In Memory of Kay

We Were Beautiful Together


 

—I tossed and turned all night long…

knowing I’d spend another birthday without you.

I loathe celebrating life, birth, breathing while you’re inside the ground–

while you’re five blocks away  from me inside the ground–

while your dead  and rotting inside the damn fucking ground.

I cannot pretend to care.

I cannot pretend to  live. 

I cannot  pretend to function–

Fully.

Completely.

Entirely.

Sliced in segments.

I cannot  rejoice and laugh and delight in another birthday without your face sitting across from me—

Loving me.   Loving me.    Loving me.

Remember how you constantly stained the Apple Martini glasses with the glitter pink of your lipstick…

Or how we giggled and flirted with the cute boys at the bar—

Or  how we talked nonstop about philosophical books, God, Love, and our Futures growing old together?

You were me.   I was you.

We were beautiful together.

I miss the way you’d wrap each gift in fluffy pastel tissue paper, big beautiful bows,  &  Cat cards written on both sides with your scribbles.

“Hurry. Open the bag, Kimmy!”  You’d squeal.

Scented candles.   Girlie journals.   Dangling silver earrings.  Silk scarves.   Chocolate.   Always Chocolate.

My God,  how have I lasted on earth without you, my dear Sister?

How have I endured day after day,  night after night, month after month?

How haven’t I drowned inside my own tears?

How have I survived another birthday without you loving me?

 My sister, Kay, was murdered by Mike Peterson 1 year & 4 months ago.   The world weighs less.   I am less.   Xx

SILENCE KILLS.

For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

                         Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Read More about Kay here:    In Memory of Kay

pink lips  


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89 Comments

  • Reply
    Deb
    October 6, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Sweetest Kim,

    You were definitely beautiful together ~ but you are beautiful still. And you are still together. She remains in your heart and you keep her alive and introduce her to so many people with your writings and with your work in helping others NOT to suffer as she did.

    No doubt, you are beautiful still.

    Hugs,
    Deb.

  • Reply
    Linda Medrano
    October 6, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Kim, I am so sorry this happened to you, your sister, and your family. Nobody should have to experience such sorrow. I really hope for your heart to heal. One day, it will hurt a little less and the end will mean less than the fact that you shared so much with your beautiful sis during your time together. I’m sorry, Honey. Really.
    Linda Medrano recently posted..Protective Custody With A Lazy GuardMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 7, 2011 at 5:25 am

      –Linda,
      I am so sorry, too. One never thinks it will happen in one’s family. …But it did.
      Thank you for your support. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..We Were Beautiful TogetherMy Profile

  • Reply
    Irene
    October 6, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    (((hugs))) These are the times that will be the toughest! I can’t imagine the heartache that you bear missing your sister who meant the world to you. Take deep breaths. I’m sorry,
    Irene recently posted..Home Improvement Warehouses-The Place You Love To Hate, But Thank God They’re There.My Profile

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    October 6, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    sending you hugs and strength… we are healing you are healing and touching the world with your words.
    Adriana Iris recently posted..Finishing What I Started…My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 7, 2011 at 5:27 am

      —Dear, A.
      Everyday is different. Some days, I hate getting out of bed….Other days, I forget for a while that my soul mate is gone…

      You understand, Don’t you? Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..We Were Beautiful TogetherMy Profile

  • Reply
    Joan
    October 6, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    I’m sending my wishes for a happy birthday. You are doing great things in your sister’s name. That doesn’t bring her back. Kay is watching as you deal with your grief and as you come out on the other side of it a stronger woman. Keep up the writing. It’s heartfelt, funny, sad, poignant, serious, frivolous and I just love reading it.
    Joan recently posted..More NRA nonsense in the newsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Phil
    October 6, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Kim,

    I’m sitting here in front of my screen in a frozen state, desperately trying to think of something, hell anything, that will soothe your spirits and take away some of the pain and hurt in your heart. Words seem to fall so woefully short of their mark. I know you love Kay with all your heart, and that’s a lot of love from the little time I’ve gotten to know you.

