times I recite the 23rd Psalm

 

Kay is still gone
gone gone.

 

I can’t breathe when I think about it.  I can’t cope when I think about it.  I can’t live when I think about it.

 

4.      I’ve
Learned Chocolate & Wine Take Away The Edge.

 

At first, I drank a bottle of wine a day.  I’d look at the clock and ask, “Isn’t it time
for wine yet?  Isn’t it 5:00 yet?”

 

This wine fest lasted for one year strait.

 

The thing is, the pain never ceased, never left me.

 

Now I drink a few glasses with Dove chocolate.

 

At least,  this takes
away the edge.

 

Oh, God, I despise that bastard edge.

 

 

5.      I’ve Learned Love Never Dies.

 

I’ve come to the conclusion that the more we LOVE the more
we HURT when we lose our loved ones.

 

Even with all of this sorrowfulness, I shall never regret my
love for my sister.  In fact,  if I could have loved more, I would have.  I would have.

 

I awaken still, with her cheek pressed against my cheek.

 

 

6.      I’ve Learned God Speaks Through Poetry.

 

God continually speaks to me through the dead poets.

 

I recited the ee cummings poem,  I Carry
Your Heart in My Heart
,  at Kay’s funeral.

 

And to my  surprise, her jade stone is in row ee. at Oneota Cemetery.

 

 

7.      I’ve Learned  The Best Thing To Say To A Mourning Girl Is “I
Love You.”

 

DO NOT SAY: It will get better.  Time will heal.  I understand because my son is in college in Michigan.  I know how you feel because I quite smoking
and I think of cigarettes every morning.
Just think of how you’d fill the
void if your sister were in China.  God needed her.  You’ll meet other sisters.  What would Kay want you to do?

 

DO SAY:    I love you.
I am here to mourn with you.

 

 

8.     I’ve Learned Your Old Self Is Never Coming
Back

 

As a kid, I remember my mother whispering something to my
dad about our neighbor who had lost her only child in a car accident.

 

“She has never been the same after that,”  my mother whispered.  “She is not herself.”

 

These great losses, unfortunately, become a huge part of
your identity.

 

Sometimes when I meet somebody new,  I am tempted to say:

 

“Hi, I’m Kim.  My sister was murdered 2 years ago.  I am only half a person now. Sorry.”

 

 

9.      I’ve
Learned God Lives
.

 

 

If He did not,  I’d be
dead by now.  If he did not,  I’d be lost now.  If he did not,  I’d have no purpose now.

 

 

10.     I’ve Learned Evil Is Real.

 

I have observed it in
my own family.  It ate at my dinner
table.  It married my sister …. And it
stopped her heart from beating.

 

 

11.     I’ve Learned There Is Light Inside
Darkness
.

 

Sometimes,  even thru
this thick darkness, I get an unexpected burst of joy & I wonder what plans
God has prepared for me.

 

Whatever it is:  I am
ready.

 

I have nothing to be afraid of anymore.

~~~~~~~~Dear Reader,   What have you learned from tragedy?  Has it made you a stronger person?

—–My sister was murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson….. I shall scream out her story until I can scream no longer.  No love was greater

~~~~Get Help  NOW for Domestic Violence, Verbal Violence, Emotional Violence, Sexual Violence…..800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ Do Not Wait   One.  More.  Day.

 

 

 

 

 


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114 Comments

  • Reply
    Debbie
    July 27, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Do you feel my long-distance hug, Kim? Hope so, for my prayers are with you. God surely does have a purpose for you. I won’t say Time heals all wounds; it doesn’t. I will agree with you that Love never dies. I agree that tragedy makes some of us stronger; some, weaker; all, changed. God bless you, dear one!
    Debbie recently posted..Look What They Did to our Trees!My Profile

  • Reply
    Kim @The G is Silent
    July 27, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Only two years? I thought it was longer. That’s yesterday. I don’t think tragedy makes us stronger at all. I think it makes us different. We see things, hear things, taste and smell things and handle things different. But I’m not stronger. I’m just adjusted.
    Kim @The G is Silent recently posted..What? This Can’t be Right.My Profile

