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I’m Not Your Conventional Christian Girl


 

—-“Out of the depths I have cried out  to thee, O Lord.   Hear
my voice…”—King David

 

 

~~A Note of Importance: Please respect this page of words, beliefs,
opinions, lamenting, questioning, & comments… & I shall respect
yours.   Thank you.   Love Love Love, Kim

 

 

 

—-I believe in God, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

 

I always have.

 

From the very beginning, I was a deep thinker, a question
asker, a truth-seeker.

 

I was also  a rebel.

 

Unquestionably– not societies mainstream Christian girl.

 

Positively– not your conventional Christian girl.

 

But I loved God regardless.

 

Back then, I was attracted to  the eccentric, unusual  naughty girls such as Plath, Sexton, Joplin, Jong,
& Madonna.

 

I observed something in these women I could identify with; something
I recognized in myself, I suppose.

 

Perhaps imperfection.
Perhaps nonconformity.

 

I didn’t know a

hell.  of.  a.  lot. then.

 

But somehow, without hesitation,  I knew this….

 

God Existed.   God Lived.
God  Was.   God
Is.

 

I sensed his breath upon me–

 

….smelling of rain
& sun & moon

 

… Something else.

 

I never sought out Buddha or Scientology or Kabbalohism or
Islam or Me-ism or MacLainism or whatever …

 

I just knew what I knew.

 

Before my sister’s murder, I prayed like this:

 

“Thank You!    Thank You!
Thank You!  O, God, Thaaaaank
You!”

Now I pray like this:

 

“Help Me!
Help Me!   Help Me!  O, God, Heeeeelp Me!”

I once  declared:

 

God has a reason for everything.”

Not now.

 

I once said:

 

“It could be worse, honey”

Not now.

 

Let me start again.

 

I’ve lost so so so so so fucking much:

 

….my sister, my best friend, my soul mate, my prayer
partner, my secret keeper, my religion, my church, my heart…

 

But even thru these darkest days, these shadows, these nameless
hours…

 

I have not lost my God.

 

If I did.  If I did….

 

I’d lose EVERTHING.

 

—Dearest Reader,
What have you held onto during your darkest hours?

My sister, Kay, was murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson.   The world Shook.  The sun stopped shining.

…But we shall unite once again, my  dear.  I look forward to it. Xxxxx

800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

In Memory of Kay

CLick for help if you are being physically abused, verbally abused,

emotionally abused, belittled, diminished, finacially abused,

sexually abused, or  mini

 

 

mized in any way… pink lips Xxxxx

This book by Annie Lamott changed my life:   Traveling Mercies

 


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102 Comments

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    February 11, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Without doubt, in my darkest hour, I’ve only thought of God. I can completely identify with what you wrote, Kim. I’ve experienced the same things and often felt ashamed to admit it. Considering I come from a fairly traditional family that goes by the rules, I preferred to rebel. It is enough to me I have faith in God. No need to demonstrate by doing things I don’t understand or in things I don’t see the logic.

    You’ve expressed your feelings very well. Hugs and love.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..The Haiku Challenge 2012 – Day 10 – UnforgettableMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:26 am

      –Vidya,
      You have captured my heart. Hugs flowing to India. XxOO

  • Reply
    totsymae1011
    February 11, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Kim,

    Jesus was a rebel. He shook up the norms that kept people enslaved to conventional beliefs and set them free. People often have this concept of passivity and think they aren’t allowed certain emotions but Jesus kicked ass, when He saw the moneychangers taking advantage of people who were poor. God gets pissed off too. We are not less of a Christian when we feel a little emotionally unbalanced. What’s important is that you continue your relationship with God. He knows you and understands.
    totsymae1011 recently posted..Spammed, That I AmMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:28 am

      –Sweet,Tots,
      Beautifully expressed! I couldn’t have said it better…

      I so love Jesus for kicking ass 🙂 Xxx

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    February 11, 2012 at 10:27 am

    I am impressed that you still have your belief. Mine (what little I had) completely died with TJ.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:31 am

      –Dear, Sandy,

      I thought about that….I thought about letting my God go because I was (am) sooo angry.