    I hope you will somehow manage to find some peace and comfort. The wounds are raw, the pain is true, but I’m here to tell you that you are surrounded by so many who will be here for you to lend an ear to listen, a hand to help, their arms to embrace, and their love to help carry you through this.

    Light and love to you dear Kim on this your birthday. You are in my thoughts.

    Phil
    Phil recently posted..Weekly Photo Challenge – Or Is It Weakly Photo Challenged?My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 7, 2011 at 5:29 am

      ~~~~~~~~ no words. no amount of advice. one must walk thru the pain and darkness.

      Your words move me. Thank you, Dear Phil. X
      My Inner Chick recently posted..We Were Beautiful TogetherMy Profile

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury, Freelance Writer & Blogger
    October 6, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Kim, words cannot soothe enough. I hope this hug can. I felt the same way last week when I had my birthday and my Mom, my best friend was not around. Physically to hug and kiss me and joke with me.

    Know that you are loved, Kim. She’s watching you and loving you.

    I wish you peace on your birthday.

    Hugs.
    Vidya Sury, Freelance Writer & Blogger recently posted..All about SteveMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 7, 2011 at 5:30 am

      —Vidya,
      I know you understand. I know you feel this way about your sweet mother. So hard. Life is quite hard.
      Man must Live. Xx Hugs back to you.
      My Inner Chick recently posted..We Were Beautiful TogetherMy Profile

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    October 6, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Kim, I wish you peace and beauty this birthday, and know that Kay is raining love on you from wherever she is right now. As are we. xo
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..A Warm WelcomeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kim Pugliano
    October 6, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Dammit, Kim. I just had a fight with my sister today. She is my FAVORITE person in the entire world (after Noah) and fighting with her is rare but sometimes necessary and I hate it so much…yet I cannot FATHOM life without her. The two of us have talked before about how we could go on without our husbands but not without each other.

    My heart hurts for you.
    xxooxxooxxooxxooxxoo
    Kim Pugliano recently posted..What Have I Been Reading?My Profile

  • Reply
    Ann
    October 6, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    Hi Kim – I wish you peace. I am so sorry that this horrible thing happened to you and your sister and that the call for justice will never be heard. Sending you hugs and wishing I could make everything better….
    Ann recently posted..Enchiladas with Pumpkin SauceMy Profile

  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    October 6, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    My heart breaks for you again and again. I miss your sister now too. I’m glad you were born. I will celebrate your birthday.
    Wild Child Mama recently posted..My Mom Has Street CredMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 7, 2011 at 5:34 am

      –Dear, Wild Child,
      I think after a horrific death like this…one’s heart NEVER mends.
      Thank you for your sweet words. X
      My Inner Chick recently posted..We Were Beautiful TogetherMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kelley
    October 6, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    I am in tears for you! For Kay! I feel like I can reach out & grab your pain. I am so very sorry. I know your words & your posts are helping others find the strength & courage to leave abusive situations. I know you are saving lives!
    Kelley recently posted.."All The Single Daddies"My Profile

  • Reply
    nan @ LBDDiaries
    October 6, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    What a beautiful line – “You were me. I was you. We were beautiful together.” The descriptions – sometimes I feel I right there while she wraps in tissue, excitedly sharing, glowing. While I’m not glad she moved to heaven without you, I am so very glad y ou were born and are here to light my world. Because you do.
    nan @ LBDDiaries recently posted..The Loves of My LifeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jessica
    October 6, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    You are keeping your sister’s memory alive. That is a beautiful thing. Hugs to you.
    Jessica recently posted..A Slippery SlopeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    October 6, 2011 at 11:15 pm

    Kim you still are so beautiful together. I’m sorry that monster took your precious Kay away. xxx
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  • Reply
    Tandy
    October 6, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    there are no words! HUGS
    Tandy recently posted..Something SavouryMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    October 7, 2011 at 12:50 am

    Wishing you lots of love, peace and happiness this birthday dear Kim. I will bake some cupcakes in your honour today.
    Have a special weekend, I know that Mr Liverpool, Saint Shirley and Daddy will give you all the love you need.
    🙂 Mandy xo
    Mandy – The Complete Cook Book recently posted..Bike Riding on the BeachfrontMy Profile

  • Reply
    Psycho
    October 7, 2011 at 1:48 am

    Aww Kim, I can only imagine how you feel having lost a loved one myself.
    On days like these, I just trust in the thought that wherever I am, my Dad is watching over me.
    In the air I breathe. In the wind that touches my face. In the birds in the sky.
    In the trees that give me shade. In everything that is part of my life.

