Half A Prayer

It’s
been  629 days since I’ve seen your
beautiful- beaming face, my dear sister.

I have so much to tell you, so much to say,
so much to express.

For example, Mike murdered you.

The  abuser fucker executed you inside your own
home.

But I suppose you already know that.

Don’t you?

Remember when I told you that he probably
dug a grave for you in the back garden?

And we laughed.

I’m not laughing anymore.

 

Did you know a mere human being
can actually cry for

one. year. strait?

 

I did.

 

I am.

 

Forever.  Always.

 

I’ll never let you go.

 

Never, never let you go.

 

Not as long as have a pulse
& blood inside my body.

 

I had a dream you were sitting at
Saint Shirley’s kitchen table.

 

I walked in and screamed:  “What Are You Doing Here!  Where Have You Been!”

 

I ran to you and began kissing
you all over your cheeks.

 

You smelled of lilacs, wind, &

something else.

 

“Where have you been? Why didn’t
you tell me you were leaving?”  I repeated.

 

“You know where I’ve been.”  You answered.

 

That was all.

 

I drove up to the cemetery after
work today.

 

Snow covered your entire
gravestone.

 

I brushed it off & stood
under your tree for a long time.

 

I just stood there with half a
prayer caught inside my throat…

My best friend, sister,  & soul mate was executed by Mike Peterson 629 Days Ago.   The sun glitters much differently now.

800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

In Memory of Kay

CLick for help if you are being physically abused, verbally abused,

emotionally abused, belittled, diminished, finacially abused,

sexually abused, or  minimized in any way…>>pink lips Xxx

 

In Memory of Kay

87 comments

  1. Joan says:

    Wow- this is beautiful Kim. Your dream is incredible and so haunting. How hard it is to be without your sister, your best friend and your soul mate. She was beautiful. And your writing is such a testament to your spirit and to hers.
    Joan recently posted..It’s a guy thing….My Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Joan,
      In my dream,
      i walked into the kitchen & my heart leapt from my body.

      My joy was complete.

      Then I woke up.

      Xx Let meet soon, dear.

  2. Irene says:

    Kay visited you last night. That was her way of telling you that she’s ok and she misses you, too. My mom does that now and then.

    This brought tears to my eyes. Dreams like that are so frustrating!

    I’m going to have a glass of wine in your honor and Kays now.
    Irene recently posted..I Bet I Know What Martha Wears!My Profile

  3. Dad says:

    My Dear Kim, Time goes so fast, it just don’t seem like 629 days She’s been gone. We miss her so much,
    but only for a little while. I believe what Irene said, Kay visited you from heaven.

    Love You More Than Sir Charles In The Garbage
    Daddy

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      And I love you more than….

      10 shimmering panthers bathing in the Kenyan Sunshine on Sunday.

      Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  4. Monica says:

    I’ve had dreams like this about my mother. You get so excited to see them, but there’s a tug in your heart. You know, you know. Sometimes, though, you have to hear them say it. “You know where I’ve been.” Reading that line gave me chills and I just wish I could reach out and give you a hug, Kim. I’m so sorry.
    Monica recently posted..One Shot, Two Stories a Success!My Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Monica,
      one day….we shall hug for real.

      we shall have Bella there, too.

      Mourning never ends…Never. Does it?

      Xx

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Hey, Ginger,
      I was abundantly excited to see her.
      My heart jumped. My JOY erupted.

      It was beautiful.

      Xxx KIss for you.

  5. Helene Abbott says:

    From heaven to your heart, Kim, Kay is always with you and you keep her alive with us as well. YOU are the best sister anyone could ask for, I would adopt you in a moments time.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Helene,
      you are sweet.

      As long as I’m living, I shall should out Kay’s story.

      She was me. I was her.

      That’s how it always was and ( is ).

      Xxx Many kisses.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Yes, Kelly,
      She is NEVER far away.

      I feel her cheek brushing against my cheek…her heart beating inside my chest.

      Always. Forever.

      Xx Love. Love Love.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Mamawolfe,
      the motherfucker killed himself right after he killed Kay.

      Why oh why didn’t he kill himself first?

      WHy?