      ….but then I asked myself—((what the hell this life is all about… what is the purpose?)))

      And I knew, I had to HOLD on. hold on hold on…

      Love coming your way, dearest.

  • Reply
    Ellen
    February 11, 2012 at 10:36 am

    “I sensed his breath upon me–
    ….smelling of rain
    & sun & moon”

    I believe, too, Kim; believe God is in rain, and sun, and moon. And me, and you.
    xoxo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:32 am

      –Lovely, Ellen.
      Thank you for reading and supporting and loving.

      Xx Love Love Love.

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    February 11, 2012 at 11:35 am

    This is beautifully written and heart-breaking. I definitely believe in something greater and better than myself, in spirituality: for true religion lives in the heart and not necessarily in the dogma.
    Lady Fi recently posted..Inner songMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:34 am

      –Lady Fi,

      I have a feeling that heaven will be a bit like where you live… with lots of gorgeous Oscars running around the emerald fields and swimming in the aqua ponds..

      Xxx Kiss for you in Norway… Right?

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    February 11, 2012 at 11:56 am

    “Sometimes life brings more pain than we can bear alone
    When hope is gone and I have no strength to stand on my own
    When nothing helps, there’s nothing that I can do
    You surround me and show me I belong to you.

    When love is gone, there’s no arms to run to anymore
    I’m all alone, there’s no one for me to live for
    Letting go of the things I’ve always clung to
    That’s when I need to feel that I belong to you.”

    -Superchick, “I Belong to You”

    I’m so glad you’ve been able to hold onto your faith during all that has happened. I am not a “typical,” conservative Christian, either, but I cannot imagine how I would get through life if I didn’t believe.
    Kimberly recently posted..Texas Is Too Far AwayMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:36 am

      –Kimberly,

      ~~Letting go of the things I’ve always clung to
      That’s when I need to feel that I belong to you.”~~

      Absolutley Beatiful.

      Thank you, dear, for this poetry.

      Xxx

  • Reply
    Tia
    February 11, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Beautifully written.

    Love you!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:37 am

      –Well, I think I love you more than you love me. Haaa. Xx

  • Reply
    Goodness and Grit
    February 11, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Kim,
    I read, I cried, I re-read, cried harder, and shared.
    I am sorry Kay is gone. I am sorry I never met her. I am sorry I never got to have merlot with he two of you.
    But, through her l have gained a friend in you. And, someday we SHALL have merlot together.

    Klem,
    Kimberly
    Goodness and Grit recently posted..Shoe FetishMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:38 am

      –Kimberly,
      We Shall! We Shall! Have you tried CupCake Silk yet?

      we have lots to talk about :)) Xxx Kiss for you flowing to Norway.

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    February 11, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    KIm I love how beautifully you describe your faith. xxxxxxxxxxooooooooo
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..Siena, So Long AgoMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:39 am

      –Jann,

      Love Love Love Kiss kiss kiss….flowing to Italy.

      Xxx Do you feel it?

  • Reply
    Elephant's Child
    February 11, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    Perhaps some day I will be able to read your posts without tears springing to my eyes. That day is not here yet, and if it comes I will have no empathy left in me and I will be ashamed.

    Your pain leaps from the screen to assault me. I am so so sorry that the anchor to your world was ripped away.

    I am a non believer, but never, never attempt to impose my beliefs (or lack of them) on others.

    Hugs

    PS Cat post is up for you now.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:41 am

      OOO, My Cat Post! I’m on my way over…

      (((Your pain leaps from the screen to assault me)))

      Your words are like lush poetry.

