Today is a horrible day.
wanting to get out of bed day. A
missing my sister day. A not being able
to escape reality day.
I hold on by
a slight string. I hold my breath, wondering if it may fracture and split me
I’ve been bleeding for way to long.
792 days to be exsact.
I hold on by writing words, by baking chocolate chip cookies, by dying my
But far too often there is only loneliness,
nothingness, hopelessness, sadness-
And one question lingers in my mind…
Why did you kill my sister?
Why couldn’t you have killed only yourself? WHY?
Or better yet,
L I V E D.
I never liked you.
From the very first meeting.
I should have stopped you from entering our lives,
seeping inside our home like a kind of insidious negativity that overflowed
into every gap.
I should have known who you were from the beginning,
should have screamed and roared and jumped up and down in rebellious fury.
I should have broken all of your fingers so you
couldn’t pick up a gun.
I should have wrapped your mouth with duct tape to
end your belittling, demeaning, poisonous,
I should have…I should have. I should have done so many things.
But I stood silent.
Oooh, God, Ooooh,
Silence is a
K I L L E R
A Crusher of souls.
The first time I saw your face, somehow I knew
I knew…as a cat recognizes storms and catastrophes
You know, the way her hair stands elevated upon her
back, the way she hisses a warning.
I remember vividly when you visited our old white
house on 65th. and Kay calling me into the kitchen excitedly– “Well, Kimmy, what do you think of him?”
like a monster,” I replied.
That’s what I said. Did she ever tell you?
You never left after that night. You hung around
like a substanceless depthless entity.
You– Took. Took. Took.
You even sucked up the fucking air.
You expected everything… but gave nothing.
You were obsessed with a sixteen year old girl who
would eventually become your Lolita….Somebody you could mold and shape and
manipulate into your own private puppet.
Remember when Kay tried to leave you the first
And you sat outside our house for hours upon hours.
You simply sat like a predator, a stalker, a black lingering blur, Kafka’s
Taking up space.
Mom and I continued looking out the front window- and
there you were….
Waiting. Watching. Planning.
You always had a plan.
I wish you would have died then. Died from the
fumes of your car…..your own toxic breath.
I know that sounds terrible, but I’m sp tired of
lying, pretending, hoping, feeling sorry for you, and praying that someday you might change.
Why didn’t you leave Kay alone–
Find somebody else to put you back together again?
Find somebody else to make you feel whole, unbroken?
Kay’s love overflowed into the universe like
oxygen. You tried to take it all. Absorb
it all. Steal it all.
She was the best thing that ever happened to you….The
best part of you.
And she was Everything to me.
Interlaced into my veins, my heart, my soul, my
blood, the root of my root.
Didn’t you give a damn that your son would find both
of you sprawled out on the tiled floor…
Are you in Hell? Are you Burning up?
I hope not.
I truly hope not.
Because even after all of this unbearable pain, all
of these shadows, this loneliness….I still feel sorry for you.
Still think there is hope for you.
But not with Kay.
Not with Kay.
She is finally free of you, the very essence of
And that’s all she ever wanted.
“I feel a burst of Joy,” she told me a few weeks
before you murdered her. “Just knowing I
won’t be with him anymore.”
She’s not with you.
Perhaps this is your Hell, Mike.
…Living without her, not being able to touch her,
control her, manipulate her, crush her spirit.
Yes. This is
your true Hell.
My Soul Mate, Kay, was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010. The Mourning Never Ends.
~~~~Get Help NOW for Domestic Violence, Verbal Violence, Emotional Violence, Sexual Violence…..800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ Do Not Wait One. More. Day.