In Memory of Kay

Mourning Waves


—-Bless you, my darling,
and remember you are always in the heart – oh tucked so close there is no
chance of escape … ~Katherine Mansfield

 

 

 

It comes like waves.

 

A dark shadow.

 

It comes unexpectedly, spontaneously, erratically.

 

A black water.

 

Sometimes it ripples…

 

Never softly.    Never
gently.

 

Breaking me wide open.

 

Covering my full body.

 

Immersing my new reality.

 

Reminding me you are gone.

 

Gone.   fucking   fuucking Fucking Gone.

 

For example,

 

I noticed your velvet white coat…

 

Still stained with
makeup around the collar.

 

A shimmering ivory…A soft hint of your existence.

 

I thought about your exquisite face rubbing the material.

 

I thought of you standing in my doorway smelling of vanilla
& citrus-

 

Wearing that same
coat…

 

Carrying your famous baked beans for Christmas Eve.

 

Carrying your chocolaty chocolate chip cookies.

 

Carrying your glittery gifts all stuffed in TJ Max bags…

 

While the murderer stood
behind holding nothing.

 

Never nothing.

 

I thought of you asking the same question:  “Did you make our smoked oysters, Kimmy?”

 

It comes like waves.

 

Small stings.

 

Little deaths.

 

A continual ache—A fist twisting the heart—A flowing shade…

 

Brushing against rocks,

 

But never quite smoothing the jagged edges.

 

The uneven ridges.

 

The wound….The wound.

 

It comes like waves.

 

A rolling darkness.

 

The salt inescapable…

Always stuck upon my tongue.

 

My sister, Kay, was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  My world darkened…

 

——For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Click here NOW.  Do. Not.  Wait. One. More. Minute.  >>http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

In Memory of Kay

pink lips xxx XX


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138 Comments

  • Reply
    Ann
    December 6, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Oh, Kim – I imagine this time of year is especially hard. I can see Kay in her white coat….and I wish I could have met her….

    Hugs to you always~
    Ann recently posted..Maple Roasted Sweet Potatoes and SquashMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:45 am

      –Ann,
      you would have liked her LOTS.
      She was the kindness, most generous person I know…

      Hugz back. X

      • Reply
        Ann
        December 9, 2011 at 4:39 pm

        Hugs to you! …..and yes, I’m listening to Christmas music! I’ve never stopped! (you’ll love the stuffed pork!)
        Ann recently posted..Stuffed Pork LoinMy Profile

  • Reply
    Amy
    December 6, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Painfully beautiful, Kim.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:46 am

      Love love love.

      Xx thanks, Amy

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    December 6, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Kim feeling you close dear Kim. This time of the year its so fucking hard.
    xoxo
    Adriana Iris recently posted..I have something to say…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:47 am

      –Surreal. Sad. Sorrowful.

      You understand.

      You must feel like this, too, dear A. Xxx

  • Reply
    Linda Medrano
    December 6, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Kim, Sweetheart, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m so sorry this happened. It’s such a heartbreak. You express your emotions so elegantly and eloquently I am in awe.
    Linda Medrano recently posted..Things I Won’t Do In 2012My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:48 am

      –Linda,
      Thank goodness for words…or I’d need to keep it all inside and go INSANE.

      Love to you… xx

  • Reply
    Karen Sosnoski
    December 6, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    My heart still breaks for you. I like the strong, specific images that punctuate your overwhelming, bottomless grief…the makeup on the coat, your sister’s gifts overflowing the TJ Max bags, while her husband, her eventual murderer brings nothing. I can’t help as a reader wanting to see more of their relationship and yes, I’m curious about him about what went wrong in his wiring or experience; I don’t know if I really understand why this murder-suicide phenomenon happens more often in men. I know you don’t care about him, don’t want to, and yet I think eventually we’ll see him and learn to understand something about him from your writing. In the meanwhile, I didn’t know your sister but I associate her with good food, with glamour and fun, with generous nurturing and beauty and with you. What you’ve lost comes through loud and clear and sad in your words.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:50 am

      Karen,

      He was nothing.

      She was everything.

      He gave nothing.

      She gave it ALL.

      Including her Life.

      that’s All.

      XX Love to you.

