Broken Halleluiahs


—I lay awake thinking of you…
 
All the days that have gone by.
 
All the nights.

The loneliness.

The insidious gloom.
 
The birthdays,  Easter, Thanksgiving,   Christmas.


 
The chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, ginger bread men,  Mexican wedding cakes.
 
Remember…
 
How we’d play Brenda Lee while we rolled out our cookie dough?
 
How we’d tell our stories and laugh so hard we’d pee our pants?
 
You wanted to work with animals.


 
I wanted to entice the world with words.
 
You wanted to leave your husband.
 
I wanted to leave my  job.
 
We talked about growing old together &  getting facelifts at fifty.
 
We giggled about wanting to lose weight while we devoured warm chocolate chip cookies.
I lay awake night after night…  Still
 
Uttering half prayers and broken halleluiahs.

 
I always forget the rest.

The part about restored souls.

The part about blessings.

The part about abundant joy.

Since you’ve been gone…
 
I live half a life.
 
I am left with half a heart.

Who the hell  fuck am I without you?

I  will never be enough without you.

Never whole.
 
The scent of cinnamon and nutmeg simmer on your stove.

The scent of your discontentment engulfs me.

The goodbyes we never said.

The secrets we’ll never share.

The monster who never left.

The cookies we’ll never bake.

The prayer that will never be finished.

—–My sister, Kay,  was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  —This was one of her favorite songs.  She played it over and over…

GET HELP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!    Domestic Abuse Hot Line

  Help For Domestic Violence

  In Memory of Kay 

Dear, Reader,  who is (was) your soul-mate?  Do you have a story to share?

 


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104 Responses to Broken Halleluiahs

  1. Ann says:

    Awww, Kim….

    That was beautifully written – and one of my favorite songs, too. I’m glad you spent time baking with your sister and I hope that one day the cookies taste a little sweeter.

    Hugs to you as always~
    Ann
    Ann recently posted..Thanksgiving Dinner Deconstructed – TurkeyMy Profile

  2. LBDDiaries says:

    This is one of my fave songs. Powerful. This version is so different and breathtaking.

    I say again, my dear friend – put your words in book or e-book form (sell them on your site). You say what others feel but can’t express. You can give them a voice and understanding. You can help them say, “Oh! That is exactly how I feel. Someone really does understand. There is hope.”

    You have a powerful anointing on you to write.
    LBDDiaries recently posted..So In Love and UnrealisticMy Profile

  3. Monica says:

    Kim, You have such a poignant way of remembering your sister. I can almost taste those chocolate chip cookies, and I love Brenda Lee and her amazing voice. You’re such a wonderful writer and have a great style in describing your sister, and your love for her, to us. Very sweet. Thanks for sharing.
    Monica recently posted..Happy Daylight Savings Day!My Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Monica,
      Brenda Lee is one our childhood Christmas Faves. We both loved her Xxx
      I shall cry everytime I hear her..

  4. beautiful
    The Bipolar Diva recently posted..Notice of Imminent DeathMy Profile

  5. What beautiful cherished memories Kay.
    Sending you lots of love and a big hug!
    :-) Mandy
    Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..My prize and a Rosti-topped Root Vegetable BakeMy Profile

  6. Beautiful post. Every time I read about Kay, my heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine the ache and pain. I hope writing it all down eases it somewhat.

    Great Jeff Buckley song.
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..I Do Not RegretMy Profile

  7. These words are so heartbreaking and filled with pain. But also infused with all the love you have for your beautiful sister. Your writing is so powerful and very, very moving.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Dear, Becoming,

      It’s amazing one can write with so much pain…It’s the love love love that endures and spurs one forward…X

  8. I have been blessed with more than one soul mate. God definitely places people in our paths for a reason.

    It often takes a little time before this realization smacks ME in the head, but I have been so blessed. Your words touch hearts Kim, and massage souls. They awaken inner spirits and encourage.

