In Memory of Kay

Restore My Soul


—It’s been 499 days since your assassination.

And still,  I call your name in the middle of the night.

Kay.     Kay.    Kay.

My beautiful Kay.

Your  name is forever upon my tongue.

Your face is forever touching my cheek. 

Your heart beats inside my chest like a small bird fluttering.

I haven’t stopped crying, screaming, & mourning since you’ve been gone.

You are the only one who could possibly understand…the only one who ever truly knew me, truly knew me.

I haven’t been able to finish an entire prayer.

-The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul
.-

But my soul is not restored.

Not restored.

It seems impossible….

for a soul to be glued back together again…

Perhaps when we meet once more, my dear Sister.

Somebody told me recently, “Don’t think about what you’ve lost.  Think of what you have left.”

I’m trying.  I’m damn well trying.

But mostly, I think about you & our past together.

Gossiping endlessly into the night.   Telling dark  secrets.  Eating massive amounts of chips and guacamole. Drinking Apple Martinis.  Bitching about our weight.  Laughing because we finished one another’s sentences. 

Remember how you’d punch my arm squealing- “JIiiiNX!”

I’m so sorry, Kay.

I’m so sorry I can’t let you go in peace.  I can’t let you go.  I can’t.

I write the same stories over and over.

I can’t stop.

The words keep gushing   gushing   gushing.

The memories keep flowing flowing   flowing.

Some days,  I feel the promise of still waters.

Some days,  I can’t reach the surface.

Some days,  I scream out to my God whom I love….

  Help me.  Help me.  Help me.

Glue back my soul.

(Kay was murdered by Mike Peterson 499 days ago.  The sun stopped shining….  )

—Dear, Reader,  If you, or somebody you know is being physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, verbally, &  psychologically abused…Please get involved, step in,  & Scream,    NO MORE!   NO MORE!    NO MORE!

My sister is gone because we thought the monster would change.   He NEVER changed.  He never changed.

Do.   Not.   Wait.   One.   More.   Day.

pink lips  

**For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at– 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

                 click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

      In Memory of Kay

http://myinnerchick.com/help-for-domestic-violence/


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98 Comments

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    October 14, 2011 at 6:03 am

    I love you. I really do. No words that I say will ever take that pain away that you feel. But I offer you prayers of strength….you’ll get to those waters of calmness…and she’ll be right there with you ready to punch your arm and yell Jinx.
    I am so proud of you for continuing to write through this. I know that one day there will be a woman who will be so shaken by your words and will get the help that she deserves.
    You’re doing good work here even through your immense pain.
    Hugs friend.
    Kimberly recently posted..How Can I Help You?My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:24 am

      Sweet, Kimberly,
      —- words are small prayers that have saved me to an extent. I think you understand, don’t you?

      Love to you from MN, dear. xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    lifeintheboomerlane
    October 14, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Every word you write to honor Kay and to express your grief will empower another women to take a stand against an abusive relationship. Your love and committment will save lives.

  • Reply
    Kiddothings
    October 14, 2011 at 7:24 am

    Keep praying Kim. God will help you overcome your grief one day if you surrender to Him. *Hugs*
    Kiddothings recently posted..Angry MomsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Irene
    October 14, 2011 at 7:26 am

    ((((HUGS)))) Wish I could be there for you to cry on. I hate seeing friends suffer like this.
    We need to go shopping together!
    Irene recently posted..Things I Won’t Do Before I DieMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:26 am

      –Irene,
      I have a feeling we’d definitely go shopping & have wine together. X
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    October 14, 2011 at 7:40 am

    (((hugsssss))) Kim, I know there is peace in your future. I have faith that peace will come eventually. xoxo
    Sandy Webb recently posted..Stop And Smell The RosesMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:27 am

      —Sandy,
      Some Day Perhaps…. when I meet my sister once again…. Xx Love.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    October 14, 2011 at 7:53 am

    you wise freind is right- think about all you have left. Kay can be in what is left. My David is and it gives me comfort that he is looking over my shoulder. We can’t get them back no mater how much we cry and feel like 1/2 the person we used to be. But their love wants us to go on and i am going to tell David to whisper into your ear that it takes time, but he knows you will know joy again. And I know kay would only want that for you.
    xxx elizabeth