      • Reply
        Karen
        December 7, 2011 at 8:59 am

        I guess that’s it, just senseless and unfathomable, a waste. It’s so hard to accept. At least you’re giving back to your sister’s memory, making meaning and connection. Youve touched so many lives, including mine, Like everyone else in your life, I wish there was a way to give you back your sister. Am holding you in my thoughts. Xo

        • Reply
          My Inner Chick
          December 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

          Karen,
          I hold a special place for you in my heart, dear girl…. Xx
          My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Irene
    December 6, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Like Ann just commented, this must be the hardest time of year. I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could for you. It’s so frustrating to see a friend who’s full of life and love, be completely shattered and torn, engulfed in grief. I wish you could find peace within yourself. I feel your pain. No one likes to see their friend grieving. But we’re all here and even though we’re not there physically, we’re all holding your hand!
    Irene recently posted..Letter to Santa Not Working? Try a Letter to the UniverseMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:51 am

      Irene,
      I feel your hand.

      I will find complete peace when we meet again. That is true. I will never be whole until then…

      Thank you, dearest. Xx

  • Reply
    colleen
    December 6, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    dear kim ,
    the darkness is still there ,someday the light will shine on you again .my thoughts are with you always .

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:52 am

      –Thank you, Colleen.

      The light will come…but it will never shine the way it once did…

      Xxx Kiss

  • Reply
    Rachel (Totally Ovar It)
    December 6, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    Beautiful words that accompany a beautiful photo of your sister. Tears roll down my face for your pain. I ache for you. I want to take your pain away. But I know I can’t. I understand the waves, the black water, the unexpected flood of emotions. Please know how important this blog has become to me. I adore you. I am here for you whenever you need a virtual shoulder to cry on. xoxo
    Rachel (Totally Ovar It) recently posted..Closure HaikuMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:54 am

      Rachel,

      I have a feeling several people have identified w/ my pain….

      Including you.

      Thank you for reading my sorrow.

      In some way, perhaps it eases your own…

      Xx Love. To.. You.

  • Reply
    Ronda
    December 6, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    I have no words to take away your pain, but I offer you my shoulder to cry on whenever you need, I will stand by you when you just need someone to listen, and I will never judge you for anything you feel or say. xxxx,Ronda

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:56 am

      Ronda,
      I had assumed I was crying on your shoulder.

      So glad to have you in my world, dear Friend…Xxx

  • Reply
    Brenda
    December 6, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    Kim – such a strong declaration of love. I was struck hard by the line “stained with makeup…” such a visceral image. No words my sweet girl other than Kay is at peace and is watching over you, even now her wings are close by.
    Brenda recently posted..How Fast Can You Twirl?My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:56 am

      –Brenda.

      I feel her every single day thru my own heartbeat.

      Love for you. Xx

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    December 6, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Love you. xo
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..A Baking DisasterMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:57 am

      Mama, Alison,

      Love you back. Xx

      Thank you for coming back to my misery & mourning.

  • Reply
    Helene Abbott
    December 6, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    Kim,
    Holidays, oh holidays, how they bring it back, memories of such good times and then the sadness as well. But…we have to go forward. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, knowing Saint Shirley and all the good food her, Daddy and you guys put together and the ability you have to make it work, will make for a good holiday for you all. Bueon Natale….
    Sissy

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:58 am

      Sissy,

      Forward…going forward….

      Ahhh, that’s the rub.

      –that’s the hardest part.

      Coffee soon, dear S. xx

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury, Freelance Writer & Blogger
    December 6, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Love is eternal. And so is pain. Never goes away. Especially during important festivals.

    I feel for you. Know that I always have a big hug for you.
    Vidya Sury, Freelance Writer & Blogger recently posted..HonoredMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 6:59 am

      –Vidya,
      I know you feel this way, too.

      — we are feeing it together.

      Lots of love flowing from here to India. Xx

  • Reply
    Monica
    December 6, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Kim,

    This line is so amazingly beautiful and so real, too:

    The salt inescapable…

    Always stuck upon my tongue.

    It conveys your pain. So, so sorry. Hugs xx oo
    Monica recently posted..The Road Taken: Christmas with PamMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:00 am

      Monica.

      One learns somehow to live w/ the salt upon one’s tongue.

      This is what I am trying to do.