      Xxx

  6. Cheryl`Lewis says:

    Sweet Kim, I attended the memorial this week for a middle school student who lost his life a year ago. I thought I was going in order to support my husband, who mentors some boys who knew the student, and a teacher, who is a friend, and the students who would surely be grieving. But the strength of my own grief that it awakened took my breath away! I had no idea I would react that way after 3 years of living without Jordan, my nephew. I was so shaken that I changed our weekend plans and drove straight to my sister’s home 3 hours away. I haven’t even told her why I’m here. Just needed to be together. I know that my grief will never compare to hers – she lost the love of her life when she lost her precious son. I know that, in many ways, you did, too. Just know that, despite the furious pain that you feel and I feel and my sister feels – despite the absolute horror of it all – my nephew and your sister are united in their joy and celebration and, someday, we will be, too. What seems forever right now is the merest flicker in time. See? That moment is gone. And now another. Just a few more… a stretch of our heartbeats that tie us to Him and all He loves… and we will be together with all the glory we ever knew with those we adore and MORE oh so much MORE. This, I believe. I love you in the fierce way that hearts who understand can.

    Cheryl
    Cheryl`Lewis recently posted..You Make Beautiful ThingsMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      —-For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.—

      I love this promise, Dear Cheryl. Don’t you?

      And I love you. I love that you drove to your sisters.

      I love that you understand.

      Xxxxxxxxxxx

  7. Helene Abbott says:

    Dear Kim,
    From heaven to your heart….Kay is always with you and you keep her memory alive for us readers. YOU are the best sister and I would adopt you in a moments time!

  8. Phil says:

    Kim,

    I sit here and read your words, and my heart fills with anguish and pain, as it feels in a very small way the pain and anguish that flows from your heart. What strikes me to the core however, is no matter how much I feel that pain, I cannot imagine how much deeper and constant the hurt in your own heart must be when compared to mine. I am in awe of that big heart of yours, as it constantly bleeds out pain, but more importantly LOVE for your dear sister Kay.

    I realize it is of little consolation, but know that your message, your pain, your love, and your words will save lives of others.

    God Bless.

    Phil
    Phil recently posted..In the News – Random Thoughts on Birth ControlMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Ann,
      It was a beautiful dream. My JOY erupted & overflowed.

      But it was a dream. I was disappointed waking up.

      Xxx Love to you, Sweets.

  9. Helen Herrick says:

    I love it when they come back to us in dreams….knowing that their universe still intersects with ours helps make it feel like we are not completely severed. They may not be with us the way we want, but when love is strong enough they still will find a way to connect with us. Some day you two will be one again. No more half a prayer, half an existence. And the angels will sing………..

  10. Kim, you are one beautiful sister to express your love this way. I cannot imagine having to carry the pain of any family member being murdered, never mind a sister!

    I watched Whitney Houston’s funeral on video – all 4 hours of it – because it was so full of love. The message I came away with is this, Kim: Death is not the winner, Love is! You are proving that in this post!

    Many blessings on your activism against abuse. I support our little “safe home” for abused women in different ways – I cannot imagine having that kind of fear and no help.

    How have we raised boys to become men who kill women? How have we slipped so badly?
    Amy@SoulDipper recently posted..Occupy Blogosphere – Thursday, February 16, 2012My Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Amy,
      I watched Whitney Funeral, as well.

      It was like on long beautiful prayer & I loved it.

      Love endures FOREVER. This is what lasts on earth.

      I am pleased you support “Safe Home.”

      We need to shout out to the world that
      ABUSE of any kind WILL NOT BE TOLORATED. EVER. Never.

      Love to you.xx

  11. What power in your dream, and in your words, Kim. Was that the first time Kay appeared to you in a dream? How wonderful that must have felt, and how terrifying as you began to awake, once again, to the reality. A big virtual hug xxxxxxx
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..Ti AmoMy Profile

    • Jann,
      No. I had another dream where I saw her at our prayer picnic table.

      She was sitting there and I said: “”WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?””

      and she simply responded, “He shot me three times/”

      So sad waking up for that other dream, though.

      Xx Kisses for you.