    Stay safe and loved my dear.
    I wish you a fantastic birthday and my your heart’s fondest wishes be granted!
    Psycho recently posted.."THE MAN WHO CAN’T BE MOVED" – A Tribute to Steve JobsMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      October 7, 2011 at 5:39 am

      —Dear, P,

      “In the air I breathe. In the wind that touches my face. In the birds in the sky.
      In the trees that give me shade.”

      Lovely.

      I believe this.

      Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..We Were Beautiful TogetherMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mercy A
    October 7, 2011 at 5:48 am

    Sweets,

    How sad.

    The pain just never ends.

    Love you a lot!

    XXXXX

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 5:53 am

      –Dear, Africa,
      Never Ends.
      Who knows better than you, sweets. Xxx Love you More.

  • Reply
    Hot Coco @ Flab to Fab
    October 7, 2011 at 6:28 am

    Oh, Kim… My heart and prayers go out to you for the unimaginable pain the insensible act has wrought on you and your family.

    I pray you will come to a place, when the time is right, of being able to celebrate your sister’s life as it was, fully understanding that there will always be a part of you that grieves her passing. I pray her murderer will not diminish you as he diminished her.

    Peace, love, and light.
    Hot Coco @ Flab to Fab recently posted..Out of the Country vacations and Weight WatchersMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 6:35 am

      Hot Coco,
      I feel diminished. That’s the truth. The murderer took so much from us. So very very much.
      Thank you for your lovely thoughts. X

  • Reply
    Countingducks
    October 7, 2011 at 6:31 am

    I love how you keep your sister alive in your memory. It is beautiful and touching and sad beyond belief that she is not still with us..
    Countingducks recently posted..Retro Mac ThemeMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 6:36 am

      —Ducky,
      There is no doubt that the world is LESS without Kay’s presence. She was a light. A bright, beautiful light. Xx Kiss.

  • Reply
    Bridget
    October 7, 2011 at 7:34 am

    Love to you and your beautiful sister. You’re so strong and wonderful to keep her memory alive.
    Bridget recently posted..Bite This: Panko And Parmesan Crusted ChickenMy Profile

  • Reply
    Margaret Mckenzie
    October 7, 2011 at 8:18 am

    Kim-
    Our dear friend Tony Rich died 4 years ago today!! What I remember most about that day is Aaron and Kay coming to the hospital walking through the hospital doors and her loving and supporting each of us. I remember her squeezing me and kissing my cheek and rubbing my HUGE pregnant belly~ telling me how beautiful I looked. I FELT horrible. I still love Kay and I miss Aaron terribly!! Thank you for reminding me to hold loved once close!!!!! P.S. I would love for you to pass my Email address on To Aaron!!!
    mckenzie.margaret23@yahoo.com

    Thank you Kim for your inspiration. I know that if Kay were here She would also give us inspiration to get through today!!! Love your family!!!
    Maggie

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 8:25 am

      ~~~~ Whenever I read your lovely memories about Kay, I get all emotional & teared up…..

      I can just see her loving your belly & Kissing you.

      She actually told me about you. I remember. How beautiful you were. How much she enjoyed you.

      Love to you, Dear, Maggie. I’ll send this onto my family. Xx

  • Reply
    Ameena
    October 7, 2011 at 9:41 am

    This post is so sad and touching, so heartfelt and terrifying, all at once. I’m thinking of you my friend…
    Ameena recently posted..i’m a risk-takerMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

      Dear, A,
      Thank you for the nice thoughts. X

  • Reply
    Grumpy Grateful Mom
    October 7, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Wanting to reach through the screen and hug you. Your memories of your sister are beautiful. And you are much much stronger that you realize. Your words and message are powerful.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 1:55 pm

      —dear G,
      Thank you for reading my mourning…. X

  • Reply
    Pam Hogeweide
    October 7, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Hi Kim

    My prayers and thoughts are with you as you get through this hard patch of grief. She should still be here with you, celebrating as only sisters can.

