In Memory of Kay

Always Come Back To You


In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine. –—Maya Angelou

—No matter what I do.

You are never far away from me. 

Your cheek pressed against mine;  your breath is my breath

I always come back.  Always.  Always.

Always come back to You.

Not a day passes without thoughts of your voice.  The way you’d phone and announce,  “Hey, Kimmie, I know you’re still in bed, but I wanted to say I love you!”

After a year, I’ve forgotten the sound of your voice.  That soft voice I’ve recognized and loved for so many years.

But I shant listen to the recorder or watch old movies of you.

Not Yet.  

Not yet.

The longing.  The missing.  The mourning.

Whoever said that mourning ends—-never loved like this,  never had part of her soul separated, never had her heart stop.

Your journals are scattered in my bedroom like an unfinished life.

I read some of your words, but to be honest, my dear,  I can’t read anymore.

I can’t.    I can’t.    I fucking can’t.

I’m terrified.

Terrified of what I may find.

Your loneliness.

Your heartache.

Your  sadness shatters me into a million fragments of Black.

“Help me.  Help me.  I’m so lonely.  Mike won’t leave me alone.  Why won’t he leave me alone?   I have nothing left to give him.  Nothing.  I am empty. I am alone.  He crushes my spirit.  Please make him leave. Please make him go away.    —- May 13, 2010

All of your long coats drape in my closet like flowing memories.    I’ve saved all of them.

Remember the black and white one you bought from Gap?

 I begged you for it.   I literally got on my knees.

    Pleeeeeease.  Pleeease.  I’ll give you three of my coats for that ONE coat!

   And we laughed.

Well, there it hangs lifeless without you.

Hopeless without you.

I hated getting out of bed this morning.

I despised my feet touching the wooden floor.

Knowing I had to go thru the same thing    All.  Day.  Long.   all night long 

Knowing you were never coming  back to me.

 Kay (wearing her black & white jacket)   My sister Kay was murdered by Mike Peterson  yesterday  428 days ago.  My heart broke in half  Shattered.

Read More About Kay Here:   In Memory of Kay 

 ~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Click Here to Donate to ( DAIP) Domestic Abuse Intervention Prevention in Duluth: Click here to donate.

pink lips  


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57 Comments

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    July 27, 2011 at 11:00 pm

    A warm hug. I feel. I know.

  • Reply
    Jessica
    July 28, 2011 at 12:14 am

    I’m so saddened to hear this about your sister. I’m sorry for your loss. You are doing a good thing by supporting her memory and the cause of stopping domestic violence.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 7:29 am

      —Jessica,
      yes, that is something that is constructive, meaningful, & a distraction
      from my new ugly reality.
      Thanks for stopping in. xxx

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    July 28, 2011 at 12:16 am

    Hay looks absolutely beautiful in that photo Kim. I’m thinking about you xxx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 7:31 am

      She is so beautiful. The most beautiful person I have EVER known.
      xxxx Kiss for you in Ausie Land, Lorraine.

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    July 28, 2011 at 12:43 am

    Kim, the way you write makes me feel your pain – that is how real your words are on my screen! It is almost as if you are sitting here with me telling me!
    Sending you a BIG love filled virtual hug!
    🙂 Mandy xo

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 7:33 am

      —–Mandy,
      if you were here, we’d have some (lots) of wine together.
      hugz for you in S. Africa today. xx

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    July 28, 2011 at 1:17 am

    My thoughts are with you, Kim, as always. xo

  • Reply
    Totsymae
    July 28, 2011 at 3:21 am

    Such a rich and passionate voice in your writing of Kaye. I’m missing her for you,

    One big bear hug to you,
    from Totsy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 7:37 am

      Tots,
      The missing hurts. The longing hurts.
      Not having a VERY best friend hurts.
      …But as my African Friend says: Man Must Live.
      Sometimes that SUCKS.
      xxx Kiss for you.

  • Reply
    Tia
    July 28, 2011 at 5:12 am

    I Love You!

