In Memory of Kay

Always Missing You


 {Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.}  ~Lamartine

—I awoke missing you.

You are the first thing I think of when I open my eyes.

Oh, my sister, my sister, my dear sister.

I speak those words over and over like a secret chant.

I feel your warm cheek against my cheek.  I hear you breathing.  I smell your breath like wild flowers filling the air.

I try  not to cry at work, but the longing, the throbbing, the yearning inside the pit of my stomach is like something black needing to escape.

Do you have any idea how lonely I am without you? 

I  still taste the salt from a year ago.

I still see your face stained with blood.

I still yearn for you to walk thru my front door with that enormous bag from Younkers….

Declaring , excitedly– “Look what I bought, Kim!”

And you’d show me every.  single.  item.

Shades of Clinique Lipsticks.  Flowing skirts.  Silver chain belts.  Mademoiselle perfume.

I hate it here without you.  

That’s just the truth.

I cannot hide the truth.

Your absence has caused me to be absent.

Your death has cause me to be reduced.

You always made me better.   Always.  I was always fucking better with you around.

You softened my sharp edges.

You loved.  loved.  loved…

every misfit,  every oddball, every eccentric freak.

And they all loved you back.

In fact,  they worshiped you.

Especially the one who eventually  murdered you.

My sister, Kay,  was murdered by Mike Peterson May 26, 2010.  The World Stopped. 

SILENCE KILLS.                                                                                                 —For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

                         Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

      In Memory of Kay

pink lips  


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99 Comments

  • Reply
    Ann
    September 14, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Oh, honey…I’m sorry you’re having a hard day today. It sounds like the show & tell from shopping was a grand time! Hugs to you….

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:41 am

      –Ann,
      Every day is different. The missing Never stops. xx

  • Reply
    totsymae
    September 14, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    You shall continue to endure,
    thrive and be.

    Blessings to you and your family.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:42 am

      Tots,
      beautifully said….I am just trying to “Be.” xx

  • Reply
    Katy Clark
    September 14, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    My heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine being without my sister, in this lifetime or the next. I pray you have loving arms near you, to help hold you up, and dry your tears.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:42 am

      —Katy,
      In the next life– I will see her. I look forward to this day. xxx

  • Reply
    Alina
    September 14, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    This is a great post Kim. Ain’t that the damn honest truth.

    Love You

  • Reply
    Hot Coco
    September 14, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Deepest blessings to you.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:43 am

      –Hot Coco,
      thank you. I will grasp the blessings…xx

  • Reply
    Irene
    September 14, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    You have your good days and your bad. I’m thinking this might be one of your bad ones. Go make some sexy crepes.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:44 am

      –Irene,
      that is an excellent IDEA :))) xx

  • Reply
    Kristen
    September 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    The post. I will pray that your heart can mend… piece by piece. Have you read the book Heaven is for Real?

    I say that – because… well, shit. it is supposed to make people feel better. Tonight – I’m pulling an all nighter … because Alexander just had a 5 hour seizure last night and we “aren’t really sure what is going on now, but we are sending you home because we need the bed.”

    Sigh. I’m petrified to fall asleep.

    Truth…. I’m petrified that I will write your post next.

    There… I said it out loud. My heart is with your heart.

    Kristen @ http://www.alittlesomethingforme.com

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 6:06 am

      —Kristen.
      My heart will never mead complety. I know this.
      —Thinking about you today, too. Life is so very HARD. In fact, many days it SUCKS.
      xxx

  • Reply
    Jessica
    September 14, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    I hope you can help many people with your words. Your loss is great and I hope no one ever has to go through this again. Hugs.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:45 am

      —Jessica,
      Yes. I must have been left behind for a reason….xx Hugs back

  • Reply
    The Bipolar Diva
    September 14, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Kim, I’m so sorry. I just don’t know what to say. I know mere words can’t make it better, but maybe knowing so many people are thinking of you can just a little.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:46 am

      –Dear, Diva,
      One needs to go forward. That sucks.
      I have a feeling you may understand… xxx

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    September 14, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Just this: love and light to you, Kim. xo

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:48 am

      —Mama, Alison,
      Thank you. It seems after a tragedy like this….one lives in between the dark & light. xxx
      yesterday was dark.