  • Reply
    jen
    July 27, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    I so relate to so many of the things that you’ve written here. Most especially the identity thing- who we were and who we end up being after such a terrible loss. For a very long time after my kids died I felt like “jen the mother of dead kids” Ugh! Scream it from the rooftops if i could. It’s a hard thing my friend so I truly understand how you feel about your lovely sister since her murder.It was some years before I was able to integrate their loss into “me”, God how hard was that!
    Peace dear lady.
    jen recently posted..Destination vacation…My Profile

  • Reply
    Sandra
    July 27, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Hugs, wine and chocolate.
    Sandra recently posted..Tropical Delight – Guest Post on Cooking’s Good Vegetarian CafeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kimmy
    July 27, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Kimmy
    All I know of what you say and feel what your experiencing. I would never know unless I feel a loss and then it would be different for me. Your loss and pain are your own. You are adjusting in your own way but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’m just grateful you have the love and support of your family and friends which you do have the best! Kay will never be forgotten and always loved. So if I ask you how you’re doing you can answer me honestly because I respect how you feel and you don’t ever have to pretend with me. That’s what friends are for. Family and friends are life’s greatest treasures and love goes with it. I wear my Kay shirts from the walk so everyone can read it, esp. where there’s going to be a lot of people. You and Kay did not have the quantity of life you both wanted but you sure had the quality even though short. A lot of people don’t even know what that kind of love feels like. You were blessed to have that love. Cherish it always. I’m do thankful every say for my wonderful and loving family and friends. I’m with you threw thick and thin. I love you always and forever!! K

  • Reply
    Sammie
    July 27, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    awww Kim. So sorry to hear about this. It’s a sad story and I wish I could say I understand how you feel but I obviously don’t. So I just wanna say that I hope all is well and that time will heal your wounds slowly but surely. Take care and God bless. My prayers be with your family.
    Sammie recently posted..2-Ingredient CrepeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Choc Chip Uru
    July 27, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    You learn a lot from both the good and the worst events in your life but your attitude towards the teachings keep you strong my friend

    Hugs
    Uru
    Choc Chip Uru recently posted..CCU Undercover: Criniti’sMy Profile

  • Reply
    Marcella
    July 27, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    The picture of Kay is perfect, beautiful, angelic…. amazing!

    I am empathically, spiritually, bodily and any other “ly” you can speak, think, grumble, imagine, etc….sorry for the evil! …oh yes, that evil that comes in forms that hides while it is seeking to find…waiting to pounce….that evil in the same pursuit of seeking…this time without action, voice….but silently, stealthily….wait to maim and harm….it is a choice.

    I wonder if God was thinking about that EVIL when he was thinking and thinking and said, ” I know, I will bestow the gift of “FREE WILL” upon my precious creations….oh boy, that sure will be nice watching my creation choosing love……

    Better? Are you nuts? Better???

    I hate, hate, hate when someone states, “you are getting better”

    That is not your decision to make.

    I don’t want to get better.

    I want all the yuck, struggle, arrogance and I wish I had done this instead of that ….that BETTER was made of.

    I want BETTER back.

    I am not ready to leave what BETTER was – who of us who have lost not want what Better was?

    I would give anything to be so angry at my Husband, blood flowing over my lips from biting the buggers in frustration over not getting my way or him seeming incompetent to understand I have to have that Coach Bag that I can come up with all kinds of places where there is no money to find the money for WHAT I HAVE TO HAVE…..how can my husband not understand this?

    Then….be climbing into bed to go to sleep …. and, he gives me THAT look….

    I think “I so do not want to do this ritual right now” … because right from the beginning of our love for each other….we agreed. No matter what, or why, or how unhappy, dissatisfied or angry we were with the other….we would never, ever, ever, ever….. go to sleep without hugging each other and saying, “I love you!”

    Better is what life was made of before, yes?

    There is no getting better from BETTER….

    If I am getting BETTER….it means I am moving farther away from what the BETTER I loved, was

    I don’t want to leave the space of time of BETTER….