    Kimberly
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    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      —Kimberly,

      about that path…yes, God places people in our lives for a reason.

      I believe this w/ my entire soul. Xxx

  9. Keep those wonderful memories alive. He can’t rob you of those darling Kim xxx
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    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      —Lorraine,

      You have been there the thru the entire journey. What a great distraction your beautiful blog has been. Xxx

  10. Kiddothings says:

    She was such an awesome sister. I consider my hubby my soulmate. I’d be lost, like you, without him.

    Beautiful song.
    Kiddothings recently posted..How To Be A 4-year-old PITAMy Profile

  11. Amy says:

    Oh, Kimbo. I love you.
    xo

  12. Kimberly says:

    Yesterday my sister drove me to get a medical procedure done…before I left I squeezed her tightly and thought of you too.
    It breaks my heart for you.
    I don’t know what I’d do without my sister.
    Xoxox
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  13. totsymae1011 says:

    Dearest Kim,

    Who will ever know your pain but those who have experienced a similar one. Prayers for your family. I could cry to think a loss should come as what you have had. What else can I say? You have a right to your pain. Tragic was your loss. A damn mess of things, it was left behind. Though somehow, you get out of bed each morning, no matter the difficulty, to nurture, love, laugh, cook, smile, pray, bitch, blog and keep breathing life into Kay’s memory. I can see you two doing all of what you describe.

    Blessings and comfort to you.
    totsymae1011 recently posted..And This Too Shall PassMy Profile

  14. Emily says:

    You know, sometimes I look at my daughters and I think about you and your sister. Is that strange? I don’t have a sister myself, but to have had that love, the power of that connection, that I sometimes get to witness, and to have lost it — I’m just so deeply sorry.

    This post gave me chills. You really moved me.
    Emily recently posted..The Long Road to a Silly QuestionMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Emily,
      I think about those childhood days w/ Kay. — those day make me miss her the most. Yes. SO damn much. Forever. xx

  15. Karen Sosnoski says:

    A heartbreaking, beautiful song like so many of your posts about your sister.

  16. debbie says:

    What comes across from your words Kim is that there were no goodbyes and no closure. So much I am sure you wanted to say to your sister and never had that last chance to say any of it. Your words are just gut wrenching…….love that song too. Beautiful.
    debbie recently posted..Banana Cake with Cream Cheese FrostingMy Profile

  17. This the line that really struck me:

    “Uttering half prayers and broken halleluiahs.”

    A beautiful tribute.

  18. A moving tribute to a sister, and to the power of sisterly love. Brava, Kim & a big virtual hug to you.
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..Sicilian Seafood CookingMy Profile

  19. WarmSunshine says:

    I’m sure she’d have wanted that good bye as much as you do :(

    My heart goes out to you and the memory of her.

    Take care.
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  20. Gorgeous song. I love that.

    Kim, one day the good in your memories will outweigh the bad. Your love for Kay keeps her with you always. You have a soul mate in high places.
    Linda Medrano recently posted..She Has Arisen!My Profile

  21. Also one of my favorite songs (I luv the Rufus Wainwright version).

    MY heart breaks a little bit for you today….

    {{Hugs}}
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  22. I love this song so much. I don’t think I’ve heard a version yet that I didn’t like, but my favorite is by Rufus Wainwright.

    My soulmate… I actually have met several of my soulmates on this particular journey; those who have traveled with me through many a lifetime, and who I instantly recognize when I meet them for the first time.