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    October 14, 2011 at 7:57 am

    Kim, you break my heart with these posts. Your sister looks like a beautiful Queen Guinavere on a white horse… and she is now galloping free through the Elysian Fields…. A big virtual hug.
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..Sicily Under–and On–Her SkinMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:29 am

      –Jann,
      One of her greatest dreams was owning her own horse…. & being free of the man who eventually murdered her….
      I believe she has that now.
      Even so, living w/out her on this earth is painful. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Joan
    October 14, 2011 at 8:22 am

    For other readers, October is Domestic Abuse Awareness month. Yesterday I attended a fund raiser for the Safe Haven shelter in Duluth. It was powerful stuff. I saw a video about the affect on children of Domestic Abuse. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. We all need to work on making sure women recognize what is happening to them and seeking help. In addition, we need to have programs, such as those at Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs in Duluth that also share what they do world-wide- to deal with the men who abuse if they can be caught in time- before ths kill their spouse/partner/girlfriend. I wrote a blog post about Domestic Abuse recently. Here it is for your readers as well ( most domestic killings are completed with guns as the weapon of choice) http://www.commongunsense.com/2011/10/domestic-abuse-awareness.html

    The mass shooting in the beauty salon in California was a case of a domestic dispute gone very wrong and now 8 people are dead. Senseless. Kay’s shooting death was senseless and potentially preventable. That’s what makes it so very painful. She was taken from you, in the prime of her life, so violently and suddenly. There was no time to think about good-byes or what to say before you lose someone to a slower death by cancer, for example. That does not mean that those who lose someone to cancer at an early age don’t grieve as much or as strongly. But this sudden, violent event is so powerful. It leaves you with such a vacuum and so many questions. I think that is why it is so much harder to let go. It clearly was not supposed to happen. It has been almost 20 years since my sister was shot and I can still tear up at the memories or the day I got the phone call or thinking about what her last moments must have been like. I can’t imagine it really so I put it out of my mind. You are doing so many people such good with your frank and emotional writings. You are so willing to open your heart to your readers. That is why we like your blog so much and you, as well. We are standing with you in your grief and pain and will stand with you when you celebrate those happy moments that are and will happen in your life, even without your sister there to share in them. But she is surely sharing with you. She is with you in your heart. She will never really be gone from you. Take care, Kim. We love you.
    Joan recently posted..These deserve attentionMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:30 am

      Dear Sweet Joan,

      I LOVE how pro-active you are. I love that you NEVER quit. I love that you continue FIGHTING…. for others and your sister.

      You are one of my heros. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Linda Medrano
    October 14, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Honey, I cannot even imagine your pain. But I am truly sorry you are in such agony. Your sister’s death was so wrong. Still, the day will come when you will remember her smiles, her laughter, and the pain will fade. You will always miss her, but you grieve as long as you grieve and then you find some peace. I’m so sorry this happened to Kay, and to you, and to your family and to her friends.

    Thank you for sharing this. It truly may inspire some woman to get out of an abusive relationship and that could save her life.
    Linda Medrano recently posted..We’re Just Like Ashton and Demi (But Different)My Profile

  • Reply
    Dad
    October 14, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Kim, I morn with you, We will always miss her. But we will see her again.
    Love You
    Dad

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:31 am

      —Daddy,
      we will mourn our dearest sweetest Kay FOREVER. I love you. x
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    October 14, 2011 at 10:51 am

    thanks for sending the message out there, love ya.
    Adriana Iris recently posted..Home…My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:32 am

      Dear, Adriana,
      As long as I have breath, I shall scream Kay’s story. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    joann mannix
    October 14, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Keep writing. Keep putting down on paper all those heart wrenching thoughts, the blackness of your grief, let it come and one day, one day you will find that peace.

    I will never stop saying, I’m so sorry for the violent loss of your sister. By sharing your heart and her message here, you are creating a beautiful legacy for her.