    I want BETTER back!

    Ding-dong’s

    Thank you, Kim, for allowing me to voice my definition of BETTER….

    In honor of your Kay…. in honor of my BETTER – I bleed for you, Kim, in my heart, just as I bleed for me.

    At this moment, my 35 year old niece is in ICU…critical…lungs only 10 percent without fluid filling them, kidney, and liver failure ~ Oh, know one will say this outloud, that is for sure…. from abuse. Not the kind that screams out loud…but the little, every day words of you are not worth it…. this is the best you will ever do…. with each tear shed, every opportunity given her to be little, she drowned herself, soothed her wounds, silenced the mental abuse in pills and alcohol. She drowned how little, how unworthy, how unvalid she was told she was..

    ….she didn’t recognize the abuse, or if she did, felt powerless to fight the words of not a lover, but of the community of adults given the precious, priceless gift of her to cherish and grow and provide the freedom of imagination to become who she might be ….

    ….it’s an ancestoral thing…. it is who those given the gift of her to care for….were taught by their clan of family to be.

    ….what choice can be made amongst those teachings? Become evil …maim and harm, execute the one we claim to love…or become small…and maim and harm and kill self?

    God save the children
    trapped in the game
    living in fear
    hiding the pain
    battered by devils
    screaming in vain
    feeling the wrath
    then doing the same
    ~ Steve Lynch ~
    in “Kids are Worth It” by Barbara Coloroso

    Thank you Kim, for providing this space to empathize with you, honor your Kay, and my own love…. for a place to talk of what abuse looks like ~
    God Bless you Kim, and Kay ~
    God Bless us all

  • Reply
    Dangerous Linda
    July 27, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Dear Kim,

    I love you. I am here to mourn with you.

    I have never suffered a tragedy that can remotely compare with the loss of your sister so I can’t tell you what I’ve learned. I learn from you every time we cross paths.

    XOXOX
    Dangerous Linda recently posted..friday momentMy Profile

  • Reply
    Valentine Logar
    July 27, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    My Dearest Friend

    We only change with great tragedy, we don’t grow or get stronger. We empty out sometimes over and over again. We rage, sometimes forever. We sink into despair, sometimes every day and then find one single thing that pulls us out and helps us to remember why we are supposed to take that next step forward toward something new, different and unknown.

    Kim, even when we despair we can also find joy. It doesn’t replace what was there before. It is simply new.

    I love you. I will always mourn with you.

    XXXXOOOXXX

    Val
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  • Reply
    Amy@SoulDipper
    July 27, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    I know I do not know.

    I only know how to be a listener.

    And ache in hope that you have even the odd nanosecond of relief.
    Amy@SoulDipper recently posted..Occupy Blogosphere – Thursday – July 26, 2012My Profile

  • Reply
    Irene
    July 27, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    What I’ve learned from tragedy is that you’re loved ones and closest people to you never stop caring.

    We all love you and mourn with you! Because we want you to know that we, too, feel your pain! And want to be there for you.

    Of course, no one wants to eat chocolate alone…..
    Irene recently posted..Penn State DebacleMy Profile

  • Reply
    Marcella
    July 27, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    LOVE….we can choose LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

  • Reply
    Red Dwyer
    July 27, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    You are far better than I, as when people ask me if I am getting better I bite, I am going to dig out your email address because I want to share something with you. It helped me to vent it because venting the negative emotions is the only way for the good emotions to backfill.

    And no, the hole never goes away. We do find better ways to straddle it so we are not constantly at the bottom of it…but no. It never goes away.

    I love you.
    I mourn with you.
    Red.
    xxx
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 29, 2012 at 3:13 pm

      Oooo, Red,
      For somebody to validate what I am saying is beautiful & empowering.

      ….Because I shall MOURN FOREVER. I shall cry forever. I miss forever.

