—-”Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while we live..”—-
–It’s rather odd, I know, but I’ve been thinking about you
all day long-
…like a sort of burning sensation traveling thru my body.
Like a sort of love and hate and indifference strung
together with black indistinguishable pearls.
I awoke remembering it was your birthday.
March 31st.
I remembered.
I don’t know why.
I just did.
And it hurt me, stung me, made me feel physical pain.
Deep Inside.
I thought about how Kay used to invite us all over for
chocolate cake, vanilla ice-cream, and marinated grilled chicken.
How she used to make you blow out all of your candles.
“You did it!” she’d
scream. “Now make a wish.”
How she’d try to compensate for your anti-social
personality.
“Well, are you going to say thank you for the gifts,” she’d say.
How she’d run round the house trying to please everybody.
“Do you want more coffee?
Can I get you some salad? Take mooore
cake. We’re not going to eat it all.”
You sat there. Just sat
there.
Why were you nothing when you could have been something?
A husband.
A father.
A human being.
You had e v e r y t h i n g.
Three outstanding sons.
And you had my sister–
You son-of-a-bitch.
You had the kindest, gentlest woman I’ve ever known.
Anyways,
Today I remembered it
was your birthday.
& I felt unspeakably sad for you.
So fucking sad that you remained unchanged—
After so many years of
love. love. love.
And I felt sorry for your mother.
Knowing she’d awaken sad, too.
Heart-wrenchingly, horridly sad that today is her son’s birthday…
But she can’t call him.
Can’t see him.
Because he’s dead and buried—
& decided to take Kay with him, as well. He took so many of us with him…….
Mike Peterson Murdered my sister, Kay, on May 26, 2010. We thought he’d change, but he never did. Today is his birthday……Will you say a prayer for his mother, please? I hear she is having a very hard time.
Click here to Donate to The Kay Marie Sisto Memorial Walk {Sunday, May 20th on the Waterfront Trail @ 1:00.}
Click here to Look At Last Year’s Walk
Xxx
Get Help for Domestic Violence…..800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/
You are an amazing person.
Liz recently posted..Win a Copy of “Drift” by Rachel Maddow
Love flowing your way, Liz. X
I don’t know if I could have ever written this.
But you are right, that b-hole took a lot of people with him that day. I will definitely pray for his family.
And for you. Lots of strength.
Love you like mad
xoox
Kimberly recently posted..Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday
~~~Kimberly,
I couldn’t have written this one year ago……believe me.
Love flowing to Canada from MN. Xxx
Kim – what a loving person you are to remember his mother. She will be in my prayers. You. are. amazing. Hugs always.
Ann recently posted..Creme Caramel Pudding Squares
Ann,
thank you for praying.
You are beautiful. X
How sad. It must have been both painful and cathartic to write. The saddest part of this is that he took your sister with him. I could say so many things about this selfish action but will not. It angers and I’m a stranger so I can only imagine how you feel. It’s so compassionate of you to think of his mother on this day. God bless.. …
Rebecca,
I say many things about him…
he was a VERY selfish man.
And sometimes I do not believe he was a man at all….
thank you for reading my mourning… Xx
kim, love your honest and open heart.
jen recently posted..Achoo, pardon me while I sneeze
–Jen,
How kind of you to read my mourning. & weeping..
Xxx
So many broken hearts, shattered dreams and empty arms. I shall pray for both families -
Katy Clark recently posted..Barium – It’s What’s For Breakfast
O, Katy,
so many empty arms…
but someday I shall wrap my arms around Kay once again. Xxx
beautiful kay. rest in peace.
ed pilolla recently posted..Here’s My New Address
Beautiful Beautiful Kay…
almost too beautiful for earth…
Xxx
I will pray for his mother; it must be so extremely difficult for her. Your sister reminds me of Jackie O. Has anyone else ever said that? So very beautiful, from what I’ve read here; inside and out.
God bless you Kim, you are in my thoughts often.
Yes.
Jackie O. for sure.
But most people told her she looked like JLo. xx
Kim, It takes a lot to do what you’re doing. To be thinking of his mother in the midst of your grief, well, you are a remarkable, compassionate woman. Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes, my dear.
