In Memory of Kay

Drowning Inside Words


 

———{Words, words, mere words, no matter from the heart.} —Shakespeare

 

—-I am a woman of contradictions.

I say one thing, but do another.

I write funny stories, but inside I cry.

I write about joy,  but in actuality, I’ve not experienced it for 442 days.

Not since you left me.

Not since that day in Hell.    That night walking the horrible hospital halls.

I remember nothing.

I remember everything.

I drown inside words & wine.

I let the vowels wash over me like rain,  like rebirth,  like resurrection.

I am not resurrected.

I am nothing.

I am everything.

I cannot live.

I cannot die.

I see your face all day long.            All night long….

As if you are inside me.

As if we inhale and exhale in the same breath.

Your  cheek is pressed against my cheek.

Your heart is my heart.

I will never release you.

Never.

Never Never Never   fucking let you go.

In dreams;  I see your long dark hair hanging loosely over your shoulders.

I see your pink lips smiling from a distance.

I hear you calling my name.

Kim.         Kim.         Kim.

“I am coming,” I say.  

“I am coming. 

Wait for me.

I am coming.”

My Sister, Kay was murdered by Mike Peterson yesterday 442 days ago.  Blackness Fell upon the Earth.

Read More About Kay Here:   In Memory of Kay 

 ~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Click Here to Donate to ( DAIP) Domestic Abuse Intervention Prevention in Duluth: Click here to donate.

pink lips  


Subscribe To My Inner Chick

Never miss an update!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

You Might Also Like

66 Comments

  • Reply
    Totsymae
    August 12, 2011 at 8:18 am

    Beautiful portrait of Kay and your words, always so strong, anguished and
    beautifully tender. I shall count the days along with you and feel your pain.

    Warm hugs,
    Totsy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 12, 2011 at 10:16 am

      Tots,
      I love this: “I shall count the days along with you & feel your pain.”
      So lovely. Xxx

      • Reply
        Totsymae
        August 13, 2011 at 3:20 pm

        You’re a lovely person, as I’m sure Kay was and always will be for you. Realize that sharing her with us is a lesson in valuing family. At least, it is for me.

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury, Freelance Writer & Blogger
    August 12, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Gently stroking your hair, wiping your tears, holding your hand.
    Big hugs.

    Holding you.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

      —–Dear, Vidya,
      I feel the warmth of you all the way from India to America 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    August 12, 2011 at 9:19 am

    Kim,442 days. How I miss her, How we all miss her,but we will see her some day.

    Love You More Than those cookies You Brought over Yesterday
    Daddy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 12, 2011 at 10:18 am

      –Daddy,
      what would I ever do without you?
      Love you more than Milk Chocolate & Dark Chocolate combined. XXXXXXXXXX

      • Reply
        Goodness and Grit
        August 14, 2011 at 7:31 am

        Now I want to have tar coffee and cookies with you AND your dad!

        Gorgeous post Kim!!!!
        Hugs,
        Kimberly

        • Reply
          Kim Sisto-Robinson
          August 14, 2011 at 9:45 am

          –I’ll Tell him, Kimbery 🙂 xxxx

  • Reply
    Ann
    August 12, 2011 at 9:37 am

    You are in my heart….I hope – one day – that you can get past counting the days. I know it takes a long time…but happy memories will rise to the surface. Hugs to you and yours…

    Ann

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 12, 2011 at 10:19 am

      Dear, Ann,
      One Day. One day, perhaps.
      Thank you for your kind words 🙂 xx

  • Reply
    Karen
    August 12, 2011 at 9:53 am

    You sound so haunted, understandably. I know there’s no way to take away your grief. I’m just so sorry. I think there’s something more to be explored in what you’re saying about being so divided…I mean it’s obvious that you’ve got your happy, cheeky, mainstream pop culture blog posts and then this other ongoing undercurrent of pain, introspection, and sometimes philosophizing. I obviously dont know yiu really beyond these blog posts, but i know you had an element of this seriousness before given your reading loves like Sylvia Plath. How to integrate the two sides, so opposite now in the wake of tragedy? Or, now that you’re becoming aware of these two ways of seeing the world, what to do with that awareness? I have no answers and am probably not making much sense, but I’m thinking these 2 ways of writing, these 2 ways of being in the world now that your sister has been murdered are going to have to be something you explicitly grapple with/seek to understand in whatever longer book about this you end up writing. I can’t help feeling that my job as your reader is to push you towards writing a book when you feel ready…your lighter, spirited, woman’s woman side attracts or attracted readers to your blog, but now they’re here and this whole other story emerges…guess on some level you’re showing this can happen to anyone, urging women to protect and cherish and make the world safe for their sisters…enough thinking out loud. Please hang in there & keep writing! Karen