    They are a mixture of friends and family; those with whom I’m very close, and others who I pass much like a ship in the night. No matter the depth of the relationship, I know that being acquainted with them helps me along my journey.

    xo
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    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –hot coco,
      i agree. so many people for so many reasons…

      but Kay was my true soul mate…

      Love to you. X

  23. lafemmeroar says:

    I think this is my favorite post. This brought me into your life with your sister and while I don’t often get emotional this homage to Kay was just so simply written and packed with powerful images of the ordinary events that we often take for granted. Thank you for touching my heart today.
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  24. Dad says:

    I love you more than word can say.
    Dad

  25. Caroline says:

    As always, beautiful poem, Kim. Thank you so much for sharing and expressing your feelings with us. Wonderful song…Jeff Buckley is amazing.
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  26. Debbie says:

    I feel how raw the pain of losing your sister still is, but I’m grateful you’re continuing to shout your message loud and clear! She’d be proud of you, I’m sure. What a beautiful song.
    Debbie recently posted..America’s Wealth Gap WidensMy Profile

  27. Irene says:

    Love you sweetie! (((HUGS)))! Very profound words! I see it still digs deep in you! I may not replace your sister but I’ll be more than happy to eat chocolate chip cookies while discussing weight loss with you!
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  28. Laci says:

    I know it’s hard. I do. But I want to tell you that I think your doing something wonderful by telling the world.

  29. Beautiful song. And you always take my breath away with the power and beauty in your words. Keep writing Chica. Keep feeling and keep writing.
    Hugsssss
    XOXO’s
    Theresa Sonoda recently posted..The SecretMy Profile

  30. Tia says:

    I Love You!

  31. Phil says:

    Kim,

    The depth of your pain is matched only by the magnificent scope and beauty of your love. Another beautiful verse to your sister. I can picture Kay smiling with a tear of appreciation and love for her sister here on this earth.

    Light and love to you Kim.

    Phil
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  32. Jessica says:

    Please continue to remember the good times you had with your sister. I know these moments will never be relived but at least you can cherish them in your heart. Many hugs to you.
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  33. Liz says:

    I am glad you are keeping your sister alive through your memories of her. Keep on sharing…and fighting the war against domestic violence. You are being heard. xoxo
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  34. Hilary says:

    Kim, what a beautiful and touching poem….
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  35. Oh, Kim. Your pain and anguish are palpable. I’m so sorry.

    This is one of my favorite songs. I listen to Leonard’s recording over and over. This one is wonderful, too. I hadn’t heard it before. Thanks.
    Pat
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  36. Wow, this blog is very touching tribute to your sister and I’m sure it will help others. She looks like she was a beautiful woman.

  37. Kelly says:

    Your writing is beautiful Kim. Heartbreaking. Warm. Relatable. You manage to make me laugh and cry in the same passage.

    Broken Hallelujahs. What a powerful interpretation of Leonard Cohen’s song, I am more familiar with KD Lang’s version, which always manages to bring me to my knees. Keep baking those cookies beauty – – xo
    Kelly recently posted..Raspberry Dark Chocolate TorteMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Kelly,
      Kay and I would listen to that song and sob… So gorgeous.

      Love to you, dearest. X
      i must listen to the KD L. Version .

  38. Kim,

    I can never find my own right words to say when it comes to those you write for Kay.

    I have one sister, 16 months younger than I am.
    My first best friend.

    Losing her would be a nightmare from which I would never awaken.

    One of my favorite memories from our youth was right after I got my driver’s license. My parents sent us to church in their car but we went to the McDonald’s drive-thru, bought super-sized french fries and parked in a deserted lot to eat and laugh and congratulate ourselves on our freedom.

    It started to rain and we cranked up the radio (Tina Turner’s “You Better Be Good to Me”) and we sang and sang and sang.

    I will have that moment for the rest of my life.
    But it wouldn’t be enough.

    So once again. I don’t have my own right words to share.

    Just love.
    XO
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    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Julie,
      your memory w/ your sister is beauiful and has brought me to tears.

      Kay and I had so many like that…so many….

      It would have NEVER been enough.

      I will never say goodbye.

      Only Hello…

      when we meet again.

