Picking Up The Pieces

 

~“How are you?”  She asks.

 

“Okay,” I say.

 

“I’m waiting for the day you shout out Fantastic,” she smiles.

 

I shake my head.
That’s all.

 

What else can I do?

 

I mean, how would she know?
How could she possibly know…

 

that I think about Kay
Every.  Waking.   Moment.

 

I ponder if I should explain, enlighten, tell her my sad sad
story.

 

Tell her I’m just surviving, breathing, living.   That’s all.

 

Because this is what one does after a murder in the family.

 

I want to tell her that some days I lay in bed wondering how
things might have been different if only I’d known, been pro-active, did
something about the son-of-a-bitch.

 

Did something.

 

Did  S O M E T H I  N G.

 

For example…

 

I should have broken every fucking finger on each hand so he
couldn’t pick up a gun.

 

I should have taped his mouth with duct tape so he couldn’t
utter her  name.

 

I want to tell her how I question my existence more times
than not.

 

Why was I left behind to pick up the pieces?

 

I’ll never be able to pick up all of the pieces.

 

How can the heart continue beating?

 

How can the body continue to walk thru darkness?

 

It hurts.

 

And I fucking hate hurting.

 

Perhaps she should know I visit the cemetery on Saturdays now
instead of going to Barnes & Noble with my sister for triple chocolate peanut butter pie.

 

Perhaps she should  know
I’ll never be Fantastic.  Not really.

But I simply smile.

 

What else can I do?

 

“Tell me all about your weekend.”  I say.

Dear, Reader,  is
there a time you should have been pro-active, but you were not?

My sister and soul-mate was murdered by Mike Peterson 590 days ago …  My Life Shattered,  & I still can’t pick up all of the pieces.

800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

In Memory of Kay

CLick Here NOW if you are being physically abused, verbally abused,

emotionally abused, belittled, diminished, finacially abused,

sexually abused, or  minimized in any way…>>pink lips A Safety Plan to Get Out Today

 

 

In Memory of Kay

102 comments

  1. CB says:

    So very very sorry! I wish women had the physical strength of men. I have always wished for this. Where would male assholes be then, if the no-longer-weaker sex could take them down, just like that?

    If only.
    CB recently posted..have to and have to beMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      CB,
      the reason the murderer shot my sister in the back of the head is because he knew if she saw it coming … she would fight him, she would fucking fight him.

      He was a coward.

      And he died a coward

      Thanks for reading. X

  2. Ann says:

    Ahh, Kim. I’m sorry. I know how hard some days can be. I wish there is a day that you can say fantastic, too!

    Looking back, there are certainly times that I wish I had taken that leap and acted…but hindsight is 20/20.

    Hugs to you, always my friend!
    Ann recently posted..Almond Crusted ChickenMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Ann,
      Nothing can be done now….but other women reading this may see themselves in this blog post.

      & Follow their instinct…

      I hope so.

      Thank you, dear Ann, for reading. Xx Love.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Hi, Michael Ann,

      sometimes I still awaken and feel “”JOY”””
      and then I remember…

      OOO, my sister is not here. My sister was murdered.

      One needs to go forward. That is what I am trying to do.

      Thank you for reading my crying, lamenting, & sorrow.

      Xx Kiss

  3. lisa says:

    Kim, I cannot possibly imagine how much you are hurting, but sweetheart, you must know that this was NOT your fault. You cannot hold yourself responsible for the actions of such an evil individual. It was his doing, not yours. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that someday in the not too distant future, you will be able to say that you are fantastic when someone asks. I believe that Kay would want that too.

    Sending you hugs.

    xo.
    lisa recently posted..SingularMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Linda,
      —–He took so much…so very much.

      a mother of three sons, a sister, a daughter, a soul-mate, a friend, and the best person I have ever known.

      Love to you, dear. xx

  4. mamawolfe says:

    My friend, that is one of the more painful parts of being human. The desire to turn back time, the ‘if I’d only…’, the regrets. I know you are not alone in wishing to have been more proactive. I know that doesn’t make it any better, but maybe it will make me think twice before I stay silent.
    mamawolfe recently posted..Driving Lessons Part One: The Early YearsMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Mamawolfe,

      Yes. This is the reason for this post.

      NEVER STAY SILENT.

      It is too late for my family…but not for other women reading this.

      Xx

  5. I just read this wonderful book, Olive Kitteridge. I HIGHLY recommend it … in it there is a wonderful scene. Olive, who is this larger-than-life, big boned woman sees this anorexic girl and says something like,”I don’t know who you are, but you are breakin’ my heart…” She proceeds to tell the anorexic that she is also starving, which of course the anorexic finds hard to believe, questiuons her. Olive says”Why do you think I eat all these donuts? I am starving. Everybody is…”
    Ain’t that the truth? Some people just know it more than others.

    xxoo SB.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –”””Everybody is Starving…”””

      Yes! Yes!