    Look up to the sky and listen. She’s there with God, ready to bring you to the light of peace. Hugs to you at this hard part of your journey. I’m so sorry. So sorry.
    joann mannix recently posted..And Then God Created Ryan Gosling And The Angels All Fainted At The SightMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:35 am

      —Joann,

      I remember several people at the funeral kept saying “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry” and I said—- “I am sooo sorry, too. Soooo soo sorry.”

      But inside, I was thinking “I AM SO FUCKING SORRY. So fucking sorry. How the hell did we get into this black world?”

      Thank you for your lovely words and kindness. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Bella
    October 14, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Kim, Kay looks like a Warrior princess astride her horse! Oh my goodness, what a beauty! I can imagine her now, conquering and dividing, protecting the innocent, guiding others to a place of light and beauty. For she is now an angel of light and I feel you know this too. My nana once told me that when people died before their time it was because God had recruited them for his army of angels. You see, he only took the best and the most worthy. If this is true, then I hope the thought brings a bit of respite to your soul. As ever, you are in my prayers and I send love and lots of hugs to you, friend!

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:37 am

      —Bella,

      ——–your beautiful words fill me up.

      “”Kay looks like a Warrior princess astride her horse””

      SHE DOES! She does. Finally. Finally. Free.

      My heart loves you, sweet B.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kelly
    October 14, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Your writing will help you heal Kim. You say you repeat the same story over and over but I see you moving into new corners – walking through the pain. All this clearing a path for the next level. I love that your dad is on this journey with you. So lucky to have a loving father xo
    Kelly recently posted..Almond Parmesan Crackers – and a caveman dietMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:38 am

      —Kelly,

      You see that? Wow, Sometimes I feel as if i’m going quite mad.

      Yes. My daddy is my HERO. He listens to my cry all the time…

      Love sent to you from MN.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Laci
    October 14, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Keep fighting Kim. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could make it right for you. I hate it. That is a stunning picture of Kay.
    Laci recently posted..He Could’ve Been the Craigslist KillerMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:40 am

      —Laci,

      As long as my heart continues beating, I will fight. I will keep Kay Alive.
      Maby that’s why I was left behind….

      xx oo
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Ann
    October 14, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Ahhh, Kim. I love you, girlfriend. I wish I had comforting words. I’m sorry today is a bad day – I hope you can look at something that is in the here and now that will make you smile.

    If I could, I’d make you some guacamole and we could chat late into the night about Kay and you could tell me her stories….and laugh and cry and eat some more guacamole…..

    Hugs to you and yours.
    Ann recently posted..LasagnaMy Profile

  • Reply
    Pure Complex
    October 14, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    Stay strong and keep staying strong. She will forever be with you as your angel. I will continue to pray for you
    Pure Complex recently posted..Roasted Chicken w/Cardamom & YogurtMy Profile

  • Reply
    The Bipolar Diva
    October 15, 2011 at 12:05 am

    I am so very thankful that you have the memories. They’ll help carry you through the roughest of times. The pain never leaves, it just changes a little. You were blessed beyond measure to have her as your sister. She was blessed beyond measure to have you. xoxo
    The Bipolar Diva recently posted..It’s Boring, I KnowMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:44 am

      –Dear, Diva,
      I am glad you said “The pain never Leaves.”
      People keep saying it will leave….and that’s not true. It offends me. How do they know this?
      I mean, How can I ever be completely happy w/ out my sister. How?
      Thank you for your kind words. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

      • Reply
        The Bipolar Diva
        October 15, 2011 at 9:06 pm

        It’s hard to allow ourselves to feel happy. It’s as if we’re somehow diminishing what happened. We’re not doing that. We’re doing what ours would want for us. We’re honoring them. Not by forgetting them, not by putting them on a shelf in the closet. But by remembering, cherishing and thanking God for the time we had and living for them. Making them proud. Live as they would have wanted. But no, the pain only changes, it never ceases. And for that I’m kind of happy. I don’t want our loved ones to be forgotten, no matter how badly it hurts at times. We’re kind of in the same boat here. Neither of of really got justice for what happened to your sister and my grandsons, and that in and of itself is torture.
        The Bipolar Diva recently posted..I Think It’s Funny When….Yeah Another One Because I Screwed Up The PicturesMy Profile

        • Reply
          Kim Sisto-Robinson
          October 16, 2011 at 8:20 am

          —Dear, D.
          you know the thing that hurts the most?

