What Dies Inside

—-”Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside while we live..”—-

 

 

–It’s rather odd, I know, but I’ve been thinking about you
all day long-

 

…like a sort of burning sensation traveling thru my body.

 

Like a sort of love and hate and indifference strung
together with black indistinguishable pearls.

 

I awoke remembering it was your birthday.

 

March 31st.

 

I remembered.

 

I don’t know why.

 

I just did.

 

And it hurt me, stung me, made me feel physical pain.

 

Deep Inside.

 

I thought about how Kay used to invite us all over for
chocolate cake, vanilla ice-cream, and marinated grilled chicken.

 

How she used to make you blow out all of your candles.

 

“You did it!”  she’d
scream.  “Now make a wish.”

 

How she’d try to compensate for your anti-social
personality.

 

“Well, are you going to say thank you for the gifts,” she’d say.

 

How she’d run round the house trying to please everybody.

 

“Do you want more coffee?
Can I get you some salad?  Take mooore
cake.  We’re not going to eat it all.”

 

You sat there.  Just sat
there.

 

Why were you nothing when you could have been something?

 

A husband.

A father.

A human being.

 

You had  e v e r y t h i n g.

 

Three outstanding sons.

 

And you had  my sister–

 

You son-of-a-bitch.

 

You had the kindest, gentlest woman I’ve ever known.

 

Anyways,

 

Today I remembered  it
was your birthday.

 

&  I felt unspeakably sad for you.

 

So fucking sad that you remained unchanged—

 

After so many years of

love.  love.   love.

 

And I felt sorry for your mother.

 

Knowing she’d awaken sad, too.

 

Heart-wrenchingly, horridly sad that today is her son’s birthday

 

But she can’t call him.

 

Can’t see him.

 

Because he’s dead and buried—

& decided to take Kay with him, as well.  He took so many of us with him…….

 

Mike Peterson Murdered my sister, Kay, on May 26, 2010.   We thought he’d change, but he never did.  Today is his birthday……Will you say a prayer for his mother, please? I hear she is having a very hard time.

 

Click here to Donate to The Kay Marie Sisto Memorial Walk {Sunday, May 20th on the Waterfront Trail @ 1:00.}

Click here to Look At  Last Year’s Walk

pink lips Xxx

Get Help for Domestic Violence…..800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

In Memory of Kay

106 comments

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      ~~~Kimberly,
      I couldn’t have written this one year ago……believe me.

      Love flowing to Canada from MN. Xxx

  1. Rebecca says:

    How sad. It must have been both painful and cathartic to write. The saddest part of this is that he took your sister with him. I could say so many things about this selfish action but will not. It angers and I’m a stranger so I can only imagine how you feel. It’s so compassionate of you to think of his mother on this day. God bless.. …

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Rebecca,

      I say many things about him…
      he was a VERY selfish man.

      And sometimes I do not believe he was a man at all….

      thank you for reading my mourning… Xx

  2. Carrie says:

    I will pray for his mother; it must be so extremely difficult for her. Your sister reminds me of Jackie O. Has anyone else ever said that? So very beautiful, from what I’ve read here; inside and out.

    God bless you Kim, you are in my thoughts often.

  3. totsymae1011 says:

    I can see Kay doing all of those things you mentioned. How tough it must be for everyone that one person can cause so much damage and break so many hearts. Yes, I’ll pray for his mother and family. Your heart is big to make this request.

    Hugs to you.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Thank You, Tots. I believe in the POWER of prayer.

      ——- isn’t it amazing how ( one decision) can change so many lives?

      He hurt so many people for so many years.

      Love for you. Xx

  4. Dad says:

    Kim, I Didn’t remember his birthday, just because i didn’t care. He never meant anything to me,
    it was like he was nothing. When we were around him he had a way of making things a little bit
    worse or sad or even depressing. But i do forgive him only because God forgave me.
    Theres an old saying (DIEING IS EASY IT’S LIVING THATS HARD)
    Love You So Much
    Daddy

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Dear.daddy,

      I know.

      He could have been so much more…but he ended up being a MURDERER.

      I love you more than all the chocolate in the world. Xxx

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Jann,
      this is true. the first time.

      I had another blog all planned out…. and then awakened w/ that deep pain…
      thus, I changed my post.