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury, Freelance Writer & Blogger
    September 14, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    She lives in your heart. Just focus on the good times. And cry your eyes out when you feel bad. I am sitting here with a box of tissues and ready to hug you. I know how it feels.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:49 am

      –Vidya,
      I feel you hug in you words.
      I wish life were as easy as only focusing on the good times….but
      I am trying. xxxxx you are a sweetheart.

  • Reply
    nan @ LBDDiaries
    September 14, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    Live your life OUT LOUD, to the fullest, for you and for her whose life was cut off too soon and too young. LIVE screaming sometimes, sad sometimes, and sometimes, just sometimes, live happy and joyful for you. It’s okay, baby, truly, to be happy sometimes.

  • Reply
    Phil
    September 14, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    Kim, I’m sorry to hear you are having a difficult day. I am struck by your deep bond

    • Reply
      Phil
      September 14, 2011 at 9:32 pm

      (above reply incomplete – hit the submit button by accident)

      Kim, I’m sorry to hear you are having a difficult day. I am struck by the depth of your bond and love for your sister. You two really had something special. I’m reminded of a few lines from a George Santayana verse that goes something like this:

      And I scarce know which part may greater be,
      What I keep of you, or what you rob from me.

      Hugs. Light and love to you.

      • Reply
        My Inner Chick
        September 15, 2011 at 5:51 am

        —Lovely,Phil,
        Together…We were ‘One.’
        ….From the same womb, blood, viens, roots.
        I will never let go of that part of me. …. xxxxx

  • Reply
    Pure Complex
    September 14, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    She will never be forgotten. Memories are pwerful

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:52 am

      –Dear Pure,
      Never…as long as breath is inside my body… xx

  • Reply
    Kiddothings
    September 14, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    I know there’s nothing in the world that can make the pain go away. Keep on spreading the word about domestic violence. *Hugs* to you Kim.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:53 am

      –Kiddothings..
      “Keep spreading the word about domestic violence”…Yes. I shall…. xxx

  • Reply
    Monica
    September 15, 2011 at 12:03 am

    I hope that by writing about your sister and your emotions, it will help you through the healing process. I cannot imagine such a loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:55 am

      —Monica,
      Writing is medicine. It has been my Prozac my whole life. And I need it more than ever now…Thank you for you kindnes…Xx

  • Reply
    Bridget
    September 15, 2011 at 12:12 am

    Oh friend, I love you. I wish I could ease your pain. Please know that we love and need you here.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:55 am

      —Dear, B,
      Thank you so much for you lovely words 🙂 xxxx

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    September 15, 2011 at 3:09 am

    Kim you are a heroine and you help the cause with every word that you so eloquently write to us. Silence kills and no one should ever have to live in the shadow of domestic violence. xxx

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:56 am

      —Dear, L.
      — only if I knew then what I know now. xxx

  • Reply
    Marie
    September 15, 2011 at 4:39 am

    I know you are sad and the pain of not having Kay by your side is killing every part of you every day, but when I read you Kim, I feel so much love for your sister in your heart – Your voice echoes her battle and the battle of many women.
    I can only imagine how hard it is to wake up every day knowing you won’t see Kay running to you with her shopping bags but she will always be in your memory and heart. She will always live through your lines.
    Take care Kim.

  • Reply
    Marie
    September 15, 2011 at 4:46 am

    I know today is another hard day for you Kim, a day that hurts and bring back the pain of Kay’s loss. What I can feel is the love you have for Kay, a love that will never fade away, a love that goes beyond death.

    I can only imagine what it is to wake up knowing you won’t see Kay running out to you with her shopping bags full – But your words echoes Kay’s battle and the battle of so many women.
    Your voice makes Kay alive – It will maybe never be enough but it’s the best think you can ever do.

    Take care.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:57 am

      Marie,
      —- beauifully said. I am now Kay’s Voice. xx

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    September 15, 2011 at 4:52 am

    A very moving piece of writing.

