In Memory of Kay Kim's Blogs

What To Say And What Not To Say To A Mourning Girl


~~~~Ignorant Things People Say:

1. It’ll get better.

I’ve heard this advice the most.

And quite sincerely, it’s offensive.

I mean, how can it possibly be better without my sister?

Different. Yes.

Transformed. Sure.

But Never  Ever  better without her beautiful presence on
earth.

2. Time will heal.

When one is grieving & lamenting & weeping, one does not want to hear
this simplistic, stupid, unremarkable statement.

Cliché.  Mechanical.

Think about it.

What will time heal?

 

What?

3.
Just
visualize she’s in China, and imagine how you’d fill that void.

True story.

The utmost voice of
ignorance & idiocy.

& just plain, unbelievably, incredibly,  hideously sad.

4.   What would
Kay want you to do?

I don’t care.

I’m mourning the loss of one of the greatest people
in my universe.

My soul-mate.

I don’t give a shit about that right now.

5.    Don’t ask
yourself Why…Ask yourself Why Not?

No.  No.  No.  Don’t say this.

Somebody recently stated this.

I wouldn’t lie.

I held my tongue, but desperately wanted to scream…

“You’d like
me to declare “Why Not…”

…. as my sister was pumped 3 times in the back of
the  head with bullets?

Her boys have NO mother.   I have NO sister.  My parents have One less daughter.

Fuck you.

6.
If
you’re not feeling better in six months, you
may need medication.

I was told this the second week after Kay’s murder.

As I still walked in darkness & fog.

As I still could barely get out of bed.

And  you’ve
been getting away with this all these years, Dr. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ ?

Shame on you.

He also looked me strait in the face and announced
in his Stinkin’ Thinkin’ know-it-all voice…

“She’s Not Coming Back.”

Thanks for that counsel, asshole.

~~~~Beautiful
Things People Say:

1.    I’ve come to  mourn with you.

 

2.     As
long as it takes, I’ll be here waiting.

 

3.      I love you.

 

4.      I love you.

 

5.      I love you.

 

 

 

—Dear, Reader,  have you ever walked through the shadow of Death?

Kay, Polishing my Toenails.  No Love was Greater.  She was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.   The Mourning Never Ends.

——For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Click here NOW.  Do. Not.  Wait. One. More. Minute.  >>http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

In Memory of Kay

—–There will be a candle lighting for 32 minutes this Sunday in remembrance of the gun violence victims in America.  32 people are killed everyday, thus- the 32 minutes of this gathering.   Please check pink lips information…  HERE for Gathering

 

 

 


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138 Comments

  • Reply
    Irene
    January 7, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Sometimes it’s just hard to find the right words. These people all mean well. They’re doing their best to comfort you and in their own way feel for your loss!

    I’ll be the first to admit this: The “Time will heal” is sort of saying, “No, you won’t be running through a field of poppies singing “I’d like to teach the world to sing”‘, but it’s more like, “the pain will be there, but you will be able to function more”.
    You and your family and her son will NEVER get over this. You know the reality (that dr. should be fired-I wouldn’t go back to them anymore) and you have to live with it.

    Don’t be too hard on us. We only want you to feel better and help you through this. We love you and want you to be happy. And we all know that is very hard right now. We are here for you sweetie!

    TONS OF (((((((HGUS)))))))! I so wish I lived closer! You need some shoe shopping therapy! With matching handbags! And a couple drinks with lunch!
    Irene recently posted..Dumb Shit I Did When I Was YoungMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 10:32 am

      Irene,
      Mr. Liverpool just disciplined me after reading my blog!

      He said, “Why are you lashing out at people? They want to help. Why can’t you be more kind and gentle? ”

      I said, “My Blog is not kind and gentle!”

      But seriously,
      these were general statements made by people (that i’ve probably even said before Kay) .

      I am hoping this post is more of an educational opportunity for all of us to try to say or do the right thing when people are in pain, crisis, or in mourning…

      Love to you, Sweets.

  • Reply
    Amy
    January 7, 2012 at 10:40 am

    GAAAHHH! SOMEONE ACTUALLY TOLD YOU TO IMAGINE THAT SHE WAS IN CHINA???? I am in awe of the fact that you were able to hold your tongue. I think I might, in rage, have reached for some kitchen shears, cut off their thumb and, as they cried, told them to imagine that their thumb was in Antarctica. WTF? Most of the time, I can see people’s good (though ill informed) intentions when they misstep. I have come to learn that people simply don’t know what to say. I’ve also found that when you’re not the silent type, when you’re not the kind of person who keeps quiet about your pain or loss, then people REALLY don’t know what to say. That causes them to stumble about and blabber the stupidest shit. That, I find, is a forgivable offense. But suggesting that you imagine your sister was merely a PLANE RIDE AWAY is absurd and unforgivable. Truly, whomever said that to you has never lost anyone or anything they love.

    Also, I’m confused as to why some asswipe would say to you “Why not?” What not WHAT? I mean, the opposite of why was my sister murdered is “What WASN’T my sister murdered?” I mean, that has to be the most thoughtless and bizarre thing I’ve ever heard. Now, if they’re one of these “silver lining” people, I’m guessing their intention is to suggest that instead of sitting around, asking why your sister was taken from you, you should, instead, be sitting around thinking “Why NOT go sky diving? Why NOT go skinny dipping. . .” or some other life-affirming crap like that. And if THAT is their intent, then they really just fall under the category of people who either don’t understand or handle things very, very differently.

    And you and I don’t need to discuss Doctor Stinkin’ Thinkin. You KNOW how I feel about that [insert most foul expletive you know].

    But above everything that everyone says to you, hold close to your heart the ones that say:

    I love you.
    I love you.
    I love you.

    Because we do. We loved who you were before Kay died and we love you now. Your pain is real, it cannot and should not be denied, nor should it be buried under a bunch of candy coated bullshit. Your sister was murdered. IT HURTS. And it’s going to hurt for a long fcking time. Much longer than it takes to fly across the oceans to China. xoxo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 10:37 am

      –Amy,
      I know you are speaking from experience, My Dear.

      China. Ummmm.
      Yes. I remember saying something like “She’s fucking dead. She’s not in China!”

      Mr. Liverpool just read my blog and said it was REeeeeALLY MEAN.

      I said, “Well, what was I supposed to say? If I pussy foot around the issue, that is not my style! That is not this blog.”