      Thank you for that, Elephant. Xx

  • Reply
    Rachel (Totally Ovar It)
    February 11, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    I strongly feel the presense of G-d. Even in my darkest hour. I pray to Him every night before I go to sleep. I feel very strongly that G-d will never give a person more than s/he can handle. I say this as my husband is upstairs passed out because the pain of his skin burning of is simply too much. I say this as a child abuse survivor. I say this as an adult assault survivor. I am still here because of my faith in G-d. I will never judge you. Only respect your beliefs. XOXO, my beautiful friend.
    Rachel (Totally Ovar It) recently posted..Frugal Friday: Forever Vegetable SoupMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:57 am

      –Dear Rachel.

      You. Inspire. Me.

      Love you. Xx

      think of you often.

  • Reply
    Nicole
    February 11, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Deep.. deep… deep, my friend. I hate that you have to live with this tragedy. That’s my first reaction. Second, I hold onto to God – just like you do. It’s all I have. Though life is not treating me so well… it/HE is the only thing that keeps me afloat.
    Nicole recently posted..I got 99 Problems…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:58 am

      –Nicole,
      Superbly expressed.

      I am holding on. I am holding on w/ everything I have.

      Xxxx

  • Reply
    Katy Clark
    February 11, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    I have kept my faith, always, through some dark hours – not nearly as dark and lonely as yours, but deep, hurtful, heart-rending times. I pray for strength when I want to be weak and taken care of. I pray for courage when I want to crawl under a rock. I pray to hang onto any sliver of hope – as long as I have that, I can have faith.

    I pray for strength for you and hope – the courage part you have down!!

    Love and hugs
    Katy Clark recently posted..I’ll Take Timothy Olyphant for 200, AlexMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 7:59 am

      —any sliver of hope – as long as I have that, I can have faith.—

      Katy, I so love that sentence.

      Thank you, Dear. Xx

  • Reply
    Dad
    February 11, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    I am so glad you never lost your faith in God (Jesus). He is our only hope in this life and the life after.

    Love You More Than 9 Swans and a Partridge In a Pear Tree
    Daddy

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:01 am

      Daddy,
      I love you more that than 10 Panthers napping & purring in the Kenyan Sun.

      Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    February 11, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    I can’t even begin to know what your pain is like.
    And I am in awe that you still turn to God.
    I can’t.
    I just can’t bring myself to talk to him her whatever.
    Not after what I went through and what so many others go through.
    I believe in God.
    Do I love Him?
    No.
    Kimberly recently posted..Secret Mommy-hood Confession SaturdayMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    February 11, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Feck I’m typing from my iPod and wanted to add that I am so proud of you for
    Posting this. Not a lot of people would.
    That’s why I love you.
    Xoxo
    Kimberly recently posted..Secret Mommy-hood Confession SaturdayMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:03 am

      –Kimberly,

      I understand completley.

      …At least you believe…that’s a start.

      I just don’t get why we need to struggle so much on this earth.

      I don’t know why I need to live w/ out my sister on this earth.

      I don’t know why you need to have PPD & medical issues on this earth.

      You know?

      Love you….

  • Reply
    Tara
    February 11, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    That’s because when it’s all said and done, He’s the only thing left. Everything in this world – every person, place, or object – will eventually come to an end. And at the end of the day, we all return to Him.

    That’s why God commanded us to “have no gods before Him.” People make “other gods” out of the things of this world, but none of those things end up fulfilling them. They only end up worse (you see it all the time with addiction, but I’m getting way off here).

    It’s only when we’ve hit rock bottom – when there’s nothing else to partake of in this world – that we recognize Him, our need for Him. You see that now, Kim. I don’t know why God felt the need to take Kay so soon, but you’ll find out when He’s ready for you to. In the meanwhile, think about how your relationship with Him has changed (both good and bad) as a result of this.

    I’m sure no matter how angry you are at Him, you continue to love Him. That’s called grace, my dear. To love Him in spite of your troubles is no small feat, and it makes Him smile unimaginably. Don’t think your faith and devotion goes unnoticed by Him, because they are the very virtues He’s trying to bless you with.

    Love you,
    Tara

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:06 am

      “””– every person, place, or object – will eventually come to an end. And at the end of the day, we all return to Him. “””””

      Yes, Kay is already there.