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:58 am

      —Lady, Fi,
      Do you see why your photos are such a wonderful distraction for me. My little morning prayers. xx

  • Reply
    Goodness and Grit
    September 15, 2011 at 5:03 am

    Some days SUCK! Pass the beer nuts.
    Hugs,
    Kimberly

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 5:59 am

      –Kimberly,
      I couldn’t have said it better…xx PS. Pass the WINE!

  • Reply
    Ginger
    September 15, 2011 at 5:31 am

    I’m filled with your pain when I read this … if only feeling a speck of it … if only that would lessen your pain. But I have a sister, so I know it won’t. I listened to NPR yesterday as they interviewed the sister of Susan Komen. Her death came too early, says the sister of the infamous breast cancer victim. And in its own way, I’m sure it was violent. The sister (sorry, can’t think of her name) still carries sorrow and pain all these years later, all the good of the years later …her passion to help women with breast cancer have more options, more graceful solutions. And not that these things have ratings or grades or competitions, but I could not help but think of another sister — you — and how you feel at your sister’s unspeakable death. And I know that what you write, what you do, the awareness and your participation, WILL. HELP. SAVE. LIVES. I pledge my support and participation in whatever you choose to do in that path, or any path you choose for that matter, Kim. My compassion for you is completely endless.

    love,
    gin

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      September 15, 2011 at 6:02 am

      —Ginger,

      You are Beautiful & I feel your passion thru this computer.

      I was left here without Kay for a reason. I know this.

      I am her voice. The one she Never had in the past. Oh, my sweet sister.

      I wish she would have had a voice. I wish I could have helped her.

      Love you, Gin.

  • Reply
    she writes
    September 15, 2011 at 7:33 am

    I miss my mother like this. Only my mother took her own life. I know the ache of this missing all too well.
    xxamy

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:15 pm

      –Dear, She Writes,
      I don’t think the mourning ever ends, does it?
      It hurts. It hurts so damn bad.
      —So sorry to hear about your mother. xx

  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    September 15, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Kim, your words dig into the core of my soul. Thank you, thank you for your honesty and courage. Sending you love.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:15 pm

      –Wild Mama,
      I feel your love. xx

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    September 15, 2011 at 8:28 am

    sending you all my love.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:16 pm

      –A. Thank you, dear. xx

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    September 15, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Kim – It made me cry to read your words. Your love for Kay shines in every word you write. “We” have to live our lives for those who are no longer here with us. Through our grief we must tell the story of their lives, what wonderful people they were, how much they meant to us and others, how senseless their deaths were. All the while we MUST take care of ourselves and do what is right for us, for if we don’t take care of ourselves we are letting them down….we must not do that!

    Always here for you ~ Sandy

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:30 pm

      —Sandy,
      It has taken a year, but I’m finally taking showers & washing my hair. Seriously.
      xx

      Here for you, too. :))

  • Reply
    Kelley
    September 15, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    My heart aches for you over & over! This was so touching and moving…and sad. I hope you don’t mind, but I linked to your site on mine today. Please let me know if you have a problem with it and I will remove it. Thank you!

    http://www.kelleysbreakroom.com/2011/09/dr-brown-dr-brown-what-do-you-see-not.html

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:31 pm

      —Kelley,
      Thank you for doing that. It is appreciated.
      Love,
      K.xxx

  • Reply
    Kelley
    September 15, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    My heart aches for you over & over! This was so touching and moving…and sad. I hope you don’t mind, but I linked to your site on mine today. Please let me know if you have a problem with it and I will remove it. Thank you!

    http://www.kelleysbreakroom.com/2011/09/dr-brown-dr-brown-what-do-you-see-not.html

  • Reply
    Thomas
    September 15, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    just think of it in a different term… she’s not handing you a glass of wine, but she’s right there next to you. your sister isn’t about to leave your life, she’s simply lost the ability to be seen, however she is felt, her memories keep her safe and warm inside our hearts and most of all, she’s enabled as a protector over you and your father’s life.

    You amazing woman…if i could just put you in front of me for 10 minutes, I would hug you like you’ve never felt a hug…

    I’m thinking of you and Kay at this very moment….you inspired this feeling…

    T.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:34 pm

      —Dear T.
      And I would hug you back. xx

  • Reply
    Impulsive Addict
    September 15, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Well great. First I read about a friend having to put her 15 year old dog to sleep and I sobbed like a baby and now I’m sobbing again about the heinous death of your sister.