      Anyhow, I hope I did not offend. I understand that people are just trying to be kind…most people are quite kind….

      I Love you. I love You. I love you.

      You have always understood me & said the Perfect words. Xx

  • Reply
    Helene Abbott
    January 7, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Kim,
    Hear ya, but like Irene mentioned, most people just don’t know what to say in such a time of sadness and use those most common phrases, when they (me included) should shut the F up! Time does take its course but the wound is always there and yes, we do learn to live with it…what else can one do when God is in charge and we don’t know what really is in store for us on earth. To walk in sadness and loss everyday, there are no words and believe me, I feel for you everyday. (check your blogs very often). Like others, just want you to be ok in good days, the bad days and pray there will be much more “good” for you and your family in 2012.
    Take care, you make me laugh, you make me cry, you are pretty cool ….girl!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 10:39 am

      Helene,

      People are basically kind, good, thoughtful, and wonderful…

      including YOU 🙂

      you are cool 2.

  • Reply
    Linda Medrano
    January 7, 2012 at 10:45 am

    Kim, words are never adequate or really what people mean. I think just knowing that the ache you feel is so deeply painful and people do want you to feel better. Sadly, that won’t happen until it happens. We grieve as long as we grieve. I’m not really a proponent of “pills make it better” because this is not a chemical imbalance you are dealing with, it’s a tragedy. I’m just so so sorry you and your family have experienced this travesty. Love you. xoxoxo
    Linda Medrano recently posted..Good Karma and Star PowerMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 10:43 am

      ~~~Linda,
      I’ve been thinking about writing this blog for a while…..

      and it started out as a sort of educational piece…but of course, I get so damn passionate & must be compleeeeetely honest.

      ….thus, this post becomes something else all together.

      I know people do not know what to say… Hell, I was in the same boat once…

      but perhaps after reading this, they might be more educated.

      You. Rockkkkk.

  • Reply
    Karen
    January 7, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Loved reading the beautiful things that people say. Those comments apply to so many types of grief! Empathy, love, not judgment or even pity make grief bearable.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

      –Karen,
      I must say, the beautiful comments are what I have heard several times…

      Something somebody said to my daddy was my fave….

      A friend stood at his doorway and said: thru tears “I am here to feel your pain with you.”

      That was beautiful… I so loved that.

      XX KIss, Dear Karen.

  • Reply
    totsymae1011
    January 7, 2012 at 10:49 am

    I haven’t experienced your kinda pain, Kim but I can gather up a singing group with you as the lead. Me and our other girls in the background and sing in unison “Fuck YOU, Dumb Asses!” and then, as we do in the south, chunk a heapa rocks at’em.
    totsymae1011 recently posted..Life at the Bottom of the Social Networking LadderMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

      –Tots,
      You. Make. Me. Giggle. X

  • Reply
    Pam Hogeweide
    January 7, 2012 at 11:14 am

    When one of my best friends and her toddler daughter were killed in a head-on car crash on 7/7/7, there were several well-meaning folks who said things like, “God has a plan.” Or , “Everything happens for a reason.” Or, the worst on of all, “God has his reasons…”

    WTF?

    I smiled and politely accepted these words knowing that folks were trying to be comforting, but privately I screamed and raged at them and their illogical, nonsensical philosophical babble.

    Then, one afternoon, in the produce aisle at my local grocery store, I unleashed on one poor woman who said “God is in control and everything works together in his plan.”

    Really? I said to her. IS that the kind of god you believe in? One who inspires death and tragedy and calls for the violent ending of innocent lives to fulfill a divine script?? Really?

    She fumbled, unaware of the volcanic ground she had treaded upon with her attempts to provide comfort. But I am sorrry. I was not comforted by the thought that the Creator orchestrates the untimely deaths of human beings. IF that is the case, go tell it to Syrians shot down in the street and Ethiopian mothers who’s babies die in their arms… or sisters grieving the unjust and tragic loss of their best friend.

    Total bullshit…God had his reasons. Not the God I have faith in. He’s a god of life. Not death. Tell that to my friend’s children who are now motherless and her husband who is lost without his wife and little girl.

    Tragedy happens. Bad things happen to good people. It’s called life. Not divine planning.

    I am going to write a book about death and loss someday. Wait and see. I’m gonna do it.And I’ll dedicate it to those like you who have lost someone they were not meant to lose so soon.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 10:49 am

      ~~~Pam,
      your words resonate deeply inside.

      I shall be waiting to read your book…
      This will be my first one, too…

      GOD OF LIFE!
      YES!

      That is my God, too…..

      Xx

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    January 7, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Sometimes it’s so hard to know what to say. In which case, it’s probably better just to be there.

    Can’t believe that some stupid person said to ask, Why not?!!!
    Lady Fi recently posted..I’m sticking to youMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 10:51 am

      Lady Fi,

      Yes. Just be there.

      Perfect.

      I remember right after this happened with Kay, a woman walked up to me without saying a word….

      she simply rubbed my arm slowly and then walked away.

      Perfect.

      Xx

  • Reply
    lafemmeroar
    January 7, 2012 at 11:20 am

    I guess mourning is a life long journey … no one know where it will take one but I hope that the destination brings peace of mind and more love from those we cherish.
    lafemmeroar recently posted..Rhyme and Reason of DivorceMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 10:54 am

      ~~Dear, L.

      Yes. A lifetime.

      One must search, somehow, a way to incorporate this grieving into one’s new existance.

      Xx Kiss

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    January 7, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Oh my dear Sister from my imaginary universe. =)
    Peeps can be fucking idiots.
    Just know I stand next to you on that walk and anytime you can hold my hand.
    I have yet to recover and my brother was not murdered.
    It will never get better we just try hard to keep going.
    xoxo
    Adriana Iris recently posted..About Love and Light…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

      –Dear, A.
      Yes. one just keeps on going…
      What else can one do?
      ———I love how you move forward with your beauty. Xx

  • Reply
    Lola
    January 7, 2012 at 11:45 am

    I know it’s easy for me to put my foot in my mouth. I’ve done it so often that I’m starting to enjoy the taste.
    BUT from my own experience with mourning great loss, I realize that even when people put their foot in their mouths, at least they are trying.
    I am not defending the thoughtless people who have given your situation like 30 seconds of their time, and then spit out some horrid cliche.
    I mean the people who care but are clumsy with their words. The ones who stumble and fail to say what they should but who love you. The ones who call you up and maybe can’t find ANY words so they just cry for you…with you.