      What a beautiful way to describe mourning, dear Susan. xx

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard when we have to carry on like life is good when we are breaking inside. Thank you for sharing your story so anyone who reads it knows that when they have a feeling, act on it. I hope you are also taking care of yourself and seeking someone to talk to about your feelings.
    Ms. Understood recently posted..You did what . . .My Profile

  7. Monica says:

    “Why was I left behind to pick up all the pieces?” It was for a reason, for this blog, for getting Kay’s message out. For making us love her as much as we love you. For so many reasons, you keep us going. I’m so sorry, Kim. I’m so sorry. XX00
    Monica recently posted..The Other Shoe DropsMy Profile

  8. Dear Kim, yes, there was a time when I wish I could have been more pro-active! I too was in an abusive relationship and it took a couple of years to find the courage to speak out! But I did finally and thank God everyday that I did! I don’t see the scar on my nose every morning anymore – then again, that could just be the lighting in my bathroom in the early hours, either way I don’t allow it to suffocate me even though it is there all of the time. The only time I have a real problem now days is when I see violence in movies or on the news – freaks me out! I was one of the lucky ones who had him put away in jail as well as house arrest but sadly somewhere along the line, the court documents got screwed up so it didn’t last very long. I was not the first but I certainly I hope that I was the last! Here’s hoping jail scared the crap out of him.
    Sending you love, hugs and kisses my friend.
    :-) Mandy xo
    Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..Savoury PancakesMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Dear, Mandy,

      I did not know this about you.

      I am so happy that you had the strength to get out, to get help, to begin a new life.

      thank you for telling me about this. I know it is hard for some women to admit…

      Xxx Kiss for you in South Africa.

      • Must say, it is not something I talk about often – not for any other reason than that was a different life and I don’t always want to rehash it – if you know what I mean. It definitely shaped who I am today but I don’t feel the need to have to use it as a talking point as I only like to focus and put my energy into positive things and not negative. I kind of see it like driving a car – you can’t keep looking in your rear view mirror because if you do you won’t see the road ahead of you so you need to look through the windscreen otherwise you could have an accident if you don’t focus on the road ahead but always be aware of what is in your rear view mirror – hope that makes sense.
        Much love, xoxoxo
        Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..My new “real” cameraMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      —-Lorraine,
      My hope is that others see themselves in this blog, in Kay’s life & get the hell OUT.

      Sending you love in Australia, dearest. xx

  9. Kim, you loved your sister with all your heart and never would have hurt her. Please don’t blame yourself. I know a little bit of what you’re feeling: after my mom died, I kept thinking: I didn’t care for her as well as I should have, I didn’t cook her favorite meals, I didn’t have the presence of mind to put on her favorite music as she lay dying, etc etc… I should have done X, Y, Z. If only…. But we’re only human, and we do the best we can. We can never be perfect.
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..The Fennel ForagerMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Jann,
      so very true.
      I guess that is human nature.
      I just want my sister BACK.
      That’s what is comes down to. Xxx

  10. Marie says:

    I can’t ease your pain Kim. I can’t take you in my arms and tell you you will feel better tomorrow, cause it would be a lie and I hate lies.
    Only know that despite the distance that separate us I pray for you, for Kay, for life, for love.

    You couldn’t do anything before. Now you give Kay a voice, you let her memory be an example for the women who suffer. It will never bring her back, but you are doing the best you can do.

    Take care. Much love from me to you.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Marie,
      I will be Kay’s voice as long as I have my own.

      Always. Forever.

      thank you. I send you love in return. x

  11. Irene says:

    Sometimes therapists are a pain in the ass.

    How could she possibly know what and how you’re feeling?

    “How are you?” What a stupid question.

    How the hell does she think you feel?

    She should be asking “How can I help you?” I mean you are paying her to make you feel better.
    Irene recently posted..The Cover LetterMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Irene,
      What it comes down to is NOBODY can make things better….

      One just needs to put one foot in front of the other & try to LIVE….

      inspite of everything.

      Xx Kisses for you.

  12. Oh gosh. I can’t think of a time right now but I’m sure. Haven’t we all faced that before? I’m sure back in high school when my mean bully friends were bullying around perfectly nice girls, I should have stepped in but where were my peeps when I got shoved in a locker by a girl for dating her ex-boyfriend? TRUE STORY!

    Girls are mean. The end.