      Love you Xx

  • Reply
    Michael Ann
    July 27, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    What you said about when you really love it never goes away…… that really hit me. Love is all we need, and what do you do when the love is taken away? Where does the love go? It doesn’t go anywhere. You continue to feel it and you continue to give it. You give it to Kay all the time, every minute of each day. What else can you do?
    Michael Ann recently posted..Chocolate Chip Orange SconesMy Profile

  • Reply
    The Bipolar Diva
    July 27, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    Love never does die. The pain never ends, it just changes. The stages of grief all pretty much suck. I wish I could hug you, I wish you could hug me, but one thing we do know is that we know the walk. I’ve come to learn that people say some really stupid things because they don’t know what to say, some are just insensitive assholes, but by and large they’re at a loss. They can’t imagine our pain and how we’ve changed, how our entire existence has changed. Love, hugs and kisses to you. Now lets open a bottle of wine and dig into that chocolate! Love you!
    The Bipolar Diva recently posted..ScaredMy Profile

  • Reply
    Solid gold creativity
    July 27, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    Dear Kim, I’m so sorry for the violence done to you and your family. I haven’t experienced a tragedy like yours. I know my mother has learnt a lot since my father’s death two years ago. She told me she had discovered she wasn’t who she thought she was.
    Solid gold creativity recently posted..The Monk and the HouseholderMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 29, 2012 at 3:24 pm

      ~~~~~Dear Solid,
      Interesting you’d say that about your mother…

      I have learned several things about myself, as well. You learn “Who You Truly Are.”

      This is good & bad at the same time.

      Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..11 Things I’ve Learned After Your ExecutionMy Profile

  • Reply
    Alison
    July 27, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    I love you, and I mourn with you for the loss of a beautiful soul.

    Sending you love, light, wine and chocolate.
    Alison recently posted..A Force of His OwnMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    July 28, 2012 at 1:43 am

    Kim, I love everything you’ve written here. It’s so wise. I especially like your point about having learned not to judge people. Pain and loss can make us far more compassionate… May every day bring you at least one small burst of joy!!!
    Sending boatloads of love from Sicily xxxxxxxxx
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  • Reply
    Gerde
    July 28, 2012 at 2:51 am

    So beautiful and deep words… It is such a positive thing that you’ve learnt some things from that terrible thing…
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  • Reply
    Tina Barbour
    July 28, 2012 at 8:51 am

    “I’ve learned God speaks through poetry.” I have learned that, too, and have turned to poetry, especially Mary Oliver, to help me through pain.

    I have not suffered a tragedy as difficult as yours, Kim. I’m not sure i would get through it and become a stronger person. The hard and painful times I’ve had and the losses I’ve experienced that brought me to my knees changed me, I know.

    I love you and mourn with you.
    Tina Barbour recently posted..A snippet of memoir: Making butterMy Profile

  • Reply
    totsymae
    July 28, 2012 at 9:05 am

    I could not understand your pain. I was missing my great-grandmother this week and cried. She lived out her days, unlike Kay. Kay’s life was interrupted and while the void is large, your heart is even bigger. You help people to see that it’s okay to grieve and to do so openly. To write through it even though you never get to the end. You’re always going through it and it does redefine those people who are left behind.

    Much love to you, Kimmy.
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  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    July 28, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Kim, I love you and mourn with you each time you hurt through a post, because that’s what I can read. I feel your hurt throughout this post. One day, I will come meet you, hold you close and visit Kay with you. Oh yes, tragedy has taught me lots of things. But mostly, to love. Love now. Not wait. The hurt never goes. My eyes stream every time I think of someone I’ve lost – and I’ve lost many very very close people to death, the most tragic being my Mom. I’ll never get over it. I know some people who know me think I am crazy – and you know what? They tell me to “move on”. How? That’s so ridiculous.

    Kim, you have a permanent place in my heart. But right now, I have tears in my eyes……I feel what you feel.

