In Memory of Kay

Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ Sucks


 

“My feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but I shall go on living.”    –Pablo Neruda

 

 

–“If you’re not improved soon, you’ll need additional help,
”Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ says.

 

He smiles thru empty
eyes, heartless eyes.

 

Eyes that tell me he’s done this, said this, observed this,
hundreds of times before.

 

Eyes that tell me he has a ham sandwich waiting for him in
the back room, a phone call to make, another appointment to be at.

 

Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’
must have gone blind long ago, because he has no empathy or compassion.

 

He does not see me.

 

He’s all business & I’m one of his case studies.

 

He converses as if he’s reading directly out of  a psychiatric text book.

 

“Kim, what do you want?”

 

“I want my sister back.”

 

He shakes his head as if I’m a moron.

 

“She’s not coming back.”

 

That’s all he says.

 

He quickly glances at his watch.

 

I can’ t stand this man.

 

I want to tell him he doesn’t know nothing, nothing,
nothing.

 

And I swear to God,

 

He finally says,
“Kim,  you know what?  Today is a gift.  A sweet gift.
That’s why it’s called the present.”

 

I want to tell him, Hey, Dumb Ass, did you type that cliché
on your Facebook status this morning?

 

I watch him grab a tablet off his desk.

 

He begins scribbling circles.

 

An ‘A’ for negative thinking and a ‘B’ for
positive thinking.

 

“What you’re doing here, Kim, is called  Stinkin’
Thinkin’.

He points to the ‘A’ circle.

 

I want to scream,  What
did you expect;  sunshine and lollipops?

 

My sister was
murdered by the man who ate Christmas Dinner with us for 29 years.

 

And I’m abundantly sad
about that.  I’m fucking lonely lonely lonely  without my best
friend.

 

Sometimes I can’t get out of bed.

 

Still.

 

It’s been Hell :::
Hell :::  Hell.

 

Still.

 

Why don’t you listen and stop drawing fucking circles?

 

I want to tell him that mourning never ends.

 

It’s merely born into one’s existence.

 

It intertwines into one’s mind and body like blood flowing
through veins,

 

like roots twisting through dreams.

 

I want to tell him he’s the biggest asshole I’ve ever encountered.

 

Perhaps, I’ll send him this blog.

 

–Dear, Readers: have you ever experienced mourning?  if so,  how did you go forward?  writing.   blogging.   GOD.   family.  Therapy.  Wine.

 

My Sister, Kay, was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  Darkness Fell upon The earth.  The sun glitters differently now.

 

FYI: Kay’s Memorial Walk / Run is on May 20–on the Waterfront Trail.  More info to come….

800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

In Memory of Kay

CLick for help if you are being physically abused, verbally abused,

emotionally abused, belittled, diminished, finacially abused,

sexually abused, or  minimized in any way…pink lips Xxx


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120 Comments

  • Reply
    CB
    March 2, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    crying, drugs, dreams of the departed, cosmic coincidences, good people, sunshine, time.
    CB recently posted..Paisley DeedsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    March 2, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    I go on with the help of everything you stated above.You are loved.
    And like an addict in recovery all we can do is try hard… day by day.
    Love ya. Have an awesome weekend.
    Adriana Iris recently posted..About Perception…My Profile

  • Reply
    Lola
    March 2, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    Wow! I’m outraged for you!! What an asshole!
    If you are in a profession like health care and you find that you no longer CARE, there’s only one solution…
    GET THE FUCK OUT!

    Hope he choked on his ham sandwich.
    Lola recently posted..Ass FaceMy Profile

  • Reply
    Linda Medrano
    March 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    Kim, time will ease your suffering. It sounds trite but it’s true. Don’t worry too much about taking medications that will maybe ease you back into being Kim. There will never be a day that you don’t miss Kay. There will never be a time that you don’t wish this had never happened. But the day will come when you can feel whole again. God bless you, Sweetheart.
    Linda Medrano recently posted..My New Hannibal Lecter ChairMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 3:43 pm

      Sweet Linda,
      My medication is writing all of this darkenss down…

      I don’t think I shall ever be whole w/ out Kay, but I will go forward.

      Love 4 u. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    March 2, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Oh sweetheart. We have never met, we probably will never meet but I am grieving with you and for you. Of course you still ache with every fibre of your being. You always will.
    Your reality is different now. There is a large hole which is more than filled with grief, anger and guilt. When you are ready you will find a way to move forward. But the anger, the grief, the guilt and the loneliness will come with you.
    Hugs from afar.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 3:48 pm

      Dear e,
      I find it quite sad that we shall never meet…

      because I have a feeling I’d really dig you. Thank you for your lovely, insightful words. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Dad
    March 2, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    Yes Kim, I have been mouring with you for just about two years.
    Love You
    Dad

  • Reply
    Amy
    March 2, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    DUMP HIM. DUMP HIM. DUMP HIM. DUMP HIM. . .if you haven’t already.

    HE IS THE **WORST** THERAPIST I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. . .and I’ve seen heaps of them. This guy is either is either suffering from the most hellacious case of burn out I’ve ever seen or he’s really in the wrong business.