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    August 12, 2011 at 10:26 am

    ————Karen,
    Yes, I understand what you are saying here…
    Quite profound & powerful.
    I think the most difficult thing after this sort of tragedy is MERGING the two lives together
    ..Assimulating Joy & Sorrow….Pasting the Past & Present ino a whole.
    The thing is….It will never be a WHOLE….WIhout that scar of yellow tape releasing itself.
    One. Day. At. A.Time.
    Yes, I have a book of my year of heaviness. This will be my book. I know this to be true.
    I am still evolving.
    Always.
    Evolving.
    Love for your WORDS. Love for our insight. xxx K.

  • Reply
    mercy
    August 12, 2011 at 10:57 am

    love you Kim.
    Always…

  • Reply
    mom2kiddos
    August 12, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Your title says so much of what you wrote here. My thoughts are with you as you deal with the anguish that still haunts you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 12, 2011 at 6:03 pm

      ————–Mom2 kids,
      This will always haunt me.
      thanks for your words. xxx

  • Reply
    Helen
    August 12, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    I know it is said that we can not fully experience joy and happiness until we have experienced pain and sadness. That can seem so ironic when the depth of that sorrow seems to keep us, block us, from fully experiencing that joy. To realize that our irritaion with silly, giggling, shallow people is perhaps just a result of our frustration in our inablility to see the world that way anymore. I sometimes hate that feeling. Life was simpler before we were forced to develop this introspection, maturity, empathy. But to keep our minds intact, and our hearts afloat…..we display that silliness………..,or perhaps we display it so others will not see that darkness within us that persists…..protect them from it’s grip……..? All my empathy to you, my dear…….

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 12, 2011 at 6:07 pm

      ————Helen,
      You display so much truth here.
      Life was so much simpler before….So joyful before all of this HELL on earth.
      Now I am just not sure….I ‘m not sure how to LIVE.
      Your insight is profound.
      thank you.
      K. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Amanda
    August 12, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    ‘Sorry’ just seems to lose it’s meaning. But I am sorry.

    Putting an arm around you to hold you up all the way from Texas.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 12, 2011 at 6:40 pm

      –Amanda,
      I feel your arms all the way from Texas. Thank you. xxxx

  • Reply
    The Bipolar Diva
    August 12, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    I cannot even begin to imagine your pain. Thinking of you always.

    Diva

  • Reply
    lafemmeroar
    August 13, 2011 at 1:29 am

    Underneath the sweetness and light is pain. And underneath your pain is the strength that wills you to go on everyday. I’m with Totsymae. I’ll be with you counting the days reading each wonderful post you share with us

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 13, 2011 at 5:10 am

      Dear, L.
      Yes, I do think that strength may be inside there someplace….
      I feel it everytime I can get myself out of bed in the morning…
      thank you for coming over to my world for a while, Lafemmeroar.
      xxx Kiss

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    August 13, 2011 at 1:36 am

    My heart hurts for you Kim.

    Love and light your way.

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    August 13, 2011 at 2:18 am

    I cannot begin to imagine what you have to endure every single day – I sit here with tears streaming down my face in pain for you but knowing I cannot know!
    Sending you a love filled and comforting hug.
    🙂 Mandy xo

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 13, 2011 at 5:11 am

      —Mandy,
      can you believe that I feel your hug all the way from South Africa?
      xxx Kisses blown back to you.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    August 13, 2011 at 2:27 am

    We can really feel your anguish and pain dear Kim. No-one will forget Kay xxx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 13, 2011 at 5:12 am

      Lorraine,
      Never.
      I use that word A LOt now.
      Never release. Never Let go.
      Love to you, dear. xx

  • Reply
    Amanda
    August 13, 2011 at 4:37 am

    I wish I had words to translate the emotions I have from reading this post, and the post for Kay and the articles I found about the tragedy. You should not be mourning your sister, they shouldn’t be mourning their mom,
    I am so desperately sorry for the chasm created by one person’s weak choice.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 13, 2011 at 5:18 am

      Amanda,
      This man’s choice caused much pain ….including his mom and family…so many people.
      ….sooo much pain.
      I never knew that one action could cause such a reaction….that continues.
      and continues.
      I know that I will carry this burden with me forever….but kay’s story will also help others.
      Thanks for coming to see me. XX

  • Reply
    debbie
    August 13, 2011 at 5:22 am

    Yours is a blog of the truth. Your words are so raw that they just hit me right at my core. I don’t know how else to explain it. More than anything Kim, I wish you peace. I hope so much that one day you can look at your beautiful sisters pictures and not feel the awful pain you feel right now. Sending you a hug…..