  • Reply
    Lola
    July 28, 2011 at 5:13 am

    Speechless. And so sorry.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 7:39 am

      —Lola,
      I am so sorry, too.
      More sorry than one will ever know.
      Thanks for popping into my insanity.
      xxx

  • Reply
    mercy
    July 28, 2011 at 5:32 am

    beautiful, just as i had anticipated. So painful. I loooove you greatly…

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 7:41 am

      Dear Africa,
      you are beautiful.
      “Man must LIve?
      Why? It hurts too much.
      —- we are perfect together.
      The words. God. Writing.
      Words.
      I Luv U. xx

  • Reply
    Ann
    July 28, 2011 at 6:16 am

    I haven’t the words, but I hope one day the happy memories of your childhood together will rise to the surface…

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 7:42 am

      —–Ann,
      Someday perhaps. Someday.
      Thanks for your kind words. xxx

  • Reply
    Barbara
    July 28, 2011 at 6:30 am

    So beautifully written. Expresses so much for me. Some days I can’t read or look at things that belonged to my husband. Had to move some of his things yesterday that I’d forgotten were in a closet and talked to someone who knew him before me and didn’t know he has been gone for over three years. But then talking about him with someone who loved him back then brought back the sunshine. Your writing touches me so! The photo of Kay is beautiful. Hugs dear one.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 8:00 am

      —Barbara,
      your words help me….because I know I am not
      alone in my sorrow, in my darkness,
      in my deep mourning.. You understand.
      Days & nights flow into the next….I will never let go.
      You are beautiful. Thank you for reading. xxxxxx

  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    July 28, 2011 at 6:49 am

    Her journal entry, I wouldn’t be able to read more either. So honest and not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to pull her out and hold her. I couldn’t read it. Not all at once. But you have more strength than most I’ve seen. More balls. And you will wear that jacket someday. I hope. I hope.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 8:03 am

      —Wild Mama,
      Perhaps I will never read those jounals….but
      I cannot burn them either.
      Kay said, “Kim, if anything ever happens, the journals are yours. If
      you do not keep them, burn them.”
      I cannot. I will not.
      They sit lonley & unfinished like her.
      & about that jacket.
      Yeah, maybe I’ll wear it one day. One day. One day.
      xxx Kiss.

      • Reply
        Wild Child Mama
        July 28, 2011 at 4:30 pm

        My heart goes out to you without any warning or permission. Your truth is so powerful. Her story continues through you. You are so damn brave.

  • Reply
    Karen Sosnoski
    July 28, 2011 at 7:48 am

    For me your pain comes through in the concrete details, like the long, black and white coat that you’d begged Kay to let you wear, that you’d offered to trade three of your coats for, and which is now yours, but at a cost so impossibly high it’s worthless. I’m so sorry as always. Keep writing as always! XO

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 8:05 am

      —Dear, Karen,
      you see between the lines so beautifully, exquisitely.
      Ooooooh, I love that you saw that. I love that.
      Luv to you, my amazing friend. xxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Barbara
    July 28, 2011 at 8:08 am

    I’m so sorry to hear about this! I hope her story can help save the lives of others in her place! She was a beautiful person!! Hugs!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 8:21 am

      ———-Barbara,
      Yes, I do hope Kay’s story helps other women.
      I am sure it already has…..I know this to be true.
      Thank you for stopping over into my insanity. xx

  • Reply
    Dad
    July 28, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Kim, I feel your pain with my pain, I think that makes sense. Keep writting, it helps all of us.

    Love You
    Dad

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 9:15 am

      Daddy,
      Kay woudl have been so much stronger than me.
      I am sooooooooooooooo weak. So horribly human.
      Soooooooo Sad.
      xxxx I luv you.

  • Reply
    lafemmeroar
    July 28, 2011 at 10:01 am

    This ignites a gamut of emotions within me. I think of the people I love who are still here and those who aren’t. You remind all of us that life is precious. We tend to forget that fact when we’re in the midst of existing and not living. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 2:49 pm

      ——–Dear, Lafemmeroar,
      My Heart is an open book….I lament. I cry. I swear.
      Thank God for WORDS.
      Kiss for you.xxxx

  • Reply
    Irene
    July 28, 2011 at 10:25 am

    Love that saying! Says so much!

    (((HUGS)))

    You know, I do believe the fog is lifting some what for you. You’re posts are getting brighter! And that’s good! I think your blog therapy is helping!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 2:51 pm

      —-Blog Therapy. WORDS. They have continually been my sanity.
      Hugzzzzzzzzz back to you, Irene.
      Can’t wait until your next VLOG. 🙂

  • Reply
    Brenda
    July 28, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    A big virtual hug from this corner of the world. Keep writing and sharing and moving and breathing and moving forward. Your heart is growing stronger. Hugs, my lovely virtual friend.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 2:54 pm

      Dear, Brenda,
      One must move.
      One must breathe.
      Life goes forward….I can’t believe
      it goes forward without my sister.
      That SUCKS. That really sucks.
      ….I thank God for WORDS. They have continually been my comfort.
      xxx Kiss for you in SanFrancisco!!! xxxxx (is that spelled right?)