Monica recently posted..And I Quote: On Tributes & Loss
Monica,
thank you for reading, encouraging, commenting, and caring. Xxxxx
Why do they always want to take others with them?
Joan recently posted..A country tired of George Zimmerman
Joan,
because they are ASSHOLES and SELFISH and MEAN.
xx
see you soon, dear.
It’s amazing just how many days and birthdays and occurrences bring you back to the same tragedy. I am so sorry. It seems like each day has a connection, doesn’t it?
Big hugs to you
xo
Dear Flying,
each day….every day…
for the rest of my life.
Xxx
You have such a compassionate heart!
Lady Fi recently posted..There’s snow business like snow business…
Lady Fi,
I’m trying…it’s hard as hell. xx
So sad when these memories stay clear. You’re a good person Kim. And such a kind one. Love for you.
I understand. Hugs and kisses.
Vidya Sury recently posted..The Birds and the Trees
Vidya,
I’d love to Skype w/ you sometime.
I know you!
Xx
Kim..what a big heart you have ….To think of his mother and request for prayers for her! I will pray for healing for both families. Loving you…
Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..Polishing My Mirror
Loving you back, Corinne. Xxx
Kim, you are an amazing woman!
Mandy xo
Love from a cool SA.
Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..Courgette Tartlets
I feel your heart beating from South Africa, M. xx
I can see Kay doing all of those things you mentioned. How tough it must be for everyone that one person can cause so much damage and break so many hearts. Yes, I’ll pray for his mother and family. Your heart is big to make this request.
Hugs to you.
Thank You, Tots. I believe in the POWER of prayer.
——- isn’t it amazing how ( one decision) can change so many lives?
He hurt so many people for so many years.
Love for you. Xx
How beautiful… and you are amazing that you wanted us to pray for his mother.. It is funny, when I read about him and your sister, I never once gave thought that he had a family too, and what his mother must be going through….
Sending you hugs…
Feeling Beachie recently posted..Can you teach an old cat new tricks?
Beachie,
He hurt MANY…including his own family.
Xx
Kim, I Didn’t remember his birthday, just because i didn’t care. He never meant anything to me,
it was like he was nothing. When we were around him he had a way of making things a little bit
worse or sad or even depressing. But i do forgive him only because God forgave me.
Theres an old saying (DIEING IS EASY IT’S LIVING THATS HARD)
Love You So Much
Daddy
Dear.daddy,
I know.
He could have been so much more…but he ended up being a MURDERER.
I love you more than all the chocolate in the world. Xxx
Prayers for his mom, for Kay, for you, and even – yes – even for him. xoxo
~~~~Ellen,
Thank you, dearest.
Xx Kisssss
Kim, I think this is the first time you’ve written about him, or at least in such detail. What a powerful and haunting piece…
Hugs to you.
Jann Huizenga recently posted..Ode to the Orange
Jann,
this is true. the first time.
I had another blog all planned out…. and then awakened w/ that deep pain…
thus, I changed my post.
So Ironic….
….since I’ve been despising everything about him for so damn long.
Many Kisses…Xxx
Sending you peaceful hopes for today.
Mama,
I feel you hope. Xx
You amaze me! I love you!!!
And I love you, too, Tia. Xx
I looooooove you!
xxxxxo
Not more than I love you, dear African Queen. Xx
Kay, It’s so sad that there are so many victims in this. Too sad. You are very kind to remember his mom and ask for prayers for her. Prayers and peaceful thoughts are coming your way.
Debbie recently posted..Asian Pasta with Shrimp
Oh stupid me…..I’m sorry…I meant to write Kim……
Debbie,
~~~~Actually, people did this all the time….
We were that close.
Do not feel stupid or badly. Xxx
You’re amazing for thinking of his poor mother. I’m thinking of you. xo
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Blog Bash Winners!
–Thank you, Mama A.
Thank you for reading my mourning-weeping-mourning-weeping…. xxx
Sending love your way and Mike’s mom’s way too ~
hugs, xo
Kelly,
Much Love Pouring out to YOU. Xx
Kim, how kind and compassionate you are! Your heart is big, lady, and the fact that you’re able to think of this man’s mother, or her pain, is just another step of the healing process. I can’t even imagine what this mother must feel. I would think that this day must be one filled with angst and regret. We can only pray that the good Lord will grant her serenity and conformity. As for you, bless you for your compassion. Surely this is what makes you the extraordinary person you are. I am proud to call you a friend. Hugs and kisses for you.