    (hug)

    I wrote a post a while back about my grief losing one of my best friends and her toddler daughter in a head-on collision. Her older children are in my home often. I miss her everyday.

    http://godmessedmeup.blogspot.com/2010/12/sometimes-unexpected.html

    (If we lived in the same city I would get us a decadent chocolate dessert to get sugar drunk with.
    Pam Hogeweide recently posted..The Writing SignMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

      –Pam,

      Your blog was recommended to me a year ago. I’ve read about your friend and cried.

      Life is SO damn hard, isn’t it?

      Yes. Lets meet for decadent chocolate someday… Yes. Lets. X

  • Reply
    Toni
    October 7, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    You are such a powerful writer, I am missing my sister today as well. It would have been her birthday today and my birthday was 3 days ago. We celebrated every year together (except the 4 I was away at college). Sending love and blessings your way. XOXO

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 5:25 pm

      —Oh, Toni,

      ~~ then you know how difficult it is to move forward.

      Blessing back to you.xx

  • Reply
    Dad
    October 7, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Kim, You are so beautiful, Yes we know how Kay was so caring. I can just see her rubbing Maggie’s
    belly and telling her how beautiful she is. And yes Maggie, we remember how caring and concerned
    Kay was when Tony passed. But That Was Kay.
    Love You

    Dad

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 5:26 pm

      –Love you More, Daddy> x

  • Reply
    Pure Complex
    October 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Of course I am sending you Hugs and kisses XOXOXO

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 5:27 pm

      —-And I feel them, Pure. XO

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    October 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Heartbreaking piece, Kim. She sounds like the best sister ever, and the two of you are gorgeous together, like twins. She’s watching over you now.
    Jann Huizenga recently posted..The Lady with the ComputerMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 5:28 pm

      –Jann,
      Twins. Soul Mates.
      & I know she is watching over me. Yes, I know. XX

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    October 7, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Truly beautiful together, at least from what I can gather from your pictures and writings. And, Kim, your heart is a beautiful heart. And I love your words. Thanks for sharing them.
    Theresa Sonoda recently posted..When Grad School gets toughMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 5:29 pm

      —Terri,
      I love when you come visit me. Xxx

  • Reply
    Kimmy
    October 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    XOXOXO. As Always I cherish our times together.
    Love you Kimmy!!!! K

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 5:29 pm

      Kimmy,

      Love you, too.

      I cherish your friendship Xx

  • Reply
    Lola
    October 7, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    I wish I could say something that matters. I don’t believe I can. I’m sorry Kim. Truly, deeply sorry.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 5:30 pm

      —Lola,

      No Words.

      Thanx for reading my mourning & crying & reality… Xxx

  • Reply
    Julie @ mamamash
    October 7, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    I am sure that Kay would be so, SO proud of you for championing this cause. But I am also sure that she would not want you to wake up for even one single morning and NOT celebrate breathing.

    Celebrate it, Kim. Every day that you’re able to be here and spread the word and change others’ lives for the better, celebrate it.
    Julie @ mamamash recently posted..Sometimes you have to shareMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 7:57 pm

      —Julie,

      I am trying. One. day. At. A. Time. Xx

  • Reply
    Sandra
    October 7, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    My god this is powerful. And it breaks my heart.
    I love how you mention your sister’s killer’s name. I love how you put it out there.
    Sandra recently posted..The Tale of Five PubesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 7, 2011 at 7:59 pm

      —Sandra,

      this is his legacy to his children and the world now. He is a Murderer.

