What Dies Inside

—-“Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside while we live..”—-



–It’s rather odd, I know, but I’ve been thinking about you
all day long-


…like a sort of burning sensation traveling thru my body.


Like a sort of love and hate and indifference strung
together with black indistinguishable pearls.


I awoke remembering it was your birthday.


March 31st.


I remembered.


I don’t know why.


I just did.


And it hurt me, stung me, made me feel physical pain.


Deep Inside.


I thought about how Kay used to invite us all over for
chocolate cake, vanilla ice-cream, and marinated grilled chicken.


How she used to make you blow out all of your candles.


“You did it!”  she’d
scream.  “Now make a wish.”


How she’d try to compensate for your anti-social


“Well, are you going to say thank you for the gifts,” she’d say.


How she’d run round the house trying to please everybody.


“Do you want more coffee?
Can I get you some salad?  Take mooore
cake.  We’re not going to eat it all.”


You sat there.  Just sat


Why were you nothing when you could have been something?


A husband.

A father.

A human being.


You had  e v e r y t h i n g.


Three outstanding sons.


And you had  my sister–


You son-of-a-bitch.


You had the kindest, gentlest woman I’ve ever known.




Today I remembered  it
was your birthday.


&  I felt unspeakably sad for you.


So fucking sad that you remained unchanged—


After so many years of

love.  love.   love.


And I felt sorry for your mother.


Knowing she’d awaken sad, too.


Heart-wrenchingly, horridly sad that today is her son’s birthday


But she can’t call him.


Can’t see him.


Because he’s dead and buried—

& decided to take Kay with him, as well.  He took so many of us with him…….


Mike Peterson Murdered my sister, Kay, on May 26, 2010.   We thought he’d change, but he never did.  Today is his birthday……Will you say a prayer for his mother, please? I hear she is having a very hard time.


Click here to Donate to The Kay Marie Sisto Memorial Walk {Sunday, May 20th on the Waterfront Trail @ 1:00.}

Click here to Look At  Last Year’s Walk

pink lips Xxx

Get Help for Domestic Violence…..800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.


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106 Responses to What Dies Inside

  1. Liz says:

    You are an amazing person.
    Liz recently posted..Win a Copy of “Drift” by Rachel MaddowMy Profile

  2. Kimberly says:

    I don’t know if I could have ever written this.
    But you are right, that b-hole took a lot of people with him that day. I will definitely pray for his family.
    And for you. Lots of strength.
    Love you like mad
    Kimberly recently posted..Secret Mommy-hood Confession SaturdayMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      I couldn’t have written this one year ago……believe me.

      Love flowing to Canada from MN. Xxx

  3. Ann says:

    Kim – what a loving person you are to remember his mother. She will be in my prayers. You. are. amazing. Hugs always.
    Ann recently posted..Creme Caramel Pudding SquaresMy Profile

  4. Rebecca says:

    How sad. It must have been both painful and cathartic to write. The saddest part of this is that he took your sister with him. I could say so many things about this selfish action but will not. It angers and I’m a stranger so I can only imagine how you feel. It’s so compassionate of you to think of his mother on this day. God bless.. …

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:


      I say many things about him…
      he was a VERY selfish man.

      And sometimes I do not believe he was a man at all….

      thank you for reading my mourning… Xx

  5. jen says:

    kim, love your honest and open heart.
    jen recently posted..Achoo, pardon me while I sneezeMy Profile

  6. Katy Clark says:

    So many broken hearts, shattered dreams and empty arms. I shall pray for both families –
    Katy Clark recently posted..Barium – It’s What’s For BreakfastMy Profile

  7. ed pilolla says:

    beautiful kay. rest in peace.
    ed pilolla recently posted..Here’s My New AddressMy Profile

  8. Carrie says:

    I will pray for his mother; it must be so extremely difficult for her. Your sister reminds me of Jackie O. Has anyone else ever said that? So very beautiful, from what I’ve read here; inside and out.

    God bless you Kim, you are in my thoughts often.

  9. Monica says:

    Kim, It takes a lot to do what you’re doing. To be thinking of his mother in the midst of your grief, well, you are a remarkable, compassionate woman. Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes, my dear.
    Monica recently posted..And I Quote: On Tributes & LossMy Profile

  10. Joan says:

    Why do they always want to take others with them?
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  11. It’s amazing just how many days and birthdays and occurrences bring you back to the same tragedy. I am so sorry. It seems like each day has a connection, doesn’t it?
    Big hugs to you

  12. Lady Fi says:

    You have such a compassionate heart!
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  13. Vidya Sury says:

    So sad when these memories stay clear. You’re a good person Kim. And such a kind one. Love for you.