    We don’t always have to LIKE our therapists. One of my best EVER routinely pissed me off. . .but it was a PRODUCTIVE pissed off. This man offers you nothing.

    No therapist has the ability to “fix” anything. But the best ones have the ability to point out to us all that we have available to us AT THE TIME and make productive use of it. . .move us forward, even in the deepest of our sorrows, they help us use the tools we have (limited though they are at the time) to keep living, breathing. . .until we’re ready to take a tiny step forward (and then a few back), then another and another. The big steps? They may never come. But a GOOD therapist will not set any time limits on your suffering.

    Please, ditch this guy. Find someone with some compassion and some know how and who knows better than to utter such INFANTILE CRAP to an intelligent, sensitive, feeling, thinking woman.

    Stinkin’ thinkin’? Well all I can say is he’s “f***ing sucking” as a therapist.

    LOVE YOU, LADY! XOXOX

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

      Amy,
      He Stinks Stanks Stunk.

      I saw him 3 times. Even then, I knew he had NO empathy or kindness.

      Just a Jack Ass w/ who probably needs therapy himself.

      Luv Ya.

      How are you, My dear Amy? XX
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Corinne Rodrigues
    March 2, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Kim – I’ve never lost someone to close to me – and of course not in this most brutal manner, so I don’t know how I’ll ever deal with that. But I think each of us finds our own way of coping and you, my dear friend, are using your grief to be a very strong voice against abuse.
    As for Mr Stinkin’ Thinkin’ he can go put his head in the toilet bowl and flush himself away!!
    Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..Comparison: The Thief of JoyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    March 2, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    What beautiful and powerful writing, Kim. You had me on the verge of tears, and then I read your dad’s comment, and out they spilled. Your therapist thinks you can do away with grief with a couple of circles and the power of positive thinking? Seems to me he’s never lost someone he’s loved. (I would have crumpled up that paper with the Venn diagram and thrown it at him. Grrr.)
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..Voyeuristic MeMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 4:03 pm

      —–Jann,
      You know what?
      That’s what I thought.
      This guy hasn’t lost ANYBODY close to him…and here he is telling me what to do & how to think, and how long to mourn.
      I will stop mourning one day: Yes. When Kay and I unite once again…

      Much love flowing to you this very moment. Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Beverly Diehl
    March 2, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    For me, the analogy I use to grieving is being in deep water at the beach, and (if you’re like me) you don’t swim very well.

    At first you’re in over your head. You think you might actually drown, but after a lot of flailing, and choking down a lot of water, you find a place where your feet touch the bottom and your head is above water – mostly. You fight your way slowly, slowly towards the beach, but there are still many times when waves break over your head, when you are gasping for breath and flailing.

    Time passes. You’re a little closer to the shore – maybe the water is only shoulder deep now. Still the waves can lift you off your feet, shake you up, knock you down; still they can break over your head, drag you backwards.

    Eventually, you get to being waist deep, maybe even knee deep. But you’ll never be all the way out of the water. Even in the best of times, your feet will be wet, waves swirling ankle-high or more from time to time.

    It sucks when we lose people we love, for whatever reason. I will never stop missing my mom, who died of breast cancer on my tenth birthday. My heart aches for your loss in having your sister brutally STOLEN from you and your family. {{{hugs}}}
    Beverly Diehl recently posted..Who Could Live Without the Super-Soaker? Or Potato Chips?My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

      —–Beverly,
      What a Superb, Honest way to describe mourning.
      I really loved what you had to say here.

      …..you know what? When I write, I feel as if I am walking to shore…

      But sometimes… I am drowning.

      Thank you for you words. I appreciate them FULLY. XXx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Liz
    March 2, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    sending love
    Liz recently posted..Be the Woman Your Granddaughter Will Read About SomedayMy Profile

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    March 2, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    So many loved ones lost, and my best friend, my Mom, also gone. Mourning is continuous at a different level as we continue to go through life and try to be nice about everything. And then, it hits us like an avalanche, and depending on the state of mind we’re in, we recover…to go on. I’ve tried my best to deal with my losses by remembering the good things, but it is so hard. So damn hard. There are things some people just won’t understand. They don’t get it why we can’t just “move on.”

    I agree, it is very hard to “move on” when the sun shines different. Limp on, is more like it. I miss my mother every day. Easy for Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ to advice – but then he’s only doing his job.

    Hugs. Love ya Kim. You. Know. It.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..Can Our Assumptions Turn To Limiting Beliefs?My Profile

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    March 2, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    The biggest loss that I’ve had in my life was my grandma. She passed from cancer. I was able to be with her when she passed…that gave me closure.
    What happened to your sister impacts you immensely not only because she was loved by you dearly but because of the horrific tradgey. You didn’t get to say goodbye and you’re left with the gruesomeness of what happened. That is difficult for any soul to digest in a wink of an eye.
    Your doctor, while has a point about the present, is not listening to you. There is a difference between hearing and listening.
    You need someone that is going to guide you through this journey to recovery.
    Can you get someone different?!
    Love you so much girl.
    Kimberly recently posted..This Is My OntarioMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

      Oh, Kimberly,
      I saw him 3 times….I couldn’t stand him.