          That I will never have a true friend like that again. NEVER. One who loves me just as I am. We were almost like one person…

          Love to you, Dear. xx

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    October 15, 2011 at 12:47 am

    Keep strong Kim. Don’t let that monster win by taking away your beautiful spirit! *hugs* We are there for you xxx
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella recently posted..Win 1 of 2 Barbecue Packs from Wiltshire BAR.B!My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:45 am

      –Lorraine,
      The monster took SO VERY MUCH.
      But I still have me VOICE.

      Love to you, Sweet. L.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    totsymae1011
    October 15, 2011 at 12:50 am

    The breakthrough is near, Kim. God is holding the hand of his child and steadily pulling you through the pain. Just keep walking with Him.
    totsymae1011 recently posted..The Eagle Has LandedMy Profile

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    October 15, 2011 at 3:34 am

    As always, you’re in my thoughts and my heart. xo
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..If I Could Turn Back TimeMy Profile

  • Reply
    marie
    October 15, 2011 at 4:21 am

    Don’t stop crying and saying her name out loud Kim, don’t force yourself to let her go. Every tear and every word you say are there to help other women say NO MORE. You are Kay’s voice over eternity, one day you’ll meet again, one day she will say thank you to you.
    Your words echo so many other martyrs over the world and move me always very much.

    Take care Kim, may God help you through the pain and give you strength to continue the battle.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:47 am

      —Marie,
      I look forward to the day I meet Kay once more…
      Thank you for your lovely, profound words. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    WarmSunshine
    October 15, 2011 at 4:34 am

    I’m sorry for your loss Kim. I was married to the man I loved most in the world. But now, I’m filing a sseparation because I don’t feel safe with him anymore and my parents are bewildered at the thought of any harm coming to me. So even if it feels like the toughest thing to do, I know stepping out and far far away from him is the right thing to do. I screamed in an Eastern society where the girl is told to keep silent. Thank God my parents were not conventional about it and gave me all the support anyone in the west could have. sigh. A silent prayer for Kay from me. With love.
    WarmSunshine recently posted..Happiness Makes The World Go Round! — Fantastic FridayMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:50 am

      —WarmSunshine,

      I thank God that your voice is screaming…that your silence is broken, that you are leaving a man you do not feel safe with.

      My heart just leapt for you!

      I am cheering for you right now. X
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    October 15, 2011 at 4:55 am

    Each time I read this, I just cry.

    Hugs. Love never dies, you know. Your angel’s watching over you.
    Vidya Sury recently posted..More than wordsMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:51 am

      —My Dear Vidya,

      LOVE never Dies.

      It lives on forever…..& Ever & ever….

      Love to you, friend. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Barbara @ Barbara Bakes
    October 15, 2011 at 7:23 am

    So heart wrenching. Lost my mom last Thanksgiving and I’m too am trying to let go of the sadness of the loss and focus on the happy memories. I can only imagine how much harder it is for you.
    Barbara @ Barbara Bakes recently posted..Moo Shu PorkMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 15, 2011 at 7:52 am

      —Barbara,

      The pain is quite intense, isn’t it?

      I remember when Kay was first murdered, I was walking around in a fog saying over and over again…. “My heart hurts. My heart hurts so damn bad. How can a heart hurt?”

      It still hurts.

      Love to you from MN. X
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    October 15, 2011 at 9:38 am

    It’s so hard to let go, to forgive, to move on… It takes time. A long time. Let it all out. And one day, you will start healing.

    Until then, my thoughts are with you…
    Lady Fi recently posted..PunksMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 15, 2011 at 10:13 am

      —Lady Fi,

      One day. One day….Perhaps.

      Thank you for you kind words (As always.)