    When I was mourning a loss (many years ago) the worst thing one of my dearest friends did was to leave me alone. She even said, “I thought you might just need time”.

    The truth is SHE needed time because she didn’t know how to be or what to say to me.

    I’ve really never forgiven her for abandoning me.
    Any words would have been better than that.

    Wow, Girl! You’ve got me going deep!
    I like that you bring that out in me!
    I think of you often, my friend.
    Lola recently posted..Jewish Mothers ROCK (and kvetch…but mostly we rock)My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:00 am

      –Lola,
      I should have added that…

      When people DO NOT acknowledge one’s mourning…this is like rubbing the wound w/ salt.

      Or one can say what you’ve just said ….”I think of you often, friend.

      Perfect.

      People are basically Kind.

      Hopefully this post will make people.think before they talk to the person in mourning.

      Love to you, dearest.

  • Reply
    Mercy Orengo
    January 7, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Love you.

    Your photo of you and Kay is amazing!

    Xxxo.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:01 am

      Mercy,
      I love that photo.

      Kay was always pampering me.

      Love you More.

  • Reply
    ginger
    January 7, 2012 at 11:52 am

    I love love love you. As long as it takes. I have never been in China or imagined anyone I know there. 🙂 it actually is helpful to hear what you want/don’t want others to say… What about holding you and her sons and your parents (oh your parents) in our prayers, just cause?

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:02 am

      —Prayers. Always. Always. Always.

      Without God, I would have perished by now….

      Love Love Love you. xx

  • Reply
    Kim Pugliano
    January 7, 2012 at 11:53 am

    I lost my dad when I was 8. Not a single day has passed since then that he hasn’t crossed my mind however fleetingly. Your story makes me so sad because I have that relationship with my sister. We had a discussion once about how it would be awful to lose our spouses but to lose her would hurt worse. She is my soulmate. Even when I’m deep down growling spitting mad at her she is my absolute favorite person in the entire world and I honestly don’t know how I could live without her.

    Oh Kim, how? How do you do it? How do you breathe? How do you get out of bed? I don’t mean to make this worse, but I just mean to tell you that my heart swells for you and hurts for you and on bad days I want to be with you and sit next to you and hold your hand and give you kisses and hugs for your loss because I understand that deep intense love.

    xxooxxooxxooxxooxxoo
    Kim Pugliano recently posted..Comment on I’m Such an Ass Hat by Kimberly PuglianoMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:07 am

      ~~~Kim,

      I told Kay often that I could NEVER live without her…. Even the week before her murder.

      I said, “Get out of that fucking house. If he hurts you, I couldn’t live without you!! I could not live without you.”

      I don’t want to get out of bed.
      I don’t want to breathe.
      I don’t want to be here without Kay.
      I don’t have a best friend.
      I don’t have my prayer partner, my secret keeper, my root of my root…

      Sometimes I despise it, despise it…

      She was me. I was her.

      We were one.

      I am now half a person.

      But… I am going forward. I must for my family.

      I also look forward to the day Kay and I meet again.

      No love was (is) greater.

      Go kiss your sister. Now. Xx

  • Reply
    Joan
    January 7, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    I, too, love the photo of Kay doing your toenails. That is truly love. Your love resonates across the blogoshpere and we are richer for it. You will always remember Kay and because of your blog, so will we. For your readers, you can all light a candle tomorrow in memory of Kay and the many other gun homicide victims- 32 a day in our country. Think of Kay and those she left behind. You can also look at Kim’s beautiful tribute to Kay at bradycampaign.org/toomanyvictims and to my own sister, Barbara Lund. I will light a candle for her tomorrow and ring the bell in her name.
    Joan recently posted..How many are too many?My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:08 am

      –Joan,
      I shall be there with you to light a candle.

      See you in a few hours. Xx Love.

  • Reply
    Ronda Erie
    January 7, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Kim, I have come to mourn with you!
    As long as it takes, I will be here waiting to listen and never judge.
    I love you, I love you, I love you!!!!
    🙂 your friendship means the world to me and those people are idiots even of they meant well! At least the China comment!!!
    Hugs, Ronda

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:10 am

      Ronda,
      Thank you for your beauty, kindness, listening ear, non-judgement, and LARGE heart.

      Angels come from the most unexpected places.

      Love You More than Kittens in Spring. x

  • Reply
    Ashley
    January 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    This is a good post. I understand some people just don’t know what to say, but these are pretty…crazy. I actually just sent my condolences to a co-worker/friend who just lost her 10 day old son to heart failure. I want to say something to make them feel better, but I think it’s also to important to just not dismiss their mourning. Take all the time you need. There is no time limit on mourning the loss of a loved one.
    Ashley recently posted..Dazed & AmusedMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:11 am

      Ashley,
      Never Dismiss their mourning. Never.

      Just be there & love them.

      Xx Kiss.

  • Reply
    Tere Anne
    January 7, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    I guess many things like that get said because people truly don’t know what to say, but they want to say something. I guess we all have ways of dealing with things… and by what they say, you can tell how they will deal, or what they have not dealt with. I have dealt with grief and death. I found my dad, dead, when I came home for lunch. I as standing at my brother’s bedside, when we shut down the machines after him going from lively to a vegetable in under 10 days. I almost died this spring due to an allergic reaction to medicine. I understand pain and yes, there are people who don’t know what to say, so they say what comes to their mind. All I am ever able to tell people is that the person lost is watching over them and that they are with God, in a better place. Nothing will take away the pain, but knowing that their spirit lives is something strong. You will always have good days and then there will be bad days. Those who understand (or even if they don’t) and care, they will be there for you, no matter what, and they will listen and love unconditionally. I love you hon.
    Tere Anne recently posted..New pathsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:13 am

      ~~~~Tere Ann,
      What spurs me forward is KNOWING I will see Kay again in Paradise.

      I lost MUCH…But I never lost my GOD.

      Without Him, I am nothing…

      xxx thinking of you, dear. thank you for visiting my mourning… Xx

  • Reply
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles
    January 7, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    It’s not always easy to know how to comfort. Since we are all unique and perceive and process information differently, there is no one message that will be received the same way.

    Thank you for communicating what works for you ~

    Love and Light, xo
    Kelly @ Inspired Edibles recently posted..Lemon Rosemary Flourless PancakesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:14 am

      Kelly,

      SO very true.