      He had NO IDEA or understanding…..but you know what,
      most people don’t…..

      They are going on w/ their lives, and I am not.
      ….that’s really what’s happening here.

      Love you, 2
      How is your gall-bladder?
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Ann
    March 2, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    Wow – that was very powerful and very sad. I wish I could tell you magic words, but I suspect everyone struggles differently.

    When darkness came to me, I huddled in the glow of my husband, family and friends. …then one day I got the spark back and now I glow, too.

    Sending you love and light, my friend….I wish it was enough.

    ~A
    Ann recently posted..Soy Sauce ChickenMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm

      —-Ann,
      Everybody is mourning Kay differently.

      It is hard to move forward….but I am trying. You see, we did everything together. Everything. Kay was the best friend I EVER had.

      Without Mr. L, my family, God, & friends…I would
      have parished long ago. That is a fact.

      Love Love love.

      So proud of you for adding your “Real Life” w/ your recipes. XXX

  • Reply
    Michael Ann
    March 2, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    He smiles through empty, heartless eyes…. I have seen this before.

    What Beverly wrote…..wow.

    Thinking of you and always praying for you and your family.
    Michael Ann

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    March 2, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    Ugh, that man sounds like the worst of the business. You deserve someone much better than a guy that draws you diagrams-that’s a most clinical way to deal with something as heart wrenching and raw as you have! xxx
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..Win 1 of 5 Game Of Thrones Packs!My Profile

  • Reply
    Monica
    March 2, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    I lost both my parents in the space of four months. That was 18 years ago but it feels like it was yesterday. My children were very young at the time and it saddened me that they would never know their grandparents. So I began to fill our home with photos of them. I bought pretty frames and display pictures of them everywhere, in every room there’s at least one photo. To remind me of them, to keep them close, but also so that my children would at least know them this way.

    Writing also helped me, and so did keeping busy. But one cannot forget the healing power of time. Yes, time helped me. Recovering takes time. It hasn’t been that long for you and Kay was taken from you in such a shocking way. The run is a great way to honor her and I’m glad you’re turning your grief into something positive by doing the run and by helping others who are experiencing abuse. I’m sending you lots of hugs, Kim!
    Monica recently posted..Save the Pony Express!My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

      Monica.
      I am sorry about your parents. How difficult to not have parents.

      I love the idea of photos through out the house.

      I have Kay all over the place…..I shall keep her w/ me always.

      thank you for your beautiful words.

      Yes. Writing is great medicine. It has saved me in many ways. Xx Kissssss
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    March 3, 2012 at 12:03 am

    Run, Kimmy, Run!

    Okay, you know what? “He quickly glances at his watch.” That is when I would have gotten up and walked out, telling him I wouldn’t be back. He obviously doesn’t have “time” to do his job, much less do it well. If he has a time limit on your heavy grief, then he is a poopy head who needs to change his diaper and get a fresh perspective.
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..As Time Goes ByMy Profile

  • Reply
    Karen Sosnoski
    March 3, 2012 at 5:22 am

    You deserve so much more empathy than that, someone who truly listens like one of your other readers said. I don’t know how I would cope if I were you–it seems to me you are coping amazingly, reaching out, doing your best to make sense of a loss that doesn’t. I continue to be so sorry for all you’ve lost, so inspired by your will and ability to forge connections in the wake of that loss. Sending love as always.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 4:26 pm

      Oh, Karen,
      thank you for saying that…
      sometimes I feel as if I am drowning.

      When I write, I rise above the water.

      Xxx So much love to you.

  • Reply
    Hilary
    March 3, 2012 at 7:00 am

    I think you need to find a new doctor… he sounds like an ass – sorry…

    My dad passed away when I was 14. I didn’t have much to help me cope. My mom brought me to a dr, but I refused to speak. And he didn’t try to hard to make me (guess he was an ass too). It is so hard to lose someone so close to you from natural causes, i can’t imagine how hard it is to know that the loss was from anything but… But, whatever helps you get through the day, that is what you need to do, your sister would want that…
    Hilary recently posted..They share one brain, my boysMy Profile

  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    March 3, 2012 at 7:13 am

    You don’t still see this guy, do you? He could learn a lot from your blog but my guess is that he wouldn’t get it. What you do here on this blog is extremely powerful and therapeutic. Digging into your pain rather than just numbing it with drugs or cliches. Sounds like he wants to give you tools to ignore your truth. He’s a fucking fake living in a pain of his own.
    I grieve the loss of a good friend. it has been about 15 years since he passed and I still get angry that he isn’t here to see his sons grow, to make stupid or thoughtful Facebook updates, to meet for coffee. his death changed my life. Catapulted me into living a more fearless life! That mother fucker. I love that guy. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. And I get to think about him when I visit your blog. Feel his sprite-like spirit. Thank you for that.
    Wild Child Mama recently posted..3 Things ThursdayMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 9:27 pm

      Mama,
      Isn’t it strange….how we need to interweave our pain into our everyday existance somehow?
      I’m not sure if I’ll ever get it right….I am horrible horrible horrible at mourning.