      So glad I found you, Dearest M. Xx

      • Reply
        Monica
        December 9, 2011 at 11:33 pm

        And I you! I so wish I could ease your pain. Know that the blogging community adores you and wishes you the best this holiday season. xx
        Monica recently posted..No Discount For You!My Profile

  • Reply
    Michael Ann
    December 6, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    My heart is aching for you and your sister and all the pain and loss. Writing about it the way you do is a wonderful thing for you, I am so glad you do this. You will always miss her. The waves of grief….. Hugs and love to you.
    Michael Ann recently posted..Who stole Christmas?My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:02 am

      –Michael Ann,

      the waves will always come…. Always.

      Why would I think otherwise?

      thanks for reading, M Xx

  • Reply
    Jessica
    December 6, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    I can’t even imagine how difficult the holidays are for you without your sister. My thoughts are with you. Hugs.
    Jessica recently posted..How To Make Your Writing Area Bigger In WordPressMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:03 am

      –Jessica,

      the scents, ornaments, gatherings, tree, falling snow…..

      baking…

      something is missing. continually missing.

      xx

  • Reply
    nan @ LBDDiaries
    December 7, 2011 at 1:25 am

    Holidays are so poignant. A time of love, holiday cheer and celebrating The Reason for the season. All that joy must grate sometimes until you get past this ache on this day for a few moments. I luff you.
    nan @ LBDDiaries recently posted..Christmas MayhemMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:04 am

      Luff you back.

      I shall never get over the ache.

      Xx

  • Reply
    Goodness and Grit
    December 7, 2011 at 3:30 am

    I am forwarding this to a friend that just lost her husband. The condolences of friends and family are not enough. Sometimes it takes knowing you really are not the only one hurting and that someone else is in fact wearing your shoes along with you. Did that even make sense?

    My point is, Kim, you are helping so many people in so many ways. I want to share you with her too.

    Thank you for being here.
    Kimberly

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:05 am

      Kimberly,

      Yes. It made complete sense.

      Thank you for being there, too. Xxx

  • Reply
    Twisted Domestic Goddess
    December 7, 2011 at 4:49 am

    (((hugs))) as always you’re in my thoughts and prayers Kim.This time of year is so hard!
    Twisted Domestic Goddess recently posted..A Quiet Awwww Moment?My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:05 am

      Twisted,

      I love prayers. thank you. XX

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    December 7, 2011 at 4:56 am

    *a hug from over the seas* Kim, you write through your pain so eloquently xxx
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..Lost On Norfolk IslandMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:06 am

      Lorraine,

      I feel your hugs all the way from Down Under…

      XX00

  • Reply
    Hilary
    December 7, 2011 at 4:59 am

    Oh Kim, I can’t imagine how hard the holidays are for you… not that any given Wednesday would be better, but holidays are always the hardest when you lose a loved one… This poem was not only beautiful but so true. Grief is like a wave… you never really know when it will pickup and hit you out of no where, especially as time goes by…
    Hilary recently posted..Alex may think he is a dog – He likes lamb chops! Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:11 am

      Hilary,

      When one loses her soul mate, how can she ever remain the same?

      Thank you for your kind words. Xxx

  • Reply
    Lola
    December 7, 2011 at 5:23 am

    Once again, the emotions you feel have been conveyed with such poignant beauty. My heart aches fory you, my friend. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this holiday season without your sister. So very sorry.
    Lola recently posted..Lola Gets The Holiday SpiritMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:14 am

      –I wish i wish i wish
      nobody in my family would not need to go thru this….

      I think of MYSELF so much, my own pain, my own loss….

      But Kay’s murder has effected MANY many people who love her dearly. Especially her boys.

      Thanks for reading my crying, Sweet Lola. X

  • Reply
    Tere Anne
    December 7, 2011 at 5:44 am

    Kim,
    I know the holidays are the hardest. You can pull through it. Always remember, Kay is watching over you. She sees what you are doing to keep her memory alive. She wouldn’t want you to hurt, like she did. Keep up the smiles and always remember the good times.
    Tere
    Tere Anne recently posted..On a more serious note…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:14 am

      –Tere,
      your words are very kind. thank you. X

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    December 7, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Kim, this poem cuts like a knife. With all those little details–the sweet smell of her, the luscious baked beans in her arms, you have brought your sister back to life. And then you hit us with the image of the murderer behind her, the “never nothing” line–it’s so incredibly powerful and moving. I literally gasped for air. Un abraccio della Sicilia.
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..Sicily, Still Haunted by World War IIMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:15 am

      –Jann,

      Love Love Love.

      thank you for your words. xx

  • Reply
    Hot Coco
    December 7, 2011 at 8:10 am

    “While the murderer stood behind holding nothing.”