    Love, Vidya
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  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    July 28, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Kim, we love you and are here for you. Any time! I’m sorry that you had to learn these things this way though xxx
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  • Reply
    Debbie
    July 28, 2012 at 9:57 am

    I’ve learned Kim that love never dies, missing that person never goes away and to not ever sweat the small things anymore. And also to never judge…….I am human and sometimes forget that but it’s blogs like yours that hit me smack in the face and remind me. Much love to you my blogger friend…….
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  • Reply
    Liz
    July 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Thank you for the advice. I’m am the type that would put my foot in my mouth and say the wrong thing. But I know you don’t get over this…and it has changed your life forever. Keep spreading the word…you are doing something good from something so, so bad.
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  • Reply
    Emily
    July 28, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Poetry and love and openness and heartbreak.

    Your sister is so beautiful. And you are, too.
    Emily recently posted..First ImpressionsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Liz @ShiftlessMommie
    July 28, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    This is my first visit. Thank you for sharing your pain and helping others in their grieving process.
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  • Reply
    Pat Scattergood
    July 28, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Love you, Kim.
    Pat Scattergood recently posted..“…and the livin’ is easy.”My Profile

  • Reply
    Pamela
    July 28, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Internet hugs, Kim.

  • Reply
    Katy
    July 28, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    I cannot e-mail, speak on the phone, or see my sister in person without thinking about you – and Kim. I never end a conversation or correspondence without telling her I love her.
    Katy recently posted..Lust – Post 3My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      July 29, 2012 at 3:54 pm

      Katy,
      Oooo, I am so happy that you tell her you “Love Her.”

      that makes me smile. Xxx

  • Reply
    Natalie
    July 28, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    I am so sorry.

    I was able to get out of mine. I wish Kay had been able to get out of hers.

    I’m so, so sorry.

  • Reply
    Dad
    July 28, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    Kim, I will always miss Kay, always, always. Things that i have learned from her death, only that
    I’m not as tough as i thought i was. My heart will always be a little bit broken.
    Thank You KIm, I Love You
    Dad

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    July 28, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    I have learned that life goes on. Differently. Sort of. I am able to make more room in myself for grief than I thought possible. Much more room. And that it sucks.
    Hurting for you, hurting with you. As always.
    Elephant’s Child recently posted..Lucky, lucky, luckyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Stasha
    July 28, 2012 at 9:37 pm

    Evil is very real. And chocolate helps.
    Hugs Kim xo
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  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    July 29, 2012 at 2:15 am

    Darling Kim, you are truly the most remarkable and magnificent woman – your honestly touches my heart and soul like nothing else!
    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 29, 2012 at 4:53 pm

      Mandy,
      Love Love Love all the way to S. Africa <3 Xxxx

  • Reply
    Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever
    July 29, 2012 at 3:39 am

    I just love you and love Kim. One and the same.
    Love,
    Jodi xoxox
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 29, 2012 at 4:54 pm

      Beautiful.

      I sooo love that, Jodi. Xxxxx

  • Reply
    Ellen
    July 29, 2012 at 11:45 am

    I love you. I mourn with you.

    The E.E. Cummings/row ee synchronicity is beautiful.

    Tragedy does provoke change. It changed me, it changed my relationships, and it has changed my perceptions and beliefs.

    I love you. I mourn with you. xo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 29, 2012 at 4:58 pm

      Dear Ellen,
      you are a girl after my own heart <3 Xx

  • Reply
    Ashley K
    July 29, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    There are no words. I try to tell myself there’s more good in the world than bad. I actually say this out loud to myself at least once a week. I try very hard to believe it. Stay strong.
    Ashley K recently posted..The same old storyMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 30, 2012 at 8:12 am

      ~~~Ashley,
      there IS more good in the world…

      Our family just happened to be living w/ some bad.

      Thanks for poping over to read my mourning. X

  • Reply
    Ann
    July 29, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    Hugs to you always, Kim!

    I have learned that those who should be comforted….most often do the comforting…..and there is a beauty in that.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 30, 2012 at 8:13 am

      Ann,
      lovely to see your face <3 Miss you. xx

  • Reply
    Beverly Diehl
    July 30, 2012 at 5:59 am

    As compared to those who haven’t experienced tragedy, we have been tested, and we have survived (if not always particularly well). We have found ways to get through it, whether that is wine & chocolate or getting pierced and coloring our hair something wild.