  12. Kimmy says:

    Kim. I truly believe what Irene & your dad said that Kay was letting u know she’s ok & misses u too. As I know that when I was talking to Kay & looking up at the stars right after she went to heaven & praying for you I saw a shooting star & I knew that was Kay & I knew she would watch over you. It’s this complete feeling but I know it was Kay with out a doubt. You are one of my beautiful best friends. Love you forever.

  13. Goodness and Grit says:

    OMG is Kay a princess on that horse or what!?
    Beautiful post Kim.
    BTW…this morning I woke to my daughter’s voice….
    She was singing your song, and since she was recording on my iPhone, I had to share…keep in mind she (to my knowledge) has never practiced this song, and speaks Norwegian ( so try to look over the text mishaps) ……but it is YOUR SONG!!!!!!!!
    http://www.youtube.com/user/MrBOSTodd?email=subscription_create

  14. Ellen says:

    Haunting and powerful, Kim. I believe passed loved ones sometimes visit us in dreams, if not as a ghost. Somehow, in some way, Kay will find a way to reach out to you. xoxo

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Ariana,
      When I awaken in the morning, it is the hardest part of my day.

      I wake up and think WHY AM I STILL HERE?

      Love you, too. x

  15. Kim – I have never had a sister – but I see the fierce love that you had for yours and to have her taken in such a brutal way is beyond awful. I believe that our dreams help us to heal. But of course, healing is an ongoing process. What I admire is how you’ve channelized your anger and pain to speak out to and for victims of abuse. I’m sure Kay is applauding you for your bravery. ♥
    Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..Letting The Hens BeMy Profile

  16. Kelly says:

    My BEAUTIFUL KIM!!!

    Sitting at Saint Shirley’s table is so comforting for both of you and what a perfect place for Kay to connect with you!! And just like you need your Kay she needs her Kim. — Don’t we all :o) — I truly believe she just wanted to make sure you knew she is okay and she is ALWAYS around you! She knows you miss her so much and she misses you just as bad!!! I would say that you helped Kay with what SHE needed, YOU!!!!

    Love love LOVE you!!!
    KraZy KeLy

  17. I never quite know what to say and even when I say something, I’m afraid it’s the wrong thing. I am just so sorry that you are hurting. I totally believe we can cry every day—although I hope to NEVER experience that. I’m sorry that you do. =( Prayers and hugs for you my friend.

    BTW, I DID delete that creepy fb stalker but he can still send me messages. I need to see if I can block him from doing that. He makes me ill. I hope he NEVER finds out where I live. He seems unstable. Thanks for your comment.

    xoxo
    Impulsive Addict recently posted..My Facebook StalkerMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Dear Impulsive.

      Stalkers are obsessive & can also be VERY abusive.

      They are not in Reality or the Real world.

      Be safe, Dear. Xx

  18. Debbie says:

    Ah, Kim, isn’t it wonderful having dreams where we see our loved ones again? But then, we wake up and realize they’re still gone and we’re still here. That makes the grieving even harder for us. You speak so eloquently of your sister, and I’m so sorry both of you had to endure this. What a lovely photo of her on that white horse that almost looks like a unicorn! Hugs to you.
    Debbie recently posted..Revisiting Junior Parents WeekendMy Profile

  19. Sandy Webb says:

    Kim – I think you are very lucky to dream of your sister. I have not dreamed of TJ since he died. I would so love to see him again, even if it is only a dream.

    No, my little Oido has not returned. I only hope that someone picked him up and gave him a good home.

    Sandy xoxo
    Sandy Webb recently posted..Grief, Guilt & HappinessMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      -Sandy,
      I pray to dream about her every. night.

      I have so much to tell her. So much to say.

      I hope you can dream about TJ !

      Sad to hear about Oido. I am sure he is in a good home. xx Love to you.

  20. Vidya Sury says:

    Every morning when I light my lamp around 6.15 am, I think of you, Kim. I close my eyes and pray for you. I think about your posts about Kay and my eyes fill up. And I pray.

    Because I know how it feels. I feel your pain. Because as soon as I wake up in the morning, I head over to my mom’s room, half expecting her to call out to me. And I even imagine I hear her voice. Sigh.

    Love and hugs.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..The Haiku Challenge 2012 – Day 20 – AffirmationMy Profile

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