      & I hate it.

      the missing never ends….Does it?

      xxx KIss
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Irene
    March 3, 2012 at 7:14 am

    You’re right Kim, this man has no empathy or compassion! You’re just a stat and a paycheck for him. You know the reality, he doesn’t have to reiterate it for you. Time for you to move from this weirdo. He’s not doing anything for you but making you feel worse.

    I guess he’s never had a truly close relationship with someone and then lost them. He’s just a callus, stoic human who needs to make his flight to the Caribbean.

    (((HUGS))) XXOO You deserve more!
    Irene recently posted..Only Shades of GrayMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 9:28 pm

      Irene,
      This is true.

      Here is Mr. Stink telling me how to behave when he hasn’t even had the experience of having his fucking heart ripped out of his body…

      Love Love Love. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    March 3, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Sending you the biggest love filled hug ever!
    🙂 Mandy xo
    Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..In My Kitchen – March 2012My Profile

  • Reply
    Deb
    March 3, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Grief isn’t something you move past ~ it’s something you move with. Once grief enters your life it becomes part of you. You have been using your grief to help others. You ARE moving with it. Don’t shortchange yourself, my dear. You have come a very long way since May 26, 2010.

    Love & hugs to you,
    Deb.
    Deb recently posted..Celebrate cardMy Profile

  • Reply
    Ellen
    March 3, 2012 at 9:17 am

    First, Kim, I believe you need a different therapist. The spouting of rhetoric, based on “tried and true” or not, is bullshit, because everyone.is.different. Every case is unique.

    Send him your blog, fire his ass, and find someone who will work with you as an individual.

    Yes, I have mourned. I still do. It creeps up on me out of the darkness and startles me into submission when I least expect it. Crying jags attack me; comfort food calls me; “what ifs” haunt me.

    It sucks, and yet it’s life. I get that, and so I roll with it as best I can, and endeavor not to practice self-flagellation when it overtakes me; try not to make myself “wrong,” and don’t allow others to do so (make me wrong, that is).

    There is no prescribed time frame for mourning; no outline to follow so we’ll know when it ends. We’re all different.

    Love. xoxo

  • Reply
    JW
    March 3, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Grief has no timelines…I cry tears for my sister many times, … still miss her…still want her here walking this earth with her family….Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, The Wisdon to know the difference…. what I cannot change ~ I accept, not always joyfully tho…I don’t think mourning ends – you just learn to love differently…from afar. til you meet again.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 9:35 pm

      ~ I accept, not always joyfully tho…I don’t think mourning ends – you just learn to love differently…from afar. til you meet again.—

      JW…SO Powerful. I look forward to that next meeting.

      Beautiful. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Phil
    March 3, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Kim,

    I lost my brother to leukemia, when he was 10 and I was 15, almost 40 years ago now. There is no real pathway out of the mourning process entirely. All I can say is that time does mute some of the pain, but never the memory. That your sister was taken from you so swiftly, so violently, without any preparation in your heart – I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel, even though I’ve lost my brother. And I don’t care how any therapist may claim to have seen this kind of circumstance or situation, he’s full of shit if he really believes he knows what you’re going through. He can’t solve what he doesn’t truly understand.

    I wish there was someway I could take away your pain. I realize I can’t, so the next best thing I can do is to stand in support of you, shoulder to shoulder as you face the world and the present day.

    God Bless.

    Phil
    Phil recently posted..It All Fits in There?My Profile

  • Reply
    julie gardner
    March 3, 2012 at 11:42 am

    I can’t even pretend to know your grief.

    So again, I merely send love.

    It is the best I can do. And not enough.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 9:39 pm

      —-Julie,
      thank you.

      It’s nice having support … without judgement.

      I shall be mouring my dear Kay forever….

      Some ( many ) people do not understand that.

      xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Tia
    March 3, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    The guy is an asshole. That is a beautiful picture of you and Kay. Love you!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 9:40 pm

      –I just found that photo.

      Usually Kay’s head is resting on my shoulder…but this time, my head is on hers.

      I sooo love that.

      Love you
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Amy@souldipper
    March 3, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Man, do I hear your angst! You asked for a suggestion.

    Somewhere near you, there will be a Grief Recovery group available. I’ve been involved with the one in our area – as a Facilitator. Participants come – who are any age, are at any stage of grief and have experienced all sort of different losses. Everyone is unique and needs to deal with grief at their own pace. Murder and the loss of a child are two of the toughest scenarios I’ve seen people work through. It’s never done. But it doesn’t have to maim, twist or murder your soul over and over again.

    A Grief Recovery group offers a process to help each person work within their own parameters and circumstances. There’s no labeling, advising or judging. It’s participatory and people are encouraged to share exactly what they feel. Amazing how often another participant offers a gem that carries another through.

    Grief can feel like we are losing our minds. Our anger can become debilitating – we become forgetful, we stop caring about stuff important before, we fume over insidiousness of others…

    I’ll send you a loving, golden light that blankets you so gently, dear friend. Wallow in it if you can.
    Amy@souldipper recently posted..Ex-Husbands Don’t Need To Know EverythingMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 9:45 pm

      –Amy,
      I’ve been told about those groups, and perhaps i’ll get up the nerve to go to one.