    Sometimes I imagine what it must be like to be a person who *doesn’t* ache over losing a loved one, and, much as it hurts, I would never want to live in that skin. I wish I could give you back the moments of Kay’s cheek pressed next to yours.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 30, 2012 at 8:15 am

      ~~~Beverly,
      YES.
      I never want to lose this pain…if I do, somehow, it seems like I’d lose Kay again.

      Love Love love. for you and your wisdom. xx

  • Reply
    MARIE
    July 30, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Just sending my love Kim cause there are no better words than yours dear.
    XOXO

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    July 30, 2012 at 9:50 am

    You’ve learnt some tough lessons.

    I mourn with you, my friend.
    Lady Fi recently posted..On the beachMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    July 30, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Yes to born again. I am a completely different person now since losing TJ. I am not even sure that he would love who I am today. I do know though, that I am happy with who I have become for I know that I am a much, much better person.

    I agree with all 11 things! This is a great post Kim.

    And hey….. I love you!
    Sandy Webb recently posted..HurtMy Profile

  • Reply
    Gina
    July 30, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    First of all, I send a hug. It’s what I give my next door neighbor and close friend every time I see her (she lost her freshman in college aged son to suicide his first semester at Marquette). I’ve never experienced such devastation. People ask me all the time “how is she doing?” , “are they getting better?” and I get a bit pissy (although not trying too) because NO they aren’t getting better nor will they and she’s doing crappy but puts that smile on her face to make you feel better.

    I don’t have a sister so I can’t even imagine the depth here at all. I’m sorry.
    Gina recently posted..Love Anticipation: Decisions, DecisionsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 30, 2012 at 2:04 pm

      ~~~Gina,
      A hug is great.

      I remember a girl from school saw me at a restaruant afterwards and came up to me and Hugged me sooooooo tightly. She did not say ONE WORD….only a hug.

      It was enough.

      I agree, your neighbor will NEVER be better….. and how dare somebody ask if she is “better” when her son is GONE. Dead. Buried.

      I feel like telling people. “NO! I’m not better. My fucking sister was murdered, YOU IDIOT!”

      Give your neighbor a BIG hug from me. Okay?

      Xxx Kisses from Mn.

  • Reply
    Laci
    July 30, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    My thoughts and prayers are with you Kim. I have to say that I’m afraid that I might just punch someone in the face if they asked me how I was doing after such a tragic loss. Sreiously. Right in the kisser!! I’ve never lost anyone so close to me and cannot even imagine the pain that you must feel each and every day. I’m so so very sorry! We are all here for you. We all love and adore you and Kay. I hope you know that with each post you are helping so many people. God Bless You! Much love, Laci
    Laci recently posted..The Joys of Having a Teenage Daughter…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 31, 2012 at 8:03 am

      Laci,
      thank you, Laci, for supporting my madness <3

      how are you, dearest? xxx

  • Reply
    Brenda
    July 30, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    You are right, love never dies. You are loved by many here in this virtual space, and even more at home. As you count the days until you can Kay are together again, you know love surround you in heart, spirit, and wherever you go.
    Brenda recently posted..Call Me, Maybe?My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 31, 2012 at 8:03 am

      lovely.
      thank you, sweet sweet Brenda <3 Xxx

  • Reply
    Mary
    July 31, 2012 at 1:58 am

    Kim….

    Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was wrong. For some of us, “acceptance” is a dirty word. An unreachable, unknowable word. How could anyone “accept” the loss of someone who had so much more life to live, but didn’t? I can’t. Or maybe, just maybe… I won’t.

    I keep a copy of e.e. cummings “I Carry Your Heart” in my wallet. There’s one in the drawer of my bedside table and one on the inside of my kitchen cupboard door. I should probably laminate a copy and hang it on my shower wall, because that’s where I cry the most.

    I mourn for you and with you, Kim. Sending you much love and endless hugs.
    XOXO
    Mary
    Mary recently posted..Greek Chicken Salad and My First Guest Post!My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 31, 2012 at 8:07 am

      ~~~~~your words filled me up.