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 13, 2011 at 6:07 am

      —Debbie,
      One day, perhaps.
      I just need to learn how to live again.
      I feel you hug….I am hugging you back.
      xx –K.

  • Reply
    Kelley
    August 13, 2011 at 6:53 am

    I thought I commented on this yesterday. I read it and thought about it for so long. I am so, so sorry that you lost your sister. I can only imagine the depth of that pain. I cry for you and wish I could give you a hug to make you feel even an inkling better. Why do people have to be so ugly inside? Thank you for sharing this with us. I will be praying for you. Promise!

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    August 13, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Kim – I understand. I know that deep, deep pain that washes over your entire body. I understand that some days it is all you can do to just get out of bed. I understand that even on fairly “good” days something can trigger instant grief. Just know that while everyone’s grief journey is very different, you are not alone and there people out there who “get it”. I know I can’t take your pain away, but I do wish for you moments of peace and as you travel this path may those moments of peace increase along the way. xoxo

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    August 13, 2011 at 9:09 am

    —Sandy, I know you understand so much better than most.
    There are moments….Some moments, that I let go a little, A little.
    but the longing & missing always come back.
    –Think of you often 🙂 xxxx

  • Reply
    Brenda
    August 13, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Oh, Kim.. I always feel so very helpless when you share your heart and love for Kay on these pages. I want to say… say what? Nothing I can say will erase or take away or relieve the burden your heart carries all these long days and nights. They say time heals all wounds. I’ve personally never believed this but do accept that time numbs the pain so that a person can breathe and carry on sharing their own love with the world, as you do. Do as you do, start you day with love in your heart and continue to do as you do, share your words with us, your far and away virtual friends, for we too carry Kay in our hearts.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 13, 2011 at 9:49 am

      Dear, Brenda,
      —They say time heals….No, I do not believe that.
      One learns to live with the void…One learns how to live with the pain.
      That’s it.
      That’s all.
      No rose colored glasses….No shortcuts.
      The words are my healing…The words are my screaming, my voice, my heart, my blood.
      Love to you, My great writer friend 🙂 xxxx

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    August 13, 2011 at 11:33 am

    I have no words. Only the strong hope that time will ease your pain. Hugs.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 13, 2011 at 12:13 pm

      Lady, Fi.
      Hugs back to you. 🙂 thank you for all of your lovely photos xx

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    August 13, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Yes, I believe you are a woman of contradictions. That is one of the things that makes you so very interesting! I love that you don’t want to let your sister go, ever. That’s as it should be. You are a beautiful soul, my dear.
    XOXO’s

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 13, 2011 at 1:19 pm

      …Oooooooooooh, I wonder why I love ya 🙂 xx My Sweet Terri.

  • Reply
    Bella
    August 13, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    Kim, that photos is breathtaking, as are the words in this post; always heartfelt, always full of emotion, longing, confusion, and pain. And yet in spite of it all, your courage, strength and faith shines through. So inspiring; so uplifiting. I’m in awe of your perseverance to keep your sister’s memory alive. You are indeed a beautiful soul. Big hug!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 14, 2011 at 7:47 am

      —Bella,
      As long as I’m alive … Kay will be alive.
      —then we will be united again.
      thank you for you lovely words. You are indeed a beautiful song, as well. xxx

  • Reply
    Joan
    August 13, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    I, too, am in awe of your ability to evoke such strong emotions with your wonderful words. The photo is amazing. It is so ethereal and spiritual; no words are needed for the emotions inside of the photo. ( How did you do that, by the way?) What I loved the most about one of your replies is the admission that you learn to live around the grief and through the grief. You will never stop grieving. There will always be a place in your heart that is empty. But you are a strong woman and your love for life perseveres. Thank you for writing this piece. I am an admirer of your writing and know that someday you will write a book.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 14, 2011 at 7:50 am

      —Dear Joan,
      Your words fill me up.
      Yes, around the grief….thru the grief….directy thru the grief.
      What other way is there? I’ve tried the other things…
      Thank you SO much for you encouragment & inspiration. xxx -K.