      So Ironic….
      ….since I’ve been despising everything about him for so damn long.

      Many Kisses…Xxx

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Debbie,
      ~~~~Actually, people did this all the time….

      We were that close.

      Do not feel stupid or badly. Xxx

  5. Bella says:

    Kim, how kind and compassionate you are! Your heart is big, lady, and the fact that you’re able to think of this man’s mother, or her pain, is just another step of the healing process. I can’t even imagine what this mother must feel. I would think that this day must be one filled with angst and regret. We can only pray that the good Lord will grant her serenity and conformity. As for you, bless you for your compassion. Surely this is what makes you the extraordinary person you are. I am proud to call you a friend. Hugs and kisses for you.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      ~~~~Bella,
      If I am extraordinary in any way…

      it is because I know people like you…who encourage and inspire me. Xxxxx

  6. I cannot imagine, if my son did something like this, how I would feel. Besides shattered. Probably ask myself, over and over again, what I could have done differently. Surely I could have done something differently, right, I was his mother.

    Sending love and prayers to his mother, to his sons, and to you, dear lady.
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    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Beverly,
      Thank you for your thought provoking comments (always).

      His mother, I have heard, is taking this quite badly.

      ….and I am sure she is saying over and over again: WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

      Xxx Love.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Not Wrong, Laci.

      I’ve been screaming “fucking bastard son-of-a-bitch” for 23 months now.

      Xxx Love to you, sweets.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –A mother’s love.

      Yes. No love is greater…Is It?

      Thank you for all of your kindness, words, & inspiration, Adriana. Xxx

  7. nikky44 says:

    That makes me cry. Your words are full of love, the sad love I talked about. You can always touch my heart with what you write. Maybe because I am living it? Maybe because I know you care, but mainly because I am sure that you understand. You understand more than anyone else can, because you know how Kate reacted and why, you know what she has been through, and now SHE knows how strong you are and she is so proud of you.
    If you remembered his birthday, it’s because Kate wanted you to. She remembered it to from where she is, and whispered that in your ears while you were sleeping. She wanted you to write that post to say I forgave, please forgive so that you can be free and heal.
    nikky44 recently posted..April’s fool day!My Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Dear Irene,
      I know they are grieving ….

      This is what I know for sure…I also know they loved their son…

      And I know this…
      I Shall
      MOURN FOREVER for my sweet sister.

      xxx Kisss for you.

  8. Tomorrow, in my meditation, beautiful Kim, I am going to send you a golden blanket to wrap yourself in when the pain feels unbearable. It’s golden light is healing…you are beautiful and deserve healing from anything that may hold you back from truly being alive.

    You’ll be able to do that when you are ready. When it’s your time.

    The best revenge is to live a whole, loving and vital life yourself. Don’t give him the power to kill two sisters!

    I want love and beauty and goodness for my sister while I am alive and I have reason to believe that desire is even stronger when souls move to the other side.
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    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      ~~~Amy,
      your words are just that:

      “A golden blanket.”

      thank you for wrapping that around me…

      Xxx

  9. marie says:

    What a beautiful heart you have Kim, so rare, so true.
    Because you are Love, only Love can drive your life. Thinking about this woman who lose her son and live with the madness of the past, my prayers go to her………….and Kay, to you and your family, to the ones who stay behind with scars, pain and tears only love can heal.
    Much love.xx

  10. Kelley says:

    When I realized you were talking about Mike, I had to start back over to absorb your words again. I’m sad for his mom, too. It was nice of you to mention her. She is beyond devastated, I’m sure, that her son would do something so horrific.
    Kelley recently posted..The whale that makes me wailMy Profile

  11. Julie says:

    THat’s so beautiful that you pray for his mother… I can’t picture myself that I would mention the mother of the murder of my sister in a context like yours. You are such a great person!
    Julie recently posted..dental implantsMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Joann,
      this is truly what spurs me forward…

      Knowing….

      Knowing this is not my home & that one day I will be with Kay once again in Paradise.

      Xxx Kiss

  12. I have said many prayers for her now. That the weight she must carry as a mother be lifted. That Jesus hold her and soften her pain.
    Another powerful and haunting message. Too many dates have taken on new meaning. I am always so sorry for your loss. I wish I knew her!
    Xoxo and so many hugs.
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