      Kay and I went to the movie, IN HER SHOES &
      I said “YOU must read that ee cummings poem at my funeral!”
      and she said “NO, you will read it at mine!”

      Well. you know what happened….

      Love to you, my dear Mary. xx

  • Reply
    Adriana
    July 31, 2012 at 10:15 am

    So I have prolonged my visit to this post I saw it when it went out live. But I hesitated because I was weak at the moment and I knew I would feel each word you are conveying. I am grateful to be part of this cyber sisterhood. One day we shall meet and we will laugh and cry. xoxo
    Adriana recently posted..Dog Days…My Profile

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    July 31, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Hope you’re having a good week!
    Blond Duck recently posted..Bitty’s Books and Bites: A Wrinkle In TimeMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 1, 2012 at 7:29 am

      You, too, Duck x

  • Reply
    Bridget
    July 31, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    All those pieces about what to say to someone in morning need only say this,”I love you.
    I am here to mourn with you.”

    I do. And I am.
    Bridget recently posted..WTF WednesdayMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 1, 2012 at 7:29 am

      Love. Thank you. Xx

  • Reply
    (FL) Girl with a New Life
    August 1, 2012 at 7:02 am

    These words of yours really struck me.

    “This man had to create himself
    again, become born again, redefine
    himself again. He had to transform into
    something utterly new and beautiful.”

    If tragedy has taught me anything it is exactly what you’ve already written in this paragraph.
    (FL) Girl with a New Life recently posted..Watch it this Weekend. About Face: SupermodelsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 1, 2012 at 7:30 am

      Dear FL,
      one is reborn….because for me, I CAN NEVER be who I once was Before Kay.

      LOve. xx

  • Reply
    Caroline
    August 1, 2012 at 10:41 am

    What a lovely list, Kim…you’re such a strong woman. Couldn’t agree more with everything you said…the wine definitely helps, you’re right. The part about the more we love, the more we hurt once it’s gone really rings true for me. Hugs to you. xx
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 1, 2012 at 11:45 am

      Caroline,
      thank you for reading my mourning pages.

      I do not feel strong…but I’m surviving <3

  • Reply
    injaynesworld
    August 3, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    Thank you for writing this. While I’ve not experienced the loss by murder of a loved one, a good friend of mine did last year. She lost her sister to a gunshot, the trigger pulled by her sister’s own son. The one-year anniversary is coming up and I want to do something to acknowledge this difficult time for her. This piece helps me understand what surely must be some of her own feelings, as well. I will remember to tell her that I love her.
    injaynesworld recently posted..injaynesworld we are "Still Haunted By It…"My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      August 3, 2012 at 6:54 pm

      Yes,
      do tell her you love her, Jayne <3
      I shall never be the same w/out my dear sister. NEVER.

      Xxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Just 12 ThingsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Aurora HSP
    August 3, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    Screaming loudly right behind you forever more. xo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 5, 2012 at 7:56 am

      (((( I HEAR YOU !!)))))) Xxxx

  • Reply
    Rosalind Smith-Nazilli
    August 5, 2012 at 3:17 am

    My heart goes out to you. I have a friend who lost her sister in the same circumstances and although life goes on, as of course it must, something has died in her and her other sister and mother.

    There are no words. Stay strong my friend.x
    Rosalind Smith-Nazilli recently posted..Six Sentence SundayMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 5, 2012 at 7:58 am

      ~~~Dear Rosalind,
      Yes.
      Something dies…and it shall never be filled up until we meet again..

      I looke forward to that day w/ pleasure.

      Thanks for reading my mourning. x

  • Reply
    Pamela Skjolsvik
    August 14, 2012 at 6:24 am

    If you’d like to talk about your sister on my blog, I’d love to have you. You commented on Jennifer’s post yesterday.

    Pamela
    http://www.thedeathwriter.blogspot.com

  • Reply
    Nikky44
    September 16, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    I love you xxxxxxxxx
    Nikky44 recently posted.."Playing The Game"My Profile

  • Reply
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