  • Reply
    nan @ LBDDiaries
    October 15, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Powerful, as usual! You keep screaming it out until you can’t scream anymore. Then scream some more. Scream until you don’t want to. And if that day never comes then it never comes.
    nan @ LBDDiaries recently posted..Let’s Get It On, ForeverMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 15, 2011 at 10:52 am

      –Lovely, Nan,

      thank you for allowing me to scream my pain…

      It is appreciated more than you know.

      Yes. Perhaps I’ll be screaming FOREVER. X

  • Reply
    Sandra
    October 15, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Keep writing my darling. Your words move me like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Clearly, this is a path that must be taken.
    I will always be so very sorry for your loss.
    Sandra recently posted..The Tooth Fairy is a Bitch…My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 15, 2011 at 5:06 pm

      Sandra,

      —- Believe me, I’ve tried other ways to get out of the path of mourning….but the other ways did not work… Drinking bottles of wine does not work…

      One must walk directly thru the darkness.

      x

  • Reply
    Liz
    October 15, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Sending love.

    – Liz
    Liz recently posted..Mark your Calendar: Miss Representation Airs October 20My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 15, 2011 at 5:07 pm

      –you are AWESOME, Liz.. Xx

  • Reply
    Lady E
    October 15, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Dear Kim,
    My heart goes out to you…And your family.
    As I deal with my own, very different kind of grief, I am learning that these things just take time. Sadly, we have to accept that the bad times will still keep coming, even if you have learnt to function again and can even find some happiness at times.
    You seem like such an amazing woman. Your sister was so lucky to have you!
    Keep going, we are all right behind you on this path…

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 15, 2011 at 5:08 pm

      Lady, E,
      Thanks for you kind, VERY TRUE words. X

  • Reply
    Nancy
    October 15, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Oh, I’m so sorry. I was in an abusive marriage for way too long. One day I realized he might kill me if I didn’t leave. Unfortunately, I know how hard it is to leave the relationship and how someone can manipulate your mind.

    Prayers!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 15, 2011 at 5:09 pm

      –Nancy,
      When Kay decided to leave for good, the son-of-a-bitch killed her.

      SO glad you got out. Xxx

  • Reply
    Lady goo goo gaga
    October 15, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Because you never stop writing about your sister’s murder, it must help so many people………Thanks for the visit….

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 15, 2011 at 8:24 pm

      —Thanks for visiting, Lady Goo Goo…x

  • Reply
    Impulsive Addict
    October 15, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    Oh sweet Chick,
    I’m so so sorry. This is so heartbreaking. It makes me sad. Do you have a support group? Please tell me yes or that you’re talking to a professional? Blogging about it is good also.

    #1. I need your email. This is my only form of contacting you and you asked me a question in my comments.
    #2. You asked if I was a teacher. Yes, I WAS a teacher for 7 years before staying at home to be a full time mommy. I miss teaching dearly and I blog about lots of embarrassing situations that I found myself in as teacher.
    #3. We need to be friends. I think we would like each other. I would totally drink apple martini’s with you even though I really like Captain and Coke.
    Impulsive Addict recently posted..FORGET YOU!My Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 16, 2011 at 8:17 am

      Dear Impulsive….

      I have a STONG Italian Family…This is why losing Kay was so difficult for all of us..she was a HUGE part of this wild family.

      I HATE living w/out her.

      —So nice you can be home w/ your children :))

      My Email is siammuse@msn.com

      x

  • Reply
    Laura@Catharsis
    October 16, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    I cannot begin to understand your pain. I am so very sorry for your loss and pray you will find peace soon. I must say that what you are doing, encouraging victims of abuse to seek help, is an amazing thing. You are somehow taking this nightmare and doing good with it, even if it doesn’t seem enough. It is a lot. You are potentially saving someone’s life, and that, in itself, is so admirable. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Laura@Catharsis recently posted..Our Family’s Story – dealing with infant strokeMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 16, 2011 at 3:31 pm

      —Dear, Laura,
      Thank you for your encouraging words. They are appreciated. X

  • Reply
    Kristy @PampersandPinot
    October 16, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    My heart breaks. I’m so sorry. Senseless. Your bond is still so beautiful.
    Kristy @PampersandPinot recently posted..My Kind of KidsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 16, 2011 at 3:32 pm

      —Kristy,
      No bond was stronger….
      No love was greater…. X

  • Reply
    Bridget
    October 16, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Wishing you peace. Today, tomorrow, and beyond.
    Bridget recently posted..Saturday PhotosMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 16, 2011 at 3:33 pm

      —Dear, B.
      Thank you.