      Love and Light. I do love that. Xx

  • Reply
    adventures in alyssaland
    January 7, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    3.
    Just
    visualize she’s in China, and imagine how you’d fill that void.

    True story.

    The utmost voice of
    ignorance & idiocy.

    This person does realize that someone dying isn’t like extended international travel.

    I love you!
    adventures in alyssaland recently posted..Friday Fluff (on Saturday) in AlyssalandMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:15 am

      Dear A,
      Um, I still don’t get that comment.

      …I guess they had No Other words to say…

      Love Love Love. Xx

  • Reply
    Katy Clark
    January 7, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    I simply cannot imagine my life without my sisters. My older sister is the only person left in this world who has loved me from the moment I was born. I do not know where you find the strength to carry on, but I am glad that you do. We are all here for you – our arms are open to hug you, or hold you up if needed. Our hands will wipe your tears, our hearts will sing when your memories help you smile.
    Katy Clark recently posted..It’s My (Pity) Party and I’ll Wallow if I Want ToMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:17 am

      Katy,
      Life will NEVER be the same or better without Kay…

      But as my Kenyan pen pal says: “Man Must Live.”

      So this is what I’m trying to do.

      Thank you for your lovely words. Xxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    January 7, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    Best Things
    1. I will share your pain with you. That was told to me by someone.
    2. I’m sorry.
    3.Love You.

    Worst Thing (Shit Happens)

    I reallize that most people don’t know what to say. Maybe just a hug is good enough.

    Love You
    Dad

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:18 am

      –Daddy,
      Thank goodness we have one another to talk about Kay with….

      We will never be the same…but our love keeps coming.

      Love you more than lions in the Kisumu Sun.

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    January 7, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Most people who spit out the words they did to you, simply have no idea how it feels, what to say, how to comfort you. They say something because it’s expected by society. Sometimes, a hug works better than anything. A shoulder to cry on, a squeeze of the hand.

    But, you clearly have some good people around you who’s there for you in many ways, words or no words.

    If I’ve ever written something stupid to you here (time will heal etc), I’m sorry!
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Tasty Thursday: Chocolate Sea Salt CookiesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:19 am

      —expected by society.—

      Mama, A. This is so true. people say what is expected because this is what they know….

      A hug, a squeeze of the hand… says so much MORE than words.

      Yes!

      Xx Love.

  • Reply
    Cindy
    January 7, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    As I have always said to you, Kim….I can not relate to nor can I understand what you are going through each day in dealing with this. I don’t believe it was God’s plan for Kay….it was the horrendous selfishness of someone who turned into a monster. I care, I care, I care…..and I know that no words I can come up with will make this situation any easier to deal with. I am so sorry this had to happen….. 🙁

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:23 am

      –Cindy,
      ~~As Always, thank you for your kind words.
      They are appreciated.
      One moves forward–somehow, and integrates loss into one’s life.
      It sucks. Badly.
      I’m still trying to figure out how to do it.
      Still trying…Still.
      Xx

  • Reply
    Tom O
    January 7, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    Some great tips here Kim, I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago and a friend of mine said to one of the relatives… “She is in a better place now” it sort of implies that her life wasn’t good before she passed away. Also any sentence that begins with “You should” or “You will” should be carefully considered before you speak.
    Tom O recently posted..how to get rid of sleep apneaMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

      –Tom,
      Sometimes a hug says so much more than stupid words can.
      X

  • Reply
    Gina
    January 7, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Wow. I am so sorry. I do not even know what to say, i cannot imagine. I think this is a very brave and powerful post and I will leave it at that.

    visiting from write on edge.
    Gina recently posted..A day in the life of a bulimic..My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

      Gina,
      Thank you for visiting my mourning… Xx

  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    January 7, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    I absolutely appreciate your words! And the beautiful things people say, brought tears to my eyes. You lay it out. No bull shit. Here it is. I love your honesty.

    I wonder, the china person, at what point in that person’s life did that advice actually help? Just wondering. How in the world that helped. Just. Curious.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

      –Wild Child,
      About the China Person…Cannot truly remember who said this…But I remember the words vividly and remember what I said in return.

      “She is not in fucking China. She is DEAD!”

      Love flowing to you…. X

  • Reply
    Ann
    January 7, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Hey Kim~ I suspect – like a lot of commenters have said – that most folks just don’t know what to say. Now some of what was said to you was just plain….oiy I can’t even say it…what was the person thinking about suggesting you picture her in China?!

    Yes, I’ve walked…..
    Ann recently posted..Black Bean and Pulled Pork WrapsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

      Ann,
      Can I come to your house for cookies?

      I think that might make me feel better!!! :))) XX

      • Reply
        Ann
        January 9, 2012 at 10:03 pm

        Yes, anytime…..you come over and I’ll make you whatever you want and there will be plenty of hugs to go with the cookies!
        Ann recently posted..An Open Letter to Honey BunnyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Monica
    January 7, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    I lost both my parents in the space of a few months to illnesses. And while I miss them very much, I realize that it’s one thing to lose someone to illness, when you see it coming. But I haven’t lost anyone the way you lost your sister. That must be such a shock to the system, and so senseless, too, that I know I would have trouble wrapping my head around. So keep mourning in your own way and know that I will keep reading, listening. There’s nothing anyone of us can say to ease your pain, I know. Sorry, Kim, for all that you’re going through.
    Monica recently posted..Bosses: The Good, The Bad & Gleda BallsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:29 am

      –Monica,
      I shall mourn forever…

      And live in between the mourning…

      So sad to hear about your parents. Loss is Loss. It leaves a HUGE Void… Love to you, M. Xx

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    January 7, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    I cannot get over the “Just visualize she’s in China, and imagine how you’d fill that void.” Makes my blood boil. Along with all the others in the list.

    Time does NOT heal. It may get many things but NEVER BETTER.

    “Not coming back” – that’s not consolation, it is like rubbing the wound in sand and feeling gleeful. Uck!

    Kim, each time you write about Kay, I mourn with you. I feel the hurt and the pain and the loss. My eyes fill with tears and I can’t seem to stop crying for a while after that, thinking about your loss, my own loss (Mom) and what might have been if they had not gone. Who said life was fair?

    The fact is, we try to move on. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we just get sucked into the grief. I find that it is quite alright to think about our loss and feel miserable. It is infinitely better than have someone say inane things on the pretext of “consoling”.