    I
    CANT
    QUIT
    CRYING!

    And I’m on my freaking period which doesn’t help. I need chocolate. Like right now.

    Nothing I can say will make you feel better and I suck at these things. I will probably make you feel worse if I keep talking so I’m just gonna shut up now before you de-friend me and just know that I’m thinking about you and praying for your comfort.

    xoxo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:35 pm

      –Dear, Impulsive.
      Sorry to make you cry. I’ve been doing that A LOT lately. xxx

  • Reply
    Jann Huizenga
    September 15, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    A heartfelt, heart-rending post. Such a beautiful tribute.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:36 pm

      —Jann,
      Thank you for visiting. I appreciate your kind words. x

  • Reply
    Caroline
    September 15, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    I’m so, so sorry Kim. I can’t even imagine not having my two older brothers around. Thank you so much for sharing and expressing yourself, that’s half the battle. Truly inspiring. xx

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:38 pm

      —Caroline,
      not having Kay around is unbearable as you probably already know from this post. I cry A Lot. —Still trying to find my way out of the darkness… x

  • Reply
    Dad
    September 15, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Kim, I love you so much. I also feel your pain with my pain.
    Love You
    Dad

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:38 pm

      —Dad,

      I know that you understand like nobody else.

      I love you more than the entire universe. xx

  • Reply
    Kelly
    September 15, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Love the Lamartine quote. The missing never stops but the pain eventually subsides. I hope tomorrow is an easier day. Big hug xo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 3:39 pm

      —Kelly,
      Never stop MISSING…Never stop loving.
      Thank you. xx

      • Reply
        Kelly
        September 16, 2011 at 5:56 am

        I woke up thinking of you this morning and how wonderful it is that you have this beautiful venue to share your feelings – put it all out there, as it falls. I can’t think of a more healing process. Warm thoughts of you – xo.

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    September 15, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    Thinking about you, sweet lady. Sending hugs. I’m sorry you’re having any extra hard day.
    T

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 4:08 pm

      —Terri,
      Each day brings something else. Each day brings the reality that I will not see my sister again on this earth.
      —Sometimes that is just to much to take in.
      xxx

  • Reply
    Seriously Shawn
    September 15, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    I am new here, what a great day for my first visit!

    I am heartbroken for you! My sister got out in time and for that I am thankful. You are so precious for blogging about this in your time of pain, I know this will help someone! You are giving someone what they need to get out! That is something good to take from this horrible part of your life. I know your sister is so very proud that you are being her voice to so many!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 8:02 pm

      Dear, Seriously,
      I believe I am my sister’s voice. The one she never had before.
      So glad your sister got out in time….. I wish mine would have. X

  • Reply
    Grumpy Grateful Mom
    September 15, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    l loved your Younkers memory of Kay. A reminder for me to appreciate those seemingly simple, but beautiful moments. Hugs for you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 15, 2011 at 8:46 pm

      —Grumpy,
      those are the moments that I miss the most. Always. Forever. xx

  • Reply
    Cheryl`Lewis
    September 16, 2011 at 3:11 am

    My sweet Kim,

    Just damn, girl. Just damn.

    Your reunion will be glorious. But, first, you belong to a world who loves you. Fiercely.

    Wine-laden, chocolatey, heartfelt, slobbery hugs & kisses,
    Cheryl

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 16, 2011 at 5:39 am

      —Cheryl,
      all I can say is that “I LOVE YOU.” xx

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    September 16, 2011 at 5:04 am

    Sending you lots of love, my dear freind. xxx elizabeth

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 16, 2011 at 5:40 am

      —Thank you,

      Elizabeth, sending it back to you, dear friend. xxx

  • Reply
    Countingducks
    September 16, 2011 at 6:11 am

    My heart goes out to you.There is nothing I can say or do to ease the pain but your love for her is both moving and inspiring. Bless you

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 16, 2011 at 6:20 am

      —Couningducks,
      thank you for reading my mourning. x

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    September 16, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    She softened your sharp edges….beautiful.
    I wish I could lessen your pain. I truly do.
    Your sister is with you every morning you wake. I know she is.
    Xoxo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 16, 2011 at 4:13 pm