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    July 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    So sorry that the missing, the loving, that empty space hurts so much. Hugs.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 2:57 pm

      ——–The missing. The longing. The loving.
      Life is much more complicated than Death.
      ahhhhhhh, that’s the rub.
      Kiss, Lady Fi. xxx

  • Reply
    nina
    July 28, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. you’r sisters beautiful, I’m sure both inside and out. I’m sure she had a life well lived surrounded by people who loved her. She’s still there watching over you, she’ll want you to remain happy and stay strong for her.
    lots of love.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 3:13 pm

      —-Nina,
      Easier said than done when you lose the love of your life to murder…..
      but I’m trying…oh, God, I’m trying.
      Thanks for popping in Nina. xx

  • Reply
    The Bipolar Diva
    July 28, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    many hugs to you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 3:58 pm

      —-Thank you, Diva.
      they are Appreciated…. xx

  • Reply
    Anne@frommysweetheart
    July 28, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Kim….

    This is my first visit to your very beautiful and bittersweet blog. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. But I am glad that Kay is always present in your life, through your memories and your writing. What beautiful women you both are. I wish you peace…..

    Anne

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 28, 2011 at 5:24 pm

      ——Thank you Anne,
      I pray for peace.
      I believe with that…all things are possible.
      One. Day. At. A. Time.
      Thanks for popping over. xx

  • Reply
    Liz
    July 28, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    Love to you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 29, 2011 at 7:50 am

      –And back to you, Liz.xxx

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    July 28, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Oh Kim, your quote from her journal left a lump in my throat. The way you express your feelings….your pain…..brings me to tears. You make my heart hurt. You are an amazing lady. I’m always so moved and humbled when I visit your blog. Thank you for sharing things that can’t be easy to share. Much Much love coming from your friend in Vegas.
    XOXO’s abound!
    T

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 29, 2011 at 7:44 am

      Dear Vegas,
      How can a heart hurt & ache?
      Mine does. Always. Always.
      ….Always without my dear sister.
      But people like you make a difference to me.
      You, especially. xxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    July 29, 2011 at 4:33 am

    Your love for her astounds me. It’s heartbreaking.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 29, 2011 at 7:46 am

      So–utterly Heartbreaking, Duck,

      One lives with that. ALways.
      ….because as Frost says….Life Goes On…
      xxx kiss

  • Reply
    Kelly
    July 29, 2011 at 6:42 am

    My sweet sweet Amazing Kim,

    I heard this song and all I could see was your Beautiful face next to your Beautiful Kay. I looked up the meaning and someone said Dave Mathews said at one of his concerts he was talking about both of his sisters Jane and Anne but he thought he was specifically talking about Anne who was murdered in Africa by her husband who then killed himself.

    My favorite line in the song is Sister, “When you cry I feel your tears running down my face.”

    (I don’t know if I can post a link to your Blog but I am going to try if it doesn’t work (or if it isn’t allowed) just let me know. http://youtu.be/111-D99br0I )

    Multiply It By Infinity, Take It Too The Depths of Forever. We’ll Still Only Have a Glimpse of How Much Love You and Kay have for each other…

    LOVE LOVE LOVE

    Kelly

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 29, 2011 at 7:48 am

      —-Love Love Love.
      I shall listen now and get back to you, Gorgeous, Kelly…xxx

  • Reply
    Charlene
    July 29, 2011 at 7:34 am

    Heartbreaking. But beautiful. Your words about Kay… about everything. Always so beautiful.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 29, 2011 at 7:48 am

      Charlene,
      the words she never said…..the voice she never had.
      I shall speak for her. ALWAYS.
      Luv U. xxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Pamela
    August 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    I am really, really sorry. I have two sisters, and they are my heart. It is unimaginable what you are going through. I think it is brave and important that you are speaking out about such an important issue that touches the lives of too many women. Take care; my heart goes out to you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 11, 2011 at 5:23 pm

      —-Pamela,
      the missing and longing will last a lifetime…
      until we unite once again.
      Thanks for stopping by:)

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