    I feel your pain, Kim. Hugs to you. Please keep writing.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..Taking StockMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:31 am

      –Vidya,
      I KNOW you feel the pain.

      Your mother was everything to you, wasn’t she?

      You. Inspire. Me. To. Move. Forward.

      A little at a time.

      I see you doing it…and I think, perhaps I can too!

      You are soooo special.

      Love to you. Love Love. x

  • Reply
    Meredith
    January 7, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    I’m a fixer…I want to fix everyone and everything and I never know what to do when someone has a loved one die. But I am glad that I found you (through Write on Edge), and will support you anyway I can. {hugs}
    Meredith recently posted..1 Job Down, 1000 To GoMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:32 am

      –Meredith,
      I have recognized that several women, especially, want to fix things, want to help, want to feed me, what to say the right things…

      I love all of them.

      Truly.

      Thanks for coming by… X

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    January 7, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Hi Kim. Gosh, some of those things people have said seem inconceivable; however, some sounded like well-meaning but misdirected statements of people who just wanted to let you know they hear your pain. They don’t know how to express themselves very well, true, and that makes it tough on you. I’m so sorry for that. I probably fall into that category as I’ve never been through anything so devastating as you. However if I’ve ever or if I ever in the future, say anything offensive or off-color or even the slightest hurtful, just let me have it. I would never want to disrespect you, your sister or your grief in any way. I truly believe your writing does help, and I’m more than happy to support you and be there to listen whenever you need me. I hope you know that.
    Much love sweet Kim,
    Terri
    Theresa Sonoda recently posted..LIL Sister is in the houseMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:33 am

      –Terri,
      You. Have. Never. Disrespected. Me.

      Never.

      You are beautiful.

      Xx

  • Reply
    Jessica
    January 7, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    As my friend, just turning 30, was celebrating her birthday while dying of cancer, someone at her party held her hand and said, “I had a dog die from cancer.”

    Seriously?

    I know all of us still hold that as the worst thing anyone said to her, her family, or her friends. I only wish I could say that I had not said any of these things to her that you posted. I am, flawed, and had not ever been through such a devistating process before.

    The thing I take away from it, is that I know she didn’t expect my help, nor for me to say the right thing.

    I now just try to sit, and listen, and just be. Because there is nothing I can say or do for anyone experiencing grief and really, let’s face it, most everything just comes off as rude or annoying anyway.

    I don’t know you, but I love you, and I listened. Be kind to yourself.
    As my friend Emily would always say, before she left us…

    Love, light, and joy.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:36 am

      —I now just try to sit, and listen, and just be.—

      Jessic, this is perfect. You have learned much.

      I am still learning, writing, pondering…

      This post was not meant to be mean…just a bit educational.

      People are basically Wonderful.

      but we are all evolving.

      Love Love Love. Xx

      ps. the dog thing? See what I’m talking about…Ridiculous.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    January 8, 2012 at 1:26 am

    Some of those things are quite strange and silly things to say. I think many people are well meaning though and just don’t know what to say and they say something that might seem awkward or strange. The China one was a bit odd though! xxx
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..Vina Vegetarian Restaurant, NewtownMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:37 am

      Lorraine,
      I agree that people feel quite awkward. w/ their words…

      Perhaps they will be a bit more educated after reading this post!

      Xx

  • Reply
    Wendy
    January 8, 2012 at 4:08 am

    People just say dumb things instead of sitting and holding you sometimes. The day after my son died and I came down the stairs to take care of my other children the first words out of my mom’s mouth was,
    “See you don’t even LOOK pregnant”(he was born at 26 weeks and died an hour after birth)

    I wanted to scream back at her”I would give anything to still be pregnant even if it meant I was 300 pounds!”

    I didn’t though but I did go straight into the bathroom and cry some more.

    When my bestie lost her husband to suicide almost three years ago so many people said stupid things instead of just being there for her. That’s all we need that’s all we want.

    (((Hugs)))
    Wendy recently posted..If My Life Were A Movie….It’d Be a Crazy Cast!My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:39 am

      –Yes, Wendy

      No words. Just be there. Cry. Love. Be.

      that’s all.

      So sorry about your son, dearest. My heat aches.

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    January 8, 2012 at 5:36 am

    Here here Kim – why do people all say the same stupid things – maybe it is all they know what to say however, I have never heard your number 3. “visualize she’s in China, and imagine how you’d fill that void.” What the Hell!!!
    Have a beautiful love filled and happy week friend.
    🙂 Mandy xo
    Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..10 QuestionsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:49 am

      Mandy,
      Sending love over to South Africa. 🙂 X

  • Reply
    Hilary
    January 8, 2012 at 5:48 am

    It really is amazing what people say, especially if they haven’t lost someone close to them before. A month or so ago when my husband’s father passed away, his best friends wife said to me “well, it isn’t like he saw him often, since they lived in different states…” I mean, really? I don’t know if any words ever can help, but just knowing someone is there for you (in any way you need) is what really helps
    Hilary recently posted..Just a little bit funnyMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:50 am

      –Hilary,
      Being there is quite enough, isn’t it?

      Xx

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    January 8, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Ah, Kim, you made me shed tears. That photo of you and Kay at the end of the post… So adorable and you look so happy. Yes, people spout cliches around death–it scares them. I wish everyone in the world could read this post–it would open lots of eyes. We’re here to mourn with you, so mourn away. xxxxxxHugs from Sicily.
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..All Around Etna, Pillar of HeavenMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:53 am

      –Jann,
      Mr. Liverpool just read my blog and said I was mean.

      I disagree.

      Anyhow. I am still learning, as well.

      Yes. Kay pampered me like that all the time…. The reason we are laughing is because the picture taker said, “There’s Kay Catering to Kim Again!!!”

      Haaa.

      God, I miss her. so so so so much.

      Love Love Love. Xx

  • Reply
    Michael Ann
    January 8, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Many people don’t know what to say in ANY kind of sad or hurtful situation. Death, divorce, illness…. I wonder if they even stop to think what THEY would want to hear if it were them. And if they HAVE been through a time of tragedy and loss, they should know how it feels. When I’m hurting, the thing I like to hear most is, “I’m so sorry you are going through this.” or “I”m so sorry you are sad,” or “I’m so sorry this has happened.” When I had multiple miscarriages, the best thing I heard from anyone was from my priest, who, no joke, actually said to me, “This is all really shitty.” !! I’ll never forget that.