~~~~Bella,
If I am extraordinary in any way…
it is because I know people like you…who encourage and inspire me. Xxxxx
I cannot imagine, if my son did something like this, how I would feel. Besides shattered. Probably ask myself, over and over again, what I could have done differently. Surely I could have done something differently, right, I was his mother.
Sending love and prayers to his mother, to his sons, and to you, dear lady.
Beverly Diehl recently posted..A-Z: Atlas Obscura – Weird and Wonderful
Beverly,
Thank you for your thought provoking comments (always).
His mother, I have heard, is taking this quite badly.
….and I am sure she is saying over and over again: WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
Xxx Love.
Bastard, Fucking Bastard. Is it wrong to have such strong feelings for someone you have never met? Because I do. Bastard.
Bless you Kim for making it through each day. You are an inspiration.
Laci recently posted..April 1st is More Than April Fools Day
Not Wrong, Laci.
I’ve been screaming “fucking bastard son-of-a-bitch” for 23 months now.
Xxx Love to you, sweets.
This was touching and yes, I will pray for his mother because she’s the one who lost someone who chose to be unredeemable. How that must have broken her heart – he chose.
nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..Life Interruptus
~~~~ I know you will pray.
Thank you, my sweet, sweet Nan. XXx
sending you all my love. a mothers love. how much heartache and sadness. as a mother we cant help but wonder.
Adriana recently posted..Spy Games…
–A mother’s love.
Yes. No love is greater…Is It?
Thank you for all of your kindness, words, & inspiration, Adriana. Xxx
We love you Kim xxx
Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..The Hunger Games’ Lamb Stew with Dried Plums
Not more than I love you, Lorraine. Xxx
That makes me cry. Your words are full of love, the sad love I talked about. You can always touch my heart with what you write. Maybe because I am living it? Maybe because I know you care, but mainly because I am sure that you understand. You understand more than anyone else can, because you know how Kate reacted and why, you know what she has been through, and now SHE knows how strong you are and she is so proud of you.
If you remembered his birthday, it’s because Kate wanted you to. She remembered it to from where she is, and whispered that in your ears while you were sleeping. She wanted you to write that post to say I forgave, please forgive so that you can be free and heal.
nikky44 recently posted..April’s fool day!
~~~~~Nikki,
I cried reading this..
because I KNOW this is exsactly what happened.
I know this to be true.
Your words moved me, moved me, moved me.
Because they are true. Xxxx Many Kisses
Much love and prayers Kim <3
Nikky44 recently posted..April’s fool day!
Gut wrenching, heart hurting for and with you. And yes, you are a truly wonderful person to remember his mother in the midst of the pain he caused.
Hugs from afar.
~~~~Elephant’s Child,
I have missed you.
Hoping you are well. Xxx
I will say a prayer for his mother. And kay and the boys… with love, Jodi
jodi aman recently posted..Who Put that Ego In My Way?
~~~~jodi,
this is appreciated.
i believe stongly in the POWER of prayer.
Xxx Kiss
So heartbreaking! Your thoughts for his mother are unbelievable. Remain strong and passionate! I am with you! Hugs!
Anna recently posted..A great place to go to: a cosmetic dentist london
Anna,
HUGS Back.
Thank you for your kindness.X
Dear Kim, your compassion humbles me.
You have a big and beautiful heart. xxx
Lady E recently posted..Tremor
Lady E.
I am trying,
but it is hard as hell to be compassionate sometimes.
Xx
Heartbreaking.
(FL) Girl with a New Life recently posted..City Girl Turned Country: Swiss Chard & Parmesan Corn Bread
FL.
Thanks for visiting my mourning / morning pages. x
You are a beautiful and compassionate woman. Hugs!
Stasha recently posted..Monday Listicles
Stasha,
Hugs directly back to you, dear. X
Kim the fact that you can hold compassion for someone who has taken so much from you and others, speaks volumes about you as a person. You are truly amazing. Sending prayers out to all.
xo.
lisa recently posted..Memories of Winter, Signs of Spring
Lisa,
One. Day. At. A. Time.