    Your writing causes me to feel; to sway with a facsimile of the grief you experience.

    That sentence pisses me off, because that action speaks to who and how he is as loudly as the action that took your sister’s life.

    Love and light, Kim… xo
    Hot Coco recently posted..Tuesday, Where Did You Go?My Profile

  • Reply
    Daphnee
    December 7, 2011 at 8:11 am

    I’m so sorry for what happened to your sister. My deepest sympathy… I found your blog thanks to Aurora @ http://auroramorealist.wordpress.com and I love it 🙂 Your poem instantly dragged me into your world, your pain. It’s beautiful!
    Daphnee recently posted..A Real Man Never Hits A WomanMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 10:10 am

      Daphnee,
      Thank you for dropping by….via Aurora….

      It is quite insane & crazy over here. Xx

  • Reply
    My Inner Chick
    December 7, 2011 at 8:41 am

    –Hot Coco,
    If my words have caused you to “Feel,” I did my job as a writer & mourner…

    thank you for your support. Always.

    Xx
    My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    December 7, 2011 at 8:49 am

    I want to scream out loud for you on days like this Kim! Really REALLY loud!
    Lots of warm South African love to you.
    🙂 Mandy xo
    Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..Marmalade and Wine Chicken KebabsMy Profile

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    December 7, 2011 at 8:49 am

    —-Bless you, my darling,
    and remember you are always in the heart – oh tucked so close there is no
    chance of escape … ~Katherine Mansfield

    this is where you will keep Kay and where David will be for me. love ya. xoxox

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    December 7, 2011 at 8:50 am

    Poetically sad and yet brilliantly poignant. You touch my heart, lovely. You are quite the writer and you do indeed, bring emotion.
    HUGS 2 U. Much love.
    Theresa Sonoda recently posted..Mirror Mirror on the WallMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 7, 2011 at 10:04 am

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~Thank You for your continual support & vitual hugs, my dear, dear, sweet Terri.

      Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Ameena
    December 7, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Beautiful. You just capture your sister so beautifully…

    Much love to you during the holiday season. Thinking of you…
    Ameena recently posted..i’m checking outMy Profile

  • Reply
    Dad
    December 7, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Kay loved Christmas so much, but she is watching down on us and wanting us to have a great Christmas
    just like she was here.
    Love You
    Dad

  • Reply
    Bridget
    December 7, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Hugs to you friend. It is beautiful how you keep her memory alive. I’m sure it makes her happy, wherever she is.
    Bridget recently posted..WTF WednesdayMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 7, 2011 at 12:57 pm

      –Dear B.

      As long as I am breathing….She will be breathing…

      Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Joan
    December 7, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Yes, Kim- the waves will always come. I was at a fund raiser in the Twin Cities this past fall and spoke of my sister. It has been almost 20 years since she was murdered. Suddenly I was in tears. It still happens- just not all the time. Bless you at this time of the year.
    Joan recently posted..Honest differences of opinion?My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 7, 2011 at 12:57 pm

      Joan,
      It will happen Forever, Always…

      Until we are all reunited.

      Luv You.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Susan
    December 7, 2011 at 11:25 am

    An articulate, beautiful, breathtaking, heartbreaking glimpse into your grief and a longing that like the waves on the ocean, never – ever ends. The world is a more honest, a sometimes brutal and aching kind of honest, a more honest place with you here… You are grief and love without rose colored glasses.

    Much love, many prayers, and hugs across the miles- for the dear sister, friend, daughter, and fierce voice in THIS WORLD that you are.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 7, 2011 at 12:59 pm

      ~~~Susan,

      Your words move me all the way in Minnesota, my dear, sweet friend.

      thank you for your support & beautiful voice. Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Caroline
    December 7, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    I can imagine it being especially tough during the holidays, Kim. It definitely comes and goes, there’s good days and bad days. You’re always in my thoughts, lots and lots of hugs to you!! xx
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  • Reply
    Kelly
    December 7, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Mourning Waves ~ ~ beautiful, descriptive title.