      I do love HIM. I always have. Always. Always.

      Tara, your words continually soak inside.

      God sent me you. I thank Him for that.

      Xxx Love You.xxx

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    February 11, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Dear Kim,
    I held unto the fact that I was so lucky to have this person in my life and I felt bad for those who never knew them, I was talking about David today and said of all days to leave, he picked Thanksgiving. I had to think quickly about what I was thankful for and he is on the top. It still pains me a great deal, but I guess he and God are looking out for me.
    and I love that you are uncoventional- I think that is why we found each other.
    xxx
    elizabeth

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:07 am

      –Dear e,
      I’ve known you my whole life, dearest.

      And I’ve loved you my whole life, as well. Xxx

  • Reply
    Debbie
    February 11, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    You write so beautifully and it always moves me. I can always feel what you write. What I hold on to is God….because he is everything and everything we have comes from him. When things are going well for me I tend to forget that…..but he is always there for me when things get rough. I am reminded of how much he loves us everytime I think of my children and how much I love them…..
    Debbie recently posted..Snickerdoodle BarsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:09 am

      ~~~Debbie,
      So lovely.
      Thank you for those words. They are appreciated.

      xxx

  • Reply
    Deb
    February 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    Kim,

    I read somewhere, long ago, if your relationship with God seems more distant, make no mistake about who moved.

    While I have no use for religion (man-made dogma), I could not exist one day without God. Yes, there have been times when I’ve moved. Times when I’ve screamed out. Times when I’ve been completely
    s i l e n t.
    But He’s always been there when I’ve come back ~ arms open. It’s called grace and I am forever thankful.

    {{{hugs}}} to you

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:12 am

      — Arms Wide Open.—

      Yes. I know He is waiting. I know this.

      I am walking to Him very slowly….slowly. And I am falling, too.

      beautiful words, Deb. thank you. Xx

  • Reply
    nan @ lbddiaries
    February 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    I only had God to hold on to during those darkest hours. I am forever grateful God loved me no matter what, and loves me in all my foibles, especially when I blamed Him when He was, and is always, blameless. He doesn’t take people, He doesn’t kill, steal and destroy, He doesn’t perpetuate evil (there is no evil in Him so He can’t), and He was with me all the time through all the horrors, waiting, waiting, waiting for me to turn to Him for that hiding place of peace I needed so desperately. I didn’t know it wasn’t His fault and thank goodness I kept turning to Him until I understood that.

    He gave us free will; He can’t take that away by doing things that take our free will away, like force us to love or serve or obey Him. Free will means He may say, “Walk this way, don’t walk that way” and we can choose not to listen. Then when trouble comes, even though we blame Him, He loves us so much, He makes a way to help us through. Because of love.

    We so tie His hands with our lack of knowledge of Him, of what His Bible says, of His heart, of His love for us, of His desire to give and give and give to us like a father, of His desire for us to obey His Word so we can be truly blessed, and to truly wallow in His amazingly huge arms of love.
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..Romance In Real LifeMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:16 am

      —Nan,
      I agree.
      The evil was inside the murderer. He killed Kay. Nobody Else.

      I guess, what I wonder is why God allowed it???

      btw, I’ve NEVER stopped loving God. NEVER. I just question this life of pain, I guess. You know, Why we need to live w/ so much pain.

      I wake up and say “God, I’m still here w/out my sister. Please USE ME!”

      I love you, Nan. Xx

  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    February 11, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    Somehow, I also always knew, somehow, I know God is here. When I was younger, I called upon drugs. But even they lead me back to God. Or, rather, God found ways to get in. I am indebted, incredibly humbly indebted to God for pulling me through.
    Wild Child Mama recently posted..Valentine’s Day Winners!My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:17 am

      ((((—But even they (the drugs ) lead me back to God–)))

      Oh, that gave me chills.