    Oh, and one I especially hate? “Hang in there.”

    Michael Ann
    Michael Ann recently posted..Is it time to change how you approach change?My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:55 am

      This is all really shitty.” !!

      Superb. Just superb.

      One statement I remember is when one of my friends was crying and said.

      “This is just STUPID.”

      We actually laughed & then of course, started sobbing our heads off…

      Xx Kiss

  • Reply
    Kristy @PampersandPinot
    January 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Wow, I cannot believe #3. Words of comfort are really best when they are simple. Simple love, that is all that is needed.
    Kristy @PampersandPinot recently posted..Sunday StealingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Nicole
    January 8, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    I imagine that “time heals” won’t help, particularly in this scenario. Consider it this way: time DOES heal–the problem is that ugly scar that never lets you forget the pain. But there has been some healing, I’m sure…you wouldn’t be able to have a few moments of Light otherwise. And you’re still here and reaching out, despite moments you REALLY don’t want to be.

    Tell Mr. Liverpool that we understand the tone and know you weren’t just throwing sucker punches–and even if you were, we’re tough enough to take it to help you get it off your chest.

    We DO love you. (((((HUGS)))))

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    January 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    Ughhhh, I can’t tell how many stupid things people have said to me. It is unreal what stupid things people have said to me. My 2 favorites are:

    He is in a better place – Oh yeah?! Will maybe you will be in a better place soon too…WTF?

    God needed him – NO!!! I NEEDED HIM!! God could have fucking waited!

    I love you!
    Sandy Webb recently posted..Something Different: Wednesday’s RecipeMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 5:34 pm

      Sandy,

      I love you, too.

      I think we understand one another.

      Think of you often. xx

  • Reply
    Jessica
    January 8, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    I’m sorry that some people have said these things to you. I think some people speak without even thinking sometimes.

    Hugs to you.
    Jessica recently posted..He Gets Stars, She Gets ElephantsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 5:35 pm

      –Jessica,
      this is very true,

      there should be a class about what to say..what not to say…

      i guess.

      Perhpas this blog may help.

      Love to you, Sweets.

  • Reply
    Janice
    January 8, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    Hugs Hugs and more hugs going you way right now. So well said. I do not believe we EVER
    recover from loss. We just learn to adapt to the world without them as best we canwhen we can
    and that is all. No words can suffice. I have none for my own loss(es).
    How could I presume to have any for anyone elses…
    Lost my mother last year, was told after three months when I was incapable of being my ‘ever helpful self,’ still numb and shocky from the approaching Christmas and world without her that I was acting like an “entitled princess.” Jesus Christ. I could hardly breathe. So much for that 20 plus year friendship. Then when another near 20 year friendship ended due to her “stalking me for info to seduce my ex,” go figure, another friend said just a few weeks after the bombshell, “you should be over that by now.” That stalker/friend also once told her own brother to “get over it” just a year after his young wife passed from cancer. Should’ve seen those “stupid” trains coming down the track… good intentions are one thing… silence and hugs are better. Sorry I couldn’t be quieter just now. Much love and hugs to you, my friend xo
    3 Hearts
    (three hearts means I am sending love to your body, mind and spirit)
    Janice recently posted..MY QUOTESMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 8:39 pm

      Love to body, mind, spirit.
      I love love love that.

      Thank you J.

      3 heart to you,too. xX

  • Reply
    mamawolfe
    January 8, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Kim, when writing comes from that deep dark place inside sometimes it is so raw and real that it sounds mean…but that’s ok. To me, that means you have feelings real enough to write about, and that’s what I want to read. There’s enough crap out there, that when I can feel your emotions I know it’s great writing. Thank you.
    mamawolfe recently posted..Friday Photo: In The MomentMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 8, 2012 at 11:04 pm

      Mamawolfe,
      thank you for that.

      I want to read that sort of raw, true, honest writing, as well.

      ….And I do not want to apologize for what I write.

      Ever.

      Xxx kIsss

  • Reply
    Emily
    January 9, 2012 at 4:00 am

    Imagine she’s in China? Seriously? Oh for goodness sakes! I know it can be hard to find the right words to say, but it doesn’t seem like it would take *too* much imagination to figure out not to say THAT one. I’m sorry you had to hear that.

    I’m thinking about you, honey, and sending support and love your way — always.
    Emily recently posted..Love StoriesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Cindy
    January 9, 2012 at 9:14 am

    It must be one of the hardest thing to keep yourself strong in these sad times. But the love and support of the REAL friends may help you to get over the wrongest part of it. I mean real friends, who don’t tell you those mechanical sample-sentences. Who are really interested in you, who really love you. YOu have to focus on these people.
    Cindy recently posted..Oral Hygiene – Why is it so important?My Profile

  • Reply
    Lady E
    January 9, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Ha. Thanks for this post…
    You hear exactly the same kind of meaningless shite when your husband walks away. Not a loss in the same order of magnitude of course, but still, how these comments add insult to injury!
    I have found that people who have known loss and difficulties in their own lives are able to understand, and know what to do and say…
    I stayed away from those who kept saying, “you’re lucky, you still have you beautiful children and you should focus on that”. True, but so f”@ing unhelpful… And I hung out with those who could let me talk without coming up with advice or opinions about what they’d do if they were me, those who phoned to know how I was, who carried a bit of sadness and anger on my behalf…
    I’m glad you’re here Kim.
    xx
    Lady E recently posted..AnniversablogMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      January 9, 2012 at 9:43 am

      ~~~~Lady E,
      The people I love being w/ the most…”Just Listen” w/out judgement or advice.

      I DO NOT WANT ADVICE. Don’t people get this?

      Because, as you know, this does not take away the PAIN.

      Sometimes I want to say, “Shut UP! You have no idea what you are saying. Why are you telling me what to do?”

      XX I’m glad you are here, too, Lady E.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..What To Say And What Not To Say To A Mourning GirlMy Profile

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    January 9, 2012 at 10:31 am

    I got two words to say to the mean people:

    “Suck it.”
    Blond Duck recently posted..Magical Monday: SomethingMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm

      –B. D.
      SUCK IT HARD!!!!! YEAh. xx

  • Reply
    Nezzy
    January 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Sadly good well meanin’ people say the wrong things just searchin’ for the right words.