      Go kiss your sister.. Xxx

  39. Bella says:

    Kim, it’s half past one in the morning and if you could see me, you’d see tears running down my face. Only this time, something tells me laughing and dancing is not going to chase this sadness away, like nana used to say. This pain, your pain, is too real. It’s alive in every letter of every word in this post; so tangible, it’s scary. I’ve lost many loved ones, but I think what assisted me in the grieving process, was to be able to have some sort of closure. I think that’s something you’re missing. Like you mention, you never had a chance to say goodbye. However, I’m certain beautiful Kay, watching over you as she does, is conscious of your feelings; of your love. One day, you will again be in her company, baking cookies, sharing secrets, giggling. And this, this that you feel today, this hurt and angst, will be forgotten as you bask in the company of the one you love. What a beauty, your Kay! What a beauty.

  40. Helen says:

    I so love this song….my favorite ever since I first heard it….no matter who sings it. The lyrics convey that heartache so beautifully. I know they say our life here is but an eyeblink….but the truth is, it can seem like an eternity waiting to be with the ones we love again.

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      —Helen,
      **, it can seem like an eternity waiting to be with the ones we love again**

      beautifully said. Xxx

  41. I am so sorry. I know you probably here that all the time but I really am. Your writing was so beautiful though. Very touching and heartwrenching.I’m a good listener if you ever need to vent.

  42. We can pretend that the edges become softer, and delude ourselves, but deep inside, it is always raw. Because we just can’t stop thinking of all the things that could have been, and are not. If I feel that way about my mom, who was only eighteen years older than me, I can fully imagine how you feel about Kay.

    You express yourself so beautifully, Kim. I feel it, with you. And I pray for your peace.
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    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Vidya,
      I know you feel me…
      this is why we connected so wonderfully.

      **We can pretend that the edges become softer, and delude ourselves, but deep inside, it is always raw**

      So true. So damn true.

      Thank you for your WORDS all the way from India. Luv 2 U.Xxxxx

  43. Lady Fi says:

    A painful and utterly beautiful tribute!
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  44. Full of cherished memories. You’re loyalty to her memory is always inspiring
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  45. Somewhere your sister smiling, at peace, and happy to know how much you will always love her.
    *kisses* HH
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  46. Lady E says:

    You know what? This made me think that I should give my sister a ring tonight…

    This is also one of my favourite songs, and your sister would be so chuffed if she read the beautiful posts her sister writes for her.

    Thinking of you Kim.
    xx
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  47. Ameena says:

    What a beautiful tribute. All I can say is that I wish my sister and I were as close as you were with Kay. This is unbelievably touching.
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  48. Helene says:

    These posts you write about your sister always leave me holding my breath, with tears in my eyes. Your words are so moving and never fail to bring out an emotion in me that I usually keep quiet and hidden. The ache you must feel…living with a broken heart….the pain, the sadness…having to wake up every day knowing the world is a different place without your sister by your side.

    Gosh, you just have a way of pouring your soul which moves people and stirs their innermost emotions. I can’t help but think your sister must be smiling up in heaven at the mere mention of some of the happy memories you two shared together while growing up.

  49. Kelley says:

    I love when you talk about your sister. You love her so, so much. She was so fortunate to have you and you to have her. My heart breaks over all of this for you. I can’t wait for the day, on the other side, when you can give Kay a really, really big hug.
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  50. Thanks for sharing her song. My heart breaks for you. I gave my mom an early Christmas present last Thanksgiving, an Andrea Bocelli Christmas CD, so she could enjoy it until Christmas. She died that night. I brought it home later and I played it again this afternoon. Music really does bring back so many memories.
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  51. Brenda says:

    I think you should compile the Kay posts into a book .. they’re beautiful, heart wrenching but the story of your love and the bigger story is something .. food for thought.
    Brenda recently posted..What Inspires The Writer In YouMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Brenda,
      this is one of my goals…
      I always told her I’d dedicate my first book to her…who would have thought it would happen this way.

      Love to you, Dear B. xx

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