  • Reply
    Monica
    August 13, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Kim,

    Such a beautiful photograph. Your words evoke such emotion and compassion. I did not know Kay but I feel as if I did through you. When did you start blogging? I have a feeling it was because of this. In which case, in her own way, Kay gave you to all of us, your fellow bloggers who have come to know you and love you and wish oh so much, that we could take away your pain. I think it’s time for a group hug!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      August 14, 2011 at 7:51 am

      Monica,
      So sweet. I feel the group hug!
      I started this blog in memory of my dear Kay.
      She would have loved this sooooooooo much….
      as of course, she was my greatest fan. She loved me greatly!! XXx Kiss

  • Reply
    Sandra
    August 14, 2011 at 8:19 am

    There are no words…

    Kay will continue to live through your courage, your voice, and your spirit.

    I am so sorry for yours and your family’s loss…

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 14, 2011 at 8:27 am

      —Sandra,
      thank you for stopping by my crazy world.
      Xxx Kiss

  • Reply
    InsideJourneys
    August 14, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Fierce, beautiful, emotional, gutsy, personal, universal.
    The pain you still feel after 442 days is palpable. It’s raw. I want to scream for you and with you. Losing a loved one sucks. Losing one to violence just about beats all.

    (I know this is a memorial to your sister, Kay but since you mentioned his name, I hope I can add my 2 cents: I hope he gets whatever’s coming to him and more.)

    Keep on keeping her alive,
    Marcia

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 14, 2011 at 9:28 am

      —-Marcia,
      He killed himself, too.
      He was a coward his entire life. His enire damn life….
      Thanks for popping in. I’m glad you did 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    August 14, 2011 at 9:17 am

    i held my tears until i read the following comment…

    Love You More Than those cookies You Brought over Yesterday
    Daddy

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 14, 2011 at 9:26 am

      —-Adriana,
      I know, isn’t he sweet? I don’t know what i would have done or how
      I would have survived w/out my family.
      And I know you feel the same way about yours. xxxxx

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    August 15, 2011 at 4:27 am

    I write funny stories, but inside I cry. that is what us writers do. your words sadden me so much. I know Kay wants you to be happy again- not the same old happy, but a newer version. Ask her. I am sure she is sitting right next to you and waiting for you to ask. love you. xxx elizabeth

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 15, 2011 at 7:02 am

      —It is a process. I write thru the process. It is not easy. it will NEVER be easy without my best friend. NEVER.
      perhaps one day I will feel whole….but I don’t think so. Perhaps one is meant to be a little broken to help others….
      Love you More. XXX Kiss

  • Reply
    Pure Complex
    August 15, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    This was such a beautiful tribute to her life. And I’m sure she is in heaven enjoying her stay with your other family members. Memories always last forever, but you will definitely see her again.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 15, 2011 at 12:55 pm

      Ohhhh, Pure,
      I know this. We will be united again. Yes!
      Without this knowing…I think I would have perished by now. I would have died by now. inside my own tears.
      Thank you for reading, dear. xx

  • Reply
    Charlene
    August 16, 2011 at 7:35 am

    Oh sweet Kim your poignant words are so beautiful. Love that picture. Love you. Just sending you hugs and love. So much love…

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 16, 2011 at 8:22 am

      —Ohhhh, Charlene,
      I feel your love….and I send you some back.
      Thank you for your continual presence. xxxxxx

  • Reply
    Psycho
    August 24, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Your posts are always refreshing and awesome.
    I missed so much over the past few weeks, and reading previous posts backwards.
    I still can’t help but smile.
    You are a totally sweet person and I am sure you are a rockin’ friend!
    Kisses,
    Petite

  • Reply
    Marie
    August 27, 2011 at 4:16 am

    I am coming from “almost but not quite” blog – This is a beautiful tribute to your sister. I can only imagine the pain of every new day, every new day she is living in your memory and heart.
    You bring her to life for us and for all the women facing violence – You give them the strength to stand up and walk another day towards freedom.
    Marie

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 27, 2011 at 8:38 am

      –Marie,
      I appreciate you stopping over.
      I do hope that women reading this will Finally find their Voices.
      Kay was muted for so many years.
      My heart will never beat the same without my dear. xx

    Leave a Reply

    CommentLuv badge