      –thank you for your insight & info. It is much appreciated.

      I accept your golden blankets of light…And I shall try to wallow in it. Yes.

      With appreciation. xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Bella
    March 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    Dearest Kim, in times of loss we sign up for therapy. We think it will help us cope; help us gather our wits and move forward. At times we’re blessed with professionals who really know where our grief is coming from and other times we’re cursed with mental health “professionals” who can’t empathize, who can’t sympathize. If I told you the number of times I tried to find a therapist who knew what they were doing back in the day, you’d think I was joking. And while it’s true that many times we need psychotherapy to pick up the pieces, we also need our therapist to be human; to see our case based on the circumstances, our grief based on our loss, and our needs based on whatever is keeping us from reaching closure. I can only say that my family has been my biggest source of support and fortunately, you too are blessed with an engaged and loving father. Every post you write, you have your dad leaving his comment and I cry almost every time I read his words. What a guy, your papa! Saint Shirley, Mr. Liverpool,your nieces and even Charlie, they’re your crew. They sustain you and encourage you to keep going, one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. You’re a strong woman, yes you are, but even strong women need to lean on others from time to time. You’re living your life with purpose, you’re creating awareness to domestic abuse, you’re helping other women recognize the symptoms of abuse and encouraging them to speak out, get out, and seek help. All of this is your safety net. And let us not forget the ever presence of angel Kay, watching over you and keeping you safe from harm. On days when your therapist thinks he can help by drawing the Venn diagram, lean on your loved ones. They’ll help you get through this. Without a doubt. Hugs for you from Roxy and me.
    Bella recently posted..Is comparison the thief of joy?My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 9:50 pm

      –Bella,
      Yes. My Family is EVERYTHING. My angel friends. God.

      So, then how can one be utterly lonely surrounded by people?

      Mourning is a very insidious beast. Isn’t it? It is a beast that creeps up at the most unexpected times….

      One day at a time. this is the only way I know how to live.

      As Always,

      Your words are like soft, gentle prayers.

      kiss for you & Rox the Fox. xxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Debbie
    March 3, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    I love that picture of you and Kay. It is beautiful. Everyone experiences and reacts to grief differently. I think what you are doing with your blog is wonderful and helping many people. I have prayed through grief and find that comforting along with wonderful memories and knowing I will see that person again someday. I had a wise therapist tell me this – There is only way one to deal with pain and that is to go through it. You can’t run from it or hide it. He explained this by drawing a window. And the only way out of the room was opening and going through it. Like grief and pain….you have to go through it to get to the other side. This was a wise therapist unlike the asshole you spoke to. I also found that time can be your friend. It eases pain. But the sadness is always there at times. My deepest loss was probably my wonderful grandfather that I lost 40 years ago this year. I was in such pain when he died that it was almost unbearable to think I would never see him or hug him again. 40 years later I love him just as much but wtihout all the pain. Just go slow Kim and at your own pace. You and only you know what is best for you….
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 3, 2012 at 9:55 pm

      —-There is only way one to deal with pain and that is to go through it—

      Yes, I believe that statement.

      I am walking thru the darkness right now….
      but sometimes I fall down. other times, I’m on my knees….

      I know where Kay is. I know I’ll see her again.

      But being on earth is HARD w/out her.

      Ahhhhhhhh, that ‘s the rub, isn’t it?

      thank you, Debbie for your beautiful words of encouragement. Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    March 4, 2012 at 3:16 am

    Everyone has the RIGHT to mourn at their own pace.

    I’d ditch the therapist and find a more understanding one perhaps?
    Lady Fi recently posted..Missing youMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 4, 2012 at 8:44 am

      Lady Fi,
      He’s gone.

      i’m still here. I guess.

      Xx Have a great Sunday.
      Kiss 4 Oscar.

  • Reply
    Patricia
    March 4, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Sending you positivity and hugs. Stay strong <3
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  • Reply
    Kimmy
    March 4, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Love u with all my heart Kimmy. Lots of good memories. Miss the talks. & esp. remembering our childhood. That was my best time in my life, living in Smithville. Keep her alive in your heart every moment. She still is & always will be a part of your lives by everything you do. I envision Kay looking down & saying to you “my beautiful Kimmy. Please don’t cry for me. I am happy in a beautiful place with loved ones . We will be together soon. I am with you always. I love you!”. I love you too!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 4, 2012 at 11:48 am

      Kimmy,
      Quite seriously, I look forward to my meeting w/ Kay once again…

      Living w/out her is just toooo difficult & sad.

      Love you, my childhood friend & Spider Woman. Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    jen
    March 4, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Oh sweetie, I don’t think he’s and ass I KNOW he’s an ass. You need and deserve love and compassion for your loss, it is huge. You deserve a safe place to feel everything you feel. And however long it takes…that is OK no time tables for grief, believe me I know.

    On july 3, 2006, a tractor trailer ran over my son Eric 23 and my step daughter Gretchen who i had raised from the age of 5, she was 30… dead and a mothers nightmare for me was beginning. I learned then what it feels like to have the world just collapse out from underneath your feet. I so sympathize with your feelings about your sister and missing her so much, i too lived that pain.