    I hope you embrace the love that surrounds you this Christmas Kim – you communicate with your sister in a different dimension now but one, as you know, that is never lost. Always yours.

    As a clever fellow once said, energy can change its location but it can never be destroyed (Einstein).

    Love and Light to you – xoxo
    Kelly recently posted..Strawberry Tuesdays: Chocolate Bark All Dressed UpMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 7, 2011 at 3:02 pm

      —-Einstein was a very wise man.

      thank you, Kelly, for all of your support. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Pat Scattergood
    December 7, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    Oh, Kim, this is such a tough time of year. All the agony you’re feeling year ’round just sorta crystallizes when you have such poignant memories of your dear sister. I wish I could hold your hands and give you hugs and help you through this.
    Pat Scattergood recently posted..Hallmark is on a roll.My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 7, 2011 at 5:13 pm

      Pat,
      I have come to the realization that one needs to learn how to live
      with the pain…
      I despise when people say “Things will get Better!”

      No. how can they be better w/out my soul mate, my prayer partner, my best friend, my roots?

      It will be different…that’s all. Never better.

      Thank you. I feel your hug thru your words. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kiddothings
    December 7, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    My heart goes out to you Kim. The holidays must be especially hard….all these memories. You’ve described it so perfectly – like the ebb and flow of waves. Lotsa hugs to you dear. xoxo
    Kiddothings recently posted..Picnesday – Remembering NoelMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 7, 2011 at 6:30 pm

      Dear Kiddo,
      Thank you for your kind words.

      I think the waves shall never stop as long as one lives upon earth.

      Xxx Kiss

  • Reply
    Christopher Campbell
    December 7, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    The holidays. It is really tough for people like us, right? This will be our family’s first Christmas without my grandma, and yes, it seems incomplete without her.

    You are included in my prayers.
    Christopher Campbell recently posted..Holiday Gift Guide: The Diva PersonalityMy Profile

  • Reply
    eva626
    December 7, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    i hope everything is going well..this was sad. Best of luck. its always hard to lose a loved one

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 7, 2011 at 7:58 pm

      No, it’s not going well,

      thus this blog today….

      …thanks for reading, Eva.

  • Reply
    Laci
    December 7, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Oh I wish I could just hug you. I imagine that this is a very hard time of year for you. Your words are so beautiful. The way they flow from you is just beautiful. I am sure that Kay is always looking down at you with her beautiful smile.

  • Reply
    Kelley
    December 7, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Kay was a gorgeous woman. Is a gorgeous woman. She sounds so generous. So giving. So loving. Your words about her beautiful. I can only imagine that Mike Peterson has to hate himself by now.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 7, 2011 at 10:48 pm

      —–Kelley,

      It feels as if Mike Peterson never existed to us….

      In 30 years we never knew this man.

      I kept asking myself why he didn’t kill himself first…. I kept asking and asking….

      It is because he needed the final control.

      this is the conclusion I finally came to…. xxxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kelley
    December 7, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    I just read this article http://www.northlandsnewscenter.com/video/Family-Speaks-Out-about-Muder-Suicide–122372769.html and saw that he killed himself, too. Why couldn’t he just have done that in the first place? I didn’t realize they were married for 30 years + when this happened. He knew her so well. He was a sick, sick man. This article broke my heart. Your words break my heart. I wish sorry helped at all. I am so sorry.
    Kelley recently posted..The Female Arrogance Meter: How To Become Ultra-Confident In Less Than 30 Minutes, Give or Take, Depending On If You Take Absolutely Forever To Get ReadyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Impulsive Addict
    December 7, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Oy. You poor thing. I hope the darkness begins to go away. I know that the pain is forever. No…wait. I don’t know for sure. I can only assume that the pain is forever. Did the little effer get accused and put away for life? Please say yes.

    Again, I can only assume that this time of year is more difficult. I’m sending you LOTS of hugs from OKLAHOMA!! xoxo
    Impulsive Addict recently posted..Pet Peeves and PinterestMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 7, 2011 at 10:54 pm

      Impulsive,

      He killed himself after he killed Kay….

      He thought they would be together, but now …. Kay is finally free of him.