    HUGS TO YOU!
    Impulsive Addict recently posted..Weigh-in WednesdayMy Profile

  13. Kimberly says:

    Sweets,

    I know that you wish you could turn back the clocks and do all of those things to prevent this horrific tragedy. I know that you’d give anything to be able to do that.
    What happened was terrible…that’s not a strong enough word. I am angry for you. I am angry for your sister. I’m angry at that asshole who played God that day…
    I wish that I could give you my shoulder…so that you didn’t have to carry so much of that heavy weight in your heart and soul.
    I wish I had the right words to say.
    All I can do is tell you that I love you.
    Kay loves you.
    xoxoxo
    Kimberly recently posted..I’m A Pretty Big Thing In H-TownMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      —Kimberly,

      Thank you for your continual support, words & love.

      It is appreciated more than you know. Xxx Love.

  14. aurora says:

    Hi, Kim,
    Nobody is perfect.
    I have railed against injustice in organizations, cities and non-profit societies. Petitioned, wrote letters to stake holders, held rallies, spoken at meetings, and gained satisfaction in most cases in the form of positive change. Where I did not, I simply raised awareness. You, however, raise awareness greatly.
    Despite my successes, I have been reticent in some dark corners of my life and wish I could have done more. I think knowing what to do is the key. I simply knew not what to do and the “machine” was too big for me to tackle before I learned what I did not yet know. We cannot know what we do not yet know. Be kind to yourself, your efforts do not go unnoticed, your message is not unheard.
    Loving Kindness Always,
    Hugs,
    Janice
    aurora recently posted..Indignant Apologetics Sprout Among UsMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      “””””””” We cannot know what we do not yet know.”””””””

      This pretty much says it all.

      How true & profound.

      thank you for your insight, Janice. Xxx

  15. I followed you home from my place and am sitting here with tears in my eyes and my heart. I am so sorry. I wish I could promise that you would find fantastic again. I hope you can find fantastic again.
    Grief is such a bitch and pokes you in the eyes with sharp sticks. And you think you have dislodged her and turn around and there she is, as large and ugly as ever.

    Thank you for your lovely comment.
    Elephant’s Child recently posted..CelebrationMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Elephant’s Child,

      Yes. It’s a bitch. It comes and comes and comes like sharp sticks in the eyes… and it is soooo hidiously ugly.

      This describes mourning and grief beautifully.

      xx

  16. You are should-ing on yourself, dear. He would never have let you break his fingers without you getting seriously hurt yourself. Not that you wouldn’t put yourself there for your sister, I’m sure you would, but you know what I mean?

    Something I should have been proactive about? Oh, man. There are many regrets in my life including choices I could have made differently that led up to a rape.

    Yes, I really said that.

    There are no easy answers when it comes to reconciling regret.
    Kristy @PampersandPinot recently posted..Stop Thinking so Much (for crying out loud)My Profile

  17. Cheryl Lewis says:

    Kim,

    I will forever wear a bracelet on my arm where there was once a relationship with my favorite nephew. That is all. It will never be enough.

    One day – and, when it arrives, it will surely seem no time has passed – we’ll be reunited in a Way more satisfying than this place of brokenness. And then we’ll know the answers to our why’s.

    Best of all, we will feel utter joy to be in His presence (& we’ll finally recognize that we always have been).

    I love you, my friend. Your grieving honors the beauty that He gifted you, even if it feels she was here far too briefly. Your strength, borne of what her love (and His) instilled in you, does the same.

    Xoxo,
    Cheryl

    • –And I love you, Cheryl,

      One day we will leave this world of brokeness and be reunited w/ our greatest loves…& Our God.

      I look forward to running into Kay’s arms…

      I have so much to tell her.

      How are you, my dear, Cheryl? xxxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Picking Up The PiecesMy Profile

  18. Vidya Sury says:

    I read this (and all your posts about Kay) and I feel slightly inadequate – as if I missed doing something I should have, Kim – probably because I feel your feelings too. The loss is so unfair and you can’t help but wonder whether things couldn’t have been different.

    I am so very sorry for your loss – I understand how it must feel. Time will never make a difference because those moments and thoughts will always be raw. As. Hell.

    In January 2010, I thought my Mom was going to be perfectly okay. I had nursed her through lung fibrosis, thrombocytopenia (low platelet count in the blood), reduced kidney function, failing eyesight, lung tuberculosis, spinal tuberculosis, a whole lot of intermittent depression and frustration – and thought she finally deserved a break – sadly, on Feb 3, one of her lungs collapsed and she had to be rushed to hospital. After being on full life-support till Feb 8, she stopped breathing. Her heart stopped functioning. And even on Feb 3 morning, we were joking about the menu she was planning for Feb 9, my wedding anniversary. Even though I know I did everything I could – I can’t help wondering if there was something I should have done – that would have kept her alive today. i don’t know. I can only wonder and cry. because she was my best friend and I loved her so.

    I can only mourn with you, Kim. Know that I feel your pain in my heart.

    Love and kisses, Vidya.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..RelationshipsMy Profile

    • –Vidya,
      your words are abundantly beautiful and moving.