      I can’t wait to read your entire story, Wild Child. Xxxxx

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    February 11, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Kim, we love you because you’re not conventional. I’m glad that you have God to get you through the terrible things that you’ve been going through xxx
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..Iron Chef, CabramattaMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:18 am

      –Lorraine,
      Kisses flowing to Austrailia… Xxx

  • Reply
    Emily
    February 11, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    Beautifully said, but so very sad. I hope my faith would prove as strong as yours if I was ever so deeply tested.

    Thinking of you —
    Emily recently posted..The Light in Her RoomMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:21 am

      –Emily,

      A week before Kay was murdered I told her, “I could not live without you!”

      But I am…sort of.

      And I must say … This damn test SUCKS.

      Xxx

  • Reply
    Phil
    February 12, 2012 at 12:58 am

    Faith, very much like life itself, is a constant struggle. Your last four lines above say it all Kim.

    Hugs to you and your family.
    Phil recently posted..Ad Hoc Random Dinner PartyMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:22 am

      Hugs back to you, sweet Phil.

      Without Faith, we have nothing… xx

  • Reply
    The Bipolar Diva
    February 12, 2012 at 12:59 am

    The only thing I have to hold on to id my Father, my Creator, even though I know I walk a very thin line, a line that would lead many to question my faith, my salvation. Yet I continue to walk it. I’m not sure why. Even as I write this I know I’m in a world unknown, or unspoken of, by “Christians.” Kim, you’ve opened a door tonight, one that needs thought, contemplation. But I’m not sure I have the strength to walk into the light from the darkness I’ve surrounded myself with. Or maybe I don’t want to….Christians aren’t supposed to admit that are they?
    The Bipolar Diva recently posted..The Loss of LoveMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:24 am

      –Diva,
      Walk away from the dark into the light.

      Today.

      Even though I’m pissed as hell at my God, I know he is waiting for me. His arms are open. & Kay is with Him, too.

      Walk away…Walk away….

      And please know.

      I love you, dear. Xx

      But not more than GOD.

      • Reply
        The Bipolar Diva
        February 13, 2012 at 12:05 am

        Thanks Kim, but the chains can be so heavy.
        The Bipolar Diva recently posted..The Loss of LoveMy Profile

        • Reply
          Kim Sisto-Robinson
          February 13, 2012 at 6:25 am

          Diva,
          I know. I know. Believe me, I know.

          Cry out to God as I am doing… Xxx

  • Reply
    Hilary
    February 12, 2012 at 5:55 am

    In my darkest hours, I think of my dad… He passed away when I was 14, and I know that he is always looking out for me, just like your sister is doing for you…
    Hilary recently posted..Don’t lose me…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:25 am

      –Hilary,

      That’s a very comforting thought. Xx Love.

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    February 12, 2012 at 6:35 am

    I get such a warm and fuzzy feeling at the thought of you and Kay reuniting Kim – AWESOME stuff!
    Love from sunny SA.
    🙂 Mandy xo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:26 am

      —Ohhh, Mandy,
      I had a dream about that.

      I ran up to her and screamed “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!!!!!!!!”

      and then I started kisssing her all over her cheeks…

      It was beautiful.

      Xxxx Kiss for you in South Africa.

  • Reply
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles
    February 12, 2012 at 7:10 am

    “I just knew what I knew” ~ this is the passage that resonated most with me… I feel the same way and have always been guided by my quiet, inner knowing… I believe that one’s faith, whatever that may be, is critical in times of trouble and loss.

    Blessings to you beautiful Kim – xo
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles recently posted..Roasted Salmon in a Strawberry-Balsamic ReductionMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 8:27 am

      –Kelly,

      Thank you for your quiet, powerful voice…

      I so appreciate you, dearest. Xx

  • Reply
    Pam Hogeweide
    February 12, 2012 at 8:36 am

    Same here. In my darkest hour (when one of my best friends and her toddler were killed in a headon collision) my world fractured, yet my faith did not.

    There is a beautiful line in Song of Solomon of the bible where the lover says of his beloved, “You are like a lily growing among the thorns.”

    That’s what faith in the goodness and love of God in the thick of tragedy and heartache looks like, a stunning contradiction.