    Yes, I have felt the pain of death. It hurts, cuts deep and I don’t ever see it simply disappearin’.

    I think all in all people are good and want to help. Their hearts are in the right place but sometimes the brain isn’t engaged all the way.

    Many times my response is, “I’m here…what can I do.” Simply hugs are great too. It’s nice to know so many care and put out an effort no matter how blundered it may be.

    I can’t imagine how hard this post was for you to write. Know my heart and prayers are with you sweetie. I wish I could do more.

    God bless ya
    Nezzy recently posted..HAPPY TOGETHERMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

      Nezzy,

      ***I Am Here. What Can I Do?***

      Perfectly beautiful.

      Yes. Yes.
      i do believe you have it down…
      Xxx

  • Reply
    Phil
    January 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Kim,

    I think most people are simply uncomfortable around a person who is grieving, an in that awkwardness they often make trite comments meant to help, but in fact make them appear even more unsympathetic, because they truly cannot begin to comprehend the depth of despair, sorrow, and pain. I’ve found lately in my life (wish I had discovered it sooner, and maybe your post will shed some light to many) that the best way to sympathize with and to reassure someone is to simply hold them and let them FEEL how you will stand by and support them – no words necessary, only human touch and hold of a solid hug – one that outlasts the crying, the pain, the tears; one that speaks volumes with no words.

    I cannot imagine what goes on in your mind and in your heart with each passing moment, but I want you to know I am here to support you, if only through a virtual hug.

    With all my love and respect for you. I’ll be here for you dear Kim.
    Phil recently posted..If You Were Me…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

      ~~~~A solid hug is perfect.

      No words. No words needed.

      I was out at a cafe’ not long ago and this woman I knew ( a little ) walked up to me, grabbed me, & hugged me SO TIGHT.

      She then looked me square in the face w/ tears trickling down.

      No words.

      I loved that. I just loved that she did that.

      — I think you are sooooooooooooo lovely & sweet, Phil. Xx

  • Reply
    Bella
    January 9, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Kim, I feel this is such a helpful post. When tragedy strikes a person or a family, most people are at a loss for words. I know they mean well, but like you mention, more often than not, they stick their foot in their mouths. The hurt never stops. Like you mention, it transforms. Or it shifts, is placed on hold, or we even pretend we don’t hurt so others will leave us alone. When my nana died, I was devastated. I hadn’t lost a grandmother, I had lost the person I most loved in the world. There was nothing, and I mean, nothing, anyone could say that would lift my spirits. I felt dead inside. I was on automatic pilot. Most days, I couldn’t remember my own name. Something tells me that’s how you must’ve felt too. How you must still feel. And for that, I’m so sorry, my friend. So sorry. I think the best thing a person can say, is nothing at all. To me, there’s nothing like nonverbal language to convey empathy; to tell someone, “I’m here with you. You are not alone.” An arm around someone’s shoulders, a warm embrace, holding their hand. That is all. No words, just empathetic silence. The kind that says, “I know how much you hurt and I don’t want to burden you with my inane chatter.” And I’m sorry, Mr. Liverpool, I love you too, but this time, Kim is right one hundred percent. Pain is raw. Pain can be hostile and angry and seem unfeeling. Writing through our pain is the outward manifestation of what it’s like to have our guts wrenched out. It can provide catharsis, but oftentimes, not before we’ve scratched, punched, and sent everyone to hell. Kim, sister, I’ll be your cut man. Punch away till you’re spent. I’m in your corner. Always. Hugs for you, lady.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 9, 2012 at 3:18 pm

      –Bella,
      If…. or when we meet, I shall hug you tight tight tight.

      And whisper in your ear— “I KNOW YOU.” Xx

  • Reply
    Kelley
    January 9, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    It is unbelievable the things people say. I am so glad you wrote this so that we can all stop ourselves from saying things we might think that are helpful but are not. I love that you wrote things down that were helpful, especially the “I love you” part. I love the picture of you and Kay. It choked me up.
    Kelley recently posted..Wigs are the answer!My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 9, 2012 at 3:21 pm

      ~~~Kelley,

      Kay and I were laughing in this toe-polishing photo…because the person taking the photo said:

      “So here’s Kay pampering and catering to Kim Again!!!”

      Haa …

      I miss her so damn much.

      xx Kiss

  • Reply
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell
    January 9, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    When my dad died, that was my low. It took me well over a year to come out from underneath that blanket of pain. I still cry, but NOTHING like that first year.
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..I Wish I Could Do Some Brand BashingMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 9, 2012 at 10:19 pm

      Liz,
      It’s been about 600 days since my sister’s murder.

      I think I shall cry my entire life.

      Xx
      So sorry about your dad…

  • Reply
    Brenda
    January 9, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    To answer your question, yes I have walked into this dark place where life is lost. I don’t have any answers for death of why God acts as he does, he just does. If you asked me how to move on behind pain, I’d walk away from you after smiling with as much compassion as I could muster. I wish I had the answers, understood the why of everything, but damn it, I don’t. Having had to deal with Doctors with no bedside manners, I’ve stopped wondering how they got their license. It’s unexplainable. Why are there always more questions than answers, why don’t we see the wisdom in the actions if life. If I knew, I’d have a best seller. All I have in response, is to keep on moving and shaking up the world.
    Brenda recently posted..I Am NOT LiteraryMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      January 9, 2012 at 11:05 pm

      —Brenda,
      One must move forward…
      I do not know any other way out.
      I’ve pondered this…
      And I have come to the conclusion that even w/out Kay…

      I must go on living…

      Ahh, that is the rub…

      That is the hardest part of all.

      Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..What To Say And What Not To Say To A Mourning GirlMy Profile

  • Reply
    Shell
    January 10, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    What the heck with #3???

    I admit, I don’t always know the right thing to say but that????
    Shell recently posted..What is Okay to Post Online When it Comes to Our Kids?My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 10, 2012 at 3:06 pm

      Shell,
      The “China” thing was quite weird & stupid & I remember saying,

      She’s not in China. She’s Fucking dead!

      Talk about dumb asses.

      Xx

  • Reply
    Impulsive Addict
    January 10, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    People are so insensitive! Where do these people come from? Mars? I’m sorry. Words aren’t always easy for everyone. They don’t know what to say and may end up saying something rude. I would HOPE this is what happened with those morons.