    I understand. Hugs and kisses.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..The Birds and the TreesMy Profile

  14. Kim..what a big heart you have ….To think of his mother and request for prayers for her! I will pray for healing for both families. Loving you…
    Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..Polishing My MirrorMy Profile

  15. Kim, you are an amazing woman!
    Love from a cool SA.
    :-) Mandy xo
    Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..Courgette TartletsMy Profile

  16. totsymae1011 says:

    I can see Kay doing all of those things you mentioned. How tough it must be for everyone that one person can cause so much damage and break so many hearts. Yes, I’ll pray for his mother and family. Your heart is big to make this request.

    Hugs to you.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Thank You, Tots. I believe in the POWER of prayer.

      ——- isn’t it amazing how ( one decision) can change so many lives?

      He hurt so many people for so many years.

      Love for you. Xx

  17. How beautiful… and you are amazing that you wanted us to pray for his mother.. It is funny, when I read about him and your sister, I never once gave thought that he had a family too, and what his mother must be going through….

    Sending you hugs…
    Feeling Beachie recently posted..Can you teach an old cat new tricks?My Profile

  18. Dad says:

    Kim, I Didn’t remember his birthday, just because i didn’t care. He never meant anything to me,
    it was like he was nothing. When we were around him he had a way of making things a little bit
    worse or sad or even depressing. But i do forgive him only because God forgave me.
    Theres an old saying (DIEING IS EASY IT’S LIVING THATS HARD)
    Love You So Much

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:


      I know.

      He could have been so much more…but he ended up being a MURDERER.

      I love you more than all the chocolate in the world. Xxx

  19. Ellen says:

    Prayers for his mom, for Kay, for you, and even – yes – even for him. xoxo

  20. Kim, I think this is the first time you’ve written about him, or at least in such detail. What a powerful and haunting piece…
    Hugs to you.
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..Ode to the OrangeMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      this is true. the first time.

      I had another blog all planned out…. and then awakened w/ that deep pain…
      thus, I changed my post.

      So Ironic….
      ….since I’ve been despising everything about him for so damn long.

      Many Kisses…Xxx

  21. Mamawolfe says:

    Sending you peaceful hopes for today.

  22. Tia says:

    You amaze me! I love you!!!

  23. Mercy says:

    I looooooove you!

  24. Debbie says:

    Kay, It’s so sad that there are so many victims in this. Too sad. You are very kind to remember his mom and ask for prayers for her. Prayers and peaceful thoughts are coming your way.
    Debbie recently posted..Asian Pasta with ShrimpMy Profile

  25. Debbie says:

    Oh stupid me…..I’m sorry…I meant to write Kim……

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      ~~~~Actually, people did this all the time….

      We were that close.

      Do not feel stupid or badly. Xxx

  26. You’re amazing for thinking of his poor mother. I’m thinking of you. xo
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Blog Bash Winners!My Profile

  27. Sending love your way and Mike’s mom’s way too ~

    hugs, xo

  28. Bella says:

    Kim, how kind and compassionate you are! Your heart is big, lady, and the fact that you’re able to think of this man’s mother, or her pain, is just another step of the healing process. I can’t even imagine what this mother must feel. I would think that this day must be one filled with angst and regret. We can only pray that the good Lord will grant her serenity and conformity. As for you, bless you for your compassion. Surely this is what makes you the extraordinary person you are. I am proud to call you a friend. Hugs and kisses for you.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      If I am extraordinary in any way…

      it is because I know people like you…who encourage and inspire me. Xxxxx

  29. I cannot imagine, if my son did something like this, how I would feel. Besides shattered. Probably ask myself, over and over again, what I could have done differently. Surely I could have done something differently, right, I was his mother.

    Sending love and prayers to his mother, to his sons, and to you, dear lady.
    Beverly Diehl recently posted..A-Z: Atlas Obscura – Weird and WonderfulMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Thank you for your thought provoking comments (always).

      His mother, I have heard, is taking this quite badly.

      ….and I am sure she is saying over and over again: WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

      Xxx Love.

  30. Laci says:

    Bastard, Fucking Bastard. Is it wrong to have such strong feelings for someone you have never met? Because I do. Bastard.

    Bless you Kim for making it through each day. You are an inspiration.
    Laci recently posted..April 1st is More Than April Fools DayMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Not Wrong, Laci.

      I’ve been screaming “fucking bastard son-of-a-bitch” for 23 months now.

      Xxx Love to you, sweets.