Thank you, Sweet Girl. Xx
I’ve thought about that aspect of all this….his side of the family. I hope they’re grieving just as much. And realize what a bastard their son was.
Irene recently posted..Password Please.
Dear Irene,
I know they are grieving ….
This is what I know for sure…I also know they loved their son…
And I know this…
I Shall
MOURN FOREVER for my sweet sister.
xxx Kisss for you.
Tomorrow, in my meditation, beautiful Kim, I am going to send you a golden blanket to wrap yourself in when the pain feels unbearable. It’s golden light is healing…you are beautiful and deserve healing from anything that may hold you back from truly being alive.
You’ll be able to do that when you are ready. When it’s your time.
The best revenge is to live a whole, loving and vital life yourself. Don’t give him the power to kill two sisters!
I want love and beauty and goodness for my sister while I am alive and I have reason to believe that desire is even stronger when souls move to the other side.
Amy@souldipper recently posted..We Can Only Learn To Love By Loving – Rumi
~~~Amy,
your words are just that:
“A golden blanket.”
thank you for wrapping that around me…
Xxx
What a beautiful heart you have Kim, so rare, so true.
Because you are Love, only Love can drive your life. Thinking about this woman who lose her son and live with the madness of the past, my prayers go to her………….and Kay, to you and your family, to the ones who stay behind with scars, pain and tears only love can heal.
Much love.xx
–Marie,
thank you for continually visiting my mourning pages. Xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..What Dies Inside
Sending love on the wings of doves.
Brenda recently posted..Heartburn
Thank you, B.
I see the doves outside my window… Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..What Dies Inside
You are amazing. Sending lots of hugs and love your way.
Stacy Uncorked recently posted..Princess Nagger and the Ruptured Eardrum
–Stacy,
And I hug you right back Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..What Dies Inside
When I realized you were talking about Mike, I had to start back over to absorb your words again. I’m sad for his mom, too. It was nice of you to mention her. She is beyond devastated, I’m sure, that her son would do something so horrific.
Kelley recently posted..The whale that makes me wail
~~~Kelley,
I have a feeling his mother feels as I do ( in a way )..
that her life is much much much LESS…
xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..What Dies Inside
THat’s so beautiful that you pray for his mother… I can’t picture myself that I would mention the mother of the murder of my sister in a context like yours. You are such a great person!
Julie recently posted..dental implants
No.
–Not Great…
Just trying to survive, Julie. <3
My Inner Chick recently posted..What Dies Inside
Opening your heart for his mother shows how compassionate you are…you are an inspiration.
Liz recently posted..Double Caramel Brownies~
–Liz,
I do hope so…
because it’s been hard as HELL <3
thank you Xx
You are so kind. So very kind. I will say a prayer for his mom. And for you. And your sweet sister, that she is watching over you, in a wonderful place, happy and peaceful until the day you will be united again.
joann mannix recently posted..Bullies—A Personal Account
Joann,
this is truly what spurs me forward…
Knowing….
Knowing this is not my home & that one day I will be with Kay once again in Paradise.
Xxx Kiss
”Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while we live..” Oh, honey, I am thinking of you. Your words really got me thinking.
Laura recently posted..Only one night until our London getaway!!!
~~Laura,
thanks for dropping by my Mourning Pages <3 x
My Inner Chick recently posted..What Dies Inside
I have said many prayers for her now. That the weight she must carry as a mother be lifted. That Jesus hold her and soften her pain.
Another powerful and haunting message. Too many dates have taken on new meaning. I am always so sorry for your loss. I wish I knew her!
Xoxo and so many hugs.
Wild Child Mama recently posted..Creepy Cat Lady
–Dear K,
You would have loved her <3
thank you for your many prayers….
I believe in the POWER of prayer.
xx Kissssssssssssssss
My Inner Chick recently posted..What Dies Inside
I will pray for his mother, and for you, and for Kay. It is so hard to understand why, and I know on his birthday, you and his mother were asking the same questions.
Why.
I am so sorry.
Pamela recently posted..Alert: Do not read this post if you need a PG-13 rating
~~~Pamela,
Yes.
I’ve been asking ((WHY)) more times than I want to remember.
Love to you. Xx