    I went to a guy, thank God and the stars above he was a good one! No judgment, no attitude just a safe place where i could just be me.I was one hot mess! It took me 4+ years before i could feel ok to be without needing him for his guidance and support. Before that there was just this huge shadow of grief, and lets not forget those horribly dark moments that needed to be lifted and i didn’t have the power to lift them alone. Slowly but surely my life came back piece by piece. It’s different now, how could it not be a different without them? But it a good life. Like you, I’d rather have them back, but the truth is at least I don’t feel like shit all the time, but i miss them terribly.
    jen recently posted..scavenger hunt sunday 3/4My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 4, 2012 at 4:38 pm

      –Jen,
      I felt an instant connection w/ you after reading your story. I am SO sorry. I know the pain is unbearable.
      For me, some days hurt hurt hurt.
      I cannot imagine EVER feeling whole w/ out my best friend, sister, & soulmate…
      …but I know I must go forward.
      I do not know any other way out…
      Thank you for sharing.
      If you are surviving, perhaps I can, too.

      Much Appreciation & Love,

      Kim

      PS. Happy you met a nice guy. Thank God, I have one,too 🙂

  • Reply
    Mercy
    March 4, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Love you Kim

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 4, 2012 at 4:38 pm

      Love you more than 8 Lions bathing in the hot Kenyan Sun on Sunday.

      Xxxx

  • Reply
    Emily
    March 4, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    “It intertwines into one’s mind and body like blood flowing through veins”

    That’s an unforgettable image. I don’t know how you move past the grief though. I think you need a new therapist. Go gently.
    Emily recently posted..On SaturdayMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 4, 2012 at 4:39 pm

      –Emily,
      He is gone.
      I am here…

      …. holding on.

      Thank you. Xx

  • Reply
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles
    March 4, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    I love that Pablo Neruda quote; beautiful. Yes, I’ve experienced mourning. I find it helpful to think of other people’s losses and pain that happen all around the world, every moment of the day. It helps give me perspective and reminds me that my life and the people I love – though extraordinarily important to me – are no less important than everyone else’s life and pain. This is not an easy change in perspective but one that I believe is not only beneficial to ourselves, but humanity generally.

    Love & light – xo
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles recently posted..Double Chocolate Guinness BrowniesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 4, 2012 at 10:24 pm

      –Kelly,
      I will always accept your love & light.

      thank you Xx

      ps. I know that death and murder and loss is happening all over the world, but this still does not put this pain into perspective for me….
      This was my SISTER. This happened in my life, in our family. I know I am not the only person in pain, but this still does not help me to feel less grief or less lonliness…

  • Reply
    totsymae1011
    March 4, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    Looks like you two have reached a stalemate, Kim. I can see you make this fella work hard for his money too. You know a lot of folk in that profession lean toward the bonker side, so he may never get it. I thought of going in that direction myself once upon a time ago but yeah, I could see me pissing folk off too. I don’t know. It all seems so clinical, the circle drawing and all. What happened ain’t as simple as the alphabets in the circles.
    totsymae1011 recently posted..Wearing Suspenders with UnderwearMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 4, 2012 at 10:25 pm

      So very true, Tots.

      Life is just not that simple.

      I wish it were. Xxx Love.

  • Reply
    Bridget
    March 4, 2012 at 11:48 pm

    I don’t know. I’ve never been through what you’ve been through.

    But I think you do go on. You’re an amazing and inspring person. Do you know how much joy it brings me when I read your sweet comments? How I actually smile when I read your clever posts?

    It’s true.

    I don’t know if it helps. But it’s true.
    Bridget recently posted..Monday ListiclesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 5, 2012 at 6:38 am

      Dear B,
      Thank you for coming to my mourning, weeping, lamenting pages.

      and thank you for your posts; they make me giggle. Xx

  • Reply
    Edrick
    March 5, 2012 at 2:29 am

    I do the things you mentioned about mourning… sans the wine. I also daydream and reminisce the good times; this makes it less painful.

    I know everything has changed, but I guess Kay would hate you for acting like that. Try to live your life in a manner that Kay will be proud of you; so that you can look into another person’s eyes and tell them that you had a terrific sister.
    Edrick recently posted..how to play guitar dvdMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 5, 2012 at 7:05 am

      ~~”I did ( Do ) have a terrific sister.”

      thank you for reading.

  • Reply
    Laci
    March 5, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Girl you’re a strong strong lady. I could not imagine the heartache you go through on a daily basis. I wouldn’t be able to sit through someone telling me that. I wouldn’t. I’m afraid I’d tell him exactly what I thought. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  • Reply
    (FL) Girl with a New Life
    March 5, 2012 at 9:17 am

    I grew up in a very scary environment–the house that everyone in the neighborhood talked about. A house that screamed and yelled after midnight. If you can imagine such a thing, I spent the first 18 years of my life in a sort of mourning. And many years afterward with a version of post traumatic stress disorder.