      Free….

      X

  • Reply
    Pure Complex
    December 7, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    One day.. You will see her again. I hope the wonderful memories of your sister leave you with a smile on your face today
    Pure Complex recently posted..Wish You Were Here…My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 8, 2011 at 6:46 am

      –Dear Pure,
      sometimes smiles….sometimes regret….sometimes crying.

      Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Barbara @ Barbara Bakes
    December 8, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Thinking of you today – http://violenceunsilenced.com/its-time-to-talk-day-2011/.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 8, 2011 at 9:48 am

      —I have written some posts for ViolenceUnsilenced.

      A VERY powerful Site.

      Thank You, B. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    December 8, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Hang in there Kim. The Holidays are always hard. xoxo
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    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 8, 2011 at 9:49 am

      –Sandy,

      thinking of you at this time, as well…

      I can’t imagine a day going by without missing, missing, missing…

      Love. X
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Cindy
    December 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    It is a very hard thing to handle the holidays for us, who has got very bad memories connected to these day. I lost my granny at christmas 3 years ago. Since then I can’t think about christmas like a happy thing. You described it well, it is like waves. Sometimes we need to cry and our children don’t understand why we cry on this beautiful event. I hope it will be better with some time.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 8, 2011 at 3:51 pm

      Cindy,
      It will be different w/ time…but never better.

      X

  • Reply
    Emily
    December 8, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Oh, the intensity of this piece, the imagery and raw emotion — I’m so sorry.
    Emily recently posted..Part One: Reveling in OrdinaryMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 8, 2011 at 3:52 pm

      —Emily,
      thank you for visting my new world.

      Xx

  • Reply
    Bella
    December 8, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Dearest Kim,
    I see this post as the equivalent of a dark stormy night and a bright day. Your pain, your angst, your disbelief that this horrible thing happened, affecting you and those you love, is most definitely like the dark night. Kay, with her bright smile, her white coat, and the joy she projects, is the day. Sadly, it’s impossible to separate night and day. Indeed, there are times when you think you spend much more time in the dark than in the daylight. However, always remember, that light always shines through. It will always be what follows a dark, stormy night–giving you and your loved ones hope, maintaining your faith, and that feeling of joy every time you remember Kay. Holidays are always difficult for all those who have lost a loved one. Yet, we can always invoke memories of those we’ve lost. We can let their laughter and the sound of their voices fill our head. We can remember what they smelled like, how they smiled, how they made us laugh, how they made us giggle. And in doing this, we will feel them as if they were literally next to us; whispering in our ear, reminding us that happier times still await us. Kim honey, hang on to the knowledge that the happy times with Kay have not disappeared. They’ve simply been paused. One day you will once again hit the “play” button and the light will again shine bright. And this time, it will be forever. Hugs to you, sweet lady, from me and Roxy Foxy.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 8, 2011 at 6:06 pm

      –Bella,
      your words, empathy, and insight continually fill my empty heart.

      thank you for being so dear and special.

      Love & Kiss for Rox the Fox.

  • Reply
    Tia
    December 8, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    That was so powerful. I love you!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 8, 2011 at 7:30 pm

      —Love you, too, Tia.

  • Reply
    adventures in alyssaland
    December 8, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Poetically painful.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 8, 2011 at 7:31 pm

      Thank you, A. xx

  • Reply
    Helene
    December 8, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    I feel like I’m there with you in that same room, watching your sister walk in to your home all excited to spend the holidays with her loved ones. I would imagine this is a particularly difficult time for you. If only we could go back and change the hands of time and erase all the bad stuff….

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 8, 2011 at 11:07 pm

      —Yes,
      I want everything how it was,
      but that will never be again….
      …this is the hardest thing to accept….so damn hard.
      I think I shall never let go.
      Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Grumpy Grateful Mom
    December 8, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Your voice is so strong. My words always seem so inadequate, but the glimpses you share of your sister always make me want to know her. Continually praying for you.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 8, 2011 at 11:09 pm

      —everything seems so inadequate w/out my sister….

      thank you so much for reading my mourning, G G Mom. Xxx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    December 9, 2011 at 1:44 am

    It must be so hard at this time of year.