      –Kimberly,
      yes. she is. i know this.
      i just want to touch her…talk with her….love her…i don’t want to wait to
      see her in the next life…
      —– thank you for your kind words. x

  • Reply
    Bella
    September 16, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Kim, with every post you write about your beautiful sister, you continue to add to the healing process. Nothing beats the therapeutic effect of writing and not only is it beneficial to you, it pays tribute to your sister’s memory as well and helps other families that may be going through the same struggle. You do your sister and family proud, Kim! Never stop being this persevering soul who loves with all her heart and sprinkles with kindness all she meets in her wake! Big hugs for you!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 17, 2011 at 6:50 am

      —Bella,
      I love your words.
      Thank you, dearest. xxx

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    September 17, 2011 at 2:01 am

    You know what’s coming from me, the only thing I know to give you, A BIG LOVE FILLED WARM HUG!
    Have a happy day dear Kim.
    🙂 Mandy xo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 17, 2011 at 6:51 am

      —Mandy,
      And I feel your big love filled hug all the way from South Africa. xxxx Have a nice Saturday. Are you cooking today? x

      • Reply
        Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
        September 18, 2011 at 2:02 am

        Sorry for only replying now – I don’t get notifications when you respond to my comments :-(. Yesterday was spent in the kitchen cooking 2kg of pumpkin, making onion marmalade and grilling lampb chops for dinner.
        Today I have baked my banana choc chip muffins – had to replace the yoghurt with cream though – the yoghurt was off!
        Have a special day.
        🙂 Mandy xo

  • Reply
    Julie @ mamamash
    September 17, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    Hey Kim,

    I hope this Saturday sees you feeling a little better. I know that ache won’t ever truly go away, but I know you’re strong and will stay strong to continue to bring awareness to the world.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 17, 2011 at 2:22 pm

      –Julie,
      thank you. yes, this is one of my goals. xxx

  • Reply
    Vapid Vixen
    September 17, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    “Your death has cause me to be reduced.”

    This is the line that got to me. This whole post is incredibly heartbreaking and beautiful. I realize how trite this sounds but please know it’s sincere when I tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I have two sisters.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 17, 2011 at 6:04 pm

      —-Dear, Vapid V.
      I hear you
      thank you.
      I despise not having my dear sister. I hate being without her.
      Go call you two sister’s this minute x

  • Reply
    Charlene
    September 18, 2011 at 8:44 am

    “I still taste the salt from a year ago.” Oh Kim, you’ll always taste that salt. But as I know you know some days are better than others. Sounds like this was a tough one. Your words are so beautiful. Your heart is so beautiful. You always write about how everyone loved your sister. I hope you know that everyone feels the same way about you. (You are always in my heart.)

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 18, 2011 at 8:50 am

      —Charlene,
      I love love love you. x

  • Reply
    Amanda
    September 20, 2011 at 10:29 am

    I am so sorry that he so savagely ripped her from you.
    She lives on in your love.
    Hugs.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 20, 2011 at 3:30 pm

      –Amanda,
      Thank you.
      Yes. She will ALWAYS live inside me. x

  • Reply
    susan boswell
    September 20, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Oh Kim,
    Your words bring your pain alive…. there is more room out here than inside, so get it out. Keep getting it out. Your memories of Kate are so crystal clear.You paint the image of your grief with your power of words and emotions- we are there right beside you. I hope that by standing with you, all your supporters out here hope to help hold you up as you are helping the other women out there who could potentially fall to the same fate as Kaye. There is no doubt, my friend, you are making a huge difference in this world.

    Kaye may have softened you- but I am thankful you are not soft in your voice of outrage against domestic violence. I don’t know why but it seems to me you were chosen to carry this unbearable burden. But you do it, and I admire you so much. Every day you get out of bed, and no matter if you cry or struggle, you write, you scream- with each action, you win a victory against the one who took her from you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 20, 2011 at 8:17 pm

      —Dear,Susan,
      I ‘ve missed you. Your words are beautiful- as usual. xxx Kiss
      Hoping your are well and loving your new home..

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