    Healing for me happened in finding gratitude in my present moment, and living as full of life as I can in tribute to the scared little girl I used to be.
    (FL) Girl with a New Life recently posted..Book Review: Girl in Translation, Luck vs. ChoiceMy Profile

  • Reply
    My Inner Chick
    March 5, 2012 at 10:14 am

    -Beautifully expressed, FL.

    Just trying to live the best life you can. :)) XX Kisses for you.
    My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Ivana
    March 5, 2012 at 10:40 am

    I’m so sorry, I never even knew about what happened to your sister.

    As for help with mourning… No therapy, no wine (I barely ever drink). Writing, a lot — shaping stories with my feelings in them, even though they’re completely different from what happened, or diary-like ranting on paper, or… Whichever form of writing helps me to cope. Holding an animal, playing with animals, they\re great companions. Being held by someone close. Sometimes, spending time with people I love (I’m anti-social, though, so not much). Meditation. Daydreaming. Music I enjoy one way or another.

    None of it removes the pain instantly, or anytime soon, but it can help a little, and sometimes a little is a lot.
    Ivana recently posted..Chimney Cake!My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 5, 2012 at 10:46 am

      ~~~~~Ivana,
      I love everything you said here.

      All beeeeeautiful distractions…

      Family. God. & I love to bake. Oh, And CATS help.

      Thank you so much. xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Pamela
    March 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    What an ASSHOLE. I cannot believe he said that stupid overused “that’s why we call today the present” line on you when you.

    I hope you never went back.
    Pamela recently posted..Wordless in Houston.My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

      I saw him 3 times.
      Even w/ out a PhD, I knew more than that ASSHOLE Stinky man.

      X xx Love when you pop over, Pamela.

  • Reply
    Caroline
    March 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Beautifully written and expressed, as always. And I agree, what an idiot. I wouldn’t want to listen to him either. Clearly doesn’t understand or seem to care, considering the looking at the watch and silly circle drawings. You’re such a strong woman. Sending big, big hugs your way! x
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  • Reply
    Brenda
    March 5, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    I still miss my dad. I write but not about him or his death, although he slips in between the verbs and nouns and is there in every thing I write. I am not an expert on the topic nor have I been to therapy but I like so many others have said, it may be you and he are not meant to be, or he is not the one to guide you to a place of harmony. I don’t think we ever stop missing a love one, we simply learn to get through to the other side or as Bev said it. We learn to tread water with grace and purpose. I don’t know the answers to your questions, I am sorry. If I were magic an could grant you peace I would.
    Brenda recently posted..Character SketchingMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 5, 2012 at 10:07 pm

      ~~~~Brenda,
      Nobody can grant peace…except God.

      “`one needs to interweave the pain & loss into one’s life. Somehow.
      This is what I am trying to do…
      This is what I will be doing the rest of my days.

      Love to you. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Ameena
    March 5, 2012 at 8:38 pm

    I’m sure there is no way to get over the death of a loved one…I imagine it’s always sort of hovering over everything one does. Hopefully there is some comfort in that?

    (If that makes any sense at all?)
    Ameena recently posted..isolationMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      March 5, 2012 at 10:09 pm

      ~~~~~~I shall NEVER get over losing my sister.

      Never, until I am with her once again. Only then, will I be completely whole.

      Thanks for visiting my mourning pages, Ameena. Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ SucksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Unknown Mami
    March 5, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    He just wasn’t for you. I don’t know how you get through this, but I’d say with a lot of compassion for yourself from yourself and from others.
    Unknown Mami recently posted..Orzo SaladMy Profile

  • Reply
    Always Remembered | Totsymae.com
    March 6, 2012 at 9:06 am

    […] ’cause what I’d like you to do after watching the video, if you would, is to go over to Kim’s and show her some […]

  • Reply
    Pauline Leger
    March 6, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Kim, i found you via TotsyMae…

    My heart goes out to you. Your sister Kay was beautiful.

    I’m sure her inner beauty was profound, and this is what you must remember and hold close to your heart. The pain must be unbearable for you and your family – understandably. Stick together. Write about it. Paint about it. Cry about it. Keep breathing – in honour of your beautiful sister, if only to awaken the world.

    ((hugs))
    Pauline

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 6, 2012 at 2:54 pm

      ~~~Pauline,
      What beautiful words you have.

      ***Write about it. Paint about it. Cry about it. Keep breathing **

      Lovely.

      Thank You.
      xx

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    March 6, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Hi sweet Kim. I’m so glad to hear you’re not seeing that SOB any more. I haven’t been through the kind of mourning you have, yet, so I’m the last one to really have any input here.
    However, that never stopped me before.
    Love and appreciate you, Kim. Keep writing. I will be here. Learning from you.

    XOXOs
    Theresa Sonoda recently posted..Sara’s Sleep Part 6My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 6, 2012 at 2:55 pm

      Dear, Terri,

      Love and appreciate you, too, more than you know. 🙂 Xx

  • Reply
    Renee
    March 6, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    Kim, I found your page through Totsy and her thoughtful tribute to your sister. Bloggers become like family to those who follow and share their lives, and I feel like I’ve just added another member to mine. I am so sorry that you lost her so senselessly and it seemed like the therapist only added to that pain. You are right to ditch him. But you are bringing Kay to life with your words and pictures and Totsy’s lovely painting and video. I’m sending you good thoughts and hope that each new day will bring one more smile than the day before.
    Renee recently posted..Facebook vs. TwitterMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 6, 2012 at 6:47 pm

      ~~~~~~~~~~~Renee,
      Thank you for reading my mourning pages.