  31. This was touching and yes, I will pray for his mother because she’s the one who lost someone who chose to be unredeemable. How that must have broken her heart – he chose.
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  32. Adriana says:

    sending you all my love. a mothers love. how much heartache and sadness. as a mother we cant help but wonder.
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    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –A mother’s love.

      Yes. No love is greater…Is It?

      Thank you for all of your kindness, words, & inspiration, Adriana. Xxx

  33. We love you Kim xxx
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  34. nikky44 says:

    That makes me cry. Your words are full of love, the sad love I talked about. You can always touch my heart with what you write. Maybe because I am living it? Maybe because I know you care, but mainly because I am sure that you understand. You understand more than anyone else can, because you know how Kate reacted and why, you know what she has been through, and now SHE knows how strong you are and she is so proud of you.
    If you remembered his birthday, it’s because Kate wanted you to. She remembered it to from where she is, and whispered that in your ears while you were sleeping. She wanted you to write that post to say I forgave, please forgive so that you can be free and heal.
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  35. Gut wrenching, heart hurting for and with you. And yes, you are a truly wonderful person to remember his mother in the midst of the pain he caused.
    Hugs from afar.

  36. jodi aman says:

    I will say a prayer for his mother. And kay and the boys… with love, Jodi
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  37. Anna says:

    So heartbreaking! Your thoughts for his mother are unbelievable. Remain strong and passionate! I am with you! Hugs!
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  38. Lady E says:

    Dear Kim, your compassion humbles me.
    You have a big and beautiful heart. xxx
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  39. Stasha says:

    You are a beautiful and compassionate woman. Hugs!
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  40. lisa says:

    Kim the fact that you can hold compassion for someone who has taken so much from you and others, speaks volumes about you as a person. You are truly amazing. Sending prayers out to all.
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  41. Irene says:

    I’ve thought about that aspect of all this….his side of the family. I hope they’re grieving just as much. And realize what a bastard their son was.
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    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Dear Irene,
      I know they are grieving ….

      This is what I know for sure…I also know they loved their son…

      And I know this…
      I Shall
      MOURN FOREVER for my sweet sister.

      xxx Kisss for you.

  42. Tomorrow, in my meditation, beautiful Kim, I am going to send you a golden blanket to wrap yourself in when the pain feels unbearable. It’s golden light is healing…you are beautiful and deserve healing from anything that may hold you back from truly being alive.

    You’ll be able to do that when you are ready. When it’s your time.

    The best revenge is to live a whole, loving and vital life yourself. Don’t give him the power to kill two sisters!

    I want love and beauty and goodness for my sister while I am alive and I have reason to believe that desire is even stronger when souls move to the other side.
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    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      your words are just that:

      “A golden blanket.”

      thank you for wrapping that around me…


  43. marie says:

    What a beautiful heart you have Kim, so rare, so true.
    Because you are Love, only Love can drive your life. Thinking about this woman who lose her son and live with the madness of the past, my prayers go to her………….and Kay, to you and your family, to the ones who stay behind with scars, pain and tears only love can heal.
    Much love.xx

  44. Brenda says:

    Sending love on the wings of doves.
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  45. You are amazing. Sending lots of hugs and love your way.
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  46. Kelley says:

    When I realized you were talking about Mike, I had to start back over to absorb your words again. I’m sad for his mom, too. It was nice of you to mention her. She is beyond devastated, I’m sure, that her son would do something so horrific.
    Kelley recently posted..The whale that makes me wailMy Profile

  47. Julie says:

    THat’s so beautiful that you pray for his mother… I can’t picture myself that I would mention the mother of the murder of my sister in a context like yours. You are such a great person!
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  48. Liz says:

    Opening your heart for his mother shows how compassionate you are…you are an inspiration.
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  49. joann mannix says:

    You are so kind. So very kind. I will say a prayer for his mom. And for you. And your sweet sister, that she is watching over you, in a wonderful place, happy and peaceful until the day you will be united again.
    joann mannix recently posted..Bullies—A Personal AccountMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      this is truly what spurs me forward…


      Knowing this is not my home & that one day I will be with Kay once again in Paradise.

      Xxx Kiss

  50. Laura says:

    ”Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while we live..” Oh, honey, I am thinking of you. Your words really got me thinking.
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  51. I have said many prayers for her now. That the weight she must carry as a mother be lifted. That Jesus hold her and soften her pain.
    Another powerful and haunting message. Too many dates have taken on new meaning. I am always so sorry for your loss. I wish I knew her!
    Xoxo and so many hugs.
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  52. Pamela says:

    I will pray for his mother, and for you, and for Kay. It is so hard to understand why, and I know on his birthday, you and his mother were asking the same questions.


    I am so sorry.
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