Broken Halleluiahs

—I lay awake thinking of you…
 
All the days that have gone by.
 
All the nights.

The loneliness.

The insidious gloom.
 
The birthdays,  Easter, Thanksgiving,   Christmas.


 
The chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, ginger bread men,  Mexican wedding cakes.
 
Remember…
 
How we’d play Brenda Lee while we rolled out our cookie dough?
 
How we’d tell our stories and laugh so hard we’d pee our pants?
 
You wanted to work with animals.


 
I wanted to entice the world with words.
 
You wanted to leave your husband.
 
I wanted to leave my  job.
 
We talked about growing old together &  getting facelifts at fifty.
 
We giggled about wanting to lose weight while we devoured warm chocolate chip cookies.
I lay awake night after night…  Still
 
Uttering half prayers and broken halleluiahs.

 
I always forget the rest.

The part about restored souls.

The part about blessings.

The part about abundant joy.

Since you’ve been gone…
 
I live half a life.
 
I am left with half a heart.

Who the hell  fuck am I without you?

I  will never be enough without you.

Never whole.
 
The scent of cinnamon and nutmeg simmer on your stove.

The scent of your discontentment engulfs me.

The goodbyes we never said.

The secrets we’ll never share.

The monster who never left.

The cookies we’ll never bake.

The prayer that will never be finished.

—–My sister, Kay,  was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  —This was one of her favorite songs.  She played it over and over…

GET HELP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!    Domestic Abuse Hot Line

  Help For Domestic Violence

  In Memory of Kay 

Dear, Reader,  who is (was) your soul-mate?  Do you have a story to share?

 

In Memory of Kay

104 comments

  1. LBDDiaries says:

    This is one of my fave songs. Powerful. This version is so different and breathtaking.

    I say again, my dear friend – put your words in book or e-book form (sell them on your site). You say what others feel but can’t express. You can give them a voice and understanding. You can help them say, “Oh! That is exactly how I feel. Someone really does understand. There is hope.”

    You have a powerful anointing on you to write.
    LBDDiaries recently posted..So In Love and UnrealisticMy Profile

  2. Monica says:

    Kim, You have such a poignant way of remembering your sister. I can almost taste those chocolate chip cookies, and I love Brenda Lee and her amazing voice. You’re such a wonderful writer and have a great style in describing your sister, and your love for her, to us. Very sweet. Thanks for sharing.
    Monica recently posted..Happy Daylight Savings Day!My Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Monica,
      Brenda Lee is one our childhood Christmas Faves. We both loved her Xxx
      I shall cry everytime I hear her..

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Dear, Becoming,

      It’s amazing one can write with so much pain…It’s the love love love that endures and spurs one forward…X

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      —Kimberly,

      about that path…yes, God places people in our lives for a reason.

      I believe this w/ my entire soul. Xxx

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      —Lorraine,

      You have been there the thru the entire journey. What a great distraction your beautiful blog has been. Xxx

  3. totsymae1011 says:

    Dearest Kim,

    Who will ever know your pain but those who have experienced a similar one. Prayers for your family. I could cry to think a loss should come as what you have had. What else can I say? You have a right to your pain. Tragic was your loss. A damn mess of things, it was left behind. Though somehow, you get out of bed each morning, no matter the difficulty, to nurture, love, laugh, cook, smile, pray, bitch, blog and keep breathing life into Kay’s memory. I can see you two doing all of what you describe.

    Blessings and comfort to you.
    totsymae1011 recently posted..And This Too Shall PassMy Profile

  4. Emily says:

    You know, sometimes I look at my daughters and I think about you and your sister. Is that strange? I don’t have a sister myself, but to have had that love, the power of that connection, that I sometimes get to witness, and to have lost it — I’m just so deeply sorry.

    This post gave me chills. You really moved me.
    Emily recently posted..The Long Road to a Silly QuestionMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Emily,
      I think about those childhood days w/ Kay. — those day make me miss her the most. Yes. SO damn much. Forever. xx

  5. I love this song so much. I don’t think I’ve heard a version yet that I didn’t like, but my favorite is by Rufus Wainwright.

    My soulmate… I actually have met several of my soulmates on this particular journey; those who have traveled with me through many a lifetime, and who I instantly recognize when I meet them for the first time.

    They are a mixture of friends and family; those with whom I’m very close, and others who I pass much like a ship in the night. No matter the depth of the relationship, I know that being acquainted with them helps me along my journey.

    xo
    Hot Coco @ From Flab to Fab recently posted..Meet Me On Monday 4My Profile

  6. lafemmeroar says:

    I think this is my favorite post. This brought me into your life with your sister and while I don’t often get emotional this homage to Kay was just so simply written and packed with powerful images of the ordinary events that we often take for granted. Thank you for touching my heart today.
    lafemmeroar recently posted..Sexual Manifesto of a Single WomanMy Profile

  7. Phil says:

    Kim,

    The depth of your pain is matched only by the magnificent scope and beauty of your love. Another beautiful verse to your sister. I can picture Kay smiling with a tear of appreciation and love for her sister here on this earth.