      • Reply
        totsymae1011
        October 8, 2011 at 4:02 am

        It always saddens me deeply, when a child loses a parent. I don’t know how many kids Kay has but I think of children missing their mommy when I read about her.
        totsymae1011 recently posted..Cornering the Market on CrazyMy Profile

  • Reply
    totsymae1011
    October 8, 2011 at 4:05 am

    I know breathing hurts but breathe, you must. Kay would have it no other way for you.
    totsymae1011 recently posted..Cornering the Market on CrazyMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 8, 2011 at 6:56 am

      —I am. I do. It is hard to breathe without my dear, Kay.
      thanks, Tots. X

  • Reply
    Laura@Catharsis
    October 8, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Wow. I wish I could say the things that could help your heart, your soul, your every fiber. I’m not sure I have them. I am sure that, no matter how terrible things seem to get, there is a light around the corner. It might take some time to get to that light, but it’s there (at least I pray it’s there). Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way.
    Laura@Catharsis recently posted..The Exam Is Tomorrow, I Can’t Find Peter, And That Baby Keeps Interrupting My Train Of ThoughtMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 8, 2011 at 6:58 am

      —Laura,
      Sometimes I see glimmers of that light.
      Thanks for poppin over to visit me. X

  • Reply
    Megan (Best of Fates)
    October 8, 2011 at 7:20 am

    I’m so terribly sorry for your loss.
    Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..Friendship Application Form: The RevealMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 8, 2011 at 8:03 am

      —Thank you, M.

  • Reply
    Laci
    October 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Kim I cry each time I read about Kay. I sob like a baby. I wish there was something that could be said or done to take the pain away from you, but I know that there isn’t a thing that could make it right. I am so sorrry, so sorry! Bless you for having the strength to make it through each day.
    Laci recently posted..Peace, Love & Stop Domestic ViolenceMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kiddothings
    October 8, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    I’m sorry for your anguish Kim. The two of you were so beautiful together.

    Love and hugs from me.
    Kiddothings recently posted..A DelicacyMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 8, 2011 at 7:05 pm

      —thank you, K.

      It is appreciated. x

  • Reply
    Sam @ Mom At The Barre
    October 8, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    So powerful and so beautifully written, Kim.
    Days like this must be so painfully hard. My prayers are with you and your family. Sending you some virtual hugs.
    Sam @ Mom At The Barre recently posted..A Heartwarming Scene at the Apple StoreMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 8, 2011 at 8:26 pm

      —thank you, Sam.

      I’ll take all the hugs I can get. Xx

  • Reply
    Charlotte
    October 9, 2011 at 9:09 am

    My heart aches for you and I am so, so terribly sorry to hear of your loss. I can’t even begin to fathom how something like this can happen, but know that your sister walks with you always and will look down on you forever.

    Sending much love your way. XOXO
    Charlotte recently posted..Finding Love: Jaclyn’s Happily Ever AfterMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 9, 2011 at 9:51 am

      —Charlotte,
      She will NEVER be released. NEVER.
      She lives inside me.
      thank you for you lovely words & magical blog :)))

  • Reply
    Bella
    October 9, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Kim, damn you for making me cry with this heart wrenching, beautifully worded post! If one ever doubted the bond of sisterly love, they have but to look at your amazing relationship with Kay. I am forever awestruck at the raw emotion in your posts of her; emotion that makes your pain tangible. How I wish you would’ve spent this birthday with your lovely sister! I’m sure that no matter what, she watches over you and cradles you in her embrace. Believe that. And while your pain will never end, you might feel a bit of comfort in knowing your sister knows your love for her. Because Kim, I believe sisterly love is able to transcend the infinite and beyond. You’re in my prayers, lovely lady. Hugs to you!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      October 9, 2011 at 6:40 pm

      —Bella,
      Your words fill my soul. Thank you, dear. Xx

  • Reply
    Helene
    October 11, 2011 at 10:26 am

    This post left me breathless, speechless…I can just feel your pain with every word you wrote. Your sister obviously lives on through you and your words.

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    October 12, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Kim –

    Kay IS with you. She is right there in your heart. She is in the cool autumn breeze. She is in the full moon and in the beautiful sunshine that warms your skin. You are keeping her spirit alive and for that she is grateful. Hugs to you my friend.
    Sandy Webb recently posted..Stop And Smell The RosesMy Profile

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