      But… I don’t know if I can ever have complete peace without my dear, Kay.

      xx

  • Reply
    Grumpy Grateful Mom
    October 16, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    I’m always praying for you, hoping for you to find more moments of peace. Wish I could take away your pain. I admire your crusade again domestic violence–I’m certain you are having an impact on more people than you even know about.
    Grumpy Grateful Mom recently posted..The Parent Teacher ConferenceMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 16, 2011 at 5:34 pm

      —Dear, Grumpy G.
      I appreciate your kind words. Xx

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    October 16, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    I like the advice Nan gave you. Scream Scream Scream. It’s how you deal. It’s how you cope. We’re here to listen to you and won’t ever go away unless you want us to. Your beautiful soul shines through your grief and touches my heart. Much love from your nutty Vegas friend. Always…..

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 17, 2011 at 4:43 am

      –Dear Nutty Vegas Friend,
      Thank You for listening to my Screaming, Lamenting, & Mourning. I think I shall be doing this forever & Ever.
      xxx Kiss from your Nutty MN Friend.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Restore My SoulMy Profile

  • Reply
    countingducks
    October 17, 2011 at 3:17 am

    You cannot read this without feeling saddened at the waste of such a young life. My thought are always with you on this topic. You are a credit to your sister in my opinion
    countingducks recently posted..New Themes: Modern News and Dusk to DawnMy Profile

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    October 17, 2011 at 4:34 am

    For some reason, this reminds me of the Brad Paisley song, “I Wish you’d stay.” I’m so sorry for your loss.
    Blond Duck recently posted..Magical Monday 60–Halloween styleMy Profile

  • Reply
    (FL) Girl with a New Life
    October 17, 2011 at 10:50 am

    My heart aches for you. Some people live a whole lifetime without ever having been that close to someone.

  • Reply
    The Flying Chalupa
    October 17, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    And that’s what mourning is. The not letting go. And that’s okay.

    I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through.

    Kay sounded like such an amazing person.

  • Reply
    Cheryl`Lewis
    October 18, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Fury, fury, I feel fury when I read your posts.

    Unfair! Unfair!

    Rage, I feel rage and want to lash out.

    You’re not alone. We’re armed beside you.

    Protect her! Save her! Bring her BACK!

    Grieving, weeping, I feel pain as we live your loss.

    Flailing, punching, craving a target.

    Needing RELIEF.

    Stunned, withdrawing, I turn inside.

    Nowhere is safe.

    And yet… there… reality.

    Aching, praying, I find truth.

    He cares, will never leave.

    In Him, I find her reflection…

    …her laughter loud and loving…

    …her lipstick shouting fun…

    …her SELF evermore…

    In Him, I find her.

    Tomorrow, Lord…

    …thank You for yesterday…

    …I praise You for tomorrow…

    …forgive me today.
    Cheryl`Lewis recently posted..Yard Sale to Benefit MarkenleyMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 18, 2011 at 2:54 pm

      —Cheryl.
      ***your words are intense, profound, & true.

      The beauty of the syllables fill me up inside. Xx Luv You.

  • Reply
    Dave
    October 18, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    This is a beautiful tribute to your sister, this entire site. I’ve shut off comment luv on this post, because I want you to understand this is not a comment to trade a link, its a genuine response to your sisters story.

    I hope one day you find peace, but in the meantime continue to tell us about her! It sounds like she was an awesome human being, so lets here all about her! Tell us all of the great storys and good times you had with her. Share your memories, let us know what she was all about. It looks to me like you have an eager audience.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 18, 2011 at 8:22 pm

      —-Dave,
      I appreciate you reading about Kay. She was the love of my life & best friend.