      Totsy has been there thru out this process….& her support has meant so much to me….

      xx Kisssssssssss

  • Reply
    stephanie
    March 6, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Wow. What a heartless man. I hope you feel some comfort knowing that there is a huge support system out here & we are all thinking of you. Keep blogging. It, too, is good therapy.
    stephanie recently posted..I’ve heard french fries are so Oooh la laMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 6, 2012 at 6:56 pm

      Heartless, Yes. He was.

      But She was EVERYTHING. Everything.

      Thank you, Stephanie for your comment. Xxx

  • Reply
    Wayside Artist
    March 6, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    Totsymae sent me your way through her website. We are all in a life web together. The suffering on your strand of the web, I feel, though I have never suffered such a loss as yours. My love for my sister guides me in understanding just a little of your grief…grief and outrage that someone who you opened heart and home to would destroy your sister, your life, your family’s life. All over the world people feel for you and hold you in hearts. I hold you in mine.

    Nanina
    Wayside Artist recently posted..ImaginationMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 7, 2012 at 6:43 am

      ~~~. We are all in a life web together. The suffering on your strand of the web ,I feel, ~~~~

      What a lovely way to describe our connection in the Universe.

      Thank You, Nania, for reading & your beautiful comment. Xx

  • Reply
    Mysterycoach
    March 7, 2012 at 4:40 am

    Totsy put up a beautiful post this morning… and I came over to see your blog.

    Honey, I am so sorry for your loss.

    Please get a different therapist, this guy has no clue. Seriously. You want someone who grasps this whole thing … in a way that helps you to be understood and heal (as much as possible). He’s a bone head… just reading what you wrote made me disgusted. Replace him… seriously.

    Circles… he draws circles. What an utter moron. My god.

    Honey, I am so sorry to read this … my condolences to you and your family. 🙁
    Mysterycoach recently posted..~ Struggling With Who You Are ~My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 7, 2012 at 6:45 am

      ~~~~~Dear Mystery Coach,
      Mr. Stink is GONE.

      But I am still here trying to find my way w /out my dear sister.

      Thank you for your most insightful words. Xx Kiss from MN.

  • Reply
    Lisa Summerlin
    March 7, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Wow, this is so incredibly heartbreaking and I am so very sorry for your loss. Just truly sorry.

    I have suffered a great loss. My first child died when she was 4 months old. I can’t even begin to tell you how I got through it. I can only credit that to a Higher Power, but can honestly say I was too angry to believe in one at the time.

    I did blog about her (her name is Sydni) and I blogged about abusive relationships I’ve been in, as well. Writing it all out helps. Talking to people? Not so much. At least not for me. There’s a good chance had that doctor said those things to me I would’ve punched him in the mouth.

    Nobody can TRULY know what YOU are going through. They can guess and they might be able to relate, but only you can know and only you feel what you feel. Only you know what you must do to ease your pain. Support from friends and family does help, but just speaking personally – the advice was unwanted. At least when Sydni died. We need to grieve. We need to go through the process in our own time, in our own way. It took me several years to begin to feel as if I had a reason for living. But I got to a place where I was okay. You will too honey. You really will.

    I see how strong your love is for your sister so it seems to me you’ll keep going and fighting for her. As it should be.

    Sending you hugs…tons of them!
    Lisa Summerlin recently posted..It’s a Lame Kind of Funny…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 7, 2012 at 3:02 pm

      ~~~Lisa,
      I truly savor all of your words of wisdom.

      I loved this line, especially: “personally – the advice was unwanted. At least when Sydni died. We need to grieve. We need to go through the process in our own time, in our own way”

      I will be okay…but I shall MOURN forever…forever….until I am united w/ my sister once again…

      I shall come vist your blog.

      Thank you.

      So sorry about your daughter. Xxx

  • Reply
    Sue Williamson
    March 9, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Kim,

    Just keep on doing what you’re doing…
    I am always amazed at what you’re capable of – the people you touch, the ones you’ve helped, the eyes you’ve openned, and the list goes on & on.
    Kay would be proud.
    I am proud.
    Mourn in whatever way suits you.
    You are perfect just the way you are.
    We all muddle through the best way we know how and that should be good enough.

    See you in May.
    Love you.

  • Reply
    InsideJourneys
    March 11, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    I can’t believe it’s another year already — I remember visiting last year.
    Your love for and dedication to your sister is so admirable. Through your efforts, Kay’s now part of all our lives — she lives! Keep on keeping on, Kim.
    InsideJourneys recently posted..Soulful Sundays: Byron LeeMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 12, 2012 at 6:06 am

      ~~~~Inside Journeys,
      It’s been almost 700 days.

      It’s been an eternity

      It been a micro minute.

      Xxx Thank you for reading.

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