    God bless you Kim for having no accusation in your spirit towards the Creator for your tragic losses. I am so glad you are vocal about this as you likely will help inspire others who are coping in their own bed of thorns.

    (hug)

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 1:56 pm

      ~~~Beautiful & Insightful.

      —Bed Of Thorns—-

      I sooo love that symobolism.

      You know, I pondered for a VERY LONG time…. and I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing really matters w/ out God. I mean, what does it all mean?
      To Live. To Die. No More.
      No. No. No.

      Hug back to you, Dear,Pam. Xxoo

    • Reply
      Laci
      February 12, 2012 at 8:34 pm

      That is very beautiful!
      Laci recently posted..Random Phone PicturesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lola
    February 12, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Faith is a tricky thing for me. I believe that there is a higher level of spirituality than what most of us experience in our day to day lives. I believe that people can transcend and be more than just our bodies. I believe that there is something to all of the “coincidences” in life, and even the tragedies. Something we just can’t see and aren’t meant to understand. I believe that as living creatures, we are all connected. But do I believe in A God? ONE God. ONE dude who created and oversees everything? Not just in our universe but in every other? DIfficult for me. Even my husband (who isn’t even close to Godly but thinks he is) can’t run our little sandwich shop all alone. Does God have a crew? Do they get paid hourly or are they on salary? I hope they get health benefits. Anyway, I just hope my struggle to believe doesn’t piss him off when I die and try to break in to Heaven. I bet the alarm system up there is state-of-the-art.
    Lola recently posted..Good News, Bad NewsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 2:02 pm

      ~~~~Lola,
      I believe we all need to find our own way.

      I am still trying to find mine, ya know? I have many questions. I have much pain. I am lonely w’/ out my sister.

      And I cannot do it alone. I admit it. I’ll shout it from the hilltops.

      HELP ME!!!!!! Help me! I need Help!

      I don’t think you’ll need to break into Heaven. Perhaps God will declare….

      “Come on in. Kim’s here already! Come meet her for a glass of wine!!” Xxxxx

  • Reply
    Irene
    February 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    I’m not a religious person, Kim, but I do greatly respect your beliefs! We all have different beliefs and perceptions of faith. But whatever they may be, if that is what holds us together during distress and tragedy then that is what counts.
    Irene recently posted..The Birds-Pennsylvania StyleMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 5:15 pm

      –Amen, Sister.

      Xxx Kiss from MN.

  • Reply
    Laci
    February 12, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Beautifully written!! Again, brought tears to my eyes. I know first hand that it is very difficult to keep faith when something horrible has happened. I learned early in life that everything happens for a reason, or at least that’s what I had to tell myself not to go insane. Over the past 20 plus years I had no idea what the reason for being abused when I was a child, but I now know and am going back to college and going to work with abused women and children. It’s hard to think that God would allow us to be hurt in such harsh ways. It’s hard not to be upset with Him for letting these things happen to us and to our loved ones. Sending many hugs your way.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 12, 2012 at 9:44 pm

      –Laci,
      I ‘m proud of you for moving forward, going to college, and helping others…

      Our Pain allows us to understand other peoples’ pain…

      But i’m trying to move forward, as well. I’m trying…

      Xxx Kiss from me.

  • Reply
    Ann
    February 12, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Kim~ that post was both poetry and prayer….and heart shatteringly beautiful.

    The fact that you cling to God in both Thanksgiving and despair means (to me) that your faith is truly a thing of beauty…. I can only imagine some of your darkest hours, but I wish you peace, always.

    Hugs to you~
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  • Reply
    Tere Anne
    February 13, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Congrats – you have been awarded…
    Check it out!
    http://teresworld.blogspot.com/2012/02/blogging-awards-woo-hoo.html
    Tere
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  • Reply
    Kristy @PampersandPinot
    February 13, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    I do believe in God and a higher power, bigger than me and all of us, that exists in love all around us, and mostly in ways that we do not understand or comprehend.
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  • Reply
    Janice
    February 13, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    Writing. It’s all I have left after multiple losses over the past couple of years including death (Mom), two long time friendships, marriage of 32 years (walked with nothing, basically just to get out), etc All I have is my writing. But it seems to be enough. I am still here. Holding onto you tightly from afar, lovely xo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 14, 2012 at 6:22 am

      –Dear, Janice,

      HOLD ON)))) HOLD ON)))))

      HOLD ON w/ ALL YOUR MIGHT! Xxxx

  • Reply
    Brenda
    February 13, 2012 at 11:10 pm

    My inner strength is what I hold on to, dark, darker, black, even when I am in free-fall. I trust in myself. I don’t have floaties or water wings. I have to be able to stand on my own after and only when I am out of the black will I allow myself to breathe. Wishes for miracles I save for those who do not have the same trust in their strength. After and before everything else, there is always writing.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 14, 2012 at 6:24 am

      –Brenda,

      I am pleased you can do it all on your own…

      I cannot! I CANNOT!

      I guess I don’t have trust in my strength, for I am weak…weak….

      I have trust in my God.

      Xx

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    February 14, 2012 at 5:07 am

    I hope you find a bit of light this V-day.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 14, 2012 at 6:25 am

      —You, Too. B. D. Xxx HAPPY Day.

  • Reply
    Impulsive Addict
    February 14, 2012 at 11:04 am

    I’ve watched God take babies away. I watched God take little helpless toddlers away (no thanks to CANCER) but I’ve never lost my faith. It’s hard to watch Him take away little innocent children and babies from parents who wanted them so much. Death is never easy (as you well know). I still get choked up thinking about my grandpa dying and he’s been gone for 5 years this month. But I stay strong in my faith and remember that he has a bigger purpose for them.

    Have a great day Miss Kim! xoxox
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 14, 2012 at 3:58 pm

      Dear, Impulsive,

      I awaken every morning and say:

      “””What are you going to do with me, God?”””

      I am soooooooooooo sad w/out my sister.

      Yes. He is Bigger!
      I must remember that.

      Xxx Kiss from Duluth.

  • Reply
    Stacy Uncorked
    February 14, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    We could be sisters separated at birth because you, my friend, have described me to a “T”. I always explain that I’m a Christian, but I’m not a Bible Thumper. 🙂

    I’m so SO sorry about your sister. ((HUGZ!!))
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 14, 2012 at 3:59 pm

      Brava, Stacey,

      Finalllly somebody who understands me!! Xxx

  • Reply
    Sarah @ This Heavenly Life
    February 14, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    Such bravery, here. I don’t know how to express myself right now in this faith-puddle I’ve been wading through. I know God. I love Jesus — OH, I love Jesus. But I get so lost and angry and…confused by the world. Why is the world so confusing?

    But I try to remind myself — being angry or confused is okay. Jesus got angry. It was real. He used it to get stuff done, you know?

    I just worry that my emotions will only STOP me from getting anything done.

    Anyway, I’m rambling now, thankyouverymuch. I’m glad I came across you and this post, and I’m so sorry for the loss you’re enduring. Accept hugs from a stranger?
    Sarah @ This Heavenly Life recently posted..In LoveMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 14, 2012 at 8:45 pm

      –Yes,
      I accept hugs from strangers!

      I agree about Jesus. I loooove Him.

      But I don’t know WHY He’d leave me here upon the earth without
      my best friend, soul mate,& sister.

      I don’t get it. I’m pissed about it. Really pissed.

      I hate it w/out her.

      I have lots of questions for that guy! Don’t you? Xx

  • Reply
    Nicole
    February 14, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    The only thing I can offer you is this quote from Nichole Nordeman’s song “Miles”:

    It may be miles and miles before the journey’s clear,
    Maybe rivers, maybe oceans of tears,
    But the very Hand that shields your eye from understanding
    Is the Hand that will be holding you for miles……
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 15, 2012 at 6:29 am

      -Nicole,

      I love that soooo very much.