    Hugs.
    Lady Fi recently posted..Of mist and rocksMy Profile

  • Reply
    Anna
    December 9, 2011 at 1:56 am

    There is no comfort to such horrible things. I can sense your sorrow. I wish I could do something for you, but I know, that there is no comfort. I am thinking of your family.
    Anna recently posted..dental bridge costMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 9, 2011 at 6:51 am

      –Thank you, Anna.

      One just lives w/ the mouring….

      There is no other way out of it. x
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Mourning WavesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Heavenly HOusewife
    December 9, 2011 at 5:50 am

    This time of year is difficult when you are missing a loved one :(, I am so sorry for what you have to go through. Wishing you comfort and peace when you need it most.
    *kisses* HH
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  • Reply
    aurora
    December 9, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Hugging you fastly from afar. So moving. So loving. Such heart written words. I love the way you love and I love you for being you. Thank you for sharing.
    Much love,
    Janice
    aurora recently posted..Terribly Sorry… I miss all of you!My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 9, 2011 at 2:56 pm

      Janice,
      And I love your kind, compassionate words. Xxx

  • Reply
    Unknown Mami
    December 9, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    Hugs my friend.
    Unknown Mami recently posted..Fragmented FridaysMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 10, 2011 at 9:14 am

      Unknown Mami,

      I feel you hugs, friend. X

  • Reply
    Tara
    December 10, 2011 at 7:05 am

    Kim,

    I know I’ve been M.I.A. for months now, and I’m sorry. But know that you’ve constantly been in my thoughts and prayers, nevertheless.

    I’ve been M.I.A. for no reason other than love, which has a way of consuming us entirely. But last week, he told me he’s unsure, which in “guy speak” means he doesn’t want to pursue the relationship any longer. I let him go (no point holding on to someone who no longer cares for you), and as is my usual style, turned back to God for the love I desperately need to feel right now. You can’t depend upon the people and things of this earth; they’re inconstant and always let you down (in one way or another). But He’s strong and permanent, and He’s helping me through this.

    This isn’t about me, though. I’m just trying to come from a place where I can relate to what you’re going through. And while nothing can compare to the loss you’ve suffered, I think the loss of love comes in varying degrees. All of the pain we feel is usually the result of love ending – being taken away from us – and when that happens, we turn to God to heal our wounds.

    Maybe that’s the answer to our “Why?” Why would God allow us to have this amazing love, and then allow it to be taken from us? Speaking from personal experience, I can say I’ve never leaned upon Him so much as I have in this past week. I’ve never prayed so hard, and as a result, my relationship with Him is so much stronger.

    In other words, the extent of our pain is proportional to the extent of His desire to be united with us. Your heart – my dear – is permanently broken, and that means you are in a permanent state of turning to Him. As twisted as this sounds, He allowed this suffering to come into your life, because He desires to be as close to you as is humanly possible. It’s a blessing, albeit hard to understand with our human minds.

    I know, I know – you just want your sister back! While my breakup is menial compared to your situation, I just want my boyfriend back too!  But I’m trying – hard as it may be – to say “Thy will be done,” and trust Him with my whole heart and life. A week ago, my heart was utterly broken, and while it’s still experiencing pangs, He’s helping it to heal. If I didn’t have Him to turn to, I’d probably be writing sonnets to this guys, choking on my tears, and who knows what else.

    Anyhow, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for being distant for so long. Please forgive me, and know that I love you and think of you often.

    Love,
    Tara

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 10, 2011 at 9:21 am

      –Tara,
      I am so sorry about your breakup.

      I am such a hypocrite –because I have always told you ” God loves you. God has a plan for you. God has a purpose for you.”

      I believe this,

      yes I cannot believe it for myself.

      I am lonely. I am sad.

      I am pathetically human & oh-so-weak.

      But Love endures….Love lives…

      I love you, Dear Tara.

      I know you have not left me…..and I have not left you. xx

      If you want want somebody to listen to you … I am here. Call me.

      • Reply
        Tara
        December 10, 2011 at 12:32 pm

        Kim,

        There’s a saying I love: “When you’re up to nothing, God’s up to something.”

        You are SO not a hypocrite, but you are human and weak. He understands this, too. Like I once said, if you can’t manage to pray to Him, just let your life be your prayer. Just as He knows you’re weak, He also knows you still love Him, and He takes pleasure in that.