      I know how much you love your mother…

      …so you can understand the GREAT void one needs to live with.

      “””Raw. As. Hell.””

      Yes, Vidya. This describes it perfectly.

      Sending you much love to India. Xxxx And Many kisses
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Picking Up The PiecesMy Profile

  19. Brenda says:

    Kim – I think everyone would answer yes to your question, but the circumstances are most probably different. So me answering you and explaining when and why would mean nothing in this context. Nothing at all. I can’t tell you how to feel or what to believe or that tomorrow will be different. I might suggest that one weekend you do go to Barnes and Nobel on weekend and have that pie, or at least a cup of coffee. Part of me suspects your sister, as she is watching down over you, would like you do remember her as she lived.
    Brenda recently posted..Finding CourageMy Profile

  20. Dad says:

    Kim, We will never forget Kay, and we will always wonder if we could have done something to stop it.
    Who ever thought anything like that would happen? We all have some regrets, but i guess
    that is natural.
    By the way tell MR. Liverpool (“HAPPY BIRTHDAY”)

    Love More Than Chocolate Cake
    Daddy

  21. paul says:

    Siamese cats bathing on a sidewalk in June? I have one named “Blue- Eyes”, and her daughter…”Dumplin”, who is right now laying on my computer vying with the keyboard for attention…

    And, of course…she gets it…taking me 20 minutes to type this simple comment…
    By the way, I am Awarding you the “Reader Appreciation” Flower…

    I would be honored if you would stop by my site after I post the recipients tomorrow and read the dedication, as well as pick the badge up and post it.

    I also wanted to ask you about your badge,..the HTML code thing on your site? Is that free for the posting to anyone who wants to ? I mean, I would be honored to post a link on my site to yours in anyway possible.

    Bless You
    paul
    paul recently posted..BUZZ- KILL- MONSANTOMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      Hi, Paul,

      My badge can be copy and pasted to your site. (just copy the code)

      Blue Eyes. I love that name So much :))

      Love.

  22. I don’t have the right words for you.

    So let me just say I love my little sister (16 months younger than I am) and I will never take for granted that I still have her.

    Thank you for that gift of perspective.
    And please know that besides the strength you offer others here, there is that too.

    Always.

  23. She was beautiful. I can see that. But so are you. I can read that. I hate that you have survivor’s guilt, but I know that in your place I would feel the same damned way. I don’t know if this would help, but here’s an idea. Don’t stop going to the cemetary on Saturdays. But one Saturday go to Barnes and Noble on the way. Buy Kay a book. And start reading it to her. One chapter a week. Or two if it’s at a really good part. Who knows about the afterlife. But maybe she’ll hear you. And maybe your heart will heal. Because you don’t deserve the abuse you’re serving yourself in her absence.
    Jessie Powell recently posted..Trifecta: Friday Check-InMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Jessie,

      If I did not believe I’d be seeing Kay again, this horrific process of mourning would be intensified by a million.

      I will. see her again.

      I just need to decide how I want/ need to live.

      XX Thank you for your lovely comment and suggestion.

  24. elizabeth says:

    Kim, my dear friend,
    when my friend’s good friend killed herself, my friend said to whoever would listen, “If I had known what was going on, I could have stopped it.” what stopped her from saying that was what a therapist said to her one day. This sounds really tough and cold, but here is what she said, “where do you get off thinking you could have prevented that?” that stopped my friend in her tracks and we talked about it a lot. Kay’s demonic husband had it in his mind that day to end your sister’s life and no one could have stopped it. Since May 26th so many of us wish we could give you back Kay, but we can’t.
    You loved kay and were the best sister. you can’t fault yourself for what other people do or did. We know that. Kay knows that.

    love you. elizabeth

  25. I have such a hard time being pro-active, but it’s stories like yours that remind me how imperative it is sometimes.

    I will say, however, that having kids forces me to be pro-active on their behalf. And I’m thankful for that.

  26. Elizabeth says:

    Oh My Gosh. my heart broke a little when I got to the end. I send you a hug! I could not image having this happen and I am so sorry that you are going through this! Prayers to you and your Family!!

    XOXOXOX –

    Elizabeth

  27. Sandy Webb says:

    Most have no idea of the pain you suffer. I have no idea…I have not lost my sister. I do understand grief and I do know that it is easier to say “I’m OK” than it is to say how you really are feeling. Truth is, most don’t really want to know how we truly are. Most just want to stick their heads in the sand and ignore that fact that we are still grieving. It is too difficult for them…..too painful for them. Yet, not even close to the pain we endure on a daily basis.

    Love, love, love you xoxo
    Sandy Webb recently posted..HealingMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      ———–Truth is, most don’t really want to know how we truly are————-

      That is so very true. Our mourning makes them feel uncomfortable.

      Why Is That?

      Love Love Love you,too

      think of you often. Xx

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