      You’re sweet. x

  • Reply
    Becoming herself
    October 19, 2011 at 1:21 am

    Hi, Kim

    I have been wanting to comment on your blog for some time, but truly did not know what to say in response to your terrible, terrible grief. You are so courageous to reach out to others who might be in the same situation as your sister. Who knows what hope and change you may have brought and will bring to people who read about your beautiful sister, but who may never comment here or contact you.

    I wonder if you know the poem ‘Separation’ by Merwin? It expresses both grief and hope, I think, and means a lot to me:

    Separation

    Your absence has gone through me
    Like thread through a needle.
    Everything I do is stitched with its color.

    W.S. Merwin

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 19, 2011 at 4:40 am

      —Dear, Becoming herself,

      Thank you for visiting….

      I love the words by Merwin….and I shall Google and print it.

      Yes. An absence that LARGE goes thru you … It become part of your existance FOREVER & Ever.

      Lovely.

      Thank you. Xx

  • Reply
    Phil
    October 19, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Kim,

    A part of me feels for your pain and that helpless frustration that runs through your soul.
    A part of me hears those cries in the night.
    A part of me knows that your words will touch many, even saving some lives.
    A part of me sees how much love that you bleed.
    A part of me aches when I see you this way.
    A part of me wishes this was all but a bad dream.

    All of me sending all of you wishes of light, warmth, and love in these difficult times.
    Phil recently posted..Disconnecting and ReconnectingMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 19, 2011 at 10:17 am

      Phil,
      So beautiful.

      You are SO beautiful. Where did you come from, sweet man that you can make me cry?

      ———Sometimes I wake up and think “Please make this be a bad dream.’

      Then I realize it’s all true.

  • Reply
    Vikki @ She Has Cute Shoes!
    October 22, 2011 at 2:17 am

    Oh Kim.

    Didn’t fathom that this is what I would read when I came here from your comment on my blog.

    So glad I did though.

    I can’t imagine the pain that you went through or that you are even going through now but what I can say, what I know, that I know, that I know is let Him lead you beside the still waters. And He will restore your soul bit by bit without you even noticing it. It’s a process not a single event.

    Letting it happen is not a betrayal of your sister or even letting go of her – letting Him heal the hardest of the pain and restoring your soul – albeit a different version of you to before because you will never be the same – is actually honouring her.

    My heart just broke a little for you. Will be praying.

    Vikki
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    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 22, 2011 at 7:53 am

      –Vikki,
      Your words are beautiful.

      If I didn’t believe in my God, I would have perished by now.

      My soul will never be restored until I meet my soul mate once again…

      This I know to be true.

      —But I do feel some Still Waters…. xx

  • Reply
    RoryBore
    October 24, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Kay’s story is heart-breaking. my hubby (a cop) was offered a position in Partner Assault and Domestic Disturbances Division, but he turned it down because he said it was so heart-breaking that the woman rarely left. In some cases, even if they did, these men still find them. Kay’s story is utterly heart-breaking. But I absolutely believe that the words that pour forth from your very soul each time you share your grief……will help another woman, somewhere. I have no doubt you are reaching others in similar pain.

    Perhaps that is why the ache still lingers. God is using you, your sorrow and grief to reach others. Your strength comes from Him, to see it through. (and really, 499 days is not that long a time…I’d still be in the mightily pissed off range of grief!) It is powerful how you write.

    I love reading about your memories of Kay. In time, it will be easier to extract all that is good, from all that was painful. Then you will break free, and claim the promise of Isiaiah 61:1

    1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
    because the LORD has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
    He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
    RoryBore recently posted..Tuesday Coffee Chat – Mom "Me" MomentsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 24, 2011 at 10:37 pm

      —Dear, Rory,

      Sometimes He is so utterly silent that I scream to Him in the night. HELP ME.

      … and sometimes He brings the still waters upon me because he knows I cannot take one. more. day. without. Kay.

      She Loved HIM greatly. She was my prayer partner, my soul mate.

      One week before her execution, we were praising His name…

      Now I cannot pray the same way…. How can I praise Him?

      But still…. I never lost my faith… NEVER.

      Thank you for your verses.

      Without Him….I’d be nothing at all.

      I know where Kay is. Yes. I know.

      Xx

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