        Thanks for your kind words regarding the breakup. It’s silly compared to your pain, but it hurts nonetheless. I would LOVE to chat with you sometime, so email me with your number, and we’ll schedule a “phone date.” 🙂

        Love,
        Tara

        PS – Not that you would, but PLEASE don’t say anything about the breakup on my Facebook page, as he’s on there, and I don’t want him to know I’m wallowing. 🙂 Thanks, lady!

  • Reply
    Patricia
    December 10, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Sending you nothing but positivity, courage and hugs you’re way Kim.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 10, 2011 at 9:22 am

      Patricia,
      I feel it. thank you. X

  • Reply
    The Drama Mama
    December 10, 2011 at 10:31 pm

    This is my first time meeting you via Write on Edge, and I have to say that this is such a beautiful, heart aching, soul touching post. Thank you for sharing your heart.
    The Drama Mama recently posted..BSOW: Do the HulaMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 11, 2011 at 7:21 am

      –Dear, Drama Mama,
      thank you for entering my new reality.I\
      it is a little crazy over here.

      I shall come visit you, too Xx

  • Reply
    Lady E
    December 13, 2011 at 6:05 am

    I love this poem Kim. Your words capture the depth and the seemingly never ending repetition of grief so well…
    My thoughts are with you. This holiday season is difficult for so many bereaved people. I hope they find solace in reading you.
    xxx From the cold and snowy French Alps
    Lady E recently posted..I bleedMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 13, 2011 at 6:57 am

      Lady, E…

      Thinking of you from Icy Minnesota to the French Alps.

      I love the title of your last post…I guess this post could have been titled that, as well.

      Xx Kisses sent your way, dear.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..My Christmas List for Mr LiverpoolMy Profile

  • Reply
    Pam Hogeweide
    December 14, 2011 at 10:13 am

    love to you Kim as the holidays send new waves of grief and sorrow. Rogue waves are the worst, sneaking up out of nowhere during the most ordinary moments of our day. I work at a hospital. On the anniversary of the deaths of my close friend and her toddler (head on collision) I was working and had to walk through the ER. I came around the corner to a man on a gurney just arriving after being in a car crash. I nearly lost it in the hallway. I had to go find a bathroom (thank God for private human bodily functions for they provide us private refuges in public!!)…..and I stayed in that bathroom with that wave of grief pounding on me. All my memories of Janene and Abigail surfacing, and how much I miss them, everyday. Her surviving children are often at my home, and I feel lost without her here. We should be raising our teens together. I see how the tragic loss of their mom and sister affects them, and try as I may, I cannot replace her. All these things flooded me in that little hospital bathroom. And then grace came. Calmed me right down, put her arms around me and reminded me to breathe, feel this, allow it, and breathe through it.

    I don’t like rogue waves of grief, but I suppose like any wave it stirs up, stirs up memories and forgotten conversations, times we spent together, mundane details that are now precious like gold.

    (hug)

    Standing with you.
    Pam Hogeweide recently posted..God, Occupied at Burnside Writers CollectiveMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 14, 2011 at 10:23 am

      Pam,
      Your words are Beautiful.

      —–this sentence stood out strongly & boldly::: “””I cannot replace her””””

      NEVER REPLACED. NEVER.

      This void ….our entire lives…. Always. Forever.
      but…I thank God I’ll see her again in Paradise.

      Love to you, dear friend. Xxx

  • Reply
    Susan
    December 15, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    It has been said, but I will say it again….you write incredibly eloquent of such tragic soul pain!! I am very sorry for your loss.
    Susan recently posted..Seriously, This is really happeningMy Profile

  • Reply
    Marian
    December 25, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    I hope you managed to somehow still take some enjoyment out of this time of year
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm

      –Marian,
      Thank you. xx

  • Reply
    Mrs4444
    December 31, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    I know this sounds weird, but could you bring yourself to make Kay’s beans this year? Just thinking about that makes me cry. I have four sisters, and I know how food traditions become so special in a family. It was maybe too soon this year, but I hope some day you can make Kay’s beans and feel joy in doing so.
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 1, 2012 at 2:55 pm

      Mrs. 4444,
      No. I have not.
      Nobody can make those like Kay. No. Nobody.
      When I think about beans, chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, …EVERTHING…

      I just cry. Cry Cry.

      Xx

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