    HUGS to you! xxxx
    Impulsive Addict recently posted..Talk Is Cheap. I’m Glad Something Is.My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 10, 2012 at 3:07 pm

      ~~~hey, Impulsive,

      Morons is so true.

      Most people are kind, but somel are just plain STUPID & ignorant..

      Xx Kiss

  • Reply
    ed pilolla
    January 10, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    i think you have guts for lashing out a little. and i think you have incredibly loyal friends who love and support you and can take it. this blog is like a beautiful vigil for kay. you’re showing us what to say, and that’s so helpful. much love and peace:)
    ed pilolla recently posted..Still DryingMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 10, 2012 at 3:08 pm

      ed,
      thank you for your support, dear. Xx

  • Reply
    Rebecca
    January 10, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    I know that I am guilty of such stupid statements. But I hope that I am evolving into a gentler, more thoughtful person. I think that this post needs to be seen by everyone. It has had an impact on me that will make me a more compassionate person. Even if I have no words, I can be there. To listen, to care. To let someone know that they are not alone.
    Rebecca recently posted..Talk to us Tuesday!My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 10, 2012 at 3:19 pm

      –Rebecca,
      My best friends Listen & just Love me.

      They NEVER give me advice or judge me.

      I love that about them. Xx

  • Reply
    Grumpy Grateful Mom
    January 11, 2012 at 12:49 am

    I think I have a special knack for saying the wrong thing, but always mean well. Love you.
    Grumpy Grateful Mom recently posted..Twas the Night of a MotherMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 11, 2012 at 6:43 am

      Grumpy mom,
      we are all evolving & learning.

      Love you 2.

  • Reply
    cosmopolla
    January 11, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Kim, it is extremely hard to say anything to a mourning person.
    Every person is different and every mourning is different.
    Thanks for teaching me and I admire your honesty (tell Mr. Liverpool that sometimes honesty is more important than savoir vivre. Greetings to him!)

    I’ve come to mourn with you and as long as it takes, I’ll be here waiting. I love you. Alex
    cosmopolla recently posted..“Where children sleep” by James Mollison – a must have book for all children and their parentsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Heather
    January 11, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    This is my first time here and after reading a few posts I wanted to comment. First of all, I appreciate your candor and honesty. And second, after the loss of a loved one, a soul mate, a parent, a child, it is often hard to find the words to say because all we want to do is comfort them. After my best friend in the whole entire world lost her baby, just days before she was going to deliver, it was beyond heartbreaking. I did not know what to say, nothing I could have ever said would take the pain away and I knew that. Being in different states I could not just drive over and hug her. She was not taking any calls (of course not), but I knew she would get my texts, All I said was, “I love you and today I am crying with you.” From this I learned that there is nothing you can say to take the pain away, but you can let them know you love them and will mourn with them. Thank you for your post and I am glad I found you.
    Heather recently posted..Good-bye, My Love.My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 11, 2012 at 4:47 pm

      “I love you and today I am crying with you.”

      Perfect. Absolutley beautiful.

      I am sure your friend will NEVER forget those words. Never.

      Xx Thanks for visiting, Heather.

  • Reply
    marie
    January 14, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Kim, I know most of the time people say weird words, as the ones you mentioned and it sounds terrible because the only thing a shattered heart needs is love.
    I try to never say anything in these situations as I don’t think any word has the power to help when the worst happen. You said it well, the only one would be I love you – it says it all, it’s enough.

    I am here with you and as long as you will be in pain, I will be crying by your side and praying for you and your loved ones. Much love.

    Marie
    marie recently posted..2011 ReflectionsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 14, 2012 at 1:35 pm

      –Marie,
      I send you love and appreciation from Minnesota. Xxx

  • Reply
    Jill
    January 17, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    I am sorry for your loss. 16 years in the medical field and I have no words of wisdom on healing from loss, moving on or anything else. The best anyone can do is quietly listen and be there. There’s no comfort one can give in that aspect other than an ear and a hug. Jill

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 17, 2012 at 5:43 pm

      A listening ear. A Hug.

      absolutley Perfect, Jill. X

  • Reply
    nikky44
    February 24, 2012 at 9:50 am

    No words can comfort except “i love you”. I guess that’s all we need to hear, or at least to have someone who dares look at me in the eyes, hold my hand, and say I know how you feel.

  • Reply
    Paula
    April 11, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Wonderful post. As a person we really need to be responsible enough for all the words we gonna to say so that we cannot hurt others.
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  • Reply
    Katybeth
    October 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    When I told my 13 year old son his dad died (a sudden and forever heart attack he looked at me with a tear stained faced and said, “Mom this really sucks.” Truer words were never spoken.

    It really sucks about your sister, and I’m a so very very sorry.


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  • Reply
    Jack Milgram
    January 10, 2013 at 12:22 am

    There are no right words, no medication and no counsel that could hep when we lose our loved ones.
    There are no rights or wrongs in overcoming the pain. What do they mean by “you have to feel better in 6 months”? Who dares measure the pain and calculate the sleepless nights? Our loved ones stay with us forever in our hearts and our thoughts.
    Jack Milgram recently posted..Annual Recap and New Year Resolutions for 2013My Profile

  • Reply
    Noeleen
    July 12, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    This is great – really well said.

    You know, I had a friend who had a car accident – two broken legs, one broken arm. I didn’t see him until A WEEK LATER. I did not know what to say. I was scared of what I would find, seeing him there in hospital. I didn’t think I could talk of my life, what’s happening, because his life wasn’t much happening any more.

    I found out years later he didn’t forgive me for it. He said it was completely selfish, and when I did come I spoke about myself. I can’t believe that (and can’t remember it), but I was just too scared to go because I didn’t know WHAT TO SAY.

    So what you’ve written here, truly, I value.
    Noeleen recently posted..The Escape – Part II: A chilling declaration that the dark hearts of this world seek ever to extinguish the light.My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 13, 2013 at 10:47 am

      ~~~~Noeleen,
      Ohhh, I understand your perspective.
      I think many people feel as you do…They do not know what to say, so they utter stupid things.
      Many times, it’s better to say little and just listen, love, be there, and hug.
      You know?
      People should be educated…Me included.

      Love your honestly. xxxx

  • Reply
    Noeleen
    December 30, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    This is excellent, down to earth and real, Kim. At no. 5, I’m amazed how you held your tongue. Great post.
    Noeleen recently posted..I had an ideaMy Profile

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