      Thank you. Xx

  • Reply
    Drenouch
    February 15, 2012 at 12:08 am

    During my darkest hours, I never fail to ask for God’s help… With the death of my beloved father, I call onto Him and asked him to have my beloved father on His hand. I know that God will not give me trials I could not take, He loves the world so much that he will listen as we call up to Him. Father God will hear our prayers…
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  • Reply
    Seriously Shawn
    February 15, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Death is never easy whether you time to “prepare” or it was a sudden loss. It sucks, it hurts and it leaves you wondering why. One day we’ll find out but in the mean time we must never loose sight of Gods greater wisdom and we know He does everything for a reason.

  • Reply
    Pure Complex
    February 15, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Well.. if you ask me.. I think you’re a wonderful person. I love coming here reading about you.. and I love your side of bitcheness lol. You always have something to say and that’s what I love.. strong woman :). Great post
    Pure Complex recently posted..Traditonal mix, with ModernMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 15, 2012 at 4:09 pm

      –And I feel the same way about you, Sister. Xx

  • Reply
    Kirsty
    February 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Kind words I’d say. Those made my day, Thanks!
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  • Reply
    Athena
    February 18, 2012 at 4:30 am

    Kim,
    Sad to know what happened to your sister. I just wish the culprit will be touched by his conscience and surrender. I’ll pray for the soul of Kay.
    That’s the right thing to do Kim, never forget God. He’s the only answer to all our problems and struggles. Never quit believing in him. God Bless!
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 18, 2012 at 6:48 am

      –Athena,
      As I said above, I’ve never lost my faith…only my religion.

      I love God. Without Him, I’m nothing.

      I know where Kay’s soul is. I shall see her soon.

      Xxx

  • Reply
    Bella
    February 18, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Kim, this post has moved me. Your words always move me, but this one is exceptional. This one has made me inhale, deeply, till my lungs can no longer suck in air. The tears flow as I remember the dark times in my own life where I have screamed at God, questioned His ways, blamed Him for my state of misery. And yet despite all my abuse, my ignorance and my out of control ways, God has never abandoned me. Tired and spent, literally so tired I can hardly draw breath, I have felt relief at the thought that God looks over me, always. I read your words and think, I am not alone. Someone else has felt this despair. Of course, in my case, I have been spared the pain you undergo every day. In my case, I have cried for the loss of someone who lived a long and fruitful life, like in the case of my nana and daddy. And even then, I have been to Hades and back,. Hence, I can only imagine how strong your faith is. For sure they were thinking of you when they wrote the old adage of “Faith can move mountains,” sister. You inspire me, hell, you inspire all of us, to pick up the pieces and carry on. Thank you for reminding us of the importance of believing. Believing even when we feel we should stop believing. Believing even when our heart has lost a chunk and life seems dim and dark. Believing, because He is with us and though we might feel lonely, we are never alone because He is always with us. Hugs for you, sweet lady.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 18, 2012 at 4:51 pm

      ~~~NOBODY,
      and I mean, nobody, can leave words of substance and depth on a page like you can.

      Everytime I read your comments, my body & mind fills up with love, inspiration, & yes, —even a bit of strength….

      and I think…I think….thru my weakness…..

      Yes. Perhaps I can make it
      One. More. Day.

      Much Love flowing flowing directly to you, Sweet Sweet Sweet Bella. Xx

  • Reply
    ed newman
    March 3, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Moving tribute page here. When I was a very young man I was often ashamed to be a man because of the way many men behaved, esp. in treatment of women. I had a best friend freshman year in college who two years I learned had date raped a friend of a friend of mine. No one talked about those things. Our paths had parted by then but my sadness continued.
    There is much much pain and sadness and brokenness in the the world. I commend you the courage to move forward, to keep the faith and to continue making a statement to respect life, respect others and to live.
    Wishing you the best of all worlds.
    e.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 3, 2012 at 12:44 pm

      Ed,
      The world needs more men like you inside of it :))

      So nice to meet you at Beaners.

      K.

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