    Light and love to you Kim.

    Phil
    Phil recently posted..Ha! I’m Nearly Famous!My Profile

  8. Kelly says:

    Your writing is beautiful Kim. Heartbreaking. Warm. Relatable. You manage to make me laugh and cry in the same passage.

    Broken Hallelujahs. What a powerful interpretation of Leonard Cohen’s song, I am more familiar with KD Lang’s version, which always manages to bring me to my knees. Keep baking those cookies beauty – - xo
    Kelly recently posted..Raspberry Dark Chocolate TorteMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Kelly,
      Kay and I would listen to that song and sob… So gorgeous.

      Love to you, dearest. X
      i must listen to the KD L. Version .

  9. Kim,

    I can never find my own right words to say when it comes to those you write for Kay.

    I have one sister, 16 months younger than I am.
    My first best friend.

    Losing her would be a nightmare from which I would never awaken.

    One of my favorite memories from our youth was right after I got my driver’s license. My parents sent us to church in their car but we went to the McDonald’s drive-thru, bought super-sized french fries and parked in a deserted lot to eat and laugh and congratulate ourselves on our freedom.

    It started to rain and we cranked up the radio (Tina Turner’s “You Better Be Good to Me”) and we sang and sang and sang.

    I will have that moment for the rest of my life.
    But it wouldn’t be enough.

    So once again. I don’t have my own right words to share.

    Just love.
    XO
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me recruitedMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Julie,
      your memory w/ your sister is beauiful and has brought me to tears.

      Kay and I had so many like that…so many….

      It would have NEVER been enough.

      I will never say goodbye.

      Only Hello…

      when we meet again.

      Go kiss your sister.. Xxx

  10. Bella says:

    Kim, it’s half past one in the morning and if you could see me, you’d see tears running down my face. Only this time, something tells me laughing and dancing is not going to chase this sadness away, like nana used to say. This pain, your pain, is too real. It’s alive in every letter of every word in this post; so tangible, it’s scary. I’ve lost many loved ones, but I think what assisted me in the grieving process, was to be able to have some sort of closure. I think that’s something you’re missing. Like you mention, you never had a chance to say goodbye. However, I’m certain beautiful Kay, watching over you as she does, is conscious of your feelings; of your love. One day, you will again be in her company, baking cookies, sharing secrets, giggling. And this, this that you feel today, this hurt and angst, will be forgotten as you bask in the company of the one you love. What a beauty, your Kay! What a beauty.

  11. Helen says:

    I so love this song….my favorite ever since I first heard it….no matter who sings it. The lyrics convey that heartache so beautifully. I know they say our life here is but an eyeblink….but the truth is, it can seem like an eternity waiting to be with the ones we love again.

  12. We can pretend that the edges become softer, and delude ourselves, but deep inside, it is always raw. Because we just can’t stop thinking of all the things that could have been, and are not. If I feel that way about my mom, who was only eighteen years older than me, I can fully imagine how you feel about Kay.

    You express yourself so beautifully, Kim. I feel it, with you. And I pray for your peace.
    Vidya Sury, Freelance Writer & Blogger recently posted..Seeking Inspiration and finding itMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Vidya,
      I know you feel me…
      this is why we connected so wonderfully.

      **We can pretend that the edges become softer, and delude ourselves, but deep inside, it is always raw**

      So true. So damn true.

      Thank you for your WORDS all the way from India. Luv 2 U.Xxxxx

  13. Lady E says:

    You know what? This made me think that I should give my sister a ring tonight…

    This is also one of my favourite songs, and your sister would be so chuffed if she read the beautiful posts her sister writes for her.

    Thinking of you Kim.
    xx
    Lady E recently posted..So unfair!My Profile

  14. Helene says:

    These posts you write about your sister always leave me holding my breath, with tears in my eyes. Your words are so moving and never fail to bring out an emotion in me that I usually keep quiet and hidden. The ache you must feel…living with a broken heart….the pain, the sadness…having to wake up every day knowing the world is a different place without your sister by your side.

    Gosh, you just have a way of pouring your soul which moves people and stirs their innermost emotions. I can’t help but think your sister must be smiling up in heaven at the mere mention of some of the happy memories you two shared together while growing up.

  15. Kelley says:

    I love when you talk about your sister. You love her so, so much. She was so fortunate to have you and you to have her. My heart breaks over all of this for you. I can’t wait for the day, on the other side, when you can give Kay a really, really big hug.
    Kelley recently posted..Obama Obama White House PajamaMy Profile

    • Kim Sisto-Robinson says:

      –Brenda,
      this is one of my goals…
      I always told her I’d dedicate my first book to her…who would have thought it would happen this way.

      